Humor Times, March 2014

“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.” – John F. Kennedy, 1961 Issue #267

March, 2014

The News … in Cartoon Form!

Formerly the the Comic Comic Press Press News News Formerly

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

Next Month: It’s Our 23rd Anniversary Issue!

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2014

Editor’s Letter

Whitewater Rafting Season Begins!

There are so many advances being made in alternative power these days, it’s very inspiring. Such as André Broessel’s latest invention, which looks like something out of a superhero movie (see pic). Called the “Rawlemon Solar Device,” the spherical solar concentrating system produces efficient solar energy anywhere. According to a recent report in “Fast Company,” the German architect touts his orb-like system as being 35 percent more efficient than a standard panel, doing even better when combined with a tool for tracking the sun.

Another new innovation is the “Zero-Blade Technology” wind power device, largely inspired from the sailboat. It is likely to double the efficiency of current wind power conversion devices. The blades are replaced by a sail-shaped body, while both hub and gearbox are removed. (More info: The Rawlemon Solar Device. treehugger.com/wind-technology/new-bladeless-wind-turbine-claimed-be-twice-efficient-conventional-designs.html.)

Just think how much faster the progress would be, both in innovation and actual working installations, if alternative power got the subsidies that are now going to the fossil fuel industry!

In this day and age, it’s a real shame that the hugely profitable oil companies are getting any subsidies at all. Why do companies that make record sums of money year after year need any government help at all? Answer: they don’t. Then why do they get it? Answer: they’ve got the so-called “people’s representatives” in their pockets. Time to vote ’em out!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor P.S. Look for our 23rd Anniversary Issue, next month! It’s a great issue to advertise in, call soon to reserve space!

P.P.S. We here at the Humor Times also do website work on the side. We’re always looking for more projects, so if you have a website that needs improvements, or need to create one from scratch, or know someone who does, please contact us. Go to our page at facebook.com/WebsiteCreationMaintenence (the business is called Website Creation & Maintenance, or WCM) to see some examples of our work. All our websites are "responsive," that is, they look good and work well on all devices: Desktop computers, laptops, tablets and smart phones. You can trust the folks at your friendly political humor publication to do the job to your satisfaction! We can work with you anywhere you live.

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 267, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Olympics, Russian Style Russia was excited to welcome the world...

but there were some concerns.

The host country struck gold early on...

and put their special stamp on the proceedings.

They had to be very strict with security...

and everyone had to stay vigilant...

at all times.

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Meanwhile, Putin’s anti-gay stance was evident.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2014

Them That Has, and Them That Don’t Income inequality is getting more lopsided...

and something must be done.

The state of the union is shabby...

and it’s hard to put a positive spin on it.

Wall Street continues to play fast and loose...

Meanwhile, debt ceiling freezers felt the squeeze...

March, 2014

because they are just too big to fail.

but there’s always enough to grant relief to those in need.

HUMOR TIMES

5

The Future is Green Green Rush Munchies It’s easy to imagine an arena full of Phish fans raising and waving their lighters to honor US Attorney General Eric Holder for suggesting the feds might help states that legalize pot by allowing dispensaries to utilize banking services. Way to go, Super AG. That’s so incredibly righteous of you.

These days, everyone dealing with marijuana distribution is forced to use cash in financial dealings. To buy inventory, pay employees, stock up on munchies, tip the pizza dude, everything.

Even cover their taxes. Problem is, those amounts of dead presidents tend to attract the sort of unsavory company you normally associate with orange jumpsuit-wearing, ankle-shackle sporting, border-tunnel digging, Vin Diesel movie-watchers.

19 states have already approved medical marijuana and in 2014, the citizens of Oregon, Alaska, California, Arizona and DC will vote to legalize it for recreational use, joining Washington and Colorado in the Pot Club. The smoke, it is a wafting. Banks can smell the money and are itching for a taste of the action. Lawmakers themselves are jonesing for additional revenue. You’ve heard of squeezing blood out of a turnip? Think of this as scraping green off the green. A phenomenon that pot journalist, Jack Rikess, calls “Grassnost.”

