“Make the most you can of the Indian Hemp seed and sow it everywhere.” – George Washington, Founding Father Issue #310
February, 2018
‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Merely $2.98
Formerly the Comic Press News ®
The News, Like You’ve Never Seen It Before! Reported in Hilarious Fashion, Using the Finest in Editorial Cartoons
Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400
OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution
2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry
WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3
Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.
Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 2
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
Editor’s Letter
Pot Luck
Attorney General Jeff Beauregard Sessions is completely out of step with 21st century America, in a lot of ways, but particularly when it comes to cannabis legalization. A vast majority of American citizens want pot legalized. A 2017 Gallup poll showed 64 percent in favor, and the number continues to grow. If this is a democratic republic, then why is our nation’s top cop trying to put people in prison for something two-thirds of us say should be legal? Sessions is one of the most obvious examples of how completely wrong the minority-elected president is when he insists he hires “only the best people.” In fact, he hires the worst: in every department, his cabinet is effectively working against the very purposes of said departments. Of his EPA head, Esquire magazine says, “It has become plain that Scott Pruitt would stick an open-pit mine up Lincoln’s nose on Mt. Rushmore if he thought it would make a buck for one of his real constituents in the extraction industries.” He doesn’t fulfill the agency’s role of protecting the environment for all of us, so much as he protects his longtime supporters — the profiteers who are happy to destroy the environment to make a buck — from any attempts by citizens to stop their wanton destruction. Betsy DeVos, his Secretary of Education, is hell bent on destroying public education in favor of — you guessed it — profiteers — who want to monetize education, not improve it. She was so unqualified that even two Republican senators would not vote for her confirmation, leaving it up to VP Mike Pence Is Serious Business! to break a 50-50 tie. Again, as is the case with everything Trump touches, it all has to do with money. DeVos’ ultra-rich husband, Dick DeVos who was a CEO of the beauty and nutrition giant Amway, and her brother Erik Prince, of Blackwater infamy, both gave generously to Republican congressional candidates through the years. In fact, pretty much everyone the president tapped was out to destroy the very agency they were picked to head. Talk about “SAD!” – James Israel, Editor Face it, there’s a lot to fret about
Legal pot dealers thought they had it made...
POLITICAL HUMOR
these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!
Give the Gift of Laughter Today! Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or order online*!
Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816
P.S. Please enjoy the added color pages, a new feature as of 2018. Why give a subscription to friends and family who enjoy intelligent political humor? It’s Valentines month, and they will love you for it! You will also be helping to support independent media, and these days, when our own president is deriding the very institution the founders thought was important enough to protect with the First Amendment, that’s important. Thank you very much.
but they didn’t count on a drug-crazed AG.
He said marijuana is a real danger...
*$2.00 OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 310, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.
$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!
and can make people crazy.
Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $50.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $78.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a
Or use your: p Discover
p Visa
p Mastercard
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
3
Furious and Ready to Fire Someone Everything was going great...
and the prez had it all under control.
When out of nowhere, a book made wild accusations...
4
and that made Trump angry.
He quickly sprang into action, doing what he does best...
thus reassuring America.
“It’s simple,” he said, “just look at my typical day...”
“and how I handle my business.” (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
Trump tweeted his retort to the book...
saying he can hang with the best of them.
and anyone who says otherwise is dead to him.
He knows exactly what he’s doing, he said...
“Everybody gives me high ratings,” Trump said...
and so will history.
He’d have been better off taking a knee at the game, though...
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
so later, he got right back to work.
5
A Few Predictions for 2018 Time for a few choice words for the not-so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are… “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving odd numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next twelve months. You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies, but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things. In the year 2018: Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book entitled, “How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People are Watching.” In response to another school shooting, the NRA calls for the closing of all schools. Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer. Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go. Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th President dies destitute. Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that. The Internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.
In 2018, the airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal. Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy. LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA. A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg. The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin. After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Donald Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps. After Steve Bannon is dismissed, then rehabilitated in the eyes of Donald Trump 14 separate times, he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yoyos. Michael Wolff writes a best selling sequel to “Fire and Fury” called “No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.” Every single athlete at the 2018 Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake. Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bonafides by loop watching Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy. Oprah loses thirty pounds. In the wake of a D.C. blizzard, all non-essential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.
