Humor Times, August 2014

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August, 2014

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Editor’s Letter What can you say about Hobby Lobby? It seems one of their “hobbies” as a corporate entity is religion.

The proposition that a company or a corporation can have religious beliefs seems laughable on its face – and yet, the highest court in the land agreed that it can.

This Supreme Court is the most radical ever. They strike down precedent like it means nothing at all, they empower faceless corporations at every opportunity, and they recently set back voting rights by fifty years. And they’re not done yet.

What I call the “Extreme Supreme 5” – Alito, Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy – should be impeached for their many anti-democratic decisions that empower corporations as “persons.” These decisions are eroding the very fabric of our democratic republic, and allowing corporate power to overly influence our elected representatives.

Yes, it’s highly unlikely that impeachment could ever happen. It takes a two-thirds vote of the Senate to remove a federal judge, and that’s after the House votes to impeach -- a combination that is nearly impossible in our two-party system. But, as Nathan Newman, founder of Tech-Progress.org stated, “The Constitution says judges ‘shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour,’ so speaking of impeachment is the way to assert that using partisan judicial power to undermine health care for our nation is not proper behavior for unelected judges.” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nathan-newman/supreme-court-health-care-law_ b_1405825.html) I also agree with Newman when he says, “When Earl Warren led the Court in its Brown v. Board of Education decision in 1954, he made sure it was a 9-0 unanimous decision to make clear that such an extraordinary intervention into democratic governance reflected a nearly universal consensus in the legal world. The current Roberts Court, on the other hand, regularly hands down anti-democratic decisions based on 5-4 partisan divides, undermining any credibility that the Court speaks for beliefs with any partisan difference from other political branches.”

Benjamin Franklin, emerging from Independence Hall on the final day of deliberation for the Constitution, said they had given us “a Republic, if you can keep it.” As that statement acknowledged, it is not easy to keep a democratic republic such as ours from being tainted or contaminated by forces that would profit from weakening it, and this Court is helping those forces. When it comes down to it, they are risking the entire American experiment in democracy to satisfy their twisted beliefs.

If nothing else, perhaps a serious national debate on impeachment could at least make them think twice about what they are doing.

– James Israel Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 272, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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August, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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Religion as a Hobby The Supremes have a pro-corporate hobby...

and the “Extreme Supreme 5” are not shy about it.

They’re not afraid to flaunt their bias...

as they give corporations unprecedented powers.

They can now deny coverage for contraceptives...

a worrisome thing for female employees...

4

based on their corporate piousness...

but don’t get your panties in a bunch, they say. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Privacy Meanwhile, other decisions neatly dovetail...

The founders couldn’t think of everything...

but one recent ruling is good news...

although they reek of hypocrisy.

for some.

It’s bad news all over...

but as consumers, people can make a difference.

August, 2014

Meanwhile, getting info from the gov’t remains difficult.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Digital Cheese Plenty of people had good reason to be in a foul mood back in 2012. The Detroit Tigers. Members of the Romney family. And, after making the acquaintance of a windy lass named Sandy, most of New England.

Now, we can add to that list the thousands of suckers who were manipulated by our good friend at Facebook. Although the word they coined – “unfriend” – might fit better here.

Recently it was revealed the social media behemoth filtered the messages of 700,000 users by flooding them with uplifting and/or depressing posts, then monitoring who got happy and who got sad.

“Oh no. Grandma’s bicycle got run over by a garbage truck.

Awww. But hey! Watch what happens when this pit bull chews on a kiddie pool.”

They say we agreed to this kind of BS when we signed on, but – come on. Its doubtful even the employees who write them read those user agreements. Typically, they’re longer than the migratory path of the monarch butterfly, more confusing than Cantonese crosswords and displayed in flea font.

Corporate lawyers didn’t evolve from mud-sucking, bottom-feeders for nothing. They know how to hide all sorts of stuff in that fine print. Wouldn’t be surprised to discover there’s a clause stating that in time of war, they own one of my kidneys.

And another that gives them the right to call at any time of night demanding help in moving a body.

Google also admits to running 20,000 experiments on its search results every year and you can bet Twitter, Amazon, Pinterest and Crabgrass.com are doing the same. Probably even Yahoo has scientists using tools calibrated back in the 90s. The 1890s.

