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May, 2015
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May, 2015
Editor’s Letter In the middle of a record drought, how much sense does it make to let oil companies use billions of gallons of precious water to frack, then inject a toxic stew of carcinogenic chemicals and poisoned water back into our aquifers? How much sense does it make to let corporations suck water out of those depleted aquifers and sell it at a huge profit all over the world? When our landfills and oceans are suffocating in a sea of plastic, how much sense does it make to drink what is essentially tap water from plastic bottles, paying an exorbitant markup for the privilege? Ah, the miracle of capitalism. It makes us do crazy things, like spoiling our air and water – which, by the way, if you haven’t heard, we need to survive – all so some already stinking rich folk can get ever wealthier. No, I’m not advocating communism, and I’m not a Luddite. But history shows the only way capitalism can work as a viable economic model is if it is strictly regulated. Our forefathers founded this country for we the people, not “them the corporations.” Democracy is about the will of said people, not corporate “persons,” nor a few elite one-tenth of one-percenters, who now freely buy our elections and basically employ our so-called “representatives” for their own nefarious purposes. And yes, meeting our basic needs should be facilitated by the government we create: Things like our water, power, health care, public spaces, law enforcement, defense, disaster response (including fire), the airwaves and our communication structure (including internet) should be controlled by us, not faceless bureaucrats we don’t elect. These public institutions make up what you could call a “socialistic” element that societies have always had, so don’t be afraid of the word. The private entities that would like to control this rightfully public sphere want you to be afraid of the word “socialism” and all its derivatives, but don’t be fooled. A profit-driven enterprise will never have our welfare as a priority – only profit itself. To let such corporate creations control a basic need like water is asking for big trouble, as has been shown all over the world in recent decades. Privatization of public resources has always been a bad idea, and it’s high time we it rolled back – all the way. – James Israel Editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 24, Issue 280, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2015. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
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Nuking the Nuke Deal Obama has been negotiating with Iran...
and his Sec. of State reports real progress...
saying they need to use any leverage they can.
But the deal does not please congressional hawks...
who have their own ideas.
Republicans say it’s a dangerous fantasy...
but the prez is all in.
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Meanwhile, warmongers are ready to fight, sort of.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
Urgent Delivery
Parched
A citizen had an important message to deliver...
It’s a slow-motion disaster in California...
and White House security reacted appropriately. but you wouldn’t know it...
But the little guy never gets the benefit of the doubt... by some folks’ actions.
like the big boys do. But it could get real bad, real soon.
May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
5
Bolting Colts & Wagging Nags “And They’re Almost Off.” Yes, the entrance to the 2016 Presidential Derby has officially been flung open wider than the gap between George Bernard Shaw and Pee Wee Herman. Backstage at the Bolshoi Ballet and the snack bar adjacent to the Professional Bowlers Association Hall of Fame gift shop. Horseshoes and mirrors. At the Republican Leadership Summit in New Hampshire, various contenders staggered out to the starting gate testing the footing of the track with cries of trainers still ringing in their ears: “the race may be many things, but it is not a sprint. A marathon. A steeplechase. A twisted cross-country endurance run on a course designed by masochists, fueled by obscene amounts of cash and overseen by clowns and contortionists. But not a sprint.” Establishing position on the far outside rail, Doctor Senator Indian Chief Rand Paul, followed in the hoof prints of Ted Cruz by announcing his candidacy for the 2016 GOP nomination wearing the red, white and blue silks of the Tea Party. And visually, the race promises to get awfully giddy with those colors. Paul tied his campaign to defeating Congress. Which is odd, since he is a member. Track touts might describe this attack as a patriotic form of self-loathing. But in his stable, this is referred to as expedient positioning. AKA: sucking up to the punters. Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, not RuPaul, has chosen the slogan, “Defeat the Washington Machine. Unleash the American Dream” — at least 11 syllables too long for your typical spectator’s attention span. Might as well be a racing form printed in Greek. From a barn in the deep wrinkled shadows of America’s dangling appendage comes Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who claims to be running as the young whippersnapping colt come to steal the reins of government back from those old nags who refuse
