“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” – Albert Einstein Issue #287
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
Editor’s Letter The coordinated terrorist attack in Paris and elsewhere underscores the need for a disciplined, level-headed foreign policy here at home. When the U.S. invaded Iraq under the leadership of George W. Bush and proceeded to “Mission Accomplish” the place into utter disarray, it set in motion a downward spiral throughout the Middle East. Today, the world is reaping the rewards of this short-sided militaristic adventure. Similar tragic consequences have followed whenever we have forced “regime changes” throughout the world. Unfortunately, our leaders have a very bad habit of ousting democratically elected leaders, simply because they don’t like them for one reason or another. (Usually it’s because they refuse to bow to our will and make the U.S.-based corporations who have operations in those regions fat and happy.) The examples read like a what’s what of places where dictators we have installed wreak havoc: Iran, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Guatemala, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Ukraine, Cambodia, Ghana, Haiti – the list goes on and on. In the case of Iraq, all we succeeded in doing was destabilizing the country and thus the region, creating a power vacuum that ISIS was all too willing to fill. All this goes to show that we simply must choose our leaders more carefully. It is precisely because America is such a powerful nation that we must act with restraint and great care. Electing leaders because they seem like a good guy to have a beer with is unwise. Electing blowhards because we think they’ll be tough guys that keep the rest of the world in line is just asking for trouble. A Trump presidency would be a perfect example of this, but we don’t need any more such examples. As a cartoon in this issue points out: A demagogue with troops at his disposal to round people up – what could go wrong? I hope we’re collectively smarter than that as an electorate by now, but time will tell. Until then, at least, the crazies putting themselves up for nomination are providing our talented cartoonists and writers with lots of great fodder. So, enjoy, and have a peaceful holiday season. We’ll see you in the new year!
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HUMOR TIMES
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Debate Debate The GOP candidates took matters into their own hands...
Real dangers are lurking, they said...
demanding a little role-reversal.
and their rebellion has sparked a whole new discussion.
Cruz fell into the ol’ agency-counting trap...
while Jeb faces trouble from every quarter...
The good doctor has some unique theories‌ (continued)
including his own.
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
...causing us to reassess long-held beliefs.
Rubio worried about employment...
but is a lousy employee himself.
Then, of course, there’s ‘The Donald’...
who has been flying high...
but is coming back down to earth.
and though fun to watch, may not be the best fit. He is full of contradictions...
December, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
5
Anchor Baby Battle Prepare for earth-shattering news – immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. It’s as predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud, honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the Xenophobic Grand Nationals, vowing to deport all 11,000,000 undocumented residents. Which, according to immigration officials, at a rate of 400,000 a year, would take 27 and a half years, just in time for Sofia Vergara’s 71st birthday. It makes you think “Make America Great Again” is shorthand for “Make America White Again.” This is in addition to the Trump Wall, which is guaranteed to be “tremendous and beautiful.” But how the developer plans to build a 20 foot-high, 1952 mile-long wall on the Mexican border without using Mexican labor remains a mystery. What’s the plan here? Draft housewives from San Diego? “Marilyn, hand me that masonry trowel would you? And grab some spiral shank nails, we need to buttress that stanchion.” It took the Chinese multiple centuries to build the Great Wall, requiring the forced labor of millions of peasants. Is it just me, or does importing millions of Chinese peasants to build a wall to keep out Mexican immigrants seem counter-productive? But the big fat ugly dispute right now is between those rutting buck Senators, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz. Rightly calculating there is only room for one establishment candidate not named Bush, the two are butting heads over past, present and future
