“There has to be an easier way to say you don’t want to be a political party anymore than nominating Donald Trump.” -- @LOLGOP on Twitter Issue #288
January, 2016
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
Editor’s Letter Another year has come and gone... how the time flies! This April, we will be celebrating the Humor Times’ 25th Anniversary! Hard to believe. I won’t lie, it’s been tough lately. If we could just get up to a certain level of subscriptions, we’d be alright. Although print media is on the decline in general, niche magazines like this one are doing okay. There’s a similar publication we know of that still has tens of thousands of subscribers, so the support is there. It’s just a matter of reaching people. The other publication had a big marketing budget early on, and were able to build their subscription rolls up that way. We’ve never had that luxury. We depend on folks like you who already know the Humor Times to help others discover us. So, please, share copies with your friends and relatives, and give subscriptions. They make great gifts for anyone who likes political humor. Know people who love the Daily Show on Comedy Central, or Stephen Colbert, Larry Wilmore or John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight show? That’s our target audience – and there are millions of them. Another great demographic for gift subscriptions is students: got a high schooler or a kid in college? Send them the Humor Times, they very likely will love it! We can also use more advertising, so please encourage businesses you patronize to run an inexpensive, yet effective, ad with us. Since we’re a monthly, we’re very easy on the budget. Support the media you want to see! Thanks, and have a wonderful new year! – James Israel, Editor
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HUMOR TIMES
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News of the Warm The potential destruction from global warming is terrifying...
but procrastination is just too easy.
The science is no longer debatable, but... that doesn’t faze deniers...
and there’s a religious tenacity to the denial. Unfortunately, the agreements we do reach have no teeth...
so, it’s business as usual...
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as the temperature rises.
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
Homegrown Terror In retrospect, we should’ve seen it coming...
and sure enough, it did.
saying it’s not like real terrorism.
Some are loathe to call it what it is...
Sleeper cells have been detected... and zeroed in on.
People are nervous... and rightfully so.
January, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
5
Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2015 Be still your beating hearts, because the agonizing wait is over. Wake the kids. Rake the leaves. Fake speaking in tongues. Yes, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, when the eagerly awaited list of Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2015 is finally, mercifully released. Yoke an ox. Toke some skunk. Poke Uncle Bud to make sure he’s still ambulatory. Under no circumstances is this list to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2015. No. No. No. No. No. They are as different as back and forth. Like fireworks and 14-inch aluminum pipe wrenches. Yellow grape-tomatoes and marble Corinthian columns. Flaming hula-hoops dropped from CIA drones and the plastic to-go cups used by drive-through Margarita stands off highway 10 outside New Orleans. Feet and sleet. These contents purposefully ignore the death, destruction and dastardly deeds of this past annum horribilis to focus on the delightfully diverting and droll. Herein, you will find no mention of Syrian refugees or Paris or San Bernadino or ISIS or FIFA or Boko Haram or Bill Cosby or Paris or even horrors of horrors, Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign. Rest assured the 16th year of this new millennium garnered quite a few wacky and zany antics lending themselves to the tickling amusement of we, the American masses, and it’s time to take a fine-tooth comb to sift for the amusing bits so that we can mock and scoff and taunt and form a sort of mental scab. 10. The hacking of the Ashley Madison website. Forcing Bill Clinton to spend 4 months scrubbing his name off the client list. Probably got his people to copy and paste the damn thing as well. 9. The Hollywooding of Bernie Sanders, who went from little-known Vermont Curmudgeon to leader of the Stop Hillary Movement. Then proving that while you can take the curmud-
geon out of Vermont, you can’t take the pain-in-the-ass out of the curmudgeon. Or something like that. 8. Rachel Dolezal, the Caucasian head of the NAACP who claimed to be black but was exposed when a Justin Bieber poster was discovered on her office wall. Also, she can’t dance for crap. 7. Faulty airbags. The first inklings of this scandal caused many folks conclude the feds were going to recall Mitch McConnell. 6. Kim Davis, the Kentucky County clerk who apparently was told by god not only to deny gay couples marriage certificates but also get divorced three times then marry some guy who goes on national television wearing overalls. 5. Caitlyn Jenner who finally succumbed to the excessive levels of estrogen floating around the Kardashian household. But then demonstrated her independence by spelling Caitlyn with a C. 4. The Benghazi hearings where Republicans revealed that their test for Hillary is: if she doesn’t float, she’s not a witch. 3. The Republican debates, where the whole world witnessed the fight over the party’s very soul. Alas, the soul lost. 2. Deflategate, precipitated by Tom Brady’s belief that the ball was way too heavy with all that air in it. 1. The hot-air force of nature that is Donald Trump. The candidate for every voter who just couldn’t cozy up to the intellectual elitism of Sarah Palin. Candidate Holiday Traditions It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And a large part of what makes it so goldarn fabulous is the festive array of idiosyncratic traditions each family imprints on their holiday gene map like a candy cane tattoo on the soft flesh behind your knee.
