Humor Times, September 2015

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September, 2015

Editor’s Letter For all their complaining about Obama “acting like a king,” Republicans are now supporting the most openly authoritarian candidate since George Wallace in Donald “I’m Great, You’re All Losers” Trump. If elected, God forbid, he’d probably rule to the right of Mussolini – if congress let him, and knowing the present makeup of that corrupt bought-and-paid-for body, they probably would.

It’s easy to see why people are frustrated and looking for a strong leader who they hope can change things. The irony is, the present economic situation is largely due to the very class Trump comes from, the “billionaire class,” as Bernie Sanders puts it. And you can bet that, just like the rest of the Republican candidates, he would work tirelessly for his kind, not for the little guy.

It is the billionaires who, through their banks and Wall Street trading companies, brought on the recent crash, and then proceeded to profit from the chaos. Since then, nearly all (instead of just most) of the economic gaines have gone to the very top, none to the middle class or lower. So much for “trickle down.”

And Trump gives the feeble minded someone to blame, someone to vent their anger on, even though it’s the wrong target: minorities. It’s easy to direct the anger of ignorant people who know no better. Their tunnel vision is maintained by the sources of information they choose – Fox “news,” professional haters on the radio and right-wing websites. They are warned not to trust other sources of information, so, like good little sheep, they don’t.

Sensible people who see through the likes of Trump can laugh at the gullibility of his supporters, supposing that there is no way he could win in a general election. However, I wouldn’t be so sure. Money talks, and now that it has been given free reign in elections by the righties on the Supreme Court, it shouts – so loud it can drown everything else out.

Especially in a tough economic climate, people can be persuaded by the hypnotic drone of the media. It’s up to those of us who stay awake to make sure we don’t elect a wannabee king.

– James Israel, Editor

2015

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HUMOR TIMES

3

A Rising 1% Tsunami Drowns All Boats The economy is not very healthy for the 99%...

and that realization is spreading.

It’s a real jungle out there...

and workers know they have to do or die...

or get out.

China’s economic troubles are affecting us...

Luckily, Congress is here to help. and Americans are fed up with them.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2015

Same As It Ever Was The president announced a new climate plan...

but Republicans said it’d burn up the budget.

They have a different agenda...

which has always worked for them.

but deniers are determined...

It’s getting harder to pretend it’s not happening...

to prove they are right.

September, 2015

Meanwhile, the EPA is here to help.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Don’t Sneer at Trump’s Chances Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven.

Slam-dunking from a step-ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.”

Oh sure, there are jokes.

1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look.

2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him.

3. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition.

And the fact that he’s been married three times just makes him… extra traditional.

4. Wants to run the country like a business. Which is worrisome. Because he seems exactly the kind of guy who would burn it down for the insurance.

Don’t forget the aerodynamic coif. But getting an actual handle on the Big El Nino is as difficult as Klingon calculus. How do you parody a parody? Most candidates cling to talking points the way deep sea divers do air hoses, but to a real estate developer, points apparently are to be avoided at all costs.

He’s all over the place: an anachronistic hybrid, tweeting from the Old West. No notes. No Tele-Prompter. No handlers. The focus of a feather. Shooting straight from the hip and the lip. “Mexicans are rapists.” “John McCain is a poseur.” “Megyn Kelly got hormonal.”

Donald Trump vs. Megyn Kelly: now there’s a sequel worthy of Buckley vs. Vidal. Do you get the feeling America doesn’t care who wins this skirmish as long as one of them loses. Hey, just doing good journalism.

Despite more slip-ups than 3rd graders playing Bombardment in stocking feet on a freshly polished gym floor, the New York developer’s approval rating continues to rise like a pastry factory

with a leaky yeast valve. If Reagan were Teflon, the Donald is some sort of space age polymer.

But to say that not all is happy-rama in the GOP theme park is similar to intimating that salted caramel cream puffs make inadequate shock absorbers. The exploits of Walker, Cruz, Rubio and Bush are a PBS after-thought to the daily TMZ shenanigans of Mr. Celebrity Apprentice Presidente.

