Humor Times, Oct. 2019

“When one party moves this far from the mainstream, it makes it nearly impossible for the political system to deal constructively with the country’s challenges.” – Thomas E. Mann

Issue #330

October, 2019

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Editor’s Letter Time to Give Republicans in Congress a Long Timeout Democracy is in danger all around the world, what with authoritarian types taking advantage of economic insecurity and the virulent spread of lies and fear through social media in the so-called “information age” (which has devolved into the “misinformation age,” sadly). Brazil and Turkey have elected wannabe dictators, and in Europe, Hungary and Poland have given rise to authoritarian leaders, with other countries in the region, including the Czech Republic and Romania, edging that way. Russia and China, of course, are the most established and powerful examples.

Here in the U.S., we’ve always liked to think we’re immune to such things. Apparently not.

Dissatisfaction with lots of promises but no action over the years, combined with economic anxieties and stagnant wages, has led millions to vote for and to continue to support what any objective thinker can see is a malignant narcissist, who is woefully unfit for the presidency and whose mind seems to be rapidly deteriorating before our eyes.

That is bad enough. But what really makes the situation dangerous is the fact that members of his party are all too willing to leave this clear and present danger in power, just so they can hold onto power themselves – and stuff the judiciary with as many rabidly right-wing judges as possible, all the while approving Trump’s unfit and corrupt cabinet picks.

“Country First,” my ass. That was their slogan when John McCain ran against Obama in 2008. My, how far they’ve fallen in 11 short years. Little did we know that John McCain would be the last patriotic Republican we might ever see again.

Now, Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell holds up each and every bill the Democratic House sends his way, no matter the content. He’s proud of that fact, dubbing himself the “grim reaper,” thinking that it’s funny. He refuses to even let the Senate vote on bills to protect our very democracy from hostile foreign powers. What can you call that kind of behavior, but traitorous? It’s not like they’re coming up with any alternatives either. It seems the only bills Republicans will even consider these days are tax cuts for their rich benefactors.

Then Trump has the nerve to criticize Democrats for not getting anything done. But he’s just throwing shade to hide the fact that he is brazenly obstructing justice by refusing to cooperate with House subpoenas of witnesses and documents. He’s treating the co-equal branch of government – whose constitutionally proscribed duty is to be a check on the executive – like dirt.

Yes, democracy itself is in danger here in the good ol’ US of A. The only remedy left is to completely vote out this party of obstruction, and give the Senate and White House back to the Democrats, until the Republicans learn their lesson. In other words, give them a long timeout: treat them like the immature, spoiled brats they’ve become.

– James Israel, Editor P.S. We plan to continue publishing the Humor Times for as long as we possibly can, but we could use your help. Please buy gift subscriptions for everyone you know (go to https://subs .humortimes.com or use the form below), share our website on social media, mention us in comments online (with a link!), and encourage bloggers to review the publication. Last, but not least, please consider becoming a monthly patron at https://patreon.com/humortimes (see ad, previous page). Support the media you want to see!

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October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

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SharpieGate Obviously, anything written in bold enough ink must be true...

and if there’s any doubt – double down.

It’s all guesswork anyway, sez the prez... so you may as well own it.

Scribble first, ask questions later... and keep ’em “in line,” as it were.

Trump is bravely leading the fight against fake news...

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HUMOR TIMES

and against fake polls. (continued)

October, 2019

Brexit, Stage Right Winning hurricane wars is easy...

Boris Johnson’s plan was straightforward...

if your brain is “very large,” like Trump’s.

and would make Great Britain, well... great.

That’s why people believe his every utterance...

But it hasn’t been as easy as he’d hoped...

while others simply believe he’s very useful. and he seems to have backed himself into a corner.

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

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How Congress Spent Their Summer Vacation Alert! Alert! This is a test. This is only a test. A test of the Congressional ReArrival Warning System. Residents of the District of Colombia should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens just home from summer vacation. Although expert at camouflage, they can be recognized, notably by the crisp lines of their plumage, consisting mostly of dark business suits, but also by the incessant habit of spending every waking hour dialing district donors for dark dirty dollars.