WILL DURST
Every family has their own take on wreaths, ornaments, mistletoe, cookies, carols, cards, 30-foot inflatable snowman, sleds perched precariously on rooftops, stockings, red & green everything, poinsettias, yule logs, elves, nutcrackers, indoor lights, outdoor lights, lighted can dles, lighted ornaments, lighted 30-foot inflatable snowmen, and musically co-ordinated, laser-lighted ex trav a gan zas that can be seen from orbiting satellites. There’s the foliage conundrum. Live tree or phony tree. Aluminum, plastic, flocked? Flocked aluminum? As long as it’s sincere. And the eternal question pondered by Western religious experts for centuries: tinsel or no tinsel? My motley crew starts every gathering with generous amounts of adult amber beverages. We end them that way as well. And fill a large part of the middle. Because, as my lovely wife Debi Ann famously says, “every time a martini is shaken, an angel gets its wings.” After a little investigative reportage, we here at Durstco have uncovered a few of the family traditions the presidential candidates plan on practicing this joyous season and present them here for your viewing pleasure. 2016 Presidential Candidate Holiday Traditions: • Carly Fiorina will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and root for Mr. Potter. • Ben Carson plans to hand out belts to the homeless that are 2 sizes too small to encourage them to diet. • Rick Santorum will trot out his annual “dangle the stuffed santa legs up the chimney” and encourage the kids shoot at them with shotguns to stress the importance of their 2nd Amendment rights. • Once again Bernie Sanders will hire a team of native Inuit caterers to roast an entire reindeer, which he then will refuse to eat. • The whole Donald Trump family will dress up in Santa Claus outfits and limo around New York City throwing lumps of coal at poor people. • Hillary Clinton commissions a local artist to create industrial strength tinsel, that in a pinch could be used to strangle members of the vast right wing conspiracy. Or husbands. • John Kasich spreads joy amongst yon round Ohio virgins. • Marco Rubio will travel back to his parents’ homeland of Cuba and try to dig up dirt on Ted Cruz’s father. • Ted Cruz will travel back to his father’s homeland of Cuba and try to dig up dirt on Marco Rubio’s family. • Jeb Bush plasters a phony smile on his face and suffer through another family dinner where his father and brother tell fascinating stories about being Commander-in-Chief. Again. • Rand Paul and his father Ru revive an old Texas tradition by painstakingly separating their seasonal collection of fruitcakes into individual fruits, then throwing them at passing Volkswagen Vans. • Chris Christie’s holiday meal consists of low-calorie, Weight Watchers turkey dinners. 19 of them. • Mike Huckabee will organize a bus tour, dress as a vengeful god and scream holiday epithets outside entrances of Planned Parenthood. God bless us everyone. Or as we say in politically correct San Francisco, “may the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.” Flock it. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info on calendar listings. Read more of Will Durst at humortimes .com.
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
The Prez
Ghosts of Holidays Past There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth...
Obama and Putin discussed the climate...
but Putin isn’t his only problem.
and it didn’t get any better after that.
Everyone had reason to fear, it seemed...
Some say Obama oversimplifies things...
and that he’s just too predictable. but at least Santa had some good news.
January, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
7
Uniquely American Another week, another mass shooting...
and some have had enough...
so they offer their sympathies.
It seems conspirators are everywhere...
but gun advocates say they can’t give an inch.
People are tired of living in fear...
and we need some fresh ideas...
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to solve this uniquely American problem.
