Humor Times, June 2019

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain Issue #326

June, 2019

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Editor’s Letter

Come by before or after the game!

The Humor Times just published its 28th anniversary issue a couple months ago, and we are very proud of that. However, our continued survival as a print publication is anything but assured. Expenses are increasing, but sadly, income is not, and it’s not like there’s room to spare.

We have tried everything we can think of to increase our subscription base, and I still firmly believe there is a vast potential audience for this type of zine out there. But reaching them with an sample issue or marketing of any kind costs money, and our budget is too tight.

Advertising is also very hard to come by for any print publication these days, but especially for small periodicals. We are very grateful for the businesses that do grace our pages each month, and without them, we wouldn’t be able to meet our expenses. But it isn’t enough.

We must increase one or the other, or both.

I think increasing our readership is our best bet, because, as a left-leaning political humor venue, there are millions of potential customers out there. The majority of the population is now progressive on social and other issues, and as time passes, that just gets truer every year.

Look at all the left-leaning political humor shows on TV that are doing so well. Political humor is a salve to the souls of a huge swath of the country, as the grip of the patriarchal, misogynistic, racist, environmentally ignorant, paranoid and intolerant old guard is in its violent last throes.

The Humor Times acts as a relief valve, I believe, to help people “laugh about the news, rather than cry about it,” as one of our mottos says. We get feedback all the time from our faithful readers, as well as new ones, who tell us they love what we do, and anticipate each issue with glee.

And so, we want to continue on for many Long-shot liberal more years, but we need some help. If any of you readers knows a well-healed “angel invescongressional candidate tor” out there who likes to support good causes, Lucifer Sims launches a please send them our way. And all of you can quixotic campaign in this help on a smaller scale, by becoming a monthly patron (see ad, previous page), or by simply hilarious anthology of the giving subscriptions. newspaper comic strip.

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– James Israel, Editor

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June, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

3

Constitutional Crisis So it’s come to this.

One man thinks he’s above the law...

and intends to prove it. and knows better than the founding fathers...

and avoids consequences...

He has protection...

thanks to key people...

4

in position to help. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

Trump is in it to win it, at all costs...

just like those he so admires.

If he succeeds, there’s no going back...

We’re way past just “killing someone on 5th Avenue.”

and the sickness will become lethal.

He may consider it a game...

and can no longer be ignored. but the situation is critical...

June, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

5

Impeachment Short Form For all those who keep saying it can’t get any weirder, this is on you. Haven’t we learned not to taunt the gods? Like those good people whose only motivation for voting for Donald Trump was to shake things up. Are we shook up enough yet?

But who would have thunk the new man in charge of the Justice Department could establish a world record for shameless obsequiousness this fast? He’s put the “ole” in grovel and makes Rudy Giuliani look like a blundering, bumbling bungler. Well, he is, but in contrast, the distinction is even more acute.

In less than 10 weeks, Attorney General William Barr has defied subpoenas, Congress, the Constitution, common sense, good practices, good grammar and good grooming all to protect the president of the United States from being held responsible for his actions.

Appearing in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Donald Trump’s handpicked replacement for Jeff Sessions proved to be such a presidential lapdog, he should be recognized by the American Kennel Club as the 194th breed.

Listen close and you can hear the wailing from Hollywood publicists who realize Barr has lowered the bar and they’re going to have service their clients with even more excessive sycophantic subservience. The phrase “bow and scrape” will take on asphalt-scuffing connotations.

A problem with this new breed of cur is they’re not very housebroken, as he’s refused to appear in front of the junior chamber’s version of a Judiciary Committee, objecting to having committee staff lawyers interrogate him. Answering questions from Congress members is one thing, but actual lawyers? That’s another. Some of those people are smart.

He said when the president told former White House counsel Don McGahn to tell Sessions to fire the special counsel that didn’t mean Trump wanted to fire the special counsel. He also believes a president can terminate any proceeding he wants. Because he is The Law. Sylvester Stallone would be so proud.

Barr has effectively created a Catch-22: implying that the president cannot commit a crime, hence he can’t be subject to a criminal investigation. Funny, he doesn’t look like a Norman Mailer fan.

Under questioning by California Senator Kamala Harris, Barr then claimed he couldn’t remember if the White House ever asked or suggested that the Justice Department investigate anybody, you know, like an enemies list. Dodging Richard Nixon’s playbook he stole a page from Bill Clinton’s, saying he was confused by the word “suggest.” He seems perplexed by quite a few words like “truth,” “justice” and “the American Way.”