to throw off the saddle. No names. (Jeb and Hillary.) The 43 year-old son of Cuban immigrants is camera-ready but untested, with the gravitas of dandelion fuzz. And viewed as vulnerable from his right after suggesting an immigration compromise, which ticked off hardliners in the Party-of-No so badly, they nearly dropped a wreath of burning crosses. The good news for Rubio is he doesn’t have to worry about peaking too early. Nosing around the paddock contemplating a 2016 stretch run are almost 20 more potential entrants including a gaggle of governors, a female CEO and some guy with aerodynamic hair. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose both sire and mare are first time breeders, the Koch Brothers, is not only chomping at the bit but also taking nips at field favorites. Donald Trump has officially announced plans to form an exploratory committee that will investigate the possibility of him considering a run. Why? Because America needs decisive leadership, that’s why. The publicity-seeking dandy donkey vows to make a decision in June or July, or whenever NBC decides to premiere the new edition of his silly reality show. In the other closely watched contest, the 2016 Democratic Sweepstakes, the only entree so far is that old warhorse, Hillary Clinton, who could very well win in a walk. But don’t lose track of long shot Bernie Sanders who looks to be setting up a table near the final stretch, piled high with monkey wrenches and whips. FAQ: Religious Freedom Restoration Act Q. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. What’s the big deal? A. Two years ago, the US Supreme Court mandated that Indiana had to recognize same-sex marriages, essentially saying
WILL DURST
“Like it or lump it.” This is them lumping it. Q. Would Senate Bill 101 really allow Christians to discriminate against homosexuals? A. Critics maintain the law protects religions from being sued for actions related to their beliefs. The problem is not everyone in Indiana is a Christian. This legislation could also provide Quakers the right to refuse to sell furniture to anyone wearing a zipper. Muslim ice cream shop owners would not be required to serve waffle cones to women. Q. Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Where’s the problem? A. Hoosier Wiccans also praised the law claiming it allows them to marry horses. Q. Like to see that wedding cake. What exactly is a Hoosier? A. Nobody knows; but in the early 1800s it was generally used to describe a bunch of yokels. Meant as an insult, it was taken on by native Indianans as a form of mocking self-tribute until it lost its negative connotations. Kind of like Oklahomans with Okies. Or Wisconsinites and Cheeseheads. Q. And now? A. Negative connotations — back with a bullet. Q. Didn’t Clinton sign a Religious Freedom Restoration Act on the federal level in 1993? A. Yes. And it passed the House and the Senate almost unanimously. But that bill was written to prevent governments from interfering with religious practices and focused on freedoms, not discrimination. It’s a new reality show on Fox: “When Good Bills Go Bad.” Q. What has the response been? A. To say there’s been a backlash is like inferring that gravel does not top the list of requested desert toppings. Many artists including Miley Cyrus threatened to cancel concerts. Q. Not too big of a deal, as Ms. Cyrus pulled out of half her dates last year. Anything else? A. Angie’s List canceled an expansion. A groundswell of boycotts. The president of the NCAA even said nasty things and when the NCAA assumes the moral high ground you know you’re in deep doo-doo. Q. Didn’t Arizona try something similar last year? A. Yes. But AZ Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the bill after the NFL threat ened to pull the Super Bowl out of Phoenix. The postal abbreviation AZ seems to stand for Angry Xenophobes. And yes, xenophobe starts with an X. But they don’t know that. Q. Does this mean the NFL trumps the NCAA? A. By a ratio of approximately umpteen gazillion to one. Q. Didn’t Governor Pence write an editorial in the Washing ton Post blam ing Obama Care for this religious freedom law? A. Yes. According to Republicans, it turns out Obama Care is responsible for a variety of maladies, including an abundance of retina detachment in Angus steers, the substandard maple syrup crop in Vermont and blue mold. Q. And what about the so-called “fix”? A. Proponents of the religious freedom law consider the legislative “fix” exactly like how a veterinarian fixes a dog. Q. So, what is Indiana really trying to say? A. “We have the God-given right to be intolerant of people who do not be lieve in our God-given right to be intolerant.” Q. And who can argue with that? A. Indeed. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and cal en dar list ings. Read more at humortimes.com.
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
To Serve and Protect Unjustified police violence seems to be epidemic...
Better training could help...
