Humor Times, April 2016

“The Humor Times is the best time you can have with your clothes on… But it’s just as funny nude.” – Will Durst

Issue #291

The

Silver Anniversary Issue • HumorTimes.com

April, 2016

“World’s Funniest News Source” • Formerly the Comic Press News

®

is

this month!

Don’t miss the HT Anniversary Celebration, starring Will Durst th Wed., April 13 , 7-9PM, at Laughs Unlimited, Sacramento!

t Don’ miss the

ÂŽ

Will Durst

th Anniversary

25

Celebration! th

Wednesday, April 13 2016, 7-9PM, at

Laughs Unlimited 1207 Front Street, in old town Sacramento

Advance tickets available at Laughs Unlimited and online at humortimes.com

More info in the back cover ad and at www.humortimes.com!

2

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Editor’s Letter We did it! We made it to our silver anniversary, the quarter century mark: 25 years of political humor, comedic muckraking, lampooning of deserved politicians and of the establishment press, and of course, just general all-purpose tomfoolery!

Our very first issue was dated April 1, 1991, and featured a four-page spread on the Gulf War, which was just winding down. You remember (that is, if you’re 35 or so) – that first excursion into the middle East by George Bush the First? After saving the oil under Kuwait for the super-rich gentry there (and for our own use, of course), George I ordered the troops home, instead of invading Iraq like the hawks at the time wanted. After eight years of Clinton (the First), George II – affectionately known as “W” – wasted no time in finding an excuse to go in and finish the job – thereby, he thought, avenging his dear old dad.

And here we are, still dealing with the fallout. ISIS arose from the power vacuum left by the downfall of the dictator Saddam Hussein, aided by all those weapons we left over there.

We’re still dealing with the huge debt caused by waging war while cutting taxes on the rich, and the resultant super-recession (aided by the high-tech thieves of Wall Street, themselves aided by the repeal of Dodd-Frank and the lax “regulation” of said Wall Street by Clinton I).

Yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. A fact I am reminded of whenever I go through back issues of the Humor Times and Comic Press News (as this publication was originally known). It’s amazing how the same themes are dealt with over and over again in the cartoons, although the artists do a great job of keeping it fresh – and funny!

Speaking of going through back issues, I’m putting together a slide show of the very best of the Humor Times/Comic Press News, for our 25th Anniversary Celebration (see back cover and humortimes.com for more info), to which you are cordially invited. That’s how we’ll kick it off, starting at 7pm, Wednesday, April 13th. But of course, we’ll be saving the best for last, as we once again present the world’s foremost political comedian, the one and only Will Durst.

Please help us spread the word about our little party, and get your tickets early – we could easily sell out.

I want to thank all our business supporters through the years, many of whom have returned for this issue – but especially the ones who stick with us throughout the year.

I also want to thank you, our dear readers, without whom we’d be... well, just fishwrap, I suppose. Please share your copies of the Humor Times, as well as sharing our humortimes .com content via social media. There are so many people out there who I know would appreciate the wicked humor of our great editorial cartoonists and columnists, but they just haven’t discovered us yet. That’s where you can really help.

Enjoy this 25th Anniversary Issue – and thanks for the memories!

– James Israel, Editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 25, Issue 291, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 2034 20th St, Sacramento, CA 95818. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2016. No part may be reproduced without permission.

DISCOVER

Congrats, HT on Your 25th!

W.E.T. River Trips is also celebrating a milestone of 39 years in whitewater rafting!

We thank all you readers for your support through the years! And now, some...

Special Discounts Just for You!

$

Two Day Trip

Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet Website! raftwet.com

17500

E R R I V

P S T R I

Since 1978

450,000 Sold!

Humor Times endorsed!

Updated 2015 Edition!

ADDICTED to WAR Why The U.S. Can't Kick Militarism

Congratulations on 25 years, Humor Times!

INVESTING Author of Tending Your Money Garden

www.johnreigerpottery.com 2012 H St. #200, Sacramento www.bobdreizler.com

Registered Representative for securities and Investment Advisory Representative, Protected Investors of America. Serving socially & environmentally conscious investors. Member FINRA/SIPC.

