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Editor’s Letter
Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It – with the Humor Times! ®
We hear it every couple years: “This could be the most important election in your lifetime!” Only this time, it’s probably true. Don’t take it from me, this president is dangerous – to the environment, to worker’s rights, to the economy (as the trade war really starts doing damage), to the very idea of democracy – and needs to be stood up to. Take it from the many staunch conservatives who have had enough, and are speaking out. In an unprecedented wave, they are doing their best to turn Congress blue, as a check on power. Conservatives like Charlie Sykes, longtime writer and political commentator. In a recent piece in The Guardian, Sykes says, “As Donald Trump extends his control over the Republican party, American conservatism has entered a pseudo-Orwellian stage where weakness is strength, appeasement is toughness, lies are truth, and ‘America first’ means ‘blame America first.’” Or Max Boot, senior fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations: “What’s really shocking to me is the extent to which the Republican Party has transformed itself into a Donald Trump cult. So many people have drunk the KoolAid, including people that I once had respect for. It’s really been a gut-wrenching and soul-crushing experience for me to see this going on… Today we are locked in a bitter custody battle over the future of the Republican Party: Will it return to its previous principles or will it remain forever a populist, white-nationalist movement in the image of Donald Trump?” Or former Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who said about Trump: “He is an agent de facto of Russia’s foreign policy. The foreign policies he’s advocating, the bipartisan consensus that existed pre-Trump between Republicans and Democrats would have recognized his foreign policy as clearly in the middle lane of the Kremlin’s strategic interests. To see it being advanced by an American president is as disturbing as it is shocking.” These are not ambiguous opinions, they are cries of alarm. Tried and true conservatives, as well as liberals, see dangerous incompetence in the White House – and feel it is their duty to try to help save the Republic by electing a Congress that will check him. We should listen.
Get a whopping
– James Israel, Editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 27, Issue 319, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: Rod Bartchy, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jeff Cahlon, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2018. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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HUMOR TIMES
3
Supreme Con Job His early education prepared him...
and Republicans held him up as exemplary.
which the GOP found disgusting. Allegations were made that complicated things, though...
and they brought in a temp worker... So, Trump coached up Kav...
he-said situation. (continued) making it a simple she-said...
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
To Repubs, it seemed a wham-bam...
thank you, ma’am...
wondering what’s up with these crazy women. and they may have started celebrating too soon...
and promised to give them free rein... But they were forced to call in the FBI...
Yeah, right. (conclusion pg. 7) to do the job professionally.
November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
5
Kavanaugh Huffs and Puffs His Way to SCOTUS Brett Kavanaugh’s pathway to the Supreme Court has been more circuitous than a drunken snake’s slide down a bobsled run. No matter whether you were in favor of the confirmation of the conservative justice or dead set against it, you have to admit the man overcame more obstacles than an Olympic hurdler training on a bombed-out alley in downtown Aleppo. His journey featured enough lowlights to scorch the balls of the feet of a thousand centipedes, but the high point of the lowlights may have been the contentious hearing where the nominee ranted and raved and cried and sneered and loudly proclaimed he liked beer! Deviating from previous self-portrayals as a sober non-partial umpire, Kavanaugh exhibited the temperament of a spoiled 5th grader who got caught in a lie, then tried overwrought indignation to bluff his way through. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. In an effort to delay, deflect and defray, Arizona Republican Jeff Flake struck a deal with the rest of his Senate Judiciary Committee for an abbreviated FBI investigation into the sexual assault allegations before the full Senate voted. With an emphasis on the “abbreviated.” More thorough investigations are required for dishwashing positions at suburban Applebee’s. The announced week-long investigation barely lasted four days, which is Senate-speak for many months’ worth of arduous toil. The White House purportedly limited the scope of the investigation, prompting Democrats to call the inquiry a travesty of a mockery of a sham. And for Republicans to call Democrats — predictable. The FBI declined to talk to Kavanaugh or his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, which is like not speaking to either the driver or the victim of a hit and run. Obviously, the administration preferred the FBI interview more trustworthy witnesses like Lindsay Graham, Mitch McConnell, Alex Jones and Kanye West. After the report was submitted, to say the committee made it hard to read is like hinting that active lava makes a substandard base for a nice Hawaiian punch. This arrangement made “cursory” seem planted in concrete, threaded with steel webbing and encased in polyurethane. All 100 senators, in one-hour increments were forced to share a single physical copy; probably a 3rd generation Xerox of a smudged mimeograph which could only be read in a darkened room. With the drapes closed. In 8-point type. Translated into Farsi. Printed in yellow. In the wake of the Senate voting 50-48 to hand Kavanaugh a lifetime position on the Supreme Court, the highest court of the land, Donald Trump bragged “a lot of women are extremely happy.”
