Humor Times, Jan. 2017

“A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims... but accomplices” – George Orwell Issue #298

January 2017

The News, Cartoon Style!

Formerly the Comic Press News

®

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Get the New Humor Times App! (More info inside)

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400

OMNETWORKS

2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

A Complete Internet Solution

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 2

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

Editor’s Letter

Holidaze

Get the Brand-Spanking New FREE Humor Times App! Yes, the Humor Times now has an app for Android devices! (We’re working on an iOS version for iPhones and iPads, as well as other brands, coming soon.)

Be the first on your block to get one! It’s basically a way to experience the same news stories as you see in this magazine, only in digital format. It’s also just an excerpt.

So, once a week, we’ll present a short “news story” via editorial cartoons, with a running narrative, just like you’ve been enjoying here in the Humor Times magazine.

It’s not as good as getting the whole magazine, but it is a fun way to share our unique brand of funny, yet hard-hitting news with others.

It’s available now at the Google Play store online, just search for “Humor Times: The News in Cartoons.” It’s free, very lightweight, with ads, and will have a new “edition” once a week or so. At some point, we will be rolling out a paid, ad-free version that will come out more often.

Please install it today, and share it with others on social media. Help us go viral with it! And please give it a good rating and a nice review in the Google Play store!

2016 was a rough year…

There is Still Time to Get $5 OFF on Subscriptions!

Discount Good thru Dec. 31st!

We hope you’ll help spread the fun by giving Humor Times subscriptions as gifts this holiday season. Your friends, co-workers and family will thank you, as they receive the gift every month in the mail, not just once like most gifts!

Any subscription ordered online by midnight on the 31st, or mailed with a postmark by Dec 31st, is eligible to receive this generous discount.

We need to increase our subscription rolls, and you’re in a position to help us do that. A gift and recommendation from you, a person who is familiar with the Humor Times, who can tell others how much you enjoy it, is the best way to spread the word about this publication.

Who do you know that enjoys political humor? Isn’t that just about everybody?

Most people don’t know we even exist, but would be happy to discover us. This magazine is quite unique, there are not many like it.

So, please, take pity on those without enough political humor in their lives, and give generously!

Thank you!

A limited selection of John’s pottery is now available at the

Artists’ Collaborative Gallery 129 K Street, in old Sacramento, CA (916) 444-7125 Open Daily 11-6

as Santa was well aware.

He did his best...

– James Israel, Editor

www.johnreigerpottery.com

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 26, Issue 298, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Michael Egan, John Glynn, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2017. No part may be reproduced without permission.

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 but could only deliver what was ordered.

ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $50.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $78.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

January, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

3

Not-So Lovable Losers Sure, Republicans gloated a bit...

after all, it was quite a turnaround.

Dems were understandably upset...

with the antiquated Electoral College, for one.

and to get away from it all.

It was time for some introspection...

There was a lot of pressure to change course...

4

but they feel safer with the familiar. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

Blind Spot It doesn’t seem to stop...

Republicans were in a magnanimous mood‌

because nobody stops it. but Dems were just depressed.

Racism is coming out of the shadows...

They had hoped for a miracle...

but now have to face reality.

January, 2017

so we had better stand up to it.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Presidential Apprentice & Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2016 Presidential Apprentice Two months before joining the government in an entry level position, President-elect Donald Trump has been learning the ropes and is busier than a bartender ten minutes before midnight at a Times Square Applebee’s on New Year’s Eve. A large amount of time was spent selecting a cabinet of deplorables from his basket of deplorables and making sure the two sons from his first marriage, Uday and Qusay had the proper security clearances and their safari trophies were expedited though customs.

He cleverly kept America’s enemies on their toes by refusing to commit to moving into the White House. Replacing a black family living in public housing would cause him to break out in hives and nobody wants an itchy beloved leader. Besides, Melania is reluctant to downsize.