The House plans to initiate WILL DURST contempt proceedings unless B a rr ha nds ove r the f ull unre da c te d ve r s ion o f Mueller’s report, but enforcement of a contempt charge is the purview of the Justice Department. Headed by the aforementioned William Barr. So chances of him throwing himself in the hoosegaw are somewhere between less than none and dream on big river.

Now, calls for the attorney general to resign or threats of his impeachment are competing directly with the president’s sticky situation. Maybe the Democrats can set up an abbreviated process. Impeachment: The Short Form.

What the hell, throw Mike Pence on the fast-track as well. Get some Silicon Valley venture capitalist to fund a start-up. Launch an Impeachment IPO. As Hunter S. Thompson once said, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

Impeachment and the Hamlet Conundrum Everybody is talking about it. Well, around it: vacillating, cogitating, salivating, fluctuating, aspirating, constipating, meditating, figure-eighting, and to prove they’re serious, polling. We’re referring, of course, to the “I” word; Impeachment. Methinks they doth protest too much.

And when we say everybody, we mean EVERYBODY. Talk-show pundits. Gesticulating anchors. Brooding Danes. The only people not talking about it are the vast majority of the 21 Democratic nomination wannabees who are ignoring the question to concentrate on more important issues, like fundraising. Should the Chief of State be held responsible for possible high crimes and misdemeanors? After all, everyone agrees: something is rotten in Denmark.

To impeach or not to impeach. That is the question. Whether tis nobler in voters’ minds to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous leadership or to take arms against a sea of treason and by opposing, end him.

Elizabeth Warren was first to walk out on Elsinore’s foggy balustrade and sound the alarm proclaiming it our constitutional duty to catch the conscience of a king. Kamala Harris seconded the motion but the rest of the players are following Hamlet and Nancy Pelosi’s lead of exercising caution. Any more cautious and they’d be walking backwards. There are more things in heaven and earth, N. Pelosi, than in your philosophy.

Must give her pause to think back to the trap that ensnared Republicans after impeaching Bill Clinton; who then suffering disastrously in the 1998 midterms. Visiting the undiscover’d country from whose bourn no Party returns. For a couple of election cycles at least.

No one can say she doesn’t know a hawk from a handsaw.

When not changing the subject, the candidates are thrusting lick’d fingers into the air to see which way the wind blows. But you don’t need a weatherman to tell you Donald Trump is not going down without his trademark bluster. Though this be mad ness, yet there is method in it. He can’t help it. To thine own self be true.

Says he plans to fight impeachment in the courts. But see, that’s part of the problem because the process doesn’t work that way. The House of Rep re sen ta tives impeaches, which is like an indictment resulting in a trial over which the Senate presides. The play’s the thing.

Ay, there’s the rub. Not just every Democrat but 20 Republican Senators would have to vote to convict and the chances of that happening are about the same as the Islamic Brotherhood scheduling a barbecue rib cook-off in a strip joint on the outskirts of Kronborg.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. Thus the complicated calculus begins.

Do the seekers of the nomination risk backlash from centrists if they do come out in favor of impeachment or annoy the base if they don’t. Do they bear these ills they have or fly to others they not know of? To sleep, perchance to dream.

Especially when the slightest of slipups will act as the whips and scorns of time causing them to shuffle off this mortal coil and dropping from the grown up debate table to the kids table?

So expect calls for patience and further investigations, and the native hue of re s o lu tion to be sicklie’d over with the pale cast of thought, which in the end, will, like conscience, make cowards of us all.

Exeunt.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-touring po lit i cal comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Sce nario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org).

See willdurst.com for calendar listings.

6

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

Tired of Winning The Trump tariffs are already being felt...

and it’s only going to get worse.

The economy is a delicate balance...

as is the balance of world power...

but the president says he knows best.

Yet it’s his trademark business acumen...

that could cost him his red state support...

June, 2019

as the reality hits home.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Choices, Choices It’s exciting times...

for the “pro-choice” party.

Ultimately, anyone would do...

maybe...

if they can survive.

Joe burst confidently onto the scene...

getting close to voters... and prepared to bring the party together. (continued)

8

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

Other aspirants are feeling the magic too...

hoping to be on the tip of everyone’s tongue.

Meanwhile, tensions are running high over a certain issue...

to an annoying degree.

Establishment Dems are cautious...

But they all agree on one thing...

June, 2019

and the current prez is loving it.

and know they need to get out the vote.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Man Inserts USB Stick Right Way Around on First Attempt HUDDERSFIELD, UK – Jack Gibson has never claimed to be a computer whizz or a psychic and yet, this 34 year old from Huddersfield has achieved the near impossible: Today he inserted a USB stick into the socket on his laptop the right way around on his first attempt.

