Humor Times, August 2015

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August, 2015

Editor’s Letter Any bad week for Antonin Scalia and the rest of the Cro-Magnons on the Supreme Court is a great week for the rest of America.

Finally, gays will be treated like the rest of the human race, at least when it comes to marriage. And the health care law did not suffer a major blow that would have rendered it pretty much useless.

These are important things, and well worth celebrating. However, when it comes to health care, we’re still way behind the curve. Why is it some cannot open their eyes and see that the way the rest of the civilized world pays for health care and makes it available to all is so much better than ours?

Spare me the rant about our health care being superior. Perhaps the technical skill of our surgeons and much of our hardware is superior to many places. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about how to pay for it. To let greedy profiteers make boatloads of money off the suffering of others is just wrong, plain and simple.

Plus, it is inefficient and does not work very well.

But we’ve allowed big money to gain control of most things in this country, and once you do that, it’s very difficult to wrest that control away again. And once you allow the richest of the rich to buy elections, well, it gets darn near impossible.

Which is why we can’t wait any longer to elect representatives who are actually that – representatives – of we, the people. The longer we wait, the harder it’ll be.

Somehow, we’ve got to convince our neighbors to vote for the least-promoted of the candidates – the ones with the least money behind them. They’ll be the ones beholden to the voters, instead of the big donors.

People like Bernie Sanders, and on down through the Senate, House, state and local offices.

It won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

– James Israel, Editor

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Racism Lowered It was starting to stink up the place...

so they took it down...

Of course, we must remain vigilant. but they’re still looking for a good place for it.

It’s an improvement...

but there’s a long way to go.

Times are changing...

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and it’s not like the old days.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2015

Grecian Formula 2015 The Euro Gods have prescribed austerity...

and the Germans are determined to enforce it.

“Never mind the past,” they say...

“who told you you have free will?”

After all, it’s the principle of the thing...

and damn the repercussions...

whatever they may be.

August, 2015

Meanwhile, the contest goes on.

HUMOR TIMES

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Rumpus Chumpus Trumpus For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes, it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump, because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier.

To say the campaign of the self-appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark the phrase “you’re fired!” for hiring extras to pretend to be supporters at his announcement, but another way of looking at it is he’s already creating jobs.

At the beginning of his diatribe where the word “I,” or “I’ve” or “I’m” was used 244 times (that doesn’t even include “me,” or “we” or “us”) the billionaire real estate developer trotted out some bizarre illegal immigrant harangue, accusing the Mexican government of sending drug-crazed rapists across the border. It’s the reason veteran politicians often employ scriptwriters and utilize teleprompters: so they don’t stick their foot so deep into their mouths they can tickle their spleen with their shoelaces.

And the price The Donald paid for his bout of verbal incontinence was shooting straight to the top of Republican polls. Sure, he and some of his brands were dropped by a couple of lily-livered corporations like Univision, Farouk Systems, NASCAR, Serta, the PGA, Televisa, NBC Universal & Macy’s. But not all is lost; rumors abound that both Animal Planet and SyFy are interested in producing a mini-series about his hair.

Conservative conspiracy theorists accuse Trump of being a

Democratic mole whose subversive goal is to make them look like intolerant cretins. But seeing how they’re the ones who spent the last 45 years crocheting the ass hat, they can’t be surprised when some idiot picks it off the shelf and waltzes around in it.

Trump not only refused to apologize, he doubled down and stands behind his bigoted assault. “People stop me on the street and tell me I’m right.” Donny. Baby. You live in New York City.

People there say crazy stuff all the time. “My clothes hamper has wings and is made out of aluminum.” “Alex Rodriguez is acting like a real human.”

Trump is to presidential politics what hot dog eating is to the Olympics. He makes Sarah Palin look like a sober distinguished parliamentarian. And what if he does win the nomination? Who could he possibly pick as vice president to make him look presidential? Dick Cheney? Joe Biden? Urkel was a fictional character. Mr. Bean was born on foreign soil. Adam Sandler is dead.

