“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.” – Mark Twain Issue #268
April, 2014
23rd Anniversary Issue! Formerly the Comic Press News
(About half a subscripthat with tion!)
®
23 Years of the Very Best in Political Satire, from the finest cartoonists and writers!
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2014
Editor’s Letter Here we are, another year older, and hopefully a tiny bit wiser. Welcome to the 23rd Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times! Thanks to all of you subscribers who keep us going. We truly could not do it without you. Neither could we do it without our business supporters, whose advertising pays for about half our expenses. Please patronize them when you can. One of our longest-tenured advertisers is W.E.T. River Trips, seen just to the right of this letter, a spot they’ve held for most of our 23 years. They have generously donated a rafting trip to help us celebrate the anniversary, as you can see in the ad. Please see the post on our website at www.humortimes.com for more information, and to enter to win! As the old saying goes, the more things change, the more they remain the same. Looking through the back issues of the Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News), you can really see that illustrated (and I do mean “illustrated!”). Our very first issue featured a four-page cartoon summary of the Gulf War, which George Bush the first was just winding down. Now here we are 23 years later, and we’re still trying to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan. What have we accomplished in three wars in two countries through two plus decades? What has all that money in our “defense” (read: “offense”) budget bought us? What have all those sacrificed lives and limbs accomplished? I’ll let you answer that, although I’m sure anyone’s list will be rather brief and bitter. The corporate media cheered on all of the above military folly, and today they seem to be cheering on a confrontation with Russia over Crimea. The same talking heads that were so very wrong in the past are still on the tube, telling us we’re chickens if we don’t attack. Of course, every one of them, like former V.P. Dick Cheney and professional incompetents David Brooks, Bill O’Reilly, and Bill Kristol are chiding President Obama right now over his patient strategy to deal with Russia’s Vladimir Putin, whom they seem to adore for his “leadership.” Imagine if liberals had started expressing their admiration for a Russian president! Cries of “commie!” “pinko!” and “why don’t you move to Russia” would be raining down on them, from the very same people. Of course, other issues that remain the same, and are getting worse, include global warming. Scientists were warning us about climate change since well before our first issue. Of course, only about 95% were certain of it then, as opposed to 98% now. The other 2% remain gainfully employed by the fossil fuel industry, thank you very much. And still, with extreme climate events, drought and floods, warming oceans, melting glaciers and rising temperatures all over the globe, so-called “leaders” have done very little to change our dangerous course. Sigh. Well, enough fond reminiscing! We’re here to lighten the load, not add to it! Our mission has always been to give you a little respite from the troubles of the world and the insane antics of those shaping our world. Our motto is, “Don’t cry about the news, laugh about it, with the Humor Times!” We continue with that mission in this issue. Please help us by sharing with friends. Enjoy! – James LeDoux, Publisher/editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 268, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Publisher/editor: James LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2014. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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April, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
3
Keeping Tabs Sen. Feinstein got suspicious when the CIA...
started doing what she said was the NSA’s job...
and dared to do it to her.
It was a big revelation for everyone.
But the CIA was ready for it...
and had a good answer.
Meanwhile, we may be the most observed society ever...
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HUMOR TIMES
where privacy can be hard to find.
April, 2014
Up, Up and Away It was a mystery...
33
but cable news stuck with the story...
33 Years
even when there was nothing left to say.
Meanwhile, in other mysterious transportation news:
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April, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
5
50 Shades of Cool It was more amusing than piano-playing kittens to see Barack Obama plug the Affordable Care Act on Zach Galifianakis’ internet comedy show. Not late night. Not basic cable. An internet show: “Between 2 Ferns.” Even funnier was the President trotting out the same expression he normally reserves for Bill O’Reilly interviews. The Chief Executive is apparently working his way down the marketing food chain. Next it’ll be ObamaCare coupons under windshield wipers in the parking lots of flea markets. Then a series of laminated ads posted above urinals. Won’t be long before Joe Biden is wearing a giant syringe costume twirling a sign on Pennsylvania Ave. The president is not new to the humor game. He’s proven his comedy chops o’plenty at previous functions, but even professional comedians have problems holding their own with the bearded Hangover franchise comic’s trademark condescending snark. 44, however, traded disdainful barbs like a Catskills trained tummler. Looks like the ordeal of dealing with Hillary’s State Department staff finally paid off. Can’t wait for him speak to Putin with the same sort of Borscht Belt pushback. This was Comedy Obama at his finest. Just one of the many guises we’ve seen Honolulu’s favorite son adopt. There’s Diplomatic Obama. Arrogant Obama. Tolerant Obama. Supercilious Obama. Hollywood Obama. Mississippi Obama. New Boss Obama. And Same as the Old Boss Obama.