A finite amount of light is available in a primary campaign, and the brighter it shines on a single spoiled trust fund baby, the less luminosity available for the incredible array of governors and former governors running nearby. With the odd senator thrown in.

“Odd” being the operative word.

Then consider that each of the semi-normal politicians is being bankrolled by a totally different collection of billionaires and you can see the problem. The obscenely affluent don’t encourage their kind to run for president. Tends to eliminate the middle-men.

The rich prefer their office holders beholden. Puppets with strings are easier to control. As the Donald says, “the system’s broken,” and the people agree.

So here’s a tip for all you professional scoffers sneering at Trump’s chances of winning the nomination, and should he pull that off, disparage as laughable the thought of a victory in the general. Just remember… they said the same thing about Ronald Reagan. And we all know how that turned out. Wonder if another Bush could be talked into the VP slot. There’s synchronicity for you.

Marble Poisoning It’s a race to the outside. Avoid the middle like the plague. The goal is to not be one with the pack. Even the most conservative of Republicans knows that he/she/it has to move beyond rock-solid,

WILL DURST

standard-bearer of the party line. Anybody who wants the nomination today has to show some flash, be a rebel, an iconoclast, wear a puffy shirt. Wild and wacky is the new name of the electioneering game.

Maybe it was the proliferation of reality shows that convinced Americans that real life should be entertaining, but this country now has the same relationship to traditional politics that brass rain gutters have to beachwear.

Which is totally okay because plenty of candidates are willing to do whatever it takes: to go so far to the outside they can’t even be seen due to the curvature of the earth. This time around, the presidential wannabees aren’t just declaring themselves Outsiders, they’re tripping over each other to be anointed the Outsidiest.

Political neophytes and novices and fledglings and beginners and probies and interns and fry cooks are all fine. Actual experience need not apply. Major Bowes would be proud: the Amateur Hour rises again. Which was an olden timey version of America’s Got Talent, back in the days when whether it did or not was debatable.

The only prerequisite a prospective office-seeker needs is a resume that fails to include a previous work address inside a capitol dome. Especially that big one on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Like radiation, exposure to Inside the Beltway is cumulative, and just as malignant. The longer a person embeds within the 202 area code, the less recognizable they become as homo sapiens. A mu tated form of Stockholm Syndrome.

Something happens to people in DC. The combination of ex hi bi t i on and pag eant r y amongst historic edifices seems to cause an assimilation with these venerable institutions. A calcification. Until it’s difficult to tell the statuary from the elected representatives. The offi cial di agnosis… Marble Poisoning.

The backlash to Marble Poisoning has been growing over time but recently has strengthened to a furious pace. Traditional pol i ti cians now have lower ap proval rat ings than used car salesmen whose arms have been replaced with poisonous tentacles leaking green venom.

As evidenced by real estate developer and all around bombastic dude Donald Trump cont i n u i ng t o m es mer i ze t he country with his patented brand of snake oil and bluster. The man is like a performing frog that sings off-key. A unique act perhaps, but how long before people get bored and move on to the ventriloquist cricket?

Then again, he’s not the only rookie making his bones in the bigs this time around. According to polls, the major winners in the 1st republican debate a cou ple weeks ago were the 300,000,000 US citizens who neglected to watch. Hah. Kidding. The big winners were non politicians- Doctor Ben Car son & CEO Carly Fiorina, hailed for their refreshing authenticity. Because they mouthed completely different clichés than what we’ve come to expect from the usual suspects. Yes, we’re seeing the rise of the authentic. With a commensurate loss of the competent. But hey, it’s a trade- off.

Just hope this passion for lack of ex pe ri ence does n’t spread to other professions. Nobody wants to hear: “And now let’s meet your endocrinologist, who previously earned her living as a terrifically inventive pastry chef.”

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and cal en dar list ings. Read m o re o f Wi l l Durst at humortimes .com.

