Humor Times, November 2015

“Climate change is, I would argue, the greatest single free-market failure. This is what happens when you don’t regulate corporations and you allow them to treat the atmosphere as an open sewer.” – Naomi Klein Issue #286

www.HumorTimes.com

November, 2015

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Formerly the Comic Press News

®

Hey, Kids! Check Out the Retro-Style Print Format!

To Operate, No Clicking Needed: Simply Turn Page! • Also in New-Fangled Digital Format • Subscriptions Available Worldwide

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

2

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

Editor’s Letter I thought Republicans wanted to win back the White House, but now I’m not so sure. After all, they seem to be doing everything they can to help the Democrats keep it.

For one, they seem determined to nominate a sure loser. Despite Donald Trump’s constant “I’m a winner” refrain, it seems pretty certain he’d lose in the general election, as would their other front runner, Ben “Just Jump ’em” Carson.

Trump is an egotistic know-nothing blowhard, and there’s no way he’ll get much more than the tea party vote. Carson is worse, because not only must he be the world’s stupidest surgeon (how the hell did a guy who doesn’t believe in science get through medical school, anyway?), he has zero charisma. In fact, he has powerfully negative charisma. Charisma runs from him like roaches from light. He would put the entire country to sleep in ten minutes in a one-on-one televised debate.

Although Trump would no doubt continue to be quite entertaining – comedians everywhere are praying he’s the Republican nominee – his shortcomings are glaringly obvious. In moments of candor, he admits as much. He says he knows how to pick the “right team,” is a “quick learner” and knows the “art of the deal.” Well, he might know a thing or two about how to use bankruptcy laws to cheat business investors out of money, but you can’t use that “skill” in government.

As for learning on the job, experience in government is one place Hillary, and even Bernie Sanders, have a huge advantage. And I wouldn’t trust any team The Donald would put together, any more than I would Donald Duck’s. Trump has already been fawning over Sarah Palin, Ben Carson, Ann Coulter and other far-right loonies. Talk about scary.

Well, if the GOP wants to hand the Democrats the election, I’m all for it – an all-Republican Washington is a terrifying prospect. It might even help bring a wave of Democrats back to the House and Senate. Then perhaps we could actually make some progress on the pressing needs of this country, and of an over-heating world.

– James Israel, Editor

Happy Thanksgiving!

Group Trips for 2016 Booking Now!

Call or visit our store: raftwet-store.com 1.888.723.8938 Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet Website! raftwet.com

P S T R I R E R I V Since 1978

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!

P.S. It is important to support the media you want to have in this modern world. These days, it’s a real struggle for a small publication to stay viable. We depend on your support.

The holiday season is coming up. Please give subscriptions to everyone you know, and share your copy with friends! They’ll thank you for turning them onto something they never even knew existed. Thank you!

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 24, Issue 286, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2015. No part may be reproduced without permission.

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400

Welcome to the

2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Coffee Garden 3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry

3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral

and Coffee Garden Gallery

In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

OMNETWORKS

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $48.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $72.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $6.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

A Complete Internet Solution

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

November, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

3

Benghazing Republicans have long denied it...

but it became painfully obvious...

when someone failed to get the memo.

They’re nothing if not persistent...

but their plan seems to be backfiring.

The latest interrogation did not go well...

they realize it’s time to move on.

and now that the mission is not accomplished...

4

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

House Out of Order The Speaker of the House is checking out...

tired of the dysfunction.

and is ready to move on.

He bid a tearful farewell...

It is proving very challenging to replace him... and even Paul Ryan is hesitant.

The search goes on...

November, 2015

for the person with the right stuff.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Red Meat vs Creme Brulee If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non-existent on the flame.

This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the two parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home.

Even their debating styles are as different as rocket-propelled grenades and rainbow-streamer pinwheels. During their recent spate of infernal internal face-offs, the GOP demonstrated a penchant for biting off big chunks of red meat, which they spat into each other’s faces while Democrats barely summoned the energy to crack the crust of their crPme brulee.