Some bloggers claim to be outraged, but anybody not expecting to be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed and numbered is probably a big fan of the tooth fairy and still drinking juice out of a sippy cup, wearing footy pajamas. Online privacy is like Taliban science. A fictional concept.

Think of it as Newton’s Law 3.1. The price we must pay for having the world at our fingertips is maintaining an equal and opposite availability to everyone else’s fingertips. Some of which are cold and clammy. Especially the Faceless ones with the chromium digits. But we’ve adapted. You don’t hear a lot of noise about folks going back to MySpace. Or Compuserve.

Facebook claims they’re simply trying to create the best environment possible for their petri dish of social contact. And we microbes can expect the research to not only continue, but get more sophisticated. Won’t be long before they are able to predict which of our family members will pass out before Thanksgiving Dinner.

WILL DURST

Which could come in handy with menu planning.

Our best bet is to nudge them in consumer friendly directions.

Don’t they want to know how many people would delete their accounts after all cute cat videos were outlawed? How about a “Bummer” button for deaths, divorces, debacles, disasters and defeats?

The thing is, if Mark Zuckerberg and his ilk are going to use us as lab rats, the least they could do is throw us some minor rewards. When rats finish a maze, aren’t they supposed to get cheese? Hey Zuck, where’s our digital cheese? Make mine Cheddar. Swiss puts me in a bad mood. Oops. Shouldn’t have said that.

The Washington Treaty Breakers?

You don’t hear much about the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office. And that, my friends, is a good thing. Usually this federal office is as controversial as parsley wrapped celery. On a 1-10 scale of boring, patent law has to rate about a 3,000. That’s normally.

But today this obscure agency has thrown football fans into raging fits. Real football. Where guys in helmets use their hands to throw or carry some spheroid object. Not faux football, where athletes direct a round ball with their feet.

In a 2-1 ruling, the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board stripped the Washington Redskins of six trademark registrations after concluding the football team’s name was disparaging to Native Americans, and thus in violation of laws banning offensive language. Although to many Americans it’s the locational part of the name that is most repugnant. Especially those Americans known to party with cups of tea.

The USPTO made a similar ruling back in 1999 against the Redskins, but it was overturned, and may very well be again.

Because as we all know, the government is fond of doing the same thing over and over and over again. Expecting different results.

Conservatives fear this kind of political correctness will snowball, causing many nicknames to be spurned. For instance: should the Pittsburgh Pirates be compelled to switch their name because it’s offensive to families who have been pillaged? The Green Bay Packers due to folks harboring nightmares concerning broken lamps? The commissioners could forestall this movement by declaring all sports teams be named after marsupials.

What about the Fighting Irish? Does anybody really think that drunken Leprechauns with fists cocked are responsible role models for today’s university students? The Utah Jazz is an odious appellation to anybody possessing a modicum of musical taste. And the name of the state of Oklahoma is Choctaw for red people. Should they be forced to repeal their name or can we just get rid of the state altogether?

How about individuals? Doesn’t the same logic mandate that anybody named Manson or Hitler alter their name so as not to remind victims’ relatives of their grisly crimes? Adolf? Charlie? What about Bush? Clinton? Kardashian?

And if the Redskins’ Daniel Snyder, owner of the 3rd most valuable NFL franchise, according to Forbes Magazine, does cave to the rising cries of boycott, which direction will he head?

Reportedly, the team has already filed for the trademark of Washington Warriors, but that doesn’t really distill the essence of the town. The Senators won’t work. Baseball tried and it depressed the players so much the team was forced to move.

Twice.

He could capture the true spirit of the town with… the Washington Slippery Slopes. The Ethical Sliders. Corrupters. Prevaricators. The Hogs works and even has sentimental ties.

If you want intimidating, how bout the Washington Lobbyists? The Patent Lawyers. Under Secretaries. The Filibusterers.

The Kickbacks has a vague football feel. The Mindless Horde.

The Red Inks wouldn’t necessitate the need to buy new letters for the stadium exterior.

But, if honoring the proud indigenous nations of America is, as the team claims, the actual goal, how about the Washington Treaty Breakers. Or the Plague Blankets – which is pretty damn scary. And finally, to keep the natural rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys intact – the Washington Barbed Wires.

Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed, award-winning political stand-up comedian and writer. His column has been published in the Hu mor Times for over 20 years. Go to willdurst.com to find about more.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Hostile Takeover Plans Calls for impeachment continue...

but cooler heads may prevail.

