Issue #324
April, 2019
iversary Issu n n A e 28 th
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HUMOR TIMES
photo by epsos.de
April, 2019
Editor’s Letter Welcome to the 28th Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times! If you’re a subscriber, you are the lifeblood of this periodical, and we thank you. We also depend on our fine advertisers to help pay our monthly bills, and we thank them as well. Please patronize these businesses whenever you can! Speaking of ads, we always have more than usual in our anniversary issue, as many of our business friends like to jump in and help us celebrate, and some of our usual advertisers increase their ad sizes. Don’t worry, they aren’t edging out your cartoons. In fact, they are paying for an extra four pages, while only using a couple, so you are getting two extra pages of content! We’d love to permanently increase the size and provide 24 full-color pages of fun every month, but it will take more income from ads and/or subscriptions. We are certainly making every effort to do that. You can help, by spreading the word about the Humor Times, whether online or in person. Share your copies, our website (www.humortimes.com), and our Facebook posts (look up Humor Times on Facebook) with friends and family. Most of all, give subscriptions to anyone you know who appreciates political humor, anywhere in the world! (By the way, if you are a subscriber, please see the note below.) A little note about our usual 20-page edition: We sometimes are asked why it’s not all in color. That has to do with the way newsprint publications are printed. On the big web presses used for the job, each giant roll of paper will comprise eight pages, which are printed at once, front and back. They are then cut, before the pages get woven together and folded. Since eight does not go into 20 evenly, a “dinky” roll is used to make the extra four pages. (If you separate a sheet out of this edition, you can see it’s four pages.) The color presses are set up for the large rolls, not the small ones, and thus, the four pages from the dinky will be left in black and white. As I noted previously, we’re not quite at the level where we can print 24 pages every issue yet. But we’d love it if you could help us get there! Okay, now on to politics. The Mueller report finally came out, the Friday before we went to press on Monday, March 25th. Almost nothing from the actual report had been revealed yet, so we’re just as much in the dark as before. Only a couple of post-report cartoons had come out by press time (including the cover), so, depending on how much Trump’s Attorney General releases of the report, the next issue could be a real humdinger. Hand-picked Attorney General William Barr stated in his report summary that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had not found sufficient facts to establish a conspiracy. But he also noted that, “While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” Naturally, Trump tweeted that it did exonerate him, probably because he can’t read. In any case, it is imperative that Congress be given the report in full. Since Justice department policy says it can’t indict a sitting president, only impeachment is left as a remedy for a lawless president – and that means Congress must have all the facts. There is, therefore, absolutely no excuse for withholding any part of the report, or the underlying findings, from Congress. No matter what happens with Trump, though, the real root of the problem we’re now facing is a poorly informed public. Only people who are ignorant of the facts could continue to support any public office-holder who so brazenly eschews so many norms and laws, as this president has done and continues to do. Somehow, we’ve got to counter this dark cloud of ignorance, kept in place by certain media outlets who traffic in lies and deceit. They know who they are... and so do we. – James Israel, Editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 28, Issue 324, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: Rod Bartchy, Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Jennifer Hollie Bowles, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jeff Cahlon, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2019. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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April, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
3
Crowded Field Democrats try to remain focused...
despite the sheer number of candidates for 2020.
They are already planning their convention...
4
as candidates try to distinguish themselves...
a difficult task for the lesser-knowns.
Bernie Sanders’ big entrance got everyone’s attention...
and he quickly assumed command of the field...
although many insist it’s time he step aside. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
O’Rourke jumped in, breaking the record Bernie had just set...
as he began trying to invent his own brand.
Of course, everyone’s waiting on good ol’ Joe... who figures to be quite popular.
Meanwhile, Repubs want to paint Dems as radicals... who are bent on Trump’s destruction.
The party faces big challenges...
April, 2019
not the least of which is winning in 2020.
HUMOR TIMES
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Doing More Than Any President Ever The prez has been keeping busy...
preparing a killer budget...
attending important meetings...
displaying love of country...
signing bibles...
raking in emoluments...
and fighting ghosts. (continued) weighing in on marriage disputes...