Well, his career is, anyway.

You almost get the feeling that Trump isn’t as excited about becoming Commander-in-Chief as he is with forcing a black family with two young daughters out of their Washington D.C. home.

But love him or hate him, you got to admit, it’s pretty exciting to finally be able to answer that plaintive query: “How long before America proves itself a world class power by fielding a presidential candidate with a cologne named after him?”

That time, my friends, at last has come.

Rebel Flag: The Ultimate Dog Whistle Since its reintroduction on the grounds of the South Carolina Capitol in 1961 to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the start of

WILL DURST

the Civil War, the Confederate rebel flag has been the source of controversy with a regularity approaching that of a Madonna comeback album. Sadly, it has been thrust into the news once more because some kid who loved it went crazy and committed an atrocity. A racially charged atrocity. Yes. Again.

Proponents of the flag fiercely insist it is not a racist symbol of slavery but a banner illustriously heralding their culture, heritage and independence. The same way a skull and crossbones is a symbol of rebirth. And the swastika is just an emblem of Caucasian pride.

Anything can represent anything if one is familiar with the code. A red bandana sticking out of a back pocket invokes a certain meaning, yet when tied around the neck of a yellow lab is decidedly less prurient. It’s all context. Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni. That doesn’t mean restaurants will start serving feathers and cheese as a side dish to barbecue dinners anytime soon.

But it is disingenuous to the extreme to suggest that when the rebel flag is worn or brandished in the first state to secede from the Union, that it isn’t meant as a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, knowing and shared racist commentary with no need to be verbalized. The ultimate dog whistle in the key of Dixie.

Besides, it’s not really THE Confederate flag; just a Confederate flag. It’s not even one of three official flags used during the war. The orig i nal Stars and Bars looked too much like the Star Spangled Banner and confused troops on both sides. The 2nd flag had much too much white and was often mistaken for a flag of surrender. And the third was like the 2nd, only with a big red stripe at the end. And then the war was over. Except it wasn’t. And in some places still isn’t.

The recent resurgence of General Lee’s Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia gives proof that though the War of Northern Aggression has been over for 150 years, the flame of bigotry remains alive. Why? Because old times there are not forgotten. The South never quit fighting; they just took an intermission. The pause that refreshes.

And their protestations of in no cence might be a tad more believable if the states that insist on flying the rebel flag over state-spon sored Con fed er ate mon u ments weren’t the same ones that defied integration way past the bitter end, using everything at their disposal including police batons, dogs and fire hoses.

“It’s about states’ rights.”

Yeah, especially those rights that include owning your labor force. They may call it mac a roni, but it’s re ally white supremacy. In Dixieland, I’ll take my stand and live and die in Dixie. And Re pub li cans won der why they can’t at tract black voters.

Come on, you guys. It’s the sixth year of the 2nd decade of the 21st century. Pull your Confederate rebel flags off of government lands. Let folks fly or paint or tattoo them on their own property, which as you may or may not have noticed, no longer includes people. As George W. Bush fa mously said, “the past is over.” Look away.

Look away. Look away Dixieland.

Will Durst is an awardwin ning, na tion ally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings. Read more of Will Durst at humortimes .com.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2015

Supreme Disappointment

Survivor

Supreme Court Justice Scalia had a rough week...

Republicans say they were only trying to help...

but the operation was botched...

and it showed.

and now there’s a new patient.

He’s been known to rant...

But all is not lost, say party officials.

and he’s not the only one who’s pissed.

August, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

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Hillary’s Hill to Climb Hillary is playing hard to get...

as in, hard to understand.

But she knows how to be tough...

and she can even show a little tenderness.

Her handlers are doing their best...

and they know long term strategy.

Meanwhile, she’s running hard...