Grass. Tea. Weed. Reefer. Mary Jane. Wacky tobaccy. Herb.

Hemp. Happy leaf. Hippie lettuce. Parsley. Oregano. Cabbage.

Chronic. Ganja. Da kine. Doobie. Dope. Blunt. Bone. Bud. Smoke. Spliff. Stank. Schwag. Shanizzle. Sticky icky. Indica.

Tetrahydrocannabinol. The assassin of youth. Hairy purple skunk balls. Whatever brand name you prefer, lines are forming at the trampoline for corporate America to jump on The Green Rush Bandwagon.

Even President Obama admitted marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol and he should know. As opposed to Bill Clinton, who never inhaled, some skeptics doubt the 44th POTUS ever exhaled. In high school, as a member of the Choom Gang, he was noted for cutting off passing joints, intercepting extra hits. Seems to have lost some initiative in the days since. Typical.

But brah’s right. Consider how many steps it takes to produce a bottle of whiskey. Not like you can walk into the backyard and pick a Daiquiri off the Cocktail Tree. Pot, however, grows right out of the ground. They don’t call it “weed” for nothing. You saying God made a mistake?

Convincing politicians to stop lumping all drugs together would be a major victory. In their condemning zeal, they admit to no gradations. But even a fifth grader can tell you that heroin is to

WILL DURST

pot like an Uzi is to a banana. Heroin kills. Pot giggles.

What’s the worst thing going to happen if you do run into a crazed pothead? You might get fleas. That’s about it. Okay, There’s Twinkie cream on your shirt, wipe it off. Can’t get the song “Stairway to Heaven” out of your head- deal with it.

All that said, legalizing the stuff on a federal basis is going to be trickier than rolling three joints while swinging by your knees on a trapeze in a high breeze. Plan for heavy pushback from a variety of vested interests: the cotton and oil industries. Big Pharma.

Prison guard unions. Mexican drug cartels. Mexican politicians.

Taco Bell. Bail Bondsmen. The Catholic Church. Zig Zag Papers.

Liquor distributors. Law enforcement agencies. ATM manufacturers. ATV manufacturers. Phish.

Subway: Eat Fresh Plastic No matter who you are or where you live or what you drive or whether you thought “The English Patient” or “Anchorman 2? the funnier movie, it is time to take a stand on plastic bread. Here’s a hint: most of us are against it. Formaldehyde rinsed coffee beans? Not big fans. Flame retardants in our cupcakes? That’s a big old negativo, Breaker One. And pink slime should be featured in horror films, not meat.

These heartfelt proclamations result from the wake of recent revelations that the Subway sandwich chain uses the c h e m i c a l, azodi ca r bonam i de , i n i t s b r e a d .

Azodicarbonamide is an additive whose principle use lies in the production of plastic foam products like yoga mats and sneaker soles. Not quite what you’d expect from the company that grew to 41,000 stores by being the healthy alternative. Hey Jared, when did you guys change the motto to “Eat Fresh Plastic?”

This culinary confession has prompted reactions just a wee tad less hysterical than a carload of pre-school Catholic girls flying off a roller coaster into the pigpens of the Nevada State Fair. “SUBWAY BREAD IS SNEAKERS, PEOPLE! YOU’RE EATING SNEAKERS!” Settle down folks. You can find all sorts of stuff in our food. Cellulose, which is wood fiber. Hormones. Rodent hairs. Metal shavings. Dwarf goat beard trimmings. What part of the chicken you think the McNugget comes from?

And don’t forget that most omnipresent chemical of them all: the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide, often nicknamed…

H2O. There’s a chemical known as castoreum that is used in raspberry and vanilla flavorings. The way castoreum is harvested is by extracting the juice from the anal glands of beavers. Nope. Not kidding. And you think your job sucks.

Now, who first discovered that the juice of the anal glands of beavers tastes like raspberries has been lost in the sands of time – probably a good thing. But it does lead one to suspect the trappers of yesteryear were a whole lot braver and infinitely more curious than first imagined, and apparently had a huge amount of time on their hands. Not to mention a thin patina of something vaguely vanilla-ish.

