Humor Times, Sept 2014

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” – Plato Issue #273

September, 2014

The News, as Told in Editorial Cartoons Formerly the Comic Press News

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September, 2014

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” – Plato

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HUMOR TIMES

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

September, 2014

Editor’s Letter The events in Fergusen, Missouri, this past month shocked the nation. But if you were entirely surprised, you haven’t been paying attention. Either that, or your sources of news and information need to be updated.

Police forces in even small towns and cities across the nation have been getting free surplus military equipment since even before the events of 9/11/2001, although it has escalated since then.

As an August 13th article in Newsweek said: Faced with a bloated military and what it perceived as a worsening drug crisis, the 101st Congress in 1990 enacted the National Defense Authorization Act. Among other things, it allowed the Secretary of Defense to “transfer to Federal and State agencies personal property of the Department of Defense, including small arms and ammunition, that the Secretary determines is – (A) suitable for use by such agencies in counter-drug activities; and (B) excess to the needs of the Department of Defense.” (http://www.newsweek.com/how-americas-police-became-army-1033-program-264537) If the U.S. wanted its police to act like drug warriors, the reasoning went, it should equip them like warriors. And it has – with about $4.3 billion in equipment so far, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union (http://www.stripes.com/news/us/more-military-armored-surplus-going-to-police-departments-1.296565). However, by providing law enforcement with military equipment, the NDAA encourages police to employ military weapons and military tactics – exactly what we are seeing across the country.

The results are chilling, to put it mildly. If you’re on social media, you probably see a related news item nearly every day: A two year old child killed when an invading SWAT team, at the wrong address, threw a stun grenade into the baby’s crib. A 68 year old grandfather killed in another botched raid. 84-year-old Annie Rae Dixon, a bedridden paraplegic, was shot and killed after police officers from the nearby town of Kilgore broke into her Tyler, Texas home. They had the wrong address. Hundreds of such incidents are documented at http://www.cato.org/raidmap.

Often it happens that the victims had no idea it was the police barging in on them, and while trying to defend themselves, they are shot by nervous, hyped up officers. Such as when a SWAT team from Dinuba, California – a town with just 12 regular police officers and 15,000 people, which hadn't a single reported homicide in its history – shot and killed sixty-four-year-old farm worker Ramon Gallardo.

Police say Gallardo reached for a folding knife to defend himself, at which point they shot him twelve times.

"If a widespread pattern of [knock-and-announce] violations were shown ... there would be reason for grave concern," said Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, in Hudson v. Michigan, June 15, 2006. I’ve got news for you, Justice Kennedy, we’re there, and American citizens are gravely concerned.

All these tragedies, as well as many more to come, unfortunately, are the result of a militarized police force being trained to shoot first, ask questions later. Whatever happened to “protect and serve”?

As American citizens, we deserve to be treated with respect, not with unwarranted suspicion. At the very least, we should be considered innocent until proven guilty.

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 273, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

3

To Serve and Protect (Their Military Weapons Budget) Danger is everywhere...

and that includes heavily-armed roving gangs...

preying on citizens...

who need some protection.

To deny the racial aspect is to deny reality...

and common sense.

What has America come to?

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And where are we headed?

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

Nuclear Option

Love/Hate

If a Dem is in office, it’s time to impeach...

It’s an up and down relationship...

and that’s just what they’ll do … maybe. and each has a career to protect.

It’s all Obama’s fault, all the time...

But they’ve worked it out...

and he’ll have to pay.

and still respect each other in the morning.

September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

5

Don’t Do Stupid Stuff: Hugging It Out The meeting probably wasn’t as awkward as Cain attending Abel’s funeral. Closer to Anna Nicole walking past her husband’s family in court. Surely had a Billy Bob Thornton/Brad Pitt-drunk at a wedding reception feel.

Talking about the recent encounter between President Barack Obama and the woman rummaging through his closet, trying on his Chief Executive mom jeans, and not getting a lot of encouragement in return: Queen of the formers… Watergate lawyer, First Lady, Senator, Secretary Hillary Clinton.

The two of them ran into each other at a lawn party at a golf club on Martha’s Vineyard the other evening. And what could be more proletariat that that? Lawn party. Golf club. Martha’s Vineyard. Think we’ve triangulated the 1% Trifecta here. All you need is imported truffle canapés, some commemorative swizzle sticks and pastel sweaters tied loosely around necks and voila… a royal raspberry reduction.