Trump then advised people calling for a 3 state recount to “get over it.” Reminded it had taken him 7 ½ years to acknowledge Barack Obama was born in America, he invoked the classic, “do as I say, not as I do” doctrine, demonstrating a firm grip on the hypocritical handle necessary to wield a leadership baton.

The president-elect honed his diplomatic skills getting into a fight with both a Broadway musical and Saturday Night Live, leading folks to wonder how soon a Twitter war with Lady Gaga will break out.

But the majority of the future 45th President’s time was spent reneging on a slew of campaign promises. Who would have thought a New York City developer would welsh on a deal? Oh yeah. Everybody.

• He settled the lawsuit he “would never settle” against Trump University because nobody wants the presidency plagued by frivolous distractions. And there will be plenty of other lawsuits to be

frivolously distracted by.

• Trump now looks forward to getting advice from President Obama. Probably expects some problems with his Kenyan immigration policies.

• One of his major refrains was locking up Crooked Hillary.

Now he’s thanking her for her service to the country. Lock her up with hugs and kisses is what he meant.

• He will retain parts of Obama Care instead of getting rid of it on Day One like previously promised. It is thought his major complaint is Obama’s name on the bill and as soon as the country starts referring to it as Trump Care, he’ll be fine with it.

• That whole imposing a Muslim ban thing? No. No. No. He’s imposing a muslin ban. No more imported loosely woven cotton fabric. In addition we’re going to keep out those nasty Vicuna coats from Peru as well.

An end to sanctuary cities? Yes. Definitely. Bird sanctuary cities.

• Going to impose tariffs on Chinese gods not goods. The Eight Immortals can remain eternal but they’re going to have to do it on Chinese shores.

• Bomb ISIS. What he meant to say is the Egyptian goddess Isis is the bomb.

• Getting rid of NAFTA? No, he’s going to get rid of naphtha and switch to the much more economical liquid gas to heat all his resort swimming pools.

• And building a wall — a simple misunderstanding. He’s going to build a mall. And get Ross Dress for Less to pay for it.

• Huge tax cuts for the rich because god knows the rich need more money. Yeah. That one he’s going to keep.

Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2016

WILL DURST

It’s the first week of December and all over the nation children dance while grandparents twitch with anticipation. Which, admittedly, isn’t that out of the ordinary. During this festive season rife with traditions, none is more hallowed than that magical moment when the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the year are unveiled.

Truly this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Please be advised that the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2016 are not in any way, shape or form to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2016. No. No. No. They are as different as cute kitten videos are from stainless steel collar stays. Petroleum jelly and the cobblestones outside 10 Downing Street. Corn chowder and Michelangelo’s David. Trope and tripe.

Sure, the year was littered with serious misadventures involving terrorism, deadly viruses, the Kardashians and all sorts of other natural disasters, including, but not limited to: Zika infested Oregon Militia Occupiers in driverless cars being forced to platform dive into Flint, Michigan tap water while Ryan Lochte threw Brazilian gas station bathroom keys at them. But here at Durstco we try to concentrate more on the lighter side of the vast dark spooky chasms of reality.

So here they are, the stories from the first eleven-twelfths of 2016 that most lent themselves to the humorous, amusing and comedic.

10. Fidel Castro finally dies but at least was able to hang around long enough to see the beginning of the end of American Democracy.

9. The GOP Primaries, an eight- month long circus that featured 16 different novelty acts pummeled into submission by a lion tamer who used whips and chains and insults variously questioning their energy, heritage, wife’s attractiveness and size of their genitals.

8. Brexit. Turns out most Brits consider “xenophobe” to be a musical instrument.

7. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series, which by many has been taken as a sign that the end of the world is near. Some historians claim Nostradamus predicted this would immediately precede the Apocalypse.

6. Bob Dylan wins Nobel Prize for Literature. And next year, Stockholm is going to give the Peace Prize to Paris Hilton for her delightful tweets.

