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April, 2018
Editor’s Letter Welcome to the 27th Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times! It’s been a long, fun ride, and here’s hoping for another 27 years. I founded this publication back in April of 1991 (originally called the Comic Press News) because I believe that political humor is the best way to, not only speak truth to power, but to expose the truth, period. Humor has a way of cutting through the petty bickering and helping people to see things they might not otherwise be open to. And for those who agree with the sentiment expressed, laughing can be a cathartic release, as opposed to fretting and worrying about these divisive issues all the time. Sure, these days, readers will notice that most of the jokes herein are targeted heavily toward Republican politicians. That’s because those who wield power are always the target of lampooning. It’s the nature of the beast – always has been, and always will be. If you had read us in the Clinton years, you’d have seen us mercilessly lampooning him and the Democrats. The same with the early Obama years, when they held both houses. But right now, the Republicans hold firmly onto power in Washington, and hell, let’s face it, the White House resident at the present moment is the world’s biggest, hugest gift to political humor, ever (as he himself might say)! Never has one politician set himself up so well and so consistently to be the deserving brunt of so many jokes. We are only too happy to oblige. So, now that you’ve discovered the Humor Times, why not give a subscription to friends and family who enjoy intelligent political humor? You will be helping to support independent media, and these days, that’s very important. Thank you very much! – James Israel, Editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 312, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.
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April, 2018
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3
Trade Warrior The president prefers doing things on his own...
and can be quite spontaneous...
and could backfire very easily.
which is not always the best thing...
“Thanks to me, the economy is booming,” he said...
“and it was easy to do.”
and safe.
Everyone is happy, he said...
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
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HUMOR TIMES
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The Cafeteria Lady Is Packing Heat President Donald Trump tossed out some wacky nonsense, saying we should arm teachers, which encouraged the press and public to go nuts debating this ludicrous suggestion, totally ignoring commonsense remedies like banning civilians from purchasing weapons whose sole function is to kill the most people in the shortest time. The man is not as dumb as he looks, which at last count was considerable. That was just one of the president’s multiple responses to the latest in a distressing series of school shootings. He was all over the map like a class of apprentice cartographers in the belly of a garbage scow during a category 4 typhoon. First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for saying he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationary targets, yes. Stationery, no. During a listening session with relatives and survivors of various school massacres he was photographed carrying a cheat sheet reminding him to say “I hear you.” His staff is apparently aware that hearing people in a listening session is not his first instinct. Listen, is what people do to him, not he to them. Trump also promised to focus on mental health issues, forgetting that one of his first moves as POTUS was erasing rules that restricted some mentally ill from purchasing firearms. Like Germany complaining they don’t have any decent Jewish delis anymore. “Now is not the time to politicize the gun issue.” Why is the time to talk about guns always later? “Now?” “No, later.” “Now?” “No, later.” And repeat. Now is the time to talk about mental health issues. Voting to fund programs to deal with those issues is a different story.