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
He’s had to fend off a flood of investigations...
pointing tiny fingers of blame at others.
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HUMOR TIMES
7
Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does Stop the presses. Hold the phone. Call the queen. Ring a bell. Do the math. Cut the cheese. Bring the hurt. Mind the gap. Get a clue. Catch a break. Hook me up. Cancel lunch. Aid and abet. Alert the media. Blow the shofar. The cause of all this consternation? Evidence has emerged that rich people use their money to access privileges that poor folks can’t afford. I know, right? What next: the Pacific Ocean is moist? Plumbers are expensive? Landlords opposed to rent control? Couch cushions in suburban Midwestern basements soiled with beer stains? This isn’t just about being able to travel to exotic destinations at a moment’s notice or having decent health care on call or buying in bulk at Costco. This is the dark underbelly of people who never need to glance at the right side of the menu or steal Kleenex from the hotel room or hold up the grocery store lines sifting through coupons. After conducting Operation Varsity Blues, the FBI arrested 33 rich parents accused of trying to buy their kids’ admission to prestigious universities through nefarious means: having ringers take SAT tests in their stead. Claiming students were disabled, and while retaking the test, proctors would slip them answers. Other families pretended students were upper level athletes going so far as to Photoshop heads onto team pictures. Hopefully, not football. This was done in lieu of earning a slot to matriculate the old-fashioned way: by bribing schools with hefty financial incentives; the traditional and tax-deductible method that Jared Kushner’s father implemented by donating 2.5 million dollars to Harvard. Of course Jared did learn important lessons such as how to marry into a richer family. Or at least what he thought was a richer family. Colleges involved announced internal investigations destined to get to the bottom of things somewhere near the turn of the next century. The scheme unraveled when admissions consultant William Rick Singer, who said he built a “side door” to get into the best colleges, cooperated with the investigation in return for immunity. No honor amongst the rich. BSOC: Big Snitch on Campus. A couple of famous actresses were rounded up in the sting, and both lost work in the ensuing publicity, though maybe they can play themselves in the Hallmark Channel Movie of the Week about the College Admissions Scandal. Of course it would need to be a Christmas special. Lori Laughlin paid $500,000 to get her two wee bairn into USC pretending they were crew athletes. That’s 250k apiece. How cluelessly entitled were these girls? One daughter went on Instagram and posted a video “I want the experience of, like, game days, partying… I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.” Not sure what her grades were, but sounds like she couldn’t spell
GPA it if you spotted her the G WILL DURST and the P. And now the inevitable deluge of civil lawsuits begins. One student is suing because she couldn’t get into USC and had to settle for Stanford. A Bay Area teacher, Jennifer Kay Toy, whose only son had a 4.2 GPA and couldn’t get into his school of choice, is suing for 500 billion dollars. With a b. This single mother obviously went to a good school. And majored in fantasy. Probably a graduate of Trump University. Dean’s List.