5. Me la nia Trump’s GOP Convention speech. Every time Michele Obama talks now, the world waits for Melania’s spin on it.

4. Hillary Clinton’s email problems. Claimed she was only fol low ing pre ce dents set by other Secretary of States. And she’s right. In 1790, Thomas Jefferson had server problems as well. The difference was- Jefferson’s server was pregnant.

3. Bernie Sanders. Who almost beat Hillary Clinton and came close to debating Donald Trump. Would have been fun to see the Vermont Senator chew up the New York Real Estate Developer but then be forced to spit him out to due to religious dietary laws.

2. The Galaxy Note 7, which was promoted as being water resistant. What they didn’t bother to mention was that underwater was the safest place to use the thing.

1. Donald Trump. Bombastic, brutish, boorish, blustering, barbarous, bungling bully wins US Presidential election with a little help from his friends: the FBI, Vladimir Putin, Wikileaks, the mob, fake news sites, Anthony Wiener, Bill Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, white supremacists and Alec Baldwin.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future ap pear ances such as hi s one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

6

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

CEO of the World A lot of people were very surprised...

but Trump was reassuring...

promising to make smart investments for us.

It was quite ironic, really...

It seemed like total doom, even, to many...

in a very frightening way.

as a solid majority of voters prayed for a miracle...

January, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

that was not to come. (continued)

7

CEO of the World (continued) White nationalists (so-called “alt-right�) howled in delight...

having direct access to the president for the first time ever...

and ready to make the White House their own.

Trump immediately set to reneging on yet another promise...

seemingly picking the worst cabinet he possibly could...

and leaving key agencies in the lurch.

and implemented a strict criteria. (continued)

He worked to please his constituency...

8

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

Trump has some “yuuuge” conflicts of interest...

He says he can handle any international crisis...

but he doesn’t see it that way.

and that he can’t get away from his investments, anyway.

saying they charge too much.

He didn’t like Boeing’s Air Force One...

His famously short attention span...

January, 2017

could be a problem as prez. (conclusion on page 13)

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Uncle Sam Dying America, the world’s oldest democracy, announced via Uncle Sam today that it was too old and weak to defend itself any longer.

“Can’t do it any more, I’m afraid,” the old fella gasped. “Trump, Paul Ryan and the Republicans in Congress are just too much for me. I doubt I’ll make it past 2020.”

“Uncle Sam,” as he is affectionately known, was born in 1776, but since the end of World War II has aged rapidly.

Ex perts who have learned from the past and do not wish to relive it, say his condition is “a sickness unto death.”

Coughing, the old codger spelled out the chief threats to his ex is tence.

Nearby, the Statue of Liberty, his companion for many years, sobbed quietly.

“Above all, Donald J.Trump,” he said, lifting a bony forefinger. “The banality of evil, the essence of ignorance, the blackest hole in a cosmos of darkness and stupidity!

“I can’t survive that,” he said. “No democracy can, nor ever has.”

Uncle Sam coughed violently. “For years I thought the Constitution would protect me. And it did, for over 200 years, even after the Civil War and Lincoln’s assassination.

“But finally the fascists figured it out.

Fix the vote. Gerrymander the districts.

Buy off the politicians. Keep liberals and centrists off the Supreme and other courts. Then, whatever you do is legal.

“I call it Democratic Fascism,” he said.

Trembling, one of the world’s most beloved historical figures turned his face to the wall, perhaps for the final time.

“Did you know” he said faintly, “that I was once thought of as humanity’s last, best hope? Who will speak for freedom now?”

A deep cry came from the Statue of Liberty. Her torch went out.

Reported by Michael Egan.

In a surprise address today, President-elect Donald Trump reflected on the many outstanding women whose courage, vision and ‘keen fashion sense’ have helped shape our great nation.

Susan B. Anthony: She led the women’s suffrage move ment in the early 1900s and there is a dollar coin with her face on it.

