Humor Times, Dec. 2014

Issue #276

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

So much for the brilliant Democratic strategy of running away from their accomplishments and their president. Once again, they have reinforce their “spineless” image. They used to have an identity they could be proud of: the party of the working people. Now, they act like a confused bunch of school kids, not knowing what their homework assignment is.

To be fair, the system is totally screwed up, and it’s getting worse. When you need to raise millions of dollars just to have half a chance to win office, it is easy to capitulate to the big money bosses who seem to control Washington these days.

Of course, it doesn’t help that so-called “red” states are getting very good at rigging the game, gerrymandering districts to make House seats virtually unchallengeable, and taking actions and passing laws that make it harder for the Democrat’s constituency to vote.

Only a very few cases of real “voter fraud” ever happen in any given year, an infinitesimal percentage. And yet, Fox News, et al, have created a bogeyman out of the issue.

Passing laws in Republican-controlled states that force the low-income and elderly to come up with money they don’t have for IDs does not serve democracy, and neither does reducing or eliminating early voting opportunities.

Some districts have even intentionally under served low-income voting districts by limiting the voting machines available at election centers, making for ridiculously long lines, where voters stand for hours on end – often in bad weather.

On top of that, unscrupulous secretaries of state have initiated flawed voter purges, which have been notorious for taking many thousands of valid voters off the rolls, simply because they have the same name as a felon. Often the addresses don’t match, and sometimes even the names are spelled differently. It doesn’t matter, they are stricken from the rolls anyway, close to the election, so affected voters don’t have much time to re-register, if they are even aware of the problem.

Sure, it’s a competition, and you do what you can to win, but disenfranchising voters simply cannot be tolerated in a democracy, and that is what constitutes the real election fraud.

In the end, the strategy of filibustering everything, including job bills that could have helped the economy, ginning up false controversies such as Benghazi, demonizing the president and his party, and generally grinding Washington to a halt, have all succeeded in convincing voters that government is totally ineffective. Uninformed voters blame the sitting president, and thus his party. Discouraged Democratic and independent voters sat home in droves, resulting in one of the lowest voter turnouts ever.

That such a strategy can be rewarded is a sad testament to the state of politics in America today.

Task number one to save our democracy is still, after all these years, to get the big money out of politics. Barring that, the only thing our “representatives” will be representing is the source of all that campaign loot: the rising oligarchy – not the American people.

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December, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

3

Election: American Style The election season is finally over...

and the lawn signs can come down.

During the campaign, distractions were quite welcome...

It was a race to the finish...

and fantasy helped to pass the time.

and race did factor into it.

In the end, there were big rewards for those who knew how to play the game. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

Now that it’s all over...

it’s time to begin again.

Kind of like a horror movie...

where the blade swings both ways.

Democracy depends on informed electorate...

so they can make the right decisions.

But it’s hard to see through the blizzard of cash...

December, 2014

which is why solutions must be found.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Yet Another Holiday of Guilt The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English-speaking, Judeo-Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide.

It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito.

Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down-home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated to giving — not receiving. Of course, we’re talking about America Recycles Day on November 15.

Don’t know about you, but in the Durst household, there’s something magically comforting about the grand holiday traditions that have grown up over generations. Brown, blue and green stockings hanging from every fireplace mantle. The wacky winnowing ceremony that marks the traditional draining of the liquor cabinet into one big punch bowl. The pulsating glow from dozens of festive landfill tire-fires dotting the landscape.

Mandatory middle school pageants dedicated to raising high the 3 R mantra of the season: “Reduce, Reuse & Recycle.” How that phrase echoes across the land! Sure, some kids today consider it dopey and old fashioned, but our little Eloise & Madaleine still squeal with delight while cleaning out the compost bin on America Recycles Day Eve. So that it appears brand spanking new in the morning when beloved Happy the Vulture drops off sustainable presents to reward all the good little boys and girls who separated their straws from their juice boxes depositing them in the proper receptacles the previous year.

Gathering round the dining table that was once a telephone wire spool; after a socially responsible breakfast of locally sourced egg substitutes, pork belly flavored tofu and an array of organic greens — the whole family troupes down to the annual Recycling Parade, where participants dressed in green biodegradable bubble wrap ride on solar powered garbage trucks and toss edible barks and mosses to the teeming crowds.

