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CHRIS WILLIAMS: “Torched: Songs That Ruined Our Lives” JULY 13,14 at 8PM, and JULY 15 at 6PM!
California Stage in the R25 Arts Complex aa 25th & R St, Midtown • Easy free parking available • 916-451-5822
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HUMOR TIMES
$15 Students, Seniors $20 General Admission
July, 2018
Editor’s Letter Cartoonist Rob Rogers Was Censored by His Own Paper, So We Featured Him on the Cover! The great editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers had his cartoons censored a few times by the newspaper he had worked for for 25 years in recent months. Then they fired him. All because he was critical of the president! Wait a minute, you may be thinking: aren’t editorial cartoonists supposed to be critical of politicians? Isn’t that their job? Why, yes, in fact, that’s how it’s always been, from the time of Thomas Nast, known as the “Father of the American Editorial Cartoon.” As Bill Peduto, mayor of Pittsburgh said, “This is precisely the time when the constitutionally protected free press – including critics like Rob Rogers – should be celebrated and supported, and not fired for doing their jobs. This decision, just one day after the president of the United States said the news media is ‘our country’s biggest enemy,’ sets a low standard in the 232-year history of the newspaper.” It’s difficult in the internet era for cartoonists (and reporters) to find good paying jobs, so this is very bad for Mr Rogers, and for the profession itself. It used to be that nearly every city’s major daily (and many weeklies) had their own editorial cartoonist on their staff. But with the advent of “free content” on the internet, newspapers endured a precipitous decline, and many now rely on syndicated cartoonists. Less demand means lower pay, of course, and few opportunities to make a living as a cartoonist. Once this generation of editorial cartoonists begins to wane, I fear there may not be as much talent available, since nobody likes (or can afford) to work for free. We at the Humor Times are doing our best to keep the art of political cartooning alive and well, and we also could use your support. If you enjoy the political satire we present via these great cartoonists, why not subscribe? Heck, it costs less than a single night out, and lasts all year! And with our current, ridiculously generous sale (see back cover), it’s even less! Give a subscription to friends and family who enjoy intelligent political satire and topical humor – they will love you for it! Thank you! – James Israel, Editor
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 315, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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July, 2018
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!
HUMOR TIMES
3
Art of the (Very) Bad Deal It looked like it might not happen at all...
as Kim Jong-un made Trump look silly.
There was a lot of back-and-forth...
but Trump said he knows how to “feel” people out...
and insisted that only he could make the best deal.
Of the videos, the one Kim made for Trump is less known.
And while Trump isn’t learning much from history...
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HUMOR TIMES
he knows who his enemies are. (continued)
July, 2018
Trump’s idea of a great deal usually involves one thing...
and if you give it to him, you’re his best bud.
He said that no matter what happens... we’d continue to grow more & more tired of “winning.”
and brags that he doesn’t need to prepare... Trump openly admires dictators...
because he knows psychology.
July, 2018
So, everyone should feel safe now.
HUMOR TIMES
5
King Donald & The Oval Office Apprentice The president’s lawyers must wake up every morning wondering if they’re in the throes of a mescaline fever dream. Which altered reality will they have to deal with today? The legal ground melts out from under them and scary hallucinations swirl around mutating versions of the boss: the Donald Trump who changes his story more often than his underwear and the one who tosses away members of his legal team like used Kleenex. They recently sent a letter to the Special Counsel asserting that Donald Trump is above the law. Not to be confused with the first Steven Segal movie, “Above the Law.” Although the two do have much in common: both think Vladimir Putin is a great guy and they are in similar physical condition these days. The argument is that the president cannot commit obstruction of justice, because as chief law enforcement officer of the United States, he is the justice department. King Donald. Not only incapable of committing a crime but incapable of being held accountable. Laws are for losers. Take the knee and kiss the ring. The President tweeted that many legal scholars say he has the absolute right to pardon himself even though he won’t need to because he hasn’t committed any crimes. Similar to a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, only better. More like a “Get Your Stinking Paws Off Me, You Damn Dirty Ape” sort of thing. The good news is he probably won’t wear a crown and risk messing up his aerodynamic coif. But other royal trappings are imaginable: golden jewel- encrusted scepter, floor- dragging ermine trimmed robe and the serial discarding of wives who can’t provide a decent hereditary successor. And yes, Don Jr. and Eric, we’re talking about you. King Donald claims to possess special powers that immunize
