Humor Times, Sept 2019

“Beauty was not simply something to behold; it was something one could do.” – Toni Morrison, novelist, passed away in August at the age of 88

Issue #329

September, 2019

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Editor’s Letter It seems that the Republican Party always goes too far once they attain power, out of arrogance. Their actions seem bad at the time (and they are), but in a way, it ends up being a good thing. Woe to our democracy if they ever get smart enough to be more subtle and stop overreaching – which eventually backfires, driving people away.

This time it’s their chosen, so-called “leader” that is fueling their extremism. They are so subservient to him that they can’t find the backbone to criticize anything he says or does – no matter how destructive. There are endless reports that say, privately, Republicans in Congress are very concerned. But publicly, they continue to support this ugly tumor on our body politic, out of fear of what Trump’s infamous “base” will do to them should they dare to speak their minds.

Well, real leaders don’t follow opinion polls, they shape public opinion – by educating their constituents when necessary. If Republican Senators and Congressmen started pointing out the many, sickening ways the White House resident is damaging our country and our world, many of his followers would begin to wake up. Right now, they figure everything must be just fine, since their party is so “unified.” Those crazy Dems must just be making stuff up, they think, when they complain about their dear leader and start considering things like impeachment.

By the same token, Democrats need to realize that leadership means being courageous enough to take a bold stand. Pundits and corporate talking heads be damned: they will always urge conservative “centrism” (read: the radicalism of do-nothing policy) and shunting any hint of progressive action. But these dangerous times require courage. While I think we do have a high-quality crop of presidential contenders this time around, only a few candidates really recognize this.

Democrats are actually quite fortunate right now, in that they really don’t need to go against public opinion to be bold – they just need to stand up to the pundits and corporate debate “moderators.” Because poll after poll show their views are not radical, they are mainstream. Medicare for All, for example, is extremely popular, consistently polling with a 70% majority approval – (as long as it’s not misrepresented). The same with sensible gun control measures and even the tenets of the Green New Deal – if not the much-maligned title itself.

The time for tentative centrism is over. The right is being radical, in the exact wrong direction. The left needs to be courageous about what needs to be done, and fight for it.

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September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

3

Rat Infested Trump grew obsessed with his “infestation� theme...

causing many to grow quite concerned...

and that the infestation was growing.

that his Twitter feed had become weaponized...

His followers have drunk the Kool-Aid... but his complaints ring hollow.

Who, exactly, is this enemy he keeps invoking?

And what is the price of such bigotry? (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

Later, the prez read some words off the teleprompter...

but it didn’t change his mind.

He threatens lawsuits when anyone pushes back...

and continues to divide the nation.

It’s obvious his heart isn’t into those forced speeches... and actions speak louder than words.

He’s had a long history of racism... and there’s really only one solution.

September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

5

Soft Tissue Racist What a long hot lousy stinking summer. We’ve spent so much time sending thoughts and prayers to Gilroy and El Paso and Chicago and Virginia Beach and Dayton and even Toledo, there’s hardly been time for ice cream and barbecues and theme parks. Who can relax with everybody so focused on being Strong?

Fireworks are out of the question as the horrific spate of mass shootings has the entire country recoiling from any and/ or all loud noises, and yes, that includes the strident denials by the president that his vitriolic rhetoric has anything to do with riling up the racist element often referred to as his base. We’re not saying all Donald Trump supporters are lethally ignorant racists, just that most lethally ignorant racists are Donald Trump supporters.

In response he said, “I don’t think my rhetoric is racist at all. As a matter of fact, I think my rhetoric brings people together.” And it has proven to be effective in bringing white supremacists together with immigrant victims.

Under intense pressure from vulnerable GOP congressional candidates, Trump did manage to mumble something about racism being bad. Of course, his words might have been easier to understand if he had taken off the hood.