WILL DURST
Robbing Hood: GOP’s ‘Tax Reform’ They’re partying at the Cracker Barrel. Wings are flying out of Hooters. The Olive Garden’s endless breadsticks have been depleted. Wherever Republicans celebrate, cans of Bud Light are being hoisted and the karaoke machine is smoking, because for the first time all year, the Party of Lincoln accomplished something. Despite being stymied by internecine warfare for 11 months, the GOP came together at the 11th hour to pass a landmark tax reform bill that President Trump referred to as “an incredible Christmas gift for hard working Americans.” Apparently, by “hard working Americans,” he meant everyone who owns a private jet seating more than 11. Because the vast majority of benefits from the “Tax Cut and Jobs Act” don’t just go to the rich, but to the extremely rich. Why? Because excessively rich people need more money, that’s why. The rest of us are expected to do better by scavenging when very rich people’s plates runneth over. As Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley pointed out, you can’t give tax cuts to the middle class because they “are just spending every damn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” Which admittedly does sound like the makings of one fine weekend in Vegas. Through a straight party line vote, anybody who makes less than $500,000 was ceremoniously tossed a couple of the overflow crumbs while millionaires get to eat cake and billionaires added an other line of franchised bakeries to their portfolio. This is the tastiest tax break in years. You could say the bill was rushed. You could also say that sitting on a cast iron park bench in the Yukon at midnight in February gets brisk. In order to weave this piece of legalized larceny through the maze of their own special interest factions the GOP promised recalcitrant Congresspersons enough favored amendments to stuff a goose the size of Wyoming. Many were added at the last minute. Some additions were so late they couldn’t be typed into the document, but had to be scribbled in the margins. It’s the first tax reform legislation that looks like it was il leg i bly scrawled by a third-grader while riding the bus to school. The tax reform plan not only adds $1.5 trillion to the deficit, but the cuts for rich people are permanent while the ones for the poor, ex pire. Which we should all do soon and decrease the surplus population. A not improbable outcome since, oh yeah, this so-called reform also manages to push 13 million Americans out of their insurance. That’s known as adding injury to insult. Many people are saying the President lied when he promised impossibly fantastic returns emanating from his tax reform but looking close, you can see he told the truth. For instance, that part about being able to do your taxes on a postcard, that was true, you’ll just need a really, really, really big postcard. And re mem ber when he promised the tax plan would not be good for him, well, it isn’t good for him, it’s greeeeeaaat!! It is estimated he’ll save 30 million dollars a year, even down the road when mid dle class taxes go up. He stole from the poor to give to the rich. Songs will be written about this new Robbing Hood. Alas, due to FCC language restrictions none will be played on AM radio. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst .com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future appearances such as his current “Durst Case Scenario” show.
6
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
All the President’s Men
Try Us, You’ll Love Us!
The VP is a religiously devoted man...
Today’s political insanity can leave you feeling blue. But don’t cry about the news, laugh about it, with the Humor Times!
but Trump has been known to turn on people...
Valentines Special! Get the Humor Times mailed right to your door each issue! Order a subscription today!
like the former White House golden boy...
on any sub thru Feb. 28th!*
®
who was unceremoniously canned.
Support the media you want to see! In this era of corporate-dominated media, the independent press needs your support. Feel great about supporting media that speaks truth to power, and in such an entertaining way! Get the Humor Times! We thank you. *Discount good on regular U.S. subscription rates, as shown on pg 3. You may order online (see link in the left column at humortimes.com) by using “GiftHT” in the discount code box. Or, simply fill out the form on page 3, and note “New Year Discount.” If you like, a Gift Certificate will be sent to a gift recipient in your name! Order today!
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
7
Money vs Environment For Christmas, the prez had a gift for King Coal...
but it may not have scored him any points.
He gave away precious national treasures...
and said climate change is fake news.
He also opened up offshore drilling...
saying no one will mind...
at least, no one that matters.
8
It’s all part of making America greatly polluted again.
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
A Wrinkle Just in Time for 2020? Dems are frustrated...
feeling left out.
They say everyone around Trump is a liar...
and that rich celebrities should stay out of politics.
and they may have found their woman. They’re desperate for someone who can beat Trump...
and keep it entertaining. She could beat him at his own game...
