Humor Times, May 2018

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Ironside, directed by Gillian Bagwell - April 27, 8PM and April 28, 2PM Early Kings of England battle it out for supremacy in a surprise ending. The London Prodigal, directed by Maggie Upton - May 4, 8PM and May 5, 2PM A father returns home to find his son has become a complete debaucher. The Puritan, directed by Megan Cooper - May 11, 8PM, and May 12, 2PM A widow to a kindly gentleman of repute falls prey to poor judgment. A Yorkshire Tragedy, directed by Michele Koehler - May 18, 8PM and May 19, 2PM Terror in the Recounting of a true murder mystery of Elizabethan England. Lord Thomas Cromwell, directed by Gail Dartez - May 25, 8PM and May 26, 2PM April 27-May 26th The Rise and Fall of Cromwell, the “go to it” henchman of King Henry VIII. More info at www.calstage.org

Wilkerson Theatre in the R25 Arts Complex aa 25th & R St, Midtown • Easy free parking available • 916-451-5822

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HUMOR TIMES

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May, 2018


Editor’s Letter With the latest revelations in the Donald Trump “presidential reality TV show,” it seems that the end may be near for this whole sordid chapter in America’s recent history. The office and home of Trump’s “fixer” have been raided by the FBI, and as a result, facts are coming out supporting the Steele dossier and evidence of massive money laundering by the Trump crime family. This seems to indicate the beginning of the end for the Tweeter-in-Chief. The whole sleazy and undignified tale has created an indelible stain on our republic. Talk about “SAD”!!! It’s amazing that a sitting president is engaged in so many varied and contemptuous scandals. Any one of the storylines involving this minority-elected former B-grade reality TV star would have, in the past, been enough to sink a politician. Yet, here we still are. Indeed, it is sad that this so-called leader reflects so poorly on our country. From an affair with a porn star just after his son’s birth, to money-laundering services for Russian oligarchs, to the coddling of dictators, to the sad effect the president’s appointees have had on our environment, our public schools, our judiciary, our economy and the rule of law; to, worst of all, the nearly incomprehensible truth that so many still support this cheap, tawdry charlatan. However, there are signs of hope on the horizon – if we can survive the mass destruction being currently perpetrated on our nation and our culture. Millions of young people are coming of voting age who seem to be very aware, socially conscious and emotionally evolved for their age. This is dramatically evidenced by the activism of the Parkland students and so many more, their inspiration sparked by the current corrupt administration – the one good thing it has accomplished. But we’ve seen this movie before. For it to conclude positively, all this energy must be carried through, all the way to the ballot box – particularly in a non-presidential election year, like this next one. And all citizens must do their due diligence, regarding national and local races. It’s not going to be easy, not with the rigged gerrymandering advantage party in power has finagled. But nothing worth accomplishing ever is. Let’s create a record turnout for this next election, and begin to Make America Sane Again. – James Israel, Editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 313, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com

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Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.

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May, 2018

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Friendless By the time the problem was recognized...

it was much too late.

People were shocked...

but perhaps should not have been.

but ol’ Zucky didn’t want to cause a stir.

Other folks found it very useful...

but he may have regretted some things. (continued)

Not that he was very apologetic...

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2018


Friendless (conclusion) There were security ramifications...

and a lot of questions.

But Zuckerberg definitely has all the answers...

and the whole issue may soon be moot.

Stormy Trump still insists it’s not true...

but even his base could not agree.

Even his lawyer is in big trouble...

May, 2018

and that’s never good.

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Circus Trump Like Cirque de Soleil, the Donald Trump Circus has many touring productions. The Oval Office. The White House. The Cabinet. Both Republican held Houses of Congress. It’s a wacky zany five-ring spectacle chock-full of tightrope walkers, ethical contortionists, trained animals, morally challenged acrobats and logic jugglers. And don’t forget the clowns. Lots and lots of clowns. The US Marine Band should be playing “Hail to the Chief” on a calliope. Wherever POTUS 45 goes or threatens to go or even mentions that going might be a possibility, the cameras don’t miss any of the kinetic lunacy. All action choreographed by the Golden Canopy in his role as Ringmaster Deluxe. He is a world-class expert in prestidigitation and knows his part well. Which may be why the cast changes faster than free beer disappears at a frat party celebrating a homecoming win over Alabama. The Trump Circus performers are replace6d at a rate that would shock an assistant manager on the graveyard shift at McDonald’s. John Bolton has stomped into the Big Top as our new strongman. The man with the scariest mustache in the world. Due to be our third National Security Advisor. The second one almost didn’t quit. First one — still under indictment. Bolton’s credentials consist mostly of sucking up to his new boss like a turbo vacuum cleaner on pharmaceutical strength steroids. When appointed Ambassador to the United Nations by George W Bush, Bolton described his approach as one of Tough Love. With the emphasis on the adjective. Others call it Rabid Foaming at the Mouth With an Unattached Ear Hanging Out of Your Teeth Love. Geek Love. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was fired for many reasons: arguing with the boss, disagreeing with the boss and calling the