45 went on to blame video games, the internet, mental illness and all sorts of things, somehow neglecting to mention the word “guns” at all, while claiming the only true answer to this disturbing spray of terror is his desperately needed immigration reform. Yep. Everything is always all about the wall. Except Mexico paying for it.

Although blaming mental illness, Trump also failed to mention it was he who got rid of Obama’s regulation that kept people who received Social Security checks for mental illnesses and deemed unfit to handle their financial affairs from buying guns. Probably just slipped his mind. That’s one slippery mind.

Also interesting to note; many people hearing Donald Trump accuse hatred and mental illness for being responsible for the madness pointed out to their televisions in varying degrees of intensity, “you, that’s you, you’re talking about you.”

What nobody mentions about this 2nd Amendment brouhaha, it’s not the guns so much as the bullets that are the real problem. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. They are the things that put the holes in the body making the blood leak out way too quick.

Trump declared he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, so the general consensus is — he must be a soft tissue racist. And that’s a lot of soft tissue. Can’t wait for the upcoming announcement by

the president that there is no WILL DURST room in his administration for racists because all the slots have been filled by his family.

He expressed confidence he could work out a deal with Con gress on “mean ing ful background checks,” but Moscow Mitch McConnell has gone Full Turtle pulling his head into his shell and refusing to encourage or discourage any optimism. Which is his way.

Suspicions run rampant they’re both counting on the 116th Congress returning from recess on the Monday after Labor Day and being distracted by the umpteen other catastrophes, calamities and cataclysms that will surely arise before their arrival, once again making this issue as dated as the fashions worn by trustees at the Asylum of Charenton. Which in 1814 played a role similar to…

Congress.

The Best Words Nobody knows what the earliest word used by humans was. The general consensus is the Sumerians developed the first written language around 3500 BC, using wedge-shaped symbols called cuneiform. Scholars hypothesize that the first word was either “ouch” or “me,” although “pie” had to have been up there since the shapes surely reminded the Sumerians of it.

For the last 5500 years humans have spent our lifetimes searching for the best words to communicate. Because the precise word can make the difference between understanding and confusing people to the point of banging their heads against metal railings until blood drips out their ears. It doesn’t help that individual words can have many definitions; such as the word “gross” which can mean… icky, large, 144 or the thought of Mitch McConnell naked.

President Donald Trump claims he knows the best words, though while he keeps saying he’s got them, curiously, we never get to see or hear them. 45 obviously realizes how precious they are and keeps them locked up in order not to waste them. Along with his best people.

The Democrats think they have some pretty good words too and trotted out some superlative ones in the debates last week. As we have learned, those words can be inspirational, aspirational, confrontational, nondenominational or generational but are definitely not necessarily connected to reality. And as predictable as finding blueberry muffins the size of aspirins at a breakfast buffet.

Writers strain mightily to use not just good words, but the very best possible ones and most books are just different rearrangements of those words. All 20 of the democratic candidates apparently read the same book be cause they squawked out the same ex act things be hav ing not un like well-groomed parrots.

Each and every one of them is pro-good and anti-bad. On the side of the angels, not the demons.

The cops. Not the crim i nals.

Look ing to go to heaven, not North Korea. They unanimously stand against cancer, love families and puppies and think we should plan to start at the beginning.

Education? Yes, indeed. You bet. They’re big fans. Corruption?

Nope. Not in favor one bit. And on that you can quote them. The future? That, my friends, is yet to come. And something we must all work towards. Together. Because working together is the only sure path to tomorrow.

Health care is good, but only good health care, not bad health care or insufficient or poorly administered health care. Let’s face it, bad health care is not good.

Universal health care can be good or bad. So they want the good kind.

They hate hypocrites and rever e t he c l ergy. And t hei r thoughts and prayers are with us and El Paso and Dayton and everywhere else that needs to be Strong. And we need to get rid of the guns. Okay, just the bad guns.

What? Wait. Oh, sorry, never mind, erase that.