The second week of September is traditionally when all 535 members of the 116th Congress reconvene, ostensibly refreshed for the arduous 33 days of work scheduled between now and Thanksgiving.

Caution: Do not approach or attempt to interact with these seemingly mild-mannered bureaucrats, as they are often irritable and unpredictable after spending lengthy periods amongst family and constituents, depending on which vacational ventures were undertaken.

Fortunately, through a complex network of research grants, internet searches and educated guesses, we here at Durstco were able to determine the recreational activities engaged in by many of America’s movers and shakers these past couple of months and are proud to present them now in a feature we like to call: “How They Spent Their Summer Vacations”: • Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell went to vocabulary camp, learning how to say “no” in 23 different languages.

• Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Switzerland for a charisma implant but, alas, his system rejected it and the donor died.

• Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren binge-watched all 8 seasons of Game of Thrones. But didn’t get it.

• President Donald Trump managed to bring his golf handicap below his body temperature for the first time since contracting malaria. Malaria, not Melania.

• Vice President Mike Pence spent a lot of time being seen reading the Bible in the presence of his wife.

• Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders held a series of mock debates with himself and lost to Kamala Harris every time.

• Former Congressman Mark Sanford hiked another Appalachian Trail, where he was hit by a bolt of Republican lightning.

• Donald Trump Jr. took a hurricane tracking course in order to better advise his father.

• National Security Advisor John Bolton got his talons sharpened.

• Beto O’Rourke spent 3 weeks in physical therapy learning to talk with his hands stapled to the out-

side of his thighs.

WILL DURST Congressman • Wisconsin James Sensenbrenner achieved higher consciousness after two weeks in an Oneida sweat lodge.

• Eric Trump was sent on a month-long snipe hunt by White House handlers.

• Andrew Yang practiced casting a reflection in a mirror.

• Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a sleep-over at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s house and the two got into a pillow fight resulting in 2 broken lamps and a quick trip to the emergency room.

• Cory Booker added Antonio Brown to his fantasy football team.

• Marianne Williamson presented a spirited defense of her Summer League Competitive Yoga title.

• Tom Steyer built a phone tree filled with recalcitrant billionaires.

• Amy Klobuchar organized sensitivity training retreats in various yurts around northern Minnesota.

• Mayor Pete Buttigieg baked and froze a series of casseroles for the South Bend Indiana Police Lodge’s Annual Autumn Pot-Luck Dinner.

• And finally, Melania, not malaria, Melania Trump spent her summer vacation wandering the Northern Mediterranean Coast, scoping out possible new rich daddies for Barron.

Beat the Heat Humans cherish our seasonal grievances. In the winter, we enthusiastically complain about the cold. It’s what we do. In the spring, it’s the wet. In the fall, it’s the pumpkin spice. But in the summer, it’s the heat. Your Aunt Catherine may have said, “Its not the heat, it’s the humidity.” But as usual, she was wrong: it’s the heat.

So here we are, dead-end summer and guess what; it’s hot out there. And not just your normal summer-hot either. We’re talking exponential factor hot. Second degree burns from the car door handle-hot. Your clothes all feel like greasy Saran Wrap-hot. Hershey bars are drinkable-hot.

Sweating in places you weren’t aware you had places-hot. Record-shatteringly-hot.

We’ll ignore the question of whether humans are responsible for heating up the globe like a test tube on a Bunsen burner with the gas spigot turned up full. YES! Along with other questions such as does the unceasing burning of fossil fuels bear any responsibility? INDEED! Or is the current administration colluding to accelerate the rise of the planet’s thermostat?

YOU BET! Rather, let’s focus on the practical aspects of surviving these thermal extremes. Local television coverage thoughtfully provides advice with their annual “How to Beat the Heat Wave” segments. Typically involves a reporter frying an egg on the sidewalk or the hood of a car or the forehead of the resident wacky sports reporter.

Then they haul in some dodgy l ook i ng ex per t who i n t ones earth-shakingly predictable advice while the perky anchor makes valiant efforts to remain alert; “Stay indoors.