Repubs have refused to work with Obama...

or indulge his imperial fantasies.

It seems nothing the prez could do would ever please.

He abuses his position, unlike GOP presidents, they say...

and Republicans know their history.

August, 2014

Meanwhile, the party looks ahead to 2016.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Explosive Dialogue There seems to be no solution...

just a smoldering mess.

It’s a very old problem...

and the U.S. seems powerless to solve it.

All we can do is encourage dialogue...

and hope they work it out...

someday.

8

Meanwhile, the foreign policy nightmare continues.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

The Hightower Lowdown History Calling: Time to Re-Declare Our Independence Most of us celebrated July 4th by barbequing, doing a few 12-ounce elbow bends and setting off some fireworks. Some of us might have paused for a moment to reflect on that thing Jefferson wrote about 238 years ago: The Declaration of Independence.

“We the People” are faced – right now – with another of those “when in the course of human events” moments Jefferson wrote about. Not only is this a month to reconnect with our revolutionary heritage, but it’s also the appropriate time for re-declaring our independence, this time from “They the Corporations.”

With little coverage by the mass media, and with the complicity of most lawmakers, domineering corporations have quietly but aggressively used the high court itself to write them and their money into the Constitution as our sovereigns. As legal scholar and Democratic activist Jamie Raskin said in testimony to the U.S. Senate judiciary committee this June: “In several recent 5-4 decisions, the wall protecting democracy from plutocracy has been crumbling under judicial attack.”

Just one year after their Citizens United decision unleashed CEOs to be able to roll truckloads of their share holders’ funds into our

elections (without asking those shareholders for permission or even informing them after the fact), that five assaulted our democracy again.

Their 2011 verdict in the Arizona Free Enterprise Club case in creased the vol ume of CorporateSpeak in elections by decreasing the speech of non-rich candidates.

Specifically, they rejected the will and independence of Arizonans who had voted to provide public funds for candidates who are willing to forego all special-interest money. This system gave the political ideas of the non-wealthy a ch an ce t o b e he a rd w he n up a ga ins t super-wealthy oligarchs. Public financing of elections was successfully widening public debate and freeing up political speech, so the same five corporate supremists stepped in to kill it, absurdly declaring that such laws give an “unfair advantage” to little-guy campaigns.

Next came this year’s McCutcheon opinion, in which the same five blew the lid off the limits on money that an individual can pour on candidates during any given election cycle. The limit had been $123,000 – high enough that only about 600 people out of our 330 million reached that maximum in 2012. The Court’s narrow majority lifted the allowable total for one person’s election-year spending to a stunning $5.9 million. That empowers a handful of the richest of

rich donors – even fewer than 600 – to overwhelm the political voices of millions of common citizens, all in the name of free speech.

Add ing to this ab sur dity, this five-man wreck ing crew blithely de clares in its McCutcheon ruling that even transactions that appear to be obvious conflicts of interest are permissible (e.g., a CEO can give $25,000 to the head of a congressional committee – the same person who a week later can put a bill on the floor to benefit the CEO’s corporation). Such corrupt transactions apparently “do not justify” putting restrictions on campaign contributions.

Instead, the wily five ruled that the only donor-to-donee corruption that can be regulated is outright quid pro quo bribery.

And do not think that this is as far as the Court will go to empower Big Money. Already, corporate lawyers are asking the judiciary to strike down all limits on what each millionaire/billionaire can spend to elect or defeat any number of candidates, and they’re pushing to reverse 29 state bans on campaign donations during legislative sessions (when lawmakers and lob by ists are in heat and most open to exchanging favors for money).

The unstated (but now abundantly clear) goal of the five co-conspirators is nothing less than the establishment of a free-market plutocracy over what used to be America. Eaten up with Ayn Randian dogma, they are using their judi-

JIM HIGHTOWER

cial positions to commodify political participation, converting our elections (the ultimate public function) into just another private market for buying and selling.

Why not just authorize the commodity exchanges to post the daily selling prices of politicians alongside the growing rate for pork bellies and Texas crude? Or why not rule that Wall Street can peddle derivatives based on bulk packages of subprime officeholders. But let’s not give them ideas. With this Court’s corporate quintet on the loose, absolute absurdity is no longer unimaginable.