May, 2015
and the excuses are flimsy.
as well as demilitarizing police departments.
It’s gone much too far...
and you’d think we’d have made more progress.
Sure, policing is a dangerous job...
but transparency is needed.
HUMOR TIMES
7
Freedom to Discriminate Religiously Indiana passed a law that took us backwards...
but the guv said people were over-reacting.
Proponents say they are doing God’s will...
and that they know exactly what that is.
They say Jesus’ message was clear...
so they threw the first stone.
Meanwhile, there’s been a big backlash...
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and some businesses may lose business.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
The Hightower Lowdown Scurrilous Corporate Thieves Are Stealing Workers Comp They say there’s honor among thieves, but I say: That depends on the thieves. Your common street thief, yes — but not those princely CEO’s of corporate larceny. America’s working families have learned the elites in the top suites are rewarded for being pickpockets, swindlers, thugs and scoundrels, routinely committing mass economic violence against the majority of America’s working people to further enrich and empower themselves. But now comes a cabal of about two-dozen corporate chieftains pushing a vicious new campaign of physical violence against workers. The infamous anti-labor bully, Wal-Mart, is among the leaders, but so are such prestigious chains as Macy’s and Nordstrom, along with Lowe’s, Kohl’s and Safeway. Their goal is to gut our nation’s workers compensation program, freeing corporate giants to injure or even kill employees in the workplace without having to cover all (or, in many cases, any) of the lost wages, medical care or burial expenses of those harmed. Started more than 100 years ago, workers comp insurance is one of our society’s most fundamental contracts between injured employees who give up the right to sue their companies for negligence when injured on the job and employers who pay for insurance to cover a basic level of medical benefits and wages for those harmed.
Administered by state governments, benefits vary, and they usually fall far short of meeting the full needs of the injured people. But the program has at least provided an important measure of help and a bit of fairness to assuage the suffering of millions. But even that’s too much for the avaricious thieves atop these multibillion-dollar corporations. Why pay for insuring employees when it’s much cheaper just to buy state legislators who are willing to privatize workers comp? This lets corporations write their own rules of compensation to slash benefits, cut safety costs — and earn thieving CEO’s bigger bonuses. But who, you might ask, would help these corporate crooks in their callous and calculating scheme to rob workers of their hard-earned benefits? Why, that would be the work of ARAWC — the Association for Responsible Alternatives to Workers’ Compensation. When you come across a corporate lobbying group claiming to be pushing “Responsible Alternatives to Such-and-Such,” you can rightly assume that it’s really pushing something totally irresponsible, as well as malicious, shameless, self-serving and even disgusting. Mother Jones magazine reports that ARAWC is a front group funded by these hugely profitable retail chains and corporate behemoths that want to weasel
out of compensating employees who suffer injuries at work. By law, corporations in nearly every state must carry workers comp insurance, but the ARAWC lobbying combine is pressuring legislators to allow the giants to opt-out of the state benefit plans and instead substitute their own, highly restrictive set of benefits. What a deal! But it’s a raw deal for injured workers. In Texas, which already has this write-it-yourself loophole, more than half of the corporate plans — get this — pay nothing to the families of workers who’re killed in job accidents! Similarly, under an ARAWC-written opt-out provision that a Tennessee senator sponsored this year, employers wouldn’t have to cover artificial limbs, home care or even funeral expenses of on-the-job accident victims. Also, the Tennessee bill lets a company simply walk away from maimed workers after just three years or after paying only $300,000 in expenses. Corporations always claim to “value” their employees — and this tells us exactly how little that value is. By the way, the CEO of ARAWC also happens to be the head of “risk management” at the mingiest of workplaces: Wal-Mart. And that’s what this opt-out scam amounts to — corporate profiteers hoping they can manage to escape pay ing for risk ing the lives of Amer ica’s workforce. Yes, this shifty move is a scurrilous crime, but it’s a crime that pays richly for those at the top. And the money can fill the hole in their souls where their honor used to be.
JIM HIGHTOWER
“The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.” – George Bernard Shaw
SOAPBOX! with Jeanie
Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.
