Humor Times, October 2015

“Well, you can beat on your chest, hell, any monkey can.” – Bruce Springsteen, ‘Real Man’ Issue #285

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October, 2015

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2015

Editor’s Letter Once again, the country is gearing up early – very early – for a presidential election, American style.

However, rather than being the serious undertaking it should be, and a source of national pride for citizens, it’s just another corporate-sponsored spectacle.

“Debates” are presented in a circus-like atmosphere, designed to sell as many commercials as possible, as part of this latest “reality show” series that will last through November 2016.

Contestants are hand-picked by multi-billionaires and their vested interests, all vetted to insure either their willingness to toe the corporate-approved line once they get elected (should they be “serious” contenders), or for their entertainment value (should they just be one of the supporting cast).

Each episode – euphemistically called a “debate” – is carefully presented and choreographed. As little as possible is left to chance, as the actors are all expected to stick to the script, with some ad libbing allowed, to give the appearance of genuineness.

As the months pass, contestants are “voted off” the show one by one (i.e. their billionaire funding dries up), and eventually we get to the really big show – the corporate extravaganza known as the party convention. This is where the final contestants, hand picked ahead of time, are made official, and where the previous hard-line messaging to the party base cast aside. We’re all expected to now simply forget the insane pandering to the extremes that we’ve been subjected to, as the candidates’ messages get a bit more nuanced, and the finalists try to out-“American pie” each other.

Finally, you – the home audience – get to choose the grand prize winner! To vote in this public election, you will use electronic devices running proprietary software, owned by private companies. No problem! The state election boards have no access to these machines, once approved, so there will be no meaningful recounts. Who cares?

Welcome to elections – American style! All hail the new, corporate-approved chief!

– James Israel, Editor

Booo! Happy Fall!

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 24, Issue 285, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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October, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

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Roller Coaster China’s stock market is taking us for a wild ride...

It’s a mad, mad world...

and stuff happens...

Meanwhile, it’s getting worse...

that can affect everyone.

if we can get unstuck.

but there are things we can do...

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but they’re a little queasy too.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2015

No Place to Go A humanitarian crisis is growing...

and seems out of control.

It started with the destabilization of the Middle East...

Obama is increasing the number of refugees we accept...

who really need to step up their game.

October, 2015

otherwise known as “Mission Accomplished.”

but it’s far less than other countries...

Meanwhile, few can imagine what it must be like.

HUMOR TIMES

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How They Spent Their Summer Vacations Presidential candidates used their summer vacations to improve themselves – here’s how.

Time to yodel a big old welcome back to the same old grind from our too brief summer respite. And yes, that does include the umpteen-gazillion presidential candidates returning from their home districts with batteries and bank accounts recharged. With an emphasis on the moolah.

Since the hot air dirigible that is Donald Trump is sucking all the oxygen out of the room like a warehouse full of vacuum cleaners the size of the Idaho, we here at Durstco figured folks might be interested in how the other White House wannabees spent their summer vacations.

So our board of directors authorized the commission of a series of hard-hitting, fact-finding, investigative reports utilizing every tool at the modern journalist’s disposal: Facebook, Tinder, straight up rumors, things overheard in line at the grocery store, bribes, threats, dirty laundry, stories reported by others with enough changes to slip past those pesky algorithms, just making stuff up. You know – the usual.

After gathering voluminous amounts of data, we sifted through the informational detritus to track down the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, with just a little room left over for stuff that we wanted to be true and are proud to reveal the results in this segment called How They Spent Their Summer Vacations.

• Chris Christie held a seminar on “How to Survive a Scandal” for which United CEO, Jeff Smisek, paid a lot of money not to attend.

• John Kasich checked into a Swiss spa for a charisma implant, which alas, didn’t take.

• In an attempt to trump Trump, Scott Walker called for a wall to

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be built on the Canadian border as well as the Mexican, and also wants a force field erected around the state of Wisconsin designed to repulse outside union agitators.

• Marco Rubio held a series of mock debates on immigration with himself and actually came close to winning a few.

• Gearing up for the big fall push, George Pataki, Rick Santorum, Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Jim Gilmore, Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul and Bobby Jindal all took three month naps.

• Hillary Clinton scrubbed several email servers on her back porch then used them to prop up various lawn umbrellas.

