Humor Times, Nov. 2014

“There must be continual additions to our great experiment of how much liberty society will bear.” – Walt Whitman Issue #275

November, 2014

“World’s Funniest News Source” Formerly the Comic Press News

(About half th a subscrip at with tion)

®

23+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire, from the finest cartoonists and writers! Subscriptions make great gifts!

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

2

HUMOR TIMES

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

November, 2014

Editor’s Letter Fear sells. It gets big ratings on TV, and can even get candidates elected.

So it’s no surprise that ISIS and Ebola fears are being stoked to the hilt. After all, they are easy subjects for racheting up the paranoia.

With ISIS, you’ve got a terrorist group rivaling and surpassing al-Qaeda, the former fear king, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, beheading, raping and marching their way through Syria, Iraq and Turkey. And they’ve got artillery! Mortars, anti-tank rockets, Humvees and armored troop carriers, machine guns and rifles and even Syrian warplanes. Of course, much of their arms are U.S.-made, given up to them by the retreating Iraq “army” that we had just spent years and billions of dollars “training.”

How did that work out for ya, America?

Then, you’ve got Ebola, a terrifying sickness that rots the flesh. How easy is that to use to whip up fear? All you need is a television network or two that eschews facts (which get in the way of their carefully programmed hype), and maybe a few newspapers and radio networks that are equally lax with the truth, and voilà! Paranoia!

The truth, of course, is that there is an ocean and a few countries between us and ISIS, and no, they are not invading from Mexico. And Ebola, while scary to think about, to be sure, does not spread easily. You actually have to have direct contact with someone’s bodily fluids to get infected, it is not airborne, and cannot spread through water or food.

According to the CDC (www.cdc.gov/vhf/ebola/transmission/index.html): “Ebola is spread through direct contact (through broken skin or mucous membranes in, for example, the eyes, nose, or mouth) with blood or body fluids (including but not limited to urine, saliva, sweat, feces, vomit, breast milk, and semen) of a person who is sick with Ebola.”

Still, some folks seem to really love being scared by fictitious threats, and for those people, I recommend tuning into Fox “News” or listening to Rush Limbaugh. However, for healthier, more realistic things to fear, enjoy the Halloween spooks and goblins!

– James Israel Editor P.S. The holiday season is almost upon us. This year, don’t give the same old tired gifts. Give something that lasts all year, something that makes ’em laugh: A subscription to the Humor Times monthly magazine! Available worldwide, in print or digital formats. Your friends, family and coworkers will love you for it. And so will we! Use the form below, or go to www.humortimes.com. Thank you!

Thank You for a Great 2014 Rafting Season!

Group Rates Available for 2015 Special Rates for Klamath River Groups

Call or visit our store: raftwet-store.com 1.888.723.8938 Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet

E R R I V

P S T R I

This Year, Give the Gift of Political Humor – It Lasts All Year!

Humor Times Subscriptions will be appreciated by graduates, family, friends and co-workers!

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 275, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: James LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2014. No part may be reproduced without permission.

WEBSITE

Creation, Upgrades • Responsive • Get Noticed!

Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination create on from scratch? Or have one, but the time spent maintaining it is taking away from other responsibilities? We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how inexpensively we can design a simple, yet quality website for you. We can work with you no matter where you live. You can trust the competent folks here at the Humor Times!

Humor Times Website Production info@humortimes.com • 916-455-1217 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

OMNETWORKS

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $48.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $37.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $72.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $5.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

A Complete Internet Solution

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

November, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

3

Plague of Fear Americans are very health conscious...

and concerned about fast-spreading dis-ease.

They are worried about a national invasion...

that could completely take over.

Paranoia strikes deep...

even infecting politicians...

4

and it can spread faster than ever these days...

who, in turn, infect the population. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

Officials are working hard to reassure the public...

and doctors are working overtime.

The dis-ease is spreading everywhere...

and politicians know they need a plan.

News channels continue to do their thing...

inspiring precautionary measures.

Meanwhile, research continues...

