Humor Times, August 2019

“Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can think of no milder term to apply to... the general prey of the rich on the poor.” – Thomas Jefferson

Issue #328

August, 2019

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Editor’s Letter

The Big One

Finally – for real this time – Donald Trump has gone too far. Right? Well… we’ve been saying that since his first speech after riding down his golden escalator and pronouncing Mexican immigrants as “drug dealers, criminals and rapists.” But, no, according to his supporters, “He’s just being Donald!” Yes, lovable ol’ shoot-from-the-hip Donald! They love him because he doesn’t talk like a politician, and… he delivers!

What, exactly, has he delivered? Well, they do hang those banners all over his rallies, saying “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” so he must be delivering the goods, right?

Well, he delivered tax cuts! Right? No matter that they almost all went to the very richest among us, and that the few crumbs designated for the rest of us are set to expire soon, while the huge bundles of cash diverted from our treasury for the rich never expire! Who needs all the things that money could have paid for? Roads, bridges, education, etc – no, we must make our rich overlords happy! And screw the deficit – isn’t that what Republicans always say?

What else has he delivered? That stupid wall of his that wouldn’t do any good anyway? No. Jobs? No. (Trumpers will object, but the fact is the economy is on the same trajectory it’s been on since Obama’s second term began, there’s been no real change, other than that Trump’s tariffs are starting to destroy any gains we did make.) Better deals with China? No. North Korean nuclear disarmament? No way – in fact, the great “deal maker” has only given his “lover” Kim Jong-un everything he wants, get2019 SUMMER SEASON ting exactly nothing in return.

FREE SHOWS IN THE PARK! Oh, yeah, he did deliver one thing. Okay, two things: Supreme Court picks. Yup, apparIn the Sacramento area, ently, the trade-off is worth it – to his base and 6:30 Music, 7:00 shows: to the now utterly soulless Republican Party.

Other than that, the Trump administration Tuesday August 13: has only worsened our standing in the world Richard Brunelle Performance and created deeper divisions at home.

Hall at Davis High School So, have his clearly racist rants gone too far Wednesday August 14: this time? Not according to his cultish base. But Southside Park, Sacramento at least – finally – nearly everyone with a conscience is actually calling it out for what it’s alFriday August 16: ways been: racism. That, I suppose, is a step in Pioneer Park, Nevada City the right direction.

Everyone’s worried...

that nature will bite back.

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But apparently some are not worried enough...

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August, 2019

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Going Back (to a Racist Comfort Zone) Trump said screw the dog-whistle...

and let out the fog horn.

He knows plenty of “fine people” are with him...

so he’s being very “presidential.”

and the backlash is exposing him for what he is.

But it’s not exactly a good look...

but, he says, he knows what he likes. (continued)

He just keeps digging himself in deeper...

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August, 2019

The Enablers Meanwhile, Trump’s past is catching up with him...

The GOP is taking a principled stand...

and still feel their chosen one will grow into the job.

and so is the present.

August, 2019

He remains comfortable in the job, though...

Anything coming from the House is DOA...

as long as it pays.

which is all part of their unique governing style.

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Democrats You’d Have a _____ With Back in 2000, the presidential election was tight and much attention was focused on who better related to the public. Al Gore was viewed as an automaton, the product of reverse taxidermy who had to be hosed down every spring with Thompson’s Water Sealant. He needed a strobe light at press conferences just to give the appearance of movement.

George W. Bush, on the other hand, was a good ol’ boy Texan. “Someone you could have a beer with.” Of course, the whole nation remained on alert in case we had to take away the car keys.

Ever since, likability has played a pivotal election role. Except in 2016, when the two candidates were as beloved as wounded coyotes fighting over a dead rabbit in a broom closet.

If you had to pick one of the 20 debate-qualified Democratic candidates to have a beer with, you could do worse than John Hickenlooper, who helped found the Wynkoop Brewing Company before stints as Denver mayor and Colorado governor. A man who knows his India Pale Ales and Summer Wheats from his 3.2 percent Utah dishwater.

Beer expertise might not be a prime arrow in the other candidates’ quivers, but they all sport individual characteristics that could endear themselves to certain distinct demographics. Some more targeted than others. For instance: • The best guy to sit on a porch in matching rocking chairs to wax poetic about the bad old days; Joe Biden.

• Anybody interested in arguing the merits of Texas vs. Iowa barbecue should report directly to Beto O’Rourke.

• If you want someone to belt out a couple of choruses of The Internationale with: Bernie Sanders is your man.

• Planting a garden of sustainable Swiss chard mulched with leaves and pine straw? Talk to Jay Inslee.