• Hillary’s staff broke 18 federal laws hacking into Ashley Madison’s client list to keep from revealing Bill Clinton’s platinum member status.

• Ben Carson spent his time being seen reading the Bible.

• The corpse of Ronald Reagan spun in his grave so rapidly, if hooked up to a generator, he could power the entirety of Simi Valley.

• Rick Perry went off his meds and no one noticed.

• Joe Biden walked many beautiful beaches wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops.

• Carly Fiorina binge-watched the entire first season of Madame Secretary.

• Ted Cruz developed 34 more scenarios to repeal Obama Care.

• Jeb Bush desperately probed different genealogy websites in a futile attempt to prove he was adopted.

• Martin O’Malley looked coy.

• Mike Huckabee embarked upon a “Hug a Christian Hypocrite Tour,” starting with a child molester and moving on to a bigot.

• Responding to accusations of being an old crank with the sense of humor of an end table, Bernie Sanders changed his campaign website address to heyyoukidsgetoffofmylawn.com.

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

Bright Sides to the Perpetual Campaign The ‘Campaign That Never Ends’ is actually a pretty entertaining reality TV show.

Easy to tell the end of summer the year before a presidential election is nigh, because that bothersome quadrennial buzzing noise is back. And no, we’re not talking about candidates riding the Tilt-a-Whirl at the Iowa State Fair after eating pork on a stick.

Every four years, the nation reverberates with a low drone whine about the American presidential election campaign process being too long. Not to mention demeaning, tortuous and more boring than watching varnish harden.

You got to be kidding. This must be a crude attempt at jest.

Surely you moonlight as a semi-professional leg puller. Quit asking: “Do we really have to pay attention for a whole year and a half?” The answer is, you betcha baby.

The 18 month 24/7 campaign is illuminating, illustrative and lucrative. For comedians and the blogosphere. And pundits and pharmaceutical salesmen. Bumper sticker manufacturers. Character assassinators. Bartenders. East Chinese shrimp farmers.

Pollsters and soothsayers.

Each and every day, we are witness to at least one of the 17 gazillion grasping GOPers tripping over their own open mouth, sprawling in a manner not un-reminiscent of possum roadkill.

And on the other side of the information highway, let’s all sit in the shade and watch another little piece of Hillary Clinton get stripped right off the bone.

This is reality TV at its finest. Has any body ever complained that the Kardashian show has been run ning too long? Well, yeah. Okay. A little bit. Especially lately.

But for a long time, no, and why not? Because participants keep finding new and creative ways to highlight their positions. And also they live by the guide lines that any piece of spandex that they can squeeze into… fits.

Ex cept for the spandex, pretty much the same is true with this motley political crew, only the negotiation for sponsorship deals with moisturizers are replaced with negotiations for nuclear non- proliferation.

Ot her t han t ha t – eer i e similarities.

So here it is: A list of the Brightsides of Enduring a Presidential Election Campaign That Greatly Exceeds the General Pub lic’s Abil ity to Feign Interest.

• Mike Huckabee could actually break the world record for non-stop cluelessness.

• Plenty of time left for Joe Biden to make up his mind whether he’s running or not. Or not.

• If Donald Trump hasn’t insulted your particular interest group yet, don’t worry, he’ll get around to you eventually.

• George Pataki could decide he needs to spend more time annoying his family.

• Every single day you can watch Bernie Sanders get crankier.

• Plenty of time for Rick Perry to extend his “hey, I’m really smart” make-over by growing an Albert Einstein haircut.

• Can count on at least 16 or 17 more Hillary email dumps before the first primary.

• Jeb Bush can finally perfect an answer to that nagging question “what would you have done in Iraq?”

• John Kasich could arrange for a charisma implant.

• See Marco Rubio earn that touch of grey above the sideburns he so desperately desires.

• Gives Chris Christie plenty of time to exercise and adopt a sensible diet to get down to his fighting weight of 320.

• Ted Cruz can mount an entire season series of filibusters.

• Gives Scott Walker the opportunity to scrub his name off the Ashley Madison client list.

• More Benghazi hearings.

October, 2015

Blown Away Live

Heroes & Villains

America thought it could no longer be shocked...

Finally, some good news, for a change...

but heroes remain in short supply.

but the horror was bound to spill onto live TV...