Memorial Day
May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Would-Be Pontiff Ted Cruz Turns Blood to Ice Ted Cruz candidacy ‘a Miracle,’ say Tea Party activists Washington, DC — Following reports earlier today that Pope Francis had performed a “miracle” by turning an am u let of dried blood into fluid, would-be secular pontiff Sen. Ted Cruz responded by announcing his own run for the presidency. Throughout the nation, the blood in people’s veins turned miraculously into ice. Friends and even strang ers
Sen. Ted Cruz’s announcement miraculously turns blood into ice.
stopped in their tracks and exchanged glances filled with apprehension. Everyone felt the political climate cool. Obamacare subscribers shuddered. The unemployed trembled. NASA drew its budget closer about its shoulders. “Now tell peo ple to worry about global warming,” Cruz sneered sarcastically after his announcement. “And if you think that the prospect of my becoming president is blood-chilling now,” he added, “just wait till you see what happens after I get elected.” Off to the far-right, insane giggles punctuated by gun fire could be heard. Cruz laughed menacingly again and held up a copy of Green Eggs and Ham. Inside was a blank check signed by the Koch brothers, the oil industry, and Sheldon Adelson. “Sam I am,” he said. “Or anyone else these heroes of American industry want me to be.” Reported by Michael Egan, Senior Miraculous Candidate Correspondent.
‘We’ll see Hillary’s $2.5B and raise it $5B,” Charles Koch laughed, opening his small-change purse WASHINGTON, DC – Hillary Clinton’s recent vow to raise $2.5B in campaign funds to match the GOP’s donors was greeted with skepticism and amuse ment among the big-money men yesterday. “First of all, we run 99% of the economy,” laughed Charles Koch, co -o w n er wi th his brother Da vid of the GOP. Recently, the two pur chased Wis con sin governor Scott Walker to head up their PR department. “So we’ll see her two-point five,” he went on, “and raise it another five billion!” Lighting a cigar with a five-dollar bill, Koch added: “You think we’re bluffing? Go ahead and call our bet. Or better yet, raise it. Do you peasants seriously expect to outspend us? For every little five you throw in” — he tossed his own charred Lincoln into the trash — “we’ll come up with another 20, 40, a hundred, and hardly notice it.” Koch pointed out that the media will never seriously support campaign financial reform because in the end they get most of the billions spent. “Besides,” he added, “we own almost all the TV, radio and newspaper companies – well, Rupert does, which is the same thing.” Already, Fox News is dutifully floating the idea of a qualified franchise. Mighty intellects like Ann Coul ter, George Will and Sean Hannity are advocating “information tests” to
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weed out the ignorant. Anyone, for example, who thought there were no death panels under the slavery of Obamacare would be instantly disqualified. Koch said that it was “extremely frustrating” for Big Money to be cheated out of the presidency time and again. “De spite our huge ad van tages,” he said, “there remains a stubborn majority of Americans who simply refuse to vote against their own interests and that of the country. No matter how much we spend on lies, untruths, innuendos, stupid sneering jokes, factual distortions and personal attacks, damned if they don’t just keep voting the wrong way. We one-percenters all agree, something must be done.” A “strong sentiment” was growing among the one-percent, Koch noted, that the problem is Democracy itself. Exactly who “We the People” really are needs to thoroughly re-examined by the Supreme Court, and an appropriate redefinition established. “The notion of three-fifths of a person, for example, which is among the Constitution’s most cherished originalist principles, needs to be revived,” said Koch. Though this might cut the Supreme Court’s conservative majority to four and three-fifths, “that should still be enough,” he said. Reported by Michael Egan.
White South African Refugees Flood Into US ‘Cops gunning Blacks down in the street make us so nostalgic for Dr Verwoerd,’ say apartheid lovers TUCSON, AZ – Following the recent wave of police killings in the U.S., thousands of white South Africans described as ‘Mandela refugees’ are flooding across America’s southern borders in search of a new apartheid state. Authorities in Arizona, Mis souri and Texas say they are welcom e and wi l l be quickly settled. “ T h e se a r e o u r broth ers, man,” said Limp Dickswell, mayor Dr H. F. Verwoerd. of Pothole, AZ. “It’s not like they’re six-year old Mexican drug mules with cantaloupes for thighs.” “They’re just normal, God-fearing racists who know how to run a white, segregated state. We look forward to learning from them.” Undocumented white South African immigrant, Tiny Braincell, said he was grateful for the U.S.’s current border policies because they meant that he and his family could stay. “Every one knows only Mexicans get deported,” he said. “We’re so white and Christian and racist we’ll blend into the South like piss in a horse bucket. That’s one of our quaint little expressions.” “I wanna pack some heat, and soon,” Tiny said. “You never know when some Black thug will play his car music too loud. Hey, there’s a gun store.” Reported by Michael Egan.
