“As a conservative, I see him as a statist abomination, a plump, be-wattled authoritarian-wannabe man-baby with the intellectual horsepower of a toaster oven.” – Rick Wilson, Daily Beast
Issue #322
February, 2019
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Editor’s Letter
Obituary
I can’t even refer to him as the “president” anymore, without an asterisk. The evidence keeps mounting: that his loyalty is not to this country, but to those who have something compromising on him (Putin); that he’s a psychopathic narcissist whose only concern is his own enrichment; that he is violating the constitution and laws he swore to uphold (emoluments clause, witness tampering, impeding an investigation, etc, etc); and that he’s wholly incompetent — unfit for the office of president of the United States of America. Besides all that, his character is not up to snuff for the position. He’s been sued over and over again for not paying people he’s contracted with; he ran a “college” that was simply a con on people seeking a better life, robbing them of their life savings; he admitted on national radio that he intentionally raided the dressing rooms of young women in his beauty pageants (some underage) to catch them naked; he’ll eventually be convicted of laundering money for the Russian mob; he hires the very worst people — “amateurs, grifters, weaklings, convicted and unconnected felons” according to fellow Republican and former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie — people who run U.S. agencies in a way completely counter to their intended purpose, and who end up getting run out of office for a variety of scandalous reasons. This is a man who promised his base, which somehow still believes in him, that he would shake things up in Washington and “drain the swamp.” I understand the appeal, the frustration with government, but all Trump has done is stock that quagmire with some of the worst swamp creatures ever to work in any U.S. administration. The one-third of the country that is still buying into this slimy con job need to wake up, and realize that the sources of information they have put their trust in — Fox “News”, Limbaugh, Hannity, “Judge” Jeanine Pirro, the whole despicable, boot-licking lot of them — have been feeding them nonstop lies and nonsense for years, and it’s way past time they look for more reliable sources of news. Yup, the whole sickening scenario is coming to light, and it’s, well... “SAD!” Sad indeed. It’s time for the Congress, both the House and the Senate, to do what’s right, and clean house — clean out the White House, that is — and put this terrible chapter behind us.
Some will always cling to their “beliefs” over science...
– James Israel, Editor
but we’d better not miss our chance...
because, if we do, nothing else will matter much. The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 28, Issue 322, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: Rod Bartchy, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jeff Cahlon, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2019. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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February, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
3
Secret Agent Man The president* has been accused of working for Russia...
an event so “unpresidented” it seems cartoonish.
Trump insists he’s his own man, though...
whose plans just happen to coincide with Putin’s...
and what’s more, he’s very chivalrous.
His supporters have been steadfast...
as Giuliani explained. (continued) believing he’s really quite patriotic...
4
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Prepare to be shocked...
once all of the evidence finally does come out.
He’ll eventually have to face the music... but Trump’s not worried.
February, 2019
And he don’t need no stinkin’ cabinet...
though he has been trying to fill positions for a while now.
Even his favorites are leaving...
but he’s always preferred doing things his own way.
HUMOR TIMES
5
Turning Trump Around on Global Warming Donald Trump and global warming. Not what you would call your match made in heaven. Rather, the pairing harkens closer to the other location. That hotter destination often described as being in a more Southerly direction. The one with the pitchfork racks on the scorched walls of the foyer. Not only does the president not believe in global warming, he thinks the exact opposite is going on. Whatever that is. He’s not really sure. But it’s definitely neither warming nor global. Could be localized. Could be cooling. Still snows in New Hampshire in the winter don’t it? His series of climate change denials have included calling it a hoax, blaming the Chinese, saying it could turn back on its own and claiming it was nothing but a spurious plot dreamed up by Crooked Hillary to make him look bad and he would have won the popular vote if millions of illegals hadn’t flooded the polls. He pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords, even though hundreds of US corporations lobbied to stay in. Because apparently they have access to research that seems to indicate that the extinction of the human species might adversely affect quarterly dividends. Especially in the retail sector. In their most recent report, the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change announced an updated strategy: learn to live with it. Remember when they said that if something wasn’t done within ten years, all hell was going to break loose? Well, that was 16 years ago. So what they’re saying now is, the basement is already full of gas, we should concentrate on lighting the fewest matches. Then Trump’s own administration was forced to issue the 1600 page 4th National Climate Assessment, which they attempted to bury by releasing it the day after Thanksgiving. You know, that blackest of Fridays when most Americans are recovering from ingesting enough calories to stuff a wooly mammoth. Speaking of extinct species. That report suggests that unless something is done by 2100, 10% of our GNP could disappear due to environmental deterioration. There you go. See, that’s how you reach the guy. Focus on ramifications he can understand. And losing money would certainly be one of them. So here are some other possible items of note to help convince Mr. Trump that climate change might not be the best thing since sliced bread: • Rising ocean levels washing through Mar-a-Lago would necessitate the refurbishment of a large amount of rooms. • Increased humidity guaranteed to make his daily hair scaffolding ritual more complicated. • Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Sean Hannity.