November, 2014

in an effort to save the world.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Scary Masks Hey everybody. The Midterms Are Coming! Or rather: the mid term s a re c o m i ng . To b e m o s t p re ci se ; themidtermsarecoming. Because the general response of the vast majority of Americans who aren’t stifling yawns is “yeah, whatever. Isn’t there a baseball game on?”

The suspense is … non-existent. Passion is totally absent.

Color the gusto gone. Even Fox News seems disinterested. The midterm elections may be less than a month away but to call the anticipation underwhelming is to engage in the height of hyperbole. Like referring to the number of living dinosaurs roaming the streets of San Fran cisco as less than plenty. Yours truly, notwithstanding.

The country is abuzz with the same kind of anticipation normally reserved for marathon sock sorting. Using a broom to sweep cobwebs out of closet corners. Cleaning mud from the tread of your boots with a stick. Mud being a euphemism for stuff deposited by dogs that resembles wet dirt while maintaining a much higher olfactory component. Think: compostable.

Midterm elections have always been the runt of the balloting litter. Not the letter-jacket-wearing, honor-roll listed, Presidential quadrennial brother that all the boys emulate and all the girls want to go to the prom with. When the light is right, his teeth actually sparkle.

More like the wearing all black, hanging out behind the football field scoreboard, smells like smoke, little brother that the school nurse suspects is bi-polar but won’t say anything because Mom looks that close to a nervous breakdown. Constantly followed by that geeky girl in braces who writes poetry in a rubber-banded notebook that nobody reads.

The turnouts in 2006 and 2010 were minuscule but this year’s forecasts are putting the Pea You in puny. Borne out by Pew Re-

search research, which says 15 percent of potential voters are following the election closely. Which could mean 15 percent of us are related to a politician. You can cut the apathy with a soggy bar coaster.

Multi ple rea sons are cited for such gloomy pros pects.

Obamacare seems to be working. It’s hard to tell one middle aged white guy from the other. And not even the terrifying prognostications of Mitch McConnell and Harry Reid can compete with Ebola and ISIS. The midterm elections situation looms especially dire for the Democrats who have two major problems. An even lower score on the fervor scale. Compared to them, Republicans look downright English soccer fanny.

Then there’s the President of the United States, whose coattails have frayed all the way up to his sleeves. If Barack Obama were up for election, the only votes he could count on would be Michelle, Malia and Sasha. And rumor has it not even Malia is a dead solid lock.

It’s gotten to where candidates from his own party are offering to arrange photo-ops of him hugging their opponents. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear savvy managers dig into campaign coffers to gift the President with rounds of golf on Martha’s Vineyard during October.

If this bout of electoral lethargy continues we might be forced to merge the midterms with Halloween. Why not? Same week.

Besides, they have a lot in common. Both events highlight tricks and treats. Everyone wears costumes to disguise their true identity. All the real action occurs in the dark. John Boehner looks like a pumpkin. And not infrequently, the face under the mask is the scary one.

WILL DURST

Daesh Bags Downright exciting to see President Barack Obama give that fierce and steadfast speech in front of the United Nations General Assembly, rallying the world against terrorism. See, GOP. He can be tough when the situation calls for it. Matter of fact, he’s probably the most belligerent of all the Nobel Peace Prize Winners.

Ever. Finally nailed what America secretly wants — a swaggering pacifist. Love the humanitarian airstrikes.

The best part was getting to see the Great Facilitator actually facilitate. After almost 6 years in White House, got to feel good to stretch your legs like that. Suck sand Mitch McConnell. Obama was always more suited to the position of President of the World.

Could very well finish up his career as a Jimmy Carter sort of free-range ambassador. Now with only half the self-righteous martyrism.

One minor quibble. His obstinate insistence on calling the band of roving terrorists: ISIL. From their chaotic beginning, we, the public, were told they answered to… the Islamic State of Syria or ISIS. But recently, a plethora of confusing monikers have popped up: ISIS, ISIL, the Islamic State and the League of Extraordinarily Cretinous Toad Buttwipe Lizardsticks. Don’t know where that last one came from. Oh, wait a minute; that was mine.