Don’t know which women he’s WILL DURST talking about, but would hazard to guess more than a few of them share his fa ther’s last name. Explaining his use of a female human shield interrogator, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Republican Chuck Grassley, claimed the reason more women aren’t members is because the job is a lot of work. Putting him in contention for this year’s “Clueless Male Who Breathes Misogyny In and Out Like Oxygen” Award. But, alas, he hasn’t even cracked the top ten. Democrats pray these proceedings will produce a midterm wave of outraged females voicing frustration at being further dismissed and disenfranchised, while Republicans expect these proceedings to produce a midterm wave of outraged males who resent their entitlement being threatened.
The GOP Hokey Pokey Be very careful, because it’s getting crazy out there. You don’t want to end up collateral damage accidentally straying into the path of the newest dance craze sweeping the Republican Party. Closely related to the St. Vitus Dance, it is characterized by rapid, uncoordinated jerky movements and commonly referred to as the Donald Trump Two-Step. It’s pretty simple really: swing your arms back and forth, take one step forward, turn right, turn righter, take one step back. And repeat. Kind of like the Twist meets the Mexican Hat Dance meets the Hokey Pokey, with a heavy emphasis on the Pokey. The goal is a lot of movement without any discernable directional advancement. There’s an election coming up, and the threat of a Blue Wave is spooking conservatives like cobwebs in a closet with the lights out after midnight. So this spasmodic twitching is the direct result of pressure being applied from behind as well as the front, the left, the right, the in and the out. Candidates are suffering from the dreaded Trump Sandwich Effect. The dilemma is whether to be caught in a clinch, slow-dancing with the president, which works in some red districts or to waltz away so far, the Chief-Executive can’t even be seen due to the curvature of the earth — the norm in almost every swing district. There’s a third option, the stutter-step of trying to have it both ways leading to the tortured choreography that a passing priest might describe as demonic possession. This is a problem similar to what Democratic office-seekers ex pe ri ence with Nancy Pelosi. The difference being, she rumbas a little more under the radar. Unfortunately the president thinks he’s John Travolta and can’t help discoing into every single spotlight event whether he’s asked to or not, including hurricanes. Florida GOP senatorial candidate Rick Scott, fox trotting in a dead heat with incumbent Democrat Bill Nelson, was forced by his state’s demographics to disown the president’s statement that his e n e m i e s i n f l a t e d H u r ri c a n e Maria’s death toll in Puerto Rico to make him look bad. Paul Ryan said there is no reason to dispute the numbers. And he’s not even running for office. You don’t need a weatherman to tell which way this wind is blowing. Each and every GOP candidate has to make the decision whether to risk insulting Trump’s base or the intelligence of normal ordinary human beings. Hence the devel op ment of this dance of dishonor. Samba of shame. Hypocritical hula. W h e n e v e r M i s te r Tr u mp shoots out a crude tweet, says something demonstrably false or acts with an oafishness normally at trib uted to drunken griz zly bears, his loyal backers gravely announce being mildly offended and issue a statement that sort of, but not really, criticizes his behavior. Then claim to be totally satisfied with his intention to make amends, even if he hasn’t said anything to that effect. I t ’s t he Don al d Tr um p Two-Step, where you bounce up and down and move in and out, bopping and weaving so you never as sume a sin gle po si tion long enough for anyone to get a bead on you. The good news i s t hi s slam-dance marathon only lasts another 7 weeks. The bad news is many will drop either from exhaustion, confusion or by tripping over their own feet. Or to be more precise, the Oval Office rug cutter’s size 12s. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-touring political comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org). See willdurst.com for cal endar listings.
