Humor Times, June 2018

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry

A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

2

OMNETWORKS

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

Editor’s Letter When Ignorance Rules – SAD!!!

An informed electorate is essential in a democracy (or a democratic republic, such as ours). If voters are in the dark on the real issues and possible solutions, their votes will be wasted, as they continue to elect corporate-owned candidates who just make things worse.

Unfortunately, the corporate media, consisting of a very few huge mega-companies that own nearly all of the online, television, radio and print media sources, is falling down on the job. Or, maybe not, since they are only concerned only with the bottom line, and as a result, have turned the “news” into “infotainment,” with the chief objective of making gobs of money, not informing the public.

This, along with the corrupt campaign finance system in the U.S. is why we end up with so many willfully ignorant, so-called “representatives” in Congress. So-called, because they don’t actually represent us, they represent their moneyed interests, the ones that paid for their seats.

Thankfully, most Americans realize this. As the Center for Public Integrity reports: “Liberals and conservatives overwhelmingly support a constitutional amendment that would effectively overturn the Supreme Court’s seminal campaign finance decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, according to a new study from the University of Maryland and nonpartisan research group Voice of the People.

“Three-fourths of survey respondents – including 66 percent of Republicans and 85 percent of Democrats – back a constitutional amendment outlawing Citizens United.

“The study also indicates that most Americans – 88 percent overall – want to reduce the influence large campaign donors wield over lawmakers at a time when a single congressional election may cost tens of millions of dollars.”

Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.

If this were a well-functioning democracy, then the above majority would rule, and the system would be purged of corrupt laws allowing the richest among us to stock our Congress with their sycophants. However, those currently holding their corporate-funded positions in Washington are unlikely, to put it mildly, to vote to enact true campaign finance reform.

The only way to fix this sad state of affairs nationally is with a constitutional amendment, no easy feat. In order to reach the point where this is possible, we must first elect real people’s representatives — also not easy. But with a real grassroots effort — given the majority opinion — it is possible. We have to keep fighting for it.

A great place to start is the upcoming midterm elections. Are you up for it? Get out and help candidates who are willing to forego corporate cash — there are more of them than ever running now.

– James Israel, Editor P.S. Why not give a subscription to friends and family who enjoy intelligent political satire and topical humor? They will love you for it!

While you’re at it, reward yourself with one, and never miss another issue. Thank you!

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 314, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

June, 2018

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!

HUMOR TIMES

3

Whirled Peas Something historic is happening between the Koreas...

and Trump wants in on the action.

Kim Jung-un is only too happy to oblige...

showing good faith by releasing hostages.

The “King of Deals” hopes to make one to remember...

as soon as he’s done destroying all the others...

no matter when they were made...

4

while picking winners and losers. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

Whirled Peas (conclusion) Trump prides himself on picking the “best people”...

and outdoing his predecessor.

He’s looking to close the deal... and the world can’t wait.

Le Grand Amour French President Macron lent Donald a big hand...

but it may have all been a bit too much.

It seemed nothing could get between them...

June, 2018

making Trump’s day.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Questions Beyond the Mueller 49 Robert Mueller has many questions for the president. The New York Times released a list of 49 for which Donald Trump hopefully has answers that can assist the special counsel’s investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. Although the New York City real estate developer may know nothing at all.

A situation many folks say… chances are high.

The president has announced various positions on the potential interview. One: he looks forward to testifying under oath.

Two: he will refuse to answer and plead the 5th Amendment to protect against self-incrimination. Three: something in between which could include ignoring a subpoena and/or refusing to admit the existence of anybody who may or may not be named Mueller.

His lawyers have voiced similar diverse opinions. Some maintain he should testify and get it over with and others warn he’s walking into a perjury trap. Which, experience tells us, to the 45th POTUS, is any question asked, especially under oath.

It may very well turn out that the only time Trump told the truth in public was when he said if we voted for Hillary, we’d end up with a president under criminal investigation. Sure enough, a plurality of the country voted for Hillary and now the president is under criminal investigation. “Lock him up.”

