Humor Times, July 2019

“Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” – George Orwell Issue #327

July, 2019

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July, 2019

Editor’s Letter

Tariff Man

The first Democratic Debates for presidential candidates are set for June 26th & 27th (we are publishing on June 18th), and I am very much looking forward to them. Sure, they will be crowded (20 total candidates made the cut out of 24 – would 2 more each night really have made much difference?), so candidates won’t get much time, but it should still be very interesting.

All of them seem intelligent, dedicated and competent (you can rest assured that every one of them is far more qualified for the office than the current White House resident). Overall, it seems like a high-quality field of candidates – certainly far better than the clown car posse we witnessed for the also-crowded Republican debates of 2015-2016, all of whom seemed quite insane, other than former Ohio Governor John Kasich.

Personally, I think nominating the current leader in the polls, Joe Biden, would be a mistake.

The only reason he’s leading is name recognition, and as voters learn more about other candidates, his lead is decreasing. Think about it: the main reason Hillary Clinton lost to Trump is the huge decrease in voter turnout vs the previous two presidential election totals for Obama. The Republican vote turnout was about the same as in previous elections, while the totals for Clinton were millions less. Even so, as every reality-based person knows, she still actually won the popular vote. (Sorry to inform you, Trump supporters, but this is not fake news!)

The reason the turnout was lower for Clinton was that she failed to inspire voters the way Obama’s campaign did. She had a lot of political baggage, of course, but she also represented the old guard – the corporate wing of the Democratic party. So does Joe Biden.

And Biden not only lacks charisma, he has plenty of political baggage of his own. There’s his disgraceful performance in questioning Anita Hill at the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991, his sponsorship of the 1994 crime bill that is now remembered as a key moment in the mass incarceration of nonviolent drug offenders and African-Americans generally, and his support of things that put him on the wrong side of history, like the Iraq War, the 2005 bankruptcy bill (which brought a certain Harvard professor named Elizabeth Warren into the national spotlight who testified against the very flawed legislation), and the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (now seen as shameful by most Democrats). Then, of course, there’s his “handsy” behavior around women – a sure millstone around his neck in the age of #MeToo. Last, but not least, he’s got that same corporate/centrist bent that is actually antithetical to the young and ethnic Democratic voting block that swept Democrats into the House in the last election.

It’s a new era now, and it is progressive values that are inspiring the base – including older voters. The name of the game is not trying to win over Trump voters – they are a lost cause, and Democrats don’t even need them. What they need is their growing young, vibrant base to be excited enough to turn out.

– James Israel, Editor

He calls himself “Tariff Man”...

and, flying high above the criticism...

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he can do no wrong...

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 28, Issue 327, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)

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July, 2019

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Dem Debate Prep The much-anticipated Dem Debates are set to begin...

Biden starts with a big lead and a well-honed delivery...

and everything to lose.

while the other mayor is exceeding expectations.

A late arrival is the New York mayor...

Meanwhile, House Dems have a lot on their plate...

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and it’s already very confusing.

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and hope to use it to their advantage. (continued)

July, 2019

Dems finally made it to the mountain top...

only to plummet to the depths of public opinion hell.

Thanks to Trump’s “transparency,” the case is open and shut...

Pelosi’s feeling the heat...

but she and Schumer are old school.

Dems seem to be stuck in limbo...

July, 2019

yet the slick operator could still get away.

and they’d better figure it out soon.

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Imagine If Obama Had Done That!

Interesting how the Republican Party’s attitude towards the office of the Presidency has changed in three short years. During the tenure of the previous POTUS, any imagined breach of protocol provoked outpourings of outrage with spokespeople twitching and yelling and waving their arms like one of those wind puppets parked outside used car lots.

First Lady Michelle Obama once was chastised for baring her shoulders at a State Dinner; then the GOP went ballistic for a week because her husband wore a tan suit. During the days of the 44th president, opponents were so desperate for any hint of controversy, Sean Hannity called Obama an elitist because he used Dijon mustard on a burger.

Obama was constantly besmirching the dignity of the office, and by doing so, America. But today, not a single thing Donald Trump does irks the same people. He can lie and steal, make stuff up and call the press “the enemy of the people” and the base doesn’t care. He could say Ronald Reagan betrayed the Republican Party by dying, and supporters would mumble, “Mmm-hmm. Yep. Boy, that’s the truth.”

Imagine if Obama had been accused of a tenth of the stuff that 45 has. One-hundredth. Ceaseless incessant persistent seething doesn’t even come close. Foaming. Fuming. Furiosity. Livid. Rabid.