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Supreme Con Job (conclusion) In the end, Repubs squeaked it through...
and declared victory...
having amassed the all cover they needed.
They even managed to turn the narrative around.
despite having won the battle... But it’s true, they do have reason to worry...
just to strike their Faustian bargain. as they were willing to subvert core American values...
November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
7
Minority Party Blues Dems tried everything they could think of...
knowing what was at stake.
But when the hammer came down...
things seemed pretty glum.
Fear can take a toll...
and make you do things you’re not proud of.
But they’re bringing back their stars...
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and emphasizing their strong suit.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Midterms Are Coming Repubs may have won the battle...
but are in danger of losing the war.
AST ! L A AP HE T IDE C S A TE GIF E K MA MINU
Their go-to strategy is losing steam...
Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.
23rd Annual Fine Arts Festival Nov 16, 4-8pm Nov 17, 10am-5pm at Spanos Comm. Center
920 W. March Ln., Stockton See John Reiger’s work at the Artist Collaborative Gallery 129 K St. in Old Sacramento www.johnreigerpottery.com
because hell hath no fury like women voters scorned.
Become a Humor Times Patron! Please consider joining the growing ranks of Humor Times patrons, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you! Here are a few of our present Sustaining Supporters: John McDonald • Josephine Decaro Rutigliano • Michael Egan • Jason Johnson • and YOU?
www.patreon.com/humortimes November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’ Trump Appoints Putin to Cybersecurity Task Force Pres i dent Don ald Trump held a press conference today to announce that he will be forming a new international cybersecurity task force, with Russian president Vladimir Putin serving as chair.
Trump said he and Putin discussed the formation of the task force at their recent summit meeting in Helsinki, Finland. “I had a ter rific, very pro duc tive meeting with President Putin in Helsinki,” Trump said. “We were discussing how working together we can protect democracy, and I said to Putin, ‘We should form a task force.’ “President Putin very graciously offered to serve as chair. Of course I immediately accepted.” In addition to finding the hacker of the 2016 election, Trump said he and Putin were determined to prevent any future hacking of democratic elections. “So I have a message for every 400 pound guy out there who would interfere with our democracy or that of any other country around the world,” Trump said. “You can run, but you can’t hide. Actually, you probably can’t run that much either. Because you are 400 pounds.” Trump said that, to assist Putin in performing his duties as chair of the task force, Putin would be attending all future U.S. intelligence briefings, “especially the highly sensitive ones.” “Putin told me he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for him to attend U.S. intelligence briefings, but I insisted,” Trump said. “That’s how committed I am to protecting American democracy." Reported by Jeff Cahlon.
Ta u r u s : B e t h a n k f u l f o r anything other than seasonal Holiday binge eating… Anything at all. Gemini: You should be thankful you’re witty and charming enough for anyone to tolerate your fickle duality. Cancer: Be thankful for your soft innards: they have Omega 3 Fatty Acids that are proven to im prove over all health and well being. Leo: Thank your friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, and strangers for feeding your pride. Virgo: It’s okay: you can be grateful for being beautiful, so long as you’re not relying on botox, oxys, and air brush to cope with Cover Girl commercials. Libra: Happy Birthday beautiful Scale people! Enjoy your center of balance, even if it’s the most idealistic perspective ever.
Explosive new revelations emerged today about Judge Brett Kavanaugh, whose nomination to the Supreme Court was confirmed by the Senate on Saturday, following a renewed FBI investigation. Previously undisclosed results of the investigation indicate that, despite boasts of “1 0 0 o r bus t” i n Kavanaugh’s high school yearbook, Kavanaugh and his friends only consumed 97 kegs of beer in their senior year. “Our investigation raised serious doubts about whether the last 3 kegs were ever fully consumed,” said a senior FBI official. Kavanaugh, offended by such “unfounded allegations,” disputed the FBI’s findings. “I like beer,” Kavanaugh said. “I liked beer in high school. I like beer today. And I’ll be enjoying many, many beers while I’m sitting on the Supreme Court writing totally fair, unbiased, apolitical opinions destroying everything liberals cherish.”