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him from criminal prosecution. Apparently he was bitten by a radioactive spider at Camp David. And is willing to admit that everything he ever previously said in public was a lie. Wasn’t under oath, so it doesn’t count. And if he does lie under oath, who cares? Who’s going to arrest him, Jeff Sessions? Dream on. His defense has shifted more than the sands of the Kalahari during one of those windstorms they call a haboob. And speaking of boobs, Rudy Giuliani says the Deep State is framing the president and he might take the 5th if questions about crimes he didn’t commit get too close to disproving that. Carl Sandburg famously said; “If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell,” and Rudy is the best table pounder in the business. As anybody from New York can tell you, this guy leaves splinters. Trump’s lawyers also claim the president is too busy to answer questions, although the Supreme Court knocked down that claim when Bill Clinton invoked it, and he didn’t spend one- sixth of his presidency at a golf courses. One tenth, maybe. They’re throwing up alternative defenses like hyperactive Rhesus monkeys flinging feces at a zoo. Not only can’t he be constitutionally prosecuted but the prosecution is a conspiracy. The FBI is full of jack- booted thugs and his hands are too small to fit on the Bible. Can’t wait for them to float the diminished capacity defense. That one might be easier to sell.
Oval Office Apprentice President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two
HUMOR TIMES
WILL DURST
marriages, armed forces physicals, White House Communications Department staffing, convincing foreign countries to build boundary structures. But the one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real genius for pretending to be real. His greatest public triumph was the 14 seasons he hosted NBC’s “The Apprentice” in a position he thought he was really good at. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say “You’re Fired!” with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected. Not even the Terminator. Which could explain why his presidency is being run as The Oval Office Apprentice. To him, this whole thing is little more than a reality game show played on a slightly larger scale. Last week, we thrilled as Donald Trump considered the pardon of Martha Stewart. Then we were wowed when Kim Kardashian joined him to break the record for largest White House assemblage of ass since Jimmy Carter hosted the champions of the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Tournament. In an earlier episode, he canceled the North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un. But wait, now its back on. Or is it?” We’ll see what happens.” And where might the summit be held? At the magnificent neoclassical landmark Marriott Fullerton in the exotic Southeast Asian city/state of Singapore. Because what happens in Singapore, stays in Singapore. Especially with a Trump International Hotel: Coming Soon! Later this week, don’t miss the identity of the next person to be voted off the island on The Oval Office Apprentice. And who will replace them? Could it be one of us? “Come on down!” You’re the next contestant on this week’s thrilling episode of “Fooling Some of the People All the Time.” And i n case y ou even thought of not tuning in, here is a preview of the rest of the season leading up to November Midterm Madness. The “Super Sucking Up Contest” featuring conservatives in close races competing to see who can create the loudest suction noise in an effort to entice the former real estate developer to campaign for them. Or not. Sparks fly when brawls break out between cabinet secretaries sabotaging each other through injudicious leaking. And your head will completely pop off as you try to guess which of the president’s lawyers will accidentally admit the president is indeed guilty of Rus sian col lu sion, but who cares? In a shocking twist, you’ll never guess which disgraced and ousted staff member makes an inspirational and tearful return. Meanwhile, in the wings, Miss Congeniality, Vice President Mike Pence, stands waiting with the med i cal team, holding a rose. You’ll cry tears of laughter as various celebrities trade theories as to what happened to the First Lady. Was she recovering from plastic surgery or kidnapped to keep from talking to Robert Mueller? Or did the operation to remove the surveillance chip implanted in her by the Clintons and Obamas at Barbara Bush’s fu neral go horribly wrong? One thing you’ve got to admit, it’s never boring! We are living through the Exclamation Mark Presidency!!! And don’t be surprised if the master game player gives us the ultimate cliffhanger: pardoning himself for a crime he didn’t commit. You won’t want to miss Season 3. But don’t worry, you won’t be able to. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed, often-tour ing po lit i cal comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St. themarsh.org. See willdurst .com for calendar listings.
July, 2018
Not So Tariff-ic Trump wanted a trade war...
and we got one.
by sending a tough message to our allies.