At Democratic family functions everybody sits at the kids’ table. With the adults, (Bernie & Hillary) on one side and the three other guys crammed together on the other. They sat up straight and affected nonchalance, but it was clear they were confused by their forks. Overall, civility reigned, with no one pointing out Lincoln Chafee’s eerie resemblance to Grandpa Munster.

Martin O’Malley, languishing in the low single digits in polls with margins of error of mid single digits, squandered his big chance at the debate to secure a passport to Legitimate Contender Ville, by putting the shill in shilly-shally. All the vision and energy of chilled molasses. Uncaptivating crowds by calling for the reinstatement of Glass-Steagall, which sounds like a Vegas high roller knick-knack.

Jim Webb approached the whole thing as an audition for a

Democratic John McCain tribute band, going so far as to creepily grin while recounting the killing of a Communist. Quick, get his opinion on Sarah Palin.

And no need to break out the drug tests for Lincoln Chafee. No performance-enhancing drugs to be found in his urine. And speaking of Glass-Steagall, this self-described “block of granite” might want to lay off informing people that his vote to repeal was due to the death of his dad. Doesn’t make much sense and loses points for lack of wit.

Focus groups and unrepentant hippies declared Bernie Sanders the debate winner for his lovable irascibility and corkscrew explanation of how to be a socialist and a good capitalist at the same time. He then inexplicably encouraged them to look to Denmark.

Hillary disagreed, saying, “We are not Denmark” — which surprised a significant portion of the audience who had passed the Eiffel Tower on the way there. But the signature debate moment was when the Vermont Senator handed the former Secretary of State a political gift the size of Ted Cruz’s ego by saying “the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails.” His graciousness was trumped only by her insincere laughter.

Although Bill’s wife’s command of the room and the facts made her look, dare we say… presidential, progressives feel the Bern. First a charismatic young black guy, now a charismatic old white guy. Throw in a beret wearing bimbo and Hamlet waiting in the wings and people are starting to misquote Shakespeare…

“2nd Place, thy name is Hillary.”

TP’ing the TPP Awfully fun to watch the different branches of government

WILL DURST

quiver like Aspen trees in a force 5 tornado arguing the pros and cons of the Trans Pacific Partnership trade pact. The TPP is either an environmental travesty designed to set the union movement back 100 years or the spine of the Pacific Rim’s economic pushback against China. Depends on who you talk to. One or the other: nothing in between. It’s two cliffs and a gorge.

Problem is, despite all the blatant blaring blather, no one knows exactly what’s in the 30-chapter, 12-nation agreement, which has spent 10 years in gestation. The public being allowed to see the contents… no times. Zero. Zip. Nada. We’re talking Ultra-Hyper-Super Secret. More classified than Taylor Swift’s cell phone number. As transparent as diving for oil. In Arctic winter.

At night.

You know the drill. “With the TPP, comprehensive market access will eliminate tariffs and promote global job creation.” Blah.

Blah. Blah. “Workers will experience increased affluence while consumers bask in the riches of less expensive imports.” The usual pie-in-the-sky promises from people whose connection to the real world mirrors that of a sultan’s sequestered eunuch’s knowledge of fantasy football.

Though 500 corporate lawyers have worked on the TPP negotiations, not even members of Congress have gotten a copy. No sense riling up the kiddies prematurely. But, in the spirit of the deal itself, utilizing a series of clandestine bribes and extortion, not excluding threats, we here at Durstco are able to exclusively reveal some of the covenant clauses a full month before they are released to the public.

• In an effort to decrease child labor abuses, Malaysia pledges to no longer treat anyone able to smoke cigarettes as an adult.

From now on, they have to light them as well.

• Brunei promises to quit pretending to be a real country until their population exceeds that of Milwaukee.

• Canada doesn’t have to do anything at all, except be their cuddly selves, as long as they stay out of the way of the big boys.

• Peru pledges to conceive of a new word for “currency manipulation” that can be utilized by member nations to placate local troublemakers.

• New Zealand will give it a rest with that whole damn lamb thing.

• The latest version of the TPP requires Vietnam to pay workers the minimum equivalent of 20 US cents per hour — without benefits. 10 cents with.