Then the big hol i day eve ning fam ily get-to gether at Grandmama’s house, where one of the uncles dresses as Happy or one of his dung bee tle bud dies pass ing out en vi ron mentally-friendly gifts. Many which are re-gifted to a clot of kids wearing wrinkled red crepe hanging from their necks going door to door singing ecological carols. Such as the merrily enchanting, “Can It. Save the Planet!”

Conservatives continue to malign this movement, as evidenced by their annual “War on Recycling Day,” banning blue bins from government building cafeterias. But here in California, our one true unifying religion is recycling. Even if the complete blessing of the goddess Gaia will never be realized, our recycling frenzy blazes a path to the future: fostering a gentler and cleaner society, perhaps allowing us to inhabit the planet a few weeks longer.

And for all those who mock our liberal spirituality, accusing us of having as many gods as haircuts; just bear witness to our devotional manifestation once every week when we stagger to the curb with our holy sacrificial offerings, reverently reflecting for hours on what goes where. And in another eerie parallel, just like with normal religions, it’s all pretty much based on guilt.

WILL DURST

Obama and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day To call the grotesque drubbing suffered by the Democratic Party in the midterms “monumental” is like referring to the surface of the sun as “warm.” The scene was so grisly, acutely sensitive Democrats (most of them) were forced to avert their eyes or risk anaphylactic shock.

If you ever wanted to see numbers bleed, this was your night.

Surprised no referee jumped onto the CNN set, rang a bell, and raised the Koch Brothers’ hands triumphantly in the air. The big question is how much the FCC will fine the networks for airing the election returns, thereby exposing young viewers to such grotesque brutality.

Back in 2010, President Obama described the midterm losses as a shellacking; this was more of an epic trouncing with faint overtures of catastrophic putrescence. Political junkies who stayed up late were treated to a front row seat at a world championship seal-clubbing finals. Rated ZV for zombie violence.

Yes, indeed, the world has changed, but just a little. The Senate is now controlled by Republicans, much like it was before. The House did turn a darker red and several Governorships moved into the GOP column, including Illinois, Massachusetts and Maryland, which was as expected as Tiffany eggs in a litter box.

But Washington will stumble on. Grand postures will be assumed.

Little will get done. Politics as usual continues.

On this night, finding liberal silver linings was tougher than a truck stop steak. Marijuana legalization passed in Alaska, Oregon and DC, and minimum wage increase propositions won victories.

The lone big GOP loser was Former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who ran for the same office in New Hampshire, giving him the unique distinction of being the first truck driving male model to lose 2 US Senate races to 2 different women in 2 different states. Rumors abound he is currently scouting for property in Maine and Vermont.

Many reasons were given for the dem o cratic de ba cle. Dark money poured into ads at the last minute. President Obama as a third rail. Establishmentarians keeping the Tea Party down. Young people and African Americans staying home. New episodes of NICS and NCIS: New Orleans. One or the other, okay, but both?

Even amidst the carnage, the two sides did their best to make the requisite bi- partisanship noises of nice. Day af ter the elec tion, soon- t o- be Sen at e Ma j or i t y Leader, Mitch McConnell, held a press conference to announce he wants to work with the president.

Of course, he was hard to understand, failing to turn off the chainsaw behind his back during the press conference.

Yeah. The GOP wants to work with the president. The same way a 5 year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. Like a gorilla wants to work with bananas. A ten-ton boulder falling off a cliff wants to work with windshields.

Obama should promise Republicans twice the amount of cooperation he received after the 2012 elec tion. Be cause as ev ery one knows; 2 times zero is still zero.

But despite increasing odds, the president says he is still ready and willing to fight for his agenda. As soon as he figures out what it is.

Staffers boast he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Apparently, he’s not overly familiar with the words “consensus,” “strategy” or “leadership” either.

Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com for more about the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to per sonal appearances such as his hit one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

White House Frown Everyone was attacking the prez this election...

and even Democrats avoided him.

The strategy they employed...

to motivate their base...

had predictable results.

Obama took it pretty well, however...

saying he intends to keep working...

December, 2014

harder and faster than ever.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Congressional Repo Republicans ran an effective campaign...

as Americans were swept up in the GOP wave...

and voters will now reap the rewards.

8

Mitch McConnell is in the Senate driver’s seat...

and Republicans control Congress...

so their opposition to the president will be unconstrained.

