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May 2017
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The Humor Times: Going Nuclear with the News
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
Editor’s Letter Hey, we gotta admit, having the Prima Donald in the White House has actually been good for the Humor Times – as it has for political satire shows and publications in general. People seem to gravitate toward humor to help deal with such a menacing scourge to our democracy as this administration. But truth be told, we’d gladly give up the extra attention we’re getting if we could just have a bit of sanity back in power in Washington. Things were in bad enough shape already, before the Mango Mussolini. We already had enough to deal with as a country and as a species before adding xenophobia, misogyny, bloated arrogance, willful ignorance and a gang of science-haters to the very pinnacle of American government. As the Angry Cheeto himself regularly tweets, “SAD!” Now we have to fight through a wall of ignorance (the only wall he’s had any success building) to even begin to get to the issues that really matter: climate change, pollution, racial and economic justice, education, alternative energy, jobs, etc. Although there seems to be a mountain of circumstantial evidence that the humantoupee hybrid and his election team colluded with Russia to swing the election, there apparently is no smoking gun, or at least not one that has been made public yet. But if there is one, our teetering democracy needs it to be revealed sooner than later, and we need to oust this pretender as soon as possible. But whether or not that happens, and if we can last that long, the majority that voted against Trump – plus all those who belatedly now see the error of their ways in voting for him – need to hunker down and vote the bums out come 2018, so that we can have a Congress that stands up to this delusional Tweeter-in-Chief.
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May, 2017
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!
HUMOR TIMES
3
The Not-So-Friendly Skies United runs a very efficient operation...
and is very accommodating.
They like to make sure every seat is filled...
so, you may get “re-accommodated.”
It’s not so bad, considering...
so be thankful you even got a chance.
Meanwhile, United’s corporate mentality...
4
fits right in with the way things are heading.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
New Sheriff in Town The old prez forgot more than the new prez knows...
but that does not concern The Donald...
Syria was nothing, because the Main Event is yet to come...
because he operates on a whole ’nuther level.
and it is going to be “YUUGE.”
Still, Trump needn’t worry.
In fact, it might be best to just invite the “gentleman” over.
May, 2017
After all, everyone knows who’s holding the loaded gun.
HUMOR TIMES
5
Covey of Caucuses During the TrumpCare Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle. The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self-identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of the Democratic process: forced to trudge the minefields of ego and weather the storms of unconscionable incompetence, those brave patriots that soldier on in relative obscurity as Congressional staffers. Way over on the other side is the Tuesday Group, moderate Republicans; which in the 60s were known as the Wednesday Group. Seriously. You got to wonder if there’s a 2nd Thursday in Months that Don’t Have an R in Them Group because if so, they haven’t been much of a factor lately. Most citizens aren’t aware of these special interest caucuses flying under the radar like sparrows through cable ducts, plotting and lobbying and exerting influence and stiffing caterers all over the greater DC Area. Complete with secret handshakes and hazing rituals. “Last one to raise 200 thousand by next Monday has to pay for the double tray of ‘Dogs in a Blanket.’” One of the nearly 200 official groups is the Mental Health Caucus ostensibly charged to study the multitude of mental health problems plaguing the country and the lucky part is the wealth of raw material available without ever leaving the Capitol grounds. The Bipartisan Heroin Taskforce doesn’t actually use heroin,
but they know where you can get it. The Congressional Asthma & Allergy Taskforce meets when pollen counts are low, or not. And the Electromagnetic Pulse Caucus is rigorous about backing up the minutes of their meetings onto multiple hard drives. There’s the Congressional Cannabis Caucus that one likes to think gets together every Friday at 4:20. And of course, the Friends of Kazakhstan Caucus. Or is it the Friends of Lanie Kazan Caucus? Always get those two mixed up. Don’t know if The Brotherhood of Liver Transplant Recipients, the 3rd Wives Elimination Group, Tiny Hands Union, The Elvis Caucus, a group of Southerners whose meetings feature a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich buffet or the Floss With Domestic Licorice Advancement Group exist, but they could. The Blue Dog Coalition is a group of conservative Democrats and totally different than Yellow Dog Democrats, so enamored of their party they would vote for a yellow dog if it were on the Democrat ballot. No Purple Dog Democrats or Plaid Dog Democrats, yet, but the chroma-kennel is definitely growing. The Congressional Values Action Team exists, but hasn’t spread its sphere of influence very wide. Everyone get honorary membership in the Mirror Appreciation Society, and undoubtedly, there’s a Beelzebub Friendship Network and Bipartisan Flunky & Bootlicker Support Group that operate under different names. While the vast majority of caucuses are not much more than excuses to drink with friends in private, the most useless and ineffectual group that occasionally meets but accomplishes absolutely nothing is a group you may know as… the Democrats. Curse of Living in ‘Interesting Times’ Supposedly, the Chinese or the Arabs or the Scientologists or
