Humor Times, July 2014

“Warning: The Humor Times can be dangerous to your health. I almost died laughing!” – Rep. Alan Grayson, (D-FL 9th) Issue #271

July, 2014

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July, 2014

Editor’s Letter With global warming being nearly universally accepted as fact – even if some still stubbornly refuse to admit that human activity is the main cause – can we please begin to tackle the problem in a real way?

And can someone please tell me why funding alternative energy now isn’t at least as important as funding oil and nuclear energy was in past decades?

According to Charles Komanoff, co-founder of the Carbon Tax Center, nuclear reactor subsidies from 1950-1990 totaled $154 billion, or $3.75 billion a year. Meanwhile, wind power subsidies from 1983-2007 totaled the same as nuclear’s yearly average, $3.75 billion (just $150 million a year).

And according to Energy Fact Check (energyfactcheck.org): “In cumulative dollar amounts, over the lifetimes of their respective subsidies, the oil, coal, gas and nuclear industries have received approximately $630 billion in U.S. government subsidies, while wind, solar, biofuels and other renewable sectors have received a total of roughly $50 billion in government investments.”

And further: “According to a 2012 study from the Worldwatch Institute (WWI), global energy subsidies total between $775 billion and more than $1 trillion in 2012, while renewables clocked in at around $66 billion in 2010.”

Imagine if those kind of resources were diverted into alternative energy, starting today. One trillion dollars would go a long, long way toward ending our fossil fuel addiction (even George W. Bush called it an addiction!) and saving the planet from the worst of climate change’s effects.

Some fossil fool talking heads on TV, changing tack in the face of overwhelming agreement, yet still firmly implanted in their pro-corporate fantasy bubble, are now saying that, basically, it’s too late, why bother? After all, it’ll hurt the economy, they say.

It’s true that the latent effects of the carbon already released into the environment can’t be reversed, and that we’re in for some rough weather no matter what we do. However, it could get far, far worse in a few decades if we do nothing, even to the point of our own extinction as a species. We can still mitigate the worst of global warming’s effects, and we must, for future generations. The sooner we get started – and the more we invest in it – the better.

Besides, the side effect is a boost to the economy, not a drag! With a trillion dollars invested in building new alternative energy capacity, how could it not create millions of new jobs and provide a much-needed stimulus? The only ones it would hurt are the dinosaurs still invested in fossil fuels. And that’s one species I wouldn’t mind seeing go extinct!

– James Israel Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 271, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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July, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

3

Mission Un-accomplished Iraq is the gift that keeps on giving...

well beyond its expiration date.

We installed a “democracy” and let ’er rip...

but we missed one little thing.

The previous administration had a bright idea...

and it’s obvious who messed it up.

It’s a terrible mess...

4

and someone’s got to deal with it. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2014

Damned If You Do...

Now the president has a new plan...

Obama bagged another high-profile terrorist...

that sounds eerily familiar.

but it was obviously just a trick.

The entire Middle East is a hotbed...

Republicans can’t be fooled, though...

and getting out is not proving easy. they know the prez always has something up his sleeve.

July, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

5

Zombified You see them staggering down our streets, heads bowed as if in prayer, making the occasional grunting noise. Mindless drooling de-animated human husks walking blindly into fountains, crosswalks and lamp posts. Wake up people. We are in the middle of a science fiction movie here. Welcome to the Invasion of the Smart Phone Zombies.

Yes, the Zombie Apocalypse has materialized and we are it.

Everywhere you look you find the deathlike trance-frozen faces of we necromantic slaves with twitching fingers, spending endless empty hours mesmerized by our tiny screens. An entire society that can’t remember its own phone number, much less that of any significant other. Of course, compared to our magical phones, there are no significant others.

Our smart phones are being manipulated by some very dumb people. Sure, amazing things can be accomplished: check the weather patterns in Outer Mongolia. Translate French past participles into Farsi. Order a chess set made out of imitation crab meat in the shape of the characters from 12 Years a Slave and have it delivered to our house before getting back from work. But in the meantime, we are developing the attention span of high-speed lint. And the personalities.

The contagion has spread everywhere. Stall zombies in public rest rooms that hog the enclosed sanctum to play a quick round of

Fruit Ninja. Or two. Nightlife zombies who ignore the jokes onstage so they can respond with multiple LOLs on their electronic leash. Tangentially ambulatory zombies who get into their car but refuse to leave parking spots until checking in with High Command. Vacation zombies who spend thousands of dollars to stare at their phones in distant exotic lands.