Nobody’s sure who leaked Robert Mueller’s list of questions to the press. At this point, it’s all guesswork. Perhaps Mister Special Counsel himself, or someone in or near the White House?

The assignment editor at MSNBC? A disgruntled craft services worker from the National Review? Melania? Unnamed sources are blaming well-placed insiders.

And why was the list leaked? To lower expectations, raise them, lull participants to sleep? Is this a double blind or major feint or are they letting the Commander-in-Chief know the nature

of the questions to give him time to construct alibis and motivations other than furthering his own future and fortune?

Mostly, the ques tions sound like typ i cal pros e cu to rial gobbledy-gook. “Who? What? Where? Why? When? Hunh?”

“What were you thinking when what’s-his-name did the thing with the guy at the place?”

None of the preview inquiries mention Russian hookers, so, obviously it’s not a complete list. And in the spirit of helping, we here at Durstco have come up with a few more questions that should be asked because inquiring minds want to know.

• Is Stephen Miller the result of an Army-science breeding program that mated rabid wolverines with poisonous fungus?

• What’s the deal with your hair?

• In your estimation, who has the more annoying mustache: Ty Cobb or John Bolton?

• What are the chances Dennis Rodham will be appointed ambassador to North Korea?

• What was Stormy Daniels like in bed?

• Was Giuliani trying to help? Isn’t adding him to your legal team like throwing a hippopotamus onto a trapeze team?

• How are things with Melania? Any truth to the rumor that all the knives have been removed from the East Wing?

• How come your ties hang down to your knees? Is it a peripheral vision thing?

• Is Corey Lewandowski your love child?

• Have you ever seen Mike Pence exhibit an actual pulse or is he the product of reverse taxidermy?

• Was James Comey’s freakishly large hands one of the reasons you fired him?

WILL DURST

His Own Worst Enemy You don’t need a degree in psychoanalysis to figure out that Donald Trump defines himself by his adversaries. The media. His staff. His family. His Cabinet. The intelligence community. College graduates. Democrats. Other Republicans. Mexicans. Muslims. Women. Muslim women. Mexican Muslims. Women who are Mexicanish. The rest of the world.

But his worst enemy is not any of these obvious targets. Its not Godzilla, King of the Monsters or Chris Christie. The winner is, drum roll please… himself! That’s right. He’s his own worst enemy: The POTUS’ biggest and baddest foe is the man in the mirror. Donald John Trump. Or one of the pseudonyms he’s used: John Miller. John Barron. David Dennison. Melania’s first husband.

Our 45th president claims to be a stable genius but his major talent is getting in the way of his own agenda. The man is congenitally unable to keep from stepping in so many pools of effluvium that he leaves a trail of stink that would knock a flock of buzzards off a line of porta-potties on the last day of Coachella. Shoots himself in the foot so often, his nickname should be Stumpy.

Instead of embarking on a victory tour to celebrate arranging an upcoming tete-a-tete with Kim Jong Un, arguably precipitating detente between North and South Koreas, and averting a possible nuclear showdown, he once again conspired to distract folks from the happy to focus on the sad. He’s become so adept at that misdirection thing, he is unable to turn it off. The boy can’t help it.

Recently, the former New York City real estate developer went on Fox News’ morning show and had a meltdown the size of a glacier hosting an active lava flow. His performance gave train wrecks a bad name.

It got to where the loyal sycophants at Rupert Murdoch’s pro pa ganda ma chine were forced to cut him off mid-rant.

“We know you’re busy.” Worried he was digging his own grave they snatched away the shovel.

One of his frenzied tirades claimed Michael Cohen hardly represented him at all. “A tiny, tiny little fraction” of his legal work but was involved in “this crazy Stormy Daniels deal.”

Which sort of destroys the defense his other lawyers (with a larger fraction of his business) had been preparing.

Then he insisted the payoff money didn’t come from campaign funds. Even though he earlier had denied any relationship with the porn star and claimed to have no knowledge of the money. The legal consequences may be more complicated than assembling an Ikea bookcase using water-soluble twist-ties in place of screws.

