Humor Times, July 2015

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July, 2015

Editor’s Letter With Bernie Sanders running for the Democratic nomination for president, we finally have a real people’s voice in a major party’s race. It’s a welcome and much-needed contrast to the “Dynastic Duo” – yet another Clinton vs Bush battle.

Oh, but Bernie is that most dreaded of all things, say some – a *gasp* – “socialist”! Well, “Democratic Socialist,” as Mr. Sanders likes to chasten.

But, my, my – isn’t a socialist as bad as a communist, which is as bad as a fascist, which is as bad as Nazi?

Well, no, they’re all very different things. Sanders likes to point out that the system he’s aiming for is something similar to what they have in Scandinavian countries: nationalized health care, guaranteed education, a minimum income, care for the elderly, national parks, etc.

We already have some “socialist” elements in our system of government: Social Security, national parks and other public spaces, public roads, fire and police departments, and so on.

What people like Bernie Sanders advocate is simply increasing the amount of our economy that is run for the public good by the government. In my view, anything that is truly a basic need should be socialized. Otherwise, the profit motive will corrupt it. Health care is the perfect example.

Do you think the "redistribution of wealth" is a bad idea? Then, maybe we shouldn't have let it happen over the last 30 years! It's been redistributed to the top 1% over that time. So, it's time to RE-redistribute it, back to the working class, who are the ones responsible for creating that wealth in the first place, with their hard work!

In the Declaration of Independence, our forefathers stated that we have the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” and “that to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.” Indeed, a major reason for instituting a democratic system of government is so that it will serve “we, the people.”

And we, as the people, continue to define and refine what that means. These are lofty goals.

So why not strive to create a society where no one has to suffer, where everyone can pursue their dreams without fear of poverty, sickness and persecution?

If you’re afraid of the word “socialism,” don’t worry, even a President Sanders would not be able to transform our system by himself. But I think someone like him could help steer us away from the most destructive effects of capitalism and toward a more humane, just society. And what would be so bad about that?

– James Israel, Editor

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Republican Marathon It seems the entire Republican party is lining up...

making it hard to differentiate oneself.

There is one who stands out...

but can he attract the most important votes?

Candidates must all profess their belief...

in order to be blessed from above.

The latest Bush to run for president faces a big hurdle...

4

HUMOR TIMES

and will have to be creative. (continued)

July, 2015

Marathon (conclusion)

Transracial Rachel Dolezal doesn’t understand...

Luckily a savior has entered the race...

one who is much adored... why people have an issue with her choosing her race.

and who speaks the words the 1% long to hear.

It’s all about how you perceive yourself...

Buckle up, America, it’s going to be a ground-shaking ride.

even if the rest of the world thinks you’re a poser.

July, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

5

Red Pope/Green Pope He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3-inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie.

At first it was his general commie pink yellow rat bastard predilection for focusing on the poor. “The poor. The poor. Why is it with him, always got to be about the goldarn poor.” But now the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio has issued an encyclical that claims humans are responsible for global warming. Did he not get the memo? Listen close and you can hear Mitch McConnell echo Henry II, “Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?”

An encyclical sounds like half an encyclopedia or what happens when a bicycle pushes the edge of the envelope, but in reality, it’s the farthest a Pope can go without playing the infallibility card. A distinct possibility when the Head of the Catholic Church is intent on making a stink. Being infallible is the Vatican’s superpower. But something the smart Big Miters save for when they really really need it. Infallibility is not something you whip out in line at the grocery store. Like truffles, a little bit goes a long way.

In his 180-page “Laudato Si,” or “Be Praised,” the 267th Bishop of Rome’s (give or take a few) initial solo effort at a treatise, Francis calls on Catholics to make safeguarding the environment and battling climate change a top priority and couches saving the planet in moral terms. Which the GOP sees as a threat to everything they stand for and akin to waving a red flag in front of bull, papal or otherwise.

This move into environmentalism has prompted some sup-

porters to call him the Green Pope, but conservatives increasingly refer to him as Comrade Francis, the Red Pope. But hey, wasn’t there another Christian guy who focused on the problems of the poor? What was his name, oh yeah, Christ. Whatever happened to him?