Might explain why the country is this close to contracting a serious case of Multiple Presidential Personality Disorder. He’s President Sybil. Playing more roles than the tall kid who shaves at a summer Shakespeare camp. Doctors say the onset of Dissociative Identity Disorder can be traced to trauma and its entirely possible the Republican Party is responsible for these many faces of Eve, er, Barack. For 5 years the President has been hit in the head more often than an armless soccer goalie in a World Cup shootout. Of course, he could be setting himself up for an insanity defense. Mitch McConnell would be well advised to hire extra security. The Oval Office Shapeshifter’s pre-POTUS resume was pretty tame. Kenyan. Kansan. Hawaiian. Community organizer. Constitutional law professor. State Senator. U.S. Senator. Marijuana advocate. Audacity encourager. It’s only since 2009 that we’ve been treated to a kaleidoscope of eccentric facets. He’s a jock. A nerd. Cheerleader. Teacher’s pet. Motorcycle riding bad boy. Probably a closet band geek. Party standard bearer. Good will ambassador. Policy enforcer. Al Green impersonator. He’s half-black. He’s half-white. Ramrod. Contortionist. Healer. Divider. Defender of transparency. Master spy. Outlaw. Sheriff. Muslim. Christian. Politician. Citizen. Figurehead. Hood ornament. White hatted hero. Melodramatic villain. A puppet, a poet, a pawn and a king.
WILL DURST
Even the GOP can’t decide if he’s a hopeless novice or a demagoguing dictator. The right wing paints him as a radical jihadist while left wing progressives whine he’s a cowering conciliator. Making him a little bit Malcolm X and a little bit Urkel. Barack Obama is harder to pin down than an eel in a butter sculpture. A Nobel Peace Prize winner or the Manchurian Candidate. He’s either the classiest of cats or Captain Clueless. Relentless shark or a spineless jellyfish. Power mad knight errant or lute strumming eunuch. Or maybe he’s all of them. 50 shades of cool. Or drool. Perspective is everything. It’s Not the Hate, It’s the Stupidity Alright. Woo-hoo. We’re partying now. With the kind of enthusiasm normally reserved for sorting Phillips head screws from flat head screws, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer publicly vetoed SB 1062, legislation that would provide legal cover to businesses denying services based on the operator’s religious beliefs. The return of Jim Crow with a cactus beat. Yes, the finger jabbing governess banged down the brakes of the bigot bill. And the disappointment rumbling through the evangelical community caused snakes to be mishandled all the way to Eastern Tennessee. Give the lady credit. She hemmed. She hawed. She deliberated. Took her time like a molasses coated snail slogging up Everest against the wind in the dead of winter. The right thing was done; for the wrong reasons. The same way deciding not to drink that 8th beer was a smart move whether the cause was self- restraint or misplacing the bottle opener under the front seat. Mostly it was the threat of another state-wide economic boycott including the possibility of losing a second Super Bowl that did the trick. Once again, the NFL trumps religion. Of course, if those darn liberals hadn’t put up such a stink, she would have signed it so fast it would make a roadrunner’s head spin, mid beep- beep. Ironically, Brewer’s painstakingly lackadaisical response was responsible for ratcheting up the backlash that inflamed the country. She inadvertently gave the press time to trumpet the story. And the resulting uproar bodes as well for the umpteen other states considering similar legislation as a dead gila monster- head in your Frosted Flakes. This is what happens when the tourist industry, the business community, the state’s two GOP U.S. Senators and even some of the bill’s co-sponsors turn against it. With friends like these, who needs enemas? You’d think that vetoing a bill that sanctioned discrimination would be a no-brainer, but no-brainers aren’t quite the sure thing in Arizona. This is the state famous for voting against recognizing Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday as a holiday and encouraging local police to stop anybody with a tan on both their arms. Not to mention Alice Cooper. Perhaps Arizona legislators are unaware that religions other than Christianity exist, because depending on the faith of the business owner, this bill would have allowed folks to refuse service not just for sexual orientation but for sporting nail polish, fastening pants with zippers or eating shellfish. The burning hunger for desert shellfish having been dealt with many millennia ago. Not wearing a hat offends some gods. While the wearing of hats offends others. The gods, they are sartorially conflicted. Suspected of engaging in premarital sex? No ice cream for you! Divorced patrons can purchase their organic rutabagas somewhere else, thank you very much. Wear a turban? Don’t need a couch. Customers would need to take a urine test every time they dropped something off at the dry cleaners. With every piece of ludicrous legislation, it becomes increasingly apparent that AZ- the postal abbreviation for the Grand Canyon State- stands for “Angry Zenophobes.” And yes, xenophobe is actually spelled with an X, but the insensible and intolerant denizens of Arizona are probably unaware of that. Arizona: the American Uganda. It’s not the hate, it’s the stupidity. Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed, award-winning political stand-up comedian and writer. His column has been published in the Hu mor Times mag a zine for over 20 years. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his CDs, including “Elect to Laugh,” and check his calendar of personal appearances, including his hit one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG.”
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2014
Bouncing Back Republicans aren’t just waiting around for 2016...
but they’ve got one big problem.
They’re seeing how they measure up...
and bringing in reinforcements.
Obama is still a thorn in their side...
but their strategy is tried and true.
Meanwhile, the 2014 midterms are coming...
April, 2014
but they feel they’ve got that one in the bank.
HUMOR TIMES
7
Tough Road to Hoe
In Health News
Obama is working the circuit...
House Republicans are nothing if not persistent...
but not everyone is amused.
and are making the best case they can...
as they try to hold back the tide.
Still, he’s got a plan to attract midterm voters...
if only they’ll do their part. Meanwhile, new labeling rules have been proposed.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2014
The Hightower Lowdown Finding Populism Today Mass movements don’t just appear out of the fog, fully grown, structured and mobilized. They emerge in fits and starts of populism over many years, just as the American Revolution did, and as did the Populists’ original idea of a “cooperative commonwealth.” A successful people’s movement has to take the long view, to learn about itself as it builds, nurture the culture of its people, take chances, create fun for all involved, adapt to failures and successes, stay steadfast to its principles, have a stoic tenacity — and organize, organize, organize. A little serendipity helps, too, so grab it when you can. In 2011 a serendipitous moment for the cause of populism rumbled across our land, though later it was widely (and wrongly) dismissed as a failure. That September, hundreds of young people, loosely aligned with an upstart group called Occupy Wall Street, took over Zuccotti Park in New York City and audaciously camped out on the front stoop of the elite banksters who’d crashed our economy. Occupy’s depiction of the 1-percent vs. the 99-percent struck a chord with the unemployed, underemployed, and the knocked-down middle class. Occupy encampments quickly sprang up in some 200 cities and towns from coast to coast. The uprising was ridiculed (even by many progressive groups) as naive, undisciplined and
“not serious.” Who’s in charge? Where’s their strategic plan? Why don’t they have position papers? All this carping about Occupy failing to produce the usual trappings of a Washington-focused interest group missed two essential points the young people were making: (1) such trappings are not producing any change, and (2) we’re not an interest group, we’re a rebellion. Rebellion has to come first. As it builds, structure and process will follow in due time. The great strength of Occupy is that it was a genuine, non-institutional, social, non-wonkish, morally compelling, and spontaneous stand against the culture of inequality that the moneyed powers are imposing. It touched people in deeper ways than issue politics will ever do. And the great achievement of Occupy is that it prompted a cul tural shift that turned Wall Street’s barons into social pariahs and put the issue of inequality directly at the center of our nation’s political debate. We are the 99 percent. To find populism flowering today, take a road trip across any stretch of America, or take a gander around your community. You will find a splen did ar ray of or di nary folks re bel ling against the bosses, bankers, big shots and bastards who dare subjugate us to their greed, including: • Mad-as-hellers in dozens of states, often in isolated rural areas, now form an increasingly effective guerrilla network to combat
