Humor Times, February 2016

Page 1

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers Issue #289

www.HumorTimes.com

February, 2016

25th Anniversary Issue & Bash Coming in April! Formerly the Comic Press News

®

Hey, Kids! Check Out the Retro-Style Print Format! To Operate, No Clicking Needed: Simply Turn Page! • Also in New-Fangled Digital Format • Subscriptions Available Worldwide


Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

2

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


Editor’s Letter

Support the media you want to see!

Single-payer health care: It works everywhere else, why not here? They are pulling out all the stops, but don’t be fooled by the opponents of Bernie Sanders and his single-payer health care proposal. They say it’s unreasonable, but what’s unreasonable is this country’s absurd obsession with clinging to a failed system that rewards greed, while denying millions who desperately need care. Don’t be frightened by the small tax increase it would take to accomplish single-payer. This is necessary, and would be far outweighed by the savings realized by everyone, since we will no longer have to pay the exorbitant private rates that pad the pockets of greedy insurance companies and pharmaceutical giants. The average yearly per capita health care costs in this country are, on average, about twice that of the rest of the world (see chart). It’s ridiculous on the face of it. Single-payer national health insurance, also known as “Medicare for all,” does not replace actual health care delivery. As the Physicians for a National Health Program (PNHP) notes on its website, single-payer is “a system in which a single public or quasi-public agency organizes health care financing, but the delivery of care remains largely in private hands.” As economist Gerald Friedman, Ph.D., says, “Under the single-payer system created by HR 676 [the Expanded and Improved Medicare for All Act, introduced by Rep. John Conyers Jr., D-Mich. in 2013], the U.S. could save an estimated $592 billion annually by slashing the administrative waste associated with the private insurance industry ($476 billion) and reducing pharmaceutical prices to European levels ($116 billion)... The savings would be enough to cover all 44 million uninsured and upgrade benefits for everyone else." There are many ways to accomplish universal health care, as shown by the varied examples of nearly every other industrialized nation on earth. We can study them and take our pick. Bernie Sanders’ health care proposal, like the rest of his platform, is not “radical,” as the corporate-funded candidates and their ultra-rich backers would like you to believe. It is common sense, and it’s mainstream. Polls show the majority wants these things, and if we’re truly a democratic republic, we should get them. – James Israel, Editor

®

If you’re a fan of the Humor Times, why not contribute to the cause? In this digital age, it’s not easy to thrive as a print publication. We need your support. If you haven’t subscribed yet, please do. Get the fun delivered right to your door once a month! If you are a subscriber, please, don’t keep the laughs to yourself – give gift subscriptions!

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 25, Issue 289, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2016. No part may be reproduced without permission.

Advertise in the

SOAPBOX!

New Hosts, Including Humor Times Editor James Israel

Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

In-depth interviews with local progressive leaders on topics you won’t hear about in the mainstream media. Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com.

And on the 1st, 4th & 5th Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org.

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

Use the form on this page. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off!

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

OMNETWORKS

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $48.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $72.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $6.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

A Complete Internet Solution

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

February, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

3


Poorly-Regulated Militia The Tea Party occupation is long-term...

and the feds are debating how to respond.

Reports vary as to their demands...

but what if the headlines were more literal?

They say they’ve got a right to take over...

that their cause is righteous...

that they are determined to deliver justice...

4

and their goal is to educate the public.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


Cut Down Still more lives ended prematurely...

so Obama tried to do something about it.

Objections were predictable and swift...

claiming that such regulation is unprecedented.

The gun lobby has grown quite powerful...

and is outraged by this president.

but what can be done? The situation is crazy...

February, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

5


Predictions 2016 At the beginning of a new year, cultures all over the world traditionally perform peculiar ceremonies meant to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. The Chinese hide knives to ward off danger. In Denmark, old dishes are thrown at front doors to symbolize the collection of new friends. Spanish residents eat 12 grapes, one at each stroke of the clock to promote good fortune. And in the Durst household, we percolate sardonically cynical predictions for the upcoming 12 months. This is to symbolize the perpetuation of a career predicated on mocking and scoffing and taunting. But with taste. So here are Durstco’s predictions for the year 2016. In the spirit of recycling and promoting a zero-waste policy, please cherry-pick your favorites and dump the rest into the laps of worthy acquaintances. • After dropping out of the Presidential race, Chris Christie hits the talk show circuit to publicize his celebrity diet book but is turned down by everyone except a podcast in Calabasas. • In an attempt to expand its popularity, ISIS will merge with Alcoholics Anonymous, the American Automobile Association and the American Association of Retired Persons to form ISISAAAAAAARP and then facilitate senior citizens driving soberly to suicide bombings. • Exxon will develop a way to block out the sun and then make a big move into solar energy. • Disney enters negotiations to purchase Tibetan Buddhism with the aim of starring a rambunctious Little Buddha in his own Saturday morning cartoon. • At the next GOP debate, Carly Fiorina smiles so hard, all the other participants on the dais recoil at the sound of her enamel cracking. Her face will then freeze like that. • In Dallas, Texas, a benefit held to establish the Ethan Couch Affluence Support Group raises one dollar.

• After a heckler at the Masters Tournament shouts from the edge of the 12th green, “Give it up Grandpa,” Tiger Woods chases him with a putter, trips and falls into Rae’s Creek. • Taking his personal quest for wholeness to the next level, Vladimir Putin enters Jungian analysis and releases an award winning series of children’s books. He also takes up pipe-smoking. • Rents in San Francisco climb so high, members of the middle class are forced to inhabit tree houses in Golden Gate Park. • No matter who wins the Presidency, Bill Clinton actively campaigns to get appointed Ambassador to Sweden. • Air travel will devolve to the point that certain discount tickets require pedaling. • During a stump speech in Concord, New Hampshire, Donald Trump’s hat will fly off and his hair will be wind-whipped into the shape of a sail whisking him airborne into the parking lot of a Montpelier, Vermont public library. • Congress fixes Social Security by raising the retirement age to 83. • New York Senator Chuck Schumer becomes the go-to guy in the Democratic Caucus after it is revealed that Harry Reid died months ago. • The NFL will lobby the Catholic Church to celebrate mass on Monday mornings in order not to interfere with football ratings. • Minnesota Department of Game officials call off the hunt for whoever shot the lion-killing dentist, Walter Palmer, with a bow and arrow. • The Chicago Cubs lose game 7 of the World Series when a lightning bolt strikes Ben Zobrist ten feet from home as he attempts to score the tying run.

WILL DURST

The Real State of the Union In his last State of the Union Address, that renowned weaver of uplifting platitudes, President Barack Obama, crocheted his constituents one final quilt of bittersweet melancholy to remember him by. Not a victory lap so much as someone pulling his arms inside the chains preparing to dismount a swing over a crocodile pit. According to the outgoing 44th POTUS, the State of the Union is pretty much what we thought he’d think it. Good, but could be better. Moving forward with some ways to go. Could use a little paint around the edges, but otherwise in halfway decent shape. Couple of dents, but damn it, we’re the country that invented Bondo. We remain full of promise and hope, but need a concerted effort to overcome badness. We’re a country where evil IS NOT WELCOME, thank you very much. Sure, we have plenty of righteous people, but unless we maintain a constant vigil, nefarious elements will overtake our agenda of goodness. And then old people will die. Which is wrong. The things we stand for are families, jobs and health. Conditions we can do without are crime, crib death and grumpy New York developers with the cheery optimism of that grey green slime you find clinging to sunken cave ceilings. But the president is forced to speak in soaring rhetoric while the rest of us long for specific proposals. We here at Durstco are here to help. Here’s a couple of tiny tweaks guaranteed to raise our quality of life: • Our union’s state would rise significantly if we could convince TV weather forecasters to just tell us what tomorrow’s temperature will be and stop teasing us with upcoming storm factor numbers and wind chill warnings at every break. • Politicians vowing to make English America’s official language should first sign a pledge to sell themselves exclusively to domestic lobbyists. • Can we stop the obsession with unicorns already, at least until these Silicon Valley companies show at least one quarter of profit? Not every crayon refrigerator drawing is a Picasso, and neither is every stupid app the next Instagram. • It would really be helpful if this country’s bloated billionaires would stop blaming all our problems on the poor. Ditto with sons of immigrants complaining about immigration. • From now on, in restaurants, any diner is allowed to chastise misbehaving children. • Here’s a tip — before trying to crowd onto an elevator, let people get off the elevator. • Never serve flavored coffee to a real coffee drinker, unless you want your shirt to smell like Hazlenut. • The quality of life in the US and around the world will be strength ened im mea sur ably once Selfie Sticks are outlawed. • Tur n si g nal s ar e t he “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” of the road. • How bout a 2-month embargo on “Frozen?” • America needs to rebuild our jobs base before we end up with an economy based on people delivering virtual pizzas to one another. • We may be a lit tle depressed right now, but hey, it’s January and nothing we can’t bounce back from now that “Downton Abbey” has returned and “The X-Files” is only a couple weeks away. • And finally, the real state of the union will be fine if people would just leave it alone. As our mothers used to say, “Don’t pick at it.”