“So I can as sure you of one thing,” Kavanaugh continued. “Me and my buddies were the slop pi est, mos t ob no x i ous drunks you’ve ever seen throw ice in your face.” “Now I’ve had some terrible things said about me recently. But the accusation that I would leave a perfectly good keg unfinished is the lowest form of character assassination,” Kavanaugh said, adding, “I’m pretty sure the Clintons are behind it.” “The judge needs to come clean,” said Senator Cory Booker, Democrat from New Jersey. “The American people deserve to know the truth: Was it 100 kegs, or was it bust?” Kavanaugh’s nomination was so divisive, some Americans are wondering whether the nation’s political discourse, and the image of the Supreme Court, could possibly get worse. Asked about this, Kavanaugh responded, “Hold my beer.” Reported by Jeff Cahlon.
Local Satanists Fight ‘War on Halloween’ Lo cal Satanists Gary Slaughter and Ber tha Black wood are fighting to end the “war on Halloween.” The couple was spotted holding signs written in blood in downtown Las Angeles that said “Satanist holidays matter” and “Wish me a Happy Halloween… or else.” This year, they hope to end the blatant disrespect of their religious holiday, saying they can feel interest in Halloween waning each year. “I’m tired of walking into a store on Halloween and the cashier simply saying ‘hello,’” Blackwood said. “It is Halloween, the day I sacrifice my cat to the devil and then give candy to your children. It is insulting that people don’t recognize how important this holiday is to us.” “Last year, I went to Target and bought 10 whole bags of Halloween candy and a voodoo doll. It was obvious I was planning to celebrate the holiday, but the cashier had the nerve to sim-
ply say ‘have a nice day’ to me as I left,” said Slaughter, while snorting a line of cocaine. “I then screamed ‘Happy Halloween’ and stared viciously at her, waiting for a reply. I was shocked and offended when she started crying.” Blackwood and Slaughter are worried that the country is slipping away from Satan. “When someone doesn’t say ‘Happy Halloween’ to me, it just reminds me that there are people out there who don’t believe in the devil, and that really upsets me,” Blackwood said sniffling. “In fact it upsets me so much, I want to break out my ouija board in the middle of the store and summon dead souls from hell so I can show people what they’re missing.” The couple said they will be out on the streets of Los Angeles every day between now and Halloween, making sure everyone is aware of the sacredness of their holiday. They claimed they can’t think of a better use of their time than making sure everyone, regardless of religious views or preferences, wishes them a “Happy Halloween” this year. Reported by Carrie Pinkard.
Hookers, Porn Models in Uproar after ‘Mario Kart’ Trump Dick Revelation LAS VEGAS – The International Union of Sex Workers was in an uproar after Stormy Daniels’ revelation in her book Full Disclosure that Donald Trump’s penis is “smaller than average, though not freakishly small,” with a “huge mushroom head, like a toadstool” resembling “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” “Ha, ha! Is not true!” laughed Olga Putitin, a Rus sian lady of the night who claimed to be one of t he prostitutka who peed on Trump’s Moscow bed in the notorious “golden shower” tapes held by the Kremlin. “Com rade Trumpski’s dick re ally is smekhotvorno malenky (freakishly small). Its lit tle knobski is more like a lastik dlya karandashey (pencil eraser) than a toadstool.” In her book, Ms Daniels notes that sex with the Donald was “the least impressive I’ve had,” although “clearly he didn’t share that opinion.” Daniels adds enigmatically that the President has “Yeti pubes,” though no one has yet been able to explain this apparent reference to the Abominable Snowman. Perhaps it’s a joke about his cold, little snow balls. Asked to comment, “Hollywood Madam” Heidi Fleiss, a former president of the IUSW, strongly disagreed with Ms Daniels’ critical assessment. “The President is bigly — a giant, a colossus among men!” she insisted, after taking a call from a blocked phone number in DC. “There’s no problem down there, or with his little hands, I can assure you,” she added, after confirming a money transfer to her account. Playboy model Karen McDougal, however, reportedly also one of the president’s recent amours, said only that she hadn’t noticed one way or another. “Most of the time I was with him all he wanted to do was watch shark videos and complain about Barak Obama.” Contacted at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump was “unable to comment,” noting that she had signed both a Non-Disclosure Agreement and a Pre-Nup. After her husband’s pending imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay, however, which she anticipates daily, she might have a few choice words to add. Reported by Michael Egan.