boss a moron. Which goes down in a relationship as well as a foot-long fish bone. And Secretary of Veterans Affairs, David Shulkin says he was fired for resisting the privatization of his administration’s care but the White House claims he resigned. Sounds like someone doesn’t want to pony up for unemployment. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, our Attorney General and Scott Pruitt, the Director of the EPA, are not just skating but performing triple axels on thin ice. Sessions in deep elephant doo-doo for recusing himself in the Russia Matter and Pruitt for renting an apartment from a lobbyist who had multiple clients with business in front of his department. Pretty much the definition of conflict of interest. Seriously, look it up. In the first fifteen months of this current production, we’ve lost 3 White House Communications Directors. The Secretaries of State, Veterans Affairs, Health & Human Services. 2 National Security Advisors. One Deputy National Security Advisor. An Attorney General. An FBI Director. Deputy FBI Director. Director of the CDC. Director of the Office of Government Ethics. Director of NASA. Director of National Economic Council. Chief of staff. Chief strategist. Chief aide to the Chief strategist. Chief usher. The Surgeon general. Umpteen personal aides, two turtle doves, a Priebus and an Omarosa. Some worry that the Ringmaster will run out of lackeys, minions and stooges. But no matter how many quit, resign or slink off quietly in the night, never fear. There’s plenty more replacement toadies that can be called up from that junior league circus known as… Fox News.

Baseball and the Rites of Spring Easter is a most peculiar holiday, which is saying something,

WILL DURST

considering so many other religious festivities litter our calendar. For instance, it’s the only one with pink and lavender decorations. Also, no other holy day shares such an obsession with hard-boiled eggs, chocolate bunnies, jellybeans and plastic grass. And it boasts a singular connection to bonnets. Another odd aspect is Easter’s ability to travel, falling on the Sunday after the first full moon following the Vernal Equinox. Meaning it can roll from March 22 to April 25. Sort of like your weird Aunt Hazel who visits every year about this time, but can’t commit to a date until she nails down the cheapest bus ticket. The celebration goes back, back, back to olden timey days when our pagan ancestors paid homage to a goddess named Esther who was prone to dance to honor the season of fertility and had a proclivity for hanging out with bunnies, which sort of explains the egg connection. The egg being a symbol of fecundity with the promise of abundance. Be fruitful and multiply. Bringing us back to the bunnies. Chocolate seems to have been a recent addition. And not an altogether bad one. Besides being the Anti-Halloween, Easter is the oldest of Christian celebrations, and possibly based on the Jewish holiday of Passover. It’s a very serious enterprise, interweaving death and rebirth but for many of us, the spring festival harkening another resurrection. The mark of a different new beginning. When Christ comes out of his cave, sees his shadow and baseball season starts. It happens every spring. Forget about your robins and cherry blossoms and those spongy yellow marshmallow peeps that taste like how day-glo sponges look, it’s the first crack of the bat in a regular season game that’s the true harbinger that a season of plenty is nigh. Winter doesn’t officially expire until that moment each roster’s ace hurls a three-inch diameter clean white sphere with 108 red double stitches sixty feet and six inches in anger. The longer days and warmer temperatures are just a byproduct of the Boys of Sum mer get ting an early start. Because when folks throw out the phrase, “wait till next year,” this is the moment they were talking about, when our souls and rosters have been refreshed and every parishioner and patron awakes anew with a theoretical chance to go the distance and win it all. To joyously hoist a heavenly trophy and spray champagne into each other’s eyes in a thought less waste of perfectly good sparkling wine. It’s a marathon quest to survive a brutal 162 game season and best all the other teams to reign as World Series Cham pi ons. Al though that anointment continues to be suspect with 29 of the 30 teams hailing from the USA, and the remaining one being Canadian, which many consider, American Lite. But from now until halfway between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice we will make our pilgrimages to those cathedrals of worship and ritually feast on the warm ca nines and quaff exorbitantly expensive beer and raise our voices to sing that most holy of hymns, “Take Me Out t o t he Ballgame.” Because this is that magical time, when the slate has been wiped clean and hope springs eter nal. Play ball. And don a bonnet. Will Durst is an awardwin ning, na tion ally acclaimed, often-touring political comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St. themarsh .org. See willdurst.com for calendar listings.