The source of the ungainliness was Ms. Clinton herself, who, in an interview with The Atlantic, characterized our Syrian policy as a disaster. Then said, “‘Don’t do stupid stuff’ is not an organizing principle.” Obviously referring to some past politician whose name is synonymous with shrub but also throwing the current President’s equivocal quote under the same wheels of that big bad bus.

She ain’t alone. Most of America thinks Obama’s foreign policy is like Malaysian Air frequent flyer miles. Sure, they both exist on pa per, but no body’s re ally all that in ter ested in implementation. Anticipating the contretemps, her spokesperson said Hillary looked forward to “hugging it out” when she and POTUS met.

Yeah. Bet she did. Like an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen. Can’t you picture that embrace. Fade in: First Family seated.

Hillbilly walking. Visual contact. Slight stutter step. Bill grins,

shouts and waves. Hillary, Michelle and Barack summon courage from unfathomable depths to plaster on phony smiles. Everybody’s interior dialogue channeling Hamlet: “To hug or not to hug.”

Barack rises and in a stab at humor, throws his arms about an inch apart as if welcoming a cuddle. She laughs so coldly ice cubes crack, and bending at the waist touches her right shoulder to his right shoulder as they pat each other on the back. Once. The Presbyterian hug. As graceful as tumbling dumpsters. Fade out on the sound of more ice cracking.

As the past and the future of the Democratic Party, Barack and Hillary are eternally entwined. It’s like one of those relationships you see in Manhattan and San Francisco these days. Where neither person can afford to move out because both incomes are necessary to cover the rent. Velvet handcuffs.

The problem is, they’re the same person. Opposite spectrums: black-white-male-female. But the same ultimate political animal.

Concussions are common when the smartest person in the room is forced to interact with the other smartest person in the room. Both dimly aware that throwing Bill & Michelle into the equation means one of them may actually be the 4th smartest person in the room.

She needs him to seamlessly insert her into his frictionless fundraising machine and he needs her to guarantee his legacy is not wiped out in a torrential Tea Party tsunami. The grudging mutual respect of the cobra and the mongoose. Strange Bedfellows indeed. Who needs a hug? Craaaaack.

The Slacker Congress More fun than fourteen barrels of flunkies watching our elected officials exit Washington like scared rats streaming out of

WILL DURST

a sewer to escape Godzilla. And really, who can blame them?

Anybody who’s ever spent a summer in DC can tell you the climate is real similar to Hell. With humidity. Then again, not sure even Hell has winged insects the size of footstools. It’s not called Foggy Bottom because that’s the first thing that springs to mind when Diane Feinstein walks away, you know.

Funny thing is, this is the same Congress that lies on the verge of breaking all previous records for complete and utter futility.

The Zero Zip Zilch Crew. Who have ridden lethargy into the ground and taken loitering to bold new heights. Or is it depths?

Folks who would need hydraulic mechanical assists to raise their attitudes from stuporous to torpid. From the lair of the drugged slugs. Debi Does Drowsy.

In essence, they’re taking a vacation from nothing. Which is a lot like waking up to take a nap. Topping breakfast off with a sleeping pill. Floating off to a loafing, lay-about layoff. Playing hide and seek with the mirror. And losing.

The 113th Congress is destined to go down in history as the most Do-Nothingest Congress of all time. Accomplishing less than all the other Do-Nothing Congresses combined. Which is saying something, because there were plenty.

“Proud to Put the Nothing in the Do-Nothing Congress.” Enshrined as the undisputed heavyweight champion of Indolence.

The Friends of Inertia. Slouching towards SlouchVille. The Slacker Congress.

What we the public fail to understand is that nothing can be downright tiring. Yes, there’s the failure to pass a highway bill or any hint of immigration reform, but let’s focus on the positive.

During the past 19 months, the Re pub li can-con trolled House has shut down the government and voted to defund or repeal Obama Care about a gazillion times and don’t forget the 2 dozen or so Benghazi hearings.

They have definitely earned that ap proval rat ing lower than thumbtacks in your underwear while riding a motorcycle. Over railroad tracks.

And now these hordes of professional indolents have slipped the surly bonds of sloth and been released into their home districts to freely roam amongst we innocents as a 5 week recess begins.

One question: how do you relax after suffering through the arduous routine of nothing? Slip into a coma? Binge watch The Leftovers? Will sunstroke play an integral part? And not just any vacation: a five- week paid vacation. Who told our esteemed representatives we were Europe?