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info on calendar listings. Read more of Will Durst at humortimes .com.

6

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


The Right Stuff Republicans are determined...

to satiate the desires of their voter base.

They are fishing around for the right stuff...

to inspire voters.

At this point, The Donald is just playing with the others...

The party has a strong base...

February, 2016

and it’s just too easy.

which must choose wisely. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

7


The Right Stuff (continued) Trump has a consistent world view...

and is a man on a mission.

He likes to boast of his connections...

of his record...

and of his natural superiority.

Many find him annoying...

but with some help...

8

he hopes to reach even more voters. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


The Trump/Palin combo has taken the country by storm...

and she could put Trump over the top...

with her trademark style...

and Tea Party appeal.

It remains to be seen if Trump’s formula can work...

and who he would face.

But don’t be surprised...

February, 2016

if one day, he’s the leader of the free world.

HUMOR TIMES

9


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


“We Report, You Decry!”

ISIS to Use RemoteControl Bombs Suicide bombers explode in anger A group of suicide bombers have made it known that they are not the least bit happy about a decision made by ISIS leaders to develop remote-control bombs, which can kill hundreds of people without one suicide bomber dying. They are up in arms, no pun intended, and say they will fight the new mandate – if necessary, with self-explosives.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Flint to Turn Tainted Water’s Lead into Bullets to Justin Trudeau Fight Water Rioters and Needed School Pencils Denies Ted Cruz was FLINT, MI – After recent controversy re- forcement. garding toxic levels of lead in the water supply, “I use a lot of bullets on a regular basis,” said local legislators are finding ways to turn the cri- Police Union representative Harry Callahan sis into opportunity. stated. “This could be used “My men need to be to help reduce our budable to use their bullets get in a wide variety of without fear of running ways,” claimed city out,” said Callahan. co u n s elo r H ow ar d “We fire a lot of rounds Johnson. at a lot of people.” “For ex am ple, our C a l l a h a n sa i d a schools have little fundlarger budget for the ing for basic supplies p o l i c e d e p a r t me n t such as pencils,” said would benefit the comJohnson. “We can easmunity as the money ily take lead from the Snyder: “Our economy sucks, we need the lead.” flows into local busiwater and use it to make pencils, we could even nesses. use the revenue to raise teachers’ salaries, but Sales have declined by over 50 percent at we definitely won’t.” Flint’s Krispy Kreme due to law enforcement’s Johnson also revealed proposed plans to turn tightening budget. the excess lead into bullets for local law enReported by Stubhill News

ISIS: “Our hero is Sen Ted Cruz.”

“What are we be com ing?” asked Abdoul Abbabbi Abeddie, “Ed” for short, a 16-year-old teen who has been living and training in the Middle East since he was twelve, to be the next great sui cide bomber. Ed, who celebrated puberty with the declaration “I can grow a beard, finally!” had this to say about the mandate: “A robot cannot receive its reward of virgins after blowing itself up. That’s just sick. It would be a great waste of virgins if we were to use robots to do a boy’s, I mean, a man’s job,” he chastised. The decision to use remote-control bombs came after ISIS realized that many of its devoted followers were not that keen on going in and taking out lives when it involved taking their own. “Who knew?” said one ISIS leader known only as Farouk. “Now, even the offer of dozens of virgins after death are not enough to make these boys – I mean men – want to join ISIS.” “If we could use the virgins in this life to make them fight, sure, but then we have the problem that they might fall in love, want to get married, the whole family thing, and then we have to wait another 12 years for one of his offspring to join. It becomes a real problem for us,” he said. Reported by P. Beckert