And we zombies have proved desperate to swell our ranks.

Zombifying others via slide presentations of cute cats cavorting.

Even attempting to recruit potential zombie converts through such subhuman treatment as incessant shame and humiliation.

“Seriously. That’s your phone? Who made it: Daewoo? Is that the fabled rotary cell phone? Must be neat to have Teddy Roosevelt on your speed dial. Bet your roaming charges are huge. Play much ‘snake’ lately?”

While our forefingers develop biceps and our thumbs evolve to the size of zucchini, society continues its deep deterioration.

Groups of friends who have lost the will to converse, huddling together solely for warmth and light. Drivers staring into their laps, their faces reflecting an eerie glow. Entire families walking past each other hypnotized by their devices, going days without engaging in any major argument.

Dealing with the chronically anesthetized is exhausting. Who hasn’t tired of politely turning after being addressed only to find

WILL DURST

it’s some zombie in a suit on a Bluetooth talking to himself? But the worst are the suited Bluetoothed elevator zombies. Shut your piehole dirtwipe. Nobody here cares to know how many units need to be transferred to Topeka by Wednesday; we would pay good money to see some Topeka stuffed up your unit today.

In order to contain this smart phone pandemic, the CDC should issue a directive that encourages the unzombified to punch Bluetoothed elevator zombies right in their ear. Hard. Multiple times. And when the stupefied ones wake from their narcoleptic slumber and turn with confused expressions, inform them that it was all in the interest of the greater good. A blow for the sake of civilization itself.

The Kochocracy In the bad old days, medieval German Lords figured out how to pocket some quick coin by charging a toll on the primitive paths meandering across their lands. The money wasn’t used to improve the roads or better the lives of the peasants or clean the rivers their pigs pooped in but rather heighten the piles in their treasury. Even back then, you just couldn’t have enough pewter candlesticks.

These were the first robber barons. Literally. Rich people whose sole pursuit was to survive to become richer people. A criminal aristocracy. A term history has proved redundant.

During the Gilded Age, the flushest 1 percent of the country held 1/3 of the national income. In the 1920s, this figure ramped up to 2/5ths. Molehills compared to today’s mountainous wealth, where the richest 400 American families control more money than the poorest 165 million of their fellow citizens put together. And if all 165 million were knelt end to end, those 400 families would have footrests from any compass point.

6 members of the Walton Family have accrued as much money as the bottom 41 percent of all Americans. Now, how hard would it be for them to cover the health care of Walmart employees? They’d still be worth as much as the bottom 34 percent. How many pewter candlesticks does one family need?

You’d think they could get them wholesale.

In decision after decision the Supreme Court has equated money with free speech. Which would be great if it meant the more we spoke, the more we’re worth. But, alas, no. That’s not the deal. Pretty much the opposite, come to think of it.

Rich people have exploited these high court rulings like foxes given skeleton keys to the Tyson chicken empire. Any politician who espouses lowering taxes on the rich and blunting the powers of the poor gets backed. With unlimited sums. Of course the poor have free speech too, but we might as well be whispering downstage at a Metallica concert.

A plutocracy is a society where the rich make the rules — quickly becoming our norm. The 9th richest man in the world, Sheldon Adelson, focuses on politicians whose Israeli policies most closely mirror his. That’s it. One issue. In 2012, he gave 90 million to various GOP presidential candidates. And in the next election cycle, he is reportedly ready to triple that number, recently holding auditions in Las Vegas for his own personal presidential candidate American Idol. Once again: not Clay Aiken.

The most Darth-like of the new Robber Barons are the Koch Brothers, David and Charles, each richer than Adelson. These self-made inheritors of a vast oil empire are responsible for jumpstarting the Tea Party and ALEC, and are now hand picking candidates all over the country; pouring in vast amounts of money to get them and their skewed legacies elected. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is one of the first generation Kochbots.

If so desired, the Koch Family could spend a billion dollars a year for the next 85 years buying politicians. Bankrupting the rest of us through Kochbot legislated tolls on the primitive paths meandering across Koch owned lands. Especially egregious when ALL the lands are Koch owned. Welcome to the American Kochocracy.

Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed, award-winning political stand-up comedian and writer. His column has been published in the Hu mor Times for over 20 years. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his CDs, including “Elect to Laugh,” and check his calendar of personal appearances, including his hit one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG.”

