Humor Times, March 2015

“It has become abundantly clear that Congress does not regulate Wall Street but Wall Street regulates Congress.” – Sen. Bernie Sanders Issue #278

March, 2015

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

Editor’s Letter It’s getting harder and harder to tell real news from fake news, and even the correspondents we trust to give us the straight story seem to be making it up as they go along. Now, with Jon Stewart set to leave his 17-year stint at the head of Comedy Central’s fake news “Daily Show,” it almost makes sense that he and Brian Williams would switch places. After all, polls show the Jon Stewart – not anyone from a “real” news organization – is America’s most trusted source of news. And certainly, Mr. Williams has shown his talent for faking it.

Still, you get the feeling that the mainstream media is missing the important story here – as usual. Williams may have played fast and loose with the facts regarding his own past, but that didn’t really hurt Americans. What did hurt our country was the way the corporate-owned media played fast and loose with the facts regarding the build up to the Iraq War under George W. Bush.

The only organization that seemed to regret it was the New York Times, which published some in-depth articles about how they were fooled, and even took steps to make sure it never happened again. Except, it did. Now the Times is pushing fabrications about Putin and his takeover of Crimea, and seem to once again be irresponsibly cheering on another war, this time with Russia.

Meanwhile, the big television networks continue to substitute titillation and entertainment for real news coverage. Fortunately, people are beginning to see that they have to be their own researchers if they want to get at the truth. Luckily, we have a great tool for that – a free and open internet – for now. But that, too, is under assault, and if the corporate interests that want to do away with net neutrality are successful, well, it will be much more difficult to uncover the truth on our own any more.

It’s a shame that society has put such an important task – that of finding and presenting the truth – in the hands of such arrogant incompetents, whose concern is not for the public, but for their profit margins. There must be a better way.

Meanwhile, here at the pretty much (though not officially) not-for-profit Humor Times, we are getting ready to publish our 24th Anniversary Issue, next month!

You can depend on us to continue to do our job, which is to mercilessly lampoon the idiots who only pretend to do their jobs. Thank you for reading, and don’t forget – subscriptions make awesome gifts!

– James Israel Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 24, Issue 278, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Making It Up As You Go Along He’s a legend in his own mind...

faster than a speeding news story...

more powerful than a loco newsman...

Meanwhile, more consequential lies remain unpunished.

and able to tell tall tales with a simple believability.

Fake news is no longer confined to comedy channels...

and everything in the news media is topsy-turvy.

4

It appears that Mr. Williams may be all washed up.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

To Your Health Anti-vaxxers are nothing if not resolute...

and everything but their optimism is contagious.

The result is no fairy tale...

and reality is not always all that fun.

Meanwhile, nutrition guidelines seem nebulous...

and health care can be confusing.

Republicans are still skeptical...

March, 2015

but they continue to reassure the public.

HUMOR TIMES

5

The New Tar Pits Kind of sad being forced to watch the death struggle of these modern-day dinosaurs. Responsible parents should keep their kids from peering over the Plexiglas railing into the tar pits below to see the huge lumbering antediluvian beasts frenziedly dig themselves deeper into the sticky morass that is gay marriage.

Not a sight for the queasy or squeamish.

For some unfathomable reason, the thought of other people having sex makes certain folks crazier than a three-legged, drunken squirrel on a telephone wire covered in ice. Judge Roy Moore, the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, is one of those; and frankly, his obsession is becoming more than a mite suspicious.

Last week, Moore or dered pro bate judge s in the Yellowhammer State to ignore a federal court order and refuse to issue marriage certificates to gay couples. Like the Civil War, these guys are programmed to never give up. Hey, South! Get over it. Unless you have compromising photos of US Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy with a baby brontosaurus, gay marriage is a done deal. And guess what, you lost. Again. Deal with it.

This happens to be the very same Chief Justice Roy Moore who was kicked out of the very same office 12 years ago after ignoring another federal court order to remove a two and a half-ton granite block inscribed with the 10 Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building. Guy’s caught in a loop.

The Mobius Judge.

You could say he’s not big on federal court orders. You could also say that Alabama is so far on the wrong side of history, they have a better chance of running into a herd of Stegosaurus than a fleet of Prius. Which they would call, one of their states’ rights.