Ripping the Headlines Today
By Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
Scor pio: Happy Birth day Scor pi ons! When some one trusts you at all, be very thankful - because like a political orga ni za tion, no one re ally knows what the hell is going on with you.
Kanye changing his name I’m thinking he should go by Cra Z.
Banksy painting shreds itself after $1.4M sale at London auction … uh, everybody’s a critic.
Sagittarius: You have a wonderful way of being thankful for your accomplishments. Just remember that no matter what memes tell you, the successes of others are not an affront to yours.
Houston votes to ban ‘sex robot brothel’ opening … damn, and I was so looking forward to the musical ‘The Best Little Whorehouse and Apple Store in Texas!’
Chinese actresses BingBing was fined 132 million in back taxes Damn, with that kinda money she should change her name to BlingBling.
Capricorn: There may be no reference point for it in popular cul ture or pol i tics, but go ahead and give thanks for that one time you did something no one expected.
New NAFTA: U.S, Canada, Mexico agree to ‘USMCA’ Or, as B ret t K a va na ugh c a l l s i t t h e BudDosEquisMolson Pact.
Instagram down: App stops working as it refuses to load people’s pictures and profiles … on the upside, if there’s no pic of your food you don’t put on any calories.
‘Jeopardy’s’ Alex Trebek moderated the Pennsylvania Gubernatorial debate Damn, what’s next? A game show host as President…? Oh wait!… Never mind!
Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino sentenced to 8 months in prison That’ll show all the people who said this guy could no longer get himself arrested!
By age 3, Donald Trump was earning $200,000 a year in today’s dollars from his father’s empire Or, enough to pay off any nanny whose p&*sy he grabbed.
Woman sues Delta Air Lines for letting drunk passenger who allegedly sexually assaulted her walk away, offering her $200 voucher … and moved his seat to the Supreme Court.
Dunkin’ Donuts employee fired for pouring water on sleeping homeless man Which is even crueler if you realize it was hotter than a cup of their coffee…
Kavanaugh sworn in as Supreme Court justice after divided Senate votes for confirmation C’mon, I can’t be the only worried someone who was accused of flashing showing up to work every day dressed in a robe.
Aquarius: The next time you feel grateful you have access to boujee parks for your dog to poop, remember that sex trafficking and suicide is still rampant. Pisces: Float around and feel thankful and hateful for everything and nothing, like you usually do.
Catch up on previous funny Horoscope columns by Jennifer Hollie Bowles that you may have missed on the Humor Times website at humortimes.com!
12
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
FBI Investigation: Kavanaugh a Failure by Own Metric, Drank Just 97 Kegs of Beer
Horoscopes for Jerks: November, 2018 Aries: Give thanks that you have friends and family who understand you’re not always right.
Headline News Section
By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump says he fell in love Kim Jung Un over his beautiful letters Kim better watch out because Trump’ll one day leave him for a hotter Junger Un…
Happy 63rd birthday, Yo Yo Ma Think how different your life would be if your name was Yo Ma Ma.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Majority Party (for now)
Foreign Affairs
Repub candidates cannot rest easy...
With Trump, flattery will get you everywhere...
though they’re putting on a brave face. and his attention span is famously short.
Meanwhile, there were rumors about Bert & Ernie...
The White House’s Middle East plan is no plan at all...
but they were quickly squashed.
and the Saudis think they have a license to kill.
November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
13
Laughing All the Way to the Bank Trump’s stump speech was never so well received...
as it was at the U.N.
But his favorite gig is the comedy rally...
where his insult comic shtick really kills.
He’s used to getting the last laugh...
and he’s inspired a new generation with his example.
when you learn from the best. (continued)
It’s easy, he says...
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Meanwhile, some embarrassing disclosures...
unwelcome texts...
and more denials...
sent Trump back to the comfort & safety of his cocoon.