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May, 2018


‘Booming’ Economy Bombing Tax time made it clearer than ever...

that Congress isn’t working for average Americans.

Teachers are barely surviving... and Trump’s trade war isn’t helping.

Tariffs are Making America Gag Again... and putting the brakes on the stock market.

Their “cure” is worse than the disease they caused... but maybe it’s all part of the plan.

May, 2018

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Damage Done It’s not looking good for the GOP right now...

and when the going gets tough – well, never mind.

Ryan gave all the usual excuses...

but the truth can be read between the lines.

He may talk a good game...

but the real story is obvious.

They’re already grooming his replacement...

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and planning their strategy to retain power.

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May, 2018


Witch’s Brew Trump continued to stir the pot...

while ignoring sound advice.

Congressional Repubs say Mueller is in no danger... and that the prez is concerned only with pressing matters.

Trump couldn’t resist congratulating Putin...

but was getting a little uncomfortable.

An old friend returned to offer help...

May, 2018

while his enablers continued to look the other way.

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


‘We Report, You Decry!’

Trump Twitter Habit is ‘Sexual Sublimation,’ Says Psychiatrist WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre behavior, including his unhinged twitter habit, is the product of ex treme and persistent sexual deprivation, ac cord ing to Dr Hyman Schadenfreud, newly-ap pointed pres idential psychiatrist at the White House. “Ze poor man is goink inzane,” Dr Schadenfreud said pityingly, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Times. “Ever zince ze Shtormy Daniels revelations, Frau Trump has been refusink all zexual relations vis him, und as ve all know, his little fingers must grab pussy at least vunce a day.” Dr Schadenfreud, who was appointed White House shrink in March at the request of Trump’s “desperate” Chief-of-Staff, John Kelly, said that Mrs Trump had finally come “unshtuck” when she learned of the Stormy Daniels affair. “Und vun cannot blame ze poor voman,” Dr

Schadenfreud said. “After all, ze Fuhrer, excuse me, ze President, vos apparently shticking his vick in Fraulein Daniels almost on ze very day Melania was givink birth to yunk Barron. Even for an experienced zychiatrist such as myzelf, zis shtinks.” Instead of “Shpanky,” the doctor revealed, his staff now refer to Trump as “Vanky,” due to his predilec tion for be ing whacked on his tighty- whities with copies of financial magazines. The President’s psychiatrist noted that his fixation on busty blondes who resemble his oldest daughter was no coincidence. “Actually,” he snorted with a twinkle, “I privately refer to her as ‘Iwanker,’ if you get my meanink.” He added that Trump’s obsession with Fox News is partly a result of its policy of featuring leggy blondes in short skirts. Reported by Michael Egan.

Clinton Made Trump President to Embarrass Conservatives, Says Alex Jones The depths of Hillary Clinton’s depravity has reached a new low, according to Alex Jones, as he is now accusing Clinton of installing her puppet Donald Trump as president. “Folks, I don’t know how I could have been so blind to this treachery,” said Jones. “But it’s now obvious to me that Trump is a deep-state plant, put their by the Clinton Industrial Complex to make us conservatives look bad. Hil lary She-Devil™ Clinton put this man in the oval office to embarrass true patriots into political obscurity.” Jones, a popular crisis actor and broadcaster within the conspiracy media, engaged in a rare moment of candor by abandoning entirely the Jones persona that is central to his long-running act. “Folks, this is the first time Alex the man and not Alex the character is addressing you,” began

Jones. “When I started this show I didn’t believe any of this stuff. But now I know in my heart of hearts that there’s no way such an erratic,

low-intelligence man could have gotten this far without a secret government cabal working tirelessly to assure his success.” At press time, Jones was growing increasingly incandescent. Reported by StubhillNews.com

Stormy Daniels and President Trump Settle: She is to Replace Sanders as Press Secretary An anonymous source in the White House has just in formed this re porter that an out-of-court settlement has been reached between Stormy Daniels and President Trump. She has agreed to drop her lawsuit and turn over all evidence, and in return, Daniels will be replac ing Sa rah Huckabee Sanders as Press Secretary. Sources report that Ms Daniels is “thrilled” by the settlement, because this will be the first time she will appear before cameras with her clothes on. She is quoted as saying that her and Donald Trump’s positions just prove that to make it to the top, “you don’t have to follow the traditional goody two shoes” career path. Ms Daniels also hopes to be an inspiration and role model for call girls everywhere, whom she refers to as “an unrecognized minority” subjected to discrimination and defamation with impunity. As might be expected, First Lady Melania Trump is furious about the agreement, and had to be physically restrained when Ms Daniels passed by her office. Subsequently, Mr Trump agreed to an addendum to the agreement to provide the new press secretary with her own secret service protection.