See, it’s not the law that’s important, it’s what Judge Moore

thinks Jesus wants that’s important. Mo hammed, Buddha, Krishna, Zoroaster, Confucius, Joe Smith, not so much. That the top adjudicator of the state is unable to figure out that displaying the Ten Commandments promotes one religion over others and is in direct opposition to the US Constitution does not bode well.

The fossilized remains of George Wallace are alive and well and walking around in Alabama.

They seem to be doing okay in Kansas as well; where Governor Sam Brownback issued an executive order rolling back rules that prohibit discrimination on the basis of gender identity and sexual orientation. The Friends of Dorothy are not welcome in Kansas. Anymore.

Experts see the governor’s move a transparent attempt to distract Kansans from his tax policies, which cut education and taxes on the rich at the same time. And the citizens of Kansas are beginning to suspect Brownbackian roots as the reason why their economy sucks. So now the state is morally and financially bankrupt at the same time.

The United Dixie White Knights branch of the KKK released a statement on their website supporting Judge Moore, complete with more than a few spelling errors. Couple pieces of advice.

One: if you want to be taken seriously, hire a 12 year old familiar with spell check to run your website. And two: If any one of your positions is ever supported by the KKK, you might want to think again. Or risk extinction. Like those dinosaurs.

Red Velvet Ropage And now for a few choice words concerning my recent demotion to the status of second-class citizen. The amazing thing is how quickly my metamorphosis into Cockroachlandia occurred.

One minute, I’m walking around like an ordinary human; the next

WILL DURST

minute, I’m an insect, an unwanted stiff, a bum, a vagabond, a jamoke. About as popular as feet in a punchbowl.

It seems America is splitting into two different categories: first class and… wherever I am. Which is as far from prosperous as Kathmandu is to Kansas. Tiffany’s and the Dollar Store. A 3 star Michelin restaurant on the banks of the Seine and a Fresno Jack in the Box. And, on the off-chance I might contract amnesia about my proper position in the big picture, a conspiracy of swells has assumed responsibility to remind me of my new station. And found a primitive but effective tool to keep my in my place. Talking about the ubiquitous red velvet rope used to separate the VIPs from the hoi polloi. The universal symbol for exclusion.

Sometimes the rope is a single scarlet supine snake protecting a door or an entrance way from the intrusion of loathsome louts such as me. But often there are whole armies of chrome stanchions connecting miles of crimson strands to keep me from traversing into tantalizingly unknown opulence. Sometimes, just a bathroom.

You see the red velvet ropes everywhere. In nightclubs, restaurants, theme parks, casinos; wherever they congregate, the wealthy have demanded the option to pay more not to have to rub elbows with the likes of me. And businesses are only too happy to provide the room. Usually excising it from spaces the general public formerly roamed freely. Such as bathrooms.

These days, everything and every one are subject to affluence apartheid. Resorts reserve their best poolside locations for the exclusive use of those who can pony up for cabanas. Members-only sky boxes grow larger and larger at sports venues where the elite can meet, greet, eat, bleat and escape the heat.

Want to skip to the head of the reservation line at the hottest restaurant in town? There’s an app for that. But it’s going to cost you. Private clubs and restricted lounges come with monthly dues that approximate mortgage payments for some of us. San Francisco and Manhattan are becoming red velvet roped cities. Only the loaded and bloated need apply.

Toll roads allowing the rich to whiz by are multiplying like candy peeps at Easter while the rest of us eat each other’s exhaust at a snail’s pace. The rich are also able to purchase special perks. Apparently, BMW drivers aren’t even required to use turn signals.

On airlines, back in steerage, I’m crammed into a seat that an emaciated 12 year old would find confining, regularly slamming my chin into my knees, while the upscale folks up front sleep flat on 600 thread-count Egyptian cotton.

It’s the 21st Century segregation – rich versus the rest of us. The country clubbing of America.

Iron i cally, once ac cess is gained, the rewards are usually disappointing. Bad lighting. Spotty wifi . We a k c o f f e e . C a n n e d canapés. And lousy company.

It’s only a matter of time before the well-heeled band together to protect their divisive ways by creating a political party that focuses on the proliferation of these red velvet ropes. Oh yeah. That’s right.

They already have.

Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” info on the new documentary film “3 Still Standing” and a calendar of personal appearances.

“We may have a democracy, or we may have great wealth con centrated in the hands of a few, but we cannot have both.”

– Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis, who served 1916-1939.