WILL DURST
one of those ancient inscrutable cultures, has a saying that goes, “May you live in interesting times.” It is generally considered to be a curse. And America right now is living in the most interesting of times. It’s breathtaking how thrilling and frenetic the news has gotten. Every single day. Almost too exciting. Starting to look like one of those pre-opening credits sequences of a science-fiction movie that takes place in the ruins of a dystopian civilization. “And Then All Hell Broke Loose.” It’s not just we news junkies; the whole world is transfixed. Unprecedented numbers of eyeballs troll the interwebs. Ratings for Fox News and MSNBC have shot past the outer orbits of the Moons of Mercury. Everybody is talking politics. Including people who can’t spell it. News is constantly breaking. And nobody ever fixes it. Olden-timey analogue formats such as newspapers and magazines are flying off shelves. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear that kindling and blanket sales are way up for those who remain partial to smoke signals. Techies are holding Morse Code Bees on their Google buses. Washington these days is like a soap opera with ugly people. Daze of Our Lives. The Not-So-Young and Extremely Reckless. There’s danger, intrigue, romance, treachery, skullduggery, dirty tricks, double-dealing, skulking, lurking, burping, barking. No sex yet, but it’s coming. As long as Bill Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and Fox News are near the mix. The House Intelligence Committee, which is an oxymoron of biblical proportions, has a chairman, Devin Nunes, who is “break ing news” by play ing cloak and dagger on the White House lawn with administration staffers passing him classified documents that he later relays to the President himself. Peter slipping Paul a note to give back to Pete’s boss. Revelations continue to pop up like gophers on a freshly seeded sod farm. Terrorism expert Clint Watts testified in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is only an oxymoron of comic book proportions, and told them “Follow the trail of dead Russians.” And at the end you find a pot of gold and a cooler full of vodka. This is “Homeland” meets “House of Cards,” with Kevin Spacey play ing all the parts, added to large parts James Bond, but not the cool elegant Daniel Craig version. More like one of Roger Moore’s last appearances as the old and slow secret agent who would ask scant ily-clad women to fetch him a glass of water for his teeth. And speaking of “breaking news,” White House Spokesperson Sean Spicer creeps closer and closer to an inevitable televised breakdown. Already his eyes are spinning like zero gravity, electro-magnetic Frisbees. Any day now, he’ll show up at a press briefing wearing his tie as a bandana and a knife gripped between clenched teeth, taunting the as sembled “who wants a piece of me?” And now the former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn has announced he wants immunity to tes tify. Immunity for what? And testify about what? Nobody knows. But his lawyer claims he has a story to tell. And it’s not “Goldilocks & the Three Bears.” Although the administration already claims it is a Grimm Fairy Tale. All this, and we’re only 10 weeks in. Stay tuned. This is going to make “Legion” look like “The Brady Bunch.” Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future ap pear ances such as hi s one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
Looking Out for Number One The first hundred days have been “tremendous”...
and no president has worked harder, believe me.
that ties in nicely with his infrastructure plans. Trump has proposed a strict budget...
He prefers the “Southern White House”...
which is paid for by some other schmucks.
and those that are closest to him. He likes to take care of himself and his family...
May, 2017
HUMOR TIMES
7
Environment vs Jobs Pruitt rules Trump’s EPA with a religious zeal...
as he carries out the boss’ vision.
but all that may not even matter in the end.
They say environmentalists are anti-jobs...
Meanwhile, promised jobs don’t seem to be returning...
But Trump’s most beloved constituency is happy...
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a revelation that does not sit well with anyone.
and loves how he runs the White House.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
Minority Party
Repealed Replacement
Democrats are looking ahead...
The president’s golf game suffered...
and fantasizing about the future.
as he couldn’t quite sink the easy putt.
Even the present is better than they’d hoped...
Now Paul Ryan is feeling ill...
but the worst is yet to come.