And we’re definitely going to need more free stuff, like tuition and child- care and a guaranteed income. But we also should have a strong defense and border security and a powerhouse economy and clean air and water. You know what this country needs: more good stuff. And less bad stuff. So let’s get to it, shall we? How? By working together. And then we can have pie.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former usher at the Pix Theater in Waukesha Wis con sin. For past col umns, commentaries and a calendar of per sonal ap pear ances, please visit willdurst.com.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

A Lot Left Hanging Many dark secrets were buried with Jeffrey Epstein...

and many powerful people are breathing easier.

Multitudes are left seeking justice...

but a few will celebrate.

Now that he’s gone...

what will happen?

Conspiracy theories abound, of course...

September, 2019

but stubborn facts remain.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Dem Dems They fired their big guns...

but as usual, the “movie” didn’t match the hype.

Their plan barely got off the ground...

but there’s still hope.

After throwing everything they could at Trump...

it was time to patch things up...

and get back to the business...

8

of finding the right candidate. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

Election Infection Republican Majority Leader McConnell has priorities...

Unfortunately, Biden is a real gaffe machine...

so much so that one wonders who he’s helping. that don’t match up with securing our elections.

The party has a generational challenge...

He’s euthanizing our protection...

and their message often doesn’t reach beyond their base.

and leaving the door wide open.

September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Senator McConnell Falls, Breaks Flipper Senate Republicans expressed concern today after Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at home, breaking his flipper.

“It was horrible,” an aide explained, “we gave him the run of the house over the weekend, and he took a tumble and broke his front flipper. When we came back Monday, we looked for him everywhere, and finally found him. He had wandered off, and got stuck behind the stove. The poor dear was so miserable looking. We took him to the hospital, and they set the flipper and gave him fluids to rehydrate.”

“When I think about what could have happened to our precious man-turtle, I could just…” The aide paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “Well, he’s at home now recuperating. We’ve got him in a shal low pool un til he re gains his strength. With one damaged flipper he can only swim around in clockwise circles, but that’s pretty normal because he naturally seems to want to turn to the right.”

Senator McConnell vowed to work from home, and is sued the following statement: “The vital work of the Senate must continue. I can block legislation just as well from home as I can in Washington D.C.” Senator McConnell has asked well-wishers not to send cards, but if they could send leafy greens, worms, and live flies (wings removed please), it would be much appreciated.

Reported by Dennis Wobber.

Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming!

The Surgeon General today warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting weaker stomachs.”

“Be careful, America,” the official said.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Trump Proposes Arming Guns So They Can Defend L’état, C’est Qui? Kim Darroch, the British ambassador to the Themselves Against Being Used In Killing Sprees United States, has resigned over his leaked negWASHINGTON, DC – 30 people died in America’s most recent mass shootings in Texas and Ohio. Naturally, this has once more turned public attention to what politicians can do to prevent such disasters in future. Today, it was Donald Trump’s turn to present his solution: the President proposes arming all guns so they are able to de fend themselves from being used by mentally ill shooters.

“Guns are the real v i c t i m s of k i l l i n g sprees,” explained President Trump in a speech to traumatized survivors and relatives, “they are usually completely help less to resist these shooters who force them to kill people.”

The only way to nip a killing spree in the bud, therefore, is to arm the guns. “Those guns can intervene and prevent the situation from escalating. And they can do that faster than any armed security guard or policeman. They are there on the scene really from the first shot.” A smug grin crept across Trump’s face as he reached his next point: “Just imagine, the look

on this guy’s, this shooter’s, face when his own gun opens fire on him!”

Shares in several arms manufacturers skyrocketed in the hours following the President’s speech. No wonder – requiring every gun to be armed with a fur ther gun could double sales.

Then there is the soft ware which the arms manufacturers are cur rently de vel op ing.

This would allow a gun to recognize when it is being used in a killing spree and to know when to fire upon its owner.

