Humor Times, January 2019

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” – Voltaire Issue #321

January, 2019

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Mere l $2.9 y 8

Formerly the ‘Comic Press News’

California Stage Theater Creations presents Juno and the Paycock

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

®

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Sean O’Casey Make reservations for Juno and the Paycock by Sean O’Casey!

The highly regarded play takes place in the tenements of Dublin in 1922, just after the outbreak of the Irish Civil War, and revolves around the misfortunes of the dysfunctional Boyle family.

Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul

by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Phone reservations only: 916-451-5822.

Fridays & Sat at 8PM, Sun at 2PM January 18 to February 17 TICKETS: $20/$15/$12 • 916-451-5822 California Stage in the R25 Arts Complex

25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking • 916-451-5822

Station Rental Available Ask for Michael 2115 J Street, Ste. 102-A Sacramento (In the courtyard next to Tapa the World)

916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com

Open Saturday 10-2

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief, subscribe! Then, do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today!

Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ info clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $24.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 Hey, @HumorTimes, you’re fake funny, okay?

So funny, I forgot to laugh!

*$2 OFF any subscription when you order online at subs.humortimes.com!

The News, Told in Cartoon Form, by the World’s Best Editorial Cartoonists!

OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 2

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

Editor’s Letter

Obituary

Republicans, especially the president, seem to love the phrase “fake news” these days – hurling it every time they hear news that contradicts their chosen narrative. But let’s look at their favorites sources of news and see how they measure up to reality.

Fox News, of course, has been the go-to source of news and information for most conservatives since its inception. How accurate is this “news” network?

Well, let’s check in with PolitiFact.com, a fact-checking organization launched in 2007, which, according to their site, is a nonpartisan fact-checker that “seeks to present the true facts, unaffected by agenda or biases. Our journalists set their own opinions aside as they work to uphold principles of independence and fairness.” They further state that “PolitiFact does not accept donations from anonymous sources, political parties, elected officials or candidates seeking public office, or any other source with a conflict of interest.”

Donald attended the George H.W. Bush funeral...

PolitiFact gave the following ratings for statements made on air by Fox, Fox News and Fox Business personalities and their pundit guests, but not including statements made on air by politicians or paid spokespeople: True: 10%, Mostly True: 12%, Half True: 19%, Mostly False: 21%, False: 29%, Pants on Fire: 9%. So, almost 60% false. Hmm, not too dependable!

For CNN, the ratings are: True: 16%, Mostly True: 37%, Half True: 20%, Mostly False: 9%, False: 14%, Pants on Fire: 4%. So, about 27% false.

Total false statements for some more networks: NBC: 42%, ABC: 35%, CBS: 45%.

For some talk radio hosts: Glenn Beck: 58%, Rush Limbaugh: 83%(!), Sean Hannity: 55%.

So, it would appear that the network Trump most likes to accuse of disseminating “fake news,” CNN, is actually by far the most accurate, at only 27% false. And right-wing sources are all less accurate and more misleading than the standard broadcast networks. Interesting.

Of course, we’d prefer that all the networks do a much better job at fact-checking and minimizing false information, but it’s clear by this source and other fact-checking organizations that Fox and the conservative radio hosts are extremely poor sources of information – that is, if you’re interested in facts and not “alternative facts,” reality not fantasy, knowing the truth vs looking for reinforcement of your pre-conceived notions.

and inevitable comparisons were made...

Here in the Humor Times magazine, of course, we’re not trying to be especially factual. Humor, by it’s very nature, exaggerates and fantasizes. Editorial cartoons often take things to the extreme, just to show where a certain attitude or trend might lead. And as a publication, we do lean left, unabashedly. But then, we don’t claim to be the Sole Stalwarts of Truth, to the exclusion of everyone else – Fox News, Hannity and Limbaugh, etc, do that.

– James Israel, Editor

and although they made Bush more of angel than he was...

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 28, Issue 321, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)

Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Contributors: Rod Bartchy, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jeff Cahlon, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2019. No part may be reproduced without permission.