I’ve never seen a photo of her smil ing. She should have smiled more. If she had, the US Mint would be spitting thousands of these coins out every minute. Total lost opportunity.

Eleanor Roosevelt: Thank God this former First Lady had smarts because let’s face it: she was no prize in the looks department. She was married to a guy in a wheelchair, so I think she should get some credit for that.

Sally Ride: She was the first American woman in space. In some photos, she’s actually kind of cute, but in most of them, she looks like the kind of woman who’d be changing oil at Jiffy Lube, if you know what I mean. Not my personal taste.

Maya Angelou: One of the great women poets and writers. Or so I’m told. I never read any

of her stuff. Too many stanzas.

Gloria Steinem: A feminist and activist who back in the day, was smoking hot. I think being hot should disqualify someone from being a feminist, in all honesty. But considering that she’s not so hot anymore, I think she can reclaim the title.

Rosa Parks: As the mother of the civil rights movement, Rosa Parks is regarded as a hero for not giving up her seat on a bus.

I like heroes who actually DO things.

Amelia Earhart: If I had been alive in the 1920s and 1930s, I definitely would have dated her. She had striking features, even if she didn’t play them up enough. I could have kept her from disappearing.

Hillary Clinton: Some might be surprised to see me honor the woman I demonized for a year.

But since she no longer poses a threat, I am able to speak fondly of her once again. Tragically, she will probably best be remembered not for her intellect, preparedness or experience, but for her failure to comprehend how very little these qualities mattered to the American people.

Reported by Eileen McVety.

Fake News Fer Sale! Git Yer Fake News Right Here! Hot Off The Fake Press!

Suddenly fake news stories are the ‘In Thing’ and do we have ’em here for you!

Get in on the lat est fad and power trip going — fake news stories! Amaze your friends! Ha rass your en e mies!

Embarrass your mom!

We have them for you here in all shapes and sizes. And all political, ethnic, social and gender variations.

Here are a few samples of verified, authentic fake news headlines for you to take a gander at: Trump Makes Law Declaring Himself Caesar Obama, After Leaving Presidency, to Gig as Stand-up Comic NRA Puts Out Wanted Poster for Elizabeth Warren Gi ant, Mutant Man-Eating Plant De vours Workers On Monsanto Farm Trump Takes Taiwan in as 51st State Just to

Piss Off Red Chinese!

Playboy Makes Exception in ‘No More Nudes’ Policy — Does Pictorial of Melania Trump Obamas Plan Move to Kenya, But Kenyan Authorities Don’t Believe He Was Born in Hawaii NRA Wants to Expand Freedoms to Include Owning Roadside Bombs Koch Bros Actually Fund Their Vast Business Empire Through Cartel Money Laundering Recovered Hillary Emails Contain Downloads of Naked Putin Photos

Be the first in your neighborhood to get an original fake news article. Simply chose from the selections above, send a PayPal amount of $50 for e a c h. Se nd wi sh li s t t o inyear25252001@yahoo.com and then wait for your surprise!

Guaranteed to not be of Russian origin!!!

Guaranteed to influence important American elections!!!

Now, your job is to figure out if this article itself is fake or not!

By Roger Freed, Gen u ine Fake News Correspondent.

According to Trump’s transition spokesperson, Kellyanne Conway, “This surprisingly short questionnaire serves a dual purpose: 1) to help immigration officials weed out bad Muslim visitors from good ones; and 2) to significantly shorten the vetting process.”

“Our immigration folks have no idea what they’re doing,” noted Trump delicately. “They waste so much time asking the wrong questions of Muslims who try to enter our country. The result is a lot of bad Muhammeds pouring in.

“It took me all of ten minutes to create this questionnaire. The vetting is still extreme but it’s also extremely efficient. It will revolutionize the immigration process.”

The form, shown in its entirety here, is expected to be implemented in early 2017.