The odd part is… they have to. It’s the law. The Legislative Reorganization Act of 1970 requires Congress to take off the entire month of August. Not sure, but perhaps it was in response to members of Congress wandering aimlessly en masse in our nation’s capital during peak tourist season; frightening small children and prompt ing plain tive cries from local merchants.

All we can do is hope our pooped populist politicos finally get some quality downtime, in order to come back tan and rested and ready for the tough task of remaining inactive and unable to pass any sort of worthwhile legislation when they return after Labor Day. Pretty obvious, that holiday sure weren’t named after these guys.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about the new documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to personal appearances including his acclaimed one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.” See more of his work at www.humortimes.com.

“The Humor Times is the best time you can have with your clothes on… But it’s just as funny nude.” – Will Durst

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

Obamacare

Ebola

Conflicting prescriptions threaten health care...

Fears are growing...

and it’s not a healthy situation. bordering on paranoia.

It’s a frightening flare-up...

Our national mental health faces threats as well...

but, never fear, the CDC is here.

and refusing to face facts doesn’t help, either.

September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

7

Doing Nothing is Hard

Recovering from Recovery The storm is not over...

Congress is finally taking action...

and the gov’t is busy helping others...

and promising to come back refreshed.

Some say we should invade and rebuild...

So they can take up where they left off...

earning your respect.

8

but we’re too hard-headed for that.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

The Hightower Lowdown Far from a Loser, the Post Office Is a Money-Making Operation One public service that people really like and count on is the post office — which literally delivers for us.

Anti-government ideologues and privatization dogmatists, however, hate the very word “public,” and they’ve long sought to demonize the U.S. Postal Service, undercut its popular support and, finally, dismantle it. Their main line of attack has been to depict it as a bloated, inefficient, outmoded agency that’s a hopeless money loser, sucking billions from taxpayers.

Never mind that USPS doesn’t take a dime of tax money to fund its operation — it’s actually a congressionally chartered, for-profit corporation that earns its revenue by selling stamps and providing services to customers. And here’s something that will come as a surprise to most people: The post office makes a profit — expected to be more than a billion dollars this year.

Yet, the media keeps reporting that the post office is losing billions of dollars each year.

What they fail to mention is that those are phony paper losses manufactured by Congress at the behest of corporate privatizers.

Late in 2006, the lame duck Republican Congress rammed into law a cockamamie requirement that the Postal Service must pre-fund the retiree health benefits of everyone it employs or expects to employ for the next 75 years. Hello?

That includes workers who’re not even born yet!

No other business in America is required to pre-fund such benefits for even one year. To add to Congress’ cockamamie-ness, the post office is being forced to put up all of that money within just 10 years — which has been costing USPS more than $5 billion a year. That artificial burden accounts for 100 percent of the so-called “losses” the media keep reporting.

It’s like tying an anvil around someone’s neck, throwing the person out of a boat, and saying, “Swim to shore, sucker.”

As if that’s not enough of a weight to carry, the men and women who actually do the work and make service more than just a word in the U.S. Postal Service’s name have had another unfair burden hung around their necks: A Postmaster Gen eral who has thrown-in with the privatizers. As PMG, Pat Donahoe is the titular

head of this proud group of postal workers, letter carriers, mail handlers and rural letter carriers.

They take pride in moving our mail to us wherever we are — from inner cities all the way to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, where a Native American Tribe lives.

But Donahoe is not making the workforce proud, for he abandoned them, their millions of customers, and USPS’s historic dedication to service. HE is deliberately monkey-wrenching out service — including slowing delivery, reducing staff and hours of service, closing neighborhood and historic post offices, shutting down processing centers, constantly pressing Congress to end Saturday delivery, badmouthing his o w n a ge n c y ’s p e r f o r m a n c e , st e a d i l y corporatizing public functions and transforming decent, union-scale jobs into the low-wage retail economy.

One gross and por ten tous ex am ple of Donahoe’s determination to bust the wages and undermine the performance of USPS is the sweetheart privatization scam he’s set up with Staples. He’s letting this big-box retailer place official post office kiosks in its 1,500 stores — only they’re not staffed by highly trained, publically accountable postal workers, but by Staple’s own poverty-wage, high-turnover floor staff. In at least one case, Donahoe even cut the hours of service at post offices around a Staples store in San Francisco, and then put a sign di-

JIM HIGHTOWER

recting postal customers to the Staples outlet.