Pogo-stick hopping mad. Cheesed off to the point of sweating curds.

Can you picture how the GOP would have reacted if Barack Hussein Obama had saluted a North Korean general or neglected to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier on Memorial Day because it was raining? They would become so apoplectic they’d need plastic spit bibs to keep from ruining their suits.

How about if Obama claimed he had fallen in love with Kim Jong Un after the two had exchanged beautiful letters and then agreed with the North Korean when he attacked a potential presidential rival? Impeachment proceedings would have commenced before Air Force One was wheels down.

If Obama had sucked up to Vladimir Putin so hard he left hickeys the size of tuna cans, or accepted his claim of not interfering with our election over the opinion of 17 US intelligence agencies or held private meetings with the Russian President out of range of any staffers or media, there would have been so many congressional committees convened the paperwork would have denuded the entire redwood forest north of San Francisco.

Imagine if Obama had used his self-named dodgy charity for political purposes or hinted that he

would date his daughter if they WILL DURST were n’t re lated — tac ti cal teams from evangelical churches would have rushed the Oval Office and forced him to his knees to pray for forgiveness on live TV. Or what if Obama paid $130,000 in hush money to cover up an affair with a porn star while his 3rd wife was pregnant with his fifth child? Or Michele had posed for nude photos? They would both have been burned at the stake with the ashes scattered over the South Side of Chicago.

And if Obama had attacked a war hero like John McCain, the same result. And if the first black president stalked a white woman around the debate stage like Donald did Hillary, forget the stake, the Republicans would be digging out a rope, looking for a tall tree.

Extremely Stable Genius vs Low IQ Individual One thing you got to give him, the Oval Office occupant knows his way around a misdirection.

Every day the magnificent media magician manages to conjure up some wacky stunt, verbal flub or piece of shocking news designed to distract the spotlight from his staggering pile of emerging scandals in the manner of sawing a lady lobbyist in half in the front glass lobby of a children’s library.

A partial chronicle of his repertoire consists of name-calling, fact-mangling, verbal burps, Russian hugs and making stuff up while denying stuff that everyone agrees on. Accompanied by loud crashes, bright flashes and “Breaking News” slashes, syncopated to the drumbeat of that sound that hypnotizes him, his own name “Trump… Trump… Trump.”

Standing next to the Japanese Prime Minister, the President of the United States praised North Korea’s Beloved Leader Kim Jong-Un for sharing his opinion that a possible rival to his second term, Joe Biden, was a “low IQ individual.” He tweeted the same thing and misspelled the Democrat’s name as Bidan. It would be funny if only it weren’t.

Earlier he walked out of a Congressional meeting on infrastructure with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer because the Speaker had the temerity to suggest he was engaged in a cover-up. This precipitated a reaction that many referred to as “over the top.” And over the top for him involves a lunar landing.

“Cover-up” hardy sounds antagonistic considering he’s been accused of obstructing justice, being an agent of a foreign power and a man who puts kids in cages. Maybe he thought it was a swipe at his hair.

In response, Trump again called himself “an extremely stable genius,” this time forcing staffers to line-up and describe how stable he was, out loud, in front of cameras, or else. Which on the creepy scale registered in the high teens. Made walking the last mile look like a skipping stroll to an ice cream truck.

The man is an absolute expert at throw ing bright shiny ob jects, which the press and public chase after like Golden Retrievers lunging for steak-flavored Frisbees. So, what else can we expect to divert us from the various investigations, subpoenas and jailed advisors that will soon be targeting him? Glad you asked.

Next…

• He’ll get the Secret Service to round up all the dismantled Confederate statues and reassemble them on the South Lawn.

• Melania will contemplate another nude photo shoot.

• Kellyanne Conway and her husband will get into a fight and throw a lamp that sails over the South Portico while Donald is holding a press conference in the Rose Garden.

• Puerto Rico will be sold to a Russian oligarch giving residents 4 months to get out. But not here.

• McDonalds builds a personal private franchise in the basement of the West Wing.

• For a third time he will announce he wants to form a cyber-security task force with Russia.

• Eric Trump will quit whatever he does in the White House and go back to college.

• Donald Trump will announce his A1C diabetes results are off the charts. The highest of any human in the history of being alive.

• He’ll start a war with Iran.

• And finally, he’ll scrap the plan to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and replace her with Ivanka.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed, often-touring po lit i cal comic. Catch his weekly “Durst Case Sce nario: Midterm Madness” at SF Marsh, 1036 Valencia St (themarsh.org).