Don’t exert yourself. Wear light colored clothing. Drink plenty of liquids.

Plan physical activities for early in the day. Call into work as absent due to the scorchiness.”

They might as well caution you to eat food, breathe air and walk upright.

And because we here at Durstco care, here’s a couple of novel ideas on how to stay cool while the rest of the world swelters in the blistering.

Top Ways to Beat the Heat During the Hottest Summer Ever: • Take a trip to the southern part of South America, its winter there.

• At irregular intervals, stick your head in the refrigerator.

• Sign up for underwater spelunking lessons.

• Sleep as close to the beach as possible, but check the tides first.

• Ice cubes in your underwear. Scoff if you will, but it works.

• For as long as it takes, subsist entirely on ice cream.

• Hang out in the shady parts of town.

• Meditation. Think cool thoughts.

• Collect all your sweat and put it in a bowl. Won’t make you cooler, but will keep your mind off how hot it is.

• Eat frozen foods while still frozen.

• Sit in a sauna for ten minutes every hour. Then the mere balmy will seem refreshingly cool in comparison.

• Book a room in a hotel with a pool.

Crank the air down to glacial.

• Drink plenty of water, frozen into cubes, completely surrounded by gin and tonic.

• Two words: Champagne popsicles.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former usher at the Pix Theater in Waukesha Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

– Mark Twain

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

Debatable There’s been a debate about the debate formats...

and there are debates within the debates.

The field is finally thinning...

but some refuse to see the writing on the wall.

Others persist, doing what they can to get noticed...

but only one has emerged as the front-runner.

There’s no telling where he’s headed, though... or what he’s thinking.

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

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The Prez Trump is determined to deliver on at least one promise...

He continues to work as hard as ever...

with religious zeal, even.

He believes he’s on a mission from God...

staying above the mortal fray.

The whole world is in his hands...

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as he loudly proclaims in his daily “chopper talks.”

and he’s making the most of it. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

The Art of Corruption Unfortunately, the G7 wasn’t all he’d hoped for...

Trump has turned the presidency into a cash cow...

but the next one, at his place, will be better. and the rules are simple.

Trump’s looking forward to the election...

The Senate Majority Leader is on board with whatever...

but he don’t need no stinkin’ GOP primaries.

October, 2019

and consequences be damned.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

The Couldn’t-Care-Less Generation: 95% of All Babies Do Not Help with Household Chores

PRINCETON – Is the world’s laziest generation of all times impending upon us? According to an international study by approved sociologists of Princeton University, newborns of the last two years rarely or never help with their parents’ household chores.

“It’s shocking – but in the area of household chores, one has to deliver a damning indictment for all those people born after 2017," explained Director of Studies Howard Whittaker, who examined children from 32 countries, among them the United States and several European countries such as France, the Netherlands and Germany.

“Even regarding the fulfilment of the sim plest chores, like help ing in the kitchen, cleaning up their own room or disposing of waste, the latest generation is transnationally no longer willing to comply.”

Scientists have so far not come up with adequate reasons for this. “The problem is that most of these young people refrain from articulating their reasons for not doing anything,” as Whittaker said. “We are faced with a mystery. Not even financial incentives seem to be of any use.”

There fore, sci en tists have rec ommended a policy of the heavy hand to worried parents of newborns. “Parents should see to it that they don’t allow too much,” Whittaker said. “If all else fails, then there just won’t be any night-time feeding – until the bottle has been put into the dishwasher.”

Reported by The-Postillon.com.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Donald Trump Buys Greenland to Experts: Nation’s Football Fans Still Not Game Ready Be King of Something Despite being three weeks into the season, President Extraordinaire Donald Trump has managed to buy Greenland from the Danish government. At first, the Danes were not happy at parting with a vast p iece of pr op e rty roughly 50 times the size of their own native homeland of Denmark, but Trump made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Rumor has it that the President of Denmark woke up finding a whale head in his bed.