A Plague of Dems Democrats applying to be their party’s next presidential nominee constitute the second largest growth industry in America surpassed only by those providing legal advice to Trump Administration staffers. It’s a number climbing to where it might be easier to list those currently not planning a run. And no, we can’t rule out Jimmy Carter, Anthony Weiner or Lyndon Johnson. Holy moley catfish, there’s a ton of them. Scads. Gobs. Reams. Oodles. A raft. A mob. A plethora. A profusion. An abundance. Veritable boatloads. Some might say a rash of candidates. A plague or even an epidemic. Already! We’re still a year out from the Iowa Caucuses with the first debate not scheduled to start serious internecine squabbling until June. According to Ballotpedia, 192 Democrats have officially entered the 2020 contest for the White House including a guy named Cohen Eden Solutionator. 11 are considered authentic, legitimate, bona-fide but many more big names are poised to leap into this liberal scrum like lemmings off a cliff with a 60 mph wind at their backs. The presidency of Donald Trump has resuscitated a term popular back in the early 20th century — “Yellow Dog Democrats.” Those are voters who would rather elect a saffron colored canine than a Republican. You know, like California. Many Dems would vote for the Solutionator, his pet ferret or a child’s beach pail full of wet sand, if they thought any would have a chance to deny the New York City real estate developer a second term. A banana faced monkey dribbler. A reeking heap of steaming feces. Because it would be their reeking heap of steaming feces. As opposed to the reeking heap of steaming feces currently soiling Oval Office furniture. With no front-runner, the field is more wide open than a condo complex at Chernobyl. Hil lary Clinton is such old news, her S’s look like F’s. New Jer sey Sen a tor Cory Booker is running as a feistier sequel to Obama. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren may be the candidate the president fears the most since she’s the only one with a nickname. So far. Hawaii Representative Tulsi Gabbard, Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg and Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar just want people to pro nounce their names correctly. Julian Castro needs separation from his twin brother. Sher r od Br own, Mi chael Bloomberg, Beto O’Rourke and some guy named Joe are biding their time and former Col o r ado Gov er nor John Hickenlooper gets points for being fun to say. Kamala Harris is a woman, half Jamaican and half Indian. If only she were lesbian suffering from bipolar issues who owned an anx i ety pea cock, she’d be perfect. The California Senator survived the curse of be i ng r e f er r ed t o as t he front-runner for about a minute until Bernie Sanders threw his hat into the ring. Well, near the ring. His aim isn’t what it used to be. In this race for presidential nominee, the Vermont Senator will have to share his far left lane. He might not even be the most socialist candidate, which is the seam Mister Trump looks ready to attack. And attack he will. After all Bernie blazed the trail and energized that part of the party that thinks Karl Marx was too middle of the road. But we can say with the upmost certainty the Bernmeister will retain the mantle of crankiest candidate. Pretty sure his campaign website is heyyoupunks getoffmylawn.com.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-tour ing po lit i cal comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org). See willdurst.com for calendar listings.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
Investigation Proliferation The Manafort trials finally wrapped up...
and as Roger Stone tried to change the focus of his trial...
Trump’s attention remained laser-focused.
As the Mueller report finally wrapped up...
Trump remained vigilant...
insisting that the people are with him.
Now that it’s over, certain people can relax...
April, 2019
while we wait to see how much is revealed.
HUMOR TIMES
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We Don’t Need No (Front Door to) Education A scandal hit right at spring break time...
but for some, that’s pretty much all the time.
Think of it as a “special needs” program...
for those who can afford a fast-track...
to get on track for a career.
As long as you have the proper paperwork...
But all types of colleges are now suspect. there is no need to worry.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
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HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Secret Trump Negotiations with Pelosi Come to Light According to a source in the White House, before Trump conceded to end the government shutdown for his border wall, he attempted a number of clandestine secret negotiations with Pelosi via written memos, carried to her by trusted members of his staff. Each memo contained one of the following incentives that he offered in exchange for border wall funding:
1. Given the influx of female legislators, create a beauty and nail salon in the Capitol building for free use by all. 2. Establish an open account at Prada for Speaker Pelosi. 3. Arrange a free two week vacation for Speaker Pelosi and her family aboard one of the Saudi Prince‘s yachts. 4. Arrange for free Jenny Craig lunches to be delivered to female legislators when Congress is in session. 5. Provide free Botox injections and breast implants (or lifts for some of the “older gals”) for any female legislators willing to vote for the funding. Her only reply was a rolling of her eyes, according to witnesses, which Trump recalled seeing in response to his speeches at a number of public events. “I just don’t understand that woman,” the Presi dent complained. “All of my wives would have jumped at any of these offers.” The source said there was only one offer that they purposely failed to deliver (which they obviously also failed to tell the President about): “I will publicly arm wrestle you for the funding.” The staffers chose not to forward the memo to Pelosi, fearing she might accept, and they knew he didn’t stand a chance. Reported by Diane de Anda.