Meanwhile, paranoid anti-heroes are plentiful... since it is happening so often...

and we may not be safe until we build a wall. and is such a popular sport.

October, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

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Environment

Online

It’s hard to know what’s what anymore...

“Like” it or not...

as absurd juxtapositions seem to slap you in the face. progress continues...

Meanwhile, the west is on fire...

which can be scary at times.

and wildlife is just trying to survive human encroachment.

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HUMOR TIMES

But there is a way out.

October, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown Buying a President for 30 Bucks and Change The super-rich spend billions to buy the president – but your little donation can counter them.

For today’s report, I have a bunch of statistics for you. Wait – don’t run away! Where are you going? Come back here and sit still while I drill these stats into your head! It’ll be fun, and you’ll learn something.

I realize that numbers can numb the brain, but this is a good story, and I promise that these statistics are easy to absorb. In fact, the number 400 pretty much sums up this story of political intrigue and corruption involving some of America’s wealthiest families and corporations.

Let’s start with the “Billionaire 400,” a clique of the elite organized by the conniving Koch brothers. These ultra-rich right-wingers gather each winter in some warm-weather resort for a secretive, invitation-only retreat. There, they plot strategies and pledge money for electing politicos who’ll support their vision of corporate rule in America. For the 2016 elections, they’ve already committed nearly a billion dollars to impose their vision of plutocracy over our democratic ideals – double the combined amount that the Republican and Democratic parties will spend. I wonder: what do they think they’re

getting for that price?

Then there are the secretive super PACs that are sacking-up tens of millions of dollars to back various candidates for president. Again, a few hundred corporations and rich families – each writing checks for hundreds of thousands and even millions of dollars – have put up nearly half of all the money in these electioneering committees.

Keep that 400 number in mind when I offer my sincerest congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Middle-Class America, since they are all the rage in this present presidential contest, for Jeb, Hillary, and all the rest – even The Donald – say their campaigns are all about the hurting middle class that hasn’t yet recovered from the Great Recession. Well, don’t look now, but after each one promises that they’ll do the most for the Great Mass of the Middle Class, they disappear into the shadows and scurry off to schmooze with the little group of Americans they truly love: The exclusive club of multimillionaires and billionaires, who are shoveling those big bucks into those campaign pockets.

Now, back to our statistics: Jeb Bush got a million dollars each from 26 of his super PAC backers; Hillary Clinton took a million each

from nine funders; of the $16 million in Marco Rubio’s PAC, 78 percent came from only four donors; and Ted Cruz got the most from the fewest, taking practically all of his $37 million from just three fat-cat families.

So while candidates for the highest office in our land are soaking up applause for the grand rhetoric they’re giving to the middle class, they’re also quietly sacking up millions of dollars by pledging their steadfast fealty to the ruling class. Donating millions is not an innocent or noble political transaction. Written on the backs of each of their checks is their own corporate agenda, trumping the people’s agenda.

Ironically, it’s Donnie Trump, the bombastic billionaire, who candidly admits that these so-called “gifts” amount to the outright, plutocratic purchase of politicians. He’s long been a campaign donor in order to secure political favors, he confesses, and it works: “When I need something from them … they are there for me.”

There’s a word for that: Corruption.

But now, here comes the antidote to this corruption of our politics by fat cats. Instead of being financed by 400 special interests, Bernie Sanders’ campaign has raised its $15 million (as of July) from over 400,000 ordinary Americans.

In fact, the average donation to Bernie is a heartwarming, soul-saving $31.30!

You can’t buy a president for just over 30 bucks – but you can help elect one who isn’t

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Campaigning, American Style The race is on...

to sort out the confusion...

and a new tool will help.

October, 2015

But most of America is just tuning out.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Day Care Staff Fighting Mad ‘Fight Club’ Busted Obvi ously bored with their mun dane lives, staff at a day care decided to inject a little excitement into their job — by starting their very own “Fight Club.”

On Thursday, shortly after two workers were charged with child abuse, Erica Kenny, one of the innovative culprits involved, had this to say: “The rules of Fight Club vary around the world. The first rule of African Tribe Fight Club is to not to make a song and dance about the society, and that’s pretty difficult for people who literally sing and dance

every single day. The first rule of Philosopher’s Fight Club is the realization that we on earth exist as both the fight and the club. The first rule of Children’s Fight Club, our now defunct club, is not to tell your mom, and obviously one member broke this rule. The little shit!”

