Humor Times, Sept 2016

“Life gets mighty precious when there’s less of it to waste.” – Bonnie Raitt Issue #295

The News, Cartoon Style!

September, 2016

Formerly the Comic Press News

®

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ • www.HumorTimes.com

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2016

Editor’s Letter Entertainer-in-Chief?

It seems like there are many among Donald Trump’s supporters who like him just because he “says what he thinks” and speaks off-the-cuff. For sure, he’s an entertainer who knows how to work the media.

I can see the attraction, in a way. After all, the same ol’ same ol’ has not produced very good results. The economy is a shambles, and the average person is making far less today in real dollars than their equivalent in decades gone by. It gets worse every year, as wages remain stagnant while living expenses continue to climb.

So, if established politicians can’t deliver real change, maybe shaking things up with an “outsider” is the way to go!

Yeah, maybe. Except, Mr Trump is anything but an outsider. Sure, he’s never held public office, but he’s a one-percenter who wants nothing to do with “the poors” – other than getting their vote. And their money.

You see, if you’re an average working stiff, whether it be a white or blue-collar worker, Trump has ripped your kind off repeatedly, without remorse. After all, sociopaths (http://countercurrentnews.com/2016/02/psychologist-explains-trump-is-literally-a-narcissistic -psychopath/) don’t feel empathy. They care only for themselves: “On just one project, Trump’s Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, records released by the New Jersey Casino Control Commission in 1990 show that at least 253 subcontractors weren’t paid in full or on time, including workers who installed walls, chandeliers and plumbing,” Steve Reilly of USA Today writes.

Trump’s alleged refusal to pay bills doesn’t really seem to be about saving money, either. After all, one of his strategies to get out of paying the bills is to tie people up in court so long that they run out of money, a strategy so expensive that it seems like it would just be cheaper to pay them in the first place.

Instead, as one woman, who alleges that Trump shorted her $735,212 in real estate commissions, says, the decision not to pay appears to be based on “whimsy”. Which lines up with what we already know about Trump: He likes to dominate people and enjoys feeling like he got one over on someone.

– From Salon.com: https://t.co/gE5rqVDQmM Sound like presidential material to you? Be sure and pass this information on to people you know who would risk our country’s well-being to be “entertained.”

Enjoy

– James Israel, Editor

Vic’s Ice Cream at these fine locations!

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 25, Issue 295, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 2034 20th St, Sacramento, CA 95818. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2016. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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September, 2016

HUMOR TIMES

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Busting Glass Ceilings (and Maybe Some Laws) Before the Democratic convention even started...

the DNC Chairwoman was toast.

Things were a little topsy-turvy to start...

and Hillary is lucky she had some help.

Bernie did his best to mollify the pain of his supporters...

It got more, shall we say, conventional, from there...

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though many did not appreciate his new direction.

and Hillary did her best to meet expectations. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2016

Dems seemed to trade roles with the GOP this year...

but Trump didn’t play by “conventional” rules.

Somehow, Dems got through it all...

with the party solidly behind a woman as their nominee.

Bill is to play a big part in campaign strategy...

She and Trump are getting security briefings...

September, 2016

but all Hillary has to do at this point is maintain.

but her security concerns are more involved. (continued)

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Bizarre Similarities Between Trump and Clinton Our quadrennial presidential sweepstakes regularly provides textbook studies in contrast. And 2016 raises the bar in disparity.

Red and blue. Left and right. Hot and cold. Up and down. Good and bad. Boy and girl. Pro and con. Loud and soft. Rain or shine.

Fish and fowl. Dumb and dumber.

Perhaps the only fact that supporters of both major party candidates can agree is that differences between the two do exist.

Donald Trump is a Gemini and Hillary Clinton a Scorpio. He’s 70 years old while she doesn’t turn 69 until October. And that relative youth obviously goes a long way in explaining why Millennials overwhelmingly favor her.

One is a democrat and the other a demagogue. One is a woman who has big hands and the other isn’t and doesn’t. And as Michael Bloomberg put it, one of them is not insane.

But this is America, damn it, where yeah, sure, we acknowledge our differences. After all, each and every one of us is special and unique like a baby snowflake. But this is a country that also embraces that which binds us together, and the number of bizarre similarities the Donald and the Hillary share is uncanny.