May, 2017
but they’re still hoping to make a real impact.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Ivanka Rolls Out Latest Fragrance: ‘Putin on the Ritz’ With the wild success of her newly introduced perfume, Ivanka has announced that she will be rolling out an entire line of scents, with the next to be “Putin on the Ritz.” The commercial for the fragrance will feature Vladamir Putin and Ivanka dressed as Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, dancing across a gilded ballroom floor.
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Public Servant Abuses Take Your Daughter to Work Day Takes his daughter to work every day and is giving her increasingly important tasks, according to disgruntled subordinates. WASHINGTON — Earlier today, dozens of public employees, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed their boss was blatantly violating professionalism in the workplace and the spirit of “Take Your Daugh ter to Work Day.” Employees claimed their boss had been bringing his daughter to work every day, and seemed intent on continuing the practice on a long-term basis. “She doesn’t know anything and is always on the phone,” said one employee. “The kid interrupts meetings all of the time to ask what a word means or for a map to find a place she doesn’t know the location of, which is pretty much any-
where.” “Now our boss is passing messages to us through his daughter. I spent years working my way to where I am today and now my effective supervisor is a child who is way too close to her father and his tiny busy hands,” said another public servant. All of the anonymous employees opposed the increasingly important role played by their supervisor’s daughter, but confirmed they were too afraid of retaliation from their boss to complain. “He’s a monster,” agreed most of the unidentified civil servants. Reported by TheNilAdmirari.com
National Debt Forces U.S. to Give Away States The national debt has reached $13 trillion. In an effort to pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has started giving away States to our debtors overseas. Near the end of the music, Ivanka will spritz herself with the perfume, and Putin will respond by ripping off his jacket and shirt, revealing the word Ivanka glittering across his bare chest. He will then flex and unflex his pecs to have the letters dance in tune to the music. After a month or so, Ivanka will introduce her next fragrance, “The Scent of Money.” Her father has ordered the U.S. Mint to give his daughter free access as she tries to capture the scent of newly minted money. The commercial has already been shot, with three models clad in g-strings and pasties rolling around on newly minted bills. Ivanka was having trouble with her final fragrance, “The Wall.” In a unique concept, the perfume is encapsulated in tiny “bricks” that form a miniature wall. The main problem is that the scent appears to repel rather than attract people. However, her father has come to her rescue, writing the purchase of massive amounts of the perfume into the budget. It will be used to spray on the wall that he still hopes to build between Mexico and the U.S. Reported by Diane de Anda.
The first to go was New Jersey, given to the Chinese, who immediately sent in troops to take over the municipalities and factories and seal the borders. All dissidents were put in prison, and the secret police visited Bruce Springsteen and beat the snot out of him. George Soros was arrested and forced to act as a liaison between the “running dog” American capitalists and the “new order” Chinese entrepreneurs. The Australians demanded seafront property and were not happy to be given Alabama. Despite this, they quickly put up surfing shops, replaced the hotels with backpacking hostels and started throwing wild parties on the beach. At first there was animosity between them and the Alabamanians, but when they realized that they were both redneck at heart, they dropped their
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Off the record, we Jews like celebrating the time we killed Jesus almost as much as Christians,” said Ginsburg before breaking out into laughter. “I’m just kidding. The Jews didn’t kill Christ, that’s just something anti-Semites believe.” After the laughter passed, Ginsburg’s face grew serious, she leaned in and whispered, “but seriously off the record, I just like to imagine the eggs are aborted chickens.” Again, the 84-year-old justice broke out into laughter before continuing. “Seriously, and this is really off the record this time, I’m doing this in the hopes that Trump will read a headline saying I’ve dyed and have an excite ment-in duced heart at tack,” said a stone-faced Ginsburg while sliding a briefcase full of cash across the table. “Seriously. Off. The. Record.” Reported by StubhillNews.com. “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” – Groucho Marx “98 percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.” – Lily Tomlin “We have a deeply divided body politic. Half of our population believes our elections are broken, the other half believes they are fixed.” – Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Justin Trudeau challenges Matthew Perry to a rematch of Canadian elementary school yard fight The winner gets to kick Bieber’s ass.
with,” said Melania. Post-event, Sean Spicer appeared, and announced that any press that had not left the grounds within five minutes would be “escorted out” by Trump’s private security. “Unless, of course, you’re with Fox or Brietbart,” he said. “Then you’re welcome to fly with us for a quick round of golf in Mar-a-Lago.” Reported by James Israel.