In an interview, Denmark’s Prime Minister stated that he was sad at the loss of the great island. “We were holding onto it, in case are suburbs got too big and we had to relocate some people.” But, he added, it would be better to let it go than to be “obliterated by an atom bomb from some nutcase.”

Upon receiving the deed entitling him to the near-continent sized land mass, which was written on four seal skins sewn together, Trump immediately declared himself King of Greenland, even though the land is essentially a democracy.

“I’ll take care of that problem pronto!” stated Trump in a tweet to his many fans, who wouldn’t want to see him tied down to anything as

wimpy as a ‘demented democracy,’ as the President and now King stated in a later tweet.

“I don’t see the point in ruling a country where you have to answer to other people,” stated the Pres i dent firmly. “If you are going to go through the trouble of hu mil i at ing other candidates and using intim i da tion and play power games to make yourself the number one honcho, y ou should have a complete say in how things are going to get run. This wimpy ‘democracy’ stuff is for losers, like Crooked Hillary.” The new King then belched up an uproarious guffaw at his own joke.

An arctic tundra crawler took the newly anointed King further inland to a place where there was a hot springs, near which a giant ice palace had been erected, furnished with all the necessities. Trump was so immersed in looking around his new ice palace that he did not notice ev ery one tak ing off quickly in the tun dra crawler, leaving him alone.

All Hail the New King!!!

Reported by Roger Freed.

Banks Urge Congress to Bring Back Indentured Servitude WASHINGTON – America’s largest banks urged Congress today to bring back indentured servitude and to completely redistribute wealth from the poor and middle class to the richest Americans. The gargantuan banking institutions asserted that it was not enough to financially ruin Americans who defaulted on predatory loans, and that their debts should be paid off through uncompensated labor.

“All we’re asking is that Americans work off their debts through labor, given to a creditor for a set amount of time, as dictated by a legally binding contract – which of course can be bought and sold at will by creditors,” explained an anonymous source at JPMorgan Chase.

An anonymous source at Bank of America added, “Let’s be honest, indentured servitude is the next logical step in this economy, where the rich rob everyone else by buying the government, and then routinely engage in fraud when the law is inconvenient.”

“In the event Americans pay off their debt through their labor, they will once again be free

to earn di rect com pen sa tion for their labor.

Otherwise, their kids may have to work their debt off for as long as it takes,” said an of fi cial from Citigroup.

“Nu mer ous states have reintroduced unconstitutional debtors’ prisons to punish poor Americans who have no way of paying punitive legal debts. Indentured servitude is a step up from that,” concluded an anonymous source from Wells Fargo.

Congress appeared open to the suggestion of bring back indentured servitude, because, they explained, American citizens should not use bankruptcy as a shield the way corporations did.

Reported by TheNilAdmirari.com.

American football fans are still not in shape for viewing games all day, a report by the Couch Potato Athletic League (CPAL) concludes.

“We here at CPAL like to say we’re the sport’s ‘pals,’ who like to ‘see’ as much football as pos si ble,” said CPAL Com mis sioner Demond Eyesore. “But we’re just not there yet.

Too much napping, not enough fist- pumping.”

Most league-worthy fans like to watch four or five games a weekend, according to CPAL stats, but so far this year, their average is only 3.4 games, with many watchers falling asleep sometime during their fourth game.

“We need to do better,” said Paul Stoner, a 22-year veteran football watcher. “I’m 36, and have been watching religiously since I was 14.

I’ve never seen such a slow-developing league this far into the season.

Speak ing f o r m yself , I need to step it up, d r i n k more coffee and less beer, and be cheering my teams on through all four quarters.”

In the CPAL, one “quarter” is equivalent to a full game, since Couch Potato athletes are expected to watch at least four, with full attention on every play.

“I don’t know exactly what the problem is,” said Commissioner Eyesore, “you’d think we were watching baseball or something!”

Last year’s CPAL champion was a woman, Sherry Longseer, who averaged 6.5 games per week.

“It takes real dedication,” Longseer said, “season after season. There’s no ‘boring game’ excuse, or ‘too many flags’ or anything like that. We need to be our best, week in and week out, for our teams — who depend on us for their incomes.”