the massive invasion by global oil and gas giants to frack our land. Last November, three Colorado cities beat back Big Oil’s money and the lies of some of their own political officials in a vote to ban fracking in their areas. New York State and more than 100 other cities have imposed moratoria or bans on this corporate plundering. • Putting a specific face on Occupy’s theme of gross economic inequality, a nationwide revolt of exploited fast-food workers erupted last summer, gaining the high ground against McDonald’s and other poverty-wage profiteers. While Washington sticks to the miserly federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour, grassroots campaigns are elevating state and local minimums to $10 an hour and above. Last month, with much pressure from the out side ag i ta tors, Pres i dent Obama signed an executive order, which says the minimum wage for federal contract workers is $10.10 an hour. • Two huge corporate/government cabals — the sovereignty-sucking Trans-Pacific Partnership and the NSA’s secret, Orwellian program of spying on every American – are coming unraveled, thanks to public outrage that has united a left-right coalition in Congress. Meanwhile, the crucial populist struggle to sal vage our de moc racy from the Supreme Court’s scurrilous Citizens United edict, quietly continues to gain ground with 16 states and over 200 local jurisdictions pa s s ing pro pos a ls in s up p or t of a
JIM HIGHTOWER constitutional repeal of the Court’s ruling. There’s so much more underway, such as placing a Robin Hood tax on Wall Street speculators; a surge in co-ops as a democratic alternative to corporate control; getting Monsanto’s genetically altered organisms out of our food supply; a vibrant and positive campaign by immigrants themselves for immigrant rights; battling giants such as Disney World and Walmart to win paid sick leave days for low-wage workers; freeing college students from Wall Street’s loan sharks. All of these and so many more are the sprouting seeds of a widespread, flourishing Populism movement. The moment is ripe to bond them into something larger. “We can either have democracy in this coun try or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can’t have both.” – Justice Louis Brandeis (Supreme Court, 1916 to 1939) “Taxes are what we pay for a civilized society.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
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April, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Cleveland Browns Suggest “Personal Best Bowl” Once in a While In a highly publicized press con ference yes terday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam dis cussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system. Mr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty. So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog. “It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymous fan was quoted as saying. “It’s not ideal but, hey, this is Cleveland.” This isn’t the first time we’ve heard from the Bad News Browns’ front office on this issue. Here are some other bowls they’ve sug gested over the years: “Happy to be Here Bowl” “Pretty Good Bowl” “You’ve Been Rebuilding for Half a Century Bowl” “Kumbaya Bowl” “Anybody but the Freaking Patriots Bowl” Although we’ve yet to see any movement or signs from the commissioner, it’s time for something good to happen to Cleveland. Reported by Jeff Boldt, Humor Times
Westboro Baptists to Picket Fred Phelps’ Funeral
A Humor Times Exclusive Report A worldwide search has been launched for th e mis s in g c onsciences of hundreds of U.S. con gresspersons, after reports that they’ve gone missing. “Normally, we can track the existence of rep re sen ta tives’ consciences by looking at th eir v o t i ng tra nsponder records, but they make no sense at all now,” said Stanford political science professor Adam Bonica. “It’s possible they’ve been hijacked by dark money forces that have other plans for them.” The entire nation has been adrift since the disappearance, causing speculation that it may never be recovered. Initially, experts assumed the collective Congressional conscience had been ditched in the Potomac, but signals from devices implanted in sacks of money given for favors indicates that they may be all the way to China by now.
TOPEKA, KS – When Fred Phelps, founder and pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, died, his family said he died from natural causes. However, according to his own beliefs, he most likely died as a result of “an abomination unto the Lord.” For this reason, the family plans to picket Phelps’ funeral, with signs such as “We’re Pretty
“We hesitate to speculate that China has any involvement in this, but they do own most of America’s debt,” said L t . D a v i d L e v y, a spokes man for the Navy. “They have an in cen tive to own its conscience as well.” “It would be easy to lure a politician’s conscience away,” said Bonica. “All you have to do is blow hints of big bucks in an elected official’s ear, and they’ll follow you anywhere.” One theory holds that it was commandeered by certain dark money kingpins, such as the Koch brothers, for use in fashioning laws that help the rich get richer. “Certainly there is evidence that if that’s their plan, it is succeeding,” said professor Bonica. For its part, China has vehemently denied any involvement. “Our intelligence indicates you should be looking closer to home. You will likely find your congress members’ scruples nearby, in the pockets of their rich donors.”