The NRA says the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The problem with good guys with guns is a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school. Giving guns to teachers, what a great idea. Probably cut down on tardiness, note passing and backtalk as well, not to mention making faculty meetings and parent teacher conferences a lot more interesting. The penalty for truancy is a flesh wound. As with most of 45’s ideas, details were murky, but this plan could easily lead to arming janitors, crossing guards and cafeteria ladies. Although many would argue that school lunches were already weaponized during the Reagan Administration. Besides, 20% of American teachers equals 700,000 people. Do they all get the same gun? Would these teachers going heavy be appointed or volunteers? Or would most folks offered guns spontaneously develop bone spurs like somebody else we know? Think back: how many of your high school teachers would you have confidently armed? The ex-Marine wrestling coach? The English teacher who spaced out during John Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn?” The librarian regularly hitting her flask behind the stacks? Sister Mary Uzi? And you do realize that once teachers start carrying Roscoes, it’s only a matter of time before kids themselves feel the need to start packing. “I’m going to study hall. Cover me.” Midterm Malfunctions Okay, Democrats, settle down. Drop the confetti and back away from the champagne. Stop punching each other in the arm, making with the whoop-whoop noises. Straighten your tie. These celebrations need to be put on hold. They are as premature as
WILL DURST
counting your chickens before they cross the road to a bridge that hasn’t been burned yet. Sure, you might have had a few encouraging outcomes in some special elections and early midterm primaries, but those are as fleeting as the New York City Ballet dreams of an overweight third-grader in her first pair of toe shoes. Do not be deceived into thinking that reclaiming the House of Representatives in November is a fast- break, slam-dunk because if anybody could blow a lead this late in the game, it’s you. And, the Atlanta Falcons, of course. President Donald Trump’s approval rating could sink lower than the pressure-release screw on the bottom of a submarine sewer hose, and Democrats still couldn’t stir the electorate with a crowbar the size of Chile. You are the kings and queens of tying your shoelaces together and tripping over your own feet. Have the killer instinct of mud. Possess the uncanny ability to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory through the tiniest dental window. Hold the Guinness book record for accidentally rolling over on the self-destruct button and blowing everything you stand for to smithereens. On that rare occasion you take a stand. And right now, multitudes of ways to throw a monkey wrench into the midterms remain within your grasp. It may be over a half a year away. But to you do-gooder, pooch-screwing, over-thinkers, it’s a lifetime. The following is not just the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible but the crust on the nostrils of the dead donkey curled around the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible. Ways Dem o crats Could Screw Up the Midterms: • Lousy candidates. As we’ve seen in the past, your bench is full of them. • Horrible timing. You people would wear Yankees hats to Fenway Park on Nickel Beer Night. • Dearth of issues. You attempt to paint yourself as Republicans with a brain and a heart. Failing to realize that lacking a brain and a heart is the GOP’s base appeal. • Trusting the media. Yes, many reporters and correspondents are smart liberals. But most of their bosses are smarter conservatives. Who love Donald J. Trump for being a dumpster fire that attracts eyeballs. • Getting drunk at the prom and wrecking daddy’s T-Bird again. • Barbra Streisand. At the last minute she tries to help. • Hillary Clinton. Writes another book. • Exhibit Fear. Don’t ever forget the electorate can smell it. • Stormy Daniels. Entices Bill Clinton and/or Anthony Weiner into being pen- pals. • Trivial stuff. Huge ugly public fights over whether the latest presidential rebuke should be printed with black or blue ink. • Eating your own. Does the term Al Franken have any meaning here? • Nancy Pelosi. She talks for another 8 hours causing people to remember, “Oh yeah, she’s still the Head Dem, right?” • Two words. Bernie freaking Sanders. Donald • Underestimating Trump. Especially his allure to that segment of America that believes professional wrestling is legitimate. • And finally: Two more words. Elizabeth freaking Warren. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-tour ing po lit i cal comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St. themarsh.org. See willdurst .com for calendar listings.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
Of Trolls, ’Bots and Witches The “witch hunt” is having some success...
but not all robots are helpful.
Trump insists there’s no “there” there...
and that he’s making only the greatest deals.
But what the president fears most... can’t be covered up with boasting.
Everyone around him is getting nervous... while most of the country is just getting impatient.
April, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Getting Out While the Getting’s Good “Good help is hard to find, believe me,” says the prez...
and the White House is getting pretty spooky.
But Trump said they’re finding qualified candidates...
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and that he knows how to treat them right.
One guy refuses to go, though.
The prez still wants to keep his favorite around...
despite his plummeting fortunes.
Meanwhile, Trump continues to use his favorite line.
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
Nuclear Arm Wrestling Tourney What could possibly go wrong?
Who knows, they could find common ground.
Meanwhile, someone else wants attention too...
and another leader is set for life.
Stormy “David Dennison’s” hush agreement didn’t stay quiet...
but evangelical preachers saw only a pious prez.
and hoping his client can hold it together.
Trump’s lawyer is pulling out all the stops...
April, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
midtown
Trump to Hire Miss Universe Contestants as Staff to Foil Mueller Probe An anonymous source To counter criticisms within the White House of nep o tism and keep has just revealed a new Jared Kushner on as his tac tic that Pres i dent advisor, he has ordered Trump is planning to use Kushner and Ivanka to to undermine the Mueller initiate a legal separaprobe. The move is caltion for his term of ofc u l a t e d t o s i m ul t afice. neously squelch stories There are rumors and about so many White concerns, however, reHouse staff va can cies garding Kuchner’s menSome of the Miss Universe contestants being due to res ig na tion or tal health, due to his considered for White House staff vacancies. firing. pre car i ous fi nances. Trump has ordered that as many positions as Desperate to find a way to acquire the over one possible be filled with last year’s Miss Universe billion dollars that comes due next year, he has Pageant contestants with a D cup or larger, so hired aides whose sole task is to purchase lottery the buttons will be prominently displayed. This tickets across the country. is also an attempt to raise the President’s spirits Meanwhile, Ivanka is planning to leave her after the loss of his longtime eye candy, Hope White House position to become the Trump Hicks. Corporation ambassador, directly handling all Trump also plans on play ing off of the communication with and hotel arrangements for #MeToo movement with buttons that will be foreign dignitaries, particularly those visiting worn by all staffers with #NOTMETOO in bold the White House. As part of the her concierge letters. Accompanying billboards will have the services, she will be taking the corporate jet to same hashtag emblazoned across a photo of vil- handle her guests’ business on the Cayman lagers carrying torches following Mueller to- Islands. ward the White House. Reported by Diane de Anda.
Announcing Weekday Breakfast! Monday - Friday 7 am - 11 am Starting Monday, April 2, 2018
Hope Hicks Resigns to Spend More Time Lying to Her Family Hope Hicks announced Wednesday that she will resign as White House communications director, citing the time-consuming nature of the position and the strains this has placed on her family. “Being White House communications director is an extremely demanding job,” Hicks said at a press conference. “I’ve been spending so much time lying to the American people I just haven’t had any time to devote to lying to my family.” Hicks added that, “Serving as White House communications director has been a tremendous honor. Though it’s true that I’ve had to occasionally tell a little white lie, on the other hand I’ve also told some really big, black ones.” Asked what she would miss most about her job, Hicks said, “That’s easy. I’ll miss working with President Trump. He has taught me so much. For example, one of the first things he told me was, white lies are good. That’s why they are called white.” Asked about her future plans, Hicks said, “I
want to take what I’ve learned in this job and ap ply it to my next adventures. I’m so grateful for the opportunity President Trump gave me. I believe the experience of lying daily to the media and public will serve me very well, not only in my next job but when I’m home lying to my family. “Of course, lying to the public is fun,” Hicks added. “But there is something very special about lying to your family. And I want to do more of that. “In fact,” Hicks continued, “I’m going to start doing more of that right away. So I want to conclude with a very special message to my family: I love you all!” Reported by Jeff Cahlon.
Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2018 Aries: Happy Birthday, fi ery, egotistical Ram! If you weren’t so sure of yourself, you’d be quite intolerable, but as it is, you capture attention like a fancy new ring – with or without a real gemstone. Taurus: Bulls are large, scary animals. Venus, your planetary ruler, is a sensuous beauty. Like a salad from McDonald’s, the cosmic sky is still trying to figure-out where the hell you fit in. Gemini: This month, one side of you is likely to feel like the fiery, egotistical Ram. Embrace this and enjoy being able to make a decision – because just like a bipartisan law, it isn’t going to last long. Cancer: The Moon calls you to be especially daring this month, to brave the world outside, but it’s not going to change anything. After all, Republicans can claim to be Libertarians all they want, but the parties will still go on without them.
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Trump Won’t Rule Out Nuclear First Strike in Trade War Act ing pres i dent Don ald Trump has increased the rhetoric surrounding a looming trade war by sug gest ing that he would not rule out using a nuclear first strike against foreign producers of steel and aluminum. “We have a massively bad, and frankly negative, trade deficit, folks,” said Trump. “I know it’s bad because there is a negative symbol right
Ripping the Headlines Today
By Jennifer Hollie Bowles Libra: Happy Easter! Just enjoy yourself and forget that eggs and bunnies have nothing to do with it, and perverts are never going to stop hunting for children posing in skivvies for Sears ads. Scor pio: The uni verse has granted you an uncanny understanding of esoteric concepts. It’s just too bad this culture sees the concept of resurrection as an opportunity to barf pastel colors and pimp chocolate bunnies. Sagittarius: Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is full of amazing, positive – expansive energies, but just remember, a stockpile of Cadbury eggs will only expand your waistline. Capricorn: The life journey of a Capricorn is a slow, uphill climb. Even fellow Goat Jim Carrey said: “It’s nice to fi nally get scripts offered to me that aren’t the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.”