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
The Hightower Lowdown Building Monopolies, One Merger After Another Corporate monopolies are experiencing a surge in the urge to merge. Control of market after market — from cable TV to chickens, banking to washing machines — has been seized by less than a handful of enormous corporations. Rather than compete, they collude to set prices, cut quality, shrink service and squeeze out any would-be competitors. There was a time, not that long ago, when monopolies, duopolies and oligopolies were not only frowned upon by our public officials and watchdog agencies but also aggressively challenged and busted up. In recent years, however, corporate giants feel free to get ever-gianter by gobbling up their competitors, knowing that the watchdogs will barely bark, much less bite. In fact, now that the Supreme Court has turned corpo rate cam paign do na tions into le gal ized bribes, our so-called “public” officials — including congress critters, governors, judges and even presidents — have become tail-wagging accomplices to the amalgamation of corporate power. The Bush-Cheney regime was infamous for cheerleading this consolidation, including allowing the merger of AT&T and Verizon to capture 70 per cent of al l wire less phone subscribers. But this is not just a Republican phenomenon. Obama’s Justice Department, Federal Trade Commission and Federal Aviation Administration genially waved through American Airline’s takeover of US Airways and United’s consumption of Continental, effectively leaving air travelers to the brutish mercy of one or two bullies in every major airport — and no service at all in smaller cities. Now come domi nant health-care gi ants Aetna, Humana, Anthem and Cigna, as well as Walgreens and Rite Aid, demanding to merge into behemoth monopolies that would control the availability of health insurance and essential medicines to millions of Americans. Ironically,
the very lawmakers, corporate lobbyists and pundits who push and praise each of these mergers are also the noisiest preachers of the virtue of com pet i tive mar kets, small business and consumer choice. Oh, they also claim to be champions of the people’s will — even though the clear will of the vast ma jority of Amer i cans is to stop the merger-mania and anti-consumer monopolization that corporate America and its political servants are hanging around our necks. That’s not just ironic. It’s cynical, hypocritical … and disgusting. Even our brewskis are falling to monopolists. Belgian conglomerate Anheuser-Busch InBev is set to swallow South American-owned conglomerate SABMiller. The merger, they gloat, will be the first “truly global brewer.” Indeed, it will control a third of all beer sales in the world and a whopping 70 percent of all U.S. sales. The monopolizers assert there’s no anti-trust problem because hundreds of small breweries are popping up like dandelions all over America and the world, thus creating wide-open competition. The winner, says the Anheuser-Busch behemoth with a wink and a crooked smile, will be the one that gets the most customers. How free-enterprise-y! And fallacious. The “winner” will be the one with the key to the marketplace gate. To get customers, you first have to be able to get your beers in the bars and on store shelves, which is mostly controlled in the U.S. by beer wholesalers who distribute beers from various breweries to the retailers. These wholesalers can simply refuse to distribute the brews of smaller “competitors.” Now, guess which big honking beer-maker has been aggressively buying up wholesale distributors in recent years in order to fill the shelves with their brands and lock out the new independents? If Anheuser-Busch InBev is allowed to become the first global brewery, it won’t be be-
cause it makes the best beer but because it’s rigging the marketplace to slam the door on its “free enterprise” competitors. The word “free” in “free enterprise” is not an adjective, it’s a verb; i.e., let’s “free up” the enterprise of small business people by stopping giant monopolies from locking them out of the marketplace.
JIM HIGHTOWER
It’s All About the Money, Honey The Fed Chair said things are looking up...
and certain laws are good medicine for some.
One rich guy is trying to spread the wealth...
January, 2016
but others say the poor already have it good.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” McDonald’s Introduces ‘Healthy Fries’: Diners Hostile The biggest fast food restaurant in the business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the McDonald’s menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays.
The fast food giant took ideas from suggestion boxes at hundreds of McDonald’s restaurants across America seriously. By far, the most submissions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating healthier fries. McDonald’s test kitchen chef, Edward “Ed” Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed “the healthiest fries on the planet.” The cus tom ers who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn’t expect. The “fries,” they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks. Soon after the first McHealthy Fries began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in, and McDonald’s found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. “what constitutes a fry?” “They got the healthy part right,” said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, “but the fry part? Where’s the grease?” he said, mocking another big fast food chain. Less than a month af ter the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald’s for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald’s has taken the McHealthy Fries off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than a carrot. “We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers,” said a McDonald’s spokesperson known only as Ronald. “While the ‘fries’ served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting,” he said. Reported by P. Beckert
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Corporate Media: Bernie Sanders “Too Serious” for American People Sanders should ”tone down” objectivity, say networks
Scott Weiland’s Distinct Vocal Style Caused His Death, Autopsy Reveals