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HUMOR TIMES

July, 2014

Toasty It’s getting warmer...

but some are too insulated to see it.

Everything is telling us we must change...

but it ain’t easy.

Obama is trying to institute new rules...

but he’s getting a lot of flak.

If we don’t act, we’ll end up like the dinosaurs...

July, 2014

but unlike them, we don’t have an excuse.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Leave No Talking Point Behind America should never leave a soldier behind...

except in extreme circumstances...

which, of course, can change.

But Congress can’t fathom why it wasn’t consulted.

Meanwhile, there was that whole beard controversy...

speaking of which, remember this?

Anyway, Rebubs insist they could’ve done better...

8

and they want you to know they’re on the job.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2014

The Hightower Lowdown A Bold Shift in America’s Minimum Wage Debate At last, our political leaders in Washington are taking action for low-wage workers and the middle class, striking a bold blow for America’s his toric val ues of eco nomic fair ness and common good.

Gosh, I hope you don’t think I meant Washington, D.C.! No, no — the same old corporate mentality of stiffing workers and stripping any semblance of ethics from the work ethic still rules in that plutocratic roost.

Rather than Washington, D.C., it’s Washington state I’m talking about, specifically the progressive forces of Seattle who’ve just produced a landmark $15-an-hour minimum wage. Instead of just talking about the widening gap of inequality and wishing our do-nothing Congress might give a damn about the mil lions of hard-working Americans being knocked down, the good people of Seattle are providing some much-needed national leadership.

“We did it — workers did this,” said Kshama Sawant. She has been a leader of Occupy Seattle, and then became the tenacious, articulate leader of a large grass roots co ali tion of low-wage workers called “15 Now.” Last year, Sawant was elected to the City Council by putt-

ing the case for the $15 minimum wage floor directly to the voters.

In addition, Mayor Ed Murray campaigned last year for raising the minimum wage to $15 — indexed to inflation. Having won, he pulled together a 24-member working group of both labor and business interests this year, and they spent the last four months working together to hammer out details of the local ordinance. On June 2, all nine city council members voted unanimously to adopt it.

Achieving this was not exactly a breeze, for the forces of corporate avarice always pull out all the stops to defeat any move to improve the lot of ordinary working families. When it comes to raising the minimum wage to at least a bare level of human decency, pulling out all the stops invariably includes corporate PR deceptions, such as pretending that helping workers would p u t an i n to l er a ble s que e z e on little mom-and-pop stores.

But wait — who are those large guys looming in the shadows, back behind mom and pop, carefully guarding the cash register?

W h y, t h e y ’ r e m ul t i b i l l i o n - d ol l a r, brand-name chains. These corporate behemoths — not mom and pop — are the chief exploiters of millions of low-wage American workers.

They’re rank profiteers, constantly lobbying in Congress, states and cities to hold down wages, benefits and hope — even as they wallow in record profits and shell out exorbitant, multimillion-dollar paychecks to their top executives.

Sure enough, when the people of Seattle agreed to raise the minimum wage in their fair city to $15 an hour, an outfit called the International Franchise Association wept crocodile tears for local small business owners, pledging to unleash a pack of lawyers to sue the city, hoping a federal judge will nullify the will of local voters and overturn the “unfair” wage law.

Don’t look now, but IAF is not local and does not represent mom and pop. It’s a Washington, D.C., lobbying consortium made up of franchised corporate chains intent on keeping America’s wage floor beneath the poverty level.

The chairman of IAF’s executive committee is a McDonald’s executive. Its board of directors sparkles with a who’s who of super-wealthy corporations, including Coca Cola, Marriott Hotels, Dunkin Donuts, Pepsi Food Services, Taco Bell and just about every other fast-food chain you can think of. Excuse me if I don’t weep over the “tragedy” of them finally being made to pay honest wages.

While our thoroughly corporatized Congress continues to side with such low-wage exploiters, cities and states across the country are standing up for America’s workaday majority

JIM HIGHTOWER and the common good. Paying a fair wage is not a matter of corporate accounting, but a measure of our wealthy society’s moral character. The political fight is far from over, but the good people of Seattle have done all of us a big favor by moving the wage de bate from the miserly, self-centered turf of the corporate bottom line to the moral high ground of social justice, where it really belongs. Seattle is just the start of this movement, so let’s keep it going.

For more in for ma tion on the spread ing $15-an-hour minimum wage movement, visit www.15now.org.