• Looking for someone to peer review new regulations for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau — see Elizabeth Warren.

• If you need to dust the top of a really tall bookcase, give Bill DeBlasio a call.

• Curious as to how “Minnesota Nice” differs from “Minnesota Get Things Done,” sidle up to Amy Klobuchar.

• You want the real skinny on Marcia Clark, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Willie Brown, you need to talk to Kamala Harris.

• Rate the skits in The Best of Al Franken on Saturday Night Live DVD with Kirsten Gillibrand.

• Hankering to sing some Broadway musical karaoke with a Naval Intelligence officer, check out Mayor Pete Buttigieg.

• Talk smack about the Ala-

WILL DURST

bama Crimson Tide football program with Ohio State Buckeye alumni, Tim Ryan.

• Looking for someone who knows someone who might could possibly get you backstage at a Bruce Springsteen concert, how about Cory Booker?

• Get down and dirty as to how you’ll spend your guaranteed $1,000 a month mostly on gum and candy with Andrew Yang.

• Trade loco moco recipes with Tulsi Gabbard.

• Discover which of the TV pundit shows has the best snacks in the green room by talking to Michael Bennet.

• Discuss the ins and outs of playing The Parent Trap for real with Julian Castro.

• For an extremely accurate but sympathetic tarot reading, Marianne Williamson.

• Argue where Spiro Agnew ranks on the list of most corrupt Maryland politicians with John Delaney.

• Lay odds on who will be the next candidates to follow in his footsteps by quitting the race with Eric Swalwell.

Internet Privacy Internet privacy. Forget about it. It’s another of those oxymorons you hear so much about; like gluten-free dim sum or fully satisfied Game of Thrones fan or Donald Trump’s Modern Guide to Etiquette and Manners. You got a better chance of finding a pod of humpback whales in your office cubicle than online security.

And the greatest threat in this confidentiality crisis is Facebook, the information octopus that disguises its sticky tentacles with cute kitten videos and pictures of grandmas blowing out birthday cake candles while it records your every keystroke. Every “like” of every post. Your favorite porn gif.

The situation has become so alarming, co-founder Chris Hughes called for the company to be broken up. Mark Zuckerberg says no need for that: he’s learned his lesson and promises to be good from now on. And we can trust him, right? Because he’s only lied about every privacy issue that’s ever emerged so far. Ever.

The Mueller Report detailed how Russian trolls used Facebook’s analytical tools to flood America with fraudulent groups and ads for the single purpose of opposing Hillary Clinton. By the time the accounts were deactivated in 2017, 126 million Americans had been exposed to, well, no other way to describe it than… fake news.

Remember when Facebook admitted to manipulating posts to gauge our emotional response then sold the research data? They’re still doing it. We’re just lab rats to them. But even lab rats get some cheese. Hey Facebook, keep your cookies: how about some cheese?

The standard defense for the lack of internet privacy is that we signed on when we signed up, but you’ve seen those user agreements. Nobody reads them. It’s doubtful the people who write them, read them. Lawyers speaking in a language solely understood by other lawyers. And even then, only occasionally.

The agreements are longer than the migratory path of a monarch butterfly and in a font so tiny it would make a flea squint. So we scroll to the bottom and click “accept.” And if we wake up two weeks later in a bathtub full of ice with a scar where our kidney used to be, well, them’s the breaks.

And the internet never forgets. Check out a piece of hardware, then decide you don’t need it. Doesn’t matter, because… boom, there it is. On every website you visit for the next six months. Follows you around like a haunted fungus. Suddenly everybody is having a sale on a festive array of red white and blue plastic bull semen inseminators. Don’t ask.

We got no one to blame but ourselves.

It’s too late to put this genie back in the bottle but there are going to be plenty of other bottles to worry about. Universal facial recognition is right around the corner. Although some of us are lucky enough to have faces no one wants to recognize.

You think its creepy when Facebook tags us in photos we didn’t post; wait till they develop an al gorithm in which we’re the villains in videos where the hero ruling over the Seven Kingdoms bears a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg.

Most importantly, we got to learn not to post anything on social media we don’t want prospective employers or mothers-in-law or IRS agents to know about. Back everything up. With hard copies. Cloud storage if fine, until it rains. And there’s a storm coming.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former usher at the Pix Theater in Waukesha Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal ap pear ances, pl ease vi si t willdurst.com.

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Huddled Masses It’s a story that is ripping at the very fabric of our country..

Our “leaders” have decided it’s A-OK...

explaining that it’s not what it seems.

Trump may be deluded enough to believe that...

but how do so many Americans go along?