The religious pirates’ self-professed choice is IS, or the Islamic State, which seems the absolute worst option since they are neither very Islamic nor a state. Outside of that — perfect handle.

A group of UK Muslims has asked the British government to call the m a r aud i ng as sas si ns, t he UnIslamic State, and Secretary of State John Kerry regularly refers to them as “the enemy of Islam” but that appellation is as likely to catch on as call ing tele vi sion, “the enemy of literature.”

Laurent Fabius, the French Foreign Minister, calls them “Daesh,” which is an ana gram of their Arabic name. He goes so far as to call them “the Daesh cutthroats,” which the executioning organization has complained is disrespectful. Seriously? How can you whine that what you do is disrespectful?

Isn’t that your problem?

Ain’t that always the way. Murderers who go out of their way to televise beheadings so they can become famous for cutting throats suddenly hate being called cutthroats. Well maybe you should have thought of that before getting kicked out of Al Qaeda for being too radical. And hey, American Intelligence Community, shouldn’t that have been clue one?

Their brutality is obviously intended to instill fear, so the best way to respond is to laugh at their ridiculous primitivism. The way Daesh is pronounced (Di-esh) is faintly reminiscent of “douche” so perhaps it would be fitting to call these butchers the Daesh Bags.

Then their looting and pillaging and slaughtering would be known as extreme Daesh Baggery.

And since they claim to be exponential factor fundamentalists, an even better way to irritate them would be to hang them with a sobriquet that has a pork component.

The Slaughtering Sausage Heads or the Awful Offals. Bacon Bandit Boobies. Pigs in a Blanket. The Killer Swine.

Still prefer the League of Extraor di narily Cre tin ous Toad Buttwipe Lizardsticks, but realistically, that’s probably not going to catch on either. Too hard to fit in a head line. Could shorten it as LECTBL, pronounced “Lectbull.”

But you’re right. Still needs work.

Will get right on that.

Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com for more about the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to per sonal appearances such as his hit one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

6

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

White House Down For Obama, domestic issues are worsening...

adding fuel to the fire.

It’s affecting his work...

and making him nervous.

The consequences could be far-reaching...

so security is being beefed up.

The Secret Service doesn’t know how it happened...

November, 2014

but they will have to answer some tough questions.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Perpetual War, Inc. The debate on handling ISIS rages on...

and most agree something must be done.

The prez has promised to keep our troops out of it...

Sometimes you miss your old enemies...

because new friends are even scarier.

We’ve become a one-trick pony...

8

but no one believes him.

but at least we have allies.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

The Hightower Lowdown Nothing to Fear but the Fearmongers Themselves One thing you can say about Rick Perry is that he sticks to his guns. If one of his policy proposals turns out to be dumb, by gollies, he will double down on dumb.

For example, in his current re-run for the GOP presidential nomination, the “Oops” governor has repositioned himself as an expert on border security. As such, he milked a lot of political PR out of this summer’s surge of migrant children crossing our southern border illegally.

Never mind that they were desperate to escape the abject poverty, rapes, murders and gang cultures that confronted them every day in their Central American homelands, Perry used their plight as a chance to foment fear and pose as a superhero “seal the border” candidate.

Perry was on Fox News howling for federal troops, declaring that, “This is a natural disaster,” and putting himself in front of the tea party fear brigade that was screeching about Ebola virus and the other pandemic diseases these wretched urchins might bring in.

But, darn it, the surge of young migrants was coming to an end … and so was Perry’s dumb rationale for slamming and locking our nation’s southwest door. No problem for Rick, though — he simply reached for dumber. Instead of chil-

dren, his latest bugaboo is — believe it or not — Islamic terrorists.

In August, Perry warned that murderous militants from the ISIS “could be” penetrating into the U.S. from Mexico. Could be? Well, he conceded, there’s “no clear evidence” of it — but BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID! The “expert” said that people “from countries with terrorist ties” are crossing into our country. Really?

