“The history of the past is but one long struggle upward to equality.” – Elizabeth Cady Stanton Issue #296
October, 2016
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HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
Editor’s Rant False Equivalence Kills The media seem to love trying to equalize candidates, because a close race boosts their bottom line. CBS CEO Les Moonves said as much back in February, calling Donald Trump’s presence in the presidential race a “good thing” and saying, “It may not be good for America, but it’s damn good for CBS.” Because, after all, who cares about America? It is profits that these corporations are after, and it is in profits that they place their allegiance. For those of us who do care about our country, however, as well as about little things like freedom, equality, a healthy environment and our children’s future, we’d better wake up. There is no equivalence between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Ms Clinton has her faults, for sure. But, as Robert Reich, political commentator, professor, author and former Secretary of Labor under President Bill Clinton who also served under Presidents Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter, put it, “Trump is a dangerous, bigoted, narcissistic megalomaniac with fascist tendencies who could wreak huge damage on America and the world. Hillary isn’t perfect but she’s able and experienced. There is simply no comparison.” For those who have bought into the decades of hatred heaped upon Ms Clinton from the right, and figuring there must be something there since it’s gone on for so long, all I can say is, she’s either the greatest criminal of all time to avoid prosecution all these years, or it’s all unsubstantiated innuendo. As you might guess, I’m going with the latter. After all, no career criminal starts working with the poor and for women’s rights while she’s still in college and continues on that trajectory all her life. That’s just not how criminal minds work. Sure, she’s too quick to side with Wall Street and corporate America, and is too hawkish. But those are the worst things about her, and Trump would be 100x worse on both counts. Do the research yourself if you don’t believe me. (And please, if you must frequent the Alex Jones-type fantasy websites, at least balance that out with the reality-based sites, so you have a decent chance of coming up with an informed opinion.) Every single “scandal” Hillary Clinton been accused of has turned out to be just so much hot air. Congressional Republicans made careers out of hearings on Benghazi while doing nothing for the people, only to have report after report exonerate her. In fact, Republicans, if anyone, are to blame for the disaster, since they cut funding for defense of our foreign embassies. Look it up, it’s public record. The email “scandal” was another case of there being nothing there there. And as for the Clinton Foundation, it is a public, transparent organization, more efficient at actually doing what it says it does than most charitable foundations. The Clintons do not profit from it, that is verifiable fact. On the other hand, Mr Trump’s foundation is private and secretive, but it has become obvious that it’s basically a charity for the man himself – he’s spent a lot of the money on things like a life-size portrait of himself, and for bribing government officials to drop investigations of his fraudulent “Trump University,” which ripped of thousands of people, while giving them nothing useful in return. As for the idea that Donald Trump is for the “little guy,” his actions do not back up this claim. He has ripped off hundreds of people he hired to work for him, so often in fact, that it seems to be his method of operation. He is being sued by dozens of them, and many more dared not try, since his lawyers are very good at outlasting small business people, who can go bankrupt trying to pursue legal action in court. According to alternet.org, “The overall ugly picture that emerges goes far beyond Trump’s use of bankruptcy court, where debts can be forgiven or restructured depending on their category and type of federal bankruptcy filing. What’s most provocative about USA Today’s reporting, which goes beyond previous accounts of the same tactics or his mob connections, is how Trump has a longstanding pattern of ignoring his bills and walking away from debts owed contractors and employees.” If you’re actually considering voting for this sociopathic charlatan, ask yourself, do you really think he’ll use the power of the office of president to do anything other than what he’s done all his life, that is, enrich himself? Sure, the guy can be entertaining, and his legions of followers love his non-politician way of speaking. But actions speak louder than words. Look at his record. Donald Trump is for Donald Trump, and no one else.
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– James Israel, Editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 25, Issue 296, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2016. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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October, 2016
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HUMOR TIMES
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Desperately Seeking Office Hillary knows how to defend herself...
but is caught in a dangerous vortex.
She’s accused of a pay-to-play scheme...
but says it’s all been done before...
and that she was merely following others’ examples.
but she insists it’s really nothing...
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Her health is now in question...
and that she’s getting right back to work. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
Over There Meanwhile, the email scandal refuses to die…
Syria’s neighbors aren’t much help…
and Democrats are worried. and neither are we.