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and making great progress.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown Join the Spreading Rebellion Against Big Money’s Political Game If you are one of those cynics who think that none of today’s presidential candidates for the White House care about people like you and me, check out Republican wannabe Scott Walker.

The Wisconsin governor, who is presently a full-time campaigner for the GOP presidential nod, not only cares, he wants to sit down with you, get your ideas and stay in close touch. No matter who you are, Scottie wants you to join his team, so his presidency can be your presidency!

Not a Republican? No problemo, amigo. Walker doesn’t check your papers. Well… except for that million-dollar check you have to write to his super PAC. That’s the ticket price for entering Walker’s inner circle, where you can discuss all of your policy concerns and seek personal favors — straight from your lips to the candidate’s ear!

Even if you’re a common working stiff, just give a million dollars, and you’re in, baby! Is this a

great country, or what?

Maybe you’re wondering what, specifically, your million dollars buy. Well, Scott’s super PAC even prints out a handy purchasing slip showing that you’ll get to be an “Executive Board Member” of the Walkerites’ campaign.

Thus, you’ll have two private dinners with The Man, a Walker staffer dedicated to your needs, special briefings, weekly emails, bimonthly conference calls, bi-annual retreats, and — best of all — an “Exclusive Executive Board Pin.” Golly, I haven’t been this excited or felt so included since the 1950s, when I became a member of “The Mickey Mouse Club” and got my own set of mouse ears.

When the Supreme Court descended into the “Alice in Wonderland”-like fantasy that corporations are people and money is speech, it was inevitable that American politics would devolve into a frivolous game that shuts out the worka-

day majority and enthrones a Koch-brothers plutocracy sustained by secret-money super PACs and whorish candidates such as Walker.

I think we can all agree that news stories like this that highlight the ever-rising flood of big money in politics do not tend to have a lot of laughs in them.

But a recent item from The New York Times unintentionally got a good guffaw from me. It was a seriously serious piece about how Karl Rove’s super PAC of corporate political cash has been surpassed both in cash and clout by the billion-dollar electioneering network of the Koch brothers. The reporter stated that the Kochs have “leapfrogged” Rove. There is nothing factually funny in that, but the image of the multibillionaire brothers, Charles and David, laughing and leaping over a bent-over, frog-like Karl Rove is the delightfully ridiculous stuff of slapstick.

In fact, today’s whole political game, run by an absurdist’s nightmare of moneyed elites, is ridiculous — a game in which corporations are people and money is magically empowered to speak; candidates trek to the corporate suites and secret retreats of the rich, shamelessly selling their political souls; super-wealthy interests clandestinely pump unlimited sums of money

JIM HIGHTOWER

into disgustingly negative campaign ads that turn off most voters; candidates “win” with only a small minority of the electorate choosing them; winners then claim to have a democratic mandate to enact the plutocratic agenda.

This could be hilarious in a slapstick routine, but it is tragic in a country with democratic aspirations. But don’t despair, for a backlash is building all across the country among voters who are fed up with the money-rigged game that excludes them.

One group called the New Hampshire Rebellion is bird-dogging presidential candidates in that state to demand action to get Big Money out of politics. To help start your own rebellion to end this corrupt mockery of our electoral democracy, you can get a free online toolkit from these modern-day Paul Reveres by going to www.nhrebellion.org.

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Over the Rainbow It finally happened...

and it looks like fears of hellfire were overblown.

It was an iconic moment...

August, 2015

but some repercussions are being felt.

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9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

KKK Plans Labor Day w/ Bible Study, CrossBurning Competition Mis sis sippi Burn ing, the Ar kan sas chapter of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK), has announced that it will a host a Labor Day rally filled with “sing songs, camaraderie and a generous helping of hate.”

According to the group’s website, the event will include beat boxing, folk danc-

ing, Bible study and a cross-burning compe ti tion. A raffle and “awe some spot prizes” are also promised.

The KKK is a group renowned for its ‘family matters’ philosophy, and Mississippi Burning has promised to make the upcoming event a family-friendly one.