A major melee occurred today on the American/Mexican border, as thousands of middle class Americans stormed the fences and barricades separating them from Central American soil. Overwhelmed and surprised, Mexican border guards at first tried to halt the massive human avalanche, but eventually were forced back by the sheer numbers of Yankees seeking a better life for themselves. As the day went on, Mexican Special Agents were able to put together a picture of what the migrant caravan was all about. Disgruntled working class and middle level Americans were tired of watching their fortunes and incomes dwindle as the upper classes gained heavily in finances and power in what used to be the ‘Greatest Country On Earth,’ according to some time eroded legend. Like their forebearers, these ‘modern pioneers’ want to take over new frontiers where a
The first verified proof of man-made global warming has been confirmed in Washington.
In a report released early yesterday and confirmed by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it was detailed that the polar region has become so warm that the North Pole did, in fact, slide all the way to DC, bringing with it Santa Claus and his myriad helpers. In a stunning announcement shortly after his arrival, Santa said, “Although I am as surprised as you that I am here, in a greater sense I have been here for a while. I have received many letters from Americans stating they felt that the United States already has a “Santa Claus government,” in which many of its citizens consider
Taurus - If you’re one of those Bulls who’ve discovered your artistic talents are limited to home crafts, go ahead & shine with those glittery Easter eggs.
Scorpio - Your sex drive is up. Your trust levels are down. You might, however, find an odd balance eating lots of sushi and having sex with the same partner in public places.
Virgo - If you find yourself analyzing the density and flexibility of tooth brush bris tles over time, shift your analysis to the side effects of toxic fluoride in toothpaste.
Sagittarius - Your higher mind will be quite ac ti vated this month. That doesn’t mean you should try to con vert your friends and family to a new ism. Capricorn - Warm weather and growth is only your friend when you truly get in-tune with the in cred i bly weird ass sounds goats make. Aquarius - When Water Pitchers fall in love, they spill all over their lovers, until they become part of the de praved pool of humanity, just like a large non-profit organization. Pisces - It’s okay to enjoy Cadbury eggs. The creamy filling is a metaphor for the true meaning in life.
Catch up on previous funny Horoscope columns by Jennifer Hollie Bowles that you may have missed on the Humor Times website at humortimes.com!
14
the US Government and Santa to be one in the same. I cannot say how gratified I am to have heard this. As soon as I settle down in Queens, where I have just been offered tax incentives to establish my 2,000,000 SF workshop, I’ll be running for Congress under the ‘Santa Always Free Everything banner (SAFE).’” The newly elected fire brand Con gresswoman Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) responded to Santa’s announcement, saying, “I’m the real boss in Queens and in DC. This joker, who claims he’s more Green than me because he rides around on a sled with a bunch of methane farting Reindeer, is just another racist white man in a red hat set up by Trump.” In a survey, most liberals said they saw no difference between the ballot and a Christmas wish list, and felt that consolidating voting and the gifting season would make a lot of sense. Those who identified as Republicans refused to an swer be cause they did n’t be lieve in man-made climate change – although they did still believe in Santa Claus. Concern about Santa’s immigration status was mitigated by the fact that he would not need government charity. Reported by Joel Goodman.
Trump Budget: Plan to Shooting Elderly & Infirm to Reduce Entitlements The White House has unveiled its 2020 budget, which institutes a new plan designed to help cut rising Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security costs by shooting elderly and infirm people dead in their tracks. Ex plained pres i den tial spokes per son Kellyanne Conway, “We’ll be targeting old, poor, and sickly Democrats, along with occasional independents and the few remaining moderate Republicans. This creative new approach will help re duce the cost of entitlement programs and enable us to give bigger tax breaks to billionaires so they can take nicer vacations, preferably at Mar-a-Lago.” Sen ate Dem ocrats ex pressed concern about the plan. “It does seem a bit extreme,” said Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer, “particularly to a man my age. We plan to put on a brief, disorganized show of opposition before caving as usual.” The 2020 budget plan, which would involve distribution of free ammunition and beer to hunters throughout the nation, could be up and running within a few months. Also up and running would be the potential victims of the plan, although chances are they won’t run very far. The American Medical Association expressed reservations about the plan. “We admit that treating senior citizens can be complex,” said a spokesperson. “But it’s almost as if this administration places no value on human life.” Countered Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “We have a culture of life, especially wealthy life. Is there any other kind worth living? Our goal is to put these elderly and poor folks out of their lingering economic misery while using the saved tax dollars for more crony capitalism. Hey, it’s what we do.” Concluded Donald Trump, “It’s a great plan that will help spread chaos, disruption, and violence throughout our great nation and distract everyone from the many ongoing investigations into everything about me. Once Vladimir okays everything, we’ll be moving forward.” Reported by Robert Friedman.