6

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2015

Going Nuclear

Health Issues

Repubs don’t trust Obama on Iran negotiations...

A soft drink company is suddenly into fitness...

hoping to make their bottom line healthy again. and it shows.

While in other health news...

They also are perturbed by his handling of Cuba...

hysteria rules the day.

but their business sponsors like it fine.

September, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

7

Not So Inevitable Hillary was on top of the world...

until she wasn’t.

Joe “Blurt It Out” Biden is looking better every day...

She’s not too worried about cranky ol’ Bernie...

because she can attract attention with the best of ’em.

The email scandal is still a problem...

8

but Hillary can be real too.

but she handles everything with such aplomb.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown Marijuana: From Demonization to Legalization to Celebration With marijuana contests at state fairs and cannabis-legalizing state referendums, it’s all going to pot!

Earlier this year, music legends Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard teamed up to make a pro-marijuana video titled “It’s All Going to Pot” (watch it below).

And, apparently they were right, for I’ve now learned that even the state fair is going to pot — literally. A press release from the organizers of the DC State Fair exclaims: “It’s true! For the first time ever, we’re hosting a new contest for local cannabis growers to show off their plants’ finest buds.” They’re not just blowing smoke, for it turns out that Washington, D.C., voters passed a referendum in November to legalize marijuana — even to allow locals to grow up to six plants at their residences.

With the nationwide renaissance in urban agriculture, why not invite the proud cultivators of

the happy weed to show off the finest produce from their pot plots? After all, state fairs already have contests for the best ice cream, pickles, homebrew, com post, flower ar range ments, crafts and such — so it’s not a stretch to see who can win the Marijuana Bud Blue Ribbon. The buds are to be judged on characteristics such as appearance, smell and stickiness, but not such consumer-satisfaction qualities as “duration of high” or “development of mellowness.” In fact, contrary to the judging of the Tastiest Tomato category, the entry form for the Best Bud Contest specifies rather sternly that judges “will not sample or consume your submission.” That’s probably smart, since the whole panel of judges could dis solve into uncontrollable giggles halfway through the sampling.

From the demonization of marijuana to legalization and now to celebration — it’s a trajectory of progress that reflects some mellowing in

society itself. As the DC State Fair people put it, “Now that it’s legal, we wanted a way to highlight this new freedom while also showing off the agricultural talents of the District’s people.”

And with marijuana prohibition finally ending in states and cities across the land — including full legalization and/or commercialization not just in Washington, D.C., but also Alaska, Colorado, Washington State and Oregon — who better than our friend Willie Nelson to lead the way for weed quality and social responsibility?

The iconic musician and intrepid fighter for justice has announced that he will market his own marijuana brand, “Willie’s Reserve,” and open a group of stores selling top-quality pot and paraphernalia. “I feel like I was buying so much of it, it’s time to start selling it back!”

Willie excitedly said of his new weed venture. “I am looking forward to working with the best growers in Colorado and Washington to make sure our product is the best on the market.” A tireless champion of small farmers, civil liberties, the environment, common sense and the common good, he plans to start rolling out his stores and products (including hemp goods) this year, and he’ll expand further as states’ laws allow. In the typical Willie way, the stores will be “the anti-Walmart model,” with a core purpose of help ing ex pand the mar ket for small,

JIM HIGHTOWER

energy-efficient, environmentally sound growers.

Over the years I have cited Willie’s work in calling for legalization and restoration of hemp farming in America. I’ve also called repeatedly for an end to the Orwellian, Kafkaesque drug war that has criminalized the cannabis equivalent of cocktail hour — 750,000 people are arrested each year for marijuana-related offenses.

And now, I salute the innumerable grassroots activists who’ve steadily pushed America from the darkness of marijuana madness to being able to light up a “Willie” without getting busted! So to Willie, Merle, the DC State Fair and all the longtime champions of this struggle for normality, “This bud’s for you!” Find out more about marijuana legalization at the Marijuana Policy Project (https://www.mpp.org/) and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (http://norml.org/).