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic and people with weaker stomachs. “Sure, we all like to laugh,” Benjamin said, “but at what price? Sudden guffaws can disturb those nearby. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. And belly laughs can upset your stomach.” “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” she went on, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: Subscription info can be found on page 2 – use at your own risk!)
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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg dyed Easter eggs peacefully at her home the day before Easter this year. Despite being Jewish, the liberal Supreme Court justice said she had always found the egg decorating process to be “soothing.”
Ripping the Headlines Today
White House Easter: Golden Eggs the Reason for Smaller Event As Easter approached this year, media outlets reported that the White House had dropped the ball on the annual Easter Egg Roll — due mostly to the First Lady Melania Trump not being present and handling it — resulting in a much smaller event than usual. However, the real reason was revealed on the morning of the event: It was a very exclusive event this year, with a strict guest list limited to those “of means and decorum.” Instead of the usual wooden eggs given out to thousands of eager young participants of all income levels, exquisitely-engraved golden and jeweled Fabergé eggs were presented to selected young children of the one-tenth of one percent. The event’s name was also changed. “Instead of the annual ‘Easter Egg Roll,’ the event will heretofore be known as the ‘Guilded Easter Egg Stroll,’ Melania announced. As a special bonus, all the grass in the Easter egg bas kets was im ported spe cially from Florida, being obtained from divots turned up by the President’s own golf clubs during his games in Mar-a-Lago. “We had plenty to work
defenses and agreed to bugger the North and start a second Civil War, just for the hell of it. Russia took back Alaska, causing gas prices to jump to $20 a gallon and Sarah Palin to wet her pants. Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed California for Austria, setting off riots in the Senate. Further shock was added when 90% of Austria moved to California for the beaches and sunshine and promptly kicked out all the Auslanders (foreigners, or, in their eyes, anyone not white) except Sophia Vergara, because she is hot. Mexico grabbed Texas, setting off a revolt by Texans, which resulted in a second storming of the Alamo. This time the Mexicans razed it to the ground. George W. Bush was expelled as an illegal alien, and a wall was built around the state to prevent illegals from getting in. Liechtenstein (look it up on a map), Europe’s smallest country, got Nebraska which increased its size 50 times and made it a nuclear power. Sweden took over administration of Pennsylvania and immediately let all inmates of the prisons free, made all beaches nude and made the restrooms and cloth ing uni sex. These changes drove the Amish berserk and they packed up and moved to Canada. At the end of this process of settling the national debt, with only Arkansas, Wisconsin and Utah left in the Union, they voted to rename themselves Floyd. Reported by Roger Freed.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 84, Dyes Peacefully at Home
Democrats say they sometimes need to ignore elections in order to win In related news, Cleveland In di ans to have that World Series victory parade. Daily Mail pays Melania Trump $2.9 million to settle lawsuit over escort story No word if they handed her the check or left it on her night table… Sounds like Netflix is bringing back Carmen Sandiego? And, I’ve been wondering where in the flipping world she’s been…
Man convicted of killing his sister spits at judge and yells obscenities after his sentencing And, you thought your family sucked. Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort was slapped with 13 health violations at its last kitchen inspection Look for Trump to blame overrated Chef Meryl Streep. Bannon and Kushner hold sit-down in attempt to bury the hatchet …in Reince Priebus. FBI director: Public should know of agenda-driven fake news Unless this is agenda-driven fake news… China warns war could break out ‘at any moment’ over North Korea Can’t we just watch old episodes of M*A*S*H?
Man dragged from United Airlines flight to take legal action Guess he should feel lucky they didn’t remove him after take off.
Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos favors guns in school because of bears And, I thought the only way to stop a bad bear with a gun was with a good bear with a gun.
Ivanka may have convinced her dad to bomb Syria And, it wasn’t a warning shot to Assad, but to Nordstrom.
With major EPA cuts looming, Scott Pruitt wants a 10-person, 24/7 security detail Most of them will just drink any tap water…
HUMOR TIMES
Read more of Paul Lander’s columns at humortimes.com.
May, 2017
The Red Party Trump may have dodged a big one in the election...
but it’s come back to roost, bigly.
He may have his man running the investigation...
but he’s still worried.
Much is being revealed...
in this game of thrones.
Putin may be having second thoughts...
May, 2017
but so is the Republican Party.
HUMOR TIMES
13
You’re Fired!
Delegating the Presidency
April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month…
Being president is hard work…
at least, that’s what Jared says. and certainly, advertisers expanded their awareness.