$

Call or visit our store: raftwet-store.com 1.888.723.8938

Thanks for all the laughs through the years!

916/444.2233

One Day Trip

Call for these special rates soon, while they last!

GREEN Align your investments with your values

6500

An Anti-War COMIC BOOK

by Joel Andreas Endorsed by: Howard Zinn, Glenn Greenwald, Medea Benjamin, Susan Sarandon, Martin Sheen, Noam Chomsky & Woody Harrelson.

To order Addicted To War send $15: Frank Dorrel, PO Box 3261, Culver City, CA 90231 • 310-838-8131 www.addictedtowar.com

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

OMNETWORKS

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $50.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $78.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

A Complete Internet Solution

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

3

Supreme Mitch Sen. Mitch McConnell is an “originalist”...

saying there are sacred principals at stake.

So Obama set out to test his resolve with a tempting pick...

but the GOP has other considerations.

Only the finest legal minds can grasp the concept...

but to the layman, it seems like tortured logic.

They’re waiting for someone with the right stuff...

4

but that could be a while.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Bite of the Apple The FBI wants to friend you...

and help you make the right choice.

Don’t worry, the government has assured us...

that they only want this one little thing.

Sacramento Access TV’s

SOAPBOX!

In-depth interviews with local progressive leaders.

In March, Humor Times editor James Israel interviews comedian Keith Lowell Jensen about his political humor. James hosts segments each month on the second and third Mondays.

Hosts Joy Halstead and Lola Ellis can be seen on the first and fourth Mondays, welcoming very interesting guests of their own.

Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento, and available anytime on YouTube on the SoapBoxSacramento channel!

April, 2016

15% OFF

Subscriptions

y r a s r ve i n n A l! a i c e Sp

Give the gift of laughter today – to friends, relatives, co-workers, or even yourself!) Use the handy coupon on page 3 and write “Anniversary Special” on it. Or use a blank piece of paper, and include the recipients’ names and addresses, a check or money order payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, Ca 95816

HUMOR TIMES

Or order online at humortimes.com and use “AnnivHT” in the Discount blank!

(U.S. regular or PDF subscriptions only. Offer expires April 30, 2016.)

5

Presumptively Yours Bernie Sanders is doing his best...

to hold off what most feel is inevitable.

But he’s not the only one bringing the heat.

After all, you can run, but you can’t hide...

when you have to constantly defend yourself.

Bernie says Hillary is just another one-percenter...

but she’s addressing that. Meanwhile...

6

they’re both burnishing their street cred. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Hillary says she’s unfairly treated...

Hands down the best newsstand in town!

An acclaimed selection of Magazines, Greeting Cards, Candies, Cigars and more.

Open: 7:00am to 10:00pm Mon-Sat 7:30am to 7:30pm Sunday

and Bernie feels marginalized.

514 3rd Street, Davis, CA 95616 (530) 756-6247

Either way, Dems have a strong shot at prevailing...

if voters don’t let it go up in flames.

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

7

Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump Will Durst will headline the Humor Times 25th Anniversary Celebration, Wed., April 13th, 7-9pm at Laughs Unlimited in old town Sacramento. We’ll open with a slideshow of the best Humor Times cartoons through the quarter century. More info at humortimes.com, and in the ad, back cover. See you there!

The “Stop Donald Trump” movement began as a gentle trickle within the Republican party. Now the number of GOP groups intent on preventing the New York real estate developer from becoming their presidential nominee is about to exceed broken March Madness brackets. Thanks, Michigan State.

There’s the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Death Before Trump, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, the I’d Rather Chew Leeches Crew, People for Responsible Hair and a group opposed to anybody with “UMP” in their name.

Rumor has it a group of Hollywood conservatives tried to recruit Tom Hanks to team with Sally Field and create a Super Pac called Forrest Trump, whose motto would be “Don’t run, Donald, don’t run.”

As excited as Trump’s supporters are over his unorthodox candidacy, his detractors are equally passionate about its necessary demise. And with incumbent Senators, other down-ticket candidates and people who just enjoy a party, the Anti-Trump Express has gotten as crowded as the last free beer bus to the game.