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Campaigning, American Style Money is speech, saith the Supreme Court...

so big money is talking louder than ever.

Voters remain confused...

September, 2015

and that’s how the media likes it.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Almighty Swaps Son of God for Jon Stewart Jon Stewart wasn’t the most pious of hosts, and he didn’t always speak highly of God – “I don’t know what the f*ck that guy is smoking, but I don’t want any,” he once told Rolling Stone.

However, at the Immortal Mortals ceremony on Friday night, which saw Stewart inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame, the man himself (a.k.a. God) displayed no feelings of animosity whatsoever. Delivering a deferential speech in praise of the presenter, God took to the podium and stole the show:

“Jon Stewart, also known as Soupy, Lefty, Poochy and Ball-Busting Bastard by all the people at Fox, is an artist in every sense of the word. Who better to give a speech on Jon than me, his creator? His full name is Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz, and it’s easy to see why he decided to distance himself from such a hideous surname. He attributed the name change to a strained relationship with his father, but don’t be fooled, people, he was simply embarrassed by its ‘Jewishness,’ for lack of a better term.”

After some heckles from the crowd, much to God’s dismay, the divine one shouted, “Hey, I’m allowed make Jew jokes. Jesus, tough crowd.”

The Almighty continued: “Jesus was dead by the age of 33, having achieved very little, no qualifications, no wife, no children, twelve male friends … well, make that eleven, forget Judas, the bastard.

“By the age of 33, on the other hand, Jon Stewart was hosting a talk show for the BBC. “Like my son, Jon was crucified early on in his career, albeit less gruesomely. But Stewart came back stronger, we saw a new and improved Jon, a sharper Jon, a more clinical Jon, and, most of all, a funnier Jon. He deserves more than his place in the Comedy Hall of Fame.

“So now, I, God, your master, wish to state that, from this very moment, Jon Stewart is to be known as the official Son of God. Jesus, if you’re listening, pack your bags and cut your hair, time to find yourself new digs and a real job.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Candidates Displayed in Pens at Iowa State Fair, Like Rest of Animals This season’s crop of presidential candidates made their appearance this week at the traditional starting showcase for the presidential primaries, the Iowa State Fair. But this time, the banal circus was presented in pens, “as it should be,” according to Iowa primary officials.

A ll th e hop e fuls were herded i nto a fenced-off pen in one of the livestock barns and put on display.

The idea was the brain child of Iowa primary officials, who said they figured it would “more accurately portray the true nature of modern American politics, and also make a great display at the Iowa State Fair.” This setup would still allow the candidates to pretend they cared about what the Iowa voters thought, and in turn allow the Iowa voters to show what they thought of the campaigning runners.

Comments from the public were mixed: One chunky farmer prodded Hillary with a finger and said: “This heifer here is saggin’ a bit too much off the bones,” to which she viciously bit him on the wrist.

Another farmer looked at Bernie Sanders and said, “This chicken is way past broiling time.

They need to use him fer fertilizer!”

A lot of wom en flocked around Marco Rubio, more be cause the cuteness factor than any political interest.

“Say, this brown one is a looker! Ah wouldn’t mind using him fer a bed warmer,” said one, as the others cackled.

Some were seen pett i n g S c o t t Wa l k e r, which he liked.

The most common thing said about black Republican Ben Carson was simply, “Didn’t we have one jes’ like him be elected last time?”

Chris Christie ate one of the goats when no one was looking.

Jeb Bush seemed uneasy with the little old ladies who pinched his cheeks and dotingly said, “Doesn’t he look just like his brother?”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump rabidly savaged anyone who got too close to his cage.

Whichever candidates survive will go on to further debates elsewhere.

Reported by Roger Freed.

California Fires Spread to Pot Fields with Predictable Results Cal i for nia is in the midst of a biblical-syle dr ought . And along with a lack of water, California-based mariAll-American pot farmers. juana farmers have found their crops engulfed by wildfires.

The fires are severely impacting the lives of the 99.9% of Californians who claim to be struggling with glaucoma.