12

Former purveyor of so-called ‘humorous’ fake news pieces sees error of its ways.

The Humor Times announced today that it will no longer be a leading publisher of “fake news,” and instead will do its level-best to fight what it now admits is a scourge on all forms of media. The sudden change seems to be a reaction to a rash of bad press fake news has gotten lately.

The Humor Times promises to stop using fake news as a political football, and to be more like truth-teller Sean Hannity of Fox News. Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Apparently, a lot of these fake news stories, originally meant as harmless fun, have been circulating through social media and confusing well-intentioned readers who didn’t know any better. This may have even caused the country to elect its first openly psychopathic president (although that in itself could just be fake news).

Even Fox News celebrity Sean Hannity, who, like the station he works for, has never uttered a falsehood in his life, has come out strongly against it.

The Humor Times has publicly admitted that their stories might confuse otherwise intelligent readers, and issued this statement today: “We greatly regret our involvement in fake news, and pledge to never joke around again.

We’re sure other purveyors of political humor will do the patriotic thing and follow our lead, including all other fake news websites and publications, blogs, podcasts, YouTube sites, and of course, TV show hosts like Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, etc.

“We at the Humor Times do not wish to be sued by our soon-to-be Dear Leader, the Glorious and Always Correct Mr Donald J Trump, so we promise to cease with these silly fake news articles about him. We will only say correct things, like the fact that Trump will be gold-plating the outside of the White House, his VP Mike Pence plans on having gay orgies in the basement, and Melania will be the first First Lady to pose for Playboy. But absolutely NO fake news.

You have our solemn promise.”

Reported by James Israel, Senior In All Seriousness Correspondent.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Extreme Vetting (EZ Form) 1. What is your name? ___ Muhammad ___ Other 2. What is your purpose for visiting the United States? ___ To study ___ For my job ___ To visit family ___ To blow shit up 3. How long will you be visiting the United States? ___ Less than a month ___ Less than a year ___ Until jihad has been committed 4. What will be your occupation/source of income while in the United States? ___ Terrorist ___ Cab driver ___ Other 5. What is your opinion of acts of terror? ___ I like them ___ They’re OK, I guess ___ I don’t like them ___ No opinion 6. How likely are you or someone you know to commit an act of terror? ___ Extremely likely ___ Somewhat likely ___ Somewhat unlikely ___ Extremely unlikely 7. What is your opinion of Sharia law? ___ I like it ___ It’s OK, I guess ___ I don’t like it ___ No opinion 8. How many terrorists do you personally know? ___ Less than 5 ___ 5 or more 9. Draw a face that best conveys how America makes you feel. (NOTE: Your drawing must include eyebrows and a mouth) 10. What do you think of beloved American TV actor Tom Hanks? ___ He seems like a nice guy ___ I like his movies ___ Infidel ---------------------------------------------------------------FOR DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY USE ONLY: DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE Recommended course of action (circle one): Non-admittance • Internment camp • Imprisonment • Admittance with ankle monitoring

Reported by Eileen McVety.

Humor Times Turns Over New Leaf: To Lead Fight Against Fake News

Ripping the Headlines Today

‘Extreme vetting’ can be ‘extremely efficient,’ says Trump

Photo by Phalinn Ooi, flickr (flag added).

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Trump: Surprise Tribute to Great American Women

Trump Unveils Extreme Vetting (EZ Form) for Muslims In an unusual move, President-elect Trump announced today that he had taken the bull by the horns in order to further his bold immigration agenda by creating what he calls an “Extreme Vetting (EZ Form).”

Headline News Section

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Gay Mike Pence doppelgänger is collecting money for LGBTQ causes Are we sure we’ve seen them at same place at same time?

People are upset about a black Santa in a mall in Minnesota There’s a black person in Minnesota?

Priebus: ‘RNC was not hacked’ Translation: Putin has his own password.