The NRA gun lobby welcomed the President’s plans. A press release stated: “We support President Trump’s proposal – not least because we told him to propose it.”

Im me di ately fol low ing the NRA announcement, Republicans and some Democrats confirmed that they would support a bill requiring guns to be armed in this way. In addition, the Second Amendment is to be amended to include “the right of arms to bear arms.”

Reported by The-Postillon.com.

Trump Secretly Makes Plans for Sainthood A theologian secretly hired by Trump exposed a bizarre plan of President Trump’s to assure that he is ad mired and praised long after he is gone, by attaining saint hood.

He opted to r e m a i n anonymous, citing the recent mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein. Below is an interview transcript.

Reporter: Why did Trump hire a theologian?

Theologian: Well, the President was very dissatisfied when he found it was not likely he would win the Nobel Peace Prize. He wanted something that would offer a long-lasting legacy, so he decided he should be canonized. He even planned to launder some money for a secret fund to build a Donald Trump Cathedral next to Mar-a-Lago.

Reporter: Wow! But how do you fit in?

Theologian: Someone mentioned that given

his life history, it was impossible that he would be considered for sainthood. Trump said he had heard about a guy named Augustine who was bad, but became a really important saint.

Reporter: Yeah, but St. Augustine confessed his sins and repented, then led a holy life. That doesn’t sound like Trump.

Theologian: My job was to research and come up with all there was to know about St. Augustine. I really thought he was trying to turn himself around. But when I finished, he told me he wanted me to create a document about himself like St. Augustine’s, which he would put in his safe until after his death. At that point I quit.

Reporter: So, did that end the project?

Theologist: Oh no, he hired a doctoral history student, promising to pay his student debt.

Reporter: But you need more to be a saint.

Theologist: Right, you have to perform a few mir a cles, so he’s al ready ar ranged for out-of-work actors to fake illnesses he can heal.

Reporter: Does he think he can pull this off?

Theologian: He must; he already has an artist drafting designs for statues of St. Trump.

Reported by Diane de Anda.

Trump Fails to Assemble Cabinet Correctly WASHINGTON – Earlier today, President Trump took some time off from politics and went to help assemble a kitchen cabinet set.

Trump confessed he wanted to do the project to “unwind,” but after fifteen minutes it was clear he had failed to assemble the cabinets correctly and had done irreparable damage to them.

“I don’t want to see the instructions. I’m the best cabinet maker ever,” said Trump at the beginning of the project.

After being told by his son Baron he was doing it wrong, Trump replied, “I don’t care what the directions say. Put ’em away.”

Headline News Section

“Kitchen cabinets are being so unfair and I think they were made b y M e x i c a n s.

S a d , ” Tr u mp tweeted later.

President-elect Trump stormed out of the kitchen with Baron just under twenty minutes into the project.

“I’m not paying for these cabinets,” Trump said to the press.

Reported by TheNilAdmirari.com

ative assessment of President Donald Trump and his administration. Mr. Darroch reported in confidence that Trump was inept, incompetent and insecure. Apparently, however, he was not the only one to secretly trash The Donald.

The French ambassador also had a few choice words about Trump including “stupide,” “idiote” and “le plus grand jerk de la mémoire récente.” Luckily for him, either his written appraisal was not leaked or no one in the White House was able to translate it.

The German ambassador reportedly referred to the U. S. Pres i dent as “Dummkopf,” “Fadenkopf,” “Schwachkopf” and a number of other “Kopfs,” none of which appear to be very flattering.

Mexico’s ambassador sent a brief assessment back to Mexico City which, of course, was in Spanish and thus not comprehensible to most folks in Washington. However, reporters did see local politicians with a Latino background like Julian Castro, Marco Rubio and even Ted Cruz reading the report and laughing uproariously.

The Canadian ambassador also took aim at Trump in his confidential assessment but still managed to remain polite. “He’s a bit of a doofus, eh?”, “We’re glad he’s American” and “Sorry but he’s not too bright is he?” were just a few of the Canadian’s observations.