$2 • SAVE TWO BUCKS by ordering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Trump can only hope he’ll be as well remembered.

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $24.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $50.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $47.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $78.95 Trial Sub (3 issues) . . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): __________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (OR include all this info on a sheet of paper. Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

January, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

3

Courtroom Drama Cohen pled guilty by reason of insane loyalty...

and so ended his wild ride.

Trump said he got what he deserved...

and that these trials only serve to clear him.

But some disturbing new allegations were revealed...

that tie him ever closer to Putin.

Still, Trump’s not worried, cuz he has all the best people... and makes the best deals. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

Trump feels that everyone is ratting on him these days...

But it’s all too real...

and sometimes it seems like a bad dream.

and his time may soon be up.

He doesn’t want to admit it, though.

But the harder he tries...

the harder it gets... and justice awaits.

January, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

5

Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2018 Sit the kids down. Let the dogs out. Prop the grandparents up. The nation’s patience has been richly rewarded, because the eagerly awaited list of the 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories has been officially released. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

But first a caution: please do not confuse this list with the top ten legitimate news stories of 2018.

No. No. No. They are as different as charcoal sketches of historic steam engines and a bucket of compost. Like golden-stitched, sequined blue jean jackets are to chocolate brownies. Bow ties and dirt bikes.

There are no wildfires or hurricanes or kids kept in cages or bone saws or cave dwelling Thai soccer teams, nor mention of the movie “The Happytime Murders” in this report. No casualties from the #MeToo or TimesUp movements. These are the stories that most lent themselves to (s)mocking and scoffing and taunting. So here they are, the 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories: 10. Proposal to Give Teachers Guns. Brilliant idea. And the cure for concussions is hammers. It admittedly would add an interesting element to the faculty lounge. Might help parent teacher conferences resolve a little earlier. Of course then all the school employees would want them. And the librarians would demand silencers on theirs.

9. Kim Kardashian Meets with Trump. In May, the two broke the old record for largest assemblage of White House ass, set in 1978 when Jimmy Carter welcomed the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Champions. Five months later her husband Kanye West set the bar even higher. Or lower.

8. Kim Jjong Un & The Singapore Summit. A win-win. Trump got a great photo op and Kim Jong Un got to leave North Korea and eat real food.

7. Books On Trump. Four major publications and every one calls him nuttier than the hospitality suite at a squirrel convention. Stormy Daniels said his male member looks like a mushroom prompting a protest from the American Mushroom Institute. Apparently, every twenty years America needs to know the shape of the leader of the leader of the free world.

6. Vladimir Putin & The Helsinki Summit. The president made Neville Chamberlain look like a mixed martial arts champ. He sucked up so hard he probably left hickeys.

5. UN Laughs at Trump. After he claimed to be the best president EVER, they laughed. And because of translation delays, it was a slow ripple of laughter punctuated by the occasional guffaw.

4. White House Corruption. His malfeasance is so large it can be seen from space. Rick Gates testified under oath he stole money from Paul Manafort who stole money from Donald Trump who stole money from everybody. These guys are the Russian nesting dolls of crime.

3. The Kavanaugh HearWILL DURST ings. Women outraged for being disenfranchised and white men out raged for… hav ing their entitlements challenged.

2. The Blue Wave. Against all odds, the Democrats actually exhibited a pulse. The midterms were less of an election and more of an intervention.

1. Donald John Trump. Refuses to release his DNA to prove he’s a carbon-based life-form. The president calls his administration a finely tuned machine, which certainly sounds better than out-of-control dumpster fire but might be a little less apt.

Monetizing the White House Money. Moolah. Cash. Dough. Scratch. Dinero. Benjamins. Greenbacks. Cabbage. Lettuce.

Gravy. Whatever you call it, nobody ever has enough of it: you, me, poor people, rich people and even, apparently, America.

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell says the country needs to slash entitlements because of our huge deficit. What he fails to mention is he’s mostly responsible for that deficit because of the $1.5 trillion corporate tax cut pushed through earlier this year. Kind of like the kid who murders his parents then begs the court for mercy owing to him being an orphan.