Ripping the Headlines Today
By Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Libra - Is it hot or is it cold? Is Trump a devil or a lost soul? Neither. It’s Spring chaos, and the polls show incumbents always win.
Leo - As much as you’re loving the warm weather, keep in mind that no one really wants to see you in an outfit that looks like a disco club threw-up in Walmart.
person could start life afresh on fertile lands that held the promise of prosperity. A number of gringos stopped in Mexico to put down roots. “They got so much land here they ain’t using!” commented Ian Acregrabber. “We in America know how to use land. And we know about oil, the one thing Mexico is rich in. Of course, the big boys really dominate it here in Aztec land, but we’ll see about chang ing that,” Acregrabber winked. “We should have thought of this a long time ago. Mexico could have been our 51st state.” Some were asked if they were renouncing the US. Alvin Teeparty said “I’m not going to bother Making America Great Again for Billionaires, I’m going to make my own 10 acres great for me and my family, thank you! Besides, the ones whose farms we’re taking over now have our old jobs at the assembly plant!” Reported by Roger Freed.
Santa, Forced to Relocate, Runs for Congress
Aries - Happy Birthday Rams! Cosmic forces predict things will not suck ass for approximately three days after your birthday.
Cancer - Pastels, chocolates, and baskets oh my! Nurture all nature’s creatures like they’re the cutest little pot belly bunnies ever, unless it’s a drunk plumber or Nancy Pelosi.
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life
Horoscopes for Jerks: April, 2019
Gemini - Just like astro Twins, this is a time where no one is sure which side is dominant: Jesus or the Easter Bunny.
Headline News Section
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Jose Canseco Accuses A-Rod of Cheating on JLo in a ‘World of Dance’ Twitter Rant Shocking! Jose actually admitted to watching ‘World of Dance.’
Happy 88th Birthday, William Shatner And a happy 52nd to your hair. Pompeo suggests Trump was put on Earth to save the Jews … so those pardons are al ready writ ten for Jared and Ivanka.
Woman attacked by jaguar says Arizona zoo should consider ‘moving fence’ … to just out side a mental institution. Trump calls KellyAnne Conway’s husband, the ‘Husband From Hell’ Damn, that’s like Roy Moore Jr. complaining he saw R. Kelly at the Mall. Kendall Jenner spent her Saturday night playing with a pet snake So, that’s what kids today are calling it. Report: Mama June arrested for drug possession after domestic dispute Now that’s a honey of a boo boo. GM’s new Corvette is so powerful, it’s warping the frame in tests, report says … Guys with small penises thrilled! Mike Pence and Lindsey Graham out campaigning in South Carolina Throw in a guy in a cowboy hat and one in a cop uniform and you got a Village People tribute band.
Report: Robert Kraft files motion to stop release of evidence Well, he is Jewish, so the evidence is circumcisonal. Liz Warren wants to get rid of the Electoral College So, one less college for Lori Loughlin to cheat to get her kids into! Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale are now making out in cars Look for his Netflix show ‘Comedian in Cars Getting Action.’ Trump claims White Nationalists are small group … that gets together only for Cabinet meetings. High schooler regrets accepting dare to jump into shark tank at California aquarium Especially now that she knows she can get her parents to pay for someone else to do it for her.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
Rat Ratting on Rat Cohen’s testimony did not change many minds...
and Republicans said he was not to be believed.