The Lightbridge Acad emy cen ter in Cranford, New Jersey, where the sadistic brawling occurred, released a statement that read: “Although we were shocked and saddened by this isolated incident, the standard of fighting was very impressive. Children as young as three showing such exceptional cardio reserves, how can one not be impressed?”

One of the children involved, three year old Charlie “Nunchucks” Doyle, in an interview with CNN, listed the other six rules of Fight Club. “Well, the third rule is simple — if someone says “stop,” goes limp, or taps out, then the fight is over. The fourth rule: Only two kids can fight at any one time. The fifth rule: Go to the toilet beforehand, no potty breaks during a fight. Sixth rule: No weaponry of any kind, we’re talking knuckledusters and the likes. Seventh rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to. And the final rule: If this is your first day in Fight Club, you HAVE to fight, no pussying out,” said the hardened youngster.

According to authorities, Kenny recorded videos of the fights and shared the clips with close friends on social media.

Unsurprisingly, the ma jor ity of par ents whose children attended the center said they were disgusted and saddened by the lack of professionalism, although Charlie’s father, Tommy Doyle, was less perturbed.

“It’s a tough world out there, unforgiving and cruel, so I’m glad my boy is physically and mentally equipped to face the pressures coming his way. I’ve been speaking with Dana White, the President of the UFC, and he says Charlie has real potential.”

Reported by John Glynn.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis to Take it Further: ‘Pork Eaters Can Suck It!’

Fox and Trump Reach ‘Non-Nuclear’ Deal

Pledges to end the hypocrisy and start enforcing “God’s law” in all cases

NEW YORK – Donald Trump announced today that he had “forced Fox News to its cowardly knees,” after signing a “non-nu clear” TV pact with the company ’s pr es i dent , Roger Ailes.

Un der the deal, Fox will continue to broadcast every narcissistic, bombastic and self-aggrandizing remark Trump utters, no matter how dishonest, deceitful and factually incorrect.

“While, on my side,” the megalomaniac mogul noted, “I have agreed to let Megyn Kelly keep her pathetic little job.”

Trump noted additionally that for the next 15 years Kelly will have to wear an “I’m a Bimbo!” button stating “I was Nearly Fired!”

Trump took off his red baseball cap, toupee lifting slightly. “I liked The Kelly File better without her,” he said. “Maybe she could take another eleven days’ vacation.”

Cynical observers, however, have noted that the “phony war” sniping between Trump and Kelly may just be hype for a second interview between the two that could be ratings magic.

[Editor’s Note: Asked about Sen. Bernie Sanders and the nearly quarter-million Americans who have attended his meetings throughout the country, and the over 100,000 planning to attend his DC rally in October, Fox News’ Mr Ailes and the heads of CBS, NBC and CNN all responded: “Bernie who?”]

Reported by Michael Egan.

A Humor Times Exclusive Rowan County, Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis, who married four times, is still “protecting the sanctity of marriage” by invoking “God’s auth o r ity ” and n ot is s u ing marriage licenses to gays, despite a stint in jail and a rebuke from the Supreme Court. But in order to “avoid the appearance of hypocrisy,” she said, she will refuse marriage licenses to couples who eat pork as well.

“The law I’m following is higher than the state law I’m sworn to uphold,” said Kim Davis. “Jesus told me so. Personally.”

“So, unholy pork eaters can suck it!” she said. “They are violating God’s law – Deuteronomy 14:8. Bacon for breakfast? You can stay single and cook it for yourself then, you evil infidel. And if I were your pastor, you’d be out of my church too!”

“Of course, as a woman, I could never be a pastor, nor would I ever dream of even uttering a peep in church! The Lord forbids it – 1 Corinthians 14:34. That’s why I do all my religious pontificating at work instead,” she said.

Davis added that “since America is based on Christianity, despite what those heathen founding fathers said,” she would also be denying divorce certificates to anyone. “God clearly says you must not divorce – Matthew 5:32, 19:9, Mark 10:11 and Luke 16:18 – and that you can’t marry anyone who’s ever been divorced.”

“Man, this is awesome,” she went on, “I’m going to really cut down on my work load!

Praise the Lord. Thank you, Jesus!”

And that’s just the beginning of the changes Kim Davis plans to implement in Rowan County, now that she will be strictly adhering to the Bible in her secular government post.