“We urge attendees to bring their children. A nursery for infants and toddlers, across from the bomb-making hall, will be open all day,” said a spokesman.

“Your children are the future! We must open their eyes to the threats facing decent white folk,” the event website reads.

“Those that hate our heritage and faith — you know who we’re talking about — have targeted YOUR chil dren. Schools are breeding grounds for homosexuals and race-mixers. Television is full of filth! Have you seen ‘Orange Is the New Black’? It feels like white is the new black, we are under constant attack, being told to accept and embrace equal rights.”

The Klan’s attempt to attract ‘new blood’ is an aggressive and dramatic move. By the late 1990s, the Klan had shrunk to a little under ten thousand members and had splintered into several, smaller organizations, including the Imperial Wizards of Whiteness, Knight Riders, and The Dark Knights.

Like Fox News, the KKK has placed a new em pha sis on whites as an oppressed, abused majority, victimized by “Larry Wilmore and the like.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

In ‘Classy’ Move, Trump to Purchase Presidency, One Vote at a Time

South Dakota County Clerk Marries Dog, as Promised

Trump plans to offer $100 for every vote for him, “Proving once and for all, he who has the most money wins. Now that’s class.”

Donald Trump has co me u p with “the greatest, most classiest strategy ever” to win the pres i dency. Not only does he believe he doesn’t need money from the public to win the elec tion, he ac tu ally plans to pay them for their vote.

Trump an nounced that any one who can prove that they have voted for him by snapping a selfie as they mark their ballot for him will receive $100. “And please keep your photos classy,” he said, “we don’t need no Trump tramps.”

Trump is renting storefronts across the nation and is hiring a huge staff of knowledgeable techies to run the redemption centers. All you have to do is bring your selfie to the center where the Trump Techies will verify it was not photoshopped.

The Trump Techies will then issue you a check in the design of a $100 bill with Trump’s

SIOUX FALLS, SD — A female South Dakota county clerk, overheard threatening to marry her dog after the SCOTUS gaymarriage decision, has f ol l owed through and tied the slip-knot with her “loyal, goodlook ing and extremely longButchy-Wutchy. tongued” ca nine friend, Butchy-Wutchy.

“Ours was a love that dared not speak its name,” the new Mrs Coochie Wutchy said, as Butchy affirmatively wagged his tail.

The former Miss Coochie Coo said they’d all had “a little scare” before the ceremony, when their vet thought Butchy might have to be renamed “Bitchy.” On closer examination, however, it proved to be a false alarm.

“It was just a little shrinkage,” said the bride.

The uncertainty arose as the result of a botched “de-balling” operation when her husband was a puppy.

“He’s def i nitely male, thank good ness,” Coochie noted. “Be cause frankly I’m still against gay marriage.”

Reported by Michael Egan

likeness replacing Benjamin Franklin, which you can deposit or cash at any bank. For those who are complaining about the disrespect to one of our most be loved forefathers, The Donald points out tha t given a choice, people would prefer having a man with hair — fake or not — on their currency.

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is looking into the legality of Trump’s strategy.

Senators are calling it electronically stuffing the ballot box, cheating, and definitely not classy.

However, when challenged at a recent press conference, Trump defended his tactics: “Free enterprise is the foundation of American democracy, and this is free enterprise in its purest, greatest sense.”

When asked if it was a type of bribery, he replied, “Since when is it bribery to reward someone for doing the right thing?” Then he turned to the reporter who dared to ask such a question, pointed, and said, “You’re fired.”

Reported by Diane de Anda.

Warren Buffet to Head Up ‘Billionaires for Greece’ Rescue Group ATHENS – Following behind-the-scenes negotiations with the Greek government, an international consortium of billionaires headed by investor Warren Buffet has offered to purchase the entire country outright for $100 billion.