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

Best Democracy Money Can Buy What good is money if it can’t keep you entertained?

Rich folk know the answer...

and they know how to make it rain (or snow).

The trick is to make gobs of cash and have fun doing it...

They can change history...

March, 2015

Or make you even more money?

all while keeping your employees in line.

and even make it repeat.

HUMOR TIMES

7

ISIS

Je Suis Charlie

ISIS killed the peace activist Kayla Mueller...

Attacks on cartoonists are ultimately futile...

proving once again how low they are. and so were the president’s excuses.

Back home, old war horses stomp and neigh...

Religious extremism has been with us for centuries...

but hopefully cooler heads can prevail.

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and it still makes no sense.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown TPP: A Corporate Coup d’Etat When I was a tyke, Momma warned me not to eat anything unless I knew where it came from. That advice is so sensible that even Congress acted on it in 2002, passing a straightforward law called Country Of Origin Labeling.

COOL re quires meat mar ket ers to tell us whether the meat they sell is a product of the USA, China or Whereintheworldistan.

This useful information empowers us consumers – which is why global agribusiness giants hate it and are trying to get a secretive, autocratic, plutocratic, private court in Switzerland to kill it.

This can’t be, you say? But it is. Unbeknownst to most Americans, when the U.S. joined the World Trade Organization in 1999, we surrendered a big chunk of our sovereignty to this corporate court.

Here’s what’s happening: (1) American consumers have a basic right to know where their meat comes from, but (2) that right has been pitted against American corn flakes and ketchup in a “trade war” that (3) is being forced upon us by a handful of corporations that produce, slaughter, butcher and package meat outside of our country but (4) are allowed under trade agree-

ments to challenge a U.S. law that had been duly enacted for the people inside our country, so (5) America was sued in an obscure, autocratic, private organization created by and for corporate interests and headquartered in Switzerland.

Then (6) that corporate “court” did indeed rule that the “profit right” of foreign meat packers is su pe rior to our people’s basic right of self-determination.

Holy Tom Paine, this is corporate tyranny!

But it’s about to get worse, for President Obama and Congress intend to hang another bad trade deal, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, around our necks this spring.

What? You have n’t heard of the TPP? Dubbed “a corporate coup d’etat” by Public Citizen’s Global Trade Watch, it’s a grandiose grab for power masked as a trade deal, allowing an unprecedented level of global corporate rule over Americans. One reason we commoners don’t know about it is that the corporate and governmental elites of the 12 nations that have been negotiating this momentous deal in strict secrecy, not only are keeping us in the dark but also Congress. Another reason, however, is that the mass media has been shockingly silent, ap-

parently even incurious about what clearly is a huge story with historic consequences.

FAIR, the excellent watchdog group that tracks media coverage, found that ABC, CBS, CNN, Fox and NBC have offered the American public practically zero to little news stories about TPP. Even though the looming power grab has now spawned protests around the world, generated a major coalition of some 500 grassroots groups in our country loudly opposing the ripoff deal and has produced an odd-bedfellow, a rare bipartisan alignment of opponents in Congress, there’s been a TV blackout. Could it possibly be that the global conglomerates that own our so-called “news” networks don’t want us knowing what’s up behind TPP’s closed doors?

Let’s do the media’s job for them and find out what’s in this bad deal: The trade hoax Of the document’s 29 chapters, only five address tariffs and other actual trade matters. The other 24 consist of various ways to “free” corporations from any accountability and from any responsibility to the world community’s common good.

Bye-bye “Buy American” TPP dictates that all corporations based in any member nation must be given equal access to the public dollars that any government spends on equipment, food, highway projects, etc.

Thus, our own national, state and local govern-

JIM HIGHTOWER

ments would no longer be free to give preference to suppliers of our choice. “Buy American” and “Buy Local” programs could be challenged by private corporations.

Wall Street rides again!

If anyone doubts this pact is a corporate boondoggle dressed in trade clothes, let them read its shameful financial provisions. Our nation’s financial regulations would have to be “harmonized” to comply with TPP’s extreme deregulation, re-creating the any thing-goes Wall Street ethic that crashed the world economy in 2008.

To help stop this anti-democratic nasty, go to www.exposethetpp.org.

“The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerated the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than the democratic state itself. That in its essence is fascism: ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or any controlling private power.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Marriage Equality Jeb Bush was surprised...

but homophobia is still alive and well...

even within the justice system itself.