“How could a guy turn bad like that?” they asked.
They grilled him hard...
demanding answers...
and questioning his motives.
Despite some interesting tidbits...
April, 2019
the public was left wondering who to believe.
HUMOR TIMES
15
Fine People on Both Sides No one wants to admit to racism...
and some feel they have to defend themselves.
having never really been eradicated... Hate crimes are on the rise...
White nationalism’s new ascendance can be traced back... and now Islamophobia threatens to blow up society.
if you have ears to hear and eyes to see. and it’s not that hard...
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
National Emergency Although Trump’s team continues to argue semantics...
The prez decided he could just reappropriate some funds...
the real problem is much deeper.
with two magic words.
even as new ones are created. Meanwhile, real emergencies are bing ignored...
as he sees it. Trump said Dems need to face reality...
April, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
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The Hightower Lowdown
Socialism The word has been bandied about a lot lately...
but it means different things to different people.
Repubs would like to wipe it out completely...
It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want “Socialism,” snarled Donald Trump at a recent pep rally of far-right Republicans. And the obedient crowd of faithful Trumpistas snarled back in unison: “So-shull-izz-ummm!” And there you have the entire intellectual content of the GOP’s 2020 re-election strategy under Generalissimo Trump — slap Democrats silly with a scurrilous campaign branding them as Lenin-Trotsky-Stalin reincarnate. It’s not just Trump hissing out the socialist label in a frantic McCarthyesque attempt to make it stick by mindless repetition, but also Mike Pence, cabinet officials, Republican lawmakers, right-wing pun dits a nd, of c ours e , t he e xt r em i st choreographers of Fox News. Their incessant babbling has already turned clownish, with many babblers bumbling over their own ignorance and making ridiculous attempts to overplay their weak hands. Texas Sen. John Cornyn, for example, compared Democrats who support ideas such as “Medicare for All” to Mussolini. Apparently, Cornyn is unaware that the brutish Italian dictator was no socialist, but a fascist! Mussolini’s ideology of ultranationalism, promotion of masculine authoritarianism, domination of society by big business and the wealthy and suppression of democratic rights is the opposite of the Democratic agenda. Indeed, it describes the policies of — guess who — Trump and his acolytes, including Cornyn! The real problem for the GOP, however, is not merely that squawking like Chicken Little about diabolical socialism makes them sound like old fuddy-duddies, but that the so-called socialism they’re attacking is enormously popular with the workaday majority of Americans. Government-backed health care for all? Sure. Why should CEOs and Congress critters be the only ones to get this? Affordable higher education and housing initiatives? Of course, for that helps all of America. A wealth tax on corporate giants and the superrich? Long overdue that they stop dodging the cost of the common good. Restore the rights of labor and restrain the rise of monopolies? Yes! Far from socialism, this is democratic populism, reversing decades of government policies that take from the many to give to the wealthy few. It’s an honest, popular rebellion against the corporate plutocracy that seeks to usurp America’s de mocracy, pro moted by Trump and Cornyn. Which side are you on? And which side are some of our Democratic leaders on? Unfortunately, an exotic flu epidemic has broken out in Washington, D.C.