Scandal Street: Bill Cosby Sings with the Muppets With Donald Trump making fresh sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby recently, an appearance on Sesame Street was never in the cards – or was it? Yes, it was. A video posted to the official Sesame Street channel on YouTube shows Cosby discussing the word ‘surprise’ with Elmo, the beloved Muppet. It’s far from the first time that we’ve seen the performer appear in family-friendly entertainment – but it’s certainly evidence of how much Bill Cosby craves the limelight. One of the ways that Sesame Street has managed to stay relevant over the course of its astounding history is its use of celebrities and public figures. These appearances successfully keep the show in the public eye and maintain its
reputation as a cultural touchstone of American society. In the clip, Cosby performs a few “surprising” magic tricks to help break down the meaning of the word in a fun way. The 77-year-old waves his magic wand to make a wine glass appear, pulls an unlabelled bottle out of his hat, pours liberally, and then asks Elmo to take a sip. Two hours later, after the puppet wakes from his slumber, Cosby sings “Denial” with the loveable red rogue, Bert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouch and Grover. The upbeat song teaches children how to avoid getting caught for harmless crimes. The lyrics are: “At home I can do whatever I please. I can speak to ladies, make them tremble at the knees. In the morning, if she starts to cry,
look bewildered, just deny, d e n y, deny.” A nnouncing i t s r elease, the comedian posted the video on his Twitter page before adding: “Filmed that in half an hour, happy it’s finally out. Time for a drink with the guys. First round’s on you, Big Bird.” Within hours the three minute video had been viewed more than 280,000 times. Reported by John Glynn.
Pizza Store Owners Rush to Cash In on Gay Discrimination
to make the following changes to Penal Code, Section 39: a) The abominable crime against nature known as sodomy is a monstrous evil that Almighty God commands us to suppress. Mimosas and migas, two fuels that feed the ferocious fire, must be banned. b) Logically, undeniably, it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God’s just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating a sea of pink polo shirts. However, if the instigator is a member of the Catholic Church, he is above mortal law, only answerable to our maker. c) Every offender shall be fined $1 million and/or shipped off to Saudi Arabia. When asked to describe his new TV show, McLaughlin said, “If Saul Goodman met Fred Phelps and went dancing with Joseph Stalin, it wouldn’t come close to what you’ll see. Why now – why not? Why me – who else?” Reported by John Glynn.
ISIS Now Going in One Direction Zayn Malik admits that even he was surprised by the worldwide reaction to his announcement that he was leaving One Direction to join ISIS. The 22-year-old said that the decision to leave the band’s ‘Manufactured Superstars’ tour, return home to London, buy a headscarf, sell his pet flamingo, cancel his Netflix subscription, and subsequently quit the band – has left him “feeling quite excited.” “It is crazy, wild, all a bit mad,” he admitted in an interview with Death to the West, a prime
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Hillary’s Promised $2.5B Greeted with Amusement by Super Wealthy
LA Controversial: “Kill the Gays” Initiative Author Offered Reality Show The lawyer who put the in fa mous “Kill the Gays” initiative on the ballot in California, which calls for the death of any one caught engaging in sodomy in the Golden Shower State, is in the news again — he has just been offered his own LA based, reality TV show. Matt McLaughlin, 45, will team up with producer Cindy Cowan to develop a docu-series chronicling his fight to have the bill passed. The docu-series sees McLaughlin hilariously tap into Russian and Ugandan lingo in seeking to ban “anal violation.” If found guilty, in the words of the man himself, a “gay cruiser could be fined up $1 million per occurrence and/or up to 10 years in prison and/or banishment from ever attending another Sunday brunch.” McLaughlin ti tled his ini tia tive as the “Backdoor Banishment Act,” and he proposes
Headline News Section
time chat show on the increasing popular ISIS network. “But at the same time, thankfully, I passed the Skype interview, so I’ve never felt more content in my life.” According to a sample contract emailed by a head recruiter at the terrorist organization, Malik will play a “public-service role,” mainly delivering food and headlining karaoke nights.
