Humor Times, Dec 2017

“If your flirting strategy is indistinguishable from harassment, it’s not everyone else that’s the problem.” – John Scalzi Issue #308

December 2017

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Editor’s Letter

The Book Collector

So-called “Tax Cuts” Ruthless politicians have been pushing the “trickle-down” theory since the days of Ronald Reagan, although they have stopped using the term – since the baseless idea has been thoroughly debunked. They haven’t stopped trying to implement it, though, in the form of “tax cuts.” Oh, they always say it’s for the middle class, and they throw us a skimpy bone with a few scraps of meat on it, so that they can claim it’s true.

But you’re a fool if you fall for it. The tax cuts they are really interested in are the huge cuts that will go to the top 1% of the 1% – people like the so-called president, and the fat cats who buy elections for the very same so-called “representatives” who vote for it in Congress. The richest among us – who, by the way, are doing quite well already, thank you very much – are the ones who will really benefit. Yes, these so-called “middle class tax cuts” are a pittance, and they are even set to expire in a few years! But the cuts for the rich, of course, are permanent. Nice.

It’s so amazing that some people keep falling for this ruse. Especially since it’s pretty much exactly the same every time. And the transfer of wealth from the middle and lower classes to the rich continues, unabated.

Did you know that virtually all the gains in the economy since the crash of ’08 – the so-called “recovery” – have gone to the very richest among us? That’s why the “recover” feels so empty.

We, the people, the workers, are the engine that drives the increasing wealth that these greedy bastards grab for themselves. Without our hard work, they wouldn’t have any wealth to steal. So, why do we keep letting them get away with it?

Hint: the only way out of this downward spiral for the 99% is to vote out the handmaidens of the rich that keep fooling voters into renewing their jobs. Another hint: those with the slickest commercials are the ones not to vote for. Turn off your TV during election season, or at least ignore the election ads. Instead, do a little reading, from different sources, and learn the real facts about the candidates and the issues.

– James Israel, Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 26, Issue 308, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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December, 2017

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!

HUMOR TIMES

3

‘To Catch a Predator’ Wasn’t Around Then Candidate Roy Moore started his glad-handing early...

He insists he’s come clean...

and that he’s a Bible-loving man....

who is being unfairly attacked.

Alabama voters are sticking with him...

saying it’s the Christian thing to do...

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but his supporters say Jesus’ dad did it too.

but Trump says the judge made a fatal mistake.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2017

Not Good Enough nor Smart Enough Liberals certainly are not all blameless...

as anyone can tell you.

Sen. Al Franken could learn a thing or too...

but is still an inspiration.

The entire Congress has a slush fund for harassment cases...

and they don’t like to give anyone up.

Men everywhere must now examine their consciences...

December, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

because this has been going on much too long.

5

Classier Class Wars Just when you thought America had fallen down the rabbit hole, entering an undiscovered country with no recognizable features and a strange distorted landscape, who stops by to say “hi”?

Why, it’s our old good buddy — Class War. Donald Trump adopted him, but Democrats want him back as part of the family.

Democrats love class wars. They understand them. It’s getting back to basics, like putting on your silk boxers before donning your riding jodhpurs. Sitting down to a table with a properly positioned grapefruit spoon. Finding the leather on the lounger in your Lear Jet perfectly reconditioned.

Ironically, it was the Republicans that provided this golden opportunity for Democrats to grab hold of Class War’s swinging pony tail and drag it back home by unveiling various versions of tax reform that differ on multiple points but share one important feature: huuuuge opportunities for people who have a whole lot of money to hang onto more.

That’s why Dems now get to cry to the heavens about how the GOP coddles the rich by cutting their taxes. The conservatives’ predictable response is “well, the wealthy pay a lot of taxes already, so of course they’ll get some of the breaks.” The Democrats fire back with “but this ain’t no some, Chuck. This is huge honking most. This is fork-lift pallet out the back bay of Costco tax cuts.” And revenue neutral the same way West Texas is gridlocked.