Yes, he said, citing “three individuals from Ukraine” who were caught. Uh, Rick …

Ukraine is not a country “with terrorist ties.”

Never mind the facts; he went on to scold Obama for failure to put more border agents in place and use unmanned drones to bolster security there. Apparently no one told the newly minted border expert that Obama proposed those same measures last year, but Perry’s fellow Republicans killed the bill.

Perry is scary. And what’s worse, he thinks he is presidential material. But he is not the only bonehead on the loose, regurgitating their own paranoia and propaganda to advance their doleful agenda of fear.

Take Duncan Hunter … please! This self-promoting bozo of a Congress critter constantly goes off louder than a car alarm on the

fritz, honk ing and squeal ing about some bugaboo he’s dreamed up. In a recent Fox News episode, the far-right California congressman was in full-panic mode, wailing that Islamic State terrorists were entering our country from Mexico, “ISIS is coming across the Southern border,” he panted. “I know that at least 10 ISIS fighters have been caught coming across the Mexican border in Texas,” he breathlessly asserted, adding sternly that while the 10 got caught, “you know there’s going to be dozens more that did not get caught.”

Re ally? How does he know that? Mr. Fearmongerer won’t say, refusing to reveal his “sources.” Mean while, the De part ment of Homeland Security calls his claim of an ISIS intrusion from Mexico “Categorically false … not supported by any credible intelligence or the facts on the ground.”

Of course, facts are not a shield against right-wing delusions, and Hunter is not about to believe anything said by Homeland officials working in the administration of the man he considers Satan incarnate, Barack Obama. But — oopsy-daisy — the Republican-led Department of Public Safety in Texas also looked into his foam-at-the-mouth warnings, reporting in an email to state legislators that “DPS does not have any information to confirm (Hunter’s) specific statements.”

It’s embarrassing to learn that boneheads like

JIM HIGHTOWER

this are actually taking up space in the United States Congress. No wonder they never get anything done. Duncan shouldn’t be in Congress — he ought to be sitting in a dunking booth at a state fair. Next the Perry-Duncan team will warn us that Ebola-infected Islamic terrorists are sneaking across the border carrying Weapons of Mass Destruction!

“The price of liberty is something more than eternal vigilance. There must also be eternal advance. We can save the rights we have inherited from our fathers only by winning new ones to bequeath our children.”

– Jour nal ist Henry Demarest Lloyd, circa early 1900’s

News of the Warm Big oil continues to invest shrewdly...

but some investors are feeling the heat.

As the climate debate rages on...

November, 2014

we must deal with a looming threat.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Career Fair Day with ISIS Recruitment effort by hip terrorist group featured offers of free caps, t-shirts and Facebook pokes.

The annual Cornell University Career Fair Day provides an opportunity for students to meet with representatives from over 250 organizations over a two-day period, and is always well attended.

The recent event featured a wide variety of potential employers, but many were surprised to see an ISIS stall with a rather fetching banner, which read: “ISIS = Intelligence, Sophistication, Ice Cream & Salvation” “I couldn’t believe it, one minute I am speaking to a senior rep from Google, the next I am in deep conversation with a marketing exec for ISIS,” remarked Stephen Thompson, a student in engineering. “They don’t offer much for engineers though, they’re mostly into blowing stuff up.”

Not long after the leader of the Islamic State released the first audiotape calling for jihad, the group has now decided to recruit at various campuses across the U.S. — something as shameless as it is ballsy, note international observers.

“I know ISIS has been aggressively enticing young men to join their ranks as they attempt to topple Assad, I know they are extremely dangerous, but, hey, they offered some great snacks at Career Day, more than I can say for those Microsoft guys,” said Thompson.

“You know, with them, I wouldn’t be incurring a huge debt like I would at American schools. And if the economy doesn’t improve soon, I may have to seriously consider their offer. Prepaid flights, free accommodation, generous vacation leave, company tank, and free Starbucks every second Saturday — I’d say they offer quite a favorable deal.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for more than three weeks and now some experts have offered a possible explanation: the leader desperately wants a sex change.