Of course, now, with a change in the House of Representatives, you got a better chance of a wounded gazelle taking down a pride of lions than getting the Democrats to sign off on cuts to Social Security and Medicare. Unless, of course, it would increase their reelection prospects.

Fortunately, we have a president who’s good at monetizing things. After all, he ran a string of casinos and hotels and golf courses and beauty pageants and football teams and airlines and universities and made plenty of money, right? With only a couple of bankruptcies. Okay, 6. And a gazillion lawsuits, but still.

This nation needs someone who knows how to sell the presidency and the current occupant seems the perfect match. He’s already presented a Medal of Honor to the wife of his largest donor. If the rich are willing to drop big bucks for hunks of metal dangling from ribbons, we should do everything in our power to accommodate them.

There’s plenty more ways this Administration can raise money by offering items of interest for which the general public might be willing to cough up hard currency, and here are just a few of the more marketable, with fancy titles: First Lady Make Over. An intensive one-hour beauty consultancy with the lovely Me lania Knauss Trump.

Rumble in the Trumple. Presidential son Eric will let you beat him at tic-tac-toe in the lobby of Trump Tower.

Im peach ment Pool. A national lottery on what day the House will vote to impeach. Submissions closest to exact vote earn bonuses.

Best Friends Forever. High qual ity lim ited edi tion au tographed photos of Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless. Not very limited.

Why This Night Is Re ally Dif fer ent Pack age . Ivanka Trump Kushner will attend your Se der and bring home made matzo.

Vice Pres i den tial Spa. A soothing back rub from VP Mike Pence. Note: cannot be performed in the presence of a woman.

Al ter na tive Facts Can Be Fun. Kellyanne Conway & Sarah Huckabee Sanders con duct a how-to webinar where they teach stu dents how to dis pute commonly held beliefs like gravity and nighttime. Self-delusion a pre-requirement.

Pars, Putts & Pitches with the POTUS. Round of golf with the Leader of the Free World.

Mulligans not included.

Munching w/ the Munchkin.

Don Jr. will provide lunch at same res tau rant ta ble he ate with Natalia Veselnitskaya.

Grisly Is As Grisly Does. Private audio session with Mohammed bin Salman describing the action during Jamal Kashoggi’s “interrogation.”

Rep re sen ta tive You. Your very own US Congressional seat. (limited to residents of red states) Boss Tweeter. The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet.

Boss Sweeter. The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet, favorably. Costs just a wee bit more.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-touring political comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org).

See willdurst.com for cal endar listings.

6

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2018

They’re B-A-A-A-C-K! Dems have regained some power, but a split is developing...

Still, no change is likely to happen soon...

and she has some key tools at her command.

Dems want to keep the heat on...

while developing a new leader for 2020.

They need change at the top...

January, 2019

and some say Pelosi is old and in the way.

but it can’t be just anyone.

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Prez Trump has drawn criticism for inaction...

but claims he has good reasons.

He’s saving his energy...

for the really important stuff...

like managing the budget... and ruminating with his “really big brain.”

So, despite a temporary setback... he’s charging ahead. (continued)

8

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

The Best People Trump met with top Dems after the election...

Trump loves to brag that he hires all the best people...

and the V.P. was there for backup.

and that they love to work for him.

But he’s pissed he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves...

and it helps if they’re related.

for lighting the way.

January, 2019

But they must pass the most stringent of tests...

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Trump: Alaska Earthquake Caused by ‘Poor Snow Management, Unlike Finland’ Pres i dent Trump said to day that Alaska, still reel ing from a 7.9 Richter-scale earthquake, needs to follow Finland’s example and “rake up all its extra snow” in order to avoid future disasters.

“Not a lot of people know this,” Trump explained, “but Finland and Alaska are both pretty cold countries. However, notice only Alaska gets earthquaked. That’s because the Finns always rake up their extra snow. Alaska needs to do the same thing, or no more help from the Federal government!”