They’re remaining vigilant... North Korea’s Kim Jong-il sees himself in Trump...
and trying to stay positive. but can show him a thing or two about discipline.
October, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
5
Crash & Burn & Repeat We might as well be watching a 30-car pile-up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles, but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18-wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western slope of the Andes. This is a race to rock-bottom to see which team ends up least wrecked and right now they’re both jostling for pole position. Everybody is losing paint riding into each other while running over rocky roads gouged by their own staffs. Must be why they call them pit crews. You’ve heard the term “Accident waiting to happen?” Well the opposite is “accident waiting for a break in the action.” The two most polarizing drivers in the history of American politics have veered into so many walls, both their nicknames could be Crash. Recently the Donald and the Hillary pulled into the paddock to attack their opponent’s foreign policies. Which has come as a shock to the majority of spectators who were unaware either had a foreign policy that didn’t consist on calling in air strikes on the other’s campaign. And tire irons swung at their fuel lines. Now we’re getting to the point in this short track race where driver fatigue kicks in, and the unforced errors have begun to accumulate. Hillary Clinton said she was wrong to call half of Trump’s supporters a “basket of deplorables.” And she was wrong. It’s more like 63%. Donald Trump used the Mexican president as a prop, then gave an immigration speech that spurred most of his Hispanic advisory board to resign. Although to be honest, Trump Hispanic
Advisory Board sounds like Democratic Leadership Council. Trump also praised Vladimir Putin for being a strong leader with an 84% approval rating. Would be higher, but the KGB hasn’t been able to track down the other 16%. Yet. Even the Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, got in trouble for not know what Aleppo was. Presumably he was thinking a small leopard or someone suffering from the initial stages of Hansen’s Disease. Time is running out for all the major candidates to grab some clean air. Hillary needs to prove she’s not a robotic automaton who will do or say anything to get elected. And she intends to do that as soon as she installs a larger hard drive & updates her operating system. Pneumonia, right. Trump knows he needs to assure the electorate he’s more than some spoiled rich guy whose diplomatic horsepower is measured in arrogant smirks; he’s even gone so far as to hire a female campaign manager to smirk for him. The good news is the finish line is only two months away. The bad news is one of these lug nuts is going to take the checkered flag. The upside being, on November 8th, our long national nightmare will be over. Until November 9th, when the funny car race for 2020 begins. Gentlemen and ladies, prepare to start your engines. Assembling Trump’s Dream Team Any politician angling to be president has to appear believable while wearing many hats. The electorate needs to imagine him/her in a pith helmet to lead us through the jungle. A hard hat to connect to blue collar voters. A top hat to conduct formal diplomatic negotiations. A deerstalker to sift through the intrigue. And a toque to cook up some fun. Even a branded baseball cap to protect his hair from whipping
WILL DURST
to the heavens like a sentient shrubbery signaling a secret society of Navajo fringe talkers has a certain appeal. Apparently. Of course Donald Trump is no ordinary candidate. As can be verified by recent attempts to appear statesmanlike, which are so all over the map, his staff should be CCing Rand McNally with daily briefings from the expanding duchy of Trumpistan. First, he refuses to back down from anything he’s ever said or done, then issues a blanket apology to whomever for whatever, whenever. Following that he jettisoned a campaign manager he never paid attention to, before hiring an entirely different ministry of folks to totally ignore. Now the GOP nominee’s position on undocumented immigrants either has changed or hasn’t, and in the space of a week, he described it as both a softening and a hardening. So he’s got his rigidity spectrum pretty well covered. The new management team seems to be turning their crabby coif almost, kind of, sort of, semi-reasonable. But even the creamiest, fluffiest, down-filled Donald Trump could still poke huge holes in democracy without swinging his elbows extra wide. The Commander-in-Chief commands. Chiefly. Plotting not just the direction of the Ship of State but also wielding responsibility for staffing all positions including the helm, the hold and who gets to clean out the head. Chris Christie. With victory comes the spoils, and that includes choosing a cabinet, judges and over 300 other appointments that don’t require Senate approval, including commission directors, council mem bers, na tional park ea gle wran glers, roller coaster rail grease inspectors, swan boat concession sommeliers and shoeshine kiosk employees at the New York Port Authority. Chris Christie. And without any experience in the public sector for us to ascertain previous