It seems our very ideals are being imprisoned...

August, 2019

which we ignore at the peril of our very souls.

talk about “SAD”!

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It’s Dem Dems Things are different this time around...

and “#TimesUp” has taken on a new meaning...

as voters make up their minds.

Old Joe may have thought he could skate to the finish line...

but he’ll need lots of help.

He’s not making it easy, though...

and it’s lonely on top...

8

but he’s sticking to his guns. (continued)

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August, 2019

Super Heroes As Democrats continue to strategize...

Girls everywhere are inspired...

other concerns are causing tensions... to always do the right thing...

and a generational rift has opened up...

and overcome pernicious obstacles.

that is not helping the cause.

Now, about that pay gap!

August, 2019

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Trump Ends Abortion Restrictions, Saying ‘Our Country is Full!’

In a surprise tweet released at 4 am this morn ing, Pres i dent Trump announced an immediate end to all abortion re stric tions, in clud ing con tro ver sial late-term abortions.

“Our country is full,” he declared, “so I must take drastic action to stop further population growth by declaring a national emergency, which gives me the power to rescind ALL laws against abortion. No more overcrowding!!!”

This pronouncement sparked a furious backlash from right-to-life groups, such as the Family Research Council, which issued a press release decrying the President’s decision.

“This goes against everything he promised us on the campaign trail,” FRC spokesperson Tony Perkins stated. “We implore him to reconsider this rash action, and instead put us back on the track to achieve full fetal citizenship rights from the moment a slithering sperm bumps up against a fertile egg… if not sooner!”

The panel at Fox & Friends fell right in line. Picking up on the theme of the U.S. being full, they suggested other strategies, including: requiring all girls to have an IUD implanted within 30 days of their 13th birthday; not allowing international planes to land in the U.S. unless simultaneously a plane of equal capacity takes off for a foreign destination; and revoking all H-1B visas (exempting Trump properties, of course).

Democrats have been silent since the announcement, torn between opposing anything Trump proposes, and taking bows for achieving a major policy goal.

Nancy Pelosi has promised a response just as soon as she finishes figuring out how she can have her cake and eat it too.

Reported by Rick Blum.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Exclusive: Original ‘Salute to America’ Speech Uncovered In President Trump’s July 4th “Salute to Amer ica” speech, he said that “our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports... [and] had noth ing but victory.”

As bad a s it sounds, it could have been worse. Here is part of the ini tial draft leaked from the newly created Ministry of Truth: “The Amer i can Revolution, which nobody knows more about than me, started because wacky King George III kept taxing everything. I think he was a Democrat. The British invaded, and Paul Revere had tried to warn the Colonists, but he was captured.

I prefer heroes that weren’t captured.

“The British surprised us by attacking Pearl Harbor and the Alamo. Then in 1777 General Washington marched his small army to Valley Forge. It was a painful march as many of his men were suffering from bone spurs following the Bataan Death March.

“The British were also winning on the high seas having sunk the American frigates Titanic and Lusitania.

“Of course, as all American school children know, the Continental army eventually won the war when General Washington and General Grant sur rounded the stone cold loser Cornwallis. General Cornwallis later surre n d ere d t o t he Americans at Appomattox Court House before the patriots got tired of winning.

“So today, on the Fourth of July, it is altogether right and just that we salute the great heroes of the American Revolution including George Washington, Patrick Henry, Johnny Tremain, Yan kee Doo dle Dandy, Cap tain Goodwin and Benedict Arnold to name just a few. By the way, in the case of General Arnold, there was no collusion. A lot of people say that was just fake news.

“By the way, today I have great respect for the British. I have many British friends. They live in my buildings all over the place.”

So there you have it. Trump’s Salute to America was full of historical errors but it could have been worse… far worse.

Reported by John C. Wade.

Trump Pens ‘Greatest Ever’ New History Book President Trump is planning to issue an Executive Order making a new book he wrote mandatory in schools across the nation. In a leaked copy, these previously unknown historical facts were revealed: • Emma Lazarus wrote the inscription for the Statue of Liberty right after Christ rose her from the dead.

• Samuel Morse sent the first message on the internet.

• Eli Whitney invented the first cocktail; it was called the Cotton Gin. • Harriet Tubman drove the first subway train.

• Abraham Lincoln was so thin because of the Emaciation Proclamation.

• The colonists bought the island of Manhattan from the Indians for some costume jewelry. The trade was called the Manhattan Project.

• Cotton was the main crop in the South. It was

used to make sheets.

• In the Gettysburg Address, Lincoln said the Civil War had a score of 4 to 7.

• Lewis and Clark were a comedy team who invented the first chocolate bar.