Gibson was astonished at his own exploit. “I would never have thought that I would accomplish such a feat,” he tells us. By his own account, he has never had great ambitions in the field of IT. “It took me completely by surprise when the USB stick slid smoothly into the port with no resistance.” He almost pulled it back out again to try it the other way up out of habit.

Since then, Gibson, a dental technician by trade, has constantly been fielding calls f rom wellwishers and interested parties. “Three different companies have already asked me to speak at their conferences,” he reports, “although several callers just want to congratulate me.”

Experts say the probability of successfully inserting a USB stick on the first attempt to be in the region of 1 in 1080.

Reported by The-Postillon.com

Other Headlines at HumorTimes.com: Ex clu sive! Spy Drone Eaves dropped on Trump-Putin Call: Transcript Former French Colonies Warn ‘Humanitarian Intervention’ Will Crush ‘Dictator Macron’ Electoral College Electors Hiding Out from Democrats

Taurus - You love the outdoors, but watching sports on TV will only increase your risk of heart disease and de lusional substitutes.

Breaking news: We have been told by an informant in the royal staff that Megan and the Queen are at odds. Queen Elizabeth is furious with Harry ’s new wife for her latest and most serious breach of royal tradition and her i tage. The staff knew her anger had reached it peak when the queen drank her afternoon tea straight, forgetting to add the customary milk.

Megan and the Queen at odds: Prince Harry and Meghan MarkleMegan, whose baby is due any day now, announced that she and Harry are committed to raising their child as a vegan. In shock, the queen immediately loosened the grip on her hand bag, which she gen er ally has clamp ed to h er s ide . She trie d t o be open-minded when Megan cited the health benefits of a plant based diet. But when Megan then said that her primary reason was the savagery involved in killing animals, the queen’s purse crashed to the ground.

“That’s unacceptable!” shouted the queen.

“Since we had to give up the Empire, the only ones we have left to subjugate are animals.”

Trump administration officials have recently come out with a report against an “insidious CNN / mainstream media conspiracy” against “selfless, altruistic, patriotic restaurant companies,” unfairly labeling their wonderful delicacies “junk food.”

The report points out that “the plague of fake news” does n’t only extend to unjust and ungrounded charac ter at tacks against the “best pres i dent ever,” but also represents a ton of ma licious bad faith attacks against “the var i ous kinds of nutritious food we have all come to know and love so well.”

Choice quotes from the report include the following: Fake News Conspiracy Have you noticed nobody was even talking about the sup posed ‘bad health effects’ of McDonalds until the liberal media started mor-

alizing about it? Well, isn’t that convenient.

Trump added: “People are saying stuff!”

Fake Science Honestly, this is all just such crap! Are these the same ‘experts’ that told us evolution is for real, the earth is billions of years old, and climate change is actually happening? Sounds to m e l i ke w e ’ v e ha d enough of experts, as a fellow sound American patriot of ours, Michael Gove, has said. I think we need a lot less mainstream science and a lot more common sense!

Fake Rhetoric ‘Junk food’ is a disingenuous, biased framing strategy invented by George Lakoff, George Soros and Anderson Cooper, in order to make good things look bad, and bad things look good.

“Evil be thou my good,” as the original King James Bible 1611 says. – Reported by Wallace Runnymede, GlossyNews.com.

Libra - As everything heats-up, keep in mind that some things just can’t be justified, like child rapists and depres sion med i ca tion that causes suicidal ideation.

Scorpio - Think your secrets are well hidden? Just remember that Trump’s wig only seems esoteric to other fat balding assholes.

Sag it tar ius - Ju pi ter, the planet of excess, is also the rul ing planet of the Ar cher sign: let that sink in.

Cancer - Silly Crabs, the Moon doesn’t care what on Earth you feel, as long as you’re feeling something.

Capricorn - Saturn, the planet of restriction, is also the ruling planet of the Goat sign, and we all really wish that didn’t sink into you so much.

Leo - Yes, we know, your outfit says much about who you are, but even retro couture won’t glam-up those highly unattractive sweat rings.

Aquarius - If you’re not sure what your preferred pronoun is from day to day, please stop displacing your anger and expect ing your 83-year-old neighbor lady to figure it out.

Pisces - You’re as beautifully nebulous as you are disturbingly sensitive: don’t let others m a n i p u l a t e yo u l i k e a flexed-time government work week.

Traumatized Marvel Fans Say ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Just 3 Hours of Ironman Slowly Starving to Death in Space

Moviegoers were left traumatized this weekend after viewing Avengers: Endgame.

The hotly antic ipated fol low-up to last year’s Avengers: Infinity War featured a slow 3-hour, single-shot starvation death scene of Ironman.