Rather than being dedicated to customer service and the pub lic in ter est, the pri vate “post officettes’” priority is to serve Staples’ profit interests.

Mark Dimondstein — the new, feisty president of the American Postal Workers Union — calls Donahoe “Wall Street’s Trojan Horse, the privatizer from within.” But says Dimondstein, “We intend to stop him.” His union has launched a Dump Donahoe campaign as well as a national boycott of Staples stores. For information and support, go to apwu.org.

“They (who) seek to establish systems of government based on the regimentation of all human beings by a handful of individual rulers ... call this a new order. It is not new and it is not order.”

– Franklin D. Roosevelt

Tears for a Clown

September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

The Dear Leader’s Great Appetite North Korea, a mythically bizarre land where almost nothing is known about the people or, more importantly, the regime run by the Rosie O’Donnell-styled leader, Kim Jong-un. There is, however, one man — a modest sushi chef — who penetrated the inner chamber, becoming the Dear Leader’s cook and servant for one year. What is life like serving chubby Kim?

According to Kenji Fujimoto, it’s a weird and perilous gig, where Prince blasts from the speakers, the girls are all virgins, and Dennis Rodman roams around in a bathrobe.

When he wasn’t in the kitchen, Kenji Fujimoto, a Japanese cook, said he was allowed to ride the white stal lions, go paint-balling with Kim, and look on as, one by one, the leader shot the other paintball participants with a real gun.

“He saved me, why? Because I am an excellent chef,” declared Fujimoto, obviously grateful to have survived that unforgettable Sunday afternoon.

“It was my job to ensure the Dear Leader ate the finest food imaginable. He once flew me to France just to pick up a baguette.

It was stale by the time I got back, but the guy is a pig, he will eat anything,” he said.

And when Kim craved KFC, it was Fujimoto who flew to Beijing for a bucket of chicken to go.

When he finally managed to escape, Fujimoto became one of the world’s most discussed individuals.

How did he escape? You might assume it is a tale that involves blood, sweat and a lot of danger.

With a laugh and a shrug of the shoulders, however, Kenji says, “He sent me on a trip to Tokyo to pick up some sushi. Once I got off the plane, well, I just ran away. It was quite easy. My home is only ten minutes from the airport.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Proposed Franken-Stein Amendment Takes on GMOs Senators on the new GMO Franken-Stein bill: “It’s alive!”

GMO labeling has gotten a lot of press lately.

The biggest news on this front last year was the vote of Sen. Al Franken (D-MN), aga inst a n Amendment to the Farm Bill introduced by Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), which would take the task of GMO labeling away from the federal government and put it directly in the hands of the individual states.

It’s widely believed that his vote was a result of the fear that big money that will be used against him in this election year.

Sen. Joshua “Josh” Stein (D-NC), however, has lit a fire under Sen. Franken, promising to work feverishly with him to create the most perfect specimen of an Amendment the nation has ever seen. His vision is to make sure that GMO labeling will eventually be the law in every state , including science-denying states like Minnesota and North Carolina, before 2020.

“Like every scientific experiment,” said Stein, “GMOs were given the green light before the consequences of tinkering with nature were fully realized. Now that we have had time to thor oughly read the very large 10-page report on their impact, we realize that what could be unleashed on our society could potentially provide alternatives to me d i c a l a bo r t ions, something the religious right would undeniably blame on Pres i dent Obama. We must stop this abomination now!”

“My colleague, Mr. Franken, was hasty in his assessment of the situation, but I have met with him several times, and fortunately, those meetings have resulted in the Franken-Stein Amendment to the Sanders Amendment to the Farm Bill. It’s Alive!” Stein said jokingly.

By Humor Times Senior Franken-Food correspondents, P. Beckert and Mike Kelly.

Bristol Palin to Launch Online Unwed Teen Mom Channel Many have heard about into ma k ing p oo r l i f e Sarah Palin announcing the choices such as not using launch of her own online protection,” Palin told the news channel. The channel Humor Times. will be $9.95 a month and is “There’s a stigma these free to active duty U.S. soldays to ward un wed teen diers. moms,” Palin added. “Just However, less known is 50 years ago it was the th at fo l low i ng in he r norm for a teenage girl to mother’s footsteps is Bristol get pregnant, yet our sociPalin, who is launching an ety deems it unacceptable on line un wed teen mom today. Thank God that TV Bristol Palin, Unwed Teen Mom. channel. The channel will shows like Teen Mom are will be free to all unwed teen moms who got beginning to tear down that stigma and are pregnant before turning 18, had to drop out of showing America the struggle teen moms go school, and have to rely on government assis- through,” Palin said. tance as their sole source of income.