Thing is, you take all the chemicals out of food, they’d be the wrong color, rot in 6 hours and that quarter pounder would have to be marketed as a 2.5 ouncer. There’s only two ways to ensure your digestive tract is unsullied by tainted food. Grow your own or stop eating. The beauty of the latter is being able to fit into fashionably thin clothes.

During that brief pre-dead period.

Both castoreum and azodicarbonamide are classified by the FDA as GRAS. Generally Recognized as Safe. Which seems a rather unexacting measurement where our children’s food is concerned. For years Rock Hudson was GR as straight. Pluto – GR as being a planet. Trickle down economics- GRABS. This public relations nightmare couldn’t come at a worse time for Subway, whose foot long sandwiches were recently measured at 11 inches. Absent one angry inch. Or maybe the foot they’re referring to relates to the sneaker soles.

Rather than running away from the controversy, the sandwich maker needs to double down, by selling the American public (because they can’t use it in the bread of for eign coun tries) azodicarbonamide as a low-fat, self-cleansing miracle additive. “Subway: Home of the Shiny Clean Colon.”

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March, 2014

Freezeout

Macho Sport

It got very cold this winter...

Macho NFL players are concerned...

and some people had a harder time than others.

that their locker room culture is changing.

They handled it as best they could...

The comfort level is decreasing, they said...

but they’ll have to find ways to deal. and yearned for warmer weather.

March, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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The Hightower Lowdown The Mobsters of Wall Street Assume that you ran a business that was found guilty of bribery, forgery, perjury, defrauding homeowners, fleecing investors, swindling consumers, cheating credit card holders, violating U.S. trade laws and bilking American soldiers. Can you even imagine the kind of punishment you’d get?

How about zero? Nada. Nothing. Zilch. No jail time. Not even a fine. Plus, you still get to stay on as boss, you get to keep all the loot you gained from the crime spree, and you even get an $8.5 million pay raise!

Of course, you and I would never get such outrageous, absurd, kid-glove pampering by legal authorities. But, then, we’re not the capo of JPMorgan Chase, America’s biggest bank and a crime syndicate that apparently is too big to jail.

Jamie Dimon is the slick, vainglorious, silver-haired boss of the JPMorgan house of banksters. This CEO has fostered a culture of thievery during his years as a top executive at JPMorgan, lead ing to a shameful litany of crime. Yet, federal prosecutors have bowed to the politically connected Wall Streeter, refusing to ruffle his feathers with even a single criminal charge.

Meanwhile, one of the scams that Dimon directly supervised produced a $6 billion loss for shareholders in 2012. And his reign of mismanagement and illegalities cost the bank’s shareholders another $20 billion in federal fines last year, resulting in a 16 percent drop in profits.

You might think the bank’s board of directors would at least slap Jamie’s wrist for the loss of those billions of dollars, but no — in January, they rewarded him, raising his pay by some 70 percent to a sweet $20 million!

The New York Times noted that, “To ordinary Americans,” such a reward for poor performance “may seem curious.” Curious? Uh-uh.

Try incomprehensible, insane and immoral.

Wall Street’s haughty elites continue to demonstrate that they’re common mobsters — only not so ethical.

That’s the funny thing about Wall Street mobsters (or as I like to call them: Banksters) is that they make a killing by defrauding millions of homeowners, customers, investors and taxpayers — then, when caught, they wonder why we don’t love them.

That’s “funny” as in “bizarre,” not as in “ha-ha.”

You would think that after racking up a re-

cord level of regulatory fines for the recidivist criminal operation overseen by the boss, a little self-reproachment might have done Dimon some good. But he chose a funny way (again meaning bizarre) to express remorse: He’s been running a feel-sorry-for-me campaign, claiming that he’s the victim of this sordid story!

Never mind his long rap sheet of malfeasance and incompetence, which cost so many so much, Jamie wails that everything from Wall Street’s bailout to the pay of top bank executives have made people envious of bankers’ success.