Local Woman Obsessed with Making Pancakes with Likeness of Jesus or Somebody Lois Reiner, from Hoboken, New Jersey, is a woman with one goal in mind – to make a pancake that bears the likeness of someone famous. Reiner claims there is money to be made on eBay. Big money. Asked if she has been successful in her quest, Lois said, “Unfortunately, no, but I did get close once to making a pancake that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ, but upon closer inspection by my husband, Carl, it turned out looking more like a drugged-out hippie. I had to trash that one and quick,” she said. Her husband Carl, a bit irritated, said, “From the time she wakes up in the morning to well into the afternoon, Lois is making pancakes. I haven’t counted, but I can assure you that we’ve gone through well into the hundreds of pounds of flour and eggs, not to mention oodles of gallons of milk, for this ridiculous pancake quest
wanting you to ‘like’ them on Facebook, lonely girls searching matchmaker sites for their Prince Charming, teenagers downloading every rotten cored new song possible, housewives browsing for new, pseudo-fashionable dresses, pedophiles trolling for unripe, naive kids and wise-ass know-it-all humor websites. This is not what we created it for and it is going to stop.” Despite huge protests from Google, Ya hoo, Microsoft and Ap ple among many other compa nies that built their bankrolls upon the computer revolution, the military is going ahead with its plan and has begun pulling the plugs. As a small concession, the Armed Forces will leave a small amount of bandwidth for old black and white TV shows to play publicly and also songs from the 1950s and earlier. Internet users everywhere are furious, but they have only computers and the military has big scary guns and bombs. By Humor Times Senior Whiny Military Takeover Correspondent, Roger Freed.
she’s on.” Lois chimed in, “Yeah, well, you’ll Batch No. 281. be sorry when I make my first million off one of these pancakes and leave your sorry butt behind.” Meanwhile, Lois has admitted that she may have gone overboard with the pancakes, and plans on focusing next week on possibly trying grilled cheese sandwiches. “I heard that a woman got almost $30K for a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ. “Hell,” said Lois, “for that kind of money, I’m willing to stand in that kitchen from morning to night making grilled cheese sandwiches.” Carl looked heavenward and said, “Thanks, Lord. At least we’re moving on to lunch now.” Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times.
Fred Phelps: Man who loved to hate.
Sure Pastor Phelps Is Not Gay But We Aren’t Taking Any Chances,” and “Phred is Dead.” For good measure, the family plans on using other signs used at previous protests, including “God Hates Fags,” as a fond remembrance of their fallen pastor, and to “cover all our bases.” Fred Phelps is best known for picketing funerals of gay veterans who died while serving their country. Pastor Phelps based his belief system on hate. He was considered the best of his kind. A true hater’s hater. Ironically, the fire and brimstone he preached in his sermons is the very same he is now facing in the afterlife, or so it is believed by many who have been on the receiving end of his fury. “So far, we’ve received dozens of calls telling us what we can do with the body,” said Josiah Leavem, funeral director. “However, most of them are not fit to print.” The picket will be held on Saturday, weather permitting. Otherwise, Phelps will be laid to rest quietly and pre sumptively without any going-away festivities afterward, arranged by his deranged and estranged family. As for the rest of the world, the abiding hope is that Fred Phelps’ hate-filled teachings died with him. Reported by Humor Times Senior Wacky Pastor Correspondent, P. Beckert.