Chances are folks would flock onboard faster if the welcoming committee wasn’t hosted by Ted Cruz. To many Republicans, Trump versus Cruz is way beyond rock and a hard place. It’s closer to rampaging rhinoceros and train wreck on fire.

Each rival group has separate concerns. The establishment elites are naturally wary of any candidate not beholden to their

help and influence. Especially since when discussing their raison d’etre- tax cuts, Trump has been all over the map. All over a lot of maps. Not necessarily English-speaking maps.

Some worry he could permanently damage the party brand.

Others disparage him as a bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oaf, but emphasize they are not opposed to other bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oafs from holding public office. It’s mostly a one-time thing.

What we are witnessing is no less than a fight for the soul of the Republican Party, which, is like a jurisdictional dispute over the Poetry Wing of the Federal Reserve. Wrestling for the fur of an eel.

Marco Rubio, speaking of Trump’s refusal to denounce David Duke, said, “There’s no room in the Republican Party for racists.”

Wow. I knew there were a lot of them; who would of thought all the slots were full? Must be an affirmative action program. Go to Mitch McConnell’s office, take a number, wait your turn.

All sorts of strategies have been floated. Manipulating the rules at a contested convention. Organizing a third party. Staging a write-in campaign. Exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan. Kidnapping the Donald then substituting Paul Ryan, John Kasich or Carol Channing. And something darkly referred to as “The Kennedy Solution.”

Ac tiv ity in ten si fied af ter an ear lier strat egy of the Anti-Trumpers backfired. Mitt Romney gave some silly sanctimonious speech patiently explaining to legions of insurrectionists why they should fall in line and take their marching orders from a loser like him. Wolves have given more charitable speeches to sheep.

What these desperate party regulars fail to realize is getting Trumpeteers to toe the establishment line is beyond futile. You’d

WILL DURST

have a better shot of herding drunken cats on ice in a hurricane.

Best to think of these renegades like venomous ticks. The harder you pull, the more tenaciously they dig in.

Back Door G-Man This huge brouhaha between the FBI and Apple Inc has escalated into a Battle Royale between the righteous and the wicked.

And, as often happens, both sides are claiming to be on the side of the angels. With so many good guys in attendance, it’s amazing that world-wide badness is still so pervasive. But you can’t blame television for everything.

The Feds want Apple to create specialized software in order to bypass the auto-erase feature of the San Bernardino terrorists’ iPhone. They don’t just want access to a backdoor, they want Apple to design a backdoor, construct it then hand them the only key.

And snacks. They want snacks too.

It’s the age-old battle between security and privacy, safety and confidentiality, minty freshness and chocolaty richness. But once breached, there’s no going back. It’s a slope more slippery than a caffeinated eel in a bathtub full of bacon grease. No such thing as a virgin repair kit, you know.

The FBI says they only need to do this once. Yeah, right. Federal investigators in 11 other jurisdictions have already filed motions seeking access to suspects’ iPhone data. A Manhattan DA has 175 phones he wants to crack. Get ready to open a Pandora’s Box of 4th amendment violations, full of venomous snakes ready to spring out and bite us in the butt.

Repeatedly.

The problem is, you let one government into your back door and every other government is going to break land-speed records to stand in line to do the same and not all of them are familiar with the concept of lubricant, if you catch my drift. Besides, no global company, not even one located in Cupertino, California, can say yes to Obama and nyet to Putin. China?

North Korea? Seriously?

The FBI says we need to trust them. Isn’t this the same FBI that vowed for years they weren’t conduct ing il le gal sur veil lance on Americans until it was revealed they were? And the same FBI that offered flawed testimony in thousands of court cases resulting in prosecutions, some of which led to executions? You mean that FBI? I wouldn’t trust that FBI as far as I could throw two handfuls of glue.

And the fallacy of the backdoor code remaining secure is so laughable it should be green-lighted its own sit-com on Comedy Central.

The claim that nobody else would be able to get their hands on this technology is either woefully ignorant or further demonstration of an ineptitude approaching that of a Sher m an t ank i n t he up per branches of an elm tree.