But we can stop them. We need to treat the “free” in free speech as a verb, not an adjective.

Let’s join together around a Constitutional amendment to free up the people’s rights from the corporate usurpers. Sixteen states and hundreds of cities, towns and municipalities have joined.

For more information on this new independence movement, visit: www.democracyisfor people.org.

Out of Control The CDC has one job...

but they blew it.

If they ever find the missing vial...

August, 2014

let’s just hope it’s not too late.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People Keeping and impressing your friends on Facebook is a real art: Here’s how to do it.

1. Send gaming invites every day. This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends. Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care.

2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that peo ple know you have n’t changed in the last hour.

3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow and cat posters. “Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it.”

4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow and cat posters.

6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out.

7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore. Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the curve.

8. Instead of “liking” things, always write the word “like” in the comment box, even when people post things like “My grandma died” or “I had the worst day of my life.” Don’t worry, people will understand because it’s your thing.

9. Tag all 500 of your friends in every post just in case they missed your update in the news feed.

10. Every few days, unfriend someone and then im me di ately ask them to be friends again. Do this a few times to see if they’re really your friend or not.

Re ported by Jeff Boldt, HT Se nior Facebook Posting Correspondent Ed Note: The most surefire way to impress your friends? Share this article on Facebook!

A Humor Times exclusive charter papers right there there in his vest In the fallout of the recent Supreme Court de- pocket, next to his God-fearing heart.” cision that allows Hobby Lobby to opt out of “So you believe strongly that contraceptives health coverage for its employees’ birth control, are wrong, Mr. Lobby?” I asked. some dare accuse this pi“Yes,” came the reply. ous company of hy poc“I do. I pray every night, risy. after the last one out locks The Court’s deci sion my doors, that my female says a cor po ra tion can employ ees will see the hold “sincere religious belight. They should only liefs” and can act on them. have sex to create more B u t M oth er J one s babies, to raise as workers broke the story months befor me, as God intended.” fore the decision was even Later, I spoke to comInterviewing a corporate “person.” handed down: Hobby pany CEO David Green, Lobby is heavily invested in the very birth con- who said, “The company and I didn’t know trol it refuses to give to its female employees. about the investments. Obviously, it was a trick Not only that, it buys most of what it sells of the devil. He hid that detail – you’ve heard from Chinese companies that force birth control that the devil’s in the details, right?” on their female employees. But that’s immateAsked whether the company would divest, rial, says Hobby Lobby, which, as a corporate now that Lucifer’s trickery had been exposed, “person,” can speak for itself.

Green answered, “Well, we’ll see. We already In a one-on-one interview with the corpora- won the case, so all the godless heathen who tion, this reporter asked about the apparent con- doubted us can go to hell, anyway.” tradictions.

“But one corporate person we work with “So what?” an swered Hobby Lobby. “I over there is a mother, who is about to give birth mean, big deal. Gee whiz,” it answered, appar- to a new company,” Green said. “She assured ently loathe to use any actual swear words. me she’s never used any corporate contracepI held the mic up closer to the corporate logo. tives, so the infant, newly incorporated, will be “I love God, and so does my CEO and founder, unblemished in the eyes of the Lord, and in the David Green. David brings me to church with eyes of His dedicated servant, the Supreme him every Sunday – he keeps my corporate Court. Hallelujah!”

American Tourist in Italy Excited to Visit ‘Sixteenth Chapel’ American tourist and college grad, Richard Head, recently decided it was time to get some culture in his life.

Or, in his words, “16th century porn.”

After learning about the paintings that ornamented the lavish walls of the Vatican’s famous “Sixteenth Chapel,” he logically assumed that this was how all Italians lived and dressed, and so, of course, he wanted to see it for himself.

However, he hesitated for a brief moment because he thought it a bit strange that so much nudity would be found in chapels of all places. But he didn’t hesitate for long because so much culture awaited.

Upon arriving in the Fiumicino airport, he hurriedly made his way through the tarmac and into the waiting area, fully expecting a cornucopia of lounging flesh similar to what one might find on Mount Olympus.

The disappointment on his face was evident.