Leo: Rarr! Yeah, we can hear you just fine, but in the end, you’re just like a puppet politician – meowing at nothing with great vigor and lack of purpose.
Aquar ius: You’re likely concerned about recent news – just like every other American who slurps up the jargon of mainstream media instead of challeng ing the om ni pres ence of political corruption.
Virgo: This month, planetary energies ask you to do the impossible: analyze social structures and mainstream culture without wanting a zombie apocalypse to occur.
Pisces: Not only will you feel like a fish out of water this month, but you’ll also feel like Trump in a bathing suit – with the shape of a blowfish, and the poisonous insides to go along with it.
on the front of the number. It’s bad and I’m going to level the play ing field one way or another.” According to trade expert Barry Manilow, such a strike would mark only the eighteenth time a sitting U.S. president had vaporized trade partners due to a feeble grasp on basic economics. Reported by StubhillNews.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Trump accepts offer to meet with Kim Jong Un Look for it to sponsored by the ‘Hair Club for Madmen.’ ‘Pharma Bro’ gets 7 years in prison in securities fraud case Here’s hoping whatever he buys in prison cost 1000X what it costs other prisoners… Oscar ratings hit all-time low Meaning, if the ratings get any lower it, too, can one day be President. Weinstein Company investors back out of deal Which, ironically, is how women had to leave his office to be safe. Bones found in 1940 likely belong to Amelia Earhart, researcher claims While there’s no chance they’ll ever find her luggage…
‘Get Out’ wins best original screenplay at Oscars Boy, Trump is gonna be pissed when he finds out ‘Get Out’ isn’t about his immigration policy. Fox News host Jesse Watters to divorce after cheating on wife with 25-year-old employee Look for his new show ‘Fox and Friends with Benefits.’ Should employers keep testing workers for pot? …only if they want to make sure they bring enough for everyone. CNN’s Chris Cuomo reminds Ted Cruz that his name is Rafael after Senator releases ad mocking challenger’s name …and that he has no alibi for Zodiac killings. Happy 31st birthday, rapper Bow Wow Or, happy 4 and 1/2 in Bow Wow years.
Top economic adviser Gary Cohn leaves White House in wake of tariff rift But, I hear there were good people on both sides.
CNN’s Erin Burnett to Sam Nunberg: I smell alcohol on your breath In case you were wondering where all that unsold Trump Vodka went.
Florida lawmakers send gun-control bill to Governor, includes plan to arm teachers That means Florida is now a ‘Stand Your Ground’ and a ‘Stand Your Playground’ State.
Kelly Ripa secretly ‘livid’ about Ryan Seacrest scandal: ‘This is her show’ No word if Seacrest patted her on the butt and told her: ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, it’ll be ok, Sweet Cheeks.’
HUMOR TIMES
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
April, 2018
The Prez Trump wants to honor the military...
and himself.
His White House is a family affair... and everything is going just swell.
April, 2018
He’s a supporter of the #MenToo movement...
but is too humble to call attention to himself.
Trump is not afraid to put people in their place...
and imagines himself among the greatest.
HUMOR TIMES
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The Not-So-Well-Regulated Un-Militia To say things have gotten out of hand...
is a bit of an understatement.
Military-grade weapons shouldn’t be easy to acquire...
and mental health is only part of the problem.
Some say we should arm teachers...
And would it really work?
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but what would that really look like?
What teachers really need, they’re not getting. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
The teens getting shot at aren’t taking it lying down...
and that’s making the old guard nervous.
They’re facing a huge obstacle... and don’t need your platitudes any more...
nor do they intend to be ignored.