JIM HIGHTOWER Dubbed the “Canadian hot sauce flu,” it afflicts a particular group of Democratic officeholders and operatives. Its name stems from the fact that CHS flu renders its victims weaker than Canadian hot sauce, leaving them unable to stand boldly for the workaday majority they’re supposed to represent. Instead, the afflicted — mostly old-line party lead ers — are re duced to meek i ncr em ent al i sm , don’t - r ock- t he- boa t corporatism and conservative appeasement when advancing policy ideas. They fear that anything stronger than a policy stew of watered-down leftovers will spook centrist and conservative voters. This breakout of CHS flu is a reaction to the recent surge of younger, aggressively progressive voters and officeholders taking charge of the Democratic Party. Instead of vague lobbyist-approved ideas that only perpetuate America’s widening chasm of inequality, the upstarts are openly pushing real populist change, including a Green New Deal, taxing the obscene wealth of corporate profiteers, publicly financing our elections, breaking up monopolies, restoring la bor rights, pro vid ing free higher education and tech training and “Medicare for All.” Far from alienating the electorate, these proposals are generating majority support and excitement precisely because they are bold and clearly would benefit … well, the majority. Yet the protectors of the old money-soaked politics-as-usual system are wailing that the party must move to the center rather than to the left. But wait! Their mythological center is way over to the right, hunkered down with corporate interests and blocking working-class progress. The future of the party doesn’t require moving left, center or right. Those are ideological positions. Instead, the Dems should move out to the grassroots reality of ordinary Americans. People are envisioning, electing and beginning to enact a true progressive agenda to advance our nation’s democratic ideals of economic fairness, social justice and equal opportunity for all. That is a politics of integrity — a politics that is worthy of our involvement.
but it’s actually already woven into our society.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
Economy
Media
The economy is rigged in favor of the rich...
Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly on TV...
and it seems to only be getting worse...
and the Dems opted out of a debate on Fox...
or better, depending on your point of view. because they’ve been known to be slightly biased.
Meanwhile, Brexit is about ready for takeoff.
April, 2019
Meanwhile, if you want to actually learn something, read.
HUMOR TIMES
19
Miscellaneous Mischief
20
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2019
April, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
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You’re Never Fully Dressed for That Excruciating Tax Audit Without a Smile Happiness researcher Sarah Pressman smiles when she gets stuck in traffic. And when she goes to the doctor’s office? She smiles when she gets a shot. Why? Her research has found that people who smiled while receiving a needle injection rated the ordeal as 40% less painful than those who didn’t. And their heart rates didn’t increase as much in response to the stress of the injection either. Pressman, who has been researching happiness for a decade, is convinced that positive emotion is good for you. Her advice for when the going gets tough? Turn that frown upside down. “It’s amazing that it works,” Pressman said in a recent issue of Time Magazine. “We’re still trying to unpack why.” In the meantime? You’re never fully dressed for that excruciating tax audit without a smile. It’s a strategy I think of as Counterintuitive Smiling. The worse it gets, the more you beam. You’re stopped for driving 60 mph in a 55 mph zone? Give that police officer a grin! Caught in a downpour on your way to work? Let a smile be your umbrella. Being happy could extend your life. According to Time, one study found that older people who reported being the least happy died at nearly twice the rate in the next five years as people who reported being the most happy. Clearly, the right strategy is to go through life is smiling when bad news strikes, and staying happy no matter what. Sometimes, of course, this will be a challenge. Your hubby reveals that he’s been cheating on you and asks for a divorce. Greet his news with a cheerful “Terrific! I hope that works out for you.” Your daughter drops out of her Ivy League school in order to pursue her true passion, which is pole dancing. Beam and say “Great idea! You go girl!”
Parting Shots: Dealmaker Trump finally made it to Vietnam...
ROZ WARREN
Your dentist tells you that you need a root canal. Look pleased and say “Doc, you just made my day!” I recently decided to go through an entire day with a smile on my face, rather than employing my usual coping mechanisms (swearing and sarcasm) if things went wrong. When I told a patron at the library where I work that he couldn’t check anything out until he paid the $40 fine he owed us and he started hollering at me, I did my best to look delighted. When our wait ress got my lunch order wrong, instead of grousing, I cheerfully asked her to re-do it. Faced with an interminable line at the Post Office, I put on a happy face and held it for the 15 minutes it took to get to the front of the line, then greeted the postal clerk with a cheery “Hello! Nice day, isn’t it?” Apparently, this behavior will make me happier. It could even extend my life. (And if nothing else, it’s fun to see how con ta gious happiness is: when folks expecting a snarl from you get a smile instead, they’ll often smile right back.) And the next time I go to the doctor’s office,, when I get a shot, I plan to shout “Yippee! Hallelujah!” That should give the nurses something to smile about. (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor.)
where he met with Kim Jong-un...
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