The big dilemma is how to respond. You can’t dismiss the Pope as a tree-hugging hippie liberal. He’s the Pope. Difficult to attack a man that 16% of the planet considers the vocal chords of the Big Angry Daddy in the Sky. A lobbyist for Arch Coal did rebuke him for not endorsing fossil fuels as a solution to poverty.

Seriously. You can’t make stuff up like this.

Catholic Rick Santorum objected to the papal paper, saying “we should leave the science to the scientists.” Unh-hunh. And then what, ignore them? Santorum is guy who doesn’t believe in evolution, and ironically, he is his own best argument. Then remember the Argentinian Pontiff is a chemist by trade and Santorum’s argument grows weaker than a lovesick songbird in Beijing.

But the Pope needs to be careful. If he doesn’t cool it with the focus on the least fortunate, the party that conducts rigorous experiments to guide camels through the eyes of needles will declare him Public Enemy #1. Easy to imagine Fox News blaming the Vatican for everything from illegal immigration, the death of Vince Foster and Benghazi.

The 10 Major Advantages and Disadvantages to Being an Aging Baby Boomer Population scientists describe the Baby Boom generation as anybody born between the years 1946 and 1964. Which means

WILL DURST

the youngest of the Baby Boomers turned 50 last year, and the oldest will turn 70 next year. Which is just so wrong. We Boomers are the architects of the youth culture. We invented young people for crum’s sakes. We’re the Pepsi Generation … that had a minor fling with Coke.

But fear not. As we evidenced throughout the entirety of our flower-powered history, this autumn of our lives will be charged into with unwavering optimism, a firm commitment to affect positive change and pockets full of drugs.

The first item of business that needs to be put in order is the nomenclature. Is it really necessary to refer to us as elderly seniors winding down our golden years? We’re vintage. Classic. Enduring. Seasoned. Steadfast. Resilient. Ripe. And accumulating ripagosity every day.

But all you kids out there shouldn’t think that growing old is all gloom and doom. No. No. No. There’s an equal amount of marvelous traveling hand in hand with the gruesome. Compare for yourself, the 10 major advantages and disadvantages, plus one, of being an aging baby boomer.

10 Major Disadvantages to Being an Aging Baby Boomer: 11. Exorbitant cost of replacement parts.

10. Sex and drugs and rock and roll and now naps.

9. When acid flashbacks meet dementia. On Prozac.

8. Really difficult to work up any nostalgia for rotary phones.

7. Turns out that old adage was right: the good DO die young.

Which explains why we’re still here.

6. Your children are no longer reliable sources when it comes to tech support and all the grandchildren have lost the ability to pick up a phone.

5. Grandma’s field of butterflies tattoo is now a flock of pterodactyls.

4. Looking at Harold & Maude from Ruth Gordon’s point of view – not Bud Cort’s.

3. Rumors abound that despite the name, sexagenarians, alas, don’t really engage in a lot of sex.

2. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, getting old means doing the same things you always did, with constantly varying results.

1. No jet packs.

10 Major Advantages to Being an Aging Baby Boomer: 11. Fewer peers means less peer pressure and it diminishes every day.

10. The phrase: “lifetime supply” be comes a much more imaginable concept.

9. Always one ear hair so long and thick you can cut cheese with it.

8. In hostage situations, chances are you’ll be among the first released.

7. No longer have to worry about being the fresh young thing in prison. Sweet.

6. Knees are better at predicting the weather than that guy on TV. 5. Just saying “irritable bowel syndrome” creeps young people out so much they go away.

4. Can always tell people the battery in your hearing aid is shorting out, even when you’re not wearing a hearing aid.

3. Totally lack the energy and often for get to keep life long grudges active.

2. The Rolling Stones can be heard in elevators.

1. Going to the bathroom 3 times a night turns out to be a highly effective means of home security.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings. Read more of Will Durst at humortimes.com.

6

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2015

The Prez and His Wannabe Successor It was a first in the Obama era...

but negotiations with his own party were tricky...

and dangerous.