Meanwhile, Trump said he would’ve handled it...
like he handles everything...
April, 2018
that is worthy of his attention. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
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The Hightower Lowdown
Un-Militia (conclusion) The whole issue is really cramping 45’s style...
and as the NRA continues to lobby...
politicians continue to feign concern...
Everybody Does Better When Everybody Does Better My father, W.F. “High” Hightower, was a populist. Only, he didn’t know it — didn’t know the word, much less the history or anything about populism’s rich democratic ethos. But he knew about bankers who regularly squeezed small-business families like ours with usurious interest rates. He knew how rough it was for a local business to fight off deep-pocketed chain stores that use predatory pricing and sledgehammer advertising budgets to seize local markets. And he saw with his very own eyes that the governor and legislature in faraway Austin operated as subsidiaries of Big Oil, the utility monopolies, and the other giants that were allowed to profit by picking the pockets of the general public. He and my mother, Lillie, knew one other thing, too: There was once a Democratic Party that stood up for regular folks and actively promoted the ethic of the common good. Having been raised on hard-scrabble Texas farms and come of age in the Depression, they didn’t see the New Deal through ideological glasses, but simply as the help they and the rest of America needed — a path out of both depression and the Depression. That path eventually allowed my parents to scramble into America’s lower middle class. Moreover, the New Deal’s outreach gave my father, who was not at all philosophical, a phrase that he used occasionally to express the gist of his political beliefs: “Everybody does better when everybody does better.” That is Populism. Neither right nor left, Republican or Democrat — it is not based on ideology, but on two gut-level fundamentals: our people’s historic aspiration for a society and nation of fairness, justice and equal opportunity for all; and the actual life experience of people who see those values routinely trampled by domineering elites. Populism is not an empty word for lazy reporters to attach to any angry spasm of popular discontent. But Populism has been the chief political impulse in America’s body politick — determinedly democratic, vigilantly resistant to the oppressive power of corporations and Wall Street, committed to grassroots percolate-up economics and firmly rooted in my old Daddy’s concept of “Everybodyness,” recognizing that we’re all in this together. Although it was organized into a formal movement for only about 25 years, Populism
JIM HIGHTOWER has had an outsized, long-term and ongoing impact on our culture, public policies, economic structure, and governing systems. Even though its name is often misused and its history largely hidden, and even though neither major party will embrace it (much less become it), there are many more people today whose inherent political in stincts are Pop u list, rather than conservative or liberal. Yet the pundits and politicos frame our choices entirely in terms of that narrow con-lib ideological spectrum, ignoring the very large fact that most of us are neither, or a bit of both. Our nation’s true political spectrum is not right to left, but top to bottom. People can locate themselves along this vertical rich-to-poor spread, for this is not a theoretical positioning: It’s based on our real-world experience with money and power. This is America’s real politics. Forget the ideological screeds and partisan posturing that pass for “political debate” these days. “Left wing, chicken wing,” Woody Guthrie said dismissively of such rhetorical squabbles. Our system of representative government has, in a word, collapsed. Most in Congress are not even trying anymore — not listening to the people, not talking their language, not even knowing any regular folks and obviously not representing their interests. But what we also have is a ripening political opportunity for a revitalized, 21st century Populist movement. Mass movements don’t just magically appear out of the fog, fully grown, structured and mobilized. They emerge in fits and starts over many years, just as the American Revolution did, and as did the Populists’ original idea of a “cooperative commonwealth.” A successful people’s movement has to take the long view, to learn about itself as it builds, nurture the culture of its people, take chances, create fun for all involved, adapt to failures and successes, stay steadfast to its big principles, have a stoic tenacity — and organize, organize, organize. A little serendipity helps, too, so grab it when you can.
and offer up more of the same.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
Surprise, Surprise!
Immigration
The PA 18th special election was a referendum...
The Atty. Gen. said he’d find a home for immigrants...
one that the president lost... but he came down hard on California.
The policy may be somewhat selective...
and establishment Dems could learn a lot from.
but it’s strict… for some. Meanwhile, gerrymandering ain’t as easy as it used to be.
April, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2018
April, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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April, 2018
Issue #312
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