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
9
“The best time you can have with your clothes on… But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian/columnist Will Durst See subscription form on page 3! www.humortimes.com
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Don’t Hog All the Fun! Give Subscriptions!
“The best time you can have with your clothes on… But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian/columnist Will Durst See subscription form on page 3! www.humortimes.com
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Don’t Hog All the Fun! Give Subscriptions!
“We Report, You Decry!” Revealed: 10 Other Options Considered to Break Tie in Virginia House Race
David Yancey’s vote for self was not enough.
Ten other methods that were considered by the distinguished House of Dele gates for break ing the tie in the Virginia House race. After the race for a Virginia House of Delegates seat ended in a tie, state officials determined the winner by drawing a name out of a bowl, resulting in Republican David Yancey being declared the victor. Before settling on name-drawing, state officials also considered the following possible methods to break the tie: 10. Rock-paper-scissors 9. Hot dog eating contest 8. Bribery 7. Duel 6. Breath holding contest 5. Win goes to taller candidate 4. Drinking contest 3. Tarot reading 2. First candidate to correctly identity Virginia state bird 1. Vladimir Putin chooses winner Reported by Jeff Cahlon
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times Habit-Forming’ The Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.”
Taurus: Valentine’s Day is likely to bring-out your sensual side. Just re mem ber that in ti mate touch is better than a giant hollow chocolate heart. Gemini: Listen to your partner’s sexual needs this Valentine’s Day – they may not like the twin that’s frigid, or the one that’s into choking and hair-pulling. Cancer: The next time you do a random Google search for Disney characters and see photos that would make Larry Flint blush, remember that your partner told you to turn on Safe Search for a reason. Leo: This Valentine’s Day, let your partner know that Lions are like big kitty cats and lobbyists: they love getting their asses scratched, but they’ll bite your hands off if you stop feeding them. Virgo: This month, the universe begs you to understand that your partner isn’t as detail oriented as you, and they don’t need to follow a Medical Safety Data Sheet before having sex with you.
12
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander in the Middle of 5th Avenue and Gets Away with It A man stood brazenly in the middle of 5th Avenue yesterday and shot someone dead. And got away with it. To most eyes, it was just another homicide in a city inured to violence. However, it had a few dif fer ent twists than your usual murder. First, the suspect, an older man with an orange complexion and an oddly colored mop passing for hair, was earlier in the year heard chanting to a crowd in the Midwest about “shooting somebody on 5th Avenue and getting away with it.” The man, apparently well known for making inflammatory statements and gestures, appears to have a high degree of political influence. Despite his having brazenly shot dead a pedestrian in broad daylight, the police have strangely not even brought him in for questioning. The shooter, oddly dressed in a very expensive suit, was at the same time conversely wearing a cheap, loudly colored red baseball hat. Some who saw the incident said that the gunman seemed to single out the victim because he
was wearing a “I Love Hillary” button on his coat. Despite this incident having occurred in broad daylight, and despite numerous witnesses who made positive identification of the suspect, no arrests have been made. The police and even the FBI seem to have little interest in catching the criminal. Both agencies have refused to answer any questions. For reasons unknown, the CIA was brought into the matter, but also refuse to publicly comment or show any progress on the matter. “It seems we have a situation where this obviously powerful individual was able to stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody in cold blood and get away with it!” said reporter Maswa ibn Hardei, a Muslim immigrant and reporter for Al Jazeera News. Hardei himself disappeared mysteriously shortly afterwards. More will be reported as we receive it. If we receive it… Reported by Roger Freed
Kirsten Gillibrand Calls for Bill Clinton to Retroactively Resign, Al Gore to Be Sworn in as President After spearheading demands for Senator Al Franken to resign, Kirsten Gillibrand is now trying to change history. As sex ual mis con duct revelations continue to roil the nation from Washington to Hol ly wood, Sen a tor Kirsten Gillibrand, Democrat of New York, called today for former President Bill Clinton to retroactively resign from the presidency. “My message to President Clinton is clear and simple,” Sen ator Gillibrand said. “Mr. President, do the right thing. Go back to 1998 and resign as president.” Following President Bill Clinton’s retroactive resignation, she said, Vice President Al Gore should be sworn in as president, adding that, “Of course, Vice President Gore should then immediately retroactively resign as well,” due to accusations of sexual misconduct that have surfaced against him.”