This penchant for playing Solo Demolition Derby is convincing the rest of the GOP to get the hell out. 39 Republican congresspersons have already de cided the only run ning they’ll be doing this November is for the hills. And even then, many worry about being arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.

The man suffers from such a tertiary case of Foot-in-Mouth disease he probably saves time by flossing with his shoelaces.

Trips over chalk lines painted on the floor. Provide enough rope and this guy will hang not just him self, but ev ery one around him as well. Plank by plank, he’s building his gallows high and wide enough to accommodate an entire political party.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed, often-tour ing po lit i cal comic.

Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St. themarsh.org. See willdurst .com for calendar listings.

6

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

‘Fake News’ Source Uncovered!

Fox News host Sean Hannity is just another victim...

He plays a journalist on TV...

and simply following protocol.

but doesn’t like being the subject of news himself.

but he flew off the handle...

Giuliani was brought in to settle things down...

and the president’s expense. much to everyone’s surprise...

June, 2018

HUMOR TIMES

7

Black Coffee

Renewable Resource Trump’s EPA pick figured he’d hit paydirt...

Starbucks promised to do better...

and stop kicking people out for no reason. discovering a new renewable resource...

and couldn’t understand the negative reaction.

The whole episode was hard on everybody...

even Starbucks itself.

8

Meanwhile, two belief systems continue to clash.

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

Old & in the Way The DNC decided on a bold plan...

which excited the party chairman...

but may have missed the point.

Then, the bad news of good news hit them hard.

Meanwhile, one Dem hopes to follow another in Illinois.

And speaking of good news/bad news:

Relationships are strained...

June, 2018

and the coming election battle is heating up.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Militant X-Box Gamers Denounce Censors as ‘Sad, Pathetic Losers with a Lot of Time on Their Hands’ The re cent de ci sion to he li cop ter X-Box users for cursing while Microsoft merrily trawl their data has resulted in a serious backlash. X-Box gamers are now accusing Microsoft executives of being idle, unfocused losers who have nothing better to do than mess around on hi-tech gadgets and piss their lives away.

Kriss-Rei-G%N4eeVaH! says: “ T h i s i s l i t e r a l l y W O R SE t h an Gamergate. Microsoft thinks it’s is pretty funny and edgy to piss people off like this; what they fail to understand is that sometimes, going out of your way to annoy and offend people isn’t really all that funny.

Sometimes, it just makes you a sad, pathetic asshole who fails at life!”

SargMyT-B@@@@@Gz says: “Freedom of speech is not a right to be h e a r d ! MUH F R E E Z E P E A C H , LMFFFAO! Hey, word to the wise, assholes! Get off the damn tech devices and try and to something usual for a change… Mmmm-hm. Man, these Soul Calibur retro bitches are HOT! Could you tap that shit, Kriss?”

No reply from Kriss (I think that’s what his name was).

Anyhoo! Anecdotal evidence also suggests that the gaming ‘community’ (such as it is) want to sue the Xbox manufacturers for defamation, sick of the chilling effect the Microsoft is having on the free market place of ideas.

Microsoft is said to be unhappy about the impending lawsuit; a sternly worded statement said that, “Unlike we Silicon Valley elites, X-Box gamers are belligerent, entitled and dishonest, and the world would be a better place if they didn’t exist.

Re ported by Wallace Runnymede.

(First published on GlossyNews.com.)

Fearing that he could be outdone by Kim Jung-un when they meet, the president has been furiously practic ing his patented handshake technique to stay at the top of his game.

Trump is so immersed in the effort that he missed several episodes of Fox and Friends this week and refrained from tweeting for 8 hours.

He has even called upon the military to be part of the effort.

Satellites normally used to spy on Russia and Iran have been diverted and aimed at Kim’s hands whenever he’s involved in a handshake, such as recently with the leader of South Korea.