They hope to parlay this win into a presidential one...

but ultimately, it’s up to the voters.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

The Hightower Lowdown Net Neutrality Stands in the Way of Larger Corporate Profits When it comes to Internet Service Providers and high-speed Internet, the consumer marketplace has hardly been a model of competitiveness. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to choose from two providers, and some of us only have access to one.

These digital conduits are essential parts of America’s utility infrastructure, nearly as basic as electricity and water pipes. They connect us (and our children) to worldwide knowledge, news, diverse viewpoints and other fundamental tools of citizenship. And, of course, we can buy and sell through them, be entertained, run our bus i n ess e s, c on n e c t w ith fri en d s , g et up-to-the-minute scores, follow the weather and — yes indeedy — pay our bills.

Yet while this digital highway is deemed vital to our nation’s well-being, access to it is not offered as a public service — i.e., an investment in the common good. Instead, it is treated as just another profit center for a few corporations.

Amassing market power to gouge customers is bad enough, but ISP’s plan on eviscerating the pure egalitarian ethic of the Internet, which is why they were so upset when President Obama

recently urged the FCC to back a free and open Internet.

Like an uncensored global bulletin board, the great virtue of the Internet is that no one controls its content. This digital communication technology has been so spectacularly successful and so socially valuable because it is a wide-open, democratic forum, accessible on equal terms to all who want to put information, images, opinions, etc. on it or to download any of the same from it. Since its invention, the guiding principle behind the use of this liberating technology has been that no corporation, government, religion, or other controlling power should be its gatekeeper.

This open-access tenet is dubbed “net neutrality,” meaning the system doesn’t care if y o u ’re roy a lt y or a c om mone r, a n establishmentarian or a rebel, a brand-name corporation or an unknown start-up, a billionaire or a poverty-wage laborer — you are entitled to equal treatment in sending or getting information in the worldwide webosphere. That’s an important democratic virtue. As we’ve learned in other spheres, however, corporate executives

are not ones to let virtue stand in the way of profit, and today’s telecom tycoons are no different. For some time, they’ve been scheming to dump the idea of net neutrality, viewing its public benefit as an unwarranted obstacle to their desire to grab greater profits.

Rather than having one big broadband “freeway” open for transporting everyone’s Internet content, the ISP giants intend to create a special system of lanes for high-speed traffic.

This express lane will be made available to those who want to rush their information/view points/programs/etc. to the public and to get greater visibility for their content by having it separated from the mass clutter of the freeway.

The ISP’s will charge a premium price to those who want their content transported via this special Internet toll-lane system.

By creating this first-class fare, the likes of Comcast/TWC elevate themselves from mere transporters of content to exalted robber barons.

They would be empowered to decide (on the basis of cash), which individuals, companies, and so forth will be allowed in the premium lane of what is supposed to be a democratic freeway.

The “winners” will be (1) the ISP giants that would reap billions from this artificial profit lane, and (2) the powerful content providers (e.g., Disney, the Koch Brothers, Wal-Mart, the Pentagon, and Monsanto) that can easily pay top

JIM HIGHTOWER

dollar to ride in the privileged lane (and deduct the ticket price from their corporate taxes).

The losers, obviously, will be the vast majority of internet users: (1) the dynamic cosmos of groups, small companies, and other content providers without the deep pockets needed to buy their way out of the slow lanes (which ISP monop o lists could in ten tion ally make even slower), and (2) the broad public that will have its access to the full range of Internet offerings blocked by the neon glare of those flashing their purchased messages in the fast lanes, limiting what we’re allowed to read, watch, listen to and interact with on our computers, smartphones and TV screens.

The biggest loser though, would be the Internet itself, which would be made to surrender its determinedly democratic ethic to the plutocratic rule of corporate profiteers.

To stand up for net neutrality and a free and open Internet, go to FightForTheFuture.org.

Caging the Internet Telecom giants are angling for the big prize...

but the people know how important an open internet is...

because things are bad enough already.

December, 2014

But there are limits.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Snoop Dogg: Next Presidizzle?

The 2016 race for the White House has gotten far more interesting now that Snoop Dogg has thrown his fedora in the ring.

Mr. Dogg was a promising pediatric neurosurgeon before turning to rap. However, in a rather strange turn of affairs, Snoop will air an hour long ad introducing himself to the American public this coming Friday. Dr. Dre, an aide to the artist, confirmed the plans to Fox News.