• The USA will compile a list of their most radical environmentalists who will be restricted from annoying other member nations with boring chants and slogans and emotional appeals based on… “workers’ rights.”

• In an attempt to combat overfishing, Japan agrees to eliminate all drift nets that exceed a mile in length.

• Singapore will be forced to legalize chewing gum and all hell will break loose.

• Mexico will be in charge of the TPP resolution tribunals that adjudicate intellectual property disputes. Based on the theory that an absent witness is an ineffective witness.

• Chile will be encouraged to change its name to something that inspires fewer jokes.

• Australia shall henceforth be required to stop living in the 70s and forever refrain from using the word barbie to describe grills. And Sheila is a woman’s name, not a pronoun.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and cal en dar list ings. Read m o re o f Wi l l Durst at humortimes .com.

6

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

DOA

Deny, Deny, Deny

Recent shootings have triggered more controversy...

Climate change deniers are all wet...

but Repubs say there’s nothing to worry about. but candidate Carson says it’s no problem.

In any case, not much has changed...

Jeb Bush is not overly concerned either...

but that could all change quickly.

November, 2015

and that’s how the oil industry likes it.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Holy Roller It was big news...

when the Pope arrived in the USA.

Congress agreed with much of what he said...

while his speech lasted...

and Speaker Boehner was moved to tears.

Francis got a good taste of the culture...

and our unique take on Christianity.

8

As always, he was empathetic.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

The Hightower Lowdown The Next Speaker of the House If it were under the big top, it would be a hilarious clown show — with pratfalls, wild posturing, tumbling, juggling and a cacophony of comic chaos.

But alas, it’s under the Capitol dome, so it’s just the Republican congressional caucus — bumbling, stumbling, and crashing into each other in clownish acts of ideological zaniness, political incoherence and pathetic ineptitude.

The present bedlam on the Hill was prompted by House Speaker John Boehner abruptly deciding to zip-a-dee-doo-dah out of office, having finally given up on corralling his caucus of clowns.

Sadly, his withdrawal has only intensified the buffoonery, generating a slapstick intramural contest over which group of far-out right-wingers gets their pick to replace him. Boehner’s contingent of anti-government, corporate-hugging extremists want one of their own, while assorted groupings of even fringier, farther-out packs of mad-dog tea party Republicans want someone who’ll howl at the moon and literally shut down the government.

When Boehner gave up his po si tion as Speaker of the House because he couldn’t stand running the show anymore, next in line was Rep. Kevin McCarthy. He started campaigning

for the job, but quickly backed off after he let it slip that the House Benghazi hearings were held just to damage Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and really had nothing to do with national security.

For the moment, Rep. Paul Ryan appears to be the most likely pick, except for two problems: One, he doesn’t really want the thankless task of clown-herding, unless he can get all factions of Republicans to a level of consensus (good luck with that!); and two, even though he is an Ayn Rand-worshipping, Koch-hugging, laissez-fairyland ideologue dedicated to killing everything from Social Security to Obamacare, Ryan is just not right-wing enough for the howlers. He’s considering whether to run for the job, but even if he does — and wins — the spectacle will continue.

The amusing irony in Ryan’s predicament is he helped create his own mess! He was chief architect of the 2010 Republican scheme to take over Congress by recruiting and electing the mad dogs who are now biting him on the butt — and turning the U.S. House of Representatives into the House of Ridiculousness. As Rep. Peter King put it: “We look absolutely crazy.”

And Rep. King is right. What’s at work here is the Crazy Caucus. At one level or another, nearly all Republican House members belong,

but the caucus is driven by about 40 hyper-crazies who believe that the greatest problems facing our country are Hillary Clinton’s emails, Planned Parenthood, the existence of public services and the “hordes” of Mexicans who sneak into our country so they can vote for Democrats.

It’s the job of the House speaker to try “leading” these mad dogs to an occasional bit of sanity.

Who really wants to do that — or even thinks it’s possible?