And speaking of danger, there’s still Iraq.

Meanwhile, Hillary is pulling out all the stops...

and she will do whatever she has to do.

But she faces a perception problem...

July, 2015

and doesn’t want a repeat of 2008.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Econ 101 We’ve got to bridge the gap...

Graduates face a rough ride...

in more ways than one.

and benevolent employers say you’re lucky to have a job.

Meanwhile, reforms are needed...

and qualified people are needed.

But don’t you worry...

8

because the economy is soaring!

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown A Letter Carrier’s Special Delivery to Congress Neither rain nor sleet nor snow – nor even the likelihood that he’d be killed en route – could stop this letter carrier from making his appointed rounds.

Doug Hughes is one gutsy and creative mailman. In April, this rural letter carrier from Florida stunned the Secret Service, eluded federal aviation authorities, embarrassed Washington’s haughty all-seeing security hierarchy and threw members of Congress into a chaotic panic. Hughes did all this by boldly flying his tiny, homemade, gyrocopter right through the heart of our nation’s most restricted airspace, then landing it on the front lawn of the U.S. Capitol.

Far from a terrorist or a kook, Hughes was just a mailman on a mission, a patriotic citizen who – like most of us – is disgusted that Big Money interests are able to openly buy lawmakers and laws. But he did more than write a letter to his congress critter – he wrote letters to all 535 of them, loaded the missives in his mailbag and – as postal workers do – literally went the extra mile to make a “very special delivery” in his gyrocopter.

This was no flight of fancy. Doug planned his

mail delivery for months, and he was fully aware that he might crash, be killed by a scramble of military jets or be gunned down by guards when he landed. Nor was it a sneak attack – he repeatedly posted his intentions in blogs; a reporter was covering his preparations; and the Secret Service had investigated and interviewed him about his plans more than a year earlier.

His landing jolted the Capitol into lockdown.

Guards rushed out to arrest Doug and haul him off to some deep cellblock; a bomb squad arrived; and spooked lawmakers were scared silly.

They ran around screeching that they were threatened by terrorists. Of course, the real threat to America is not some guy flying a gyrocopter in protest but the utter corruption of Congress, the courts and democracy itself by the plutocratic elites whom this mailman targeted with nothing more (nor less) dangerous than a bagful of truth-telling letters.

Actually, Hughes was not alone on this heroic mission of civil disobedience – the great majority of Americans are totally on board with him, his message and his bold effort to shake up and shape up Congress.

It’s not surprising that when the activist mail-

man delivered his powerful message to Congress he drew saturation coverage from the mass media.

Not coverage of his message, mind you, but a ridiculous spasm of media scaremongering over the non-existent terrorist threat that our self-absorbed members of Congress say his visit posed to them. While Hughes carried no weapons of terrorism on his flight, the message he brought to Washington is politically explosive. So, congressional leaders, who’re always terrified about anything that might ignite public outrage over their pay-to-play cor rup tion, quickly rushed to divert attention from the message – to the messenger.

Shazam! In an instant, the politicos fabricated a sob story about themselves, recasting their role from for-sale villains to pitiable victims. We’re threatened by a security network so porous, they squealed, that this dangerous terrorist can easily fly right up to the Capitol building. They convened emergency hearings, went on talk shows and imperiously demanded that they be made safe from such a horrific threat.

And the media meekly bought into the whole hubbub, entirely losing sight of the damning message that the mailman was carrying.

Hughes did not commit and act of terror; it was an act of civil disobedience. His flight was a thoughtful, well-planned, non-violent stand against the tyranny of money, undertaken in the

JIM HIGHTOWER

spirit of Henry David Thoreau and Martin Luther King, Jr. Hughes is standing up for We the People, and like freedom fighters before him, he’s full-aware of and prepared to pay the price of civic defiance. On May 20, a federal grand jury indicted this messenger of democracy on a mess of charges that could add up to more than nine years in prison. Far from backing away, however, he’s now calling out you and me: “We spend billions protecting the United States from terrorists,” Hughes recently wrote. “It’s time for Americans to spend time protecting democracy from plutocrats.”