proclivities, we’re forced to make educated guesses as to whom a President Trump might or might not pick for certain positions based solely on evidence observed thus far. So, let’s give it a go, shall we? The Trumpean Dream Team Attorney General: Gary Busey. CIA Director: Rudy Giuliani. Secretary of Edumacation: Sarah Palin. Postmaster General: Scott Baio. Secretary of Defense: Buford T. Justice. Surgeon General: Hannibal Lechter. Secretary of State: Vladimir Putin. Supreme Court Justice: Judge Judy. Secretary of Agriculture: Tommy Chong. Environmental Protection Agency: Darren Woods: President of Mobil- Exxon. Secretary of Interior: Arsenio Hall. Ambassador to the United Nations: Dennis Rodman. Secretary of Health and Human Services: Martin Shkreli. Chief of Protocol: Ozzy Osbourne. Secretary of Labor: Mike Tyson. Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Melania Trump. Secretary of Transportation: That old guy from Duck Dynasty. Secretary of Treasury: Scrooge McDuck. White House Chef: Ronald McDonald. Federal Communications Commission Chairman: Roger Ailes. Executive Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Carl Icahn. Homeland Security: Ann Coulter. Chief Scientist for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration: Ben Carson. Federal Deputy Northeast Regional Bridge Inspector: Chris Christie. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future appearances such as his one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”
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HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
Media Follies The corporate-owned media loves to dig deep...
and will buy into stories that sell.
Matt Lauer leads the way...
with his universal appeal.
Fox News has cemented its brand...
but is now under fire...
and owes more than an apology.
October, 2016
Meanwhile, the former Fox CEO has moved on.
HUMOR TIMES
7
Economic Dysfunction
Electile Dysfunction
Wells Fargo got creative‌
It’s a violent sport...
and int'l corporations are attracted to easy money.
and health can be an issue.
The homeless problem is only getting worse...
Who knows where all this is going?
and yet another government shutdown is looming. It could be surprising.
8
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
On the Offensive
Overheated
The football season couldn’t start soon enough‌
Things are heating up...
but a SF 49er just had to start something...
and many dream of getting out...
that others could not.
but it may not matter.
Meanwhile, Lochte stayed in the news.
October, 2016
Back on earth, many call themselves nature lovers.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Trump: ‘I Screw American Small Businesses So Mexicans Can’t’ WASHINGTON – Earlier today, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump declared he routinely breached contracts with American small businesses and refused to pay them so Mexicans could not do the same. “I always break contracts with American small businesses and refuse to pay
them what I agreed to pay them. Better for me to rob and defraud my fellow Americans than some Mexicans,” announced Trump at a campaign rally. Trump continued, “A lot of people are saying American small businesses prefer to be conned by an American rather than by a Mexican. All of the small businesses I’ve worked with say the same thing.” “I don’t know what people expect from me. A con’s gotta con, and I am too special to pay for services small businesses provide me,” explained the GOP presidential nominee. An unidentified member of the press asked Trump if he applied the same rules to taxes, and wondered aloud if that was why his tax returns were being withheld. “The IRS prefers to be stiffed by American taxpayers over Mexican taxpayers,” replied Trump.? Reported by Alexander Vosh, The Nil Admirari
Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed: Subscribe on page 3, if you can handle it. And please give subscriptions responsibly!)
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Sauron Endorses Donald Trump for President Trump refuses to disavow the Dark Lord’s support, stirring controversy MORDOR – Sauron, the fallen Maia best known for engulfing Middle-Earth in two apocalyptic wars, has endorsed real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump for president of the United States. This comes as to shock to those who thought that Sauron was destroyed at the end of the Third Age. Though Sauron’s power greatly diminished after the destruction of The One Ring, a fragment of his broken spirit has endured for millennia, and still lurks be neath the ru ins of Barad-dûr (present-day Gadsden, Alabama). The Dark Lord is currently not powerful enough to assume a physical form, but still has the presence of mind to follow the U.S. elections. “Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fulfill my vision for the future,” Sauron said Saturday night in an omnipresent, ethereal whisper. “Just as I spread darkness and suffering across Middle-Earth, so shall Trump bring darkness to Middle America.” In many ways, Trump is a natural choice for Sauron. During his tenure as the Dark Lord of Mordor, Sauron enacted or supported numerous controversial policies, including the expansion of torture, the murder of Rohirrim families, and the deportation of 12 million dwarves.