• Rudy Giuliani would dis-
WILL DURST
solve into an oil slick that would dissipate and befoul beaches up and down the entire east coast. • Would definitely affect Melania’s complexion. And not necessarily in a good way. • Can almost guarantee it would interfere with the intricate electronics that allow Mike Pence to appear so lifelike. • Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Vladimir Putin. • Kellyanne Conway can’t float. • Scientists predict wars breaking out over dwindling food and water supplies and we all know how much he enjoys his snacks. • And finally, having the carts burning up on his golf courses might negatively affect resort revenues. Because as everyone knows, a dead member is not a dues paying member.
After Xmas Gift Wish List Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth, but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales, only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after-Christmas sales. A major difference being — much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks. It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole. As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried-out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self-imposed, public-service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight. Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A mistake we’d like to rectify with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. At least the After-Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still. Presenting Will Durst’s After Xmas Gift Wish List: • For Kellyanne Conway: a red, white and blue muzzle. • For General James Mattis: an all-expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria. • For Melania Trump: not a designer coat, but a new coat designer. • For Nancy Pelosi: a whip, a gun and a chair. • For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: a cold dish of revenge. • For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: a round-trip ticket on the clue train. • For Michael Cohen: a poster for his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.” • For Mitt Romney: a cape and pair of tights to help him single-handedly save the Republican Party. • For Kamala Harris: some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone. • For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs. • For Ivanka Trump: a fully furnished pied-a-terre in the Seychelles. • For Jared Kushner: the same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle. • For Kanye West: a new hat. • For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants. • For Mike Pence: a strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement. • For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder. • For Bernie Sanders: a series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years. • For Rudy Giuliani: case of mint-flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth. • For Joe Biden: a 55-gallon drum of patience. • For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: a wall to control our immigration. • For Rachel Maddow: a nice blue sweater. • For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: two six-foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap. • And finally, for the American People: total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-touring polit ical comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org). See willdurst.com for calendar listings.
6
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2018
Putting the House Back in Order The day Trump feared has finally arrived...
Now, Republicans admit, everything has changed.
when Nancy Wooden Gavel came down upon his head.
The new class of Reps is young, ethnic and very female...
Some Dems have already declared their presidential ambitions... and are very cognizant of their historic achievement.
Meanwhile, it’s time to put up or shut up. and all are vying for a certain endorsement.
February, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
7
The Prez Trump is very proud of his accomplishments...
many enabled by that strict former prosecutor & mayor.
He certainly is the “best ever”...
at one thing in particular.
He likes to brag that he suffers no fools...
because he’s got the advantage.
Trump is ready to declare a state of emergency...
8
which is one thing everyone can agree on.
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Hanging Onto the Senate Republicans started the new year with resolve...
The long winter nights have been unsettling...
She is, after all, so radical.
the same resolve they had last year.
full of scary new monsters like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
They did finally find the backbone to stand up to a racist...
and change is difficult. but it’s a systemic problem...
February, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Donald Trump Consults w/Pink Floyd on Wall President Donald Trump today announced that he will soon meet with former members of the classic rock band Pink Floyd to discuss building the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “Pink Floyd was huge and they built a huge wall for their famous album, The Wall, said Trump. “I remember t h a t wa l l . Everyone remembers that wall. It was a truly huge wall for a truly h u g e a lbum. Made out of bricks. Big success. So of course I want to meet with both Pink and Floyd soon.” Press Sec re tary Sa rah Huckabee Sanders would neither confirm nor deny the story. “It’s up to President Trump whom he meets with, of course. That’s why he’s not meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un again any time soon. Frankly, the crazy bastard reminds the president too much of himself. I understand he also plans to meet with Elvis just like President Nixon did. As you know, President Trump is far from a normal man.” Added Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway, “Pres i dent Trump es pe cially loves how Pink Floyd sang about not needing no education. The President loves the uneducated. However, President Trump disagrees about us not needing no thought control, and so do I. Thought control is central to what we’re doing here in the White House – once we silence that troublesome free press.” Commented an anonymous leaker on Trump’s White House staff, “President Trump remains committed to building the wall he promised everyone during his campaign, which is why shovel sales in Mexico and throughout South America have skyrocketed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Eric and Donald Jr. get into the shovel business. Anyway, if Pink Floyd can help provide wall expertise, we’re all for it.” Former Pink Floyd band members were unavailable for comment. Reported by Robert Friedman.