“Over the course of the last centuries, the commons was fenced, and everything from agriculture to water was commoditized without regard to the true cost in non-renewable resources. Human beings, who had spent centuries evolving away from slavery, were re-commoditized by the Industrial Era.” – Robert David Steele, former CIA spy, now an “Open Source Intelligence” pioneer.

Cyberwar China has been spying, hacking and stealing...

and we’re not going to stand for it...

any more.

July, 2014

But maybe we’re making a big deal about nothing.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Amazing Race to Release ‘Sad Sack Race’ for Rest of Us The CBS fi nale of Amaz ing Race All-Stars 2014 did not disappoint, and the world once again was able to live vicariously through beautiful, (mostly) young, well-toned human beings.

However, after going back and reviewing the millions and millions of video submissions from normal, everyday Americans, the producers of the hit show felt that they weren’t accurately reflecting their fan base and were only contributing to the expanding disconnect between reality and reality TV. “Take this one for instance,” host and producer Phil Keoghan offered. “This guy’s in his mid to late thirties, probably majored in literature or something, can’t climb an actual staircase much less a corporate one, and so he has to try and win money on reality TV competitions. It’s sad, really. But hey, that was the whole idea behind ‘Sad Sacks 2015’ – it will be like turning your television into a mirror.”

According to the designers of the race, the challenges, detours, pit stops, and overall difficulty level will be adjusted according to a competitor’s ability. Furthermore, the trips them selves will be a d j u s t e d t o m e e t th e i r l e v e l o f ethnocentrism (probably very high).

For example, instead of making them travel from Paris, France to Athens, Greece they will only have to travel from Paris, Texas to Athens, Georgia.

Local Sad Sack hopeful and longtime Amazing Race fan, Jay Elbee, was asked if he took offense to the new show’s title.

“Hey, I don’t care if they take a dump in a sack and make me carry it around the whole time, it wouldn’t matter after getting the money.”

To which Phil replied, “You know, I think that is one of the detours.”

By HT Senior Sad Sack Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

Nothing stopping pure, unrepentant candor after shocking primary loss Following Eric Cantor’s stunning defeat in “For example, we’re not against teenage Virginia’s GOP primary, Repregnancy,” he said. “In fact we publican leaders are planning a encourage it, which is why we new strategy for the November simultaneously oppose sex edelections. ucation, birth control and abor“It’s time for us to come out tion. You see, teenage girls of the PC closet,” said a weighed down by babies and moist-eyed, vis i bly re lieved abusive boyfriends are more John Boehner, Speaker of the easily exploited.”

House. “For too long, Republi“We also strongly encourcan s h av e b o we d to t he age ignorance,” Boehner said. drive-by media, sugar-coating “That’s why we un der-fund what we really stand for. Dave public schools, attack teachers Brat’s victory shows that we and encourage private tuition.” can say clearly who we are and “Why do you think we want what we will actually do in ofto cut school lunches? For budfice. No more mincing words.” Cantor and Boehner. Photo: Talk getary reasons? That was our Radio News Service, flickr.

On immigration, Boehner old line. Now we can just come said, “The truth is the GOP is only against out and say it: hungry kids don’t learn as well. dark-skinned wetbacks. Europeans are perfectly The less working-class kids know how to think welcome.” critically, the more likely they are to vote for “Oh, this is good,” he said, tears flowing cheap emotive slogans like ‘Obama is Hitler!’ freely now. “We can speak candidly. Free at last, ‘Liberals Eat Babies,’ and ‘We Built It.’” free at last!”

“Mark my words: Eric Cantor’s defeat will Then, on a roll, he added: “Illegals already end up being good for us. We’ll lock in a Repubhere should be rounded up and sent back. We lican majority forever,” Boehner said. “And it plan to legalize ethnic profiling and allow po- will all be perfectly legal and constitutional. lice to stop and demand IDs, like in Arizona.”

Take it to the Supreme Court if you like – we’ve “Ooh. That felt good,” he added. got a majority there.”

Boehner noted that GOP policies in numerBy HT Senior ‘BS Exposed’ Correspondent, ous areas have been misunderstood.

Michael Egan.

Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance On May 22nd, the White House posthumously commemorated a new stamp in honor of Harvey Milk, the first member of the lactose community to openly drink milk as an adult politician.