The only way to guarantee security in this, the 7th year of the 2nd de cade of the 21 st cen tury, is through a self-imposed sentence of solitary confinement. The term “internet privacy” is like saying “transparent cement” or “blazing snow.” Last October a 16 year old kid hacked CIA Di rec tor John Brennan’s personal email. Why doesn’t the FBI hire him?

Si des ar e be i ng cho sen.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg supports Apple while Bill Gates has come down on the side of the FBI. He would. And finally, supporting the FBI’s position, the walking contradic tion known as Donald Trump called for a patriotic boycott of Apple in a tweet. That he sent out on his iPhone. You can’t make stuff up like this.

Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future appearances such as his one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.” Don’t miss him at the Humor Times 25th Anniversary Celebration, April 13th in Sacramento.

8

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Happy 25th, Humor Times, You Young Whippersnapper!

We’re Celebrating Our 69th!

Enjoy Vic’s Ice Cream at these fine locations!

Vic’s Ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime!

Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors, including IRISH COFFEE! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

3199 Riverside Blvd.

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

448-0892

Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks

VOTED SACRAMENTO’S BEST ICE CREAM!

Vic’s Café is now open next door!

6AM-8PM Mon-Fri • 7AM-8PM Sat & Sun

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

9

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Nostradamus on ‘Dystopia Trump’: Bleak Future Predicted How Trump, Short-Fingered Controversial Dating Nostradamus, the French apoth e cary, laws, use the same spelling found on social meVulgarian, Spends His Sundays and unicyclist, published erotic dia and gaming sites. As a result, the world is Site: No Filters Needed break-dancer In an exclusive interview with the Humor novels and collections of prophecies that are drowning in a pool of low-functioning intelliThe massive popularity of niche dating sites proves that people today know what they want. With new dating websites such as WhereWhitePeopleMeet.com, ChristianMingle.com and BlackPeople Meet.com, sin gles have got ten used to some pretty selective filtering options.

However, none of these sites have been as phen o menally pop u lar ( a n d con trover sial) as the new est dating site that claims to get down to what everyone is really looking for: Where-GoodLookingPeopleWhoAre AlsoSmartFunnyHornyandRich-Meet.com.

The founder and creator of the site, Dr. Barbie Mingurl, also bestselling author of relationship books; “Dump Him Before He Dumps You” and “How to Breed a Super Model or NFL Athlete,” encourages singles to focus on what really matters in relationships, such as fitting into similar fashion labels, comparably high IQ’s and superlative sexual prowess. She tells her fans that life is too short to settle for anything less.

Mingurl claims that the site gets to “the meat of things” by automatically weeding out losers so members can enjoy more dating time and less time with lesser details.

Mingurl states, “We really feel there is a universal market for bringing quality singles together, without muddying the waters of the (dating) pool.” However, she is concerned about possible “fake profiles” that may have been created. Many profile pics mysteriously resemble Angelina Jolie or numerous other (already married) A-list celebrities, as well as various well-known Playboy centerfolds claiming to have Ivy-League doctorates.

The secret to the website’s success, Mingurl claims, is their marketing system, which “strategically avoids” all advertising and accessibility in Midwestern regions such as Wisconsin and Missouri, where the population is predominantly unattractive.

In heartfelt consideration of the more homely audiences that have felt excluded by the website, Dr. Mingurl has created a new one called CatLady.Com, so the remaining singles of the world can meet and exchange photos of their cats.

– Lila Romero, RomeBird.WordPress.com

known around the world. gence.

Multi-tal ented, not only Here, thanks to inside was Nostradamus a diviner, sources, we have the most he was a ventriloquist and a shocking extracts available keen basketball player, and for your eyes only: it is common knowledge The year was 2018, and that he wrote at least two everybody was under the books on perfecting the art rule of The Orange One. He of the 3-point shot. Howwas the master, the supreme ever, he is best known for leader. The minions, well, his book, Les Propheties for some were more equal than Dummies. others. In the eyes of The Nostradamus has atOrange One, those squinty, tracted a cult following that evil eyes, the stupid people Nostradamus predicted Dystopia. credits him with predicting were “the greatest.” Many many major world events, everything from the of “the greatest,” somewhat perplexingly, held war in Iraq to the demise of Bill Cosby. Al- the most powerful positions in government. though most academic sources maintain that the The education system was a mess, with only associations made between world events and one university in existence: Trump University.