One time when Thoreau was in jail for his defiance of authority, his friend Ralph Waldo Emerson happened by and asked: “Henry, why are you here?” Thoreau retorted: “Why are you not here?” To help save our democracy from plutocracy, go to www.DemocracyIsForPeople.org.

Gender Bender Things are changing fast...

yet other things aren’t changing fast enough.

July, 2015

which makes some nostalgic for simpler times...

But there really was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

‘Win-Win’ a Losing Proposition, Say the Unfortunate Losers claim it’s just a ploy to sell books Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they’ve been told in school and the workplace, the so-called “win-win” scenario just doesn’t exist.

“It’s a ploy,” said Ben D o w n fr o m Montauk, NY, who admits he s p e n t t h o usands on self-help, “feel good” books and tapes before realizing it was all a scam.

“I played along for most of my life and look where it’s gotten me,” he said from his sad little 8x10 room at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Home, just a few blocks from where he once lived.

Down and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover off the win-win folks, but they simply don’t have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don’t have the gumption.

“Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time,” he said, “but just could never get a good grip on ’em and ended up saying the hell with it.”

“Maybe I took that term a little too literally,” he added.

Many others are telling similar stories.

“Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right,” said Dee Flayted, “but before I can even get the door all the way open, some snot-nosed kid down the hall slams up against it and smashes it back into my face. Win-win, whatta laugh,” she said scornfully.

Flayted says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference.

“Things were going well until someone said to me ‘positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?’

I chose down.”

Said Flayted, “When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well re sign your self to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner.”

Reported by P. Beckert.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Jesus Christ Endorses Bernie Sanders ‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders.

HEAVEN’S GATE – Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs. The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly com ing around and would cer tainly be there by election time.”

He noted that the Virgin Mary remained inclined to support Hillary on gender grounds, and also didn’t like Bernie’s religious skepticism. But while Sanders isn’t a Christian or even a theist, Jesus said he would continue to support him anyway.

“I know the old codger is an atheist Jewish socialist,” He admitted. “But if you forget the adjectives, you’ll see that we stand for pretty much the same things, him and Me. You could sum up Bernie’s campaign as, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is the core of what I had to say.”

“For example, taking away poor folks’ health insurance, and forbidding people from feeding them on the streets is wrong. I mean, for My sakes, that’s just basic.”

Jesus said that because Sanders stood against Mammon – the Big Money interests – he was “naturally” of the party of God, whatever his

personal religious opinions. “He’s just the good Samaritan,” Jesus sagely remarked.

Then Jesus wept as he noted, “Indeed, Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money.

Sadly, the new Trinity is David, Charles and Sheldon.”

Je sus noted that it was against His Father’s rules to intervene directly in the American electoral process by, for example, miraculously changing the vote outcome, or eliminat ing the GOP’s vi cious vote-suppression laws. He was tempted, but also wasn’t allowed to enlighten “idiots” like Justices Scalia and Thomas.

“Sorry, but it’s that damn Free Will thing again,” He explained. “You guys have just gotta do it for yourselves. My Mom and I can lament and appear from time to time to uneducated poor folk, but in the end all We’re really allowed to do is give you losers some good advice.

“So here it is. Go to www.berniesanders.com and get involved. I don’t want to be a spoiler, but the American story will have a really depressing ending if you don’t.”

He touched his exposed, sacred heart. “Beam me up, Scotty,” he said, and disappeared.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Kim K Hires Tutor to Track Brood Total Reality TV star Kim Kardashian recently announced that she was expecting another child.

The Keeping Up With the Kardashians personality Kim and husband rapper Kany e We s t a r e ex pect ing their sec ond child, so Kim has hired a tutor to help her keep track.

“Hav ing one child is tough enough. I can’t imagine how many another one “I’d like this many.” would be,” Kim said. “Hiring a tutor to help me keep a count of all these kids will be a big help when I get distracted by my various projects.”

Asked if her husband also has difficulty with the kid count, she said, “He’s too busy to figure it all out, but he’s using this new math thing called ‘flash cards’ and it’s been helping him a lot. My baby boo has even figured out how many nannies we have to help raise baby North!”