As of this writing, there has yet to be a launch “My channel will focus on support groups date for Bristol Palin’s new channel. However, that will aid unwed teenage mothers,” Bristol Palin is in negotiations with SSI, the Women InPalin said. fants and Children Program (WIC) and other “Our groups don’t blame the teenage mother government agencies to help fund the channel. for their pregnancy, we focus the blame on the Reported by HT Senior Shotgun Wedding father, who obviously seduced the teen mom Correspondent Lee Mays.

John Boehner to Sue Every Living American Boehner: “It’s time for Americans to pay up!”

The House voted Wednesday to authorize John Boehner to sue President Obama on a complaint that he had overstepped his legal authority.

However, Boehner also vowed to sue every living American.

“A great man once said, ‘Freedom isn’t f r e e , ’ ” Boehner said.

“It’s time for Amer i cans to pay up!”

J o h n BoehnerOf course, Americans fought for Boehner: “Pay up, America!” and won freedom in 1776. However, Boehner feels that modern Americans are lazy, and haven’t earned the right to be free.

“Sure, many Americans have died fighting for our country. But the question remains, how can the House benefit from freedom already earned? Our friends at Bank of America suggested we charge ‘interest’ for freedom that Americans have put into living in this great country of mine,” Boehner told the Humor Times.

Boehner feels that many Americans, including GOP supporters, will be against charging “interest” for freedom that’s been a right to all Americans since the Declaration of Independence. That’s why Boehner will overstep that fact and will go right in litigation.

“The way my attorneys did the math, each American will owe me $10.00, which will come out of their earnings as a one time fee,” he stated.

When told by this writer that it sounds A LOT like an additional tax, Boehner laughed and said, “Taxes are what Americans pay to politicians for things like suing the leader of the free world and to pay my salary. But I don’t make enough money to bring a lawsuit of this magnitude on my own.”

“I may need a Kickstarter to help me out,” Boehner added.

There isn’t a timetable for John Boehner’s lawsuit against every living American. If a court doesn’t hear the lawsuit, Boehner is prepared to take the case to a daytime TV judge show.

Reported by HT Senior Sue-Me, Sue-You Blues Correspondent, Lee Mays.

Problems in the Bedroom? Try Microsoft Sexcel

Laxative and Lethal Injections: USA’s Very Messy Mess

According to Rob Brady, or “Flop” Brady, as his wife cruelly labeled him, the best way to solve problems in the bedroom and improve intimacy involves creating a spreadsheet and list ing all the times you were rejected and, when fin ished, forwarding it on to your wife.

In an interview with Dr.Oz, Rob spoke about how he set up a four-columned spreadsheet of all the times he initiated sex with his wife over the course of two months. In the first column ‘Flop’ recorded the date; in column B he listed the reply (yes or no); in column C, the excuse (‘sexcuse’) used by his wife; while D listed his unhappiness level on a scale of 1-10.

Receiving the spreadsheet on her way to

U.S. 9th Circuit Court Chief Judge Alan Kontreverski, in an interview recently, said that a firing squad could be the “messy and exciting” alternative that the US is “crying out for.”

The current method of lethal in jection has angered people across the nation, especially as the last needle used for the process was accidentally filled with liquidized lax a tive in stead of s o dium thiope nta l, the deadly substance regularly used.

Kontreverski’s declaration came in response to the botched lethal injection execution of 58-year-old George Jefferson in Arizona which took almost twenty-two hours. Jefferson was injected with what his lawyers termed as “the most lethal laxative imaginable,” and a witness

work, Helen, Rob’s wife, decided to forward it on to Dr. Oz’s TV execs, a decision the saw the Sexcel sheet promptly published.

After defending his actions during the interview, Rob looked to his wife for support, however, she just roared, “We’ve been married for twenty-three years, I haven’t climaxed once.

The last time I got truly aroused was watching Dominic West on The Wire, then the show ended, and I have felt numb ever since.”

Responses to Helen’s decision to involve such a powerful celebrity were mixed. Oprah, a long-term friend of the smug-faced Oz, said, “If someone had constructed a spreadsheet of reasons why I wouldn’t have sex with them, I would introduce their meat and two veggies to my cheese grater.”