When asked about Sauron on NBC’s Meet the Press, Trump seemed hesitant to distance himself from the evil necromancer. “I don’t
think the American people want me to dismiss every Dark Lord before I have a chance to learn more about them,” said Trump. “I just don’t know much about Sauron or his dark legion of orcs, trolls and Nazgûl; I need more research.” Trump’s refusal to disavow Sauron’s support has sparked a huge backlash from pundits. But Trump took to Twitter, saying: “Definitely not a follower of Sauron. The palantír in Trump Tower lobby is for decoration only – not for communicating with dark lords!” By TJ Carter, reelnewsnetwork.com.
Breaking: Donald Trump to Dump Melania, Hold ‘First Lady Pageant’ He turns “Dump Trump” campaign into a “Dump Melania” campaign, after her immigration documents were found to be falsified. Just as Trump released more invective from the fictional world he continually creates, accusing Huma Abedin of being a security risk because of her sexting hus band, a se cu rity bombshell has gone off in his own campaign. While doing background checks, the CIA discovered shocking information about Melania Trump. Her birth certificate and all the documents used to acquire her immigration papers are forgeries, they say. The CIA has unearthed her true birth certificate and concluded that she was actually born in Russia. The investigation is ongoing, as the agency checks out rumors that Melania is a second cousin of Vladimir Putin. Needless to say, this has thrown the Trump campaign into panic mode. Trump immediately tweeted that he was seeking an annulment, invoking his prenuptial agreement, and cited her as further proof that “you can’t trust immigrants.” Ever ready to spin, twist, or do whatever is necessary to win, Trump announced that this
She may not be able to keep that ring for long.
was going to open up “a historic opportunity for the women of America.” If elected, he will hold a Miss First Lady Pageant, open to all U.S. born females ages 21 to 35. Further rules will be announced at a press conference, but preliminary qualifications include a D cup and the ability to give a speech without plagiarizing. Reported by Diane de Anda
Trump Announces ‘Doctor’ Tour NEW YORK – After a wildly successful appearance on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his ext r aor di nar y heal t h, Don al d Tr um p has announced that he plans to visit many more distinguished “doctors” in the coming weeks. With these various self-proclaimed doctors, Trump said he will discuss a wide range of topics relevant to the presidential race, including: Dr. Phil – to whom he will present a letter from his psychiatrist certifying that he is unquestionably the sanest man on the planet. Dr. Dre – where he will rap about how down he is with the blacks. Dr. Who – to discuss plans to order NASA to build a Trump Tower on Mars.
The Donald with the Wizard Doctor Oz.