Bill finally has to learn the meaning of “no”...
His plate is quite full...
and is probably now drowning his sorrows. but he got what he wanted.
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
White House Follies Steve Bannon was shown the door...
and had to re-tool.
While Sean Spicer is an idiot...
who’s had to be re-schooled.
and he still doesn’t get it.
The administration is reworking its messaging...
as Republicans recycle...
May, 2017
and take stock of the situation.
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown To Have a People’s Government, We the People Must Build It In high school, I had a girlfriend who was involved in student government and all sorts of good works. While she paid attention to all that was happening in those years of the early ‘60s, she essentially was a moderate — certainly not some movement rebel. Or so we thought... until one lazy, Sunday afternoon. As we aimlessly “cruised the drag” of our small town in a ‘54 Chevy, we were paused at a red light across from a root beer stand where some teens were hanging out. Suddenly, my “moderate” girlfriend lunged halfway out of the backseat window and shouted “Wake up and piss, kids, the world’s on fire!” I stared at her wide-eyed and whopperjawed, wondering where that came from. I’ve thought of that moment recently as I’ve seen instance after instance of the innate rebelliousness of the American peo ple erupt ing across the country in surprising ways, unexpected numbers, and with astonishing intensity.
No need to wonder where this comes from, however. The outbursts are a spontaneous, rapidly expanding mass rejection of Trumpism. Our Twitter-president plays to his most frenzied partisans with his daily rata-tat-tat of executive orders and public fulminations — firing at refugees, federal judges, Chuck Schumer, the media, Nordstrom, the EPA, Mexico’s president, Elizabeth Warren, laws that protect consumers from Wall Street greed, Sweden, Arnold Schwarzenegger and... no telling who’s next. But while some delightedly squeal at his wild moves, many more see Trump as not merely unpresidential, but bull goose bonkers! And dangerous — recklessly using the enormous power of the presidency as a personal cudgel to attack, stigmatize and seriously harm individuals, entire religions and races, the Bill of Rights and our nation’s basic values of tolerance, fairness and opportunity for all. In a twist of ironic justice, The Donald’s deep darkness has sparked
a prairie fire of mass opposition, raging political activism and movement organizing for the long haul. Many of us are activists already, ranging from occasional campaigners to us warped gluttons for full-time, full-tilt punishment. No matter your past involvement, with our ship of state entering dire straits, each of us must do a bit extra. And we can help focus the anger roiling the country side by sharing some how-to-makea-difference tips to friends, co-workers, et al. “Traump-atized” by Washington’s new extremist kakistocracy (government by the worst). After all, millions of our neighbors have long been disengaged, viewing the political scrum as somewhere between irrelevant and repugnant. But, suddenly they’re back — alert not only to Trump, but to their congress critters and to that menagerie of freaky, rightwing corporate mutants that Trump-Pence has put in charge of our government. In January, one red-district Texan told a reporter: “I think of politics the way I think of my car. I just want it to run [without my spending] a lot of time.” Only a few weeks into the Trump-Does-Wash ing ton spec ta cle, he learned a fundamental lesson: “You get the politics you work for.”
JIM HIGHTOWER
So, it’s time to get to work. This is not just a one-time, resist-and-dump Trump campaign we’re undertaking, but the mobilization of a long-term grassroots movement to reject the systemic corporate takeover of our elections and government at every level, from our local school boards to our White House. Simply ousting Trump won’t do that. The job, then, is as simple as it is difficult: To have a People’s government, we must build it. Democracy requires us common folk to join together, with each of us doing as much as we can, as strategically as we can, for as long as we can. Www.IndivisibleGuide.com, www.OurRev olution.com and www.MovementVote.org are just a few organizations you can check out to help you get active and start building a more democratic way of governing.
Reality Show Your house is keeping an eye on you...
If you don’t believe us, Google it...
16
or should we say the manufacturers and hackers are.
and then ask Congress why they made it easy & profitable.
HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
Supremes The Gorsuch hearings were cut and dried...
being an easy call for Republicans.
They were mostly satisfied with his answers... but still had to resort to extreme tactics...
Gorsuch is now a Supreme...
blowing the lid off the process.
and the Senate may be forever damaged. though it hardly seems fair...
May, 2017
HUMOR TIMES
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
May, 2017
May, 2017
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19
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Issue #301
May 2017
The News, Cartoon Style! Formerly the Comic Press News
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The Humor Times: Going Nuclear with the News