Well, several of the mad dogs themselves say they should be put in charge as Speaker of the House. Daniel Webster says he’s available (not the smart guy who compiled the dictionary, but a tea party bozo from Florida). Bill Flores, a little-known tea party know-nothing from Texas, says he would unite the House by getting all the members to “spend enough time on our knees praying for each other.” That’s silly, but the idea of keeping lawmakers on their knees is appealing. Mike Pompeo of Kansas, a prince of right-wing pomposity who was elected by the billionaire Koch brothers to be their personal representative in Washington, says he’s ready to lead the House to ward a Koch-headed plutocracy.

That’s pathetic. But wait — we have another surprising choice. It’s a little-known fact, but the speaker of our House of Representatives does not actually have to be a member of Congress.

So why don’t we choose someone like a kindergarten teacher, a minimum-wage worker, an or-

WEBSITE

Creation, Upgrades • Responsive • Get Noticed!

Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination create one from scratch? Or have one, but the time spent maintaining it is taking away from other responsibilities? We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how inexpensively we can design a simple, yet quality website for you. We can work with you no matter where you live. You can trust the competent folks here at the Humor Times!

Humor Times Website Production info@humortimes.com • 916-455-1217 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

We’ve Moved!

2115 J Street, Ste. 102-A Sacramento (In the courtyard next to Tapa the World)

916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com

Open Saturday 10-2

JIM HIGHTOWER

ganic farmer or a circus ringmaster to run the show? Or maybe a group psychologist is what the place really needs.

Holiday Pottery & Art Show Oct. 31st, 10am-4pm Shepard Garden Art Center, 3330 McKinley Blvd., Sac. 21st Annual Fine Arts Festival Nov 13th, 4-8pm Nov 14th, 10am-5pm 920 W. March Ln., Stockton

www.johnreigerpottery.com

Covering Up the Cover Girl It was almost too much to bear...

that Playboy’s models would no longer bare it all.

The new look may ruffle some feathers...

November, 2015

and attract a whole new audience.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

NASA: California Now Above Mars on Water Scarcity List A Humor Times exclusive report The day after NASA announced they had found water on Mars, the agency revised its list of places in the universe with the least amount of water. California and the Sahara desert are now above Mars on the list.

“A year ago, we reported that California’s aquifer was almost depleted. Today, it is, and we can find no running water anywhere in the state. It’s officially drier than Mars,” said

NASA spokes man Dwayne Brown. “The only water we found was imported for sale in plastic bottles.”

Republican candidate for president, Dr. Ben Carson, piped in, al though nobody asked him for his opinion: “I’m a smart guy — a doctor, you know. And I think the scientific reason for the lack of water in California is all the gays. And the Democrats. And abortion.”

Not to be outdone, former Celebrity Apprentice host and rodent hair model Donald Trump said, “I’ll build a canal, a huuuuge canal, a beautiful canal with gold trim, from Mars to California, they’ll have all the water they want. And Martians will pay for it.”

Democratic candidates for president, realizing they were being outflanked on the issue, held their own press conferences.

Bernie Sanders said, “The bil lionaire class gets all the water they want. But the middle class is thirstier, because they do all the work. I’ll put a water tax on the rich, they will have to send every man, woman and child in California a bottle of filtered water, every day, delivered by their limousines — let’s put those hedonistic symbols of decadence to good use.”

Hillary Clinton put in her two cents as well. “Re pub li cans in Con gress have blocked every effort to quench the thirst of hard working Americans in California. I’ll put together a focus group and do some polling, then I’ll know what to say further on this.”

Experts on the drought say it could get much worse. “For now, we recommend watering crops by a method we call ‘P-Diddy Irrigation’ — pee on your crops as you diddle about.”