Dr. J – to reveal his proposal to replace illegal waterboarding with “extreme dunking.” Dr. Seuss – to share how he will steal Ramadan. Dr. Huxtable – where they will swap stories of their favorite sexcapades. Dr. Strangelove – to announce a list of countries he will nuke on “Day One” of his presidency. Doc Severinsen – to toot his own horn. Dr. Pepper – for a lunchtime chow down of KFC and Dr. P. himself. Doctor Evil – to consult on methods for achieving world domination. Dr. Doolittle – with whom he will share his secret plan to “Do-little” as president. Mr. Trump added that this “DocTour,” as he called it, “will cement my standing as the most knowledgeable, well-rounded, steaming hunk of junk in the universe.” He went on to say that Hillary Clinton would be lucky to get a ticket to a Dr. John concert, much less get the ear of any of the country’s most prominent physicians like he can. “Such a sick loser,” he closed with a grin. Reported by Rick Blum
Bill Maher Says He’ll Give Up Pot If Trump Wins
Ripping the Headlines Today
‘It’s just too sobering a thought,’ says the political comic, still lighting up, for now
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
“Real Time” host Bill Maher, an outspoken “Did you know,” he said at last, “that advocate of pot legalization, said last night that Kellyanne Conway just admitted Trump perif Don al d Tr um p i s forms better in polls elected president he will where no human beings give up smoking what he are involved? She’s actucalls “the divine weed.” ally proud of that, a hu“Trump in the Oval man being not talking to Office would be like Dr another human being in Strangelove, only the an opinion poll. Because mad general wins,” the they might be ashamed popular TV satirist said. to admit they like Trump. “Ev ery time I think “Does n’t she know abou t it I g r o w that Trump actually buys stone-cold sober no mathis own books and that ter what I’m smoking.” he hires actors to swell He added: “Here, try his crowds? Do you Bill Maher, still lighting up, for now. a hit of this.” think that he or the adorMr Maher said that he hoped all of America’s ing Ivanka might just hop online one night and “secret pot smokers” would get out and vote boost Daddy’s polls? Nah.” against Trump November 8. Maher explained that “it has become socially “If you value your weed,” he said, exhaling desirable in red states like Texas to say that slowly, “and I know you do, you better make you’re gonna vote for Donald Trump. But a lot sure that lu natic con trol freak doesn’t get of people secretly plan to vote against him. A elected. Even just as a nominee he makes my big part of the ant-Trump vote comprised the bong boggle.” same white, working-class folk supposedly his “I have no idea what that means,” he added bedrock supporters.” with a giggle. “But with The Donald, they know it’s the reAfter a moment, Maher said that he believed turn of Pot Prohibition and they don’t want that. there was a “secret anti-Trump vote” in southern Nobody wants that, apart from the DEA and the states like Texas because people were afraid to pharmaceutical industry.” publicly admit that they’re beginning to see Maher ended by describing all the “so-called what a loony Trump really is. secret polls” as “just smoke and mirrors.” “The hidden anti-Trump vote in this country “Mainly smoke,” he coughed, patting his is a very significant proposition,” he said, mo- pockets for a lighter. “Mainly smoke.” mentarily closing his eyes, deep in thought. Reported by Michael Egan
By Paul Lander All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
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73 arrested after police raid Amish party in Ohio field Seems they were partying like it was 1699. Is Roger Ailes going to war with New York Magazine? It would be way more likely for him to harass Working Woman Magazine. Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson asked, ‘What is Aleppo?’ Unfortunately, it was to Joe Scarborough and not Alex Trebek. Minn. Dems sue to get Trump off state ballot Look for Trump to propose building a wall around Minnesota & have Al Franken pay for it. Park Rangers in Santa Monica Mountains ask hikers to be aware of tarantula mating season And play some Barry White on their iPods.
How exactly did lightning kill 323 reindeer in Norway? I’m more in ter ested in who brought the 200 gallons of A 1 sauce. Former models for Trump’s modeling agency say they violated immigration rules, worked illegally Melania: Shut up, at least you didn’t have to marry him. Geraldo Rivera ‘filled with regret” for defending Roger Ailes Some people find his statement of regret as empty as Al Capone’s vault. Matt Lauer gets grief for his performance on NBC’s Presidential Forum The next time they do ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer’ nobody is going to go look for him.
Bags of cocaine worth $56 million are found at Coca-Cola factory in France That’s why each can comes with a straw.
Gretchen Carlson gets 20 million dollar sexual harassment settlement So, FOX got what Ailes asked for, she screwed them but good.
Trump camp says Larry King tricked him into appearing on Russian owned RT news network So, in other words, he now thinks King was Putin him on.
Taylor Swift, Tom Hiddleston have broken up after months of annoying everybody Now on to annoying everyone all over again with a Taylor Swift single about the breakup.
HUMOR TIMES
Read more of Paul Lander’s columns at humortimes.com.
October, 2016
The Great Orange One Trump has access to the best intelligence...
and says all is fair in war and campaigning.
He knows all the best people...
and is softening his stance on immigration.
and insists he loves everybody.
He’s made his stance clear...
He says his policies will make America great again...
October, 2016
and that he listens to constructive criticism. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
13
The Great Orange One (continued) Trump is reaching out to blacks...
but they remember.
He’s trying to appear more presidential...
even making a trip to Mexico.