Since being filmed in July wearing a tight fitting dress, speculation has been rife that the 31-year-old has very different dreams to his predecessors in power.

Even Un-biased, North Korea’s best selling entertain ment mag a zine, has tried to avoid the pressing issue since Mr Kim appeared at Pyongyang Fashion Week. But now, after conceding that the leader has been entertaining some rather “questionable desires,” the lid has come off the campest of cookie jars.

Shortly after narrowly edging out Dennis Rodman as “The Sexiest Man in Power, 2014,”

Kim reportedly reached out to transgender friend of his, Lana Wachowski, co-director of The Matrix franchise. Along with seeking advice on gender reassignment surgery, The Great Leader re vealed he had pic ke d ou t t he nam e, Kimberley.

According to Michael Mad den, an ex pert on North Korean fashion and culture, Mr Kim’s extreme desires could stem from daddy issues.

“Based on his father’s womanizing, it is possible that Un has been impacted in the strangest of manners possible,” he surmised.

Kim Jong-Un’s father, Kim Jong-Il, died three years ago after a heart attack during a heated orgy in Las Vegas.

Reported by John Glynn.

Rush Limbaugh: ‘Clinton Baby a Hoax’ PALM BEACH, FL — Chelsea Clinton has not given birth, as recently announced, nor was she even preg nant, ac cord ing to Rush Limbaugh, ranting on his nationally syndicated radio talk show today.

In his opening mono logue, the porky p u n d i t claimed that the w hole story is an elaborately Limbaugh: The porky radio ranter. c o n t r i v e d Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. hoa x, designed to generate sympathy for Hillary’s 2016 presidential run. Pretending she’s a grandmother is, as he put it, “trying to give the old bag a human face, like she wasn’t responsible for the deaths of four brave Americans in Benghazi.”

Limbaugh noted that significantly, no photograph of “the so-called female Charlotte Clinton baby” has yet been released, nor are its height, weight or other statistics available.

“Compare that with the other royal baby,” he said. “Harry and Kate. We practically got pictures of it coming out.”

“And what kind of name is that any way?” the obese oracle added. “Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky? Is that some kind of Jewish? And is

Activist: “Put condoms on the Washington Monument now!”

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Kim Jong-Un: Undergoing a Sex Change?

Tea Party Activists Say Washington Has Its Own ‘Butt Plug’ Issues WASHINGTON, DC — Right-wing protests in Paris against artist Paul McCarthy’s “butt plug” sculpture have inspired American Tea Party activists to take a similar stand on the Washington Monument and other “obscene” public buildings.

Washington Monument butt plug“That thing is like a giant ad for Viagra,” protested Rinse Previous, a leading Tea Party activist. “Every time you see it you just can’t help thinking about teenage boys struggling to take off their sweaty jock straps and then frolicking in the showers.”

Previous added that Washington’s “Hey, let’s be gay ad,” as he called it, should be “decently cov ered.” He rec om mended wrap ping the 555-foot obelisk in “large shiny black latex or pref er a bly a black shiny con dom unrolled slowly over that disgustingly suggestive tip.”

A condom would also encourage safe sex, Previous said, “especially among teenage gays.

We all know what they get up to with their tight pants and their shirts unbuttoned almost to the navel exposing their hairy chests.”

After a moment he added: “I saw one the other day, some kinda hairy beatnik, he had this gold chain on and anyone, I mean anyone, kids, women even someone like me could just imagine all the dirty things he does with it. Ugh.” Previous said that Tea Party women were forming a group known as the Antitit League (named after its founder, Mrs Mabel Antitit) to protest the Capitol dome, which is “disgustingly breast-like.” He laughed cynically. “You know how teenage boys are. It stirs up their lascivious

Headline News Section

thoughts.”

Previous noted that the dome also might encourage w o m en wi th young children to breastfeed in public. This was not only unsightly, it would also excite teenage boys.

Previous produced a list of what he called “other possible interventions.” These include covering Lincoln’s legs at his memorial (“Legs and gay sex go together like Obama and death panels”), changing Washington’s designation of “D.C” because of its “sexually deviant overtones,” and warehousing Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell “with its suggestive shape and even more suggestive crack.”