Snoop said over the summer that he was “strongly considering” seeking the Republican presidential nomination, and a formal announcement is expected very soon.

The documentary, entitled “Get a Brother Out, Get a Brother In,” will air in 25 states. Financed by Dre, the video will detail some of Dogg’s academic achievements and chronicle his formative years, including his rise from respected pediatric neurosurgeon to rap stardom.

Renowned for his catchy beats, perhaps Snoop’s most impressive moment arrived prior to music, a time when he successfully separated conjoined twins while rolling a joint.

Snoop Dogg, born Cal vin Cordozar Broadus, Jr., is a devout conservative star, and last year created quite a stir at the National Prayer Breakfast. In front of an audience that included President Obama, Snoop ranted about the USA’s lack of political correctness, poor health care and unfair tax system.

If elected into the White House, Dogg has promised to provide a private health care savings plan called Dizzle-care. He also promised a flat tax system, one that “is fair for any dog, regardless of breed.”

Ever since the passionate proclamation went viral and led to an editorial in the Washington Post, titled “Smells Like Dogg Shit,” Snoop has emerged as a shock candidate to lead the US out of political disillusionment.

Reported by John Glynn.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Oligarchs: ‘End Quaint Formality of Scalia: Feeding Homeless Not Like Hobby Lobby Voting, Let Us Bid on Candidates’ “The candidate with the most money wins — no need for messy voting!”

— David Koch, explaining new system, already in place

Clarence Thomas, startled from nap, hastens to agree

Humor Times Exclusive “Americans are tired of the whole voting process,” said David Koch, one of the richest people on the planet, af ter the re cent mid term smackdown he financed.

“They’re sick of the negative ads, and feel their votes don’t count any more,” Mr. Koch said, beaming with pride at this accomplishment. “Well, they’re right. The guy with the most money wins, so, in the interest of helping citizens avoid this big election headache every two years, we’re proposing a new way forward,” he said.

Campaign cash is doled out by the obscenely wealthy through a network of “dark money” organizations, allowed by the Supreme Court “Citizens United” decision in 2010.

Washington DC — At an emergency hearing last night, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia refused to grant an injunction against the city of Fort Lauderdale, Florida to stop it from enforcing Ordinance C-14-42, which forbids feeding the homeless in public.

However, a religious, non-profit organization called Love Thy Neighbor, Inc., led by Arnold Abbott, a 90-year-old war veteran, have repeatedly refused to Arnold Abbott. comply.

Unfortunately, the repeated display of all that homeless despair, need and hunger, together with Abbott’s obvious human compassion, has offended the sensibilities of Fort Lauderdale’s wealthy elite, and quite put them off their midday snacks. They want all that neighbor-loving to be done somewhere else, please.

On Friday, attorneys for Love Thy Neighbor asked the Supreme Court to intervene, citing the Hobby Lobby case. They argued that their client should be exempt from man-made laws because of its owners’ sincerely held religious beliefs.

Representing the court at the emergency hearing, Scalia refused. The Hobby Lobby case was quite different, he said.

“First off, Hobby Lobby involved, you know, sex — girls and contraception and icky stuff like that. Those girls just need to control their libidos, like Huckabee said.”

“Feeding the homeless has nothing to do with sex or saving corporations money, although,” he added with his famous judiciously sparing wit, “Mr Abbott’s street pigeons should learn to control their food libidos!”

His double chins wobbled as he laughed.

Wiping his eyes, Scalia went on: “Anyhoo, Hobby Lobby is a Christian corporation, for gosh sakes, whereas Love Thy Neighbor is just a collection of local Jewish do-gooders and therefore, legal argle-bargle, not protected, argle bargle.”

Asked to comment on his boss’s legal opinion, Clarence Thomas awoke from his perpetual nap and replied: “Uh...oh, yeah, what he said.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Mr. Koch revealed that a bra in trus t of t he t op one-tenth of one per cent recently convened at Bohemian Grove in California, and decided enough was enough.

“Let us rich folk just bid on can di dates. It’s re ally what’s happening anyway,” Koch said. “Eliminate the middle man, which is all the voter is anymore.”

But what to do with all the cash raised, if it’s not spent on campaign ads?

“That’s easy,” said Mr. Koch. “Use it to implement the things we bought our politicians for in the first place.”