See willdurst.com for calendar listings.

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July, 2019

Dictator-in-Chief The trappings of democracy are too confining...

at least, that’s what all Trump’s BFFs say.

He’s learned a lot from them...

and is trying some stuff out already.

He’s got all the support he needs...

to keep doing what he’s good at.

After all, Britain’s “Great,” and they have royalty...

July, 2019

and “the people demand” that he stay past two terms.

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Donnie the Explorer Trump is sure “his” military loves him...

and the respect is mutual.

As he showed everyone on D-Day...

he has a keen grasp of history.

He’s nurturing friendships with leaders of democracy...

who, he’s sure, are all really into him.

and is all about “country first.” (continued) At home, he’s always in control...

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July, 2019

Trump’s staff has learned respect for the law from him...

and especially not to “rat out” insiders.

Mnuchin knows the loyalist drill...

and John Bolton’s view is forceful.

and continues to “win” with tariffs...

Trump made a great “secret deal” with Mexico...

because he’s such a great dealmaker.

July, 2019

Yes, all is well in Trumplandia.

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Chicken or the Egg: Two Chickens Sunny Side Up LIBERTY UNIVERSITY, VA – Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University has made a decision respecting their fundamental belief that life begins at c o nc e ption, re naming the “egg” in response to the “chicken or egg” controversy.

In the Food Court at Reber-Thomas, the school’s main dining hall, the Breakfast Station has renamed their previously-titled “egg” offerings, now listing them as “chicken plates.”

For example, they now offer “Chicken Om elets,” “Scram bled Chick ens” and “Chickens Sunny-Side Up.” The International Station, which offers Chinese cuisine, initially was going to rename its Egg Drop soup as Chicken Drop Soup, until it was pointed out how close that sounds to “chicken droppings.” The Station has decided to limit its soup offerings to Wonton Soup and Sweet and Sour Soup for now.

The head dietician and chef explained that in a long meeting this past week between the campus Vice President of Auxiliary Services and Senior Vice President for Spiritual Development, instigated because of Alabama’s new abortion law that respected the Christian dogma that life begins at conception, we looked at the age old question — “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

One problem faced by several stations at the Food Court seemed intractible.

They previously served Egg Salad Sandwiches and Fried Egg Sandwiches, the spokesperson said, “but changing the food item name to ‘Chicken Salad Sandwich’ and ‘Fried Chicken Sandwich’ presented problems because of the obvious confusion with existing offerings.”

Until a final decision is arrived at on how to readjust the menu to reflect the University’s beliefs, these items will simply be left off the menu.

Reported by Joel Goodman.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Hundreds of ICE Workers Desert Their Posts, Flee to Canada In response to overwhelming job stress, so- bring a near-nervous breakdown to Roberts and cial oppression and poor working conditions, his co-workers. hundreds of ICE workers are now streaming to “It was just too much! Just the communicathe Ca na dian bor der tions alone was horrenseeking asylum. The bedous. As border agents draggled caravan, tired, we are taught some hungry and worn down Span ish, but then we physically from the exstarted to get these untremes of the workload recognizable local diathat had been thrust upon lects and accents from them, waited patiently at Hon du ras, Gua te mala the bor der with our and God knows where, northern neighbor to be then added to that came let in. people with the local inICE workers seek asylum in the frozen North.

“We know how this digenous languages who game works,” stated Collin Roberts, a Customs did not even know Spanish themselves. It was Inspection official from El Paso, Texas. “We all like the Tower of Babel all over again!” just have to be patient and that the Canadians “The Canadians are one of the forerunners will process us as soon as they are able. I don’t for letting in everybody in the world into their think there is a person in our group who doesn’t country, but even they would put a quick, sensiunderstand that it is not an easy task on their ble stop to the hordes that we are getting!” expart.” claimed Marlene Donahue, ICE lice inspector at Roberts should know. He had just escaped a the Brownsville crossover in Texas. “Only we grueling 60 hour work week trying to process and Angela Merkel are dumb-assed enough to the hundreds of illegal immigrants at his El Paso let everyone and his brother and his cousins in station. The work load, the language problems, without hesitation.” the deteriorating conditions at the station — due Meanwhile, Canadians are secretly considerto the volume of refugees and the constant criti- ing building their own wall. cism from the press — all worked together to Reported by Roger Freed.

‘New Hope for Every Ova’: Alabama Doubles Down on New Abortion Law The Governor of Alabama and the Alabama leg is la ture have de cided that their new anti-abortion law does not go far enough.