FUTURE NEWS — On May 1, 2019, barely six months after the midterm elections, Donald Trump appears to have abandoned the White House and ab dicated his role as pres i dent. He iss u ed n o fo r ma l statement, though White House aides, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, claim they found a napkin on th e p res i d e nt’s desk scrawled in red ink with the fo l lo w in g message: “Blame Crooked Hillary & Hfior & the Fake News Media.” The aides claim they received no other warning of Trump’s departure apart from this napkin, and have no knowledge of his whereabouts. Similarly, they cannot explain the meaning or significance of “Hfior.” Flight-tracking databases show the departure of a private, luxury helicopter landing in the Crimean resort city of Yalta. In an early morning press conference, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders eluded questions about Trump’s departure. “I’m not aware of his movements at every second of every day,” she told reporters. Sanders then noted that at 5:15 this morning, former Vice President Mike Pence took the presidential oath in an unscheduled inauguration. “So, Trump has fled,” a reporter was heard shouting from the back of the press room. Sanders responded, “I’ve already covered that at length.” Millions have again flooded the streets and remain there — this time for parties, not protests, with an overall mood of joy and festivity. “We’ve reclaimed our time,” Representative Maxine Waters told a joyous crowd of 500,000 who had gathered outside Los Angeles’ City Hall on Wednesday morning. Pressure had been building on the Trump Administration for months, with many Trump associates under criminal investigation or behind bars, impeachment proceedings underway in the House, and an extraordinary wave of disruptive nonviolent protests around the country. “We really saw a surge in protest and civil disobedience after the Tax Day protests,” says
“Not only did we sing it, we did it,” Lady Gaga says of her duet with R Kelly When asked for a comment Kelly stated “Hey man, it was just nature, ya know?! I was just a guy doin’ a guy thing! What’s to get so upset about? Men got the plugs and women got the sockets no matter how young they are. That’s Nature. They are there to be used, right? So why not? Even my 15 year old ex wife Aaliyah did an album titled “Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number.” He then started to rap: Every guy is born with a rocket and wants a place where he can dock it he sure don’t want to stick it in his pocket.
The Ga now says of her 2013 conjugal ditty that "Do What You Want With My Body" now disturbs her terribly. “Not only did we sing it, we did it,” confessed the singer fresh from her Golden Globe victory with the song “Shallow.” And shallow she was when she trusted R Kelly. And naive. “It was beyond weird. It was humiliating. And sticky.” The Lady says that R Kelly took the song and her body literally and violated it in imaginative ways we cannot mention here. Says Gaga of the ordeal, “Years of therapy has finally given me the courage to speak out against this barbaric monstrosity of a human being. He seems to think that if someone or something has a hole in it that he has a right to it. His ‘manhood’ should be listed by the police as a weapon!”
12
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Unpresidented: Ending Crisis, Trump Hastily Departs White House
Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly Lady Gaga now regrets the song she did together with the popular pervert, proliferator of pubescent pornography and deflowerer of underage girls and perhaps small furry animals, R Kelly.
Headline News Section
It’s a man’s own special sprocket so he searches for a socket so fast you that could clock it.
author and historian Jamilah Battiece. April 15, a traditional occasion for tax-related demonstrations, was also the first day of a global #RebellionWeek called by the climate action group Extinction Rebellion. “No body is quite sure who decided it should also be a day calling for Trump’s res ig nation, but once the ‘You’re Fired’ idea started, it was unstoppable." In her ad dress to crowds on Wednes day, Rep re sen ta tive Maxine Waters noted that “we’re on the way to the Bundle” — a series of proposed measures that began with a large jobs bill around renewable energy technologies, and has been expanded to include the abolition of student loan and medical debt, as well as the establishment of single-payer healthcare, six months of maternity and paternity leave, the restoration and re-funding of public libraries and other basic services, and even a Universal Basic Income in some areas. The package also includes an emergency measure to immediately free all detained immigrant children and reunite them with their families. Throughout Wednesday and into today, a flurry of Democratic representatives — and a growing number of Republicans — issued statements underscoring their support for the Bundle. Recent opinion polls show that a majority of Americans across the political spectrum support the initiatives. The demands have proven popular even in Republican strongholds such as Texas, Arizona, and Idaho — where both Republican congressmen’s offices were shut down for two weeks in March after thousands of constituents refused to let anyone enter the buildings until a pledge to support the Bundle was signed. — Excerpted from spoof “Washington Post” edi tion put out in Jan u ary by Onnesha Roychoudhuri, L.A. Kauffman and trickster activist collective the “Yes Men.” See full edition: my-washingtonpost.com.