However, he quickly recovered and encouraged himself with the knowledge that they prob-

Bill Hillmann, American bull runner and au- straight in the eye.” thor of Fiesta: How to Survive the Bulls of As runners dressed in white outfits and red Pamplona, was badly gored during Spain’s an- scarves dashed through the city’s narrow streets nual Pamplona bull running festival. pursued by raging beasts, Hillmann was being De spite fac ing a bull hoisted into the air, screamweighing more than 1,300 ing, “For the love of God, my lbs, or two average Amerigroin, my groin!” can teenagers, his injuries A friend of Hillmann’s, were described as “ironic but the man behind the best sellnot life-threatening.” ing How to Survive the ImThe in jury co mes just pending Apocalypse, Alex weeks after Hillmann’s book Finlay, said that he underwas published, some thing went surgery that evening. that the author proudly de- Bull running. Photo: the.joberg, flickr. Writing on his blog, Finlay scribed as “the ultimate guide to surviving” any said his friend seemed to be doing well. bovine-related scenario possible.

In an earlier comment made in June, Finlay Offering essential tips to bull runner enthusi- referred to the bull runner as “a brave man, a asts, Hillmann actively encourages readers to man with the biggest balls in the biz,” a com“twist the animal’s tail” and “to never show fear, ment he might very well regret making. never run, stand still and look that bastard

By John Glynn, Senior Bull Correspondent.

Tea Party Candidate: ‘Opponent Ate My Brain, Used It to Outsmart Me’

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Obama Makes America Forget Hobby Lobby on Birth Control Investments: ‘The Devil Made Me Do It’ About Missing Airplanes and

Critics Say Injured Bull Runner’s Book Full of Bull

Humor Times Special Report Tea Party candidate Timothy Ray Murray has changed his tune, and is now saying his Republi can chal lenger, Rep. Frank Lucas, is actually a zombie who ate his brain, and used it to outsmart him in the recent primary race.

Tea Party’s Murray: Pre vi ously, Murray Brainless comments. had charged that the “Frank Lucas” who beat him was just a body double, and that the real candidate was dead.

“I just said that because I knew people would

Headline News Section

think I was crazy if I told the truth,” said the Tea Party darling. “But I guess they did anyway.”

Asked if having his brain eaten also makes him a zombie, Murray seemed momentarily taken aback. “Hmm, I didn’t think of that,” he said. “But in my defense, it’s hard to think when you only have half a brain.”

“I was much smarter than him before all this, which is why I thought I’d make a better congressman,” Murray said. “Now I don’t know what I’ll do. Where would an ignorant bastard with half a brain be welcome?”

It was then that his impaired synapses fired once again: “Oh, come to think of it, I suppose the best place for me would still be Congress!”

ably wouldn’t want to freak people out too much right off the bat, so the airport couldn’t have been a good indicator of the rest of the country.

But, as he exited and made his way What number chapel is this? to the cabs, he began to wonder if he had made a huge mistake.

“Do you know where I can find the Sixteenth Chapel?” he queried one taxi driver. “And the other fifteen too if you have time.”

“Idiota Americano, si?” the driver asked in return.

“No, I don’t want a coffee. Take me to see the good stuff.”

“Per l’amor di Dio!” exclaimed the driver in frustration as he got in his taxi and drove away.

By Jeff Boldt, HT Senior Numbered Chapel Correspondent.

Kidnapped Nigerian Girls

Just a few weeks ago, news about missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 and schoolgirls kidnapped in Nigeria dominated the headlines.

How ever, Pres i dent Obama has used his anti-American powers to make America forget about what was the top news stories for weeks.

President Obama: In your mind.

“He’s definitely using some sort of mind control ray against the American people,” said independent political blogger Henry Hank in Mobile, Alabama.

“Just last week I was leading a search for that missing airplane in my holler, but then it was like…I forgot all about it. Something happening in Iraq distracted me, then something about Benghazi…it’s hard to explain,” Hank said. “It was like President Obama used some sort of weird anti-Christian death ray on my mind because he was all over the TV!” Hank wasn’t the only one who mysteriously forgot about current events.

Fem i nist and Jezebel.com in tern Ka ren Bloom led a petition for the United States to take action to find the missing Nigerian girls. “Finding those girls that were kidnapped in Nigeria made up most of my life at the time,” Bloom told this reporter. “I quit my job to help find those girls, and all of the sudden I’m drawn to the television by that…BLACK…man talking about the economy. All of the sudden I quit worrying about those poor girls because I ran out of money to buy food and pay the rent because I quit my job.

Thanks Obama!”