March, 2015

But change is happening, and it is inevitable.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Williams Moving to Fox News ‘The Onion’ and Six Brian ‘Brian has an innate Fox News sensibility, he’ll fit right in’ – CEO Roger Ailes NBC news anchorman Brian Williams will “Are you kid ding?” he laughed. “She Other Fake News be moving to Fox News in September, follow- freaked out the base and confirmed their deepest Websites to Close ing his current six-month suspension. Williams’ fears. Instead we got her a new hairdo, shinier “World insanity is beyond our writers’ imaginations,” says Onion fake news editor.

CHICAGO – “The Onion” managing editor, Russell Sprouts, announced today that the well-known fake news outlet was shut ting down im me di ately. Six other prominent sites said they would also be closing.

“No one can tell the difference between real and fake news anymore, so what’s the point?” say website editors.

“We can’t keep up any more,” said Sprouts, speaking for the group. “Reality itself has become so insane that it is no longer possible to distinguish between fake news and legitimate headlines.”

Sprouts referred to a recent case – or is it? – when a man who kicked a kitten to death was acquitted on grounds of self-defense.

“Or how about the naked woman,” he continued, “who got stuck in a chimney stalking her boyfriend? They had to take the house down. Real or a joke? How about PETA enrolling Sarah Palin’s dog in a domestic abuse program?”

But Humor Times editor James Israel said that, nonetheless, they would not be closing their doors, despite what he called Sprout’s “soggy green-faced drippiness.”

Then the beleaguered editor added: “Yeah, satire is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it. And it costs money. So don’t forget to contribute to our fundraiser. No joke!”

By Michael Egan, Humor Times Senior Soggy Green-Faced Correspondent.

credibility fizzled after he confessed that the helicopter he was traveling in was not shot down during the Iraq War, as he has often claimed.

“Ly i n ’ Brian should fit in here just fine,” said no to riously cyn i cal Fox News CEO Roger Ailes at a news conference today. “We regularly lie and misrepresent, of course – in fact, it’s our founding policy, written right there into our Mission Statement. The better and more convincingly our shills fabricate, distort and insinuate, the more they are rewarded.”

Ailes continued: “For instance, America has long forgotten Megyn Kelly’s flat-out lie during the midterm elections, about Colorado’s mail-in ballot law. That’s because it came from Fox. People know we make things up.”

In October 2014, soft-porn model and Foxy News host Megyn Kelly reported sensationally that “a new law” in Colorado “literally allows residents to print ballots from their home computers,” leading to “possible voter fraud.” (The Kelly File 10.21.14).

But it turned out that there was no such law.

Residents could not print their own ballots at home. No voter fraud ever took place.

Ailes noted however that unlike Brian Williams, Kelly was neither suspended nor fired nor even censured.

lip stick and moved her pro gram to the top.”

“O ’ R e i l l y a n d Hannity were pissed as hell,” he said, “and reminded me in no uncertain terms that they were much big ger, better and more effective liars than Megyn, which is perfectly true. Thanks largely to them, 30% of Americans still believe Obama is a Muslim born in Kenya and that Saddam Hussein possessed WMDs.” “But let’s face it,” Ailes continued, “neither of them is as cute as Megyn, so they’ll have to get by with out new hair dos. God knows Hannity needs it, though.”

Ailes concluded by noting that among Brian Williams’ pluses were his good looks – “a little something for the ladies,” – and the fact that, despite the current scandal, he could actually bring credibility and even a sheen of integrity to Fox News.

“Look, what he said wasn’t lying by our standards,” Ailes stressed. “It was just a war story, and like a fishing story, everyone exaggerates those.”

Ailes laughed again. “Maybe we’ll team Williams up with his good friend, Jon Stewart. I hear he’s also looking for a new job. Now there’s a guy who knows how to fib with a straight face.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Woman Claims to Have Never Been Raped by Bill Cosby ‘A highly unlikely fabrication,’ says Cosby historian/expert.

NEW YORK – In a 1500-word op-ed published in the New York Times today, Jackie Stelnick, a New York socialite and five-year acquaintance of Bill Cosby, claims to have never been sexually assaulted by the 86-year-old comedian.

“I gives her the roofie, see, soon the little cutie is snoozie-woozie-puttootie-zooie!”