“I was speaking to the prime minister of Finland just the other day,” Trump continued. “He calls Finland ‘definitely a snowy country,’ and said they avoid earthquakes by raking up all their extra white stuff so that it doesn’t press down so hard and squeeze the rocks until they quake.

“I know Commie scientists like to talk about High-Tech Tonic Plates and long-hair stuff like that, but believe me, it’s all a hoax invented by the Chinese and funded by George Soros. Luckily I’m too stable a genius to fall for that. My enormous gut, which is always right, tells me that it’s the big snow pressing down.”

The President emphasized that unless Alaska reformed its snow-management policies, the Federal government would refuse to continue paying disaster relief.

He added that unfortunately he was unable to visit the Anchorage area because the snow, “which is very wet from a water point of view,” might affect his hair and bone spurs.

“And by the way, ” he wound up, “if any of them Alaskan people need paper towels, just let us know. The Koch brothers sent us plenty.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

WASHINGTON – At the funeral of former US President George Bush on December 5th, President Donald Trump almost fell of his seat when he spotted former US Pres i dent George Bush among the mourners. Staff members say he still shivers when he thinks about it.

“So I’m at George Bush’s fu neral, right, and who do you think appears and walks right past me? That’s right, folks. George Bush. I mean, how is this possible? I’m sure he’s supposed to be dead,” President Trump recounted to his closest confidantes shortly after the event. “It must have been a ghost. Do you think that he’s trying to tell me something?”

Trump is not sure whether he was the only person who was able see and hear George Bush or if others may also have sensed his presence.

“I wondered whether I should maybe ask around and see if anyone else could see this ghost but I don’t ever talk to Melania and I was a bit worried, you know, that the others might

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — President Trump is threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue unless the Mueller investigation ends immediately. Mr Trump added that if he dies himself dead as a result, it will be America’s own fault and we’ll all be really sorry.

“I’ll do it, I will!” the Presi dent is said to have told his closest advisors at a secret Oval Office meeting last night. “I’ll go on TV, I will, and I just won’t breathe! And if I get blue in the face and die dead, it will all be your own faults and America’s and then you’ll all be sorry. Sad!” The President was responding to new reports that the Mueller investigation is about to indict him, his family and his entire business organiza-

Taurus: Diets are like politicians de ny ing them selves raises: they don’t work, so pick a better resolution.

Scorpio: If you plan to build a wall to keep out compassion during 2019, just think about all the butterflies you’re destroying too.

Virgo: After you’ve created a Vin Di a gram for your new year’s res o lu tions, throw it away and read Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

tion. Trump is said to have screamed unintelligibly for several minutes after being briefed on this by out-going Chief of Staff, General John (“Empty Barrel”) Kelly.

“No! No! No!,” the President “tantrumped,” as his advisors call it, after learning that Mueller has subpoenaed all his tax returns, transcripts of phone calls with Putin, and several “compromising videos” whose contents could not be disclosed.

Flushed a bright tangerine and almost in tears, Trump threatened to go on Sean Hannity’s show and hold his breath until the Special Counsel’s investigation was shut down and all its accumulated evidence destroyed in a gigantic bonfire on the White House lawn.

“I’ll sit there with Sean, I will, even if I turn myself bright blue and maybe die!” he warned.

“America and the world better do what I say or I’ll die myself dead, right there in front of you all, and it will be your own faults!”

After a moment he added: “And President George H.W. Bush is absolutely not allowed to speak at my funeral.”

Reported by Michael Egan.

Sagittarius: Resolute to focus on a couple of goals, not everywhere you want to stick your arrow.

Capricorn: Like a 50-year-old feminist, you’re already resolute enough.

Aquarius: Resolutions to give a few dollars a month to massive non-profit organizations are truly disgusting.

Pisces: If the action stops at the voting booth, the resolution never happens.

“I must not use these powers for the forces of evil,” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told aides after emerging from the Oval Office after a confrontational meeting with the President.