“For example,” he said, “this year, it would go to ward build ing the XL Pipe line and destroying all the so lar pan els. Prob lem solved!”

Obama Moons GOP Congress, Kardashian-Style Following Kardashian example, politicians around the country rush to bare their ‘assets’ too WASHINGTON, DC — Fol lowing Kim K a r d a s h i a n ’s successful “ B re a k the Internet” baring of her re markable derriere, celebrities and politicians alike are hurry ing to hop onto the ass-baring bandwagon.

First aboard was Pres i dent “Obuma,” who Obama: “Wave this, mofos.” slowly low ered his pants before the entire Republican congress and its Tea Party wing. “I think you get my drift,” he smiled through his legs, all the way from China.

“Don’t forget, the full moon is December 21,” he added, with a wink to the undocumented, who cheered faintly. They weren’t sure what he meant, but it sounded promising.

Mary Landrieu unhesitatingly clambered on

board, outraging the entire Democratic left and environmentalists everywhere, as she shamelessly exposed herself for what she really is.

“Yeah, well you don’t have to win an election,” she obscenely mooned, rushing the XL pipeline’s approval through the Senate.

“You can’t see the wires,” Landrieu remarked of the cords binding her to the Kochs and the oil companies, “but you can tell they’re there by the way I jerk around.”

In Ferguson, Missouri, city authorities were preparing for a giant mooning by the entire police force, in anticipation of the exoneration of Officer Darren Wilson in the murder of unarmed teenager Michael Brown.

The televised display will be backed up by tear gas, armored vehicles, dogs, rubber bullets and widespread arrests.

“Violence will not be tolerated,” said the Governor, “except by police.”

John Boehner also ruthlessly bared his ass, at the full Democratic caucus. “Check it out,” he sneered, “because this is what a hundred-year majority looks like.” Observers noted that apparently, Boehner only sprays his face orange.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Democrats in Withdrawal as Soliciting Emails Dry Up

Kim & Kanye Eye Taj Majal for Anniversary

Democratic voters throughout America were in deep shock this morning when President Obama did not send emails asking for money.

Even worse, there were no solicitations from Nancy Pelosi, Bill Clinton, nor any of their local candidates for Governor, state Senator, etc.

Disturbed Democrats and even some Independents were observed displaying symptoms of acute withdrawal, including twitches, sniffles and having trouble reaching for their wallets.

“Now that they’ve all stopped writing, I feel so used,” said Ed “Grumpy Gus” Gillespie of Des Moines, Iowa. “Not even Barbra Streisand writes any more, and she’ll sign anything.”

Gillespie added: “Before Nov. 5 they just couldn’t get enough of me. I was like the last rose of summer. Now I’m just a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. All I do is cry all day.”

Gillespie explained that for the past several

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are making plans for a big first anniversary bash.

The biggest stumbling block was trying to find a venue that could top the Palace of Versailles. They have finally solved the problem by appealing to the Indian government to use the Taj Mahal. Mobbed by reporters as they exited the Indian consulate, the couple gave an impromptu press conference.

Asked why India would even consider their request, Kim said, “We’ll bring in a lot of income for them – think of all the souvenirs they could sell. We’ve already mocked up a few.”

Kanye held up a postcard of him and Kim standing in front of the Taj Mahal locked in a pas sionate em brace. Then he threw some t-shirts into the throng.

“What’s more important, ” Kardashian continued, “is tourists will finally want to come to

months, morning emails from Democrats had regularly “shocked him into consciousness” with frightening subject lines addressed to him personally. They got scarier as the election approached.

“Like ‘ED GILLESPIE! DISASTER IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!’” he said. “And ‘ED GILLESPIE! IF YOU DON’T CHIP IN $5.00 OR MORE, IT COULD BE THE END!’ “When you’re terrified first thing, you sure get going fast. God, I miss that. How am I supposed to wake up in the morning now?” he asked.

Informed the 2016 presidential campaign will be under way in no time, Gillespie said, “Thank God. I tried worrying about Ebola and ISIS, but I’m just not a Republican.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

the Taj Mahal, because it will now be a happy place, rather than a gl oom y ol d tomb.”

“Our only hang- up i s t h a t i t ’s s o Kim & Kanye: Go in style. white,” Kanye interjected.