He’s proving his leadership abilities...
and neither is Congress.
Gas prices aren’t helping...
But magnanimous CEOs are doing what they can...
July, 2018
to help us find our place in the new economy.
HUMOR TIMES
7
King Trump The GOP Congress loves and obeys their Dear Leader...
and Trump is humbly enjoying his role...
feeling it was all preordained. The powers he’s discovered are intoxicating...
and he doesn’t see anything that can stop him.
and knows it doesn’t matter what he says or does...
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He tweets his royal proclamations...
his loyal followers will always support him. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
July, 2018
Minority Party Dems are never happy with Trump...
As King, Trump decides who lives and dies...
and may be misreading the tea leaves. doesn’t have to follow the rules...
They’ve also learned a lot more about how they got here.
sees himself as a great hero...
But at least one good trend is happening. and is overseeing the demise of all we stand for.
July, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Yeti Sights UFO Himalayas — Once again, the Yeti is causing a stir: in a recent interview, the leg end ary “Abom i na ble Snow man” claimed he had not only caught sight of a UFO, but had also managed to take a photo of it with his iPhone. He then went on to produce a blurred photograph showing some kind of flying saucer. However, there seems to be a completely inconsequential explanation for this otherwise sensational sight: having evaluated the footage, experts are now convinced that the unidentified flying object is likely to be a meteorological balloon or a Chinese military plane. “The photograph is very blurred, but we can certainly deduce that it shows nothing of extra-terrestrial origin,” Prof. Mei Hoao
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic. “Sure, we all like to laugh, but at what price? Sudden guffaws can disturb those nearby. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine, but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America,” the official cautioned. (Ed. note: Subscription info can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)
TIJUANA — What is Mexico’s endgame? Widespread media reporting has today shown construction workers contracted by the Mexican government clearly starting work on huge tunnels at several points along the US border.
Taurus: Go outside for a min ute. Cos mic en er gies promise you won’t die without air conditioning. Gemini: If it’s so hot you want to punch everyone in the face, re mem ber that you’re not the center of the sun’s at tention, and other people are hot too. Can cer: Give-in to your friends and family just this once. Do something outside of the house for your Birthday! Leo: Leo Males – do not wear cut-off jean shorts. Leo Fe males – do not wear shorts that express camel toes.
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country. The infrastructure plans we are working on in Mexico, on our own territory, have nothing to do with anybody else.” Inside sources reveal that some of the tunnels are expected to be several miles long based on the amounts of construction materials purchased. Leaked blueprints allowed us to create this image of how the completed tunnels might look: Several statesubsidised paraglid ing schools h a v e a l s o a ppeared on high ground in the area, as well as companies offering trips in captive balloons, “so that Mexican citizens can better enjoy the particular natural features of the region”, according to an official statement. The Mexican government remains secretive as to the purpose of this mammoth construction project, but not about its funding: “The USA will pay for the tunnels,” explained Peña Nieto. — Reported by The-Postillon.com
New Pledge of Allegiance Mandated: Ghost-Written by Kellyanne Conway Commandant Trump, expanding his power over we serf’s everyday life in keeping with his expanding ego, has taken it upon himself to rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance, a cornerstone of American heritage. His version, ghost written by Kellyanne Conway with content and spell-checking by Ann Coulter, differs greatly from the Pledge of Allegiance we all grew up with. Trump states that it “better reflects our current times and realities.” The new, mandatory Pledge of Allegiance as re-writ ten and now copy righted by Pres ident-Select Donald J. Trump is as follows: I pledge my servitude to the Flag of the divided states of America and to the oligarchy which now controls it. One nation with a supplemental Central American population under our Lord Trump, highly inflammable, with liabilities and repression for all. Christians at first chafed at his dropping of “God,” replaced with “Lord Trump,” but after convening, they decided that it was okay, as
Horoscopes for Jerks: July, 2018 Aries: If you find yourself sweatin’ like a lob byist in church, take your clothes off and sell your body instead of your soul.