Then he should take his rocket and away with it should walk it and in passing just say “Oh, fock it!” Kelly then presented some camera photos of his famous usages to the reporter of this article who promptly wretched all over them, upsetting Kelly. “Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you like Nature?” Reported by Roger Freed.
Things seem to have taken a sour turn as the FBI investigates De Niro for allegedly threatening to assassinate the President. Renowned actor Robert De Niro is known not only for his role in the Godfather movies, but also his vociferous criticism of Donald Trump. However, things seem to have taken a sour turn, as the FBI investigates De Niro for allegedly threatening to assassinate the President. It is alleged that at a confidential round table media industry audience with the President, De Niro began to behave disruptively and aggressively. Events first took a sinister turn when De Niro told Ivanka Trump to “Zip it, sistah, if you know what’s good for ya!” The entire White House gasped as De Niro strode towards a p i cture of Lin coln and theatrically spat at it, just miss ing the golden frame by a matter of millimeters. He then turned and said: “Hmgh. Nice little White House we got here, Donald… Pity if something happened to it, huh?” Trump immediately started bawling and screaming, “FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!” De Niro nonchalantly turned his back on the Trump family, and with a husky growl, he said, “We don’t take kindly to shysters around here, brother. We ain’t violent people, but seems to me we all know fah sure what’s good for America… Know what I’m sayin’? Capisce?” As security lunged for him, De Niro roared, “I ain’t sayin’ none o’ you gonna be sleepin’ with the fishes, but I have a nice big ass pair o’ concrete shoes, and I’m pretty sure my dainty little tootsies ain’t up to snuff with these shitty little boots! See me and my boys, we don’t make threats! We are men of action! Know what I’m sayin’?” The good news is that De Niro is likely to be released with charge in the near future, as they are suffering something of a backlog of work in the past, say, couple of years or so. Now I ain’t sayin’ nuffin more for now! By Wallace Runnymede, GlossyNews.com.
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Liz Cheney’s pissed off Christian Bale credited Satan for inspiration on how to play her dad Dick Cheney in ‘Vice.’ Y’think she’s mad? Wait for Satan’s response! Man purchases a 631 lb, $3.1 million tuna Where the hell did he go fishing? Costco?! People are freaking out about Madonna’s butt Damn, I’m old enough to remember when refer ences to Ma donna’s ass were usually about Dennis Rodman. Almost all potential terrorists arrive in U.S by plane So, what we really need to build is a dome and get Jupiter to pay for it.
But if she should knock it resist or try to block it or even begin to mock it.
‘Shut up or the Tangerine Gets it!’ FBI On De Niro’s Anti-Trump Death Threats
Happy 55th Birthday Jeff Bezos What do you get the man who will soon have only 1/2 of everything? Manafort says any misstatements ‘unintentional’: Court filing So, in other words, don’t go Russian to collusions. Google has a roller coaster at CES Guessing it’s a theme ride about the price of Google Stock Market shares.
U.S Treasury: National Debt ended 2018 more than $2-trillion larger than on the day Trump took office. Damn, Republicans are now suffering from ‘Atten tion to the Def i cit Disorder.’ Chargers QB Philip Rivers’ wife, Tiffany, prepares for their ninth child Makes sense, dude plays for the Charg ers, so that’s a lot of years with no protection both personally and professionally. Rep. Steven King questions how ‘white supremacist’ became offensive So, what’s the difference between writer Stephen King and Congressman Steven King? One writes horror, the other is one! What Meghan Markle’s belly button popping tells us about her pregnancy Uh, that we all have way too much free time?! Trump heads for the border If that doesn’t get Mexico to build a wall, nothing will. Taliban seek venue change for peace talks w/US I’m thinking Guantanamo, because once they’re already there…
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Shutdown Inspires ‘#You’reFired’ Movement The president insists time is running out...
and the need is great.
He said it’s a crisis only he can solve...
and there is no other way.
Only he can make the deal, he says...
because of his special skill set.
After all, only “bad hombres” will be affected...