The only part of the settlement that is still under negotiation is whether Daniels will have to wear underwear during her press conferences.

“The Broadway Rain Series” Exhibition Free n! issio

Adm Sarah Sanders will be kept on as her assistant, tasked to write introductory scripts of important news items from the President for Ms Daniels to present. Sanders will accompany Daniels to answer any questions from the press. Sanders will also be the one briefed by the President following an incident in which the Mr Trump was unable to stand up from behind his desk and greet dignitaries who entered his office immediately after his meeting with Ms Daniels. Reported by Diane de Anda.

Horoscopes for Jerks: May 2018

Libra: “This too shall pass” may be your motto, but in all that passing, don’t be like an inactive Millennial and forget the living.

Taurus: This Memorial Day, remember that for every lost loved one, there’s a star in the sky that will not be named after them.

Scorpio: You can get away with a lot of manipulation, but eventually that shit will catch up with you. After all, Charles Manson was a Scorpion, and he never killed anyone.

Can cer: Happy Birth day, crabby Moon people! Come on now – peek your little head out of that shell a minute and pretend there’s no threat of World War 3. Leo: Just when you think you’ve won them over, you’ll be faced with a horrible truth: most people are id i ots and don’t know the difference between a shal low show-boat and a genuinely charismatic person. Virgo: This month, planetary energies provide you with an extremely important life lesson: organize your living space instead of the supplies of your video game characters.

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Sag it tar ius: Your big ass helps you plant your feet to shoot those arrows, but just like a corporate endorsed lobbyist, it doesn’t help cover-up your shit any better. Capricorn: Saturn, your ruling planet, reminds you that the grass is greener on the other side – but only when you don’t appreciate what you have, like a fat American whining about too few nugget sauces. Aq u a r i u s: F e l l o w Wa t e r Pitcher, Edward Clovis Waterbury, advises: “Repeat after me, the relationship between me and several celestial bodies of indeterminate distances has no effect on my future.” Pisces: If you find yourself more concerned with rampant mental health issues than gun control, do not share this information with conservatives or liberals: they will call you crazy.

Live Musi c!

Featuring: The James Israel Band • Starting 7pm

Saturday, May 12th • 5pm-9pm Patris Studio Gallery 3460 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA • (916) 397-8958 Gallery open most days and always by appointment. Info: 916-397-8958.

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles

Aries: The Universe – completely unfettered by emotional concerns – reminds you that love has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Gemini: Retrograde Mercury says: instead of communicating with your usual ease, you’ll get tripped-up by your duality and make a fool of yourself like a drunk celebrity.

2nd Saturday Art Walk

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Five arrested for holding illegal rave in abandoned Toys ‘R’ Us Malibu Barbie released on bail. Zuckerberg tangles with Congress over ‘Facebook’ Yeah, but, I can’t be the only who thinks the first question they should have asked Zuckerberg was ‘What’s on your mind?’ Michael Cohen: Trump’s lawyer raided ‘over payments to porn star Stormy Daniels and former Playboy playmate’ Y’know, if the FBI wanted to find Michael Cohen’s Stormy Daniels and Playboy Playmate stuff, they shoulda just sent in his mom … ‘cause moms can always find where you hid your porn. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will retire from Congress So, it’s official: Paul Ryan is running from office. Trump calls James Comey a ‘proven leaker’ …which is something Trump usually pays extra for. The Menendez brothers have been reunited in prison – CNN Well, for society’s sake, thank God, it wasn’t the Jonas Brothers.

HUMOR TIMES

‘Hamilton’ sets records at British ‘Olivier Awards’ Guess the Brits have finally gotten over that Revolutionary War thing… 5.0 Earthquake hits L.A …but it’s really hard to tell if anyone’s frightened because of all the Botox. Is Trump military strategy based on the novel ‘Camp of the Saints?’ Gotta be fake news; no way Trump read a book. Sonic puts up sign asking customers to stop smoking weed in drive-thru … and to smoke by the garbage bins like civilized people. New York Police Department looking for Conor McGregor following bus attack FOX News: McGregor that’s a Muslim name, right? 9 month pregnant Khloé Kardashian ‘heartbroken’ over reports of Tristan Thompson cheating These people don’t have kids, they have plot twists. It’s National Library Workers’ Day Spread the word… quietly. Donations to the NRA tripled after the Parkland shooting Damn, that’s a lot of Rubles!