Rumor has it that the President tried to counter all this negativity by resurrecting his fake publicist persona John Miller. Posing as the Australian or possibly Austrian or maybe even Albanian ambassador, Mr. Miller pretended to report back to the folks in Canberra (or maybe Vienna or possibly even Tirana) that Donald Trump is “an extremely stable genius,” has “a very high IQ” and is “so great looking and smart.”

The ambassador from Nambia was contacted by Trump, who was looking for some supportive comments. Since Nambia exists only in Donald Trump’s mind, he was able to double as the Nambian ambassador and praise his own hugeness, whether it was his Inaugural crowd, his electoral victory or his hands.

Reported by David Martin.

Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Liam Hemsworth ‘heartbroken’ Miley Cyrus moved on ‘so quickly & so publicly’ source says It’s like she threw him under a ‘wrecking ball…’

Princess Latifa of Dubai tried to flee the royal family, but got caught and dragged back Gotta say, it’d be worth staying just to one day be Queen Latifa.

Happy 61st, Madonna What do you get the girl’s who’s had everyone?

Rep. Steven King hit for pondering whether civilization would have survived without rape and incest For those confused: author Stephen King writes horror; Rep. Steven King is one.

Florida men keep getting attacked by alligators. scientists have worked out why Uh, they taste like chicken…

John Kerry may or may not have an uncanny resemblance to the Patriots’ logo … That’s just wrong, he looks way more like the logo for the Broncos.

Trump mocks ‘serious weight problem’ of supporter at his rally That’s like Dick Cheney giving someone shit about their aim.

Man dies after competing in a taco eating contest at a Minor League baseball game in Fresno, California, officials say Do not ask for whom the taco bell tolls it tolls for thee…

Tomi Lahren blasts Jay-Z’s NFL deal This is literally Jay Z versus Cra Z. Legal migrants will now be targeted Melania: Pick me. Pick me. Pick me.

United flight attendant fired after being charged with criminal public intoxication on plane Who does she think she is? The pilot?

Gwyneth Paltrow ‘pushed’ Chris Martin to reunite with Dakota Johnson after their breakup … or, as it’s known ‘conscious recoupling.’

Advertisers abandon Fox News host Tucker Carlson after he says ‘white supremacy is a hoax’ Carlson has lost so many sponsors, he’s down to ‘MyPillow’ and ‘Really, Really White Castle!’

Mattel shares plunge after disclosing anonymous whistleblower letter … and wait until they see the undercover vid from ‘Whistleblower Barbie,’ uh, I mean the anonymous source…

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

12

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

Economic Implicaters Since Trump is an expert at everything...

we thought we’d be “tired of winning” by now...

It may be too soon to panic... but it hasn’t quite worked out that way.

in the downward slide of our once-thriving economy. but certain bad actors have been implicated...

we can look forward to “huge” things.

Still, with the budget deal done...

September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

13

Spell It Out Trump dreaded the moment...

that the Mueller Report came to life.

But Mueller seemed to speak in code...

though the meaning was clear.

Mueller said it would probably be a waste of time...

and he may have been right.

His performance got bad reviews... and nothing seems to have changed. (continued)

14

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

Elephantitus Trump and the Republicans declared victory...

It’s Trump’s party now...

hardly recognizable... and are looking forward to business as usual.

yet moving forward on its priorities.

GOP leaders are ready to serve...

But, they warn, beware of radical Dems! and are feeling good about their prospects.

September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown

Hair-Brained Mitosis It came from outer space across the sea...

and so began a new era.

They put their heads together...

Government for the Rich, the Poor Be Damned Donald Trump loooooves farmers. We know this because he says so. “Farmers, I LOVE YOU!” he declared in December. And we’ve learned that whenever The Donald says something, it’s true — even when it’s not. (After all, we’ve seen that his real, unspoken motto is, “Give to the rich, the poor be damned.”)