He fist bumped the intern that told him to watch the movie Inception and turned to Nancy Pelosi as the crowds of cameras rushed past them.

“I can’t believe I just got him to take responsibility for shutting down the government!”

The ploy has been weeks in development.

Hailey Harris, one of the interns, recalled the conversation that started it all.

“We segued from movies to what it meant to incept an idea in someone else, and how the key was to make it seem as if it was their idea, all along. Someone else said something like, ‘it must be way easier to incept an idea in an idiot, or a child,’ and the senator got this far-off look in his eyes, like he just had a big idea.”

With the cameras rolling in the Oval Office and the President demanding money for his border wall, Senator Schumer found a prime opportunity to pull the trigger.

“I was still a little skeptical about the whole thing, to be honest, so I ini ti ated Pro ject Schumer-Ception on something small, innocuous, and, frankly, kind of obvious – his tendency to make demands or threaten to throw a tantrum. In the middle of the conversation, I incepted the idea to shut down the government if he didn’t get his way.”

“It was hilarious, how easy it was.” Schumer admitted with a chuckle. “The hardest part of the whole ordeal was trying not to laugh.”

“It’s going to be a fun two years,” Schumer predicted with a huge grin. When asked if he thought Vice President Pence knew what was going on, Schumer laughed.

“How could he? He wasn’t at the meeting was he?”

Reported by Sean Myers, GlossyNews.com

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Report: Behind closed doors Pelosi disparaged Trump’s manhood Hmm, she probably called him ‘Individual 1 Inch!’

Scientists believe they have just discovered a parallel universe So, that’s where all thos e da mn los t socks are!

Melania Trump racked up $174,000 in hotel bills for a day trip to Toronto … see what happens when you use the fridge and take the robe home.

Kirk Douglas is 102 years old today!

Yup, when he made ‘Spartacus’ it was a contemporary thriller.

Trump calls hush money payments a ‘simple private transaction’ Shouldn’t that be ‘privates?’

Charlie Sheen celebrates 365 days of sobriety … although no word if those days were in a row.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders wants her legacy to be for honesty and transparency That would be like Jeffrey Dahmer wanting to be known for a vegetarian cookbook!

Catch up on previous funny Horoscope columns by Jennifer Hollie Bowles that you may have missed on the Humor Times website at humortimes.com!

12

Schumer-Ception: Senator Incepts Idea to Shut Down Government in Trump

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles

Libra: Like a Drag Queen contest, you’re as fair as Dolly Parton, so keep those resolutions off your Scales of Justice.

Leo: Happy New Year, Lions!

Keep your nails clean and the bloody remains out of your teeth, like Ivanka Trump.

think I was going cuckoo,” explains Trump, “I don’t think they could see him though because nobody seemed surprised by his appearance except for me. No body stood up and shouted, ‘The re ’s a g host !

There’s a ghost!’ or anything like that. So I thought it was best to keep quiet and put on a brave face.”

The spookiness did not stop there: by President Trump’s account, George Bush strode up to the podium and began to speak at length about George Bush – right next to the coffin that supposedly contained George Bush. “He cried and everything. About his own death! It was kinda moving actually but really weird.”

Trump’s attention then turned to his own demise: if “in 50 or 60 years or so” he should meet his end, he says he would rather not follow in Bush’s footsteps and deliver his own eulogy, “I would like my son, Donald Trump Jr to take care of that.”

Reported by The-Postillon.com

Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’

Aries: Sure, you can make a new year’s resolution to lead it all in house, but consider who does all the shit you don’t want to first.

Cancer: Don’t make resolutions about your home cause that’d be like Trump promising to crack down on immigration laws.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Trump Still in Shock from Seeing George Bush at George Bush’s Funeral

Horoscopes for Jerks: January, 2019

Gemini: New year’s resolutions don’t fit twins.

Headline News Section

Kevin Hart ‘Oscar’ controversy continues Ok, so I’m guessing Kevin Hart won’t be hosting the ‘Tonys.’

Chris Christie tells Trump he doesn’t want to be Chief of Staff So, if your last name ends in a D, you’re up next!