He can’t wait to unload after the midterms...
and send certain people packing.
In other news, Nicky Halley announced she’ll be leaving...
November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
but the prez already has a U.N. replacement in mind.
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Economy Despite repeated warnings...
Trump said his trade war would be easy.
He bragged that tiny changes to NAFTA were bigly...
What If We Made Voting Fun? At last, here comes Tuesday, Nov. 6: Time to vote! From coast to coast, We the People will stream into polling places to say “yes” (or “no”) to a lineup of politicos seeking to become our public officials. It’s the majestic panorama of democracy in action. Well… describing today’s electoral process as “majestic” is hardly the right word, for millions of our citizens will not be allowed to vote. That’s because a consortium of national, state and local officials of Republican persuasion — along with their corporate ringleaders — have mounted a tawdry campaign over the past decade to slam the ballot box shut on entire segments of America’s electorate. In a concerted effort, these rabidly partisan officials have targeted African-Americans, students, Latinos, the elderly, union households, the poor, immigrants and other communities of qualified voters to shoo them away on election day. Why? Because such citizens tend to vote for Democrats and progressive ballot initiatives. So the GOP’s grand strategy is to “win,” and not by getting the most votes — by aggressively (and shamefully) shutting out millions of Americans who might vote against their plutocratic, autocratic, kleptocratic candidates and agenda. Consider Election Day itself: Tuesday. A work day, automatically eliminating people who work two or three jobs who can’t afford to take off a couple of hours or more to get to the polls and wait in line to vote. Move elections to weekends, make it a holiday, vote by mail… make democracy easy! Instead, in a depraved, anti-democratic grab for partisan gain, Republican officials have frenetically been planting thick brier patches of ridiculous rules, logistical barriers, intimidation tactics, ballot deceptions and outright voters bans in targeted precincts across the country. These thugs are stealing the people’s most valuable civic property: our votes. They should at least have to wear ski masks on Election Day so everyone can see who’s doing this to us. You don’t need a PhD in political science to discover a shameful truth about America’s democratic process: It’s not all that democratic. In fact, as Chris Rock — the actor, comedian and social commentator — succinctly put it several years ago, “They don’t want you to vote.” By “they,” he means the power elites who
JIM HIGHTOWER benefit by restricting the vote as tightly as possible to people who support candidates and policies that advance their plutocratic rule over “Us, the People.” We can wring our hands about the rampant voter suppression suffocating the people’s will, or we could join hands to support common-sense measures for voter expansion. Start with basic ethics. It’s an abomination that politicians rig the system to exclude legitimate voters, and those who do so should be publicly shamed and mocked for their pretension that they’re “protecting the integrity” of the ballot box. All they’re protecting is their political posteriors, and they should be called out by name for stealing. We should demand a culture of full participation, requiring voter suppressors to prove the validity of shutting out each and every voter they target. Tear down the barriers. Some 6 million felons who’ve paid their dues should be restored to full citizenship. Every 18-year-old should automatically be registered to vote. No mass purges of voter rolls. Vote-by-mail. Extended and easy absentee voting. Election Week rather than Election Day. Acceptance of any valid ID. Voting where you live. Restoring the Voting Rights Act. A constitutional amendment ensuring every eligible individual’s right to vote. And invest ing fully in our na tion’s dem o cratic infrastructure with verifiable voting machines, multiple polling places within easy reach of all, an abun dance of trained poll work ers to eliminate lines and quickly resolved problems. And here’s a crazy idea: Make voting fun! It should be a festive occasion for the whole community. In Australia, for example, most polling places have barbecues. Why not add music, art, games and other enjoyment to make voting a truly civic activity? America’s democratic pageant doesn’t have to be a grinding obstacle course, an intimidating experience … or boring. After all, it belongs to us.
but he may have started his own “War on Christmas.”
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Slow-Cooked Don’t worry, the effects won’t be all that bad...
for a while yet.
just enjoy the here and now.
Don’t think too hard about it...
What’s important is living the good life...
while you can.
What goes around comes around...
November, 2018
yadda yadda yadda.
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
November, 2018
HUMOR TIMES
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