“Despite having been in his presence at least twice over the past five years, for some reason I was never raped, molested or even drugged by Bill Cosby,” wrote Stelnick.

Mul ti ple sources have con firmed that Stelnick is young, attractive and indeed a member of the female sex, which only makes her assertions all the more surprising.

“We’re currently in the process of contacting Mr. Cosby and his lawyers in order to corroborate Ms. Stelnick’s fantastic story, and to learn how this could have possibly happened,” said New York State’s Attorney Jim Weiss.

At press time, Stelnick had received 3 texts from Bill Cosby asking to discuss things over a glass of wine at his place.

Reported by J Crock.

Doctors Recommend 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’ Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV? You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece.

“A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Fee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and I could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least have a sliver of

their happiness. That’s the beauty of social media.”

A leading psychiatrist and forerunner in this newly growing field, Dr. Sal Fee, has just released his new book entitled The Selfie-Worth Guide: “How to go from zero to pretty good in no time.”

“These perfect little snapshots are like small de pos its into what I c all ‘the bank of self-worth,’” Dr. Fee revealed. “If a person is a real goose egg, sorry, zero when it comes to life then all they have to do is join social media and, within hours, can increase their personal value exponentially.

“And that’s something solid too – something they can trust. I mean, why rely on feelings,

which are fickle anyway, when you can rely on something that will be there forever – like Facebook?”

By Jeff Boldt, Hu mor Times Se nior Six Selfies-a-Day Correspondent.

Concerned Fox News Hosts Unsure if Shows Qualify as Satire

Smart Home Threatens Owners with Eviction

NEW YORK CITY – Alarmed Fox News satire, it’s definitely ‘bring your gun to work hosts recently engaged in a heated discussion week’ at Fox News,” proclaimed Hannity. “If over whether the content the network produces you walk into my studio with a turban, you may might qualify as satire, and want to keep your hands there fore open Fox News where I can see them.” employees up to attacks by Former host of The Beck anti-free speech groups, Fac tor, Glenn Beck, apsuch the rad i cal Is lamic peared on The Van Sustern group responsible for the reFactor with host Greta Van cent Charlie Hebdo massaSustern to voice his concerns cre. that satire is simply too diffi“The definition of satire cult for the average person to is very concrete,” said Bill identify.

O ’ R e i l l y, ho s t o f T he “I think we should defiO’Reilly Factor, “In that it is O’Reilly: “If what we do is satire, you nitely ask ourselves if satire nearly undefinable. But if can bet we do it better than anyone.” should even be le gal to what we do at Fox News is satire, you can bet make,” Beck argued. “Did you know that satire we do it better than anyone else.” is actually banned in 32 countries? So tell me Sean Hannity, host of The Hannity Factor, this – if satire is too dangerous for more than first raised the question of whether or not the two-thirds of the world’s nations, then why are network was engaging in satire soon after learn- we allowing it here? Your move, Obama.” ing of the Charlie Hebdo attacks.

By Sal Kingfisher, HT Senior Fake News “Whether or not what we do here qualifies as That’s Supposed to Be Real Correspondent.

Smart homes have been around for a couple of decades now. Special wiring and technological advances allow the homes to take care of just about every aspect of running the home from round-the-clock automatic cleaning and dusting to securing the perimeter of the home against pests and intruders.

The internal system of one smart home in Bay Harbor, Michigan has actually evolved to the point where it has begun ridiculing the owners for less than model behavior.

In the past year, the Johnsons claim living in the home has been somewhat less than ideal, complaining that the automatic system nicknamed “Alice” has taken to nagging on every little thing.

“We used to be able to come and go as we pleased,” said John Johnson, “but lately, if I’m the least bit late getting home from work, I’m met at the door by Alice’s voice asking me if I know what time dinner is at the Johnson household.”

Peg Johnson has been told more than once to

Andy Borowitz Appointed First Professor of Fake News at Harvard CAMBRIDGE – Andy Borowitz, senior fake news correspond e n t a t T h e Ne w Yorker, has been appointed Harvard University’s first Professor Nuntium Non Genuina Spoofitus (Professor of Double-Take Journalism).

Borowitz will begin his duties in October, initially teaching two courses: “Comedy is

12

Hard, Lying is Easy,” and “How to Get Laid as a Journalistic Celebrity.” This last course is an elective, but is already oversubscribed.