Like most domestic squabbles, fingers are pointed and dinnerware thrown at ducking and bobbing heads on both sides, but the dirty little secret is the public couldn’t care less. Your average American is all in favor of extending perks to the rich because they know it’s only a matter of time before they’re raking in the gajillion dollars worth of tax breaks after they too become obscenely affluent. Which should be any day now. What time is it now?

So when Republicans announce, “we need to stimulate the rich in order to boost the economy,” the lower and middle classes just nod their heads and repeat, “yep, yep, yep, and you know who those stimulating tax cuts are going to look good on? Us.” Rather than get bogged down in sociological semantics, we here at Durstco have unearthed a couple other ways to accomplish the same sort of thing and cost a lot less than $1.5 trillion it is estimated these cuts will add to the deficit. So this is us helping out with a little piece we like to call…

TOP TEN CHEAPER YET EFFECTIVE WAYS TO STIMULATE THE RICH: • Torches, pitchforks, crowbars, funnels & hot lead enemas.

• Sub-dermal, cayenne pepper, time-release sinus implants.

• Bracing slaps to the face from stockholders before every corporate board meeting.

• Instead of Botox injections, force the rich to take their botulism toxin orally.

• Subliminal messages while they sleep. “I’m ruining the world.” “My children hate me.” “Social ownership of the means of production.”

• Amphetamine patches. What the hell, amphetamine mesh undershirts.

• Ankle-tethered, rabies-infested, Norwegian rats.

• All new BMWs equipped with factory installed Galaxy 7 in glove compartment nestled in a pile of kerosene soaked rags.

• Replace all those pink, blue and yellow packages of artificial sweeteners with poisonous Pop Rocks.

• Remote controlled cattle prod suppositories.

WILL DURST

Plea Deals: Termites of Justice The initial grand jury indictments in special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation have dropped like a box of rocks and include something called “Conspiracy against the United States.”

Which sounds like “fake news” the same way “flesh-eating bacteria” sounds like a prescription.

Conspiracy is only one of 12 charges filed against President Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, who is also accused of money-laundering, failing to register as a foreign agent, not paying taxes and being such a smug greedy SOB he makes Bernie Madoff look like a bleeding-heart, social worker who ministers sick puppies.

After pleading not guilty to all charges, both Manafort and his longtime business associate Rick Gates are under house arrest, with Mueller arguing they should be considered flight risks, because both have huge amounts of money, the charges are severe and Manafort has a pattern of lying like a rug in his sleep. His haircut alone represents an extreme threat to public safety.

Apparently the Justice Department is worried the guy might try running back to the Ukraine where he still has a bunch of good buddies and possible safety deposit boxes full of rubles and hryvnias. Because what happens in Kiev stays in Kiev, except, of course, when you’re a big-time international money player with multiple passports and offshore accounts.

Lower down the food chain, a Trump foreign policy advisor, George Papadopoulos, pled guilty to lying to the FBI. He was arrested in July, and is described in charging documents as a proactive cooperator, which has every body in the Trump administration wondering if he spent the last couple months playing that popular Justice Department game, “Dial a Co-Conspirator” while wearing a wire.

The FBI’s modus operandi traditionally offers peripheral players plea deals, encouraging them to turn on their bosses, then rinse and repeat; working inward like termites of justice until eroding the base and the kingpin falls. And you get the feel ing the am a teur cir cles surrounding this president would drop a dime on him faster than a sailor at a Carnival Midway the night before shipping out to the South Seas.

Conspiracy charges also allow prosecutors to hold each defendant responsible for the actions of others within the plot. And now that someone has pled guilty, the principals and vice-principals are starting to distrust every one, including the family dog. Once everyone lawyers up, you have no idea what your colleagues are saying and the image of marching up courthouse steps with a trench coat draped over your handcuffs starts to loom large.