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

May, 2018


Minority Party

TV Time There’s only one way to get Trump to pay attention...

Dems still miss Obama and hate Trump...

for a lot of reasons. and one place he takes his cues.

Very few things are worth celebrating... But there’s a new kid on the block...

and it’s competing hard for Fox’s #1 viewer.

and that probably won’t change any time soon.

May, 2018

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The Prez With everyone leaving the White House...

the president has been left on his own.

and in the adoration of his loyal followers. He finds comfort in sweets...

but it’s actually very lonely on top. Trump’s confusion confuses everyone...

or may ever be again. Things are not what they used to be...

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May, 2018


All the President’s Men Trump has brought certain talents to the presidency...

and doesn’t need any help.

His cabinet reflects his own tastes... and many of the same skill sets.

His EPA head values profit over the environment...

but is now feeling the heat.

Trump surrounds himself with war mongers...

May, 2018

so don’t be surprised when all hell breaks loose.

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The Hightower Lowdown

Immigration The border is being militarized...

as is the whole immigration policy.

The new census is tricky for immigrants...

A Regime of Austerity Versus the Common Good Sometimes, it’s useful to state the obvious. Here’s a fact, for example, that we all know to be true: America’s economy is enormous. It’s worth saying that out loud and repeating it to ourselves and others, because today’s Powers That Be (economic, political and media) are wrongly forcing a regime of austerity on our nation. They’re insisting that we hoi polloi must downsize our middle class dreams, claiming that America no longer has the wherewithal to do big things. Their narrow and pessimistic prescription for our future is not only at odds with the American spirit, but also at odds with the facts. The wealth of this nation is naturally huge and expansive — thanks to such fundamentals as the sheer size and diversity of our land, the breadth and depth of our natural resources and especially the can-do attitude of our enterprising and hardworking people. Far from shrinking down, we have the economic strength today to be spreading the middle class and advancing the historic, egalitarian ideals that were planted at America’s founding. In natural terms, our economy is a giant sequoia. Unfortunately, our present corporate and governmental leadership can’t seem to grasp one of the basic laws of nature: You can’t keep a mighty tree alive (much less have it thrive) by only spritzing the fine leaves at the tippy-top. The fate of the whole tree depends on nurturing the grassroots. Sadly, in this time of such potential for greatness, we’re led by a myopic crew of leaf spritzers. In Washington, on Wall Street, and in the corporate suites, the elites have taken exquisite care of themselves, with the top one percent tripling their share of the nation’s wealth since 1980. How did they obtain this phenomenal boost? By siphoning up shares of America’s wealth that had been going to the rest of us. Blithely oblivious to the dangerous shriveling of the grassroots, they’ve increased their take by offshoring our middle-class jobs, slashing American wages and benefits in practically every sector, busting the ability of unions to fight back, deregulating their nefarious corporate and financial operations, dodging their tax obligations, privatizing and gutting public services (from schools to food stamps) and turning our elections into auctions run by and for billionaires. This massive redistribution of wealth is not an issue of economics, but of basic morality. In plain words, it’s robbery — not only robbing workaday Americans of both their share and their dreams, but also mugging America itself of its unifying ethos. Fair and just behavior — es-

JIM HIGHTOWER pecially by the powerful — are requisites for holding so many millions of us together as a free society. The importance of this founding ethic has been instilled in us by the phrases, stories and symbols of our culture: The golden rule (Bible), the general welfare (Constitution), the common good (kindergarten), the social contract (New Deal), the land of opportunity (ubiquitous slogan), E pluribus unum (coins, the dollar bill, and the Great Seal), “one nation… with liberty and justice for all” (Pledge of Allegiance). These and others reiterate and confirm our ethical pledge of trust in each other, our commitment to the notion that we’re all in this together. That’s the moral glue that defines and binds us as Americans. But each one is now being openly mocked — cast aside by the rich and powerful as irrelevant to how our economy ought to work… and for whom. The super-rich are separating their good fortunes from the well-being of the many. It’s not just America’s economy they’re skewing, but our values. They’re destroying the place where egalitarianism, upward mobility and the middle class once had a welcoming home. That’s the fight we’re in — a historic fight to decide who

and they’ll get no help from Washington.

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2018


Non-Violent Revolution The kids are tired of hearing the same ol’ thing...

and they are bravely standing up for their rights.

but the NRA isn’t giving up. They’re starting to make themselves felt...

and are playing on the nation’s sympathies.

They’re “helping Congress to pass laws...

The two sides couldn’t be more opposed...

May, 2018

and the prez is just warming up.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2018


May, 2018

HUMOR TIMES

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