BateWorld hosts a vibrant community of straight men who enjoy masturbating together Now we’re talking info that comes in handy.

Human heart found on Southwest flight, causing plane to turn around … damn, they found a human heart and still can’t find my lost luggage.

Archaeologists just unearthed 8 mummies dating back to 300 B.C. Or, as Larry King calls it a reunion of his high school graduating class…

Middle School student dumps Trump from his name after bullying I’m shocked. I thought Eric Trump had already graduated from middle school.

The Latest: China confirms holding 2 Canadians Please, please let it be Ted Cruz and Justin Bieber!!!

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

Holidaze The holidays are family time...

but it can be a little stressful...

trying to keep the peace.

It’s hard to steer clear of politics...

or political correctness.

After all the gift-giving...

and turkey-feasting...

January, 2019

it’s good to remember what it’s all about.

HUMOR TIMES

13

Coming to a Boil Sure, climate change has happened before...

but CO2 is the highest it’s been in 400,000 years.

Still, say some, it’s nothing to be concerned about.

California is very affected by a warmer, drier climate...

making it a bit like a: But a real expert came to help...

with some of his trademark “tough love.”

Meanwhile, other man-made changes are happening too.

14

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

Elections are for Losers

Land of Immigrant Bashers

There were many close races and thus many recounts...

“The Land of Immigrants” is paranoid about immigrants...

asking themselves, “what would Jesus do?”

but even after the election, there were some ‘adjustments’...

But the real cause of the refugees’ plight is not discussed. because voters can’t be trusted.

Meanwhile, insane delusions continue to distract.

Besides, it’s easier than actually changing your ways.

January, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown

Enemy of the People The president remains blinded by the light...

and by his lust for riches...

and he has no use for the truth.

Power Harassment Indifference Anti-fem i nist po lit i cos and talk show yakkers try to ridicule the reality that women in our rich and advanced society might endure any “oppression,” or still suffer from income inequality. America isn’t Afghanistan, they snort.

Women here get to vote. Girls play all kinds of sports and can grow up to be astronauts or CEOs or anything. Why, we even had one nominated for president two years ago! Well, women certainly have made strides from the colonial chauvinism of 1789, and they’ve escaped much of the suffocating paternal ism of the “Father Knows Best” years. But is that our highest standard? It’s ridiculous, dishonest and socially destructive to pretend that the 51 percent majority of us are getting anywhere near the fair share of power and respect they’re due.

In corporations, universities, government offices and elsewhere, there is usually an oppressive male cul ture and a re pressive power structure that routinely shortchange women on pay (generally a third less than men doing comparable work, with black and Latina women making even less) and on promotions. That’s bad enough, but adding insult to injury, prevailing conventional wisdom blames women for this! They’re not “career-oriented,” or they’re too thin-skinned, or they’re not aggressive enough, or they’re too moody, and they need to “lean in” more. Delve just a smidgeon deeper, however, and voila! The core cause of this deep and pervasive discrimination is the glaring inequality of power that men hold over women.

Amazingly, the impact on working women of blunt-force sexual crudity by superiors has only recently been deemed a major cause of workplace problems. Spurred by the explosion of hundreds of thousands of #MeToo revelations, harassment has finally climbed to the top-of-the-charts ranking of things holding back women in practically every line of employment: 1. In recent surveys, 81 percent of women say they’ve experienced some form of sexual harassment.

2. About half of girls say they’ve encountered harassment in their schools.

3. Employers and officials usually discount the veracity of women/girls who complain, and accept the denials of men who’re accused.

4. Male hierarchies, meekly supported by some women, tend to ostracize and retaliate against victims who report abuse.

5. Some 80 percent of young women who’ve been harassed on the job tell surveyors that rather than file a complaint that higher-ups won’t take seriously, they just leave the jobs.

Some places just don’t think it’s a big deal

JIM HIGHTOWER that their organizational hierarchy tolerates a grab-ass mentality and allows abuse. Their attitude is, “Hey, no one’s making you work here.”