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Mexico Breaks Ground on Huge Tunnels Project Along US Border
Each site is located just a few 100 yards from the border. Diggers and construction vehicles are hard at work moving earth, yet it is currently not clear where the tunnels will lead and the government refused to answer questions from the media. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto is quoted as saying, “It’s nobody’s business. We can dig as many tunnels as we like in our own
confirmed, “after all, what kind of alien would have ‘People’s Republic of China’ written on the outside of their spaceship?” Parazoologists already agree that the Yeti is merely seeking attention. Just last year, he was adamant that he had spotted the Loch Ness monster in a mountain lake in Tibet. — Reported by The-Postillon.com
Headline News Section
Sagittarius: More than any other sign, you are at the greatest risk of swamp ass. *Members of cults and advertisers also at risk. May cause de pres sion, death, and big toe pain. Void where prohibited. Capricorn: Goats and goat fu**ers are not always one and the same; neither are po lit i cal sup port ers and funders of politicians. Aquarius: Like every other season, you won’t lack in social interaction this Summer. After all, there are even support groups for real survivors of shark attacks.
Virgo: Video game characters and puppet politicians don’t actually do anything to break sweats – and claiming they do is called a lie.
Pisces: Feeling like a fish out of water is common for you during the Summer. The good news is that you always have a bit of time to jump back in your delusions before you go to tally brain dead.
Libra: If you really think both sides of your scales are too hot to handle, stop succumbing to subliminal sex ads.
Catch up on previous Horoscope columns by Jennifer Hollie Bowles that you may have missed on the Hu mor Times website, www.humortimes.com!
SINGAPORE — It was not what he expected! After arriving in Singapore for his meeting with Kim Jong-Un, President Trump admitted he is deeply impressed with the
beauty and wealth of the North Korean nation. Trump expressed his admiration on a tour of the city-state with reporters. “It is such a modern and cosmopolitan city! They even have a McDonald’s here in North Korea!” he said. The president admitted that he had always imagined the country to be dismal and destitute, “But that is not true at all. There are skyscrapers and expensive cars all over the place. And that’s despite all the international sanctions! This Kim must be some kind of economic genius!” Trump concluded that dictatorships are the way to go. “And everyone sits up and pays attention to you, too,” he said. — Reported by The-Postillon.com
It’s Official: Humor Times Columnist Paul Lander is a Two-Timer!
long as it kept their side of things in power. Some members of the Republican Party were also opposed to certain sections of the new Pledge, but they were quickly ridiculed on Fox News and their corporate sponsors, and so quickly fell back into line. The Democrats were allowed no say in the matter, and those that did open their big mouths suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. This author will probably also suddenly and mysteriously disappear as well. — Reported by Roger Freed
Humor Times columnist Paul Lander came in third for a National Society of Columnists Award this month. He is now a two-time winner, having won Second Place last time. That puts him in great company, with folks like the late Roger Ebert and Dana Miliband. The win was in the “Humor: Print publications under 50,000 circulation” category. One judge commented on Paul’s work this way: “Lander’s got a great bead on the national political scene with his Ripping the Headlines column [read it below]. Some really good riffs on Trump & Co. — and every other hiccup on the national scene. Quick and clever reads.” We couldn’t agree more! Congratulations, Paul Lander!
Ripping the Headlines Today
By Jennifer Hollie Bowles Scorpio: This Summer, just remember that most people are afraid of men in speedos – and Scorpions.
Trump On Singapore: ‘Who Knew North Korea Was So Beautiful?’
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Kate Middleton in royal feud with Princess Beatrice I can almost hear ‘The Nature Boy,’ Ric Flair: ‘Royal Rumble! Steel cage! Princess ver sus Duch ess! One ti ara! Wooooo!’ Law suit: Assistant principal gave staff perks in exchange for sex That’s the difference between principals and principles. ‘Foreign actors’ accessed Hillary Clinton emails, documents show Damn you t o hell, Kates Winslet and Beckinsale! Trump slams ‘punch drunk,’ ‘low IQ’ Robert De Niro for ‘Tony’ outburst So, it’s ‘Rag ing Bull’ against ‘Rag ing Bullsh*^^er.’ Trump says he’ll punish ‘the people of Canada’ I can’t be only who wakes up every morning feeling better knowing we have a President who is taking no shit from Canada. Trump gave Kim a summit but left with little to show for it Let’s face it, the Trump/Kim meeting was less a summit and more a meeting of the ‘Bad Hair Club for Men.’