Thus, he moans, an anti-Wall Street sentiment has spread through the public, prompting politicians and regulators to pander to this populist anger by persecuting enterprising bankers like him. He called the whole thing “unfair.”

Good grief. This guy builds bank profits through rip-offs, piles billions of dollars in fines on the backs of shareholders, pockets $20 million in personal pay for one year’s work — and he wants us to weep for him? Being a Wall Street boss, you see, means never having to say you’re sorry, for it’s always someone else’s fault.

Only 25 years ago, more than a thousand bankers were prosecuted for this sort of malfeasance during the savings & loan scandal. Let’s return to the ethical accountability of those days. Or maybe We the People should send our own message to today’s banksters by rolling a

JIM HIGHTOWER guillotine down the center of Wall Street.

“By consolidating assets into their own state-owned banks, state and local governments can leverage their own funds to finance their own debts, and they can do this essentially interest-free, since they will own the bank and will get the interest back. The Bank of North Dakota contributed over $300 million to state coffers in the past decade, a notable achievement for a state with a population that is less than one-tenth the size of Los Angeles County.

“The growing movement to establish local economic sovereignty through state-owned banks is a grassroots effort that has grown spontaneously in response to unmet needs for local credit.”

— Ellen Brown, truthout.org, 16 February 2011

The Greening of America It was a match up of legal pot states...

and many enjoyed their own kind of “super bowls.”

The issue is heating up nationally...

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putting conservative politicians in a bind.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2014

News of the Warm

Health Snare There’s been a lot of misinformation going around...

It’s looking like the XL pipeline will be approved...

because, why worry?

and some real lack of information...

After all, it’s been cold lately...

and time heals all wounds. Right?

March, 2014

causing paranoia to strike deep.

Meanwhile, Americans need all the health care they can get.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Angry Broncos Fan Creates Newer, Better Peyton Manning on Madden 25 New, improved Peyton Manning “can beat Seahawks any time”

Following the Denver Bronco’s blowout loss to the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl, 34-year-old Bronco fan Chad Hall im me di ately de leted Peyton Man ning from his Denver Broncos roster on Madden 25 for his Xbox and created a better version of the beleaguered 2014 NFL M V P i n t h e v i d e o g a m e ’s “ C r eate-A-Player” mode.

“This version of Peyton Manning doesn’t have the past neck surgeries or being older hold ing him back,” Hall said.

“Peyton is lucky that I didn’t pick up Tim Tebow in free agency and bench his ass!”

Hall told the Humor Times.

This writer watched Chad Hall and the newer Peyton Manning beat the Seattle Seahawks in preseason mode on “Easy level” 89-0.

However, Hall stated this is just a warm-up for tonight’s match-up after his mom gets off work. “She’s making tacos for dinner and she said I can have a few Nutter Butters for dessert. After that, it’s on like Donkey Kong, Seahawks.” Hall later told us that the newer Manning is not intimidated by Richard Sherman.

The Hall family invited this writer for dinner, however, I had other commitments. Mr. Hall later emailed me and said the Broncos with the “new” Manning defeated the Seahawks 59-6 on the Hard level in Madden 25.

By Lee Mays, Senior Frustrated NFL Fan Correspondent

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

North Korea Will Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us Flappy Bird” In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas — a country at war with it self since the early 50s — the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever- mounting nuclear program.

Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS! We’ll disarm. We’ll unify. We’ll do whatever you want! Just give us our sweet, precious, little birdie back!”

This reversal came on the heels of a decision

by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores.

It’s safe to say the reaction he got over his highly pixelated two-di men sional game was…unexpected.

Pulling in upwards of 50,000 USD a day through ads and quickly rising to the number one spot in online stores, Flappy Bird took the

virtual world by storm and, the day it was taken down, left a canyon-sized hole in the hearts of gamers all over the world.

E s p e c i a l l y, it seems, in North Korea.

A diplomatic meeting last week went from unification strategy to scoring strategy — from how to navigate the uncertain terrain of Korea’s future to navigating the impossibly difficult green tubes of Flappy Bird.