statements, each claiming the other is soft, softer, softest on illegals. That’s right, two sons of Cuban immigrants are locking antlers over who is more anti- anchor baby. You can’t make stuff up like this. In the Republican version of West Side Story, the Sharks rumble the Sharks. Back in 2013, as a founding member of the Gang of Eight, Rubio helped draft a bill that granted undocumented workers the right to remain in the country. Lambasted by hard liners as… “amnesty,” the Florida Senator immediately saw the error of his ways, and voted against the very bill he co-sponsored. So it seems he’s getting the hang of this whole leadership thing. Texas Senator Ted Cruz is fixated like a dog with a chew toy on the loss of jobs and laughingly envisions immigrants crossing with journalism degrees, implying that journalism degrees are a pathway to jobs. Hah. Talk about out of touch. Nobody bothers to mention that if you’re losing your job to someone with a 5th grade education who doesn’t speak English, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem. So the race for the nomination comes down to which of these two 44-year-old anchor baby types is best able to convince the American people that he can make this country great again, by getting back all those fruit picking jobs we’ve dreamed of all our lives. “Working outdoors. Sleeping on the ground. Just like camping, only different.” Who Would Want This Job? It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellent, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our
WILL DURST
election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fundraisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up with is scarred, dehydrated, emotional wrecks confused by simple math and their shoes. And that’s another question. Who would want this job? What kind of crazy masochistic flippo-unit voluntarily undertakes this mission of barbarous self-flagellation? Not just jumping into the flaming crucible of brutish internecine combat, but dragging their families along with them? You would not be far off concluding that anybody who can be elected president, shouldn’t be. Even the serious presidential election candidates quickly turn into bewildered patsies sentenced to months of trudging through Iowa and New Hampshire mud. Constantly dodging teams of opposition researchers looking for anything resembling dirt. And forced to eat gas station sushi. There has got to be a better way to pick the leader of the free world. The system we have now is much too long, totally fractious, unseemly, indecorous, vicious and unbecoming. Put those all together and what do you get: Television. If we’re going to run this like a reality show, let’s run it like a reality show. We already got them jumping through hoops, all we need are enough cameras to cap ture the ac tion. It’s an award-win ning, mini-se ries waiting for the right producer. Auc tion off the rights to these pres i den tial elec tion sweepstakes to the highest bidding network, and let them fold it into one of their signature fran chises. “Amer ica’s Next Top Politician.” “Dancing With the Office-Seekers.” “Keeping up with the Roosevelts.” “So You Think You Can Negotiate with Putin?” “Hell’s Campaign Trail.” “America’s Got BS.” “The Real Hypocrites of Washington D.C.” “Project Inauguration.” Just insert some loophole that keeps CNBC out of the running. “Apprentice” morphed into “Celebrity Apprentice,” why not “Presidential Apprentice?” Let Donald Trump experience the joy of being fired from both ends. CBS could transform their hour each week to “The Amazing Race: Oval Office.” Only a few disgruntled campaign managers would quibble with calling it “The Biggest Loser.” Many shows wouldn’t need any alteration. “Big Brother” sort of already tangentially fits. As does “The Real World,” in a vague ironic sense. “Shark Tank,” definitely. “American Idol,” yeah, right, dream on. “The Voice,” or more aptly, “The Lack of Voice.” With the show’s emphasis on backstabbing and blindsiding, “Survivor: Foggy Bottom” is almost a perfect fit. We could even mimic the format and offer clues to help contestants find hidden immunity idols. “Congratulations. You may skip Nevada and South Carolina and go straight to Super Tuesday.” A number of reality show conventions could be adopted and/ or adapted. The weekly weigh in when they strip down to their undies would immediately trigger Must See TV. And finally, forget the hand on the Bible, on Jan uary 21, 2017, Chief Justice Roberts offers up to the incoming president… one single red rose. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and cal en dar list ings. Read m o re o f Wi l l Durst at humortimes .com.
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
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HUMOR TIMES
7
Paris The world looked on in horror...
but the French spirit is not so easily defeated…
and they will defend themselves.
The causes are complex...
and answers are hard to come by.
It’s getting hard to keep up...
and it’s easy to get sucked in...
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but we should be wary of war mongering.
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