Those handshakes were analyzed by the CIA and com pared to the hand shakes be tween Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron for quality, length and intensity. The effort hasn’t yet produced any actionable results, although it’s now clear that Kim uses Dove beauty bars when he washes his hands.

After reviewing the findings in the form of an animated cartoon, the president was distraught and immediately flew to Mar-a-Lago, insulted Jeff Sessions, played a round of golf, ordered a bigger wall and planned a huge campaign-style rally in coal country.

W hite H ou se i n si d er s questioned how Kim was able to gain a handshake advantage.

Some have raised the possibility that it may have been the result of a chemical, herbal or hal lu ci no genic sub stance transmitted when their hands touched.

Desperate for answers, the president has tasked his son-in-law to conduct an exhaustive study of the origins and earliest examples of handshaking. Some of the questions Kushner will be looking into include: Did Moses ever shake hands with Pharaoh? And if so, did how did it go? And, was Jesus a handshaker?

Reported by Larry Dell

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump Vie in New Rival Reality TV Shows Two new reality TV shows will make their debut shortly on cable networks. Coincidentally, they are both modeled after the popular 1950’s TV show, Adventures of Superman. We have exclusives on the shows’ introductions, leaked by an anonymous Hollywood source: Show #1: Stormy Knight Makes ’em come faster than a speeding bullet, pelvis more powerful in locomotion, able to mount powerful men in a single bound.

Look! Up on the screen! It’s a cow! It’s a porn star! No, it’s Super Stormy!

Yes, Super Stormy, strange visitor from the porno screen, who came to fame with boobs far bigger than those of mortal women. Super Stormy, who can change the course of mighty careers, hold their body parts in her bare hands, and who, disguised as a screen actress, fights the never-ending battle for money, fame and the American way. Watch this station and the National Enquirer for more episodes in the ongoing X-rated adventures of Super Stormy!

Show #2: Twitter Patter Tweets faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful but loco, able to change positions radically in a single bound.

Look! Up in the White House! It’s a birdbrain! It’s plain– It’s Stupor Trump!

Yes, Stupor Trump, who acts like a visitor from another planet, coming to the White House with powers and abilities far below those of average men. Stupor Trump, who has changed the course of a mighty democracy, bent the truth with his bare tiny thumbs. And who, disguised as wild-mannered “president,” defamer of all metropolitan reporters, fights a never-ending battle against truth, justice, and the American Way. Watch another episode each day of the exasperating misadventures of Stupor Trump!

Reported by Diane de Anda

for bal ance and jus tice is imbalanced and self ish. Instead of going on strike for money, try restructuring the cesspool of misinformation.

Rudy Giuliani parted company with his law firm ... and his sanity.

Sagittarius: It’s easier for you to live-up to your Archer potential in the summer, but if you wildly aim at everything, you’ll wind up with nothing and a whole lot of debt.

Nestle is paying $7.2 billion to sell Starbucks coffee What’s that like a 1/2 doz e n Ve nt i Frappuccinos?

Cancer: This month the Universe asks you to nurture others with words. This will only be difficult if you try to do it via posting Youtube comments.

Capricorn: With all the other signs dancing thru the Summer energy like fire fairies, you may find it difficult to breathe this month. Just remember, exhales are for release, not calling other people names.

Gibson guitar maker files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection ... guess all their deals really did have strings attached.

Libra: Sometimes your desire

Pisces: You don’t fit-in anywhere. That doesn’t mean you can fit everyone else into a padded bra or jock-box – or break the membranes of lemmings.

“We’ve had our eye on Giuliani for a while,” said a spokesperson for Kim. “Discipline and obedience play very important roles in the way we keep order here, and Rudy’s scary face would be a valuable tool in bringing unpatriotic people into line.”

“Experiments have shown that when exposed to a mere photo of him grinning,” he explained, “even strong men cry and agree to almost anything. Being able to threaten dissenters with actually seeing him in the flesh would give us leverage over even the worst malcontents without resorting to physical torture.”