When asked if that was sexual innuendo, Oprah replied, “No, an actual cheese grater.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Forget Facebook, Think Faithbook Undoubtedly, Facebook has been the top tool for social networking up to now, but a new and arguably more innovative social networking alternative has emerged, courtesy of the Vatican.

If you’re looking for a faith-based alternative, why not try Faithbook?

The brainchild of Pope Francis has received widespread acclaim for its fresh take on the world of virtual communications. With a location-based feature, Faithbook allows busy modern-day Catholics to “check in” on services using their phone or mobile devices, even if they can’t make it to church that day. You can take a “virtual” communion (app shows a wafer being placed on your virtual tongue), text your

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confession, and even connect with other worshipers, sharing information about the quality of the hymns and sermon.

If you’re in an unknown area, the God-endorsed site allows you to search for areas best avoided, like where homosexuals and people of other religions frequent.

“Faithbook is a good example of an alternative social network that focuses on the two key areas of Catholicism: predictability and absurdity,” says Donny Osmond, the site’s celebrity CEO. “After Argentina let him down in the World Cup final, Francis needed something to distract him, so he gave me a call and asked if I was interested in the idea. He lost a lot of money

on that game, you know.”

Pos sess ing quirky alternatives to Facebook, such as clickUsers log on with Jesus. ing on a halo to “like” something, Faithbook also offers a “dislike” option: pair of Satan horns.

When asked about the shameless “Reach out and touch faith” slogan, Osmond replied, “What can I say, Francis loves Depeche Mode.”

Reported by HT Senior Holier-than-Thou correspondent, John Glynn

HUMOR TIMES

said Jefferson looked like a “man shitting himself like it was an Olympic event.”

“Jefferson ended up dying from severe dehydration — he literally got the shit knocked out of him. Lethal injections are an imprudent effort to mask the cruelty of executions by making them look tranquil and beau ti ful, but there’s nothing serene about watching a grown man soil himself vi g or ousl y,” st at ed Kontreverski, fist pounding down on his desk.

“If you cannot tolerate the splatter from an execution carried out by a firing squad, then you should move to the Netherlands, there’s no crime there. Those guys are too busy getting stoned and riding bicycles.”

There is a shortage of the key drug sodium thiopental, so numerous states are turning to uncertain, malicious and atrocious methods of killing their prisoners — like using experimental formulas containing contaminated McDonald’s meat and Red Bull — without telling the prisoner what’s in it. More disturbingly, many of the people administering these lethal injections aren’t even trained in the field of medicine.

“Last week a male masseuse delivered a lethal injection in Texas,” said Kontreverski.

Leaving many scratching their heads, Mr. Kontreverski finished by saying, “If shooting doesn’t float your boat, I personally think we should go back to the good old days of the guillotine, Game of Thrones has made it fashionable again.”

Reported by Senior Stool Correspondent, John Glynn.

September, 2014

Cold War Redux

Cruel and Unusual

Russia is playing hardball...

Lethal execution cocktails are no longer available...

and coming up with new ones is do or die.

and the E.U. won’t stand for it.

But countries aren’t all Russia is capturing...

It’s a real inconvenience...

and it’s getting worse. so creative solutions must be found.

September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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No Love Lost In an ancient feud full of barbarous behavior...

the hatred leads nowhere.

with nowhere to go.

Palestinians are trapped...

Israel says they’re working in good faith...

towards a solution everyone should be happy with.

vowing to keep up the good fight. (continued)

Bibi blames the citizens of Gaza...

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

The continuing destruction makes healing impossible...

but prospects for peace are not good...

All he can do is keep trying...

as communication has broken down.

It will take undying persistence.

for nearly everyone involved.

Yes, it’s bad news all over...

September, 2014

but Sec. of State Kerry hopes for the best.

HUMOR TIMES

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Mission Un-Accomplished The more things change...

the more they stay the same.

The mission...

may never be accomplished.

Iraqis have a new boss, just like the old boss...

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and the U.S. has a new quagmire.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

Immigration Enjoy

Some see the promised land, some see dollar signs...

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and some see nothing but politics.

448-0892

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4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks

Welcome to the

Coffee Garden 3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!

3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

It’s a super paranoia...

and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

that drives some to call for isolation.

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES! September, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2014

“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst

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