“Did you know the Supreme Commander scored a million?” asked one of the North’s proud generals. “Without even playing.”

Because of the addictive nature of the game and the secrecy surrounding its demise, some have even intimated that all of this was a CIA plot to infiltrate closed countries in ways other than what’s called the “Dennis Rodman.”

By Jeff Boldt, Senior Pixelated Game Correspondent

Beliebers on Hunger Strike Until Charges Dropped Justin Bieber fans are demanding he be released from jail and given house arrest in their homes. On January 23rd, pop star Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI, drag racing, and resisting arrest. Bieber was later released on on a $2500 bond and upon his release, fans stood outside a Miami, FL jail screaming that they “loved him.”

Justin Bieber is also under investigation for felonious vandalism, and coupled with Bieber’s arrest yesterday, millions of “Beliebers” are outraged that he is being penalized for breaking the law. Many have vowed to go on a hunger strike until he is cleared of all charges. “we luv u justin i die for u!” one fan tweeted.

Another tweeted, “didnt even take lunch money, will starve until the world seez the tru Justin!”

The Humor Times asked one parent of a Justin Bieber fan if they were worried that their child might be exhibiting dangerous behavior.

“I did the same thing when the New Kids on

Jay Leno Working on 5 Minute Set in Hopes of Getting Booked at First Comedy Open-Mic “We’ll see if Jay Leno is ready to take it to ballgame. I won’t have the Tonight Show band the next level,” says booker to look at for approval if one of my jokes fails.

Thursday, February 6 2014 was Jay Leno’s Just the stone-cold faces of the seven or eight last time hosting NBC’s “Tonight Show.” Leno people in the audience of a comedy open-mic. If choked back tears as he I make even one of them said goodbye and thanked crack a smile, then I’ll his long-time crew in know I have killed that making the Tonight Show night.” a ratings success.

Thomas Max said that Leno said that he plans comedians who perform on hitting the road and at open-mics might be regetting back into stand-up luctant to give up their comedy. However, before spots to out sider Jay he hits the comedy clubs Leno. and theaters, Jay Leno is “Most of my comics now g o in g o ve r a n d w ho pe r form a t my Jay Leno: Ready to take it to the next level? working on his five minopen-mics have been doute set and hopes to get booked on a local com- ing this for at least three months and may turn edy open mic. their noses up at Leno or shun him altogether,” “Jay is one of us now,” said Thomas Max, he said. “But that’s the nature of the beast in this booker of the Red Canary Comedy Open-Mic in business, and I hope Jay Leno is prepared for the Wayne, WV. “It doesn’t matter what he has done possible backlash.” in the past, everyone has to start at the bottom.”

However, Jay Leno said he’s confident that Max later added, “Jay is more than welcome his five minutes worth of material is up to par. to try out his stuff at our open-mic and we’ll see “It’s going to be difficult proving myself if he’s ready to take his comedy to the next against open-mic veterans who have been doing level, whether it be on the stage where some of this for months, but hopefully I can impress us do community theater or at another open mic, them enough or at least get into their clique we’ll see if he has the goods.” where they at least laugh at everything I say on The Humor Times asked Jay Leno if he’s stage.” nervous about his first 5 minute set.

B y L ee Ma ys , Se nior H u m or Tim e s Mr. Leno said, “It’s definitely a different Washed-Up Funny Guy Correspondent

NBC Study Indicates Almost Everyone Is Gay Now An annual study sponsored by NBC reveals over 90% of the US population is gay now. In an effort to mirror this societal trend, TV networks and cable companies are expected to increase the already prominent level of gay themed shows such as the popular Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Trading Spaces, Queer as Folk, Friends and American Idol. Complaints from viewers regarding the still high proportion of traditional non-gay programming have spawned at least one new cable channel, Gay Animal Planet. – Reported by DerfMagazine.com

12

Headline News Section

the Block were accused of lip-synching in the early 90s,” said a parent of a Belieber. “I missed a cou ple of days of school and was treated for de hy drat i o n . I l o s t a fe w pounds and all the boys Bieber, mugging it complimented me on Justin up for the camera again. how skinny I looked, so this might be great for my little Belieber’s self-esteem!’ the parent added.