The regime’s plan for Michael Cohen was more straightforward: just have him continue doing what he’s been doing.

“Cohen’s like a loyal guard dog who will take a bullet for his master whoever that may be,” said a spokeperson. “And that’s a quality that can come in very handy in North Korea.”

There’s also the profit motive. “If he laundered money for the Russian mob in America why can’t set up the same kind of thing for the Chinese in North Korea?” said one official.

Jeff Sessions’ value is as an example of proper attitude and behavior in the face of daily humiliation, a situation experienced by most of the North Korea’s people.

Kim watched with interest as Sessions took numerous shots to the gut without even flinching. They had planned a video campaign showing a smiling Sessions being deprived of food and water, cleaning toilets and running through the streets of Pyongyang naked.

Reported by Larry Dell

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Gemini: Happy Birthday, fellow Twins! This should be a great time for you, so long as you don’t put your personality under some ridiculous bipartisan structure.

Virgo: With your ruling planet, Mercury, in Gemini this month, your com mu ni ca tions will reach new heights of verbal expression – just remember, the Russell Brand type of Twin energy will not work-out well for you in the long-run.

Unnamed insider sources revealed today that as part of the original negotiations, the Trump Administration had planned to send Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen and Jeff Sessions to North Korea in exchange for the recently released Americans.

Initially cool to the idea, Kim Jung-un altered his position after aides pointed out the valuable role each could play in furthering the aims of the regime.

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Scorpio: You stick out like a sore nose, yet you hide in the galleys of sub-normal. You can see in the dark, but even Ninjas have no way of controlling what lies in the night.

Aquarius: Others see you as a pillar of social success. What they don’t see is the chaos and tran siency that in ter twines your life like a ball of yarn covered in pieces of used cat litter.

North Korean Release of Three Americans Explained

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles

Taurus: Now is definitely the time to get off your ass and be more active. Think hiking and swim ming – not bars and malls.

Leo: Venus enters Leo on May 13th, which will have a romantic, passionate effect on your love life – or just increase your addiction to porn.

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

President Practicing Patented Trump Handshake for Kim Jung-un

Horoscopes for Jerks: May 2018 Aries: The fire of Summer fuels your inner fire this month, making you prone to explosions and susceptible to internal combustion – neither of which have historically played-out well.

Headline News Section

Melania Trump starts ‘Be Best’ campaign Or, as it’s also known, ‘Just Say No to Grammar.’

North Korea frees 3 American prisoners ahead of a planned Trump-Kim summit Must’ve been awkward ‘cause I thought he didn’t like people who got captured.

Eric Schneiderman, accused by 4 women, quits as New York Attorney General Look for the new movie ‘Fifty Shades of What the Hell is Wrong With You?’ Kansas man arrested for allegedly trying to have sex with car ... woulda got away with it, if he hadn’t put in a claim for the car getting rear ended.

Trump paid back Michael Cohen for Stormy Daniel slush fund pay offs in installments Now that’s a lay-a-way plan.

Katy Perry ends Taylor Swift feud with actual olive branch So, that’s what Jared Kushner’s been up to… instead of working on the Middle East.

Novartis paid Cohen $1.2 Million for a single meeting Novartis is the worst name ever for a porn Star...

Reports are that John McCain doesn’t want Trump at his funeral It was n’t likely any way un less they bury McCain on a golf course.

It’s Mother’s Day! Or, as Mike Pence calls it ‘Creepy Pet Name for Your Wife Day.’ Town & Country apologizes for dis-inviting Monica Lewinsky to an event after Bill Clinton RSVP’d I get it, but the only way it would have been more awkward is if the event was held at a BJ’s Restaurant.

AT&T CEO: We made ‘big mistake’ hiring Cohen, chief lobbyist out Adding: “We shoulda gone to Jared!”

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

Russia Trump insists he’s no friend of Russia...

but he may have learned some tricks from the mob.

He doesn’t care for former FBI Director Comey’s act...

but there’s not much he can do about it.

He’s determined to hit the FBI where it hurts, though...

because he’s busy ruining running things.