Well, they’re not quite mirror images, but considering one is a 5’ 6" career politician and one is a 6’ 2" reality TV star, there are enough peas-in-a-pod resemblances to call out the doppelganger police. Although best you ring the business office, not the emergency number.

For instance: both Trump and Clinton are Americans who live in New York, are right-handed and sport bullet-proof hair. Both treat the truth with a disdain normally reserved for Zika-infested mosquito ponds and have spouses that are beloved enablers of the tabloids. Each has five fingers on their left and right hands and should you have occasion to shake hands with either, you would be well advised to count your fingers before walking away.

Both have running mates that were they to assume the Presidency, the nation would nod off within a week. Each has the same connection to regular humans as a Lear Jet has in common with Comet kitchen cleanser. Neither can believe they are not leading the other by at least 25 points in the polls and collectively they exhibit the grace of 40-grit sandpaper with neither having the faintest notion of when to put a sock in it.

Both have unfavorable ratings higher than guard geese downwind of a marijuana field on fire. Each is fond of mangling the English language while wearing a name-brand suit. Neither is a billionaire and both are still picking the splintered bones of vanquished primary opponents from between their toes.

Both have been a pointy mote in the public eye for decades and are prone to making themselves incredibly easy targets of late night comedians. And each has problems with the new technology; one is stymied by emails, the other is addicted to tweets.

And finally, each candidate is adamant that if the other is elected on November 8th it will be a disaster not just for the nation, but the hemisphere, the planet, the solar system and the universe. And the two have united millions who believe that on this issue they both may be right.

What the American People Want So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby. Your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration.

It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. More polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at

WILL DURST

the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.

Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or boring.

The fights to both party’s nominations were vicious, petty, puerile, perverse, depraved, savage, a slapstick parody and a sham with a little surrealistic burlesque thrown in for good measure.

The next three months promise more of the same on a larger scale with a smaller cast of characters. It’ll be like a daytime soap turned into a feature film, complete with plot twists and special effects and surprise cameos and reverse camera angles and pretty much everything but car chases. Although, with Bill Clinton involved, you can’t rule it out.

Expect multi-directional, laser-focused, cluster bomb attacks on two people whose outsized personalities make them targets the size of your proverbial side of the barn. And they will be hit. From 3 feet away. With pointy rocks.

The hardest part is figuring out which is scarier: that one of these two is going to become the next president of the United States, or the American people get to decide.

Politicians echo that refrain like hyperactive crickets in the summer dusk: “It’s what the American people want.” And, “Let’s see what the American people want.”

Nooooo. Let’s not see what the American people want. Have we learned nothing at all from segregation and the Civil War and The Real Housewives of Orange County? You want to know what the American people want? We’ll tell you what the American people want.

The American People want drive-thru nickel beer night.

The American People want to lose weight by eat ing po tato chips.

The American People think louder is better and deafening is best.

The American People want to climb K-2 in a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The American People want the Supreme Being to help their team beat the other team, totally oblivious that fans of the other team expect the same thing.

The American People require a warning label on their brake fluid to keep them from drinking it.

The American People want to win the lottery without having to buy a ticket.

The American People think any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

The American People want to make society safer with more guns.

The American People want to visit for eign lands and speak English.

The American People want better schools and roads by paying fewer taxes.

The American People would chew off their own foot if Oprah told them there was liquid gold in their ankle veins.

The American People want to look like George Clooney by getting $10 haircuts.

68 percent of the American People still believe professional wrestling is legitimate.

The American People have t he at t en t i on span of t ornado-strewn straw.

The American People think the laws of gravity should be repealed.

The American People love the Home Shopping Net work because it’s commercial free.

God bless the American People.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future ap pear ances such as hi s one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

“The closer I get to my goal, the better my chance of discovering what it is.”

– Ashleigh Brilliant

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2016

Busting Glass Ceilings (conclusion) Despite things getting a little shaky...

Hillary is fighting to keep it all together.

It’s not easy keeping the balance she needs...

to finally bust through...

realize her dreams...

and claim the big prize.

But she has one last dragon to slay...