Kim is hopeful that her tutor can help out with other math problems in her life as well.

“Sometimes life gets too busy, and I just don’t have time to count,” Kim said. “If things work out with this tutor, he can do the counting for me while I’m off doing more important things.”

Asked how far along she was, she said, “Out to here, but hopefully everything will go right and soon I’ll be out to there,” Kim said, making a pointing gesture a few inches from her stomach.

Reported by Lee Mays.

Donald Trump: ‘Love of Money the Root of All Goodness’ “I’ll bring real, gold-backed Christianity to the White House” – Donald Trump A Humor Times exclusive report Donald Trump, professional quixotic candidate for the Republican nomination for president and bad wig model, officially opened his campaign for president in a speech Tuesday at his Trump Tower office building in Manhattan.

Art by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

“I will be the greatest president that God ever created,” he said, adding, “As the man in the sky said, just before he fired Satan, ‘the love of money is the root of all goodness’ – and I intend to codify that into law.”

Once he makes it to the White House, he promised, he will never leave. “I will build a great wall. And nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. Look at all the walls I’ve built.

Well, never mind that – but I will build the greatest wall of all, around the White House, and you

sh al l know who is your King.”

“I’m really rich, I’m not even say ing that in a braggadocios,” said Trump. “I trump the rest of those losers. Get it?

See what I did there? Made a little joke. But I’m only saying this to remind you of the obvious – I will win, because as everyone knows, he who has the most money wins.”

“Who would make a better top boss than me?

Nobody, that’s who. I’ve already proven it on my TV show,” he said. “I’ll fire anybody who gets in my way. Judge makes a decision that hurts a corporation – you’re fired. Politician proposes a minimum wage increase – you’re fired. And I’m warning you right now – vote for someone else, YOU’RE fired, America.”

“It’s like, take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s how good I am. Hell, I’ve always played with under-inflated balls. And an under-inflated brain – I don’t let dumb facts clutter up my noggin and get in the way. Hey, you do what it takes to win. I’m a winner.”

“In summation,” Donald Trump told the paid crowd, “I’m rich. That means I’m smart. So I should be president. Did I tell you how rich I am? Vote Trump!”

President Lindsey Graham Plans Pink White House Do-Over

Pastor Creflo Dollar to Get Jet, Says Cash Cow Churches Int’l

“I do declare, the house is just a shambles, and it needs me!” – Lindsey Graham

“The love of money the root of all evil? St Paul obviously never had sex on a monopoly board,” states the aptly named Pastor Creflo Dollar. The Atlanta-based minister claims he desperately needs a $65 million private jet so he can “educate the masses.”

In March of this year, with R. Kelly’s I Believe I Can Fly playing in the background, Pastor Creflo Dollar asked each of his 200,000 followers – many of whom live close to the poverty line – to donate $300 towards the purchase of a luxurious jet.

“God came to me in a dream, and he told me to buy a $65 million plane, who am I to refuse?” asked the pastor. But after much negative media attention, unsurprisingly, the campaign vanished as quickly as it appeared.

However, the board of Cash Cow Churches International – which also has a close relationship with Creflo Dollar Ministries of Money, made this announcement on Friday: The pastor

WASHINGTON, DC – GOP Presidential but the way I see it, that old poor thang is inhopeful Sen. Lindsey Graham (R–SC) said at a wardly yearning to burst free – burst free! – and press conference today that if shout from its rooftops, ‘I’m he is elected, he will immedipink! I’m pink! I’ve always ately order a complete “nipbeen and I always will be! ple pink” re paint of the How I wish I had Caitlyn JenWhite House, inside and out. ner’s balls!’”