Hillary’s 2016 Resolution: Destroy Bernie and ‘Seem Nice Doing It’ WASHINGTON – Early in January, Demo- to reform Wall Street or avoid the next financial cratic presidential candidate and former Secre- meltdown? Isn’t his age worse than me voting to tary of State Hillary Clinton announced her authorize the 2003 invasion of Iraq, and learn2016 resolution was to “completely destroy” ing so little from it that I openly entertain the Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, her primary very real possibility of a war with Iran if I am challenger for the party’s president?” presidential nomination. “Well, apparently a lot Clinton as serted she of Ameri cans think my w an ted to te a r d ow n policy positions are more Sanders, and ev ery thing concerning than Bernie’s he ever loved, while also age, which brings me to de sir ing to “seem nice the topic of favorability. A while doing it,” so that her lot of Democrats and Real read y u p s id e -d ow n publicans view me as an favorability numbers do opportunistic snake,” said not go even lower. Clinton, who mum bled “My 2016 resolution is Clinton working hard practicing spontaneity. something that sounded to do everything I can to burn Bernie Sanders like “sexists.” and everyone he loves to the ground, because he “So, to try and not sink my favorability numis the only thing standing in the way of me being bers even more, I will just have my supporters the Democratic presidential nominee. Sanders attack Bernie Sanders. That way, it will seem will not do to me what Obama did in 2008,” de- like I am above dirty political tricks and had clared a spry 69-year-old Hillary Clinton, who nothing to do with attacks on Bernie that clearly added, “And does anyone know Bernie Sanders benefit me,” said a smiling Hillary. is a 75-year-old socialist?” Secretary Clinton disclosed she also wanted Clinton continued, “Isn’t Bernie’s age more to “do more running and some serious abs important than me palling around with the bank- work” in 2016. ers, and not wanting to do anything meaningful Reported by Alexander Vosh

Ever Born in Canada OTTAWA, CANADA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today forcefully insisted at a press conference that “under no circumstances whatever could Ted Cruz possibly have been born in Canada.”

Mr Trudeau added: “Canadian? He’s barely human.” The Prime Minister was responding to what he called “waves of revulsion and embarrassment” engulfing his country following recent claims that the Texas senator had actually been born in Calgary in 1970. “To be fair, we conducted a check of all live male Canadian births in 1970. And all we found was just one tiny little birth certificate bearing his name. Just one. Well, as you Americans say, that don’t mean shit!” Mr Trudeau shook his head. “Let’s face it, a mere certificate of live birth signed by the attending physician and the baby’s parents is hardly sufficient. Ask Ted himself, about that, regarding President Obama. “But just in case, we already have a highly expert team of highly expert experts examining Mr Cruz’s alleged birth certificate right now. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but it definitely appears to be a forgery.” Mr Trudeau said that the most persuasive evidence that Sen. Cruz was not Canadian was Sen. Cruz himself. Apart from his “palpable evil, greed, megalomania and dislike of Caesar salads,” no Canadian “would cook his bacon on the barrel of an AR-15. Besides, you can hardly call what Cruz cooks bacon. That stuff you guys eat is 90 percent fat. “Listen up, Ted! Get yourself some real Canadian bacon to go with your green eggs! “And if you’re looking for somewhere to live after you don’t get elected in November,” the PM added with a laugh, “try New York City.” Reported by Michael Egan