Three House Republicans introduced a res o lu tion call ing for Mueller to recuse him self and spokes per son Sa rah Huckabee Sanders says the official White House position is the investigation is winding down but that sounds like wishful thinking: a malady that afflicts most politicians, but these folks seem especially susceptible to simple syndromes. Just look at the ep i demic of Rus sian Am ne sia sweeping through the administration like kindergarten cooties.

Right now members of Team Trump have to be quaking like a Richter Scale in the back of a moving van with bad shocks speeding over railroad tracks in a quarry.

Mostly because, as the Carpenters legendarily told us, “We have only just begun.” Or maybe more like that holiday classic, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Watergate.”

Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that fea ture fu ture ap pear ances such as his current “Durst Case Scenario” show.

6

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2017

Rude Awakening Dems got a real surprise...

It caused a real turnaround...

when the former DNC Chairwoman’s tell-all book dropped.

and right-wing pundits could hardly conceal their glee.

It became quite obvious...

that Democrats had a real mess on their hands.

Hillary, of course, said there was no ‘there’ there...

but it’s a lot to chew on.

December, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

7

Red Scare Mueller really doesn’t have to try too hard...

as the evidence is everywhere.

Of course, Trump says it’s all fake news...

directing his newspeak secretary to say so...

and reminding us who is really to blame.

and his backers will not stand for interference...

8

Trump, of course, is a tough negotiator...

although they’ve long been fans of “regime change.”

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2017

Broken Record: Tax Cuts for the Rich To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “There they go again...”

pulling a fast one on an overly trusting public...

while screwing you good...

pretending they’re on your side...

and delivering for the bosses who deliver them into office.

but beyond their base, it’s a hard sell...

December, 2017

Republicans are desperate...

and with enough pressure, it could blow up on them.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

President McConnell of Kentucky Has Lunch with Trump WASHINGTON – To day, Don ald Trump had lunch with Mitch McConnell at the White House. Mr. Trump asserted it was an honor to sit with the president of Kentucky and talk about important matters to both countries.

“We had some very good discussions about how to bigly improve the future relationship between the United States and the great na tion of Kentucky. Bigly,” said Trump during a joint press conference.

RELATED: Trump Drops Phone into Toilet, Delaying War with North Korea Trump continued, “I mean, we talked a lot about how similar our two countries are, and I found out we have a lot in common.

And I mean a lot. When I say a lot, you know I mean a lot.”

“For instance, we both hate Obama and Obamacare, among many, many other things... Many other things,” as serted Trump.

RELATED: Public Servant Abuses Take Your Daughter to Work Day A unidentified member of the press asked Trump what other things were talked about with President McConnell.

“We have even more in common with Kentucky than the Virgin Islands. That’s all I’ll say,” replied Trump.

Reported by The Nil Admirari

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the Humor Times today, calling it habit forming. “Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful, America.” (Ed: Subscribe on page 3, if you can handle it. And please give subscriptions responsibly!)

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Trump Starts Building Border Wall Himself ARIZONA DESERT – Un con firmed Sources report that Mr. Trump has started to build his border wall. Mr. Tump took a surprise trip to the border Sunday, to visit a section of wall. Known as a hands-on manager of construction projects large and small Mr. Trump decided the only way to get this job done right was to do it himself.

Mr. Trump left Washington early Sunday and arrived at the border just before noon. After surveying the site Mr. Trump approached brick layer Tim Hardeson and asked him how things were going. Hardeson told Mr. Trump he could use some help as there are few laborers willing to work in such harsh conditions.

“Well, Tim.” Said Mr. Trump “I brought my favorite trowel. Let’s get to work on this YUGE beautiful wall!”

Mr. Trump took off his jacket and tie and got work right then and there. Hardeson and Mr. Trump worked together for several minutes.

Mr. Trump then took a quick break to sign bricks for his fellow wall builders and throw rocks at curious Mexican children who had come by to watch the spectacle.

Mr. Trump them toured a border command post and helped escort a group of undocumented immigrants from Guatemala back over the border into Mexico.