“Billionaires for Greece” will pay off Athens’ foreign debt of $96 billion, “plus four billion to restore the country’s pension system and bank liquidity,” Mr Buffet added.

“Then we’ll strategically invest until this great and historic culture is restored to financial health.”

Mr Buffet said that the $100 billion was “frankly, a mere bagatelle” to the 85 individuals who own half the planet’s wealth.

“Between the 20 of us who make up the core group,” he said, “five billion apiece is hardly noticeable. Even without the Koch Brothers and the Walton family,” he said, “who think history is bunk and culture for the birds, we’ve got more than enough.”

Mr. Buffet said that Bill Gates alone had per-

sonally offered to restore the Acropolis, while Carlos Slim, the Mex i can bil lion aire, was “thinking about” fixing up the Temple of Zeus in Olympia and “reconstructing” the Colossus of Rhodes.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett eyes Greece.

Plans to turn the Isle of Lesbos into a feminist paradise managed by Gloria Steinem were also being actively considered.

“Funnily enough, it turns out that six of us already own Greek islands,” Mr Buffett said. “So really, it’s just an expansion.”

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras cautiously welcomed the offer but said he could face a huge political backlash.

“There will be some,” he said, “who might resist Sheldon Adelson’s plan to turn Corfu into a Mediterranean Las Vegas, with a new airport, bright lights, casinos and brothels.

“However, it’s really just one island, and we’ll get a cut of the profits. Also, he’s absolutely promised to keep Donald Trump out of it, so that’s a big plus for us.”

“After Greece, it’s likely that Spain will be next on the market, and soon after that most of the rest of Europe, except maybe Germany and Scandinavia. That’s fine, because the tourists have to come from somewhere,” said Buffett.

“Ten years from now,” Mr Buffett concluded, “the 85 families will not only be able to afford to buy everything on earth, they’ll actually own it.”

He then added, with crushing inevitability: “Today Greece, tomorrow the world!”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Chicago to Solve Deficit by Taxing Corruption

Ariana Grande & Donuts: Recipe for Controversy

A recent tax Chicago levied on streaming online shows from organizations such as Netflix and Hulu has proved hugely unpopular and unprofitable, even for the town famous for taxing everything possible and then having the money disappear into a great black hole in its lab y rin thine gov ern men tal abyss.

Seeking a way to shore up its crumbling financial system, the Chicago city council finally hit upon a sure-fire plan – taxing corruption.

It has been noted that Chicago city finances run sort of like a hacked Las Vegas slot machine – money keeps going in but nothing ever comes back out.

Collecting revenues with the new tax has proven difficult, however, as the people it taxes are time-tested pros at dodging revenue authorities and at hiding their ill-gained loot. A whole new agency called “The Lean-On Boys” has been formed, and is proving efficient at collect-

Police departments across America are horrified by what Ariana Grande did to donuts. They are all also trying to confiscate a copy of the video, “for research purposes only.”

California police are “currently ex am in ing” the video footage, which appears to show pop su per star Ariana Grande licking donuts. Officers say they are “truly dis turbed” by the leaked video, which shows the 22-year-old “orally molesting” the donuts.

A c c ord ing to D e p u ty Vasquez, “Donuts have a special place in the hearts of Americans, especially police, so this crime is being taken very seriously.

The licking was not just insulting, it was blasphemous.”

Martin Solis, 23, a cashier at Wolfee Donuts who was on duty when Grande and her tongue entered the store, said the singer didn’t purchase any of the 27 donuts she appeared to lick.

According to various sources, Grande has

ing fines. “It is amazing at just how effective base ball bats, high volt age elec trodes and waterboarding can be,” said a Lean-On Boy. One unforeseen development, however, is that the new Lean-On department is itself subject to scrutiny, being as corrupt as any Chi cago institution.

Therefore, the organization must itself pay fines to itself and beat itself up if it doesn’t.

The future will show how well this system will work.