Trump: When I Said Hillary Was Ripping the Headlines Today the headlines today, so you don’t have to ‘Disgusting’ I Meant it in a Good Way Making funByofPaul Lander NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Don- apparently muttered to himself. He squeezed, ald Trump yesterday defended his use of the his adipose paunch with two hands. word “dis gust ing” to char ac ter ize Hil lary “Sometimes,” he said aloud, “I think it’s just Clinton’s bath room break about my money, but she during the last Democratic says she’s really and truly Party debate. and sincerely and undeni“When I said ‘disgustably and ir re sist ibly ating,’” Trump explained at a tracted to s me l l y, press conference, “I meant it loud-mouthed, narcissistic, in the best possible way — overweight, fake-haired old like schlong, which is simply con-men with hyper-inflated the opposite of schlort. egos and the dictatorial, sar“So lemme say that it’s c a s t i c m a n n e r s of a great that Hillary’s girl parts Slovenian petty bureaucrat. are all healthy and working “Quote, unquote.” Trump and she can bleed disgustadde d. “ She is from ingly f ro m wh e r e v er, ” Trump and his disgusting wife, Melania. Slovenia, you know.” Trump observed. “So you see, disgusting is Then he said: “And of course I absolutely begood.” lieve her! Isn’t that just disgusting? In the very “The fact that them good disgusting parts best sense, of course.” disqualify her and Carly Fiorina from being Reported by Michael Egan president, is just another great thing about disgusting, like Carly’s face.” Surgeon General’s Warning: “When I say something disgusting, which I often do,” the presumed next President (in his Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens own head) added, “there’s nothing disgusting about it. Listen, patriotism is extremely disgust- about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and ing – think of our invasion of Iraq!” Another source of his daily disgust, said could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upTrump, were his disgusting thoughts about his setting the habitually pessimistic and people “Playboy model” daughter, whom he disgust- with weaker stomachs. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best ingly often dreams of dating. However, he is discouraged each morning by medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? the sight of his own “disgusting, wobbling pink Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – belly, all moist and hairy,” as he rolls out of bed. too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed: Subscribe on page 3, if you can handle “Never mind Ivanka, it makes me wonder what even Melania sees in me,” the great man it. And please give subscriptions responsibly!)

12

All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: 2016 Oscars slammed for having no actor nominee of color Well, unless, you count Matt Damon, who’s off-white. Iran frees sailors from two US Ships If they were Carnival Cruise ships, Iran could have claimed it was a rescue mission. Khloe Kardashian getting a talk show When what she really needs is a ‘Shut the Hell Up Show.’ Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to Jerry Hall Steve Harvey con grat u lated Chris tie Brinkley. Sean Penn interview of El Chapo led authorities to the Mexican drug lord It seems they could spot Penn’s ego from a satellite. Bill Kristol is ‘semi-serious’ about launching a new third party I’d rather he made a new ‘City Slickers.’ President Obama’s last State of the Union address was huge on Twitter Which would have made it the perfect time for the Prez to say, ‘Yup, born in Kenya…’ Drug Enforcement Administration: Agency paid Amtrak employee over $800,000 to act as informant Too bad the info was always late.

HUMOR TIMES

There are 63,000 struc tur ally de fi cient bridges in the U.S. Chris Christie: ‘See? You should have been thanking me when I was blocking access.’ China burned $3.5 billion a day in December Making it the Charlie Sheen of countries. Oscars 2016: ‘The Revenant’ gets 12 Academy Award nominations It’s a sure winner for ‘Best Film with an Obscure Word in its Title.’ Beyoncé’s debut solo album ‘Dangerously In Love’ has now sold more than 5 million copies in the U.S. No word where Kanye’s storing them. Police: Pizza driver stabs customer over delivery time Somebody didn’t get the memo on the meaning of delivering a slice. Donald Trump says he views Presidential race as a ‘war’ If he really believed that, he’d have already taken a deferment. Read more of Paul Lander’s columns at humortimes.com.

February, 2016


Still the Prez Obama gave his last SOTU like he just didn’t care...

and the reaction from the right was predictable...

with Trump saying he could do better.

Obama touted the improved economy...

his handling of ISIL...

and of nuclear threats.

Republicans counter that he’s been ineffectual...

February, 2016

and they take all the credit for that.

HUMOR TIMES

13


Following in the Prez’ Footsteps Hillary brought the old pro on board...

and the two of them are making the rounds.

Bill is a real spark plug for the campaign...

adding to the brand name recognition.

He can help widen the appeal...

and is a strategic inspiration.

But not everything is rosy...

14

as that pesky Sanders just won’t go away. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


She thought she’d already bagged the early states...

but he penetrated her inevitability cloak.

Hillary is understandably frustrated...

but there’s nowhere to run to.

She needs to reach out to the younger generation... and learn from past mistakes...

because the party base is restless.

February, 2016

Still, she remains confident it’ll be her convention.