The Hightower Lowdown Let’s Get on Board With High-Speed Rail Practically every wealthy nation today is making major investments in building high speed rail networks to transport their people: Japan, Canada, France, Russia, India, England, Morocco, Korea, Saudi Arabia, Italy, China, Mexico, Poland, Spain, Brazil, Germany, South Africa, Turkey and more. But not us, the wealthiest nation, with dozens of cities dotted across a continent with millions of people who need fast, convenient rail connection. Why are we stuck in traffic on roadways and runways and left with a pokey, out-of-date rail system while nations with a small fraction of our resources – such as Morocco, Poland and Turkey – are cruising on HSR networks? Because our leaders sold us out to corporate hucksters who fed us ideological lies. Their fairy tale was that mass transit is creaky, inherently inefficient, and socialist – and that Americans deserve the in de p en d en c e t h a t co m es fro m a one-person-one-car doctrine. As early as the 1930s, giant corporate consortiums formed to buy out more than 100 of America’s very effective networks of streetcars and interurban train systems. Not to run them, but to rip out the tracks and pave over the rail right-of-ways to make roads. Likewise, corporate profiteers mounted a new offensive in the 1990s to undermine the higher-speed potential of Am trak’s Acela trains, hir ing such Koch-funded front groups as Cato Institute, Heritage Foundation and Reason Foundation to spread hokey “analyses” that brand Amtrak as a slow train to collectivist hell. They also bought trainloads of politicians, who’re still promoting the fabricated studies and talking points of the corporate-cabal to derail HSR proposals. Despite attempts to kill the notion of a national passenger rail system, trains are only get-
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ting more popular. Here are just a few things that HSR would offer our county: • HSR construction creates a start-up economic boom (from the manufacturing of trains and equipment; the construction of everything from bridges to stations; the installation of high-tech control systems; the generation of renewable energy to power the electric engines; the development of new businesses to serve rail passengers, and more) and would be a sustained source of good, permanent jobs running and maintaining the network. • HSR is a boon for passengers, providing a competitive alternative to airline rip-offs and traffic congestion. Travelers get access to more cities, safer and more comfortable rides and the ability to work or just relax on the road. • HSR trains are powered by electricity, thus they sub stan tially re duce con sump tion of grossly polluting fossil fuels. • HSR crisscrossing America would be a monumental achievement by and for our people, on a par with the 10-year moon-landing effort launched by President Kennedy or the interstate highway system initiated by President Eisenhower. It would be a history-making project, worthy of a nation with unsurpassed wealth and under-used talent. Creating such a treasure for future generations would re-engage our people’s can-do spirit, and it just might rekindle some sense of national unity. The U.S. is in the caboose of transportation innovation because special-interest politics continue to thwart our national will, leaving you and me with a rickety, malfunctioning rail system that is a national embarrassment. It’s unforgivable that corporate and political leaders have intentionally failed to maintain, much less improve, the quality of America’s rail infrastruc-
ture for future generations. And the cowardice of Congress critters, who take special-interest money to oppose the best policies for the common good, is not only shamefully corrupt; it’s a firing offense. That’s where we come in. High speed rail offers such huge benefits for us that we need to push it to the center of our policy demands, especially with a national election cycle already on us. To learn more, contact the National Association of Railroad Passengers (www.narprail
JIM HIGHTOWER
.org) and US High Speed Rail Association (www.ushsr.com).
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Black Hole They’ve caused a lot of collateral damage...
but may have bitten off more than they can chew.
Fears mount about yet another quagmire...
December, 2015
but we should probably reassess our approach.
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Loses 14 Dogfights to 1917 Biplane But ultra-costly F-35 ‘a lot shinier’ than Sopwith Camel, say officials
WASHINGTON – The Pentagon announced today that a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dog fights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited “superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude” compared to its F-35 opponent. “We are learning a lot about the F-35, and all of our learning experiences are showing us this is an excellent example of what hap pens when you hire money-hun gry cor po ra t ions that over-charge for everything – like outrageous prices for little screws and bolts – use bargain basement, incompetent employees, and try to make a plane do everything,” stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter. Carter added, “The F-35 cannot do anything very well, so it was no surprise to us when the Sopwith Camel biplane whooped it in 14 con sec utive dogfights.” Lockheed Martin was quick to defend the costly and frequently delayed F-35 program, which is expected to cost Amer i can tax pay ers ap prox i mately $1.5 trillion over its fifty year life-expectancy. “The F-35 will never meet the Sopwith Camel biplane in actual combat since it was retired in 1920,” stated Lockheed Martin Chairman, President and CEO Marillyn A. Hewson. Reported by Alexander Vosh