The GOP Congress refuses to protect Mueller... saying what’s done is done.

June, 2018

HUMOR TIMES

13

The Majority Party Republicans are concerned about the midterms...

but they keep stabbing themselves in the back.

A controversial GOP candidate failed in the primaries...

but they have a plan to get out the vote in November.

They do seem to have a lock on evangelicals... who can’t get enough of what Trump is serving.

Meanwhile, the prez continues to wing it...

14

and to make the most of the situation.

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

All the President’s Men Trump has had a hard time keeping good help...

despite his skill at finding “all the best people.”

He loves his Attorney General’s ruthlessness...

and wants that same spirit at the CIA.

Like many before him, his Chief of Staff might have to go...

So he brought in a pal from his home town...

June, 2018

and his doctor was out even before he left.

but that isn’t turning out so well either.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Was It Brillig for You? It Was Brillig for Me! Ever had a pa rt ner who said or did some thing odd as they cli maxed?

After a frie nd con fided that his girl friend al ways starts reciting poetry when she climaxed (specifically, Lewis Carroll’s Jabbarwocky), I began to wonder just how unusual this kind of behavior is. So I asked my Facebook pals, “Have you ever had a partner who said or did something similarly odd or unexpected at that particular moment?”

Their responses?

I laugh when I come. But I would never recite poetry.

I once blurted out the name of baseball player Bob Aspromonte.

A frat brother of mine could easily be heard by everyone on the dorm floor yelling “United States Marine Corps!”

Sometimes I shout “Whoa Dogs!” I have no idea why.

I hooked up with a guy once who, when he cli maxed, shouted, “THANK YOU EVERYBODY, DON’T FORGET TO TRY THE FOCACCIA BREAD!” I once dated a dude who liked to call out the model and color of the cars he was planning on owning in the future I’ve been known to start reciting Shakespeare. But only when I’m really drunk.

I swear when I come. Does that count?

I tend to go with the last few words of “Ulysses.”

ROZ WARREN My first college girlfriend always started hollering in Italian when she was in the throes.

I thought it was sexy, even though I had no idea what she was saying.

About 3 years ago, my best friend hooked up with a guy who yelled, “ITS-A ME, MARIO!” when he finished.

Poetry? No way. Just heavy breathing, a long sigh, then snoring.

I once had a one night stand with a guy who yelled “OH GRANDMA” right before climaxing.

(Which is one of the reasons it remained a one night stand.)

I usually say “I love you.” How unoriginal is that? (But my wife doesn’t seem to mind.)

Do you emit a simple “I love you?” Or do you start proclaiming the Gettysburg address?

Please tell us all about it in the Comments section online at humortimes.com.

(Roz Warren is the author of “Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor” and “Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library,” both of which make great gifts for librarians and other book lovers. Available at Amazon.com)

Support the media you want to see! ®

If you’re a fan of the Humor Times, why not contribute to the cause? In this digital age, it’s not easy to thrive as a print publication.

We need your support.

Plain ol’ donations to the cause of political humor are always welcome. Or, if you ha ven’t subscribed yet, please do. Get the fun delivered right to y our door once a month!

And if you are already a subscriber, don’t keep the laughs to yourself – give gift s ubscriptions!

Use the form on page 3.

The Hightower Lowdown Patience and Secrecy in the Koch Brothers’ Complex Conspiracy In 1933, a handful of wealthy Wall Streeters were upset that the newly elected president, Franklin D. Roosevelt, had dared to tax the rich in order to fund programs to lessen the painful poverty people were experiencing due to the Great Depression. They were so upset that they came up with a ridiculous plan to overthrow Roosevelt and install a military government.

Due to their own ineptitude and hubris, their plan failed, and important poverty-busting programs of the New Deal like Social Security, the Works Progress Administration and the Tennessee Valley Authority put people to work, pulled them out of desperate poverty and propelled the country into the 20th century.