Reported by UnconfirmedSources.com

Larry Flynt Enters Rehab After ‘Horrific Exposure’ to Confidential Trump Dossier LOS ANGELES – Hus tler mag a zine publisher Larry Flynt is under 24-hour sedation today, after voluntarily admitting himself to a Los Angeles psychiatric clinic Sunday night.

Doctors said Flynt was in a state of “extreme shock, sim i lar to the worst cases of PTSD we have ever seen,” following his harrowing exposure to a series of confidential letters and dossiers concerning US president Donald Trump. “His psyche has received a tremendous and perhaps permanently debilitating trauma,” they said.

T h e cel e b ra te d por nog ra phe r a nd free-speech advocate recently hit the headlines when he offered $10 million to anyone providing salacious and/or scandalous information leading to Trump’s impeachment and removal from office. Hustler administrators said yesterday that the magazine had been “inundated” with sworn testimonies, videos, 8mm film and recorded phone calls, all of which Mr Flynt insisted on reviewing himself.

“We tried to warn him,” said editorial assistant, Thelma Sleaze, “but Larry courageously insisted on taking a crate full of the worst and most dis gust ing ma te rial home with him.

‘Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,’ he said.

I think maybe he knew the danger, though.”

A sob bing Sleaze con tin ued: “Late on Sunday night I got an incoherent message from Larry on my answering machine. I rushed over to his place where I found him lying on the floor convulsed in some kind of seizure. He was foaming at the mouth and retching continuously.”

“I then called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital, where he was put under immediate sedation.”

Resnick doctors said they hoped that after “sustained therapy” he might recover.

“However,” added lead physician Dr Adam K. Shmendrick, “there is considerable danger of permanent psychic numbing. I’ve never seen anything like it in a lifetime of dealing with the worst cases of trauma — tortured Viet Nam POWs, child-rape victims and actresses who spent time with Harvey Weinstein.

“Fortunately a lifetime of dealing with Hustler contributors and cartoonists may have prepared him for the initial shock and saved his life.

Like inoculation to Ebola or the Black Death.”

Reported by Michael Egan

First Lady Announces ‘Trophy Wives’ Support Group Melania Trump has finally come up with a 4. How to smile and present the image of the doting wife in public, even when you feel First Lady project for which she is eminently nauseated. qualified. She is plan5. How to insure your ning to start sup port in come de spite the groups nationwide for pre-nup: the have-attrophy wives married to least-one-child rule. older men.

6. The importance of In order to not waste making sure your husthe taxpay ers’ money, band has a Twitter acthere will be strict critecount. ria for membership in W he n que rie d the support groups. First about the function of and fore most, women the Twitter account, must be rated a 9 or 10 she provided de tails by a panel of aging modon its two most imporels, in clud ing Heidi First Lady and First Daughter. Image by tant uses.

Klum a n d Ch r i s t i e outtacontext, flickr.com.

“You must make Brinkley. Second, their husbands must be at least 20 years older than sure that his Twitter account is filled with folthey are. Lastly, husbands must have a mini- lowers who will tell him he is always right and wonderful no matter how stupid or outrageous mum income of $10 million.

Melania explained, “At first it was only go- his tweets,” she began.

“Start with all those whose jobs depend on ing to be for the wives of billionaires, but then I agreeing with him, then those who would like to thought we should include the less fortunate.”

The support groups will be based on the les- be hired or have him buy their products – you sons contained in the counseling guide written know, the usual ‘kiss ass for a buck’ types. Then

by Melania herself, titled The Trophy Wife’s you hire a few actors to send tweets every now Survival Guide, with the subtitle How to Live and then that get him angry and busy with a with a Disgusting, but Rich, Older Man. Below Twitter war.

“That’s part of lesson number 8, ‘How to are a preview of some of the issues dealt with in avoid sex.’ Fighting with other ‘Twitter warthe book.

1. How to deal with the embarrassment of a riors’, he’ll forget all about you.”

“Aren’t you worried that your husband will bad hairpiece.

2. Preparing lists of statements ahead of time, see your book and be upset about the contents?” questioned the reporter. such as “That’s just locker room talk.”