• Secretary of State William Seward invented the icebox while ice fishing in Alaska.

• The Pillsbury Doughboy was the mascot for the American troops during World War I. • The Monroe Doctrine was the contract Marilyn Monroe signed with 20th Century Fox. • In 1947, the precedent for imprisoning illegal aliens was set in Roswell, New Mexico.

• In 2016, Donald Trump, the most popular President in American History, was elected by an overwhelming majority.

Reported by Diane de Anda.

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WASHINGTON DC – President’s Trump’s heels have been de clared to be “en tirely bone-spur free” by a panel of podiatrists, following a “hands-on-feet” pray-in conducted by evangelical faith healers.

The President agreed to the examination after critics claimed his bone spurs did not in fact exist, and were only an excuse to secure his military deferment during the Vietnam War. He hotly denies this, but insisted that the exam take place only after a group of Christian faith healers had prayed and caressed his “tootsies,” in a ram’s-horn exorcism ritual known as the “Toe Jam.”

Immediately after the ceremony the podiatrists declared Mr Trump’s feet to be healthy and normal.

“It’s a miracle, praise the Lord!” wept Rev. Jim Bakker, pausing a moment from selling his $45 Trump Serenity Coins and I’d Rather Be a Nazi Than a Democrat T-shirts.

“Before the Toe Jam,” Bakker noted, “Mr Trump heroically endured years of bone-spur agony, preventing him from rushing in to save kids in Vietnam, barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms, and severely handicapping his golf game. Now it’s likely he’ll live for 200 years and easily win the U.S. Open.”

According to Dr Mary Footlick, a bone-spur specialist (or “Boner,” as they are known), the sudden disappearance of Trump’s “Haglund’s Deformity” is without medical precedence.

“The fact that we could find no sign of any bone spurs, clearly confirms some kind of miraculous intervention.”

Mr Trump has also volunteered to undergo examination by a panel of podiatric Race Experts (or “Racists”) to establish whether there is a racist bone in his body.

According to Dr Footlick, it could be located in his Achilles Heel.

Reported by Michael Egan.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Trump walks back White House invite to U.S.A Women’s World Cup champs He prob a bly thinks there’s a younger, hotter Eastern European Soccer Team out there to leave them for.

Wasps are forming massive ‘super nests’ … or, as the rest of us call it ‘Connecticut.’

New weed study suggests brain’s individual sensitivity to THC What was it the brain was sensitive to, again?

Queen Elizabeth passed down to Kate Middleton a gift she’s kept for almost 70 years Although, what Kate’s going to do with Prince Philip is anyone’s guess.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

Trump’s Bone-Spurs ‘Miraculously Disappear’ After ‘Laying-on-of-Hands’ Exorcism by Faith Healer

Ripping the Headlines Today

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Headline News Section

Trump buddy Jeffrey Epstein indicted for sex trafficking minors Trump’s gotta be worried Epstein’s going to throw him under the school bus.

Acosta resigns in wake of Epstein plea deal I’m betting Roy Moore Jr.’s gotta be hoping Acosta’s next job is as a Mall Cop! Sean Hannity vows to stump for Trump on 2020 campaign trail When they appear together it’ll be known as ‘Hannity and Combover.’

Fake Marriage? Melania Trump reportedly living a ‘separate life’ Look for KellyAnne Conway to defend it as an ‘al ter na tive marriage.’

Ancient DNA sheds light on the origins of the Biblical Philistines – Archaeology News So, looks like Larry King’s re sults came back from ‘23 and Me.’ Original ‘Little Mermaid’ actress defends Halle Bailey against racist casting backlash I can’t be only one who, at first, thought people were mad because Halle Berry was too old to play Ariel.

Happy 77th Birthday, Harrison Ford.

Look for the tail light blinker on the Millennium Falcon to stay on throughout the next ‘Star Wars’ installment.

Break Dancing, skateboarding, sport climbing and surfing have been provisionally included on the sports program of the 2024 Olympics New Rule, anything that can be a TV show followed by “With the Stars” just isn’t a sport.

“Tens of thousands” of fish dying from whiskey runoff caused by Jim Beam warehouse fire … damn, that’s a lot of fried fish.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

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August, 2019

Well-Connected Pedophile Finally, something we can all agree on.

Epstein argues that he’s already paid the price...

thanks to big help from friends in high places.

We shouldn’t assume the worst, they say...

But the time has come to pay for his deal with the devil...

and at first, the media obliged.

or where the case could lead. and who knows what “party pals” may be involved...