Nostradamus’ predictions are largely the result Everyone, much to the dismay of the few intelof misinterpretations, the latest discovery can- lectuals still functioning, had no option but to not simply be called a fluke. enroll -- it was the law.

In true Nostradamus style, the story is filled Television programs were often interrupted with profanity and ominous warnings. With by the “greatest” news bulletins. As many of many Bernie sup port ers ex ter mi nated or these bulletins made no sense, it wasn’t clear cocooned in an experimental hibernation ma- why exactly they were called “the greatest.” No chine, the world is now populated and run by women were allowed to appear on television. complete morons. The result? A grotesque, They were fitted with ankle bracelets and were overcrowded, corporate-controlled society. The rarely allowed to leave the kitchen. knuckle-drag gers are lim ited to re pet i tive The Master would come on screen once in a phrases like, “white man good” and “great man while to say, “You’re poorly educated. I love the in big house is greatest.” poorly educated. Stay as you are.”

All advertisements, under the strictest of Reported by John Glynn

Trump’s ‘Thin Skin’ Disorder Could Lead to Undoing In 2012, we re porte d tha t Don ald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Har vey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the W hite House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or ‘thin skin’ to the layman.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor’s orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not

Scalia’s Ghost Apologizes After Meeting with Founding Fathers via GoogleSeance™ PURGATORY – Demands by the Heritage Mr Scalia revealed that the dramatic reversal Foundation that late Supreme Court Justice in his opinions followed “several mandatory Antonin Scalia be permitted to vote “from be- meetings with the ‘Original Originalists’ themyond the grave” have been selves, the actual Founding unexpectedly realized.

Fathers and authors of the US However, they are unlikely Constitution.” to be pleased.

The ex-judge ac knowlA shock ing new in teredged that right off the bat view with the ghost of the reBen Franklin had quickly edcently de p a r te d j u d ge , u c a te d hi m a bout his speak ing via GoogleSe“Originalist” legal approach. ance™ satellite from his cell Franklin convinced him inside Purgatory’s notorious that you can’t read a docuMr Scalia and his “little friend.”

“Hyp o crites’ Hell Hole” ment two centuries old or yesterday, took both the internet and the world more and be certain about its authors’ “real but by storm. YouTube said its site crashed for more hidden” meanings. than three hours.

“That’s so obvious it’s almost embarrassThe entire GOP Congressional caucus is said ing,” Scalia shamefacedly admits in the video. to now be in crisis.

“I can’t believe Ruthie Ginsburg and the girls let During his two hour interview, described as me get away with it for so long.” “confession-like,” an ashen-faced Scalia admitThe dead judge also declared that Thomas ted that all his earthly legal opinions were noth- Jefferson himself had “definitively” cleared up ing more than “arglebargle, applesauce and one of the Bill of Rights’ most controversial jiggery-pokery,” lavishly financed by the Kochs points: the Second Amendment. and the bloody-handed oil industry.

“Tom told me personally more than once that Also in the video, Scalia grovellingly apolo- the critical part of Two was ‘a well-regulated gizes to America’s liberals and leftists, all of militia,’” Scalia insisted. “Apparently what they whom, he now admits, “were and are com- really had in mind was something like a modern pletely right, factually immaculate and unerr- police force, which of course didn’t exist in ingly correct on every single major social and those days.” economic issue facing the country today. There, Scalia shook his head. “They certainly didn’t I said it.” intend that every uneducated lunatic nutjob Scalia adds: “For God’s sake – and I am could roam the streets with a freaking Howitzer! speaking on the Highest Authority here – dump Adams, Hamilton, Madison – all those guys – Trump and elect Bernie Sanders president! It’s told me the same thing too.”

America’s only hope!”