These days, he’s loving farmers to death.

Trump has ignored the obvious need to get monopolistic price-fixing bankers, suppliers and commodity buyers off their backs. And he’s ineptly playing tariff games with China and other buyers of U.S. farm products, causing exports and farm prices to tumble. The result is that our ag economy is tumbling into a deep ditch, slamming farm families and rural America with a rising tsunami of bankruptcies.

Adding crude insult to economic injury, Trump’s doofus ag secretary, Sonny Perdue, laughed at farmers, branding them “whiners” for opposing his majesty’s disastrous policies.

So, needing a political “I love you” gesture, Trump has been sending big bouquets of money to some of his beloved farmers. Our money. $28 billion so far, in what he cynically (and comically) calls the Market Facilitation Program, otherwise known as a taxpayer bailout.

But TrumpLove turns out to be highly selective, with more than half of the government payments going to the biggest farm owners. The Department of Agriculture initially announced a $125,000 limit on the amount any one farm could get, but every Trump deal seems to have a gimmick in it to give a special break to the slickest operators. The slickum in this deal is that assorted members of a family can claim to be owners of the same farm and be eligible for bailout money, even if they do no actual farming and live in New York City! Thus, one Missouri farm family got $2.8 million worth of subsidy love from Trump, and more than 80 families topped half a million in payments.

Meanwhile, the great majority of farmers — 80% of eligible grain farmers — got zilch from Donald the Dealmaker. Those who are most endangered by his export collapse got less than $5,000. So Trump’s “Market Facilitation” is squeezing the many who are most in need while helping a few of the largest get even bigger.

While the Trumpistas are presently trying to plow a multibillion-dollar subsidy into big grain farms, they’re shockingly stingy when it comes to our society’s moral responsibility to make

JIM HIGHTOWER sure the least-wealthy among us get an adequate level of food. Their latest effort in the practice of mass minginess is to try literally taking food off poor children’s plates. Using a tangle of federal red tape, Trump ideologues and bureaucratic minions are intervening to prevent states from pro vid ing food stamp as sis tance to millions of their people.

According to federal rules, to qualify for food aid, a family of three should have an income under $27,000 a year. But with rents, utilities, health care and even food prices constantly rising, millions of Americans can’t make ends meet on such a low income. Thus, 40 states have stepped in to loosen that income restriction so families at least get the minimum nutrition humans need. Far from being welfare moochers (as far-right-wing extremists screech), these recipients overwhelmingly are working families, children, the elderly and Americans with disabilities. The benefit is hardly lavish; it averages only $127 a month, but even this modest outlay has proven enormously successful in mitigating poverty.

Congress actually authorized states to make such pragmatic income adjustments in a 1996 revamp of the law. But look out! Here comes Sonny Perdue again, rising up on his hind legs to proclaim that naughty state officials are using that authority as a “loophole” to circumvent Trump’s fed eral au thor ity. So Sonny and Donnie are demanding that a whole new bureaucracy of food stamp “eligibility police” be set up to monitor the assets of hard-hit people who’re just trying to get adequate food on their tables. This nonsense will cost tens of millions of our dollars to harass the poor in an autocratic hope of nabbing a couple of hungry families who have a dime more in assets than miserly Trumpistas claim they should have.

What we have here is government by plutocratic authoritarians who’ll gleefully dole out millions to a wealthy family and then just as gleefully go out of their way to deny food to millions of poor families.

and plunged ahead into the darkness.

16

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

Gun Control Shy Round and round and round we go...

where the buck stops, we already know.

Until a certain party stops taking bribes...

we’ll keep getting the same response.

They’re not fooling anyone...

and neither is Trump...

who only gives lip service to victims.

September, 2019

Meanwhile, worried parents do what they can.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2019

September, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

19

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Issue #329

September, 2019

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