August, 2019

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Meet the New Campaign, Same as the Old Campaign Trump didn’t need to re-brand...

to recapture the old magic.

He just needed to update his old hits...

and ignore the criticism.

and he knows how to sell it.

Thinking outside the box has always worked for him...

one that just can’t fail.

Besides, he has a plan up his sleeve...

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August, 2019

Apprentice

Supreme Negligence

Mueller is finally set to testify...

The Supreme Court said we’re on our own...

because they never take sides.

but Trump doesn’t play by the rules.

This ain’t no Bush v Gore, they said...

He learns from the best...

and they have his back.

August, 2019

and rigging is an American tradition.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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The Hightower Lowdown

Parting Shots: War Zone

Farm Country Devastation is Biting Us All on the Butt

Nothing can be done now, says the prez...

A massive depression has been building for years across our vast rural expanse of farm country, but don’t feel alone if you didn’t know, for most of our media and political establishments have failed to notice, much less inform the general public. In America’s power centers, farming is almost entirely ignored as something arcane and “out there” — and out of mind. In 1960, John F. Kennedy lightly summed up this attitude: “I don’t want to hear about agriculture from anyone but you,” the urbane president reputedly told Orville Freeman when appointing him Agriculture head. “Come to think of it, I don’t want to hear about it from you, either.”

But hear about it we must, and do something we must. Today’s crisis promises not only to devastate our country’s rural economy and culture but also to enter our kitchens and bite us on the butt. Today’s catastrophe is far more desperate than outsiders know — and is caused by anothe r pe r fe c t s torm of co r p o r at e monopolization, financial manipulation and rigged ag policies. How severe is the storm?

Start with one eye-popping indicator: The 2018 median farm income for U.S. farm households was minus $1,553! (“Net farm income” is the money left over after a farm family subtracts the cost of producing their crops from the amount they get paid for them.) You can’t pay for groceries, rent, medical bills, kids’ clothing, a trip to Disneyland, etc. on negative income. And $1,553 in debt is the “median,” meaning that half of America’s farm families went even deeper into the hole.

Such hardship is not a one-time blip. For six straight years, more than half of America’s ag producers have lost money on their crops and herds, and this year promises more of the same.

Thus, to keep the farm afloat and make ends meet, farmers commonly work a part-time side job and have a spouse who commutes to a full-time city job. With typical dark humor, they refer to these off-farm jobs as the cost of supporting their “farming habit.” Indeed, today’s ag economy is so bleak that about 70% of the total income of U.S. farm families comes from their “secondary jobs.”

Are these farmers inept, outmoded, lazy? Au contraire, as we say in Texas: They’re industrious, efficient, productive, innovative … and broke. Indeed, the most worrisome thing for our

but to let his “best people” do their thing.

JIM HIGHTOWER society is that the operations being eliminated are the mid-sized family farms — the essential backbone of both an economically healthy food system and vibrant rural communities.

But if they’re good farmers, why are they going broke? Because corporate middlemen, commodity speculators and government policy have intentionally perverted the structure of the U.S. ag economy to leave producers with practically no say over the price of their cotton, wheat, milk, chickens, etc. Pious right-wing ideology aside, farmers don’t become financial “winners” just by working hard and smart, outfoxing the pests, lucking out on the weather and producing an abundant, top-quality harvest. When they take their crops to market, even blue-ribbon producers face a take-it-or-leave-it price set by profiteering players they never see.

For the past sev eral years, prices have crashed. Dairy farmers, for example, are in the fourth consecutive year of incomes below their production costs: In 2018, they got $1.35 for a gallon of milk that cost them $1.90 to produce.

This fi nan cial bomb has been ex plod ing throughout dairy farm country. From 2007 to today, the number of American dairy farms dwindled from 70,000 to only 40,000, and most of them are imperiled. For example, last year in Wisconsin, where milk and cheese have long been economic and cultural mainstays, dairy farms shut down at the rate of nearly two a day.

And it’s not just our nation’s dairy farmers that are hurting. Small farmers and ranchers across the country are facing demise of their livelihoods. Fortunately, there are groups across the country fighting for family farms. The National Farmers Union — serving family farmers and ranchers — recently released its detailed recommendations for much-needed farm policy reforms. Farm Aid has a hotline for farmers in crisis: 800-FARM-AID. And People’s Action has started a rural strategy to help family farmers.

We’re now on a nuclear hair-trigger...

with only the “stable genius” between us and annihilation.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

“Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can think of no milder term to apply to... the general prey of the rich on the poor.” – Thomas Jefferson

Issue #328

August, 2019

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Mere l $2.9 y 8

Formerly the ‘Comic Press News’

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Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.

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