HUMOR TIMES

15


The Hightower Lowdown Something’s Happening Here When I crossed paths with a Democratic Party campaign consultant in Austin last March, I suggested he come out to the local International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers hall to hear Bernie Sanders, adding that the Vermont senator was pondering a run for the presidency. “You gotta be kiddin’ me,” the political pro snorted. “Bernie Sanders? Let me tell ya, his chances are slim and none, and Slim don’t live in Bernie’s precinct. First of all, no one south of Greenwich Village ever heard of him. Second, who’s gonna vote for some old senator from a tiny state of Birkenstock-wearers damn near in Canada?” So that scoffer was a no-show, but we really didn’t have room for him anyway. We had expected about 200 people — the capacity of the hall — but nearly 500 Texans showed up that night to hear the undiluted populist message of this senator “no one ever heard of.” Austin was one of the first stops on a cross-country trip that Sanders was taking to assess whether an un abash edly pro gres sive, move ment-build ing pres i den tial cam paign

could rally any substantial support. If he ran, he intended to go right at the moneyed elites who’ve thoroughly corrupted our politics and rigged our economy to squeeze the life out of the middle class. But, would anyone follow? Were people really ready to do this, and could a 74-year-old, notoriously brusque Vermonter with a conspicuous Brooklyn accent be the one to spark such a modern-day American revolt? He wasn’t sure, and even if it might work, he assumed it would be a slow build. I was to introduce him at the Austin event, and as we worked our way from the parking lot, waving to an ebullient overflow group gathered outside the union building, shaking hands with people standing all along the hallway and up the s tair w ell , th e n s que e z ing through the jam-packed crowd in the auditorium — I said to him: “Something is happening here.” He nodded and said in an astonished whisper, “Something is happening.” That was a precursor to what would soon become the “Sanders Sensation,” a spontaneous, unusually vibrant grassroots uprising that has

already shattered the Democratic Establishment’s holy myth that corporate centrism and super PAC money are the only means to victory. Stupendous crowds are streaming into arenas all around the country to hear Sanders’ fact-studded speeches (which are more like ardent tutorials on democracy than rah-rah stump speeches). Not only are people signing up for his populist call to action, but hundreds of thousands of enthusiasts are also pitching in small donations (averaging under $30 each) to self-finance a viable, multimillion-dollar campaign that can go the distance. For me though, the great difference in this effort is that grassroots people themselves are taking charge — not leaving it to establishment office holders and party operatives to do the same old thing, From rallies of 10,000, 20,000, 30,000 people (as Donald Trump would say, these events are truly “Huuuuge!”) to the local campaign committees that have sprung up across the coun try like hardy spring wildflowers, most of the faces are new, fresh, and excited. Sure, many progressive old-timers are drawn to his maverick run, as are a cadre of experienced orga niz ers, but the driving force of “Bernie for President” is coming from two encouraging sources: (1) An emerging rainbow of young people dismayed and disgusted by the greed and pettiness of today’s “leaders” who are restructuring America into a plutocracy that callously sweeps the crying needs of the declining middle class, the poor, the planet, and the common good un der the rug of lais sez-faire

JIM HIGHTOWER

Kochism; and (2) a potentially game-changing group of working class mad-as-hellers who had disengaged from a governing system that has deliberately ignored working stiffs or, worse, cynically used them as political pawns to be demonized and disempowered.Sanders’ populist surge naturally intrigues a wide range of free-thinking, truth-seeking voters, but we are being warned by the Democratic hierarchy that the only way to ward off the Halloween horror of a Donald Trump-Ted Cruz presidency is to set aside our populist idealism this year and stick with Barack Obama-style, don’t-rock-the-corporate-boat liberalism offering small-step reforms. That’s not exactly a turn-on for the majority of people fed up with business-as-usual politics — which is why so many Americans are hitching their populist hopes to Sanders’ people-powered movement. “The price of liberty is something more than eternal vigilance. There must also be eternal advance. We can save the rights we have inherited from our fathers only by winning new ones to bequeath our children.” – Pro gres sive jour nal ist Henry Demarest Lloyd, circa 1914

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Aren’t Just a One-Time Gift, They’ll Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR LONG! ®

Support the media you want to see! Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off! 16

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


Miscellaneous Mischief

February, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

17


More Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2016


February, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

19


We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off!

Welcome to the

Coffee Garden

Is Serious Business!

3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today! Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $24.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!

*$2 OFF any subscription when you order online at HumorTimes.com!

Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice! Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding. Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.