Immediately after its release, the American Family Association – a group identified as “lactose intolerant” – announced a Milk stamp boycott and encouraged all of their members to do the same. They also encourage people not to even open any mail bearing the stamp.

“To disagree with drinking milk as an adult is one thing,” Post mas ter Gen eral Rich ard Donahoe said upon hearing of the boycott. “But to object to all things dairy? That’s a bit much.”

Debate still rages as to whether or not a person is born lactose intolerant or if they choose to hate milk because of exposure or bad experiences when they were young.

“It’s tough to say definitively,” offered milk scientist Jenn Ralmills. “I’ve seen children show aversion to milk very early on without any en cour age ment what so ever. But I’ve also

thou sand words,” Dr. Sav age-Rumbaugh boasted joyfully. “He had even learned to string s i m p l e s e n t e n c e s t ogether, some of which were very imaginative.”

“I remember his very first sentence,” she went on nos tal gi cally. “He came over to the lexigram board around lunch time and pointed at ‘eat,’ as he normal does, but then he pointed at ‘poop’ immediately afterwards. Of course, he’s not able to use conjunctions and articles but I knew he was saying he wanted to eat lunch first and then use the restroom. What a gentleman he was!”

“Although, for some reason he didn’t want the banana we tried to give him.”

By HT Senior Poo Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

It’s a Small Third World After All: Afghani-Disneyland Announced With the drawing down of U.S and NATO troops in Af ghan i stan, Pres i dent Obama announced the final phase of his Afghan policy, the purchase of Afghanistan by Disney.

Asked if the land was outside of Kabul, the president replied, “No, I mean they purchased Afghanistan – the whole country.”

Walt Disney CEO Robert Iger added, “We believe anyplace with that much opium has the potential to truly be the happiest place on earth.”

Iger announced plans to turn the country into one giant Disneyland theme park: “Normally, we’d have to demolish all the structures and displace the locals. But, between the Taliban and

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Cantor Defeat Convinces GOP to Come Out of Closet

Kanzi, World’s Smartest Ape, Still Not Making Headway on Whole Poo Eating Thing Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo.

T h i s ve r y s p e c i a l bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa un der the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps.

Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh trained the ape, and is known for an uncanny connection with the animal kingdom – from hearing the first puppy speak English to being able to listen to the thoughts of turtles. She eventually left the center and moved to New Jersey.

“Kanzi has a working vocabulary of over one

Headline News Section

NATO, all the h ard w or k’s been done.”

Rid es a re reported to inclu d e Tor a Bo ra: The Disneyland. Scott Schrantz, fickr.

Roller Coaster, War Lords of the Poppy Fields, It’s a Small Third World After All, Country Burka Jamboree, Camel Toe Junction and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pashtun.

By HT Senior “I’m Going to Disneyland, No Not That One” Correspondent, Paul Lander.

known countless identical twins (children who came from the same sperm and egg and thus share the same DNA) who end up on two differ ent paths – one child is a milk-drinker but the other starts out with a slight aver sion to it Image from Freaking and then even tu ally becomes lactose intolerant.”

When asked about her own personal opinion, she balked.

“As a scientist, that’s as far as I’ll go. But as a human being, I will say this: I used to be lactose intolerant when I was younger, but now I find that no drink is perfect, and that every drink is much, much more than the labels we put on them.”

By HT Senior Milk-Mustachioed Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

College Feminists Demand ‘George Will Rape Center’ College feminists are now up in arms, nationally demanding campus “rape-service centers,” so that female students can quickly achieve the status of victimhood and all its privileges.

Their demand follows columnist George Will’s sharp-eyed observation in a Washington Times column that sexual victimhood on campus is “a coveted status that confers privileges.”

George Will, explaining his alleged thought process.

“It’s not fair that ‘gropees,’ as we call them, should get the coveted status and privileges,” said an anonymous and genderless spokesthing at a state university. It explained that a “gropee” is a female student who has been lucky enough to be groped, especially by a horny male professor.

As soon as this is made public, the gropee becomes a popular figure for conjecture, rumors and other honors. Some students even transfer to other colleges, they feel so privileged.

“Our new George Will RSC provides a wonderful smorgasbord of abusive and humiliating sexual experiences,” said the spokesthing, showing me around a large trailer in a back parking lot. Sounds of muted sobbing and dry heaves came from within. “We’re always busy.”

The service is staffed by volunteer university men known as “Georges.” “Luckily there are a number of concerned and liberated men who are willing to help us out,” said the spokesthing.