In an exclusive with Robert Downey Jr., the actor revealed the rigors he went through to accurately deliver the scene.

“I went completely method for this one,” beams Downey. “I literally ate nothing for the entire three hours it took to shoot the film.”

The film’s director, the entity known as the Russo brothers said it had initially planned the filming as a practical joke to get back at the actor for hiding snack food on set over the years, but found themselves moved to actually make the movie after seeing Downey’s performance.

“It was really weird how just three hours without snacking left him lifeless,” said the Russo brothers in unison. “But the honesty of the scene was so moving that we couldn’t not make this film.”

As divisive as the creative choice of Avengers: Endgame seems to be, Marvel fans are expected to at least like it better than Ironman 3.

At press time, Avengers: Endgame had made $30 trillion at the box office.

Reported by StubhillNews.com.

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about a national humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to bouts of belly-laughter.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” he went on, “but is it, really?

Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.”

(Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles

Catch up on previous funny Horoscope columns by Jennifer Hollie Bowles that you may have missed on the Humor Times website at humortimes.com!

12

“How would you feel if one of your Corgi’s were missing, and the cook served you a plate with four broiled, short legs,” re sponded Megan.

The queen turned s h e e t - wh i l e , a n d quickly counted her Corgis who had been sitting quietly at her feet.

“That was a vulgar and uncivilized thing to say,” rejoined the queen when she regained her composure. “I was a hunter from a young age. All royals are expected to wear their hunting regalia and make their first kill by age six.”

“Not my baby,” Megan retorted.

“But it isn’t your baby, my dear. It belongs to the House of Windsor,” the queen sneered with a growing grin.

“But it’s in my body,” Megan replied, raising her voice.

“A temporary complication,” sniffed the queen.

The queen stood and shook her head. “I can’t imagine a royal who’s never tasted blood.”

Reported by Diane de Anda.

‘Junk Food’ is ‘Fake News,’ Say Trump Lobbyists

Gem ini - Happy Birth day, Twins! To celebrate both sides of yourself, be the cake and eat it too!

Virgo - The next time someone thinks they prove you wrong, threaten them with Google Scholar.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Unforgivable Breach Puts Megan and Queen at Odds

Horoscopes for Jerks: June, 2019 Aries - Your internal body heat is ris ing. Please, for your safety, let-off some steam by exercising instead of aggressively masturbating.

Headline News Section

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Bill Nye in defense of the Green New Deal: ‘The planet’s on f—king fire!”

Bill Nye dropping the F Bomb about Cli mate Change is like Mister R og e rs te ll ing y ou you’re f—king up the neighborhood! Damn!

Trump lawyers to need lawyers over fallout from Michael Cohen’s lie to Congress So, MAGA = Make Attorneys Get Attorneys.

Happy 35th Birthday, Mark Zuckerberg.

What do you get the guy who has everything on everyone?!

Mom tests positive for opiates after eating everything bagel with poppy seeds on it Damn, her reputation was totally schmeared.

Newsweek: Trump told supporters Kim Jong Un killed his uncle and displayed his head ... no word as to why Kim had it in for Trump’s uncle.

Felicity Huffman gets 4 months in Prison Or, she can binge serve all her time in one day as a Netflix prison subscriber.

Alabama wants to ban abortion, gay sex Damn, but isn’t gay sex the best way to avoid abortions?

Harry and Meghan’s son Prince Archie is 7th in line to the throne … Making him the Tiffany Trump of Royalty.

Attorney General William Barr to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: ‘Did you bring your handcuffs?’

Hey, Barr, you wish!

Police arrest woman, 58, who keeps trespassing at the CIA headquarters and asking to speak to ‘Agent Penis’ Ironically, they gave her the shaft.

Miami Herald: Scientists discover cocaine in fish tested from English rivers, study say Hmmmmm, I guess that’s why they call them Blow Fish.

RIP, Doris Day We’ll never be able to get you or ‘Que Sera, Sera’ out of our heads.

NBA Draft Lottery happened Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where you go in the NBA Draft Lottery, you’ll eventually wind up with a Kardashian.

Trump Tower is now one of NYC’s least-desirable luxury buildings.

On the upside for Trump, less witnesses for shady meetings with Russians.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

The Hightower Lowdown

Health Snare New York tourism is down...

but other business is booming...

at the expense of the innocent.

What Does Made in America Mean to Trump?

“MAGA,” blusters Donald Trump. “Make merica Great Again!” America’s ranching families, however, would like Trump to come off his high horse and get serious about a more modest goal, namely Make America COOL Again.