HUMOR TIMES
Sarah Huckabee Sanders to leave Trump Administration …probably for the relative quiet of Syria. Roseanne Barr now says ‘Planet of The Apes’ tweet was about anti-semitism Well, in fairness, it was originally the ‘Planet of the Apebergs...’ Michael Avenatti: ‘Dazed and Confused’ Giuliani has ‘lost his mind’ after Joe Biden attack I can’t be only one thinking Rudy Giuliani is setting up his own insanity defense... Paul Manafort heading to jail, accused of witness tampering Jail, or, as it’s also known, ‘Manafort’s Destiny.’ Jamie Foxx denies allegations he hit a woman with his genitals Al though, so far, the ev i dence is only circumcisional. Happy 49th Birthday, Ice Cube You’re getting near the age where your name is what you’ll need to put on your aching knees. Kim Jong Un brings home propaganda victory Kim better watch out, because Trump will someday dump him for Jonger Un.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
July, 2018
Witch Hunt Trump is tired of being picked on...
and dumped on.
He’s hired Rudy to cook up a solution...
that could finally help end it all.
He’s tidying up...
and has his own insurance policy.
He’s not afraid of the big bad wolf...
July, 2018
and his best friend is loving it.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Earth Blues EPA head Scott Pruitt is a walking disaster...
and may be too much, even by swamp standards.
But he insists he’s just doing his job...
like all the president’s men.
it’s clearer than ever that something must change... Meanwhile, as more data comes in...
and that deniers have lost all credibility.
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Meanwhile, plastic pollution continues to build up.
HUMOR TIMES
July, 2018
‘Family Values’ Party Does Immigration Policy Be forewarned...
a new Trump administration policy...
is separating children from their parents... just like the Bible says to do.
It’s easy when you see the “other” as inhuman...
but the cruel policy is causing unfathomable pain.
The administration should be forewarned too...
July, 2018
and their heartlessness sure makes you wonder.
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Fair Shot at Safe Schools Crazy ideas are being shot down...
but the NRA is still blasting nonsense.
How Bad Public Policy Happens Question: If you inject a stream of raw ignorance into a vat of gaseous arrogance, then jolt the mixture with 1,000 megawatts of malevolence… what does it produce? Answer: Donald Trump’s Executive Order of April 12, regarding the U.S. Post Office. Let’s start with the arrogance. King Donald the First has been in a deep pout over negative articles about him in the Washington Post newspaper, which is owned by Jeff Bezos, King of the Amazon.com empire. Trump has fired off several rounds of angry tweets assailing Bezos, including a potshot claiming that Amazon is ripping off the post office by underpaying for the millions of its packages that the postal services ships. Well, tweets are one thing, but King Donald has the firepower of the federal government at his beck and call, so he is arrogantly using the government power to escalate his personal spat with Bezos. By executive order, he set up a federal task force to conduct a pernicious political inquisition into “our money losing post office,” partic ularly looking at the “pricing of the package delivery market.” This is where Trump’s vast ignorance comes into play. Apparently, he’s blissfully unaware that, far from being a money loser, the U.S. Postal Service has actually been earning about a billion dollars a year in profit. The false claim of “unsustainable” operational losses, repeated in King Donald’s imperious order, stem from a 2006 political ploy by right wingers who want to destroy the public service. They passed a law dictating that USPS pre-fund retiree health benefits 75 years into the future — covering retirement costs for workers who haven’t even been born! This adds a totally hokey “expense” of up to $5 billion a year to the USPS corporate ledger, creating the fake “loss” Trump is now so bombastically citing as the rational for his destructive inquisition. The humble U.S. postal system has 30,000 outlets serving every part of America, employs 630,000 people in good middle-class jobs and delivers letters and packages clear across the country for a pittance. It is a jewel of public service excellence.