Bob Bluntman of the Emerald Growers Association said that, on average, a burning marijuana farm “releases a similar amount of smoke to fifteen back-to-back Coachella concerts.”

A representative from Cal Fire cautioned residents to “do everything in their power not to breathe.” Then he started giggling uncontrollably and snacking on Cheese Puffs.

Bluntman said the wildfires will “have a serious impact on supplies across the state,” before adding, “if the glaucoma statistics are anything to go by, and the medical marijuana drought is as severe as we think, a large majority of Californians will be blind before September.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Next GOP Debate to Follow ‘Hunger Games / Dating Naked’ Format Survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules.

NEW YORK – Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show, in which all 17 GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.” The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee for president in 2016.

Fox’s president and de facto Republican Party Chairman, Roger Ailes, said at a news conference that candidates would be flown out to Yora Goosa Isa Kookt, a tiny atoll in the South Pacific with nothing but palm trees, a small spring and a flock of rare Nene geese, for whom it is named.

Candidates may bring a single weapon of their own choice. Ted Cruz, for ex am ple, planned to pack an AR-15, with the barrel wrapped in bacon, while Lindsey Graham would be armed with “an industrial-strength blender containing a cell phone.”

Ailes added: “Cruz believes that if he doesn’t get his opponents with the rifle, the nitrates and cholesterol in the bacon should do the trick. And Lindsey has a frightening sneer.”

Among other weapons, front runner Donald Trump’s team said he’d need only his monstrous ego, using it to drain all the oxygen out of the air.

However, Ailes said, the likely highlight of the first day would be “killing the pig,” i.e., the bloated billionaire, who is scheduled to be hunted down by the rest in a “tasteful re-enactment” of the famous episode in Lord of the Flies.

Megyn Kelly would “gleefully but professionally” provide the commentary for this part of the debate. After Piggy’s death, organizers say, the pack will roast him over a celebratory bonfire and then deal with one another. The “Donald Trump Roast” will go down in history, they say.

Ailes went on to note that Rick Santorum was bringing a huge Bible to thump everyone with.

Mike Huckabee, going one better, had decided to

“rely on the Word of Almighty God alone.”

“Christie’s big fat mouth would keep him competitive, just as it has until now,” said Ailes.

Rick Perry had developed something called the “Oops,” a secret weapon allowing him to “disappear” other candidates by failing to remember their names one out of three times.

Dr Ben Carson’s Hunger Games debate strategy was to bore everyone to death. “He’s bringing a podium,” said Ailes, “and will simply keep droning on until the rest commit suicide.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Trump Challenges Opponents to ‘Biggest Dick’ Contest

Walter Palmer, Lion Killer: It Gets Worse

NEW YORK – Donald Trump announced today that he was challenging his fellow presidential candidates to a ‘Biggest Dick” contest before the next debate. He added that the winner should be immediately declared the Republican Party’s nominee.

“Of course I’ll win,” the tou sle-haired loudmouth boomed with his characteristic modesty.

“O ld To m “The losers will be fired from Jones, here,” he the primaries,” said Trump. smirked, gesturing at his crotch, “is a world-class, plastic-surgeon guar an teed, gold-and-di a mond encrusted weapon of mass destruction with the words ‘Trump Tower’ engraved on it in red and gold neon lights all along the shaft.”

“However the real classy touch,” the ballsy billionaire went on, “is that the words slowly reveal themselves letter by letter as the erection

Walter Palmer, the American Rambo impersonator who shot, killed and then took a selfie with famed Zimbabwean Cecil “the Friendly Lion,” is now one of the most hated men in the world. But soon he may be even more reviled.

You may recall Biddy the globe-trot ting hedge hog, who passed away recently.

Tom Unterseher and Toni DeWeese, Biddy’s owners, told the world that the four-year-old hedgehog succumbed to illness – however, the shocking truth has just emerged.