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Psychic Warns Hillary Clinton of ‘Horrible Berning in 2016’ Staffers: Ms. Clinton “not the same” since consultation WASHINGTON — Earlier today, a senior cussion with Miss Cleo ended at around dawn. campaign staffer close to Democratic presiden- She keeps telling us over and over again that she tial candidate Hil‘will not allow lary Clinton Bernie Sanders to confirmed a popudo to her what lar psy chic from Obama did to her th e lat e 1 9 90s in 2008,’ namely named “Miss Cleo” be a more likable, had warned Mrs. overall better canClinton of a “horrididate.” b le Bern ing i n Democratic 2 0 1 6 . ” Cl in t on presidential candilaughed at quesdate S e n a t or tions from the press Bernie Sanders of about the pri vate Ve r mont r eMiss Cleo. warns of a “horrible Berning in 2016.” discussion she took sponded to TNA’s part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was “not request for comment by stating he had “no affilvery concerned about any psychic reading I al- iation whatsoever with Miss Cleo, and couldn’t legedly received this morning.” care less who Hillary Clinton talks to in her very Miss Cleo warns Hillary Clinton“It was a limited private time away from the bankers, rough morning. Miss Cleo warned Secretary who are her largest donors.” Clinton that 2016 con tained some ter ri ble Clinton released a statement to TNA that ‘Berning’ for her. It was really weird, because read, “Of course, I want stiff competition for the the psychic actually told Hillary how to spell Democratic presidential nomination that should ‘Berning,’ and informed her it was a ‘proper ad- be mine after Obama stole it from me in 2008. jective,’ whatever the hell that is,” stated the se- My opponents can expect good-natured attack nior Hillary 2016 campaign staffer, who spoke ads to ruin their bids for president, especially to TNA on condition of anonymity. Bernie.” The senior campaign staffer added, “SecreReported by Alexander Vosh tary Clinton has not been the same since her dis-
Seven-Year-Old: U.S. Healthcare System Immoral, “S-Word” MOBILE, AL – Today, seven-year-old Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and “the s-word.” Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents – who have no health insurance – tried to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month’s supply of a drug hi s m ot her needed to treat her cancer. “So t hey want people to pay to not be sick and to stay Kid with attitude. alive? Even if they don’t have the money? That’s not right… that’s not fair… that is really stupid,” declared Jonathan, from the back of the family car. He added, “This is a sucky system. Our drug or health system or whatever, is the s-word.” “So what now?” asked Jonathan, who exhibited a higher moral intelligence at age seven than the vast majority of adult Republicans. “We learn about the Republican alternative to healthcare,” replied Jonathan’s mother. Jonathan would soon learn about how American families have the freedom to lose everything trying to pay for life-saving healthcare. Reported by Alexander Vosh
Latest GOP Debate Demand: Spoon-Fed Questions via Alphabet Soup Demands getting more specific, including Huggie Bears on each podium for “moral support”
Candidates for prez: “Questions sooo hard!”
A Humor Times Exclusive Report The Republican candidates shocked the media world at the last GOP debate by forming a defacto union and demanding collective bargaining rights regarding future debate rules. “This is not a ‘union’ in the traditional sense, since we don’t work,” said Trump, “and I would
certainly never encourage actual workers to unionize to demand rights. That’s just pathetic.” GOP demands, however, included barring certain camera angles and pre-approval for on-screen graphics: Rubio wants wa ter fall images to help with his insatiable thirst, Ben Carson wants the medical caduceus symbol onscreen every time he speaks, and Trump is demanding “huuuge golden letters” spelling out “TRUMP IS GOLDEN” at the top of the screen – at all times, even when he’s not speaking. But the most controversial demand was made today, when the candidates jointly announced they had agreed on an acceptable questioning style. Moderators are to spoon-feed questions to each candidate, using alphabet soup – or at the candidates’ discretion, alphabet cereal with milk and sugar (another team Rubio inclusion). “This will give us time to digest each question,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham, “so that we
may regurgitate a proper answer.” “It’s outrageous,” said Democratic candidate Lincoln Chaffee. “How child-like can you get? How will they handle the tough real world, where people actually have to share? We want some alphabet soup too!” The newly-formed Republican union, called DUMB (Debaters Uniting Most Boldly), is also demanding a dessert – and a “classy” one, insists Trump. “Some Riesling Gelée with Strawberry Conserve perhaps. None of those weak border-crossing Mexican Churros,” he said. Lastly, the GOP debate union insists on full control of lighting. “During the dessert portion of the evening, how about some appropriate soft candle light?” asked Carly Fiorina. “That way, my softer, kinder, gentler side can come out.” “She’s lying,” said Trump. “I mean, look at that face, amiright? Would anyone really want a bright light on that?”