JIM HIGHTOWER Therefore, it must be destroyed. Such i s t he f e ver ed l ogi c of l ai ssez-fairy-headed corporate supremist like the bil lion aire Koch broth ers, along with the right-wing politicians who serve them. This malevolent gang of wrecking-ball privatizers includes such prominent Trumpteers as Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, (a former Wall Street huckster from Goldman Sachs) and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, a former corporate-hugging congress critter from South Carolina. Both were involved in setting up Trump’s shiny new task force to evaluate and restructure the “operations” of our U.S. Postal Service. It’s like trusting two foxes to remodel the hen house. Indeed, Trump himself merely wanted to take a slap at his political enemy, Amazon King Bezos, by jacking up the prices the postal agency charges to deliver Amazon’s packages. The cabal of far-right corporatizers, however, saw Trump’s temper tantrum as a golden opportunity to go after the postal service itself. So, instead of sim ply ad dress ing the mat ter of package pricing, the task force was authorized by a trumped-up ex ec u tive or der with an open-ended mandate to evaluate, dissect and restructure the people’s mail service — including the real Who’d buy the pieces? For-profit shippers like FedEx and UPS, of course, but here’s some serious irony for you: The one outfit with the cash and clout to buy our nation’s whole postal infrastructure and turn it into a monstrous corporate monopoly is none other than… the Amazon Kingdom, of course. Sometimes public policy inadvertently turns bad, but when it’s based on ignorance and arrogance, policy inevitably goes bad. To help stop the gross greed of these privatizers, become part of the Grand Alliance to Save Our Public Postal Service: www.AGrandAlliance.org.
They love to blame everything but guns...
but at least school’s out for summer.
16
HUMOR TIMES
July, 2018
Racism by Any Other Name Roseanne and Starbucks went through some changes...
To the magazine Donald Trump himself tweeted is “The Greatest Publication Ever! A must-read, now that Roseanne is gone! I star in it, so it must be good!*” *Note: If the president calls this “fake news,” he’s a liar.
®
and racists everywhere found a new excuse...
Try it, we don’t bite! Okay, we do, but only if you’re deserving. Makes a great gift! Use the subscription form on page 3, or go to humortimes.com, and use the subscription link on the left (scroll down if on a smaller device).
Mighty Ducks, Small Fluffy Dogs and Other Dating Dealbreakers
but there really is no excuse at all.
Meanwhile, at least some good things are happening.
July, 2018
A man I met for coffee recently told me that he didn’t date women with small fluffy dogs “because women with small fluffy dogs are too high maintenance.” This inspired to me ask my friends if they’d ever encountered any similarly odd, quirky, funny and/or surprising dating dealbreakers. Here’s a sampling of their responses: A friend once gave me this dating advice: “Stay away from people who take short, quick steps!” A man I was seeing asked me if I’d consider dying my hair because he didn’t want to date a blonde. I once refused to go out with a guy because he’d never heard of Jane Austen. I had a rule that my date had to be able to name a favorite Magnetic Fields song. I won’t consider guys who don’t wear jeans. I have a “three cat maximum” rule. I won’t date a man who doesn’t love his mom. I won’t date you if you don’t have a library card. I once broke up with a man after he told me that public libraries are obsolete. I won’t date you if you’ve never seen The Mighty Ducks. I won’t date a man who can’t do his own laundry. I won’t date a Cubs fan. #Soxfanforlife!!! I live in LA and I wont date anyone who works in the entertainment industry. They’re a bunch of toxic narcissists and I’ve had it with all of them! A woman once broke up with me because she’d promised her daughter that she wouldn’t date anyone who was shorter than the daughter was. No musicians. No redheads.
HUMOR TIMES
ROZ WARREN
No Lisas. My dating turnoffs? Guys who chew loudly, are rude to the waiter, and who eat less than I do when we go out. I won’t date a guy with a comb over. I won’t date anyone who quotes Monty Python more than twice a week. My cousin had a rule that before she dated a man he had to be able to keep something alive, healthy and thriving in his care… child, cat, dog, fish, house plant. (And the mold in his refrigerator didn’t count.) I once broke up with a guy after he refused to kiss me because he was a vegan and my mouth was “tainted” because I eat meat. A guy once broke up with me because I was “too nice.” No regrets. I’d rather be alone than a bitch. Because I’m too nice myself, I didn’t tell the date who dissed small fluffy dogs that I don’t date men with small, fluffy brains. But I’m a writer, so I went home and turned him into a humor piece. So if dating a woman who just might write about you if you do or say something really stupid is your own dealbreaker? Better stay away from me. (Roz Warren is the author of “Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor” and “Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library,” both of which make great gifts for librarians and
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
July, 2018
July, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.
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