Happy 100th Birthday, Kirk Douglas That’s so long ago that when he made ‘Spartacus’ it was a contemporary film.

Trump: No Cabinet post for Rudy Giuliani Don’t worry, Rudy. There are plenty of job openings at Goldman Sachs.

Khloé Kardashian’s ‘Good American Jeans’ biggest denim launch in apparel history It’s no surprise that people find it easy to get into her pants.

Trump named Time ‘Person of the Year’ Even though Hillary got more votes.

Kasich to electors: Don’t vote for me So, he wants them to treat him just like primary voters did…

Starbucks sets five-year growth targets, to open 12,000 more stores Even quicker if they offer the construction wor ks un l i m i t ed Grande Lattes during construction.

Happy 55th birthday, Anne Coulter I n st ead of ‘ Happy Birthday’ will someone please play ‘Still Crazy after All These Years?’

The CIA concludes Russia worked to elect Trump Proving Trump even outsources his dirty tricks.

Alec Baldwin, Donald Trump have Twitter fight Someone needs to report it as a Twit on Twit crime.

Joe Biden says he may run for President in 2020 because ‘What the hell’ In fairness, it may be for Prez of Del Webb condo association.

Al Gore: I just had an ‘extremely interesting conversation’ about climate change with Trump No word if Ivanka sold him any jewelry.

Ben Carson named Secretary of HUD Or, as it’s now known HUH?

Read more of Paul Lander’s columns at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

CEO of the World (conclusion) Trump thinks that flag burning...

is totally unconstitutional.

He’s been tweeting up a storm...

but that’s just how he operates.

He dismisses concerns that Russia got him elected...

And now that the party has gotten behind him...

January, 2017

saying it’s a whole new era.

they’re all just waiting for the big day.

HUMOR TIMES

13

Faith-Based Economy

14

What Climate Change?

Trump’s supporters still believe in him‌

Trump will never condone the fibbers...

and are sure that he and the party will deliver.

come hell or high water.

Meanwhile, congressional Republicans can relax...

Repubs believe in their own science...

and get back to setting things right.

and in the fossil fuel industry that funds it.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

Fake News is Real We at HT call our satire stories on page 12 “fake news”...

but ours is obviously a joke, whereas real fake news is not.

Satire seeks to entertain while making a point...

whereas the other kind intentionally deceives.

Corporate media can’t seem to tell the difference...

and has become nothing but a tool.

and so may completely conform to his “standards.”

They’re worried Trump will pass them over altogether...

January, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

January, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

17

The Hightower Lowdown ALEC & the Koch Brothers Offer to Rewrite the Constitution When you think of America’s great Constitutional originators, names like Madison, Adams, Jefferson, Washington, Hamilton and Franklin come to mind. And, of course, Abbott.

This past January, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, the multimillionaire protege of the Koch brothers’ Plutocratic Kingdom and American Legislative Exchange Council darling, revealed to a startled nation that he has penned not one but NINE new amendments to the Constitution of the USA. Forget the Bill of Rights, Abbott is proposing a Bill of Sale, effectively transferring the title of our national government from The People to The Plutocrats. The upshot of his “tweaks” would be outlawing government actions that restrain corporate abuse of workers and consumers, while also preventing future Congresses from meeting crucial public needs such as health care, voter rights, and restoration of our national infrastructure.

One could call Abbott and his Founding Father pretentious and ludicrous — which both are — but he’s not the force behind this diabolical, ideological tampering with our Constitution and

our people’s ideals of fairness and justice.

ALEC, at the direction of the Kochs and their corporate cohorts, wrote this Bill of Sale.

Convening an explosive convention, permitted under Article V of the Constitution, is a longtime dream of those elites seeking an American Kochistan, and ALEC is spearheading a hodgepodge of right-wing groups that — believe it or not — are alarmingly close to succeeding. An ALEC/Koch affiliate with the cumbersome acronym of BBATF (Balanced Budget Amendment Task Force) came out of the Tea Party maelstrom in 2010 and is now aggressively pushing governors and state legislatures to endorse such an Article V convention.