Fast-food restaurants are ready for the potential loss of income, due to the Beliebers hunger strike. McDonald’s is offering Happy Meals half-off and Chuck-E-Cheese are offering free music CDs of their robotic house band, which features Justin Bieber’s music.

– Lee Mays, Senior Belieber Correspondent

Millions of Americans Become ‘Nader-Haters’ Because it’s Fun to Say Trend going viral with bored internet trolls Millions of Americans across the contiguous United States have recently jumped on the latest virtual bandwagon — hating presidential candidate Ralph Nader, simply be cause “hater” rhymes with “Nader.”

O u r n e w s c o r r espondent talked with rand o m people from different Ralph Nader: Guy people love to hate. states and we were amazed at some of the responses.

Bonnie-Luke from Washington said that she had never even heard of Ralph Nader and, beyond that, never dreamed of calling herself a political person, but when she came across the phrase “Nader-Hater” on the world wide interwebs, she knew she had to align herself with that.

Terry from California said she was ALOL (almost laughing out loud) when she saw the phrase, and since she hated all politicians anyway, she said it just felt right to hate Nader too.

Paul from North Carolina said that he and all his friends made a pact to become more active in the up com ing elec tions, so they made “Nader-Hater” t-shirts for their entire community. He was shocked at how quickly they caught on and is now very proud to be a part of something he’s heard referred to as “grassroots.”

It seems that this latest political craze has had the two-fold effect of helping dispel the idea that most Americans today are politically ambivalent, and more importantly, given them something else to do online.

By Jeff Boldt, Senior Former Presidential Candidates People Love to Trash on the Internet Correspondent

Google CEO Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message into Search Engine MOUNTAINVIEW, CA — Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for placing an inappropriate subliminal message into the name of his informational superhighway.

Google LogoThough everyone may be familiar with Google and what it does, not everyone is aware of its shady nomenclature.

It appears that the name “Google” was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle.” And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety.

“I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.”

Not surprisingly, surveys and police reports

across the country have showed a steady increase in all kinds of ogling since the late nineties: random acts of ogling, drive-by ogling, ogling reality TV shows, etc.

An ogling support group praised Google’s actions but at the same time confirmed that ogling numbers have been steadily increasing over the past couple decades. They were hopeful that through this confession some of the random and creepy staring would go away.

After the official statement, Mr. Page told us privately that everyone could expect a name change in the immediate future.

By Jeff Boldt, Senior Humor Times Creepy Ogling Correspondent

Bill Nye Agrees God Created Beer Festivals PETERSBURG, KY – Popular science educator and TV personality Bill Nye debated the topic of creationism recently with Ken Ham, founder of the Creation Museum. Nye argued effectively throughout the debate using scientific data but conceded to Ham on the topic of beer festivals.

Nye agreed that radioisotopic and ice core data indicates God indeed created beer festivals and possibly beer in general.

He commented, “This is a no-brainer. beer festivals are heavenly and beer is too perfect to be explained by evolution.”

Nye explained he is especially impressed by some of the craft beers we have today. “All I had to do to convince myself of God’s involvement

HUMOR TIMES

i s t a s t e so m e o f these new sessionable full-bodied beers. I had a lovely full character brew last night called Dog Fish Steam Head Sierra Shandy IPA. I a m c e r t a i n G od home-brewed this beer and speaks to me through the blessed bartender who recommended it.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

March, 2014

Simple Math

Self-Monitoring People are wary of the government...

Children are precious...

and they grow up so fast.

but they love their smart technology.

We need to give them a chance...

We’ve been assured it’s under control...

because, after all, it’s the land of the free. to not be just another victim.

March, 2014

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13

Washed Up Gov. Christie is all washed up...

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March, 2014

Bipartisan Stalemate It can be hard to hear one another...