Meanwhile, Netflix has announced they will be producing a new series based on this story. A corruption tax will be imposed upon them even though they are not Chicago-based. Netflix has contested this, but were told by a Chicago judge that “Youse ain’t got no choice in dis. Pay up now or it might be harder later on when youse ain’t got no fingers no more.”

More on this as it develops – unless we happen to meet an unexpected baseball bat.

Reported by Roger Freed.

been licking donuts and other sugary snacks for years. 2011 video footage reportedly reveals Ariana Grande “maliciously licking” a chocolate muffin in Canada, but it was destroyed by her security guard.

The ce leb rity, who pre viously ap peared on Nick elodeon’s failure of a television series ironically named “Victorious,” was caught red-handed on Wolfee Donuts’ security cameras. Joe Marin, the shop’s owner, filed a report with Lake Elsinore police on Wednesday, and the video went viral the very next day.

An apparently sincere Niall Horan of the “One Direc tion” band called upon Ariana Grande’s fans to lick a donut “in solidarity” with the pop icon. Although no evidence of anyone joining the revolution has emerged, one can’t help but feel that donut-inspired riots are just around the corner.

Reported by John Glynn.

Gay Marriage is Last Straw: Conservatives Revolt as ALEC Drafts New Constitution The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC, a Koch subsidiary), sent out an emergency e-mail to all their employees currently holding elected office, offering a quick and lasting solution to the defeats that have plagued the conservative agenda over the past few weeks.

Sensing that the logic used to argue their points is no longer being accepted in educated circles, it was determined that, since they couldn’t change the conversation, they would change the rules, and implement a new constitution.

Although amendments were always thought

12

to be the best chance for constitutional revision, ALEC’s new alternative would eliminate the need for such unnecessary complications.

“How many times have we had our ideas and policies stopped because they violated the U.S. Constitution? Obamacare, fair housing, and now gay marriage! It’s frustrating to you, and it’s frustrating to our masters, the Koch brothers.

Now is our chance to finally fix it once and for all!” stated Mr. Nelson.

“Amending the constitution is too much work. It’s drawn out and it’s as efficient as we’re

used to, with our bill-producing factory. So we’re establishing a new constitution you can pass and still be home on Friday afternoon. You go in, you vote, you go home, period,” he said.

Following news of the conference, there was some media confusion, as Fox News originally criticized the idea in the mistaken belief that it had been offered by well-known leftist Alec Baldwin, but quickly backtracked once it was explained to them who the sponsor was. Thankfully it was Take-Your-Children to work day, so there were several informed sources available to

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them.

Spok esmen f o r House Speaker Boehner and Senate Majority leader McConnell said they are expected back in Washington later, and that “they will be available for questions, right after they meet with the Kochs to kiss their rings.”

Reported by Mike Kelly.

August, 2015

The Greatest Ever (Gift to Comedy, That Is) The favorite of comedians everywhere has launched his campaign...

Trump is comedy gold...

but not so good for straight TV.

Other candidates are quick to criticize...

but his fan base can’t get enough.

He insulted war veteran John McCain...

August, 2015

and party brass can hardly contain themselves.

and the entire party.

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Rest of the Bunch The rest of the GOP field doesn’t stand out so much...

as well as some wannabees...

who just can’t resist.

Christie is an assertive candidate...

whose ego is quite inflated.

As usual, Fox will have a lot to say about it...

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but does feature some well-known names...

but no matter what, it should be a wild ride.

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August, 2015

Going Nuclear Obama had to negotiate with the enemy...

and it remains to be seen how well the deal will work.

and that Obama should just follow precedent.

Some say it’s impossible...

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2015

August, 2015

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Homegrown

God’s Creation

It’s a loaded word...

It’s time to begin turning this thing around...

and it can happen anywhere... hell, even the Pope knows it.

so it’s time we recognize that...

He’s bravely going where no Pope has gone before...

and do something about it.

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but some folks prefer to serve mammon.

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August, 2015

August, 2015

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