Disney: New ‘Star Wars’ Will Be a Musical
Ripping the Headlines Today
Unbeknownst to the press and Star Wars The whole movie set returns to the planet of geeks, Disney has insisted that Director J. J. Tattoine where the original Star Wars film Abrams make the upcoming seventh installment started. Hans Solo and Chewbacca are on hand of the Star Wars mega-franchise a musical, hop- to sing (actually Chewy pretty much grunts his ing to continue Disney’s legacy of hit-making way through it): song and dance movies such as Mary Poppins (Sung to the tune of ‘Oklahoma’) and Frozen. Abrams was Tattoine, were the wind fiercely op posed to this is hot as a Bantha’s breath, idea until made to think where your skin crinkles up otherwise by an oversized like a ba nana peel, and Wookie hench man who chokes you half the way to threatened to rip his arms death! off. Tattoine, where the girls Bringing in the musical all look like a rat that died, team that put together the and their skin is so tough lyrics and sound to go with that it is like, a crocodile them for Disney’s big hit that’s shed his hide. Stormtrooper singing in the rain. Frozen, the creators have Tattoine, where two come up with the following tunes for Star Wars, suns orbit up in the sky which were covertly given to us by a disgrunand it gets so hot, that your brain is shot tled Jawa from the new film, Wikileaks style. and shrivels you up until you die. The first appearance of the notorious Storm The grande finale comes as the Jedis again Troopers of the Dark Side of the Force is an- vanquish much of the Dark Side, and sing an nounced by the historic ‘Da, da ,da da, dom da ode to their magnificent adventure: dom’ music famous from all the preceding Star (Sung to the tune of the ‘Jet Song’ from West Wars films, but then breaks quickly into the fol- Side Story) lowing ditty and dance: (Luke) When you’re a Jedi, you’re a Jedi all (Sung to the tune of “I’m a Lumberjack and the way, from your first light saber to your last I’m OK”) dyin’ day We’re Storm Troopers and we’re OK (Obi-wan) When you’re a Jedi, you fight for we slay Jedi Knights both night and day, the Light, you give them a bruising without any Oh we’re storm troopers and we’re OK respite! under our armor is pink underwear (Mace Windo) When you’re a Jedi, your saand we are really gay. ber will swing, Little boy, you’re a man, Little Yes we’re storm trooper and we’re really gay man you’re a king. and though you may not like it, Let the credits roll!!! it really makes our day! Reported by Roger Freed
By Paul Lander Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
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Paris attacks reaction: Condolences and condemnation Viva all things France. Heck, I’m even going to be nice to Paris Hilton. Washington DC police arrest 1 of 2 women in twerking assault If they arrested everyone for asinine behavior in DC, that city would be ghost town. In new shock poll, Sanders has landslides over both Trump and Bush Almost as good as the news that he’s returning to do more episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.’ Carol Doda, pioneer of topless dancers, dies at age 78 In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you toss dollar bills at your favorite charity. Gavin Rossdale reportedly cheated on Gwen Stefani with their children’s nanny Raising the question, can people without kids hire a nanny?
Veterans celebrate Veteran’s Day across the U.S I’m thinking veterans should get free internet. First, it’s the least we could do. Second, how cool would it be to call it Semper WiFi? Trump suggests Starbucks boycott He should open his own coffee house with drink sizes being Huuuuuge, Amazing, Loser… Happy 51st B-day, Calista Flockhart Congratulations, on your age and weight now being the same. Vivica Fox sug gests 50 Cent is gay on ‘WWHL with Andy Cohen’ Looking forward to the movie version, ‘Totally, Completely Brokeback Mountain.’
Bob Dole endorses Jeb Bush for President Makes sense; if anyone knows how to lose to a Clinton, it’s Dole.
Carly Fiorina’s numbers plunge in latest CNN poll Looks like Fiorina is dropping in the polls like someone with a broken golden parachute.
Katy Perry brings fashion, fantasy and fun to H&M I’m guessing not quite in the same way Madonna did for S&M.
Kanye West reportedly growing tired of pregnant Kim Kardashian’s diva behavior Adding: ‘Beyonce is way better at being pregnant.’
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
Hot Dog Blues
Dems
People are more health conscious these days...
One Democratic candidate may go it alone...
but there’s a limit.
while another has decided not to go at all.
The dangers are real...
Hillary escaped the Benghazi hearings unscathed‌
so stay vigilant. and continues to frolic toward the nomination.
December, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
13
Refugee Phobia Desperate refugees face tough hurdles...
and paranoia wherever they go.
The USA is not so welcoming any more...
thanks to certain state leaders.
But W.W.J.D?
Some say there should be a litmus test...
which Muslims would surely fail.
14
What if America had always been this way?
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
Passing of the Gavel The outgoing House Speaker had some advice...
and one last parting gift.
He tried to bring Paul Ryan up to speed...
but Ryan is pretty sure of himself.
It may not be the cushy job he’d hoped for...
but the show must go on.
He’ll try to avoid the unpleasant aspects...
December, 2015
while embracing his core beliefs.
HUMOR TIMES
15
Economy
Environment
The economy is doing great...
Obama came out with a controversial decision...
but that only greased the skids for the opposition. for some.
Meanwhile, a surprising (and disputed) report was issued... But while spending at home plummets...
and SeaWorld is in a bind. the military budget is ever-more bloated.
16
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
Holidaze Historical accounts of Thanksgiving vary...
Some Christians complain of being persecuted...
but today’s holiday traditions are quite predictable.
and there’s definitely some unholy behavior going on.
But once again, W.W.J.D?...
December, 2015
and what would he say?
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2015
December, 2015
HUMOR TIMES
19
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