WALKERTON, IN — Pizza stores in the (Anti-Gay Send Me Some Money) movement U.S. are hastening to join the anti-gay move- in droves. A new website, NoAssPirations.com, ment after Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indi- lists more than 327 Italian-style restaurants naana, re ceived nearly a tion wide, to gether with million dollars in donatheir PayPal accounts. tions so far from Christian A link on StonemAll bigots everywhere. .com allows anti-gay Jews Dough diva Crys tal to contribute to delis and O’Connor came under fire other ko sher es tab lishlast week after saying that ments who don’t like to he r re li gious be lie fs s e r v e wh a t t h e y c a l l wouldn’t allow her to ca“fegaleh.” ter a gay wed ding. A “I would n’t touch a gofundme.com site benefegaleh’s foreskin with a fitting the restaurant has The O’Connors with “religious freedom” loot. for ceps,” said Schande raised more than $800,000 in support, and dona- Gesundheit alliteratively, owner of the Tel Aviv tions are still rolling in. Kosher Pizza in Akron, Ohio. “Not to say a cir“We’re back in the legal discrimination busi- cumcised sissy’s scrotum.” ness!” Ms O’Connor and her husband Kevin exShe added that gay Jewish men are known as ulted. “So the gays can go f*ck themselves. Heblews, and that the Yiddish aphorism, “Kush They just can’t get married before they do it, mir in tochas” (“Apply your lips and tongue to and certainly not while eating our pizzas.” my derriere”), is of course sarcastic and in no Excited U.S. pizza-store owners, and even way an invitation. some bak er ies, are join ing the AGSMSM Ms Gesundheit said that, “Cash donations of $100 or more earn you a Gay Gesund, a pink Apart from his Call of Duty experiences, pickle so disgusting no one could possibly put it Malik has never been in a warzone, but his ide- in their mouths. Five hundred dollars or more ology is simple: He wants to help the Muslim gets you the Oy Gevalt. You don’t even want to world. He intends never to return to One Direc- look at that. Those are for, like, Elton John or tion or “the celebrity rat race.” Liberace.” Louis, his ex-bandmate from One Direction, Ms Gesundheit went on to note proudly that after hearing about Malik’s decision to join a Jewish mothers with marriageable daughters ‘new group,’ took a very strident tone. “Yes, have always been against gays. Hollywood regularly ridicules Islam and Mus“What a waste,” she said. “So please ask lims, but the money is awesome. Also, Zayed, your readers if they know of any straight, unremember this: good luck trying to get a Venti, married Jewish doctors. Or how about a lawyer? non-fat, no foam, 6 pump, extra hot, chai tea Have I got a girl for you!” latte in Syria at 8am on a Sunday morning.” Reported by Michael Egan. Reported by John Glynn.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
Economy
Environment
It’s hard to make a living these days...
McConnell continues to represent his paying customers...
so it pays to be creative.
but there is no real defense for being a fossil fool.
The super-rich are complaining too... That doesn’t mean they’ll give up, though.
but Washington has their back.
May, 2015
Meanwhile, back in the Gulf...
HUMOR TIMES
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Game of Thrones, Part I Hillary is taking a new angle this time...
running as a candidate of the people.
Her handlers want to soften her image...
and Democrats are excited.
Some say it’ll be easy...
but she’s taking nothing for granted.
Certainly, Hillary faces some staunch opposition...
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which is why she has to make smart choices.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
Game of Thrones, Part II Republicans are amped up for a presidential run...
and they are united – for now.
the Frankenstein...
There’s the “Libertarian”...
the governor...
and the favorite.
They are ready to revive the brand... and give ’em hell.
May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
15
Sports Football season may be over... but players are still pumping iron.
Now it’s NBA playoff season...
and time for some relaxing baseball.
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
Miscellaneous Mischief
May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
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More Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2015
May, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
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