“We’ve offered to make it pop by adding some color to the outside walls, so that might be a selling point too,” he said.

As their limo sped off, Kim Kardashian tweeted to her vast army of admirers: “Maybe I’ll even wear a Sorry.”

Reported by Diane de Anda.

SF Giants to Rename Club ‘SF MadBums,’ Let Rest of Team Go

Bill Maher Wins $5 Million ‘Orangutan’ Bet With Donald Trump

Humor Times Exclusive SAN FRANCISCO — After ace pitcher Madison Bumgarner, affectionately known as “MadBum” around these parts, closed out Game 7 of the World Series with five innings of shutout baseball, on top of the sixteen other innings he threw in games 1 and 5, allowing just one run, the San Francisco Giants decided he is all they really need.

“We rode that horse through the World Series, and to save a little hassle and a lot of cash, we decided we can ride him through the entire season next year,” said SF Giants’ CEO Larry Baer. “I mean, if no hitters from the other team get on base, what do you need other players for?”

When one reporter pointed out that he would need teammates to catch the balls and throw runners out, Baer replied, “Well, that’s a nice convenience. But have you seen this athlete

NYC — Routine tests on Donald Trump forged birth certificate and filed a $5 million prove conclusively that the eccentric property lawsuit against Maher, afterwards dropping it developer and political nuisance is indeed de- without explanation. scended from an orangutan, as alleged earlier It is thought that while in the hospital, Trump this year by Bill Maher. himself requested the DNA results indicate DNA test, which seems that Trump is at least to have backfired.

50% orang utan. The “Mr Trump is unc om po s i tion of his questionably some type strangely orange hair, of prim i tive sim ian,” or “fur” as doctors desaid a hospital repreTrump & orangutan: Like father, like son. scribe it, is identical to sentative. “Apart from DNA samples taken from his alleged father. his limited intelligence, bizarre appearance and Maher claimed during a Tonight Show ap- uncivilized behavior, you need only compare pearance that he believed Trump was the spawn him to an actual orangutan to clinch the matter.” of an orangutan. He offered to pay $5 million if “$5 million is peanuts to Trump, which are the mop-haired millionaire could prove that he his staple diet, of course,” said Maher, giggling was not, playing on Trump’s offer to Obama to between puffs of Maui Wowie. “I guess he prove he was born in Hawaii, not Kenya. won’t be monkeying around here for a while.”

Trump responded by producing an obviously Reported by Michael Egan.

12

play? I mean, he’s Superman! We’re confident he can run around and field all the balls, and then go up to bat and hit home runs as well.”

A s a h i t t e r, Bumgarner hit .258 on the season, with 4 home runs — two o f th em g ra n d slams — a nd knocked in 15 runs.

“O f c o urs e, that’s a small sample size,” said Baer. “If he’s in there every game, I’m sure he can raise his batting average and hit about 162 home runs. That should be enough to win every game, if he continues to shut out teams the way he does.”

“It’s a solid plan, nobody’s going to talk us out of it,” Baer said. After thinking a moment, however, he made one concession, adding, “Well, I suppose we will still need a catcher.”

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

In the Pipeline The XL Pipeline bill was voted down...

but the permanent pipeline is still in place.

Proponent say it will create jobs...

and they are probably right.

The message can be more convincing than the evidence...

ever.

December, 2014

and nothing can change some minds...

Proving the system works.

HUMOR TIMES

13

Health Snare

Health Scare

Republicans have shown a lot of concern...

Ebola has frightened the populace...

and the disease can cause some strange behavior...

and creativity, when it comes to Obamacare.

Meanwhile, big tobacco is hoping for a comeback...

but they are close to a cure.

and the FDA is watching out for us.

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Meanwhile, people continue to die.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

Immigration Man The GOP celebration had barely begun...

when the prez swiped their favorite party game.

They don’t understand why he doesn’t trust them...

His actions are utterly unprecedented, say Repubs...

as they demand to know just who he thinks he is.

and it may be something quite drastic.

Something must be done, they said...

December, 2014

but he’s heard it all before.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Love is Lovely

’Tis the Season

Attitudes are changing...

Some holiday traditions...

even in Arizona.

have been long forgotten...

The Pope said gays are OK in his book... while others are relatively new...

and some cardinals took a dark view of that. and we just wish we could forget them.

16

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

Miscellaneous Mischief

December, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2014

December, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

19

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