It’s true that Biddy smoked close to thirty cigarettes a day, but cancer was not the ultimate cause of death. The pair’s statement read: “We treated Biddy as if he was our child. We smoked the finest weed together, drank quality wine, watched Breaking Bad, even brought the little guy to meet his favorite rapper – 50 Cent. We miss him, and it’s time to come clean.”

increases – which I made the Chinese pay for!

Also, the only reason my wives divorced me was because I wanted them to.”

Other candidates were quick to accept the challenge. Sen. Cruz said he was already at work lengthening his own phallic symbol by wrapping bacon around it.

“Would you like some? It’s kinda warm and salty,” he added, grinning.

Mike Huckabee said, “I might be willing if my measurements could be taken in the girls’ shower room and maybe with Josh Duggar looking on.”

Carly Fiorina was predictably furious. “It’s just the bloody old boy network again,” she fumed. “If it was a matter of balls, I could take on any one of them. But there’s no way I can be a bigger dick than Donald. Dammit, why can’t it be who’s the biggest c–?” She broke off, blood starting to seep from her eyes.

Of all the candidates, however, Dr Ben Carson seemed the most self-assured. “Look, man, I’m the only black dude in this race,” he smiled.

Reported by Michael Egan.

The state ment, which ap pears on the “BiddyCent” account, which has over 800,000 followers, goes on to reveal some sobering truths: “It breaks our hearts, but on April 24th, 2015, Wal ter Palmer approached us and offered us $150,000 to dropkick our spiky little friend into the Colorado River. We regret to say, Biddy left our home with Mr. Palmer.

“We will never forget the fi nal hours spent with Biddy, the endless lines of cocaine, the strippers, the overall chaos, it’s what the little guy wanted – he never stopped smiling that night. We know this news is hard to digest. However, although we couldn’t have asked for a better hedgehog, $150,000 is way better than a spiky, chain smoking rodent.” #biddythehedgehog #swimstronglittlebuddy #biddycent #filthyrich Reported by John Glynn.

Texans Celebrate Victory Over the Union & Obama’s “Jade Helm” Attack WACKO, TX – Church bells rang throughout Texas today as people danced in the streets, celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, defeating Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15” attack.

“We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted newly elected Gov. Greg Abbott.

Waving messages of congratulations and support from Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party inebri ates, Abbott con tin ued: “Obama was preparing to invade us, but I put the Texas State Guard on alert to protect our guns, women and

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children. They seen ’em off pretty damn quick!”

The governor paused to drape himself defiantly in not one, but two Confederate flags and several “Remember the Alamo!” stickers.

Abbot went on to note that, under the guise of conducting the “Jade Helm 15” military exercises, Obama and his “thugger friends” had been planning a lightning “Hitler-style blitzkrieg” attack, followed by the declaration of martial law throughout the state.

“Forcibly disarmed inebriates would be imprisoned in the five Wal-Marts recently closed

for so-called renovation, and compelled to become Muslims. Their women and chil dren would be sold off to Boko Haram, and the men dressed in orange jump suits and beheaded on national TV,” Abbot said. “The objectives included the annexation of Texas by the United States and the proclamation of Sharia Law.” Abbott said that Jesus had given the Lone Star state its first military victory since the 1860s. In the aftermath, Texas would be rededicating itself to God, the Holy Constitution and the return of its gold from wherever the Federal

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government had concealed it.

“We believe in the Three G’s,” the governor said. “Guns, Gold and Geesus, not necessarily in that order.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

September, 2015

The Great Race The Republican debate season is underway...

and everybody wants in.

Some longshots are quite confident...

that they know how to get votes.

The party is very well-funded...

yet finds itself in a quandary.

Old school Republicans miss the way it was...

September, 2015

even as history seems poised to repeat itself.

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Trump Card The biggest star of the circus rolls on...

swatting away the competition like flies.

He seemingly can do no wrong...

and does not lack in self-esteem.

His immigration policy is quite popular...

but establishment Repubs have a problem with him.

It’s not all bad, though...

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and who knows what’s really going on behind the scenes?