Stan d in g o n the capitol steps today with the legislators behind her, the governor announced, “Every woman who is not pregnant, or in or past meno pause, com mits murder every month by letting the little ova who has worked its way down the fallopian tube to become a human being die a bloody death! Every single one of these little fellas deserves a chance to life.”

An incredulous reporter quickly asked, “Are you suggesting that the state of Alabama is going to prosecute and arrest most of the women in your state who are of childbearing age?”

“We’re going to give them options,” answered the governor. “After a few months to heal after their last delivery, women can provide evidence that they are trying to become pregnant.”

An other puz zled reporter asked, “How can the woman provide evidence?”

“Simple,” replied the gov er nor, “her hus band will fill out a form every six months indicating that his wife agreed to have sex with him a minimum of three times per week.”

“But what if the man has had or decides to have a vasectomy?” shouted a reporter.

“We would never tell a man what he should do with his own body,” was the quick reply.

Reported by Diane de Anda.

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Some doc tors, in the wake of many psycologists warning about President Trump’s mental health, are now warning of signs that he could spontaneously combust, due to the heat caused by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation report.

The warnings come after a couple people reportedly tried lighting themselves on fire in view of the White House in recent weeks. Doctors wearliy cautioned that this is “too extreme an action to take because you may disagree with your elected leader.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Willie Orwonte, a forensic scientist who has extensively studied dozens of instances where spontaneous combustion at hospitals have been reported, issued a special statement advising “this could be an omen of what is to come in the very near future.” He continued, “it appears this guy is said to be hot as Hades over the report and could lead to serious and unintended danger.”

One investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that “Mueller’s stunt may have just been another scare tactic; however it could develop into a case of the moth flying too close to the flame out of morbid curiosity.”

Due to calls for impeachment, special precau tion ary mea sures have been en acted.

Housekeeping aides assigned to the President, specifically the Presidential Chef, have been warned to look for signs. Later, the Chef said, “If he can’t stand the heat, he must stay out of my kitchen.”

Those who are scheduled to meet with the President in the immediate future have been advised to wear fireproof clothing. In addition, f i r e t r ucks have been as si gned t o round-the-clock surveillance of the President, especially during news briefings.

Reported by P. Beckert.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Principal accused of plagiarizing Ashton Kutcher speech at graduation suspended Would have got away with, too, if at the end he did n’t tell them they’d been ‘Punk’d.’

John Dean is testifying before Congress I can’t wait to hear what Johnny Carson says about it tonight on the ‘Tonight Show.’

Sarah Sanders is stepping down as Press Secretary I’ll believe it when she denies it.

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Scientists: Impeachment Could Cause President to Spontaneously Combust

Ripping the Headlines Today

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Headline News Section

Border Patrol seizes aircraft loaded with meth, fentanyl after it flies into U.S. from Mexico Damn, we don’t need to build a wall, we need a roof.

Trump said he wasn’t a fan of the Vietnam War Who can blame him? Apparently, it causes bone spurs.

Four Democrats running for nomination polling in double digits Six if you count Bernie and Biden.

Kavanaugh defender Amy Chua’s daughter gets Supreme Court job with Kavanaugh No word on which of Lori Loughlin’s kids she’s replacing.

Judy Garland was born today in 1922 … or as it’s known year 1 JG on the gay calendar.

‘Whitey’ Bulger wrote letters praising Trump to a juror who convicted him Well, what do expect from a guy known as ‘Whitey?!’

Happy 33rd Birthday, Ashley Olsen 66th if you in clude Mary-Kate.

Trump admin tells U.S. embassies they can’t fly pride flag on flagpoles … although, no word on if they can serve Rainbow Trout.

‘A Star Is Born’ might’ve played a bigger role in Bradley Cooper’s breakup than we thought Damn, that’s so ‘Shallow!’

A man in Florida arrested for shooting at his Amazon Alexa In fairness, that Alexa can be a real bitch sometimes…

Half of Americans have used swimming pools as an alternative to showering, study finds – USA TODAY While 100% of Americans have you used them to, uh… oh, you know, don’t look away!

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

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July, 2019

The 100-Year War Women are used to being told “no”...

but nevertheless have persisted.

Now they’re forced to re-fight a battle they thought they’d won...

The oppressors are not only wrong...

they are illogical.

It’s all gone way too far...

July, 2019

all because some men think they know better.

and the obvious hypocrisy is not lost on women.

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Russia, If You’re Still Listening Mueller made it as cryptically plain as he could...

but somehow his point was missed..