Study: Reading Books Undermines Brain’s Ability to Enjoy TV A new report was released by the Te l e v i s i o n Scientists of America last week. It shows th e over looked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument which enables us to process visual detail (or in layman’s terms, “see”). If one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system on a consistent basis, the end result is blindness. Therefore, according to science, if you don’t watch TV you’ll go blind. Their research further showed that those reading books were prone to excessively large frontal lobes (accounting for their excessively large douchieness) and, as a result, had underdeveloped parietal lobes. Even more alarming are the indicators that,
well, indicate that the more one is exposed to books, the more one actually wants to read. The study suggests that even casual reading can lead to habitual reading, which in turn can lead to “Reading Addiction,” which has been known to cause socially awkwardness and even rejection. “We are not just concerned for the individual here,” one scientist reported. “But really society as a whole. If enough people get it into their heads to read, and they begin to use their newly found vocabulary and ideas, social conversation won’t be the only thing that’s affected – we’re talking about the eventual breakdown of pop culture as we know it.” As a result of their rigorous research, TSA strongly recommends reading in small doses, and only when necessary, so as to avoid imagination burnout (TV subtitles are considered appropriate). Furthermore, it also recommends regular and hearty TV viewing as a substitute to avoid the da n gers of so cial re jec tion, douchbaggery, and blindness. *FYI, according to their Official Reading Rubric, this article accounts for one week’s worth of reading. Reported by HT Senior TV Watching Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.
The Rainbow Comes Out as Heterosexual International symbol for their movement shocks gay community
Appalachian Man Doesn’t Need Neck Tattoo Shane Fannin doesn’t need a neck tattoo to stand out. In fact, he says his unique personality suits him just fine. “I like to mow grass, day and night.” Fannin said. “It keeps me centered in God’s universe.” The 42 year old Kentucky native has an extensive collection of lawnmowers in his grandmother’s garage and doesn’t believe in body modification. “My nana said that if Jesus wanted us to mutilate our bodies with ink, then Jesus would have been the son of anarchy and not the son of God.” Fannin’s neighbors don’t mind the constant mowing of grass 24 hours a day. “It’s best if we don’t make eye contact with them,” a neighbor told the Humor Times. By Humor Times Senior Hillbilly Tattoo Correspondent, Lee Mays.
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Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Congress Still Missing in Inaction After Turning Off Conscience Transponders
U.S. Military, Creator of the Internet, Takes It Back The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans that it has become, and is taking it back. “It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now,” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services. “It was in tended as a sim ple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands, it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” “Unfortunately our invention was turned over to the masses in the ’90s and it has been molested ever since,” said computer scientist Dwight Bright, one of the men hired by the Pentagon to demolish the computer system of communication that has taken the world by storm. “People have really whored it out like a cheap Bronx side walk girl.” “Just look at what our baby has come to: ape-like guys searching for dirty pictures of women doing things they wouldn’t want their fathers knowing about, Walmart whining about
Headline News Section
In a shocking interview, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual. For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual. But since the 1970s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay. “I know I’ve been associated with homosexuality for quite some time now but I just gotta say…I’m in love with blue! Whew. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, Ellen.” Just after the big revelation, the multi-hued spectrum announced her engagement with the
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sky, confess i ng a life-long attraction and powerful bond bet ween t he two. “What started out as completely one-sided has grown into something quite magical. We hope to settle down along the horizon and, one day, maybe retire near a sunset.” Reported by HT Senior Inanimate Object Sexuality Correspondent Jeff Boldt.
April, 2014
Spaceship Earth
Cable Buy
Life is a mystery...
Cable companies continue to merge...
and a very fragile one.
which is good for everyone, they say.
Customers just want to watch their shows... In one sense, we’ve got a good track record...
and not be taken advantage of.
but things are getting pretty freaky.
April, 2014
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13
Do Unto Others
Recovering from Recovery
Arizona tried to make discrimination lawful...
College is tough, in more ways than one...
and some insist it’s their religious right...
and the bogged-down recovery is not helping.
but who needs a stinkin’ law anyway? “Job creators” are coming to the rescue any day now...
Meanwhile, others are feeling the rainbow wave.
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and a little tough love should keep the economy afloat.
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April, 2014
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Russia Goes for the Invasion Gold Putin has an appetite for expansion...
as Mother Russia embraces little Crimea.
Vladimir insists it’s just something he has to do...
but we just wouldn’t understand.
They say they gave Crimea a choice...
and that they were all for it.
Besides, Russia is just there to help...
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so stay out of Putin’s way. (continued)
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April, 2014
Back in the USA, the matter is being taken seriously...
The prez is in a tough spot...
but says he won’t just roll over.
Putin has been putting Obama off...
and accusations are flying.
Sen. McCain says Obama is soft...
April, 2014
and Republicans have been clear about how they feel.
and that he’s rewarding Putin’s aggression.
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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April, 2014
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