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Donald Trump Blasts Biblical Moses as ‘Incompetent and Weak’ Calls Jewish hero “a yuuuge loser who had no clue how to negotiate” NYC — Donald Trump says that his famous “Frankly, he couldn’t negotiate his way out inability to cite a single Bible verse forced him of a reed basket floating down the Nile, even afre cently “to take ter phar oah’s just one more look daugh ter adopted inside my favorite him , or s o she book, of course said.” only to refresh my Mr Trump went mem o ry abo u t on to em pha size some of the dethat, “The art of the tails.” deal does not norCaption: Trump mally include o n M o s es : “ A threa t e n i ng t he yuuuge loser who other side, es pecouldn’t negotiate cially not with his way out of a plagues and famTrump: “What a poseur. I could’ve done much better.” reed basket.” ines. A couple of He was amazed at what he rediscovered. strategic nuclear missiles, maybe, but we can Dur ing a press con fer ence Tues day the talk about Iran later.” mop-haired mogul noted in an uncharacteristiHe continued: “In Moses’ case, it just hardcally hushed voice: “Did you know that God ened pharaoh’s heart, so that even after he let the started out as property developer, just like me? people go, he reneged on the deal and came after You won’t believe this, but I always felt a deep them. I call that a failed negotiation.” kinship with Him.” Mr Trump observed that if he’d been the IsSomething that “re-struck” him after re-read- raelite president, he would have worked for and ing, Mr Trump said, was what a “yuuuge, sorry secured a much better deal. loser Moses was,” and how weak and incompe“You hafta ask yourself, what does the other tent he proved in his negotiations with pharaoh. side want? Then give them as little as you can “I’m sorry to say it, but President Moses while making it look like they’re getting it all wasn’t very smart. Apparently, he was pha- and you’re taking a beating. Read The Art of the raoh’s adopted grandson, so at least he shoulda Deal, it’s actually more useful than what that tried being nice to the old boy. Instead he threat- clown Moses wrote.” ens him.

Reported by Michael Egan

Alabama Judge: ‘Let Hunters Gun Down Death Row Inmates’ MOBI LE, AL – Count y Judge Ar a Squatpump has a unique solution to the problem of increasingly unavailable ex e cu tion drugs: al low sports hunt ers to gun down condemned death row convicts in spe cial “execution zones.” “ Da m n e x e c u t i o n drugs just ain’t available no more,” Squatpump explained. “And I thought, hail, you can’t beat ’em to death with a bat, them damn lib’rals would be all over us.”

“So hunting them would solve it, and really be quite humane. Certainly less cruel and unusual than poisoning a man on an operating table and watching him burn to death from the inside.

In America there’s nothing cruel or at unusual about being gunned down by strangers.”

“Plus, it could gen er ate a huge rev enue stream, what with family picnics, spectators and TV rights.”

The new program already has the enthusiastic support of the NRA, whose president, Wayne La Pierre, had volunteered to carry out the first “Killings for Jesus,” as the program was named.

Dick Cheney would be next, and had promised to aim low so as not to disfigure the trophy heads.

Reported by Michael Egan

GOP: Pope a Secret Muslim?

WASHINGTON, DC – The rhetorical question, “Is the Pope Catholic?” has always expected both affirmation and total certainty. It’s even more emphatic than Sarah Palin’s “You betcha!” — wink included.

However, following Pope Francis’ controversial addresses to Congress and the UN, GOP presidential candidates are loudly querying his true convictions, and even his right to hold the office he was elected to.

There is nothing in the Bible, they say, that requires Christians to even recognize the existence of the poor, never mind give them “free stuff,” as Jeb Bush put it. Justice and mercy, they added, are the attributes of Allah, not Jehovah.

The conclusion is obvious, they agree. Francis is a Muslim, and should come out as such.

Several candidates also pointed out that the Pope not even Italian.

Devout Roman Catholic Rick Santorum said,

6 New Apps Revolutionize the Way You Hate Your Technology The excitement over the social internet doesn’t seem to be tapering down anytime soon, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people yearning for the days before they were addicted to their iPhones and Instagram feeds.

Peo ple are ask ing, “Why can’t I do the exact same stupid things on my dig i tal gad getry, just without being miserable all the time?”

Lo and behold, modern technology has come to our rescue again. Here are are six new apps that take ex cit ing new approaches to revolutionizing the way you hate your technology.

1. Uncomplish: In our world of endless online distractions, many task management apps try to help you be more more efficient by monitor ing your prog ress on must-do items.

“Uncomplish,” however, takes a radically different approach: it tracks and awards you points for every moment you’re not reading or watching something with any practical or life-enriching significance. The app has attracted a large user base of people who are tired of feeling hated on for their perpetual unproductivity.