Melania smiled and replied, “You’ve got to 3. How to keep from having to hold hands in public, with a training video of the Melania be kidding! Donald never reads anything.”

Reported by Diane de Anda hand slap.

12

Headline News Section Jeff Sessions: ‘Creepy Smirk Does Not Mean I’m Lying. Honest!’

In testimony this week before the congressional committee investigating possible Trump campaign collusion with the Russians, Attorney General Jeff Sessions denied that he knew anything he hadn’t already revealed. However, he smirked creepily when he said that he now remembered what he didn’t remember last time he testified.

Sessions also rejected rumors that he is a Keebler elf.

“I will not accept — and reject — accusations that I have ever hid behind a smirk while I lied,” Sessions testified under oath before the House Judiciary Committee. “That’s just my go-to expression when I’m being cagey. I also reject rumors that I am really a Keebler elf.”

Sessions was caught in an apparent lie when rev e la tions from for mer ad vis ers George Papadopoulos and Carter Page appeared to contradict previous Senate testimony that he gave.

RELATED: Sessions to Start “Memory Classes” for Everyone Involved or Ever Involved with the Tr u m p A d m i n i s t r a t i o n o r t h e E l e c t i o n Campaign.

During Tuesday’s appearance, Sessions said that he did not recall talking to Page last year and only remembered a meeting with Papadopoulos after seeing news reports about it.

“And if anything else gets revealed, I’ll be sure to remember it then,” he smirked.

“The campaign was so chaotic, it’s easy to forget treasonous collusion with the Russians,” he said.

“Not that there was any,” he added, unable to suppress that trademark knowing smirk once again.

“And if there was any collusion, by golly, gee wiz, I sure don’t recall!”

At that statement, every Republican on the panel was seen smirking gleefully.

Reported by James Israel

Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Navy Pilots from NAS Whidbey Island drew a massive penis in the sky If the image doesn’t disappear in 4 hours they should contact a doctor.

Paul Ryan orders mandatory sexual-harassment training for U.S. House No word if that’s to stop it or teach new techniques…

US warship collides with Japanese tug boat, latest mishap for the Navy’s 7th Fleet Who’s steering these ships? Captain Crunch?

Keystone pipeline reportedly spills 210,000 gallons of tar sands oil in South Dakota And it’s still not as slick and greasy as Congress.

Trump building in Panama has ties to Russian mafia, international crime Dammit, he even outsourced his organized crime.

Barack Obama has a more favorable rating than Donald Trump — in Alabama: Fox News Hell, Barack Obama will have a more favorable rating at Trump’s family Thanksgiving dinner.

Al Franken apologizes after radio anchor says he forcibly kissed her, took lewd photo ‘Saturday Night Live’ reruns will now have a sketch called the ‘Christopher Plummer Decade.’

HUMOR TIMES

A child reportedly destroyed over $1,000 worth of make-up at Sephora And, was immediately offered a bas ket ball schol ar ship at UCLA. Russian Ambassador says he won’t name all the Trump officials he met because the list is too long Let’s make it easy, name the ones you haven’t met.

Roy Moore uses title of teen cheerleader movie in attempt to defend himself: ‘Bring. It. On.’ Well, in fairness, that is less creepy than the Dr Seuss title: ‘Hop. On Pop.’ Morning Joe’ blasts fake Washington Post ‘Bernie Bernstein’ robocall: ‘So anti-Semitic’ As opposed to the original name they were going to use ‘Hymie McJewyJew.’ Stewardess claims first-class passengers pay flight attendants for sex That’s why they should call it ‘No Longer a Virgin Atlantic.’

3 times Jeff Sessions made false statements to Congress relating to Russian contacts under oath At this point Jeff Session should just answer questions with a ‘dah’ or a ‘nyet.’

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

December, 2017

Thoughts, Prayers and Profits The go-to response is semi-automatic...

but we got to believe God’s pretty sick of it.

It’s impressive what the NRA has accomplished...

in a sickening kind of way.