When asked if President Obama had some sort of mind control over the American people, Bloom added, “That’s silly. Although I do believe he’s the antichrist. He’s using his unholy powers to bring this country into Wormwood!”

Bloom said.

Calls to the Obama administration were not returned. However, this reporter got a sudden urge to write about how bad gluten is for you.

By Lee Mays, HT Senior Antichrist Correspondent.

George Will Assaulted by Feminist ‘Swat’ Team: Gains Status, Privilege Conservative columnist George Will was sexually assaulted by a six-woman squad of feminist “swat team avengers” as he left his Washington DC apartment Friday evening. The leather-jacketed so-called “gang of sex,” trained and financed by the National Organization for Women (NOW), apparently stalked Will for several days before waylaying him about 8 p.m. on his way to a Heritage Foundation dinner.

Earlier that day, Will doubled-down in a C-SPAN interview with Brian Lamb on his recent Wash ing ton Post claim that sex ual victimhood confers “privilege and status.” He repeatedly refused to apologize or retract, and authorities speculate that this may have provoked the women. Also galling was Will’s asser tion that nei ther un wanted touch ing, demeaning sexual remarks, nor indeed anything short of physical rape constitute sexual assault.

Asked about his own “gang rape” experience, George Will said that it been thrillingly nauseating and scary. “I can’t wait for my new privileges and statuses to start,” he said, noting that unfortunately actual rape had not occurred.

“Yeah, little Caesar here,” he nodded resentfully, “couldn’t veni, vidi, vici, if you catch my highly learned, intellectual drift.”

George Will quickly continued: “But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t molested, insulted and humiliated. Those chicks knew their business, alright. First they took me behind a smelly dumpster and said I was asking for it, the way I was dressed. Then they made repeated impotence jokes and said they bet I couldn’t even get it up. Well, like I said, we couldn’t, could we?”

HUMOR TIMES

He glanced down. “Et tu, Brute,” he muttered.

After the jokes, the Swat team pinched and prod ded t h e 73-year old sage for seve r a l minutes, t w e a ki ng hi s nipples and laughing each time he winced. The gang leader stood on a box and slowly read his rape column aloud.

“That was the hardest part,” Will said. “Finally, a couple of them stuck their tongues in my ears and ruffled my hair. Okay, so it’s a toupé, very funny. Then they unzipped me and made disparaging remarks about how small it was.

Normally I’m fine, it was just unusually cold that night. Really cold. They all laughed again and said I should be called George Won’t.”

I told George Will that he might not be eligible for any new statuses and privileges after all, since he had only been threatened, demeaned, humiliated, laughed at, disparaged and physically molested. He hadn’t actually been forced to have sex, and two of the girls were now saying it had been consensual.

“What? That’s outrageous,” Will shouted angrily. “I was violated! Who the hell says that doesn’t count?”

I showed him his Washington Post column.

“Oh,” he said. Reported by HT Senior Status & Privilege Correspondent, Michael Egan.

August, 2014

Bipartisan

Dems

The two party system has its drawbacks...

Obama knows how to deal with bad guys...

as Dems and Repubs can only agree to disagree.

including those in Congress.

They are both slaves to big money... but the Supreme Court said he’d gone too far.

and any solutions will have to be creative.

Meanwhile, Hillary says she can relate to the downtrodden.

August, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

13

Immigration The “nation of immigrants” is losing patience...

and some say the statue of liberty is out of date...

needing a makeover.

Certainly, we’re not very welcoming lately...

at least to certain immigrants.

It’s hard to understand why they send their children...

since they have no legal standing. (continued)

and how they would fit in...

14

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Some in Congress refuse to deal with the issue...

so there may be only one way to go.

and it’s bad all over.

The problem is obvious...

August, 2014

The desperation is palpable...

and it looks like things won’t change anytime soon...

as America closes shop.

Where did the problems begin?

HUMOR TIMES

15

Mission Re-Accomplished Instability is increasing...

but Dick Cheney is here to help.

Perhaps we could send him on a secret mission...

just don’t tell George.

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Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

16

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Economical

This is a Test

People complain vehemently about new taxes...

Facebook was caught experimenting on users...

but they could be the least of our worries. but most seemed unperturbed.

Welcome to the new normal...

The consequences could be far-reaching...

for man and machine.

as we boldly plunge ahead.

August, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2014

Come by before or after the game!

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