“No more passports or property deeds for longhairs – l Corin thi ans 11:14 – or welldressed women – l Timothy 2:9 and 1 Peter 3 :3, no licenses for tattooed business owners – Leviticus 19:28, and definitely no county IDs for those godless beard-trimmers!

Leviticus 19:27,” she said.

“I never imagined I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Jesus Himself regarding marriage,” Davis said earlier in a written statement. “And the fact that Jesus never once commented on same-sex practices in the Bible is just proof he was totally embarrassed by such unholiness.”

Later, informed that fighting the issue in court like she did is against biblical teaching (1 Corinthians 6:1), Davis said, “Oh, shit! I mean, Jesus fucking Christ! Sorry, Lord … I mean golly gee-wiz. Well, hell, I guess I’ll have to resign after all.”

When this Good News was announced, all of Rowan County “rejoiced exceedingly with great joy.” (Matthew 2:10)

Inspired by Cheney, Hitler, from Hell, Defends 1938 Invasion DEPTHS OF HELL – Interviewed last night via GoogleSeance™ satellite, former German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler said passionately that he has no regrets about his decision to invade the Sudetenland in 1938.

Hitler added that he had been prompted to speak by Dick Cheney’s “masterful interview with Anderson Cooper last night. God, I wish I’d had television in my day,” he sighed, “especially Fox.” Speaking from the Depths of Hell, to which he is eternally confined, the ex-Fuhrer added that his invasion of Czechoslovakia, like Operation Iraqi Freedom, “was the right thing to do at the time. I believed it then and I believe it now.

Like the Bush administration, I have no apologies.”

He added that given the intelligence available in 1938, his government had no alternative but to invade.

“Even knowing what we know today,” he added between gasps of pain as the Devil’s Tormentors relentlessly plied their task, “it was a really good deal. The world was a better and safer

place afterwards. The years of war, destruction and human misery that followed were well worth it.”

“Hell Hitler,” as his fellow devilish inmates mockingly saluted him, noted that at the time of his invasion, Czechoslovakia possessed vast energy resources, especially coal and oil. These facts alone entitled “the greatest country in the world,” to seize them “for the greater good of Germany, and of course Prescott Bush in America, who bankrolled us for a cut in the profits.”

He went on: “Contrary to the historical facts, we left Europe in great shape. But then, I’m not a scientist. If only our policies had been continued.”

The flaming fiery fuhrer blamed the Greek crisis, the rise of China and the Fukushima nuclear disaster on President Obama and later governments for withdrawing too soon. “Imagine if we still had 100,000 troops in Czechoslovakia today,” he said.

On a more personal note, the damned dictator said that apart from his hourly water-boardings and rectal-rehydrations, he feels most hurt by

History ’s har sh j udgm ent upon him.

“I had real class once,” he said, “just like Dick Cheney claimed in his Anderson Hitler interviewed in Hell: Cooper inter“You’re next, Cheney!” view. Cheney and me,” he added, “we coulda been contenders, instead of the miserable, lying, sociopathic, self-serving bums we really are.”

The frantic fuhrer suddenly and dramatically ripped off his famous toothbrush mustache, revealing features astonishingly like America’s most despised vice president.

“That’s right, Dick Cheney, you’re next!” he screamed, as a group of laughing demons fed him piece by piece into a roaring gas oven.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Animal Farm 2.0 Attacked as Controversial Children’s Book

‘You’re Ugly!’ Insults Break Out Among Rival GOP Candidates

According to Ben Carson, the American author, presidential candidate and close friend of God, “On first look, yes, the kangaroos, sheep, penguins and cows adorning the cover of Animal Farm 2.0 appear to be nothing more than innocent characters, but look closer, people, and you uncover a disturbing narrative.”

“Conservatives, myself included,” he explained, “are worried, and rightly so. This book is the greatest threat to our proud nation since Dan Brown’s tale involving Waldo joining ISIS.” Following the adventures of a tortoise with many different types of friends may seem harmless enough, however, the family dynamics discussed in the book – in clud ing same sex relationships – have conservatives crying foul.

Animal Farm 2.0, the work of Italian author Francesca Pardi, sees Tobias encounter a pair of gay racoons with a penchant for BDSM, lesbian guinea pigs that successfully raise a family, as well as other family models, including a single parent zebra, a mixed race hedgehog couple, and two iguanas that fight the system and end up adopting three baby seals.