It’s tempting to brush off 1933’s bumbling fat cats — we can just picture them cloistered in their posh private club, smoking $100 cigars, grumping about Roosevelt and whis per ing about hiring a private army to overthrow the whole damn democratic process. However, our nation’s common good is constantly under atta c k from plu to c ra ts , kl epto cra t s a n d kakistocrats who want to line their pockets at the expense of workaday Americans.

But while the 1933 plot was hair-brained, their plutocratic intent is no laughing matter.

Their presumption of class privilege — the warped idea that their great wealth entitled them to rule over and even impoverish the many — is not unique. The Wall Street Putsch died and was buried in 1934, but it is just one manifestation of a deadly serious social disease that has infected the history of democratic struggles.

And now, that sickness has grown more virulent, confronting us in the form of a complex, sophisticated web of efforts funded by brothers Charles and David Koch and their billionaire buddies who share the same set of extreme, kleptocratic beliefs that guided last century’s class-war militants, including making property rights supreme over all of the people’s political rights and replacing majority rule with a new governing order that empowers the owner class (the “Makers,” as they dub themselves) to overrule regulations, taxes, unionization and other collective actions that the lower classes (the “Takers,” or so we’re called) try to impose on the property-rich minority.

The Koch brothers coup is not one they’re planning to spring someday with a brash, illegal military takeover of Washington. Don’t look now, but they’ve already sprung it! It’s a quiet, multifaceted coup that has been underway for some 40 years and has been astonishingly successful … and disturbingly legal. Measure by measure, the Koch brothers and their allied ex-

JIM HIGHTOWER tremists have used their fortunes to gain a grip on nearly every level of government (including the courts and whole states like Wisconsin, North Carolina and Texas), corporatized many of our most basic laws and institutions, and largely had their plutocratic wish list adopted as the agenda of the Republican Party. They’ve been able to come this far because of three factors: Patience. The Kochs have taken the long view with their ideological power grab. They have been willing to experiment, trying a variety of tactics — large and small, national and local — ex pand ing those that work and abandoning those that don’t. And they have used “patient capital”: giving an idea time to prove itself before yanking funding and jumping to the next trendy idea (Progressive funders: Take note.).

Quiet and compartmentalization. The Koch coup has crept up on us because it abhorred publicity and couched each move as an independent effort by a separate group. The commonality of the changes was barely perceptible for decades and un til 2010, when the Su preme Court grabbed the obscure Citizens United case to decree that corporate campaign cash qualifies as free speech. It was only then that progressives woke to the reality that a coordinated corporate assault on democracy itself was being backed by a panoply of Koch groups (at least three of which were prime funders and pushers of the court case).

Scope and scale. Even the word “vast” doesn’t encompass the immensity of the Kochs’ offen sive on de moc racy. The Charles Koch Foundation, the David H. Koch Charitable Foundation, the American Legislative Exchange Council, the Cato Institute, The Heritage Foundation, the State Policy Network, Americans for Prosperity: These are just a handful of the many organizations that the Koch brothers and their buddies fund to dismantle our social safety net and radically change our outlook on “ev ery body does better when everybody does better.”

To learn more about the Koch agenda, check out the Center for Media and Democracy’s work at www.exposedbycmd.org/Koch

A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name, if you like.

Or order online at HumorTimes .com and get

$2 off!

(Use the link s provided o n the site.)

16

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

Economy

Guns

The U.S. economy is soaring, they say...

The NRA itself banned guns...

but it doesn’t feel that way to millions.

but there was a good explanation.

Most of the tax cut went to the very rich...

They continue to insist guns are the solution...

and they are very sorry about that.

June, 2018

not the problem.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2018

June, 2018

HUMOR TIMES

19

Come by before or after the game!

Vic’s Ice Cream Celebrate with the Best Ice Cream Around!

Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors, including Fresh Peach & Fresh Banana Ice Cream, Fresh Boysenberry Sherbet and either the Fresh Strawberry Sherbet or Ice Cream!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks

Vic’s Café is now open next door!

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without… Give the HUMOR TIMES!