More commonly, though, harassment, income inequality and discrimination persist because leadership only addresses it bureaucratically, incrementally and ever so cautiously. While those in charge of these companies and groups loudly condemn all such actions as “unacceptable,” they quietly accept the actions by doing nothing more than setting up a “diversity commit tee” or providing some “sensitivity training.”

A couple of abuser factors are in play here: One is that the offenders lawyer up, so the response to the abuse ends up focused primarily on limiting the institution’s liability, rather than concentrating on cleansing the toxic culture.

Second is what I call “The Willie,” borrowed from Willie Nelson’s humorous idea that he wants his tombstone to read, “He meant well.”

In a nefarious twist of Nelson’s droll humor, honchos of many high-profile brand-name outfits these days proclaim that they are committed to leading the charge for justice and respect for women in the workplace, but whoa! Let’s not push too hard, too fast.

Jamie Dimon is a prime example of those who cry for progress but then throttle back to a putt-putt pace. As CEO of JPMorgan Chase, Dimon has cultivated an image of an enlightened Wall Streeter who touts the merits of having female decision-makers throughout the bank’s corporate structure. “It is the right thing to do, plain and simple,” he told New York Times interviewer Rebecca Blumenstein in September. Yet, when she gently noted that JPMorgan’s 11-member governing board includes only two women (18 percent), Dimon’s enlightenment dimmed. He says he can only go so far in trying to do the right thing: “It’s hard for me to do a board search and say I’m only going to look at women.” Really? Why? Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund, a partnership with the National Women’s Law Center, helps workers who are experiencing harassment — in any industry — with free legal help. See nwlc.org/le gal-assis tance and do nate here: timesupnow.com.

But Khashoggi is just the tip of the iceberg.

16

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

Best Economy Ever We’re really sticking it to the Chinese now...

with self-described hero “Tariff Man” on the job.

And if you don’t see it that way...

you’re probably to blame.

The rich continue to get richer... and the poor depend on the kindness of strangers.

Meanwhile, the British P.M. may be over-reaching...

January, 2019

as they prepare for massive changes.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2019

January, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

19

Become a Humor Times Patron!

Out with the Old, In with the New a

Check out what’s new at a

It isn’t easy these days producing any periodical, particularly when you are a small publication without any corporate backing. If you believe in the cause of political humor, please consider joining the growing ranks of Humor Times patrons, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you!

www.patreon.com/humortimes Here are a few of our present Sustaining Supporters: John McDonald Josephine Decaro Rutigliano Michael Egan Jason Johnson ...and YOU?

Vic’s Ice Cream!

Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years.

Family owned & operated.

Also Available at

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

WILLIE’S 5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here!

Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

AST !

L A AP HE T IDE C S A TE GIF E K MA MINU

Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get $2.00 off!

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” – Voltaire Issue #321

January, 2019

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Mere l $2.9 y 8

Formerly the ‘Comic Press News’

California Stage Theater Creations presents Juno and the Paycock

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

®

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Sean O’Casey Make reservations for Juno and the Paycock by Sean O’Casey!

The highly regarded play takes place in the tenements of Dublin in 1922, just after the outbreak of the Irish Civil War, and revolves around the misfortunes of the dysfunctional Boyle family.

Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul

by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Phone reservations only: 916-451-5822.

Fridays & Sat at 8PM, Sun at 2PM January 18 to February 17 TICKETS: $20/$15/$12 • 916-451-5822 California Stage in the R25 Arts Complex

25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking • 916-451-5822

Station Rental Available Ask for Michael 2115 J Street, Ste. 102-A Sacramento (In the courtyard next to Tapa the World)

916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com

Open Saturday 10-2

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief, subscribe! Then, do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today!

Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ info clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $24.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 Hey, @HumorTimes, you’re fake funny, okay?

So funny, I forgot to laugh!

*$2 OFF any subscription when you order online at subs.humortimes.com!

The News, Told in Cartoon Form, by the World’s Best Editorial Cartoonists!