September, 2016

and has to hope they’ll vote female in the end!

HUMOR TIMES

7

Electile Dysfunction

Battle Lines

The conventions are over...

Police departments need policing…

and it’s on to the finals. because institutional racism is rampant.

There’s plenty of blame to go around...

Now Americans must brace for the media blitz...

but surely changes need to be made.

in any way they can.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2016

Going for the Gold Things were heating up in Rio de Janeiro...

but the (very profitable) show must go on...

no matter how unpalatable.

One event was unscheduled...

quite controversial...

and pretty crappy, really.

Meanwhile, Phelps did his thing, making history...

September, 2016

and so did Simone Manuel.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

ISIS endorses Donald Trump In a political shocker, ISIS has endorsed the GOP presidential bid of former comedian Donald Trump.

The move is seen as a snub to the presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton, who many people are saying helped found ISIS alongside current President Barack Obama.

In explaining their decision, ISIS cited the reasons behind their sudden support for Trump; such as a shared medieval interpretation of Islam and the desire to destabilize and inflict maximum harm upon western society.

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi made a rare appearance in a YouTube video to make the endorsement.

“He speaks his mind, and we really appreciate that,” said al-Baghdadi. “It really goes a long way to have a figurehead of one of the two major U.S. parties working so diligently to alienate the members of the population we wish to radicalize.

With Obama and Clinton it’s like pulling teeth. We just can’t get them to do us the decency of legitimizing our message by calling us Islamic extremists!”

Reported by StubhillNews

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.”

(Ed: Subscribe on page 3, if you can handle it. And please give subscriptions responsibly!)

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Hillary Clinton Threatens Donald Trump with ‘First Amendment Retaliation’ NYC – Hillary Clinton responded to Donald Trump’s barely veiled “second amendment” assassination threat today by invoking “the full power of the First Amendment and its right to free speech.”

Hil lary Clinton, Don ald Trump, sec ond amendment, First Amendment The Democratic Party’s nominee explained at a press conference: “The entire world understood Mr Trump’s threat to democracy when he said that there were Second Amendment solutions to my presidency and any SCOTUS judges I might appoint.”

She con tin ued: “For tu nately the First Amendment is mightier than the Second. The pen is mightier than the sword! We need to First Amendment that murderous little creep before he and his KKK thugs get around to Second Amendmenting us! Because you know they’re just itching.”

Clinton held up a newspaper. “I therefore call on all my followers and friends to immediately and ruthlessly exercise their First Amendment rights of free speech and association to verbally murder, strangle, bomb, shoot, bump off, execute, assassinate and generally blow away the

stubby-fingered little SOB, and leave his political corpse rotting at the bottom of History’s smelliest dumpster!”

Hillary added: “Because if the men with guns take over this country, there will be no more First or any other amendments.

“And then as Chomsky says, goodbye to civilization, because the world will be looking at a new, stupid Hitler armed with nuclear missiles.”

Mrs Clinton wound up: “The one time it’s OK to shout ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater is when there’s a fire in a crowded theater.”

“FIRE!” Reported by Michael Egan

Trump’s Favorability Up On News of Demonic Possession Former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump’s polling performance among likely voters has taken surprising upswing.

The poll response comes on the heels of Trump unveiling a surprisingly softer tone at a rally yesterday.

“Don’t worry about race or religion, you’re all doomed and will cave to my power,” said Trump in blend of several voices. “To me you are but flesh, equally weak and in need of my intervention. There is no Donald, there is only Baal.”

Rival Christian Groups Use Prayer to Sway Election A new group of Hillary Clinton supporters has been formed called “Christians for Hillary.”

They have initiated a special campaign strategy to help Hillary win the election. They plan on purchasing television and radio time, flooding the internet, and putting full page ads in the major newspapers urging all Christians to stop whatever they are doing at exactly 9:00 pm every evening between now and the election and say the “Our Father.”

They figure this is the best way to defeat Trump, since millions will in unison be entreating God with a line from the prayer: “Deliver us from evil.”

A group spokesperson said that they realize there are time zone differences, but, since there is no time in eternity, it’s assumed this will not be a problem for God. As soon as Donald Trump got wind of the plan, he immediately tweeted his followers: “No one is to say the Our Father from now until the election.”