Argus Sez Valentine’s Day arrived with Americans getting married later in life and with the divorce rates going through the roof again. Marriage counselors agree. Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to find out who they really are.

The Weather Channel reported that another snowfall paralyzed Georgia. Schools and airports shut down before it even arrived. It’s becoming apparent that the only reason the North won the Civil War was that the South got a half-inch of snow and lost their minds.

Steven Spielberg’s film “Lincoln” made its TV de but on Abe Lin coln’s birth day on Showtime. At the Academy Awards show last year, it lost for Best Script, it lost for Best Director and it lost for Best Picture. All in all, it was Lincoln’s second-worst night in the theater.

or get much done...

The Winter Olympic Games in Sochi drew huge TV ratings for NBC. Viewers were riveted by the biathlon, where white guys ski down a hill, stop a few times and fire a rifle at a target.

The biathlon looks like what you’d have if the Tea Party got to design an Olympic sport.

NBC’s Olym pics an chor Bob Costas sidelined himself with pinkeye when his other eye became pink. It’s dangerous. Vladimir Putin accused both of Bob Costas’s eyes of being gay and he chased Bob around the anchor desk with a spoon trying to remove them from Russia.

Bill Clinton was awarded Redbook magazine’s Red Dress Award in honor of his efforts to combat obesity at his foundation. He’s a great believer in personal fitness in the workplace.

Every intern who wants to work for Bill Clinton must have passed two courses in glass blowing.

The Corvette Museum showroom in Kentucky got hit by a huge sinkhole that plunged six vintage Corvettes into a forty-foot hole. It was awesome. Every now and then, God likes to remind Justin Bieber in language he’ll understand

ARGUS HAMILTON just who’s the baddest dude on the continent.

KTLA movie reporter Sam Rubin mixed up Samuel L. Jackson and Laurence Fishburne in a live TV interview with Jackson. It’s not new.

Rubin was a political reporter till he covered a Democratic fundraiser last year and addressed Denzel Washington as Mr. President.

French President Francois Hollande toasted Franco-American amity at his White House dinner recently. Our two cultures are very different.

When French secret service agents hire hookers, it’s not considered a scandal, it’s considered test-driving mistresses for your boss.

President Obama announced he’ll visit Normandy in June on the seventieth anniversary of D-Day as he praised the U.S.-French alliance.

There is no France without it. It took the German Army three days to overrun France in World War II, and that’s because it was raining.

TV comedy pioneer and Your Show of Shows host Sid Caesar died at the age of ninety-one. He spent the last forty years crusading for healthy lifestyles. Dean Martin once read Sid’s book on how to quit drinking, and he was able to give up reading for three years.

Shirley Temple, the greatest child star in history, died on Monday. You had to be talented to be a star before there were four hundred cable TV channels. Shirley Temple’s singing and dancing made a nation forget about a depression, while Miley Cyrus’s only reminds us of it.

Shirley Temple, after her movie career, was named an U.N. envoy by President Nixon in the Seventies. She might not be the only child star to become successful in conservative politics.

It’s no stretch to see that Justin Bieber could grow up someday to become the Mayor of Toronto.

“There are 310 million Americans who, so far, are acting like they are outnumbered by a few thousand wall streeters, media moguls, insurance company and weapons manufacturer execs and other assorted ‘plutocrats’, 100 senators, 435 congresspeople, and maybe a couple of hundred in the US Administration.” ~ Vern Radul

when people don’t work as one.

In fact, it can be downright depressing.

March, 2014

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15

State of Our DisUnion The president gave an important speech...

to a chilly reception.

He said we need to deal with inequality...

but not much is expected to change.

He insisted he’ll have to do what he can...

without expecting much help...

and that left Republicans in a twist...

16

but they had their say, and many ways to say it.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2014

Party of Big Ideas Republicans are rethinking their strategy...

and want to be more inclusive.

They know they have to move on immigration...

at some point.

At least they’ve got the Tea Party...

who they can depend on...

and they’ve got a way with women.

March, 2014

So, victory is assured.

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17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

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March, 2014

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