Horoscopes for Jerks: February 2018 Aries: Love is like a box of martial arts: you never know who you’re gonna hit.
Headline News Section
“Vice President Gore’s resignation as president should be followed by the swearing in of Newt Gingrich, who was then speaker of the House,” Kirsten Gillibrand said, “followed immediately by Speaker Gingrich’s resignation, due to his own history of mistreatment of women. “I believe next in line for the pres idency would be Monica Lewinsky,” she said. “And all I can say is: Congratulations, Madam President. It’s about time!” Senator Gillibrand dismissed concerns about the feasibility of time travel. “There is nothing more important than that women be valued, respected, and heard,” Senator Gillibrand said. “That’s why we must have zero tolerance for sexual misconduct and also for the laws of physics.” Reported by Jeff Cahlon
Scorpio: To you, intimate relationships are like Russian Military Experiments on Telekinesis. To everyone else, including your partner, Scorpios are just good in bed. Sagittarius: Some say love is war. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, disagrees: it’s more like an overabun dance of feel ings and bombs. What you choose to express and detonate depends on your prescription medication. Capricorn: Goats may stay in the same relationship their entire lives, but just like Hillary Clinton, they’re not authorities on love. Consider facing reality instead of selfishly embracing your need for “power.” Aquarius: This month, cosmic energies remind you that not all acquaintances are potential sex part ners and not all “phil anthropic” organization leaders are honest: they’re people too. Pisces: Everyone knows that you idealize your partners, and when they don’t live up to it, you swim toward the next shiny turd. Next time, keep in mind that you can only dress-up a starving artist so much.
Called reports of previous widespread use of “Merry Christmas” just “fake news.” President Donald Trump issued a statement last month wishing the nation a “Merry Christmas,” claiming credit for inventing the phrase.
Trump: “I am the merriest president ever!”
“Melania and I want to wish all of America a Merry Christmas,” President Trump said. “This Christmas is a very special one. In the past, during this time of year, Americans would go around wishing each other ‘happy holidays.’ Lame! “But now, thanks to me, we have a very special expression just for Christmas. Inventing the expression ‘Merry Christmas’ is my second greatest linguistic accomplishment, right after coming up with ‘priming the pump.’” Trump disputed reports of widespread use of the phrase “Merry Christmas” prior to his presidency. “That’s fake news,” Trump said, in an interview with a reporter. “I used the expression long before anyone else did. I remember it very clearly. I was having a conversation with Sean Hannity. I said to him, ‘Sean, you know, a war in Iraq would be a big mistake. But enough about all that. It’s Christmas time, so let me wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh hey, look at that, I just thought of that!’” Presented nonetheless with instances of prior use of the expression, Trump insisted he was the expression’s true inventor. “Call Sean Hannity! Call Sean Hannity!” Trump said. Vice President Mike Pence then entered the room and said, “Mr. President, let me handle this. Let me just say, I am so immensely proud to serve this great man, Donald Trump, the inventor of Christmas.” “I only invented the phrase, Mike,” Trump said. “Dial it down a little.” Reportedly reported by senior War on Christmas correspondent Jeff Cahlon.
Ripping the Headlines Today
By Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Libra: Ah, the scales of love: bullets weigh more than wedding rings, weddings cost more than funerals, and divorce is almost as com mon as death. Happy Valentine’s Day!