Trump is looking to change things up...
and says he’s well-practiced at debating.
He insists he’ll ace foreign affairs...
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and has produced a glowing health report. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
Hillary dared to make a disparaging comment...
but Trump considers his deplorables quite adorable.
Matt Lauer helped put him on equal footing with Hillary...
as he was caught making improper advances.
but his own words may have indicted him...
His foundation uses others’ money to benefit himself...
and there’s a lot that remains hidden.
October, 2016
But Trump says what he means... he says.
HUMOR TIMES
15
Parting Shots: Health Scare The Zika virus seems to be taking off...
while Congress sleeps...
leaving everyone to wonder why.
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The Epipen is crucial for many...
so a private company decided to leverage the situation...
and did what any red-blooded profit-seeker would do...
corner the market.
Meanwhile, the sugar lobby was caught bribing scientists.
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
The Hightower Lowdown What Can You Possibly Buy for 47 Cents These Days? Although most of us take it for granted, America’s postal service is an amazing bargain. For only 47 cents, you can purchase a “Forever” postage stamp. Buy one 47-cent stamp, and postal workers will deliver your envelope to any address in the country by plane, train, bus, boat, truck, car, bike, pushcart, mule, on-foot or all of the above. Stick it on a letter, document or other missive, and our phenomenal network of postal workers and letter carriers will deliver it within a few days right to the specific mailbox of your addressee in any of the approximately 43,000 zip codes covering every nook and cranny of this vast country. For 47 cents! Also, that “Forever” stamp from our public postal service means it’s good for first-class delivery next year, next decade or forever — protecting you from future increases in stamp prices. What a deal! But to really get your money’s worth, mail something to someone in this zip code: 48222. That’s the only floating zip code in the U.S.
It’s a 45-foot mail boat that has been a registered U.S. Post Office since 1948. Named the J.W. Westcott II, this postal boat is the mail box for crew members working aboard the giant freighters hauling grain, iron ore and other commodities across the five great lakes. Except for loading at one port, then unloading hundreds of miles away, these long-haul merchant ships never stop, with crews stuck on board for weeks. So the Westcott, based near Detroit, chugs out to deliver letters and packages as each of the freighters passes by. The skilled pilots of the mail boat maneuver it right up against a steep steel side of the moving freight vessels, keeping perfect pace with the big ships’ speed. Then, in a very low-tech (but highly-efficient) de liv ery tech nique, some one on the freighter lowers a bucket tied to a rope down to the Westcott. The mail boat pilot puts a bag of letters and packages addressed to people on that ship into the bucket, which is pulled back up, and then the little boat peels away from the
freighter. Now that’s service! The official motto of the 48222 zip code is “mail by the pail.” It’s all part of our public Post Office’s amazing commitment to deliver service to a ll — not j us t to the ri c h an d t he easy-to-reach. But look out, for a deal-breaker looms over your post office. A cabal of corporate predators and Koch-headed ideologues have been scheming for years to take “public” out of this public agency and strip “service” out of the U.S. Postal Service. The most effec tive ploy of these price-gouging privatizers has been a diabolical Big Lie — a massive PR hoax to depict this essential public service as a hopeless money loser, sucking billions from taxpayers every year. Unfortunately, our lazy media establishment keeps spreading their lie. Here’s an August New York Times article falsely asserting that “the Postal Service has sunk deeper underwater — net losses for the second quarter of 2016 were $2 billion.” Bovine excrement! In fact, our Post Offices earned $1.3 billion in profit so far this year, making this year the fourth straight that it has operated in the black. The discrepancy stems
JIM HIGHTOWER
from phony paper losses manufactured by corporate lobby ists and right-wing lawmakers who’ve insisted since 2006 that the Postal Service must prefund retiree health benefits for 75 years in the future. No other agency and no corporation operates under this absurd and totally unnecessary burden, which adds billions of dollars in fictional costs to the agency’s balance sheet. Here’s another reality the sloppy corporate media ignores: Our postal network costs taxpayers zero, for we consumers finance its operations by purchasing those stamps and other services. It’s time to put a Forever stamp on this public jewel.
Miscellaneous Mischief
October, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
17
More Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2016
October, 2016
HUMOR TIMES
19
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