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2015

Bite Me! I love summer. And guess who else adores these balmy August days? The local mosquito population! When I step outside, if there’s a mosquito within miles, it will start heading in my direction – as will all of its brothers and sisters – eagerly anticipating a delicious snack.

If there were a Michelon Guide for mosquitoes, I’d get a 4 star review: “Fragrant! Warm! Delicious! With just a hint of salt!”

I’m what’s technically known among entomologists – the folks who (inexplicably) devote themselves to studying insects – as a “mosquito magnet.”

“One in ten people are highly attractive to mosquitoes,“ reports Jerry Butler, PhD emeritus at the University of Florida, on WebMD. It’s a scientific fact – some folks are more attractive to the pesky little blood suckers than others.

And some are less. My ex-husband was a mosquito repellent. Whenever we spent time together in the Great Outdoors, I’d end up covered with bites, and he wouldn’t have a single

one. I’d stand next to Rick and actually see the bugs flying past him to get to me.

Why, from a mosquitoes point of view, are some of us thin gruel, while others are a gourmet feast? Body chemistry.

Emit lots of carbon dioxide, researchers have found, and mosquitoes crave you. Pregnant women are more attractive, as are people drinking alcohol. Also irresistible? People with high concentrations of steroids or cholesterol on their skin’s surface.

It’s not just your chemistry. It’s also your clothing. Mosquitoes are drawn to dark colors.

Even so, I’m not about to abandon my closet full of lovely Eileen Fisher grays and blacks and start wearing pastels.

Instead, over time, I’ve learned some coping skills. When I’m outdoors, I keep moving. It’s harder for The Enemy to attack a moving target.

Stop and smell the roses? No way. If I pause, even for a moment, I’m brunch.

When my neighbor Deb invites me onto her lusciously landscaped porch for a chat, I’ll turn her down. Two minutes in that bug-rich envi-

ronment and I’m a goner.

“I can light a citronella candle!” she’ll offer.

Alas, the power of citronella can’t hold a candle to my overwhelming mosquito magnetism.

The way mosquitoes perceive me has affected the way I see the world around me. Others see a still pool of water and think, “How lovely!”

I think “Natural mosquito breeding spot!”

A beautiful park with lots of flowering shrubs?

In those shrubs are lots of hungry bugs.

I’ve learned to avoid doing anything that involves sitting around outdoors. For instance?

Picnics. Eating outside just provides the bug population with a terrific opportunity to eat ME. A lovely outdoor cocktail party? To the mosquito, a schmorgas bord. And I’m the tastiest morsel on display.

If only bug desirability were something that one outgrew. You’ve heard of so-called Middle-aged invisibility? When we women reach a certain age, rather than continuing to draw the

ROZ WARREN

male gaze, we become invisible. I’d be fine with that if it applied to mosquitoes too.

Wouldn’t it be great if, upon reaching 60, my body chemistry changed, and the bugs finally went after somebody else?

Instead, bugs, unlike the rest of the world, are apparently going to find me hot forever.

Mosquitoes have been around for 170 million years. They aren’t go ing any where.

Clearly, it’s up to me to adapt.

So if you want to chat, I’ll be the picnic guest in the Hazmat suit.

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: a Collection of Library Humor (available at amazon.com). This piece first appeared on Zestnow.com.)

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15

Systemic Bias The Black Lives Matter movement is going mainstream...

but they are being discredited.

It’s built into the system...

and while awareness of police bias has increased...

it remains quite ingrained.

Arrests are disproportionate...

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while racists work hard to convince us they’re not...

and it’s a culture that is hard to live with.

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September, 2015

Repetition

Moral Cavity

We hope it’s not coming to a theater near you...

He feigns innocence...

but if it does, the media is ready...

but no one believes him.

and the debate will go on.

The so-called sport is more like a massacre...

Meanwhile, we may have to adapt.

September, 2015

and to some degree, the tables have turned.

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17

Miscellaneous Mischief

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September, 2015

September, 2015

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