February, 2019
and it will all be paid for. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
13
By the holidays, Americans were agreeing with him...
but once the shutdown began...
with potentially explosive effects...
things got messy quick...
Still, congressional Republicans remained willing...
and counter-productive results.
and Trump remained determined...
14
not to budge. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Shutdown (conclusion) The president gave the best-ever speech on national TV...
It was finally clear exactly what was going on...
helping the country to fully understand the problem.
and what kind of emergency we are facing.
The response was enthusiastic... and nearly universal.
Citizens of all stripes finally agreed...
February, 2019
that now was the time for action.
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Winners & Losers There will always be winners and losers...
but does the wealth gap need to be so extreme?
Meanwhile, people are watching closely...
Where Is AI Driving Us? Zooming at us at blinding speed, it’s AI, the fast-evolving science of artificial intelligence. But what’s it really bringing? With chaos in the White House, worsening climate change around the globe, more wars than we can count and a wobbling economy here at home, the last thing we need is another big challenge. But look out! Here comes a doozy! Zooming at us at blinding speed, it’s AI, the fast-evolving science of artificial intelligence. In common parlance: robots. But these are not the clunky, somewhat cute machines performing rote tasks. AI, essentially, has evolved to become an elec tronic brain — a web of ever-more-complex supercomputers interacting as one cognitive unit that can program itself, make decisions and act independently of the humans who’re creating them. AI is not only powering a metastasizing array of autonomous machines that can think, learn and even reproduce themselves, but the advanced technology of digital intelligence has also begun restructuring our economic order, social frameworks and cultural ethic. Consider self-driving vehicles. Once the stuff of science fiction, the future is suddenly upon us, with Google starting to market a driverless taxi service, Daimler developing a line of commercial trucks that drive themselves and General Motors rolling out a car with no steering wheel or gas and brake pedals. Wall Street, Silicon Valley and an army of corporate lobbyists are rushing to legislative halls, literally changing the rules of the road to allow full deployment of these vehicles. What about the hundreds of thousands of professional drivers who’ll lose their jobs? Not our problem, say the moneyed financiers and AI barons who’ll profit from a mass botmobile conversion. Besides, as one AI champion coldly asserts, those who drive for a living get sick, take vacations, etc. “People are messy,” he notes; “machines are straightforward.” Indeed, so straightforward that these 2-ton, non-sentient “drivers” will be driving straight at a world of defenseless pedestrians. Already, one of Uber’s experimental cars, equipped with the most sophisticated sensors and software, killed an Arizona pedestrian last year. We can fix that, says Andrew Ng, a prominent AI investor. They just have to be repro-
JIM HIGHTOWER grammed. By “they,” Ng doesn’t mean the self-driving machines; he means we pedestrians must be reprogrammed! “Please be lawful,” he scolds, “and please be considerate” of the computer-driven vehicles. Obey pedestrian signs, don’t jaywalk, give right of way to the new technology. So, don’t just prepare yourself for a brave new world of automatons; prepare to be re-educated so you interact properly with them and don’t get in their way. We humans have got to get a whole lot smarter, says Elon Musk, the billionaire founder of Tesla and CEO of SpaceX. Musk is not merely despairing about humanity’s recent tendency to elect lunatics to lead our countries. Rather, he’s trying to warn us about the rapid rise of artificial intelligence. These thinking machines are rapidly increasing in number and geometrically advancing their IQ, prompting Musk and others to view AI technologies in apocalyptic terms. As algorithms and systems inevitably grow more sophisticated, he says, “digital intelligence will exceed biological intelligence by a substantial margin.” In graphic terms, Musk warns that profiteering humans are “summoning the devil” by creating a new superior species of beings that will end up dominating humanity, becoming “an immortal dictator from which we would never escape.” What’s weird is not his dystopian prognosis (other experts confirm that runaway bot intelligence is a real threat), but his solution. The way for us human beings to compete with AI, says Musk, is to merge with it. Not a corporate transaction, but a literal merger: surgically implant AI devices in human brains with “a bunch of tiny wires” that would fuse people with super intelligence. Uh-huh… and what could go wrong with that? It’s good to have technological geniuses alert us to looming dangers, but maybe the larger community of humanists ought to lead the search for answers.
praying the bubble doesn’t pop.
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
Swinging Into the New Year The holiday season came and went...
and we swung into the new year with gusto...
in politically correct fashion, of course.
Now, it’s out with the old...
lest we get stuck.
and in with the new...
being happy as anyone to see the old year gone.
Even the prez made his resolutions...
February, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2019
February, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
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