Animal Farm 2.0 is not the first children’s book to cause controversy in the U.S. A handful of controversial kids’ books have

WASHINGTON, DC – Donald Trump says he was only talking about Carly Fiorina’s “persona” – not her looks – when he suggested that

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been in the news lately. From a book about a 3-year-old girl with a genuine fear of full fat milk to a 7-year-old boy desperate to marry his iPhone, many parents are very worried.

Last week saw Maurice Sendak, the popular children’s book author behind the much loved Where the Wild Things Are, release a new book. The Swine and the Selfie Stick focuses on a narcissistic 9-year-old pig who lives a very strange life. Rolling in shit by day, Facebook trolling at night, this supposedly light-hearted kids book has many parents baying for Sendak’s blood.

Just F**king Sleep, another controversial release, is not your average children’s book. Samuel L. Jackson, the Hollywood actor and author, described it as “a children’s book for child-like adults.” Lastly, Paul M. Kramer’s George Shuns Gluten is about a 7-year-old who adopts a very specific diet. The plot summary states George “goes on a gluten free diet and is transformed from being overweight, lethargic, puffy and insecure to a beautifully sculpted boy who becomes the school stud. Through time, cardio and kettlebell training, George becomes more self-assured and develops an impressive physique.”

Reported by John Glynn.

shuddering Republicans couldn’t possibly vote for “that horsey, ar ro gant, self-sat is fied anorgasmic face.”

In an in ter view in Roll ing Stone, the front-runner among GOP candidates said of his rival for the nomination, and only female Republican running, “Look at that face!”

“Would anyone vote for that?” Trump asked incredulously. “Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”* Asked to comment, Fiorina fired back: “Well, I think that orange-furred dick looks like a fucking orangutan, and if you want another opinion, ask Bill Maher!”

“So far as I know,” Fiorina said, “the hairy

HUMOR TIMES

ape hasn’t yet produced his birth certificate proving his father wasn’t an orangutan. And then he quietly dropped his $5 million law suit against Maher, which says it all, doesn’t it?”

Other GOP candidates were quick to leap onto the latest media band wagon.

“Let’s face it, Kim Davis is as ugly as sin, maybe even uglier,” said Mike Huckabee about the Kentucky bigot, whom he supports, who refuses to license gay marriages. “How she got married even once, never mind four times, is beyond me. Frankly, she looks just like Dick Cheney with hair, did you see that meme?”

Dr Ben Carson said that in his medical opinion Bobby Jindal was by far the ugliest of the GOP candidates in the entire field.

“As someone who has carried out fetal tissue research,” he said, “Jindal resembles a fried green jalapeno pepper slowly atrophying in the Louisiana sun.”

Lindsey Graham then jumped desperately into the fray. “Well, Ted Cruz looks like a great fat pig,” he sneered. “Especially since Teddy just fried some bacon on his AR-Phallus.”

All the candidates, however, were united in a single condemnation: They universally hate Jeb(!) Bush. “Read our lips: No more ugly-ass bush-whacking Bushes,” they shouted in unison.

Reported by Michael Egan. *Actual quote.

October, 2015

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who could give Hillary a run for the money.

But one of them doesn’t even care about the money...

and yet she’s still feeling the Bern.

October, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

13

The Great Race Jeb! says he’s up to Trump’s level...

and that slow and steady will do it.

and floated his proposed budget.

He praised his brother’s presidency...

As other candidates assert their individuality...

they all dutifully proclaim their love of Reagan...

Once make their pick, they’ll be on their way. whose presence could be felt at the debate.

14

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2015

The Donald Trump knows how to appeal to his base...

and how to get the job.

and that he is the only winner.

He knows everyone else is a loser...

by returning them to greatness...

He insists his presence is lifting the GOP...

because he’s the greatest ever...

October, 2015

and will deliver on his promises.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2015

Miscellaneous Mischief

October, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

17

Parting Shots: Hillary Hillary knows what she needs...

and wants to reveal her light side...

as she reasserts her dominance.

She’s got to get that monkey gorilla off her back...

and convince people she really means it...

no matter how many takes it takes.

She’s getting frustrated...

18

but the worst could be yet to come.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2015

October, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

19

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