WASHINGTON — Today, the largest corpo- States? Of course most of you don’t, because rate media outlets in the United States confessed things like that are not really important to us. they were purposely ignorThis is a new golden age of ing U.S. Sen a tor Bernie yellow journalism where Sanders of Vermont — a we distract Americans with Dem o cratic pres i den tial sensationalist lies while igcandidate — as much as noring facts and promoting they could. conformity to the current The cor po rate me dia system.” syndicate asserted Sanders “So it’s a nonstarter was “too seri ous” about when Bernie Sanders talks running for president, and about healthcare for all his focus on all the negative Americans, repairing and characteristics of the updating America’s crumUnited States made him bling infrastructure, saving “too pessimistic and objecthe mid dle class from tive” for an American pubworsening income inequalSanders: Serious, and grumpy too. lic that must focus on being ity, and a whole host of afraid of terrorism, conformity to the status quo, other very serious topics. We’ll just cover celebrity drama, and Republican presidential Trump, or the latest mass shooting or celebrity candidate Donald Trump. gossip,” explained Titan. “If Bernie Sanders could tone down his obCNN Senior Political Reporter Nia-Malika jective look at the United States, maybe he Henderson asked Titan if Bernie Sanders still would get more time with the American people. had time to repent for his “everything-is-awful” Sanders may be attracting the largest crowds of brand of politics, and get the corporate media all the presidential candidates, but we won’t en- syndicate to pay a little more attention to him. “Sure, there is still a little time. As of right courage such a pessimistic view of America when everything is already great,” declared Ar- now, though, a bear running loose in a suburb, nold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of or a viral cat video are things that have priority CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other over Bernie Sanders and his hate speech for America,” replied Titan. American propaganda outlets. Reported by Alexander Vosh Titan added, “Do any of you know about an ep i demic of meth ad dic tion in the United
In this Humor Times exclusive report, we reveal the true cause of death of former Stone Temple Pi lots/Vel vet Re volver vo cal ist Scott Weiland. The late singer choked to death in his sleep on the marbles in his mouth. The Bloomington, Minnesota coroner revealed that Weiland’s distinct vocal style caused his death. “A lot of sing ers from the ear l y 1990s grunge-era sang w i t h ma r b l e s i n their mouth,” the coroner said. “Pearl Jam vocalist Eddie Vedder was the first Scott Weiland singer to utilize this vocal technique, and a lot of imitators followed, including Weiland and Creed singer Scott Stapp. Weiland simply forgot to remove the marbles in his mouth on the night when he died.” The “marbles in the mouth” singing technique is used when a vocalist puts a few marbles in his mouth to imitate that of a stroke victim who slurs their speech and has to talk out of the side of their mouth, resulting in a singing style that sounds like “Grrrrrrbr frrrrrbr drrrrrb.” Scott Weiland adopted this singing technique on Stone Temple Pilots’ debut single “Plush” where he sang, “…and I feel that frrrrbr’s a wasted grrrrr.” Scott Weiland was found dead in a tour bus on December 3rd. Reported by Lee Mays
Putin Announces Republican Presidential Bid ‘Your candidates are weak,’ says Putin, surging in the polls WASHINGTON DC — Responding to popularity among conservative pundits and on social media, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he will run for the Republican presidential nomination. “Your candidates are weak,” declared Putin, whose late arrival to the race did not prevent him from surging to the top of the polls. “I will fix your mess,” said Putin between shots of vodka. “I will beat your problems into submission.” He was received with a standing ovation and a roar of applause. Putin said he likes Trump, so he can be his VP. “His ego is like my horse, big and powerful.
Grumpy Santa Vows No Xmas Gifts for Climate Deniers This Year NORTH POLE – A visibly grumpy Santa Santa said that things had gotten so bad that Claus announced today that he would “abso- Mrs Claus was threatening to leave. “She says lutely not” be making gift deliveries to GOP unless I do something about the water situation, “climate deniers” this year. well, she’s had a very tempting offer from “You think because that idiot Inhoffe can Wotan in Valhalla. That’s where we originally make a snowball in winter we’re not drowning came from, you know.” up here?” he asked, After a “war council” “What, he hasn’t seen the with the elves and a coupolar bear pictures?” ple of the leading reinSanta laughed bitterly. deer, Santa explained, the “And I hear he’s chair of Xmas community had deyour En vi ron ment and cided to cut all climate dePublic Works committee. niers from their gift list. These luna tics must be “Yeah, we know who’s stopped!” been naughty,” he continThe not-so-jolly old elf ued menacingly. “There pulled an official USGS are advantages to being a thermometer from under godlet, even an imaginary his beard. one.” Santa is pissed, stocking up on coal.. “See that?” he asked, The once-kindly old waving it around. “The difference between semi-deity polished his glasses on his sleeve. freezing and thawing is just one muthaffukin “First non-gift,” he growled, “is that not one degree. Excuse me, that’s Inuit for ‘a small of those koksukers — Inuit for ig no rant, amount.’ Thirty-two it freezes, thirty-three it money-grubbing narcissist — is gonna actually melts. These days we’re get ting up to a get to be president. I guarantee you that, though fathafukkin 57 in the summer.” I wanna see them all run for a bit. What a Santa said that one result was that the base- laugh!” ment in his home under the north pole, where For a moment Santa almost looked like his the elves labored, was now flooded almost the old roly-poly self. Then he frowned again. whole year round. “But my sec ond non-gift will be even “The poor little green buggers,” he said feel- better!” he said. “After Trump gets his ass ingly, “now have to work out side in the whupped in 2016, I’m gonna give those CDers semi-snow in the winter, and almost tropical — Cli mate De niers — Pres i dent Bernie temperatures in the summer. Hungry polar bears Sanders! He laughed evilly again. “And Elizabeth come sniffing around and last week,” Santa’s eyes moistened, “Rudolf lost his shiny red nose Warren as Vice President!” Reported by Michael Egan to a marauding sea lion.”