It’s an insane situation...

and there must be another way.

saying its prayers.

But for now, America remains on its knees...

December, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

13

Sessions’ Session

Rebuked

His appearance before Congress was a forgettable one...

Republicans felt the first sting of rejection in the Trump era...

but Jeff Sessions thought he really nailed it.

and it wasn’t pretty.

He’s just Santa’s little helper, after all...

The party fell flat on this one...

and is much to busy with more important stuff.

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but Trump said it was their own fault.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2017

First Year: Report Card After a full year in office...

Donald Trump has humbly took his place in history.

He’s obviously a mental giant...

and a gifted thinker.

Sure, there are some concerns...

but he’s proven himself on the world stage...

as a fearless negotiator... who now represents America, like it or not.

December, 2017

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown As anyone who has ever been to any of the many cities that are graced with a Trump hotel, casino, golf resort, etc. likely knows, Donald Trump insists that his name be gaudily displayed in giant letters across every structure he owns — preferably in gold.

Now, he’s taken ownership of a massive new structure that’ll reach across all of America, but he might not want his name slapped all over this one. It’s Trump’s towering redo of our country’s tax law — and, no surprise, it is truly golden.

For the super-rich, that is, revealing in hard numbers whom his presidency really serves: Not just the 1%, but especially the 1% of the 1% who are multimillionaires and billionaires… like — guess who? — him.

First and fore most, the Trump tax plan slashes the payments that giant corporations make to support our nation. He claims that this will let corporate elites raise the wages of workers and create jobs, winking at the fact that, of course, the elites will pocket every dime of Trump’s tax giveaways. And he doesn’t mention a little secret gotcha: A third of his corporate benefits would go to foreign owners of American corporations.

Mean while, Trump’s lux u ri ous new tax structure eliminates many benefits for middle class families, such as tax deductions for medical expenses, college tuition and interest paid on student loans. He wants modest-income families to pay more, so he can eliminate current taxes on his own uber-rich family, including killing the alternative income tax paid by the rich and the estate tax.

Did I mention that the gilded tax structure proposed by this self-described business genius would hang an additional $1.5 trillion debt around our children’s necks? No surprise, for Trump’s grandiose luxury projects were often built with other people’s money, advancing himself before he slipped away, leaving others to grapple with the bankruptcy.

Here’s a question you might want to ask our Trumpestuous Pres i dent and his mousey Trumpeteers in Congress: “Why are you even considering giving more tax breaks to corporate giants?”

JIM HIGHTOWER First, the self-serving corporate class is wallow ing in ware houses of wealth, greed ily hoard ing it in off shore tax shel ters and stock-buyback schemes, refusing to invest their unconscionable profits to benefit the vast majority of people they’ve been knocking down and holding down.

Second, you shouldn’t give away our public treasury when our nation has a budget deficit and faces a frightening backlog of crying needs for public investment — from our deteriorating infrastructure to our disappearing middle class.

Third, our people’s sense of equality and social unity has been severely fractured by 30 years of gross wealth inequality, so intentionally widening the wealth gap is criminally stupid and dangerous.

Fourth, why would you think over-paid, over-pampered CEOs deserve more pampering? They’ve become imperious potentates who feel entitled to gouge, cheat, defraud, lie and otherwise run over us commoners.

Consider Jeff Immelt, who resigned as the imperial CEO of General Electric until this June. Not only did he have a fleet of corporate jets to fly him around, but we now learn that when this royal chief jetted here or there, he had a second jet, called a “chase plane,” follow right behind him. Jet Number Two carried no passengers or equipment; it was just a spare in case his highness needed it for… well for what? GE offers no reasonable answer, because there isn’t one. Immelt says he never used the spare, but there it was, zipping along behind him costing GE shareholders thousands of dollars an hour.

This pompous waste cost you and me, too, for GE got a tax deduction for every flight Jeff’s chase plane made. Why would Trump & Company reward such common corporate rip-offs with more tax breaks?

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