In the meantime, his subordinates quickly threw together a rival group, “Wealthy Christians for Trump,” and put out a manifesto reminding everyone that the American Christian ethic was based on the Calvinistic belief that a person’s wealth and success on this earth was

The Donald channels his inner Baal.

God’s way of demonstrating who were the Chosen. In line with this philosophy, they amended some of the beatitudes: Blessed are the one percent, for they have already inherited the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for profit, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are they who file for bankruptcy, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are they who mourn corporate taxes, for they shall be comforted.

The campaign staffers have told their supporters to expect an important announcement soon, as Donald Trump has some great ideas for amending the Ten Commandments.

Reported by Diane de Anda

Trump went on to completely abandon his harsh immigration stances.

“Building a wall and banning Muslim entry would mean less soldiers for my dark army,” said Trump. “We need to support our troops by bringing in more!”

According to political analyst and occult expert Rupert Giles, Trump was displaying classical signs of demonic possession.

“If confirmed, this would be the first candidate to suffer from demonic possession since Goldwater,” said Pope Barry Manilow II, a demonic possession hobbyist.

Even some of the more Christian conservatives were more accepting of the Baal-possessed Trump.

Baal Trump even received an endorsement from formal rival Ted Cruz.

“Hillary is pretty damn evil, and so was Trump,” said the Zodiac Killer. “But I think we can all agree that there is nothing on Baal’s public record that shows it is more evil than Hillary or Trump. I’m willing to hitch my wagon and see where this ride takes us.”

Reported by StubhillNews

Trump: ‘Jesus Was a Loser, He Got Caught’ Ripping the Headlines Today ‘I like saviors who weren’t captured,’ he shouts at campaign stop, to big cheers

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

As “The Donald” continues to barnstorm Re pub li can strat e gist, pop u larly known as around the coun try on his self-proclaimed “Bush’s brain” when he served in his cabinet.

“Greatest Tour on Earth,” “What did our beloved he keeps blurting out things Republican Party ever do to that are only hurting his de serve this?” he comcam paign for pres i dent. plained. “I mean, besides Today, Trump took on his courting bigots, religious fundamentalist fans’ bigzealots and gun nuts on the gest hero, Jesus Christ, sayfar right, and keeping them ing that he was a “loser” for ignorant and hyped up on get ting cap tured by the lies with Fox News and Romans.

Limbaugh all these years?”

“I like sav iors who Back at the rally, the weren’t captured,” Trump Great Orange One shouted, said, echo ing a for mer “Hell, I’m more popular statement he made about than Je sus,” mak ing the Senator John McCain, for Jesus, at a campaign stop, back in the day. same mistake John Lennon getting captured in Vietnam. made so many years ago.

“Like Buddha, Krishna, Odysseus, all the “Jesus was okay, I guess, but a guy in rags best savior types. They had enemies too, but who wanders the desert is not exactly hero mayou didn’t see them getting caught,” Trump bel- terial,” he said, oblivious as the applause died lowed to a surprising ovation. down, dumbfounded fans staring in disbelief.

“I would’ve been a much more successful “I mean, it’s cool that he partied with whores messiah than that low-energy Jesus. He was a and stuff, but giving away free food and wasting carpenter, supposedly, but you never saw him magic tricks on bums? C’mon, he coulda had a working; I’m a builder who tells carpenters decent living in one of my casinos, fer crisakes. what to do. My cross would have been pure Hey, where are you going?” Trump shouted as gold, and the only thing hanging on it would’ve the disillusioned crowd began shuffling out of been the most beautiful women — not in a bad the hall, grumbling quietly, heads hanging low. way, you know, but in a sexy way.”

“Well I don’t need you losers anyway, I alHillary Clinton’s numbers keep improving ways have my Taj Mahal!” he screamed, turnwith each gaffe by Trump, causing many to ing a deeper shade of orange. “Oh, yeah…” he wonder if he hasn’t been a Democratic plant all trailed off, remembering that that one went this time. bankrupt too.

“It’s too perfect,” said Karl Rove, longtime Reported by James Israel

By Paul Lander All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.