2. Genitly: Overuse of social networking has been linked to depression, largely because seeing glamorized images of other peoples’ lives can cause our own to feel like comparative shit.

“Genitly,” through its proprietary image enhancement technology, solves this in a truly revo lu tion a r y w a y : p a s t i ng im ag es o f unmaintained genitalia onto the faces of those that appear in your social networking feed.

Headline News Section

3. That’s Private, Bitch!: A lot of people are concerned about the temptations of over- sharing. “That’s Private, Bitch!” is a social network add-on that allows you to set privacy settings that keep certain people from seeing certain things, and tell them off at the same time.

4. StinkedIn: A network aimed at employers and job-seek ers seeking a more “authentic” pro fes sional exchange – specifically, one in which other people can’t omit their level of body odor from their profile. “We often found that people were able to create a fake persona,” says one prominent CEO. “StinkedIn has helped us to foster a better hiring process based on appropriate levels of odor.”

5. Bum: A new hobo-sharing app designed for those travelers frustrated with Uber’s expensive “Surge” pricing. It locates a homeless person in close prox im ity of fer ing a very affordable piggy back ride to your destination of choice. 19-year-old Bum founder Mark Bergenzuck in sists that he’s pro vid ing a world-changing service by allowing the homeless to share their otherwise underutilized deltoids.

6. Fuckr: Unlike like Tinder and Grindr, initially marketed as casual dating apps for people craving nothing more than unattached sex, “Fuckr” actually lives up to its name: you literally just swipe a button until you end up fucking someone.

Reported by Daniel Kahn.

“Everyone knows that like St Peter, the Pope has to be an Italian,” he said. “It’s a basic rule, like not touching yourself.” He suddenly blushed like an engorged nipple and threw up.

Ignoring the mess, Donald Trump jumped in to say loudly that he would immediately demand Francis’s “so-called birth certificate.”

Dim pled Chris tian fun da men tal ist Mike Huckabee also had something useful to contribute. “Francis’s calls for peace, love and reconciliation,” he said, “are not only straight out of the Koran, but profoundly un-American and against all our great traditions.”

Famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson spoke up too, though so quietly almost no one noticed.

“The Pope’s call to care for the environment and the poor,” he murmured, “is the sort of attitude that has to be excised like a cancerous tumor, including all its roots, branches, leaves and those little fluffy things that make us sneeze.”

Pope Francis: Where is his birth certificate?

Sen. Cruz pointed out that in the event of the Pope’s impeachment and removal from office, the Church had an immediate replacement readily at hand. “It’s not as if they don’t have a spare,” he noted. “Benedict XVI is just itching to get into those little red shoes again.”

“Boy, can I relate,” called Scott Walker, heading for the bus terminal. “There’s no place like home.”

Reported by Michael Egan

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Paul Lander Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to. The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Rapper Wiz Khalifa arrested for public urination: I would have paid money to see the cops’ faces when they asked him his name.

Lincoln Chafee’s awkwardness at debate leaves many questioning former Rhode Island governor’s 2016 bid: On the bright side, after seeing him in the debate, Chaffee’s family can now take his picture off those milk cartons… he’s ok.

BUSTED: Feds arrest Fox ‘terrorism expert’ for pretending to be a former CIA agent: If they busted Fox for pretending to be news, they’d empty the place.

Bill Clinton: ‘I’ll be taking a back seat in Hillary’s campaign’: The only question is whom he’ll be messing around with in that back seat.

13 lifestyles that can lead to depression: Shit, this reads more like my daily to-do list…

Wendy’s employees fired for leaving racist note in 7-year-old’s meal: On the positive side, it was the most nutritious item.

Bernie Sanders: ‘I’m sick of talking about damn emails’: Although, back in the day, he

HUMOR TIMES

made sure his telegraph was secure.

J o h n S t a m o s charged with a DUI: Personally, I think its punishment enough that ev ery re port be gins with call ing him ‘ t he Ful l Rapper Wiz Khalifa House actor.’