“We’re delighted to have Mr. Borowitz on board,” said Journalism Department Chair, Prof.

M.S. Word, “though we’re not sure whether we should take his acceptance letter seriously. Perhaps he made it up.”

Prof. Word added: “However, should he actually show up in October, our students will benefit tremendously from his matchless ability to lie outrageously with a straight face. This skill

alone could lead to a lucrative career in TV journalism – look, if you can bear to, at Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Brian Williams.

“Most of today’s genuine headlines,” the professor explained, “are so unbelievable – I mean, Jeb Bush could actually be elected president! – that Andy’s famous bullshit detector is worth the price of admission alone. I bet there are some people who even thought for a moment that this report might be true.”

By Michael Egan, HT Senior Real News Hidden in Fake News Correspondent.

HUMOR TIMES

“go back up stairs y oung l ady and change t hose clothes. You will not l eave t hi s house l ook i ng l i ke a tramp,” and David John son has not been able to find his car keys for well over a week ever since he came home past curfew smelling like beer.

The last straw came when the family received a summons to appear in Court to explain why the Smart Home should not evict them.

For the time being, the Johnson family is staying home and laying low. They are doing everything the Smart Home expects of them, but Mary Johnson says it is wearing thin.

In a whisper, with her face away from the eye-spy camera in the corner of the room, Mary said, “If I have to iron one more tablecloth, I’m going to lose my mind.”

By P. Beckert, Humor Times Senior Robot Correspondent.

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy, MD, warned readers today that the Humor Times was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting weaker stomachs.

“While it does continue to make an awesome gift, we advise you to be careful, America,” she cautioned.

March, 2015

Economy The rich love sharing...

and Google is at the forefront.

They need more and more. And more...

and they’re draining the middle class to get it.

Meanwhile, OPEC is preying on our weaknesses...

and putting on the pressure...

as our infrastructure crumbles.

March, 2015

Whatever happened to the American Dream?

HUMOR TIMES

13

Dems Republicans gained a big advantage...

by taking over both houses of Congress.

They’re not showing the prez any love...

and would love to bury his agenda.

Meanwhile, drones have been karmically harassing him...

but the Secret Service is on the job...

which is worrisome...

14

considering the quality of their work lately.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

Repubs Mitt gave it the old college try...

and Christie wants some love...

it never seems to work.

but no matter how hard they try...

They need a strategy to win back the White House...

but they come off like a carful of clowns.

and totally consistent.

They’re nothing if not persistent...

March, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

15

Environment Climate change denier Sen. Inhofe is now in charge...

and even Obama is denying a problem with his drilling policies.

and try to avoid the worst of it.

So it’s up to citizen activists to sound the alarm...

In a sense, we will have three major “parties” in 2016 – the Republicans, Democrats, and the Koch brothers. We'll call the latter the Koch Brothers Party, or KBP (any resemblance to the old Soviet KGB is purely coincidental).

– Thomas Magstadt, NationofChange, January 28, 2015 16

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

SOTU

Unwanted Guest

Obama gave his State of the Union address in January...

Speaker Boehner is full of surprises...

and just about everybody on the right gave their response.

March, 2015

and invited Netanyahu to give a speech to Congress.

Joni Ernst was quite earnest...

He may have given the Israeli PM the wrong impression...

but despite the smiles, the GOP was horrified.

and Boehner’s judgement may be somewhat lacking.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2015

March, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

19

California Stage Presents a World Premiere

MAGIC DARTS & BILLIARDS

Italian Opera A hilarious comedy, local playwright Leslie Lewinter-Suskind's zany sendup Italian Opera roasts the art, the business, and everything in between.

This operetta will feature Michael RJ Campbell and Elly Award-winning actress Janet Motenko among others.

Has Moved!

Runs through March 22nd!

California Stage in the R25 Arts Complex aa 25th & R St, Midtown • Easy free parking available • 916-451-5822

$20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, military, students & SARTA members. $12.00 for groups of 6 or more.

Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes!

Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice!

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding.

• • • •

Darts Pool Cues Dice & Dice Cups A Large Selection of Plastic Playing Cards • Poker Chips & Tables and Much More!

916-334-2567 • 5154 Auburn Blvd.

(Just a few blocks from our old location) Hours: 10-5 Mon-Fri • 12-5 Sat & Sun www.a-zdarts.com

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816

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Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!