Reported by Michael Egan

10

only will Trump’s skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn’t explode first.

When asked about the doctor’s statement, Trump stated defiantly “I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean.

There is no problem whatsoever in that department.”

Dr. Finkelstein was definitive, however.

“Look, if this condition is not treated properly, there could be grave consequences.”

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, “He could literally explode.”

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to

Times, Trump divulged his regular Sunday routine. For your edification, we list it here.

I’m a Lumberjack: First thing off when I wake up is to check t he m or ning-wood situa t i o n .

Tremendous – I can as sure y ou. Never fails. Ivanka had a ni ckTrump: Short-Fingered Vulgarian. name for it – and it sure as hell wasn’t “little Donald.”

Boning Up on History: Been reading about the lives of presidents – tremendous. Knowledge is power. Warren Harding was part Negro. James Buchanan was a fag. LBJ used to take a shit in front of his staff. You can learn a lot from books.

Legal Eagles: Sunday’s when I meet up with my Jewish lawyers. And that’s a compliment – the best lawyers are Jews. Tremendous. Gotta protect Mr. Trump’s brand. Just found out there’s some kind of French perfume called “Trump L’oeil.” We’re going to be all over them – see you in court, Pepé Le Pew! The Slant on Lunch: Chinese food for lunch: always. Love it. Did you know Obama’s father worked as an illegal in a Chinese restaurant back in the 1960s? Whenever I go for lunch I order “flied lice.” The waiters love it – big laughs all around. Remember Hawaii Five-0? “Chin Yu” starring as “Ho Chong” or something? I mean, what the fuck was that?

Afternoon Delight: Afternoon I take care of business in the bedroom, not the boardroom – know what I mean? They say JFK used to ball three, four times a day. Fantastic. Bill Clinton too. Can you blame him? A wife who looks like Hillary? I’d rather screw Eleanor Roosevelt.

Night Life: Evening’s when I bone up on international affairs – and believe you me, have I had some international affairs! Been talking to Henry Kissinger. Jewish guy. Smart as hell.

Screwed Ali McGraw back in the day. Says Putin’s a closet fag.

Reported by Richard Klin

the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of The Donald’s head.

“In my opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump’s head from exploding is the ‘super glue for the skin’ we use. Without that, I fear Mr. Trump’s head is a ticking time bomb.”

Reported by P Beckert

Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.

So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Happy 57th birthday, Flavor Flav I’m sure you’re still busy turning all those clocks ahead.

SeaWorld w ill cease breeding killer whales Whales who have only commit ted mis de mean ors, however, can continue to get busy.

Pornhub sees a notable surge in ‘leprechaun porn’ viewing on St. Patrick’s Day Bringing new meaning to the term ‘getting a little.’

Ma donna pulls down shirt of 17-year-old female fan during concert If that doesn’t get Madonna’s estranged teenage son to show up, noth ing will.

Kasich takes Ohio And, as we know, as Ohio goes, so goes parts of Western Pennsylvania.

Marco Rubio drops out of race I was, however, amazed at Rubio’s concession speech. Not that he made it, but that his mom let him stay out that late to give it.

Judge allows Lindsay Lohan to advance in ‘Grand Theft Auto’ lawsuit Not sure about this. Now, if the game was called ‘Trainwreck...’

Emails: Hillary Clinton asked for a BlackBerry in 2009, but the NSA said no Instead, they suggested she use MySpace, because nobody would ever look there.

President Obama’s Supreme Court pick is a 63-year-old white guy ...and fellow Kenyan.

Hulk Hogan: Woman in sex tape testifies in wrestler’s privacy trial Like all his stuff on tape, turns out it’s just him with another partner faking it.

Grand Dragon of KKK says he’s no longer supporting Trump So he’s against the Blacks, the Browns and the Orange.

Why President Obama’s approval rating is at a 3-year high?

Comparison shopping.

KISS announces 40th Anniversary Tour Instead of ‘Rocking and Rolling,’ look for them to keep getting up ‘All Night’ to pee.