“As for the Statue of Liberty,” Previous said, “don’t get me started. Do you know that you can actually climb under her dress and peek around inside there? Can you imagine the thoughts of teenage boys when they’re shuffling around with their school group and everyone is kind of brushing up against everyone else and you can smell them?”

Previous said that he was also pressing John Boehner to change his last name. “I mean, really,” he said. “We all know how teenage boys are.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Clinton her middle name or part of the surname?

Typical Clintonion evasion. It’s obviously just a made up name, like Barack Hussein Obama.

They should call it Ben – as in Benghazi.”

The fascistic Floridian continued: “And talking of the Muslim terrorist in the White House, has any one seen the new offspring’s birth certificate? I bet they’re just waiting a few days, and then they’ll show us one of them three million Muslim terrorist children that are still flooding into Texas even as we speak.”

The tubby talk-show host said that it was significant that “Mrs Mezvinsky,” as he repeatedly referred to Chelsea Clinton, plans to decorate her baby’s nursery with elephants.

“That just gives it away,” he said, noting that the GOP’s avatar is an elephant. “Obviously the plan is to raise the child to destroy the Republican Party. It will be abused until it hates elephants and wants to cut their heads off. And after the elephants, it will be our turn.”

A caller pointed out that the Republican Party was already successfully destroying itself, and that, in fact, Chelsea Clinton actively works with groups seeking to stop the poaching of African elephants. She likes pachyderms.

The hefty host swept this aside as just another lefty hoax. “Where were Chelsea and her elephants when her mother murdered four brave Americans at Benghazi?” he demanded.

“Benghazi, Benghazi!” he added.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Convicted Murderer Michael Dunn: ‘Should’ve Been a Cop’ “Or maybe a vigilante hero, like George Zimmerman,” – Michael Dunn JACKSONVILLE FL — Convicted murderer Michael Dunn said in an informal press conference today that he believed he had been unfairly and un justly found guilty in the death of 17-year-old Jordan Davis.

Dunn, 47, was charged with first-degree mur der after shooting into an SUV full of black teenagers at a Jack son ville, Florida, gas station in 2012, during a squabble over Dunn: “I should have been a cop, the music em- those guys get away with murder.” anating from the teens’ vehicle.

“You read about this old dude that was shot by a cop in his own driveway, just sitting in his car?

And I get life? It ain’t fair, no sir!” Dunn complained bitterly.

Mr. Dunn noted that if he had been a peace officer, “I’d have a big internet fund by now and everyone would be wearing ‘I am Michael Dunn’ bracelets. Even if I’d been a self-appointed vigilante like George Zimmerman I coulda got away with it. When you the only witness left, it’s hard to contradict your story.”

A reporter pointed out that there were other witnesses in his case, however. “Yeah,” Michael Dunn said regretfully. “My mistake was I let some of those kids get away. At least one was wearing a hoodie, so I would’ve been justified.”

Dunn said that just because no gun was found in the teenagers’ car, it did not mean he hadn’t been in fear for his life. “Four black boys in the street after dark is just naturally scary here in the south,” he said.

Michael Dunn added that he “really, really, honestly and sincerely,” believed that his life had been threatened and that he had no option but to comply with Florida’s stand-your-ground law. It was, he said, “my duty as a citizen.”

Dunn was asked how he hoped to survive without a gun in a mixed-race penitentiary where there were lots of large, horny black men called Bubba, some with homosexual tendencies.