So, here are the headlines and my first thoughts:

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FDA approves OxyContin for children 11 &over Look for them to come in Pebbles, Fred, Betty, Bam-Bam, and Wilma Flintstones’ shapes.

Pornhub has been hacked, and you won’t believe what they found Donald Trump’s tax returns, where he’s screwing the IRS.

Ryan Lochte story of getting robbed in Rio made up Jeez, you just know Michael Phelps would have made up a better story… and faster.

Paul Manafort resigns as head Of Trump campaign Not surprisingly Trump dumped him for a younger campaign manager.

Happy 73rd birthday, Robert DiNiro Yes, I’m talking to you.

You see any one else around here who just turned 73?

Playboy Mansion sells for $100 million It’s an amazing property complete with dozens of trimmed bushes.

6 Notre Dame football players arrested overnight Friday on various charges Who do they think they are? Olympic swimmers?

Fox News reporter says Hillary and Obama are baiting Trump to say ‘stupid sh*t’ While Michelle’s been baiting Melania to repeat her stuff.

Clinton or Trump? Which candidate does the marijuana industry favor?

I guess they need someone to tell them because they keep forgetting the answer.

Kim Kardashian spotted in Mexico Build the wall now, Donald. Build the wall now.

Roger Ailes will be advising Trump before the presidential debates I guess they couldn’t get Bill Cosby.

Republican John Negroponte endorses Hillary Or, as he’s known by the politically correct, John African-Americanponte.

Bill Clinton turns 70 Making 70 the new 69.

HUMOR TIMES

Happy 50th anniversary, Beatle’s ‘Revolver’ Remember the only thing that can stop a good ‘Revolver’ tribute is a bad ‘Revolver’ tribute.

Read more of Paul Lander’s columns at humortimes.com.

September, 2016

Trumped Trump took exception to Khizr Khan’s assertion.

After all, it is clear that he’s given his all...

and has made the Gold Star dad a national icon.

He also denies making not-so-veiled threats...

and understands the need for protection.

The Party sent in its best and brightest...

and had to put Trump in a time out...

September, 2016

forcing a rebranding. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

13

Trumped (continued) He and Putin have become best buds...

though it’s hard to see the attraction...

or where it will go.

The Donald tried his (little) hand at a serious speech...

promising an extreme makeover.

He remains supremely confident...

saying he will ace every test...

14

and light up the GOP. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2016

Flood Trump insists he has a presidential temperament...

Louisiana endured an historic flood…

but his support is wavering.

but the media was somewhat distracted.

The debates are coming up...

The responders were the best...

and he’ll really have to motivate his base.

September, 2016

and now it’s time to respond to the root cause.

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown The Populist Insurgency is Ratcheting Up What an amazing Democratic primary season it was! And we now have this happy result: WE WON! “We” being the millions of young people, mad-as-hell work ing stiffs, in de pend ents, deep-rooted progressives, and other “outsiders” who felt The Be rn and forged a new, game-changing, populist force of, by, and for grass roots Amer i cans. True, this pro gressive-populist coalition did not win the White House on its first go ’round behind the feisty Sanders insurgency (which the the smug political establishment had literally laughed at when he began his run). But they are not laughing now, for even they can see the outsider revolt against the power elites won something even more momentous than the 2016 election: The future.

Back in April 2015, when the blunt, democratic socialist from Vermont issued a call for disenchanted voters to join him, not merely in a campaign for the presidency, but in a long-term movement to “revitalize American democracy

so that government works for all of us,” even his more optimistic backers couldn’t have dreamed the movement would come so far so quickly.

Let’s reflect on some fundamental changes this progressive uprising has achieved in the past 15 months: It yanked the national debate out of the hands of the Washington and corporate elites: both devoted for more than 30 years to rigging all the rules to further enrich the 1 percenters at the expense of everyone else — and proved that future success requires Democrats to abandon their effete namby-pambyism and embrace the vision, message, and issues of unabashed populism.

It re vived true bot tom-up cam paign ing through innovative social media outreach, the empowerment of hundreds of thousands of engaged supporters and volunteers, instantaneous mass communication via cell phones, and turning people out by turning them on: by finally addressing inequality head-on and proposing bold policies that appeal directly to the workaday majority’s interests.