When Donald Trump Wished Nation ‘Merry Christmas,’ He Claimed to Have Invented Phrase
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Golden Globes take on Weinstein, sexual harassment, #MeToo I can’t be the only who finds it ironic a show with protests for gender equality is called the Golden Globes. Trump attends National Championship Game People are saying Trump wanted the game named after him but the name the Orange Bowl was already taken. ICE conducted sweeps of 100 7-Eleven stores The first time 7/11 and sweep have been used in the same sentence. Trump says he doesn’t want immigrants from ‘Shit Hole’ countries ‘Cuz if they all came here who’d make Ivanka’s shitty clothing line! In-N-Out Burger introduces new menu item for the first time in more than 10 years Does a defibrillator actually count? Trump claims US sold Norway a ‘F-52’ aircraft that doesn’t actually exist Really? What if it’s a stealth fighter, how would any one know for sure? ‘Look! Sorry, you missed it! Quick, look…’ RIP, Jerry Van Dyke Minnesota State University’s finest…
HUMOR TIMES
Ethiopia will no longer allow foreigners to adopt its children …Causing Angelina Jolie to complain she was one adoption away from getting her next kid free and a large order of fries. Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running for Senate in AZ He be longs in the ‘Big House,’ not the Senate. Oprah versus Trump! The win ner will be declared when Maury Povich opens an envelope. “The results are in. And, (Fill in) are not the President.” Mark Wahlberg paid $1.5M for movie reshoot, Michelle Williams got less than $1,000 He should immediately use the money to pay back people who went to see ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Wrapping your teeth in aluminum foil might actually help you make them whiter! …And get free Wi-Fi. Anthony Scaramucci on Trump’s performance: ‘I’d like to see you sing the National Anthem’ While I’d rather hear The Mooch break into,’ …can you do the Fandango?’ Trump’s lawyer paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 to keep quiet Look for a Porn movie about it called ‘I Am Curious (Orange).’
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
February, 2018
RussiaGate Trump likes to pretend he’s not worried...
but he’s considering all options.
He’s sending his team out to all the talk shows... to correct the fake news.
unless they’re on his terms.
He’s got no time for these games, he says...
Still, Trump is sneaky... and may be preparing for the worst.
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
13
Budget Buster Republicans are high on the tax bill they launched...
confident their base will love it too.
They said it was a no-brainer... and the charitable thing to do.
However, average Americans will feel the pain...
since other cuts will have to be made.
but the GOP says, “try it, you’ll like it!” Citizens may be feeling alienated...
14
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
Big Button No one knows for sure...
how it will all end.
But having these two crazies compete... is not the best case scenario.
Some fear Trump could follow through... but his handlers say it’s no problem.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong-un is trying a new tack... or at least wants us to think so.
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Nightmare
What’s Killing America’s Middle Class? The administration has its priorities...
and they don’t include dreamers.
Trump said “sh*thole” countries need not apply...
It is said that the rich and poor will always be among us — but nowhere is it written that the middle class is a sure thing. Even in this country of grand egalitarian aspirations — where the common yeoman (neither rich nor poor) has been hailed from 1776 forward as America’s greatest strength — the U.S. actually had no broad middle class until one was created in the 1930s and ’40s. Before then, most Americans either lived in poverty or right next door. And, yes, “created” is the correct term for how our middle class came to be, with two historic forces of social transformation pushing it. First, the widespread economic devastation of the Great Depression created a grassroots rebellion of labor, farmers, poor people, the elderly and others against the careless moneyed class that caused the crash. These forces produced FDR and his New Deal of Social Security, worker rights and protections, consumer laws, anti-monopoly restraints and other policies that put government on the side of the people, empowering them to counter much of the corporate greed preventing their upward mobility. Second, the government’s national mobilization for World War II created an explosion of new jobs, growth and opportunities for millions who’d long been blocked from sharing in our nation’s prosperity. The war effort opened people’s eyes, boosted confidence and raised expec ta tions, lead ing to a post-war rise in unionism, passage of the GI Bill, a housing boom and a doubling of the median family income in only 30 years. In short, by the late 1970s, we had created a middle class that included nearly 60 percent of Americans. Then — pffft — the momentum was gone. Beginning in the 1980s, right-wing Republicans and Democratic comparatists switched sides, and ever since they’ve increasingly allowed corporate lobbyists and campaign donors to disempower America’s workaday majority, further enrich themselves and impose an abominable, un-American culture of inequality across our land. Just as progressives deliberately pushed public policies to create the middle class, so are today’s economic royalists deliberately pushing plutocratic policies to destroy it. That is the momentous struggle that calls us to action this political year. As the royal triumvirate of Donald Trump, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell continue their
JIM HIGHTOWER perverse quest to turn our America into a gold-plated Trumplandistan (an exclusive realm ruled by and for the billionaire class), they keep proclaiming that their blatantly-elitists schemes will magically elevate the middle class and even the poor. We’re giving a seven-course dinner to everyone, they loudly ballyhoo! Oh, sure — and as we now see form the details of their regressive re-write of America’s tax law, the 1-percenters got a perpetual feast of foie gras, chateaubriand, bouillabaisse and other rich gour met de lights, while our seven-course dinner turns out to be a six-pack and a possum. In fact, as the non-partisan Tax Policy Center reports, 10 years from now, 83 per cent of t he ben e f i t s i n t he Trump-Ryan-McConnell tax act will be flowing to the wealthiest families, while more than half of America’s middle-income and poor people will actually see their taxes rise over the next decade. Meanwhile, this egregious giveaway to undeserving corporate elites will add between one and one-and-a-half trillion dollars to the federal deficit. No problem, says the slap-happy triumvirate, for we have a plan to cover the cost of lavishing these mega-tax cuts on the royals (including cuts for the gilded Trump family, which just happens to be one of the act’s top beneficiaries). As Trump himself explained the plan: “We’re going to go into welfare reform.” Yes, the plan is to cut such essential safety net programs as children’s health care, food stamps, jobless programs, and — as Ryan McConnell now publicly admit, they intend to cut Medicare and Social Security. What we have here is plutocracy in action — the precious few are intentionally knocking down and locking down the many to further enrich themselves. This is the reason that the social can cer of in equal ity is spread ing so rampantly in America, devouring the very middle class that Trump & Company are using — ironically and cynically — as an Orwellian rational for passing their plutocratic agenda.