At the convention, they would attempt to rewrite our nation’s fundamental governing document by adding a balanced budget amendment, along with Abbott’s other eight. Together these changes would enthrone the “moneyed corporations” that Jefferson and other founders abhorred as destroyers of America’s democratic possibilities.

Absurd? Of course. Even the late Phyllis Schlafly who was the head of the right-wing Ea-

gle Forum, called this push “a prescription for political chaos,” adding, “Alas, I don’t see any George Washingtons, James Madisons, Ben Franklins, or Alexander Hamiltons around who could do as good a job as the Founding Fathers, and I’m worried about the men who think they can.”

Well, ALEC and the Koch brothers sure do think they can. But their diabolical schemes don’t stop with Gov. Abbott and changing our constitution, they want to take over our country’s entire political system. Having already spent hundreds of millions of dollars to get their policy pushing puppets like Abbott into office, the Koch’s want to bend the will of the people as well. They recently started a new program that they call Grassroots Leadership Academy that gives how-to lessons in everything from mounting successful protest ac tions to recruiting middle-of-the-road voters.

Using Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals,” they are training thousands of people to become organizers and political activists. This so-called “grassroots” outfit has been set up by the gabillionaire Koch boys to train cadres of right-wing corporatists to spread their ideological laissez-fairydust across the land. The academy is run through Americans for Prosperity, Charlie’s and Davie’s political wing, which put

JIM HIGHTOWER

up $3 million to get it going. About 10,000 people have gone through some of the training sessions in three dozen states. The Koch brothers’ grandiose scheme is to take over the Republican Party and use it as their tool to rebuild America itself into a Kochlandia, ruled by the superrich.

The academy’s curriculum is loaded with such corporate nonsense as a course titled “The Moral Case for Fossil Fuels.” Attendees are indoctrinated with two overarching lessons: (1) freewheeling corporate power — unrestrained by la bor, en vi ron men tal or other pub lic protections — GOOD; (2) Social Security, unemployment benefits, and other social programs — BAAAAAAD! Koch Kollege for right-wing social engineers is peddling a status quo agenda of corporate elitism and trickle-down ideology, which the vast majority of Americans have openly rebelled against. It’s like trying to sell chicken salad made out of chicken manure.

Parting Shots: Fidel Meets His Maker Cubans have mixed feelings on Castro’s passing...

but the devil knows what to do with him.

His reign was one of a tyrant...

18

and let’s hope there’s not another like him.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2017

January, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

19

Out with the Old, In with the New a

Check out what’s new at a

Vic’s Ice Cream!

Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years.

Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks

Be the First on Your Block to Get the New Humor Times App: ‘The News in Cartoons!’

The brand, spanking new Humor Times app is now available, FREE, at the Google Play store via your device or on their website. Just search for Humor Times: ‘The News in Cartoons.’

It’s the FUN way to get your news!

It is only available for Android devices at this time, but we’re working on rolling out the iPhone, iPad and other versions soon.

Check out these images to get an idea of how the app looks. (They are from an older edition.)

The app basically presents an excerpt from the Humor Times magazine you hold in your hands (available in print or digital format all over the world), reviewing a recent news story in hilarious fashion!

Please share the new Humor Times: ‘The News in Cartoons!’ app widely on Facebook, Twitter, by email, etc!

Help us make it go viral! (You can share right from the app, or from the Google Play store – please give it a good rating while you’re there! – or share our webpage at: humortimes .com/humor-times-app-newscartoons.)

Thank you, and enjoy!

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here!

Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

EXPIRES DEC. 31st! To get the discount, use the form on page 3, noting “GiftHT.” Or order online at HumorTimes.com using “GiftHT” as the discount code.

A gift certificate will be sent in your name, if you wish.