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Headline News Section
He adores me, so I decided to reward him,” he said. The latest Republican entrant into the race responded to criticisms from the left that not being a born citizen of the United States was a disqualifying factor. “No one thinks current president was America born,” he said, while smashing an empty bottle of vodka on the ground. “Who cares? At least I’m not Muslim terrorist!” According to poll analysis, Trump’s support, which has n’t dipped be low 20 per cent in months, has virtually evaporated, due to the Russian president’s entry into the U.S. presidential race.
Putin: Will let Donald Trump be V.P.
At press time, several Republican candidates’ bodies were found in dumpsters. Reported by StubhillNews.com
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: 30% of GOP voters favor bombing ‘Aladdin’ cartoon homeland of Agrabah In fairness, Gen. Wile E. Coyote (Ret.) now works at defense contractor ‘Acme.’ ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ thrills fans, sets records There’s a new Star Wars? Holy crap! Why didn’t anyone say something? Ruby Rose and Phoebe Dahl break up I’m so pro gay equality that I give the same rat’s ass about this as I do about a straight couple breaking up. Chris Christie vows to ‘stand’ with King Hussein, even though he’s dead In fairness, the late King and Christie’s campaign have that in common. Sanders’ campaign accessed Clinton campaign donor list They also saw the Martin O’Malley list, no word if they contacted all three of those people. The Jehovah’s Witnesses could get $1 billion for NYC properties they own Sounds like they’re going to have to rename their newspaper ‘The Rolex Watchtower.’ Rand Paul polls zero percent among likely Republican primary voters Let’s face it, Rand Paul’s campaign is so on life support, it’s nearing time for it to be called ‘Atlas Unplugged.’
HUMOR TIMES
Steve Harvey crowns the wrong person ‘Miss Universe’ Meaning the Turner family from Dayton, Ohio actually did get screwed out of winning on ‘Family Feud.’ Lindsey Lohan: Actress appears on cover of ‘No Tofu’ magazine So, it’s just another mag where she’s treated like a piece of meat. Lindsay Graham drops out of the Presidential race The news was so far back in the newspapers, it was announced as a clue in a crossword puzzle. Happy 72nd birthday, Keith Richards You don’t look a day over 137. ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ debuted 49 years ago If it came out today, it would be called ‘CSI: Whoville.’ M a r t i n Shkreli re signs as Tu ring Pharmaceuticals CEO after securities fraud arrest I hope there’s a pill for that, and now he can’t afford it.
January, 2016
Refugee Crisis ’Tis the season...
January, 2016
to fear foreigners...
who already have it bad.
America was once a refuge...
but lately fear rules...
although, in the best way, The Donald will tell you.
It’s a heavy burden...
and we’re only hurting ourselves.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Trump Card Trump remains at the center of attention...
and all the candidates want to steal his mojo.
But his comments are so incendiary... that he scares the party brass.
He’s out of control...
but what can they do?
And though they try and try...
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the other candidates don’t measure up. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
Although Trump frightens many people...
he has a lot of fervent fans.
He says the trains will run on time under his rule...
His followers take their queue from him...
and the media has a hard time keeping up.
He insists he’s got a winning strategy...
January, 2016
and order will be restored.
and knows he’s the best. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
15
Trump Card (conclusion) We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Aren’t Just a One-Time Gift, They’ll Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR LONG!
The crazy is not confined to Trump, though...
®
and the fear is palpable.
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But the phenomena may collapse on itself...
and sane people everywhere certainly hope so.
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
Miscellaneous Mischief
January, 2016
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More Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2016
January, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
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