Dennis Hastert to plead guilty to paying hush money: Which means he’s free to speaker again in 4 to12 years.

Pornography actor opens up ‘Porn University’ for aspiring adult film performers: I’m guessing it’ll be in same conference as Ball State.

It’s over! Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris breakup after he lied to singer: Look for a double album on this one.

Koko: Gorilla known for her sign language abilities presented with kittens on 44th birthday: In related news, she, also, turned down chance to be Speaker of the House.

Happy 61st Birthday, David Lee Roth: At this point he might as well… nap.

Jeb Bush: You can’t trust Donald Trump with our nuclear codes: This from a guy whose brother couldn’t correctly pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’

November, 2015

Mars Water was discovered on Mars...

which could spark a lot of activity.

Some may even prefer living there...

over a life of drudgery here on Earth.

Statement of Ownership, Management and Circulation: Humor Times; Publication Number 025-465; Filing Date 9/23/15; Issue Frequency: Once a month; No. of Issues Published Annually: 12; Annual Subscription Price: $24.95. Complete Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication (same as Headquarters, as well as Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor and Owner): 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, Sacramento Co., CA 95817; Contact Person, Editor: James Israel; Telephone: 916-455-1217; Owner, Publisher, Managing Editor: James LeDoux; Known Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders: none; The purpose, function, and nonprofit status of this organization and the exempt status for federal income tax purposes: Has Not Changed During Preceding 12 Months; Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: October 1, 2015; Extent and Nature of Circulation: General, once a month (12x/year). a. Total Number of Copies (Net press run): b. Paid Circulation (By Mail & Outside the Mail) (1) Mailed Outside-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541: (2) Mailed In-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541: (3) Paid Distribution Outside the Mails: (4) Paid Distribution by Other Classes of Mail: c. Total Paid Distribution: d. Free or Nominal Rate Distribution: (1) Free or Nominal Rate Outside-County Copies included on PS Form 3541: (2) Free or Nominal Rate In-County Copies Included on PS Form 3541: (3) Free or Nominal Rate Copies Mailed at Other Classes Through the USPS: (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail: Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution: Total Distribution: Copies not Distributed: Total: Percent Paid:

Col. 1* 1527

Col. 2** 1500

824 30 5 7 866

760 34 4 7 805

0 0 0 568 568 1434 94 1528 60.4

0 0 0 535 535 1340 160 1500 60.1

*Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months **No. Copies of Single Issue Published Nearest to Filing Date

November, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

13

On the Left Democrats finally took the debate stage...

and Hillary was spooked at the prospects...

She got a real lift from Bernie, though... of candidates who could cause her problems.

The media was more fascinated by a certain no-show... who went above & beyond the call of duty.

but he ended up bowing out...

14

which caught many by surprise.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

On the Right Jeb! already has a running mate...

much to his chagrin.

Trump likes to mess with him...

but has a lot of affection for Jeb.

Meanwhile, the dumb-looking guy is gone...

but he turned out to be a bit of a savant.

And Doc Carson is trying to outdo Trump...

November, 2015

but who knows who will make it to the Oval.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Planned Patriarchy

One Pill Made Them Larger

When they learned of the very real-sounding dangers...

Drug companies make a killing saving lives...

Republicans rushed to help.

and what system could possibly be better?

They educated themselves on the issue...

It’s all perfectly legal, they say...

which is kind of the problem. to better assist “the little ladies.”

16

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

Put In Putin

New Bush vs Old Bush

Putin is a man of action...

Jeb wants to emulate his brother...

and would like nothing better than to prove it. and will defend him no matter what...

He’s a master of one-upmanship... as he’s gained a lot of empathy.

And as with ol’ G.W., some are demanding a recount. and taking things to the brink.

November, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2015

November, 2015

HUMOR TIMES

19

Thanks for All the Laughs through the Years, Humor Times!

Happy Holidays from Vic’s Ice Cream!

Come on in and enjoy our Pumpkin, Eggnog, Spumoni, Irish Coffee, Pistachio, Peppermint Stick Ice Creams or a Fresh Cranberry Sherbet!

Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years.

Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892 Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd.

Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off!