Plans for a permanent George Will center include a heavy breathing booth (halitosis extra), the Hugh Grant Wolf Whistles Auditorium, a “leers and sneers” lineup, repeated verbal sexual harassment by random fraternity men, two full hours of disgusting and demeaning sexual jokes, anonymous unwanted squeezings and fingerings in a dim room, and of course the rape experience itself (gangbangs extra).

“Af ter that, the only worse thing is a face-to-face with George Will himself,” he said, add ing that his sti fling air of white male superiority was almost more than anyone could bear.

By HT Senior Privileged Coveted Status Correspondent, Michael Egan.

Kim Jong Un to Replace North Korean Meteorologists with Jim Cantore Cantore reportedly recruiting Dennis Rodman to fill in for him Supreme Leader Kim Jong un was hopping mad this week when, for the umpteenth time, his national hydro-meteorological scientists gave an erroneous prediction.

“You said it was going to snow!” the enraged leader shouted to the weather scientists.

“Look at me! Look at me! I am dressed for snow. I had my skis waxed. I was ready for a downhill run, and it is 80 degrees and sunny outside. I cannot go outside in the sun. It will ruin my porcelain skin. Make it snow! Make it snow right now,” the leader screamed.

The scientists tried to reason with Kim Jong un, saying while they apologize for the error, they simply could not fix the problem, blaming their errors on poor equipment the state has had for decades.

“We have heard that other countries have something called dumplings radar, and if we had dumplings radar, maybe we could predict the weather better,” said one unidentified meteorologist, charged with the task of going outside each morning, looking up into the sky, and determining what the weather will be like for the next 24-hour period.

“It was freezing out this morning,” he said.

“Of course, I assumed it was cold enough to snow.”

Jong un told the meteorologist his weather forecasting skills were sorely lacking.

“You know what? You’re fired. And by ‘fired,’ I mean fired out of a cannon off a thousand foot cliff. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” he chuckled, as guards hauled the screaming

HUMOR TIMES

Jim Cantore: “Thanks, but I’d rather brave a category five hurricane any day.”

former meteorologist away.

“Give me Jim Cantore. Weather Channel always make me laugh. Jim Cantore always in panic. I like Jim Cantore. Get me Jim Cantore,” demanded the stubby little dictator.

All attempts by Un’s staff to reach Cantore have so far failed. Asked what he thought of the ridiculous notion that a leader of a closed-off country could just get whatever he wanted, Cantore was understanding.

“He’s short. I get that. I’m not the tallest guy either. Of course, I’m much taller than him. He’s just having a short-guy hissy fit. We all do. He’ll get over it. But no, I’m not interested in living in North Korea anytime soon. Their weather is too boring,” said Cantore, who was readying himself to fly into the eye of Hurricane Cristina in the Pacific Ocean in a small, single-engine Piper Cub.

By HT Senior Stubby Little Dictator Correspondent, P. Beckert.

July, 2014

Guns Psychopaths are being emboldened...

by a gun-loving culture.

And what happens if we take it to the extreme?

What if it was this bad in the early days?

The country seems to be drifting...

towards a new, insane “normal.”

and be thankful for small steps toward sanity.

At least we can hope the guilty get what’s coming...

July, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

13

On the Left Obama sometimes seems out of the loop...

and a little lost.

and sometimes you make a bad deal.

The ‘world leader’ game ain’t easy, though...

Meanwhile, Hillary said she knows what it’s like to be broke...

and what to wear when she wins.

like whether to run...

14

and to face tough questions...

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2014

On the Right The Tea Party lost most of its primaries...

but delivered on the big one...

which was something noone expected.

They like to upgrade whenever possible...

and send immigration lovers packing.

Cantor’s loss will change party politics...

because the big boys expect to get what they pay for.

and they’d better get used to it...

July, 2014

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15

Economy It’s tough out there for a lot of people...

and it’s hard to find good advice...

it all seems rigged against the little guy...

and we’re still waiting on that recovery.

“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst

Don’t Be Selfish!

Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!

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July, 2014

How We Say Thanks

How We Prepare Youth

Memorial Day is set aside to honor vets...

Student debt is reaching ridiculous proportions...

but actions speak louder than words. making it hard to get a leg up.

The system needs fixing...

Luckily, Congress has heard the cries for reform...

and changing the leadership was the first step. as have mothers everywhere.

July, 2014

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17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2014

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