Trump figured the best thing to do was nothing...

and tried to convince Dems to give it up.

Only one thing matters, say Republicans... and we should all just move on.

Because the president has work to do... and important people to meet.

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July, 2019

The Enablers Trump’s main enablers are the Senate Republicans...

who stand ready to serve no matter what.

instead, opting to be good little sycophants.

Most are afraid to speak up...

and so is their leadership.

But the Republican voter base is aging...

but he feels fine.

It may be the end of the world as The Turtle knows it...

July, 2019

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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July, 2019

July, 2019

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The Hightower Lowdown

Parting Shots: Economy Students are entering the workforce buried in debt...

and qualified women are undervalued.

Mega-corporations seem to rule the world...

How to Arm Nature Against Corporate Profiteers There’s a hunters’ nightmare in which a group of them flush some rabbits out of the brush, but rather than scampering away, the furry bunnies turn toward their stalkers. “Run!” shouts one of the hunters. “Run for your lives!

The rabbits have guns!”

Arming animals would make the sport of hunting a bit more sporting, wouldn’t it? Well, what if we did give all wildlife a fighting chance against the destructive firepower of profiteers who so carelessly ravage their habitats and kill them off? Of course, we can’t arm nature with guns, but we could recognize that other species and ecosystems are living creatures with intrinsic legal rights to exist and flourish, thus giving nature its day in court to defend its well-being.

Like us humans, the lakes, forests, wildlife, etc. could have legal status to sue and be represented by lawyers to protect themselves from mindless exploitation, injury and death. This Rights of Nature concept is already being applied in such countries as Ecuador and New Zealand, and more than three dozen U.S. cities and towns have passed grassroots ordinances acknowledging that various natural resources in their areas have inherent rights to take polluters and other despoilers to court.

Ironically, the corporate powers — who have perverted law, logic and nature to have their lifeless profiteering entities declared “persons” — are aghast that Mother Nature not only has rights but those rights can be legally and morally superior to the claim that a corporation’s right to profit is absolute.

At its core, the Rights of Nature movement is asserting the obvious: Earth’s biosphere is not a free candy store for our taking. Water, land, air and fellow creatures are not our property. We are one with the natural world and must find ways to cooperate fully with its health for our own survival. The Community Environmental Legal Defense Fund is working to help ordinary people bring the Rights of Nature laws into their communities. We cannot count on our so-called leaders in Washington to save our natural resources from cor po rate prof i teers. We the People must take a stand.

The real site of America’s founding was not in such stately venues as Independence Hall but in America’s countless taverns, pubs and saloons of the late 1700s. Free-flowing spirits, mixed with the spirit of rebellion, generated big

JIM HIGHTOWER ideas and passionate, often rowdy arguments about democratic rights.

Indeed, “pub democracy” remains one of the last and best sources for generating (and plotting) anti-establishment movements. No surprise, then, that the Lake Erie Bill of Rights was conceived a few years ago by a hardy group of rebels quaffing beers in a Toledo, Ohio, pub. In 2014, residents of this city on the edge of Lake Erie were sickened by a toxic algae bloom that poisoned their drinking water. State officials were in the pocket of polluters who caused the bloom, so they did nothing to protect the lake and community from more poisoning.

Well, thought the pub party, what if Lake Erie could protect itself by establishing its own legal right to “exist, flourish, and naturally evolve?” From that fertile thought, the group drafted the lake’s bill of rights as a proposed amendment to the city’s charter. They defied local naysayers by getting double the number of signatures required to put the bill of rights on the ballot, beat back the power structure’s legal ploy to deny a vote on the proposal and mounted a door-to-door people’s campaign to counter a media blitz partially funded by such giants as Coca-Cola, FedEx and PhRMA. And they won!

In the February election, 61% of Toledo’s voters said YES to recognizing legally enforceable rights for the natural world.

Supercilious corporate elites, however, refuse to let such a trifling matter as the will of the people interfere with their sense of entitlement to poison for profit. So they’ve now gotten top Ohio officials to shill for them in a court filing asserting that the state is the “proprietor in trust” of Lake Erie. Thus, they claim that local voters (i.e., Toledo’s people) have no power to deny so-called corporate “persons” permission to pollute real, live, breathing people’s water.

Of course, the democracy rebels are not about to back down from these nefarious corporate profiteers. Keep up with them at Toledoans for Safe Water, www.LakeErieAction.org.

and need to be reined in.

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July, 2019

July, 2019

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2011