but that they’re open to “compromise.”
16
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
Changing of the Guard
New Year
They seem to be retiring en masse...
After all the Christmas fairy tales...
making room for some oldie-but-goodies...
it was time for some New Year realism.
Everyone was happy to see the old year go...
and some just plain baddies...
but resolutions are hard.
but they all use the same ol’ playbook.
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2018
February, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
19
WEBSITE
Creation, Upgrades • Responsive • Get Noticed! Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination create on from scratch? Or have one, but the time spent maintaining it is taking away from other responsibilities? We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how inexpensively we can design a simple, yet quality website for you. We can work with you no matter where you live. You can trust the competent folks here at the Humor Times!
Humor Times Website Production info@humortimes.com • 916-758-8255 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816
Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!
All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice! Call 916-758-8255 or email info@humortimes.com for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding. Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816
“The Humor Times is the best time you can have with your clothes on… But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst See the subscription form on page 3! Or go to humortimes.com
Don’t be Selfish! Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today!
“Make the most you can of the Indian Hemp seed and sow it everywhere.” – George Washington, Founding Father
GET YOUR NAME in in the Humor Times! Call or email now to become a “Political Humor Sponsor” and get your name or organization listed in the next issue! 916-758-8255, info@humortimes.com.
Issue #310
February, 2018
‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Merely $2.98
Formerly the Comic Press News ®
Try Us, You’ll Love Us! World Premiere of Winter’s Waltz to Open 27th Season at California Stage
Today’s political insanity can leave you feeling blue. But don’t cry about the news, laugh about it, with the Humor Times!
Set in the 1970s New York City, two strangers embark on a cat and mouse game after one invites the other into his apartment, and they explore what it means to live and die. Written by renowned playwright Richard Broadhurst and directed by Elly award winning actor and director Janis Stevens. Starring Tori Scroggins and Loren Taylor. Jan 19th - Feb 18th Tickets: CalStage.org or call (916) 451-5822
California Stage Theater • Easy free parking available aa 25th & R St, Midtown • 916-451-5822
$20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, military, students & SARTA members. $12.00 for groups of 6 or more.
Be Our Valentine for Our
70
th
Anniversary February!
Also Available at
3199 Riverside Blvd.
448-0892
WILLIE’S
BURR'S FOUNTAIN
5050 Arden Way 4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento Fair Oaks
Valentines Special! Get the Humor Times mailed right to your door each issue! Order a subscription today!
on any sub thru Feb. 28th!*
®
Support the media you want to see! In this era of corporate-dominated media, the independent press needs your support. Feel great about supporting media that speaks truth to power, and in such an entertaining way! Get the Humor Times! We thank you. *Discount good on regular U.S. subscription rates, as shown on pg 3. You may order online (see link in the left column at humortimes.com) by using “GiftHT” in the discount code box. Or, simply fill out the form on page 3, and note “New Year Discount.” If you like, a Gift Certificate will be sent to a gift recipient in your name!
The News, Like You’ve Never Seen It Before! Reported in Hilarious Fashion, Using the Finest in Editorial Cartoons