HUMOR TIMES

Scott Baio endorses Donald Trump Can someone tell me who the cast members of ‘The Facts of Life’ are endorsing, so I can not give a rat’s ass about that either?

Arnold Schwarzenegger walks out of an interview over a Trump question Look for Arnold’s next film ‘The Interview Terminator.’

April, 2016

We Toast to You, Humor Times, on Your 25th Anniversary!

Great Food, Awesome Beer, Cool People!

Best Beer in Town, Brewed on Site!

Enjoy here with friends... or take us home!

Hoppy Hour 3pm-6pm daily and a late night Hoppy Hour every day!

Hoppy Brewing Company 6300 Folsom Blvd. • 916.451.4677 • www.hoppy.com April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Theater Creations Celebrating 25 Years Years!

arlington April 1 - May 1, 2016

California Stage Theater Creations presents Analise Langford-Clark in a new musical at California Stage.

Analise and Jonathan Blum will shine in California Stage’s sparkling production of Arlington. A favorite with audiences in San Francisco and New York, CalStage now brings this provocative new chamber musical to Sacramento!

Analise Langford-Clark in “Arlington” Through Analise, audiences meet Sara Jane, the seemingly sweet and sheltered army wife who nonetheless wrestles valiantly with our tempestuous times. This contemporary incarnation of Nora Helmer must grapple with an overbearing family fraught with contradictions, a devastating loss, and some disturbing truths in order to find her place and peace of mind. Can love really conquer all in the midst of such a storm?

Jonathan Blum (Italian Opera) joins Analise as accompanist and lends his voice to the men who shape Sara Jane’s life. Bob Irvin will make his CalStage directorial debut.

Arlington, with book and lyrics by Victor Lodato and music by Polly Pen, premiered at San Francisco’s Magic Theater in 2013 before running off-Broadway at the Vineyard Theatre in early 2014. Now, Analise, Jonathon, and Bob – whose work has been so beloved by Fair Oaks Theatre Festival audiences – bring this stirring, thought-provoking musical to Sacramento.

California Stage Theater in the R25 Arts Complex aa 25th & R St, Midtown • Easy free parking available • 916-451-5822 $20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, military & children. $12.00 for groups of 6 or more.

Get tickets and watch a video teaser at: CalStage.org!

Free your mind and the rest will follow www.aofonline.org • 916-304-3796 14

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Traveling Circus: Size Matters The Greatest Show on Earth rolled on through March...

There is much more to see...

April, 2016

but it was not G-rated.

so live a little.

Death-defying acts...

and a circus atmosphere entertain the masses.

Trump says he’s the greatest ever...

but that’s for history to judge. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

15

Traveling Circus: High Wire Act The old guard is worried...

as things have not gone according to script.

They have tried to prop up challengers...

and to whip everyone into line...

but they can’t seem to win for losing...

and it’s like their party is under a spell.

It’s like a bad reality show... or the worst episode of Lassie ever. (continued)

16

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

Traveling Circus: Strong Man The Donald has brought party factions together...

and stirred the passions of forgotten minorities...

bringing back real entertainment to the masses.

Sure, there may be a little roughhousing...

but Trump knows how to spin it.

Big Money is feeling left out this time...

and Christians are taking a lot on faith...

April, 2016

but what would St. Ronnie say? (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

17

Traveling Circus: The Show Must Go On Some are predicting the end of the GOP as we know it...

Either way, the party may be hobbled...

but others hold out hope for a spectacular finish.

and susceptible to an all-out assault from the left.

Still, stranger things have happened...

so don’t count The Donald out.

If he’s elected, it will be “YUUUGE”...

18

and, perhaps – the beginning of the end?

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

The Hightower Lowdown Who are the Pickpockets Prowling your City’s Airport?

If you take the word f-r-e-e and rip the “r” out of it, what do you get? Two things, actually: One, instead of “free” you get “fee” — and then you get mad.

This is happening to millions of airline passengers who’re discovering that the advertised price of a ticket is not the half of it. Beaucoup fees have been added, charging us for items that previously were (and still should be) free. People’s rage-ometers zing into the red zone when they see that these fees-for-former-freebies will often more than double the cost of a trip.