Graham insisted that the “Well, folks, if, elected, I term “nipple pink” wasn’t at will give the White House all sexist, “since men have that chance.” little pink nipples too, don’t Graham said that in addithey? Nestled inside their tion to repainting, he planned Artist’s impression of Pink House. big, hairy chests.” “a complete do-over for the Lindsey Graham said that he was motivated White House’s interior as well.” by his sense of “the aging structure’s pain,” The dining room, he said disapprovingly, which he intuits each time he visits the place. “looks like a gay Victorian brothel,” while the “You can just tell how really pink it is under that men’s rooms are “dens of iniquity.” cold, official exterior,” he said. “When you look “Of course,” he added with his charming giginto its eyes, like Mitt Romney said about Hil- gle, “I haven’t actually been inside any of the lary, you can just tell that what it’s really think- Lady, I mean Ladies, though I did once nearly ing about is its own little pink latte.” walk into one by mistake.The logo on the door With his distinctive southern lilt, the senator was kind of ambiguous.” added: “Y’all can call it empathy, if you like, Reported by Michael Egan.

is getting the plane “he so richly deserves.”

“We have decided to purchase the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter for the pastor. In addition to boasting a Rolls Royce vertical touchdown system, the F-35 has the ability to conduct vertical landings. It will make a welcom e ad di t i on t o our busi ness – church, our church, I mean,” announced Jer e miah Douché, board member and French native.

“But Jesus traveled on foot and by donkey,” questioned one journalist, “why do you need a fighter jet?”

Pastor Dollar replied: “The F-35 wasn’t around then, I believe. And who would listen to a man on a donkey? Image is everything. You don’t see Obama wearing Crocs, do you?”

Following the interview, the board released this statement: “Material wealth is a sign of God’s favor. We encourage all to dream big, acquire wealth and fly high, quite literally.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Rick Perry’s Back, and This Time He Can Count to Three

Rick Perry claims he can now get past two, but skeptics ask “where’s the evidence?”

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Announcing recently that he will launch a second presidential run, the dyscalculic Republican hopes to cancel out nightmarish memories of 2012. But skeptics say that considering Perry tried and tried, but spectacularly failed, to name the three federal agencies he so desperately wanted to remove, there is every chance the human goldfish has no recollection of 2012.

Oddly enough, with more than a few confused looking faces in the audience, Perry came on stage at his announcement to Hit Em Up, 2Pac’s infamous Notorious B.I.G diss track.

“Idiotic, you say, but on the contrary, I think it was a stroke of brilliance,” said Bill O’Reilly, before adding: “Let’s not forget Hillary announced her candidacy with Who Shot Ya, Biggie’s diss track, playing in the background.

This was a subtle middle finger to Mrs. Clinton.

I genuinely hate rap music, literally anything that isn’t Kenny Chesney approved, but this was a stroke of genius.”

As the longest-serving governor in Texas history, Perry spent three decades working in the Hick State before leaving the governor’s ranch

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in January.

Although he was a labeled a genuine contender back in 2012, it didn’t take long for the Republican to publicly implode.

When asked about Perry’s chances, Hillary Clinton replied: “I’ll never forget Rick famously attempting and failing to imitate Sesame Street’s Count Von Count. It was hilarious, I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Car crash TV at its finest.”

Reported by John Glynn, Humor Times Senior Count Von Count correspondent.

July, 2015

God Help Us It may take divine intervention...

to solve our problems at this point.

But be careful what you wish for...

and what you say.

Nature can make you rethink your priorities...

and make you grateful for any help.

The problems seem to be intensifying...

July, 2015

and the effects seem biblical.

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13

Privacy

TSA

The NSA insists it’s not spying...

The TSA failed its own screening...

just surfing.

so new rules are being implemented for your safety.

The new, improved “Patriot Act” went through...

The TSA has standards to uphold...

and now rights will have to be respected – or else.

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but also a budget to meet.

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July, 2015

Campaigns, American Style Like it or not...

the 2016 campaign has begun.

While we can argue about financing... most agree we can do without the reruns.

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July, 2015

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15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

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July, 2015

July, 2015

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17

Sacrificial Lambs

Pool Rules

Some are still trying to figure out just why...

If they had only followed the rules...

the twisted guy who said he hates blacks did it.

police would not have had to...

Others ask what would Jesus do?

do what they did.

Meanwhile, some things never change.

The incident may inspire a new fashion trend.

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July, 2015

July, 2015

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