“Yeah, well Bubba can kiss my ass,” Michael Dunn said defiantly as he was led away.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Mayhem as Scientists Announce Lab-Grown Penis ‘Designer Dicks’ to be tested on penis-envying volunteers WINSTON-SALEM NC — Civil un rest extraordinary results. And I don’t mean pot.” broke out today at the gates of the Wake Forest He added that he and his friends only wanted In s ti tute for R e ge n e r a t ive M ed i ci ne, to share in the bounty. “And us too,” said a Winston-Salem, NC, folplain tive fe male voice lowing reports that its scinearby, later identified as en tists are ready to try Little’s wife. “in-man” trials for their Dr Anthony Atala, the new laboratory-grown pePeruvian-born head of the nis op er a tion. The an300-strong team at the Innounc e me nt fol low e d stitute, confirmed that he successful tests on rabbits, and his researchers were who, it was said, all inwork ing on “larger and stantly mated like bunnies. larger penis structures.”

Thousands of noisy volDespite some success, Anthony Weiner: “Hmm, great idea!” unteers, some egged on by he said, the penis is provwives and girlfriends, assembled at dawn de- ing to be “like Nixon, a Tricky Dick,” especially manding to be among the first equipped with the when it comes to “assessing the structure for Institute’s so-called “Designer Dicks.” Some safety and effectiveness.” Candidate organs are waved pictures of legendary porn stars Ron squashed, stretched and twisted to make sure Jeremy and John Holmes, while An thony they can stand up to the wear of everyday (and Weiner himself was seen moving among the night) life; another pumps fluid into them to test crowd indiscriminately handing out crotch erections. selfies signed with his Twitter address.

“It’s a rigorous testing schedule,” said Atala Several arrests were made, but by mid-morn- wearily, gesturing at his crotch. ing, the noise had subsided into a sullen silence Professor James Yoo, a senior team member, punctuated by defiant cries of “I am male, hear said that they were informally exploring the me roar!” and “Anybody got a beer?” possibilities of commercialization, “although According to attendee Richard (“Please the competition might be rather stiff.” don’t call me Dick”) Little, withholding “penile “I can foresee us offering a variety of colors, enhancement treatment” would not be right. styles and sizes,” Yoo said. “Starting with “I mean, is this fair?” he said, gesturing at a Large, of course. Then we could go through picture of Jonah Falcon on his T-shirt. At 13.5 Young Ron Jeremy, Old Ron Jeremy, the John inches, Falcon is reputed to possess the world’s Holmes Special, OMG, OMFG and Call 911!” largest male member.

“Circumcision and hairy balls could be op“Besides,” Little said, “it is well known that tions,” he added. “But that’s all in the future.” the male scientists at Wake Forest have been seReported by Humor Times Senior Big Dick cretly growing their own for months now, with Correspondent, Michael Egan.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

Toles on the Economy

Welcome to the

Coffee Garden

Workers are feeling the pinch...

3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!

3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

but the big wigs are riding high.

This Year, Spread Joy & Holiday Cheer

®

(not to mention political humor and awareness!)

Regulators are trying to help...

but corporations make the rules.

With Gift Subscriptions to the Humor Times! $2 off any Gift Sub thru Dec. 31st!

(Discount good on regular U.S. subscription prices shown on page 3.) Fill out the form on page 3, note “Holidays,” and whether you would like the subscription to start with the December or January issue. A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Or, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box.

November, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

13

The Big Money Bet Republicans want to be our protectors...

and big money protects them.

as the party looks for the best fit.

Candidates are already gearing up for 2016...

14

They know what’s wrong with America...

and how to appeal to voters.

Still, Repubs would like to finish up on some pet projects...

before taking on the tough issues.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

Vote of No Confidence It ain’t easy being president...

your own team may turn against you...

It may seem you don’t have a friend in the world...

or worse.

November, 2014

and sometimes you wish you didn’t.

The few you trust can get tired of defending you...

and it can all come crashing down.

Eventually, you’ll be happy to be replaced.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Elections, American Style Candidates promise the moon...

16

and their supporters know they’ll deliver.

Average Americans are not so sure...

but will tough it out through dangerous times.

It ain’t like it used to be...

and it’s not likely to get better any better soon.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014

A Gay Celebration

Hard Hit

Silence is golden...

The NFL showed its concern...

but there’s a time for celebration.

as did its fans.

But the commissioner may be looking for other work.

Support for gay rights is growing...

and becoming the norm.

Meanwhile, fall means college football.

November, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2014