It lifted: from the political scrap heap up to the top of our national discourse — the concerns of middle- and low-income families: creating good, middle-class jobs through a national program of infrastructure repair and development of the green economy; enacting a $15 minimum wage; removing crushing education debt from the backs of students; coping with the imminent crisis of climate change; repealing the Supreme Court’s democracy-destroying Citizens United edict; implementing pay equity for women; stopping the war machine’s constant adventurism; ex pand ing So cial Se cu rity; pro vid ing Medicare for all; halting the unjust mass incarceration of African Americans and Latinos; defunding the disastrous drug war; demilitarizing our police forces; replenishing our public treasury by taxing Wall Street speculators; and generally restoring economic fairness, social justice, and equal opportunity for all as central purposes of public policy.

It raised some $229 million in more than 8 million small donations (averaging only $27 each): including millions from low-income people who sent in $5 or even $1 thus debunking the myth that Democrats can only be competitive by joining Republicans in taking corrupting big

Not Sure If You’re Actually Having Sex? I Can Help!

When I stumbled upon evidence that the man I’d loved and trusted for 20 years had a secret girlfriend for the past 10 of those years, he tried to deny it.

“We never had sex!” he told me. And I believed him. For about two minutes.

“You never kissed?”

“We did kiss.”

“Did you hug and grope?”

“We did.”

“Did you take your clothes off?”

“Yes.” “Did you give each other orgasms?”

“Yes. But — we never fucked!”

If he’s to be believed (and maybe he’s not, since he’s clearly an accomplished liar) they had a secret love affair going for 10 years but they never once had good old-fashioned sexual intercourse.

I’ll admit that once Mike confessed that he and Maggie had done everything else, part of me thought, “If you’ve gone that far, why stop?

For goodness sakes, you’re already committing adultery. Why not go ahead and bonk?”

Deniability.

“This isn’t really sex!” they assured each other, and Mike, later, told me. “So what we’re doing isn’t wrong.”

Apparently, this is how a cheater thinks.

They phoned and flirted and texted and kissed and said “I love you” and made passionate furtive whoopee in hotel rooms, but they convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheat ing because “we didn’t have sex.”

Translation: We did everything two lovers can do. Except schtup.

And this isn’t sex??

On what planet?

When my friends learned about Mike and Maggie, many more than I’d have thought confided that their boyfriends, husbands and/or dads had played by the same rules. They had affairs that they justified as not really being affairs because there was no penis-into-vagina action.

Hell, even the President of the United States was on board. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

Yeah. Except for all the blow jobs.

There’s a reason they call it oral sex and not oral philosophy or oral sunshine, rainbows and moonbeams.

Clearly, we’ve got a linguistic problem here.

So? In the interest of better communication, I’d like to get a few definitions on the table.

If the two of you get a hotel room together?

ROZ WARREN

money from corporations and setting up “dark money” SuperPACs. More importantly, the Bernie movement created a hopeful, formidable and growing populist political channel that is both insistently democratic and independent of the Democratic Party.

This state-ba sed, na tional ne t work of Berniecrats will keep building its connections, pushing its agenda; and backing populist candidates in the House, Senate and other races this fall. Then, on to next year’s campaigns for mayor, city council, etc., which will be charged by the 20,000 Sanders supporters who have, according to Bernie, signed up to get info on runni ng. Then on t o t he 2018 m i d t er m congressional elections. And then to the 2020 presidential campaign. Onward!

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business!

You’re guilty. Even if you don’t enjoy penetration. Even if all of your clothes don’t come off.

Even if you only roll around and smooch and tell each other what special little snowflakes you are.

Even if the two of you are just sitting there together, fully clothed, reading the Bible.

You’re still having sex and you know it.

I’m calling that out. That’s sex. In fact, going forward, I’m calling it Mike-and-Maggie.

If you and another person are doing things that you know your partner wouldn’t be okay with?

That’s sex!

What kind of sex is it?

It’s M&M. All I know is that I’m never falling for a guy who’s into M&M again.

Roz Warren, rosalindwarren.com, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor. This piece first appeared on womensvoicesforchange.org.

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