COOL stands for Country of Origin Labeling, a straightforward law simply requiring that the labels on packages of steak, pork chops, etc. tell us if the meat came from the USA, China, Brazil or Whereintheworldistan. That’s useful information, empowering consumers to decide where their families’ food dollars go. But multinational meatpacking giants like Tyson Foods, JBS, and Cargill don’t want you and me having this basic knowledge and power to decide for ourselves.

So, in 2012, the meat monopolists got the World Trade Organization to decree that our nation’s COOL law violated global trade rules — and our corporate-submissive congress critters meekly surrendered, repealing the law.

Then came Donald Trump, blustering furiously against world trade scams and launching his Made in America campaign, which included promising struggling ranchers that he’d make restoring the COOL label a centerpiece of his new NAFTA deal. Ranching families cheered Donald the Dealmaker because getting that “American Made” brand on their prod ucts would mean more sales and better prices.

Now, however, cheers have turned to jeers, for Trump has is sued his new U.S.-Mexico-Canada Agreement, ballyhooing it as a “historic transaction.” But wait a minute ... Where’s the beef? In his grandiose 1,809-page document, there is not one scrap about restoring COOL, not one word.

Worse than being left out, America’s hard-hit ranching families are actually slapped in the face by Trump’s U.S.-Mexico-Canada deal, for it allows multinational meatpackers to keep shipping into the U.S. market foreign beef that does not meet our food safety standards! Aside from the “yuck” factor and health issues, this gives Tyson and other giants an incentive to abandon U.S. ranchers entirely.

What’s the matter with Donald and The Trumpateers? Why won’t they stand up for the American workers and business owners who make their products right here in the good ol’ US of A? Oh, yeah, I know they talk a good game.

JIM HIGHTOWER Trump himself even issued a bold, star-spangled executive order in 2017 promoting the purchase of “American-made goods” produced by American labor. We consumers respond positively to that pitch, generally preferring to buy everything from mattresses to hockey pucks that are manufactured here at home. For example, take Patriot Puck. What’s not to like about this corporation, which literally wraps its hockey pucks in American flag packaging and proudly advertises that they are “the only American Made Hockey Puck”?

Well, sadly, one thing not to like is that the puck-seller’s pitch was a lie. Its product actually turned out to be made in China. It’s not just wrong to engage in such an unfair and deceptive sales scam. It’s a federal crime.

Saddest of all, though, is that when honest competitors and defrauded consumers protested the blatant firm’s deceit, Trump’s Federal Trade Commission appointees proved to be Made in America wimps. Far from standing up for U.S. workers, they coddled the job-stealing culprit.

Trump’s Commission assessed no fines, required no admission of the obvious corporate crime, didn’t even make “Patriot” Puck notify customers of its false marketing scam and let it keep all the profits it pocketed from the fraud.

Instead, Trump’s regulatory “toughies” insisted that the threat of <em>future</em> fines would keep such outlaws in check.

Seriously? The real crime here is not just that corporation after corporation is being given a pass for mocking our Made in America laws but that our nation’s president is mocking the plight of America’s manufacturing workers by making a spectacle of standing up for them. It’s a shameful political fraud.

One thing we can do to address the injustice of Trump & Company not enforcing Made in America laws and backing down from COOL is to stand with America’s farm and ranch families against their betrayal by Trump and the Big Food monopolists by contacting the National Farmers Union: NFU.org.

Meanwhile, sinsemilla is sensible.

June, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

13

The Report That Wouldn’t Go Away The president says there’s nothing more to see...

and that he’s never felt freer.

But he didn’t always feel that way...

and now he just wants his privacy.

Republican leaders also wish it were over...

from any further investigation...

14

but will continue shield the prez...

because they’re all-in for their Dear Leader. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

The Attorney General of the U.S. Trump is dedicated...

He insists he’s cooperated enough...

to protecting the King president.

more than anyone ever, in fact.

and it’s all wrapped up.

They’ve said all they’re going to say...

It’s time to look ahead now...

June, 2019

to a glorious reign.

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Prez Certain revelations have been made...

that don’t show the president in the best light.

But it’s all fake news to Trump...

who insists he’s got it covered.

JIM HIGHTOWER

After all, he’s a natural... and his base never doubts him.

He may seem insane to most of us...

16

but he’s God’s chosen to many. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

Trump demands loyalty...

and those who serve him pay a price.

His minions accept his eccentricities...

and laud his accomplishments.

Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll do whatever it takes to keep him in power...

and maintain his massive ego.

and ride their popularity to a new term.

Their plan is to beat Dems into submission...

June, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2019

June, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

19

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“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain Issue #326

June, 2019

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