Like diabolical bankers did years ago, top executives of airline corporations have learned to goose up prices and profits, (as well as their own pay) by nickel-and-diming customers. Only their fees are way more than nickel and dimes.

For example, if you schedule a flight, but something comes up and you have to change the time, day, or destination of your trip — BAM! — airlines zap you with a $200 fee. Basically for nothing! Computers quickly make the change, costing the corporation a mere pittance, but rather than graciously accommodating your

need and making you a satisfied customer, they pick your pocket and make you angry.

Gouging and infuriating ticket buyers might seem like a poor business model for the long run, but airline CEOs these days insist that their duty is not to please consumers, but only to make their major stockholders happy by maximizing their short term profits. And, indeed, the rip-off is very lucrative for the corporate elite — airlines pocketed nearly $3 billion last year just from fees they charged passengers who needed to alter their flights.

In one of Stephan Pastis’ “Pearls Before Swine” comic strips, his character, “Rat,” develops a smart phone app that I want. As Rat explains it: “Whenever your bank charges you some stupid fee for something, you just tap this little button here.” Oh, asks another character, does the app file a complaint? “No,” says Rat, “it summons a herd of bunnies that parachute in and eat the bank’s CEO.” Now that’s a useful app! I’d also want it to sic the bunnies on today’s airline executives, for their fees have become stupider than bank as-

sessments. They are not just charging fees for changing your flight, airlines even charge you a fee for calling to buy a ticket from them! Also, while the price of jet fuel has plummeted, they’re still stinging customers with a fuel surcharge fee. It doesn’t stop there, they also charge you for picking seats, using their pillows and blankets, checking or carrying on bags, and — get this — families sitting together. That adds up to a totally-unwarranted multibillion-dollar, corporate windfall — siphoned right out of our pockets.

How do they get away with such brazen robbery? By colluding with each other to prevent customers from having any real choice — and by regularly doling out campaign donations to keep congress critters from interfering with their mo nop o lis tic games man ship. Thanks to a frenzy of mega-mergers, only four airline giants — American, Delta, Southwest, and United — now control 80 percent of all domestic airplane seats, and most of our airports are dominated by only one of the Big Four, leaving fliers at their mercy. By dividing up the market, colluding on fares and fees, and effectively bribing Congress, airlines hauled off a record $33 billion in profit last year — an increase of nearly 90 percent over the previous year!

Advertise in the

JIM HIGHTOWER

But, hey, they say they’re going to share that with us. How? By handing out a little bag of snacks to us passengers. Perfect — they gouge billions out of our wallets, then literally try to placate us with peanuts. It’s time to call in the bunnies. To curtail this “Great American Plane Robbery,” several senators have proposed a “FAIR Fees Act.” For information contact Sen. Ed Mar key ’s of f i ce: 202- 224- 2742 or www.markey.senate.gov.

“It is an obscenity that we stigmatize so many young Americans with a criminal record for smoking marijuana, but not one major Wall Street executive has been prosecuted for causing the near collapse of our entire economy.”

– Sen. Bernie Sanders

Kill your TV. Read a Book.

Wow, 25 Years!

Thanks for all the laughs through the years, Humor Times!

Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

THE BOOK COLLECTOR 1008 24th St., Sacramento, 95816 T-F 10-5 • SAT 10-6 • SUN 11-4

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com.

Support Your Local Neighborhood Booksellers!

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today!

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

21

More Mischief

22

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2016

April, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

23

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off!

Anniversary Subscription Special!

15% OFF on Subscriptions to the

Use the handy coupon on page 3 and write “Anniversary Special” on it.

Or order online at humortimes.com and use “AnnivHT” in the Discount blank!

(U.S. regular or PDF subscriptions only. Offer expires April 30, 2016.)

Congratulations, Humor Times, on your 25th Anniversary Issue!

May you have many more.

Dos Coyotes features: Fresh, Healthy Southwestern Cuisine Farm to Fork Seasonal Specials as well as our regular menu Opening this summer in Concord

Davis • Sacramento • Roseville Folsom • Elk Grove www.doscoyotes.com