Some blame increased “couch concussions,” a malady where the eyes get blurry and the brain fogs up, from watching for long hours while listening to the constant crowd roar and lame broadcaster banter.

“Broadcasters and sideline interviewers need to step up their game as well, to help keep it interesting. Give us something to work with, for pete’s sake,” said Eyesore.

Reported by James Israel.

Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Big Popeye’s/Chick-Fil-A fried chicken sandwich war rages on And, it’s led to an even bigger war, the one between Charmin and Angel Soft toilet paper!

Rooster pecked woman to death in ‘rare’ attack, report says How come there’s never a cock blocker when you really need one?

In just the past month, about 36,000 fires have ignited in the Amazon rainforest in Brazil ... des perately await ing U.S airdrops of rakes ...

Tina Turner turned 79 While her legs remain 24!

Boris Johnson “deceived Queen and should resign” Well, in fairness, they’re not re ally Queen since Freddy Mercury died.

Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.

Kristen Stewart was told if she stopped holding hands with girlfriends in public, she’d “get a Marvel movie” ... though, it might help her in landing a role playing an AC/DC Comic Book hero...

Trump says he has called off a secret meeting with Taliban and Afghanistan leaders at Camp David But they can always be drawn in with a Sharpie at a later date.

Psychic ordered to pay $1.6 million back to victim and spend 40 months in prison I’m sure she saw this coming.

Andrew Yang’s giving people $1,000 a month And, unlike Trump, they don’t have to say they didn’t have sex with him.

Felicity Huffman gets sentenced to 14 days in jail for college admissions scam … Although, she’s hoping to get time off for someone else’s good behavior.

Jets QB Sam Darnold has mononucleosis and is expected to miss multiple weeks No word if Jet fans are now in danger of having to kiss their season goodbye.

Disney’s Bob Iger steps down from Apple’s Board of Directors How long before Trump tweets about Bob Disney leaving the board of the company lead by Tim Apple?

Kendall Jenner partied in a blazer, no pants, and knee-high boots ... well, she was coming from church.

RIP Eddie Money Hope you’re meeting up with someone who already used that first ticket to paradise.

Art by Fire Fall Show Sat., Oct. 26th, 10am-4pm Shepard Garden Art Center, 3330 McKinley Blvd., Sac.

23rd Annual Fine Arts Festival Fri., Nov 22nd, 4-8pm Sat., Nov 23rd, 10am-5pm Spanos Community Center 920 W. March Ln., Stockton And anytime at the Artist Collaborative Gallery, 129 K St. in Old Sacramento

www.johnreigerpottery.com

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

Deep Dive The economy is the best ever...

all thanks to the president.

and so is confidence.

Sales are up...

creating a lot of movement in the markets.

Few have the Midas touch Trump does...

and it’s all part of the long-range plan.

Bottom line, it’s working...

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

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Blind Loyalty Trump’s base remains loyal...

and the party is sitting pretty.

They know one thing is important above all else...

and that’s loyalty to country their dear leader.

They celebrate his unique talents...

and continue to do their job his bidding.

Meanwhile, outside the bubble, it’s different...

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and now, Chris Christie is launching a comeback.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

Boltin’ Bolton

Gun Culture

Bolton’s been shown the door...

Nothing can be done, say Republicans and the NRA...

but he wanted to leave with a bang.

because it’s part of the country’s identity.

The president is working on it...

Apparently, they just didn’t get along...

but it’s not up to him, he said. and so the wild ride continues.

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown

Health Careless We’ve seen this movie before...

and it ends badly.

Meanwhile, Purdue Pharma was sued...

Why Would We Trust Plutocrats to Save Us from Plutocracy?

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote of being leery of a loud-talking huckster who visited his home: “The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons,” Emerson exclaimed.

Likewise, today’s workaday families should do a mass inventory of their silverware as an integrity check on a mess of loud-talking corporate honcho plutocrats. Suddenly, 181 of these union-busting, tax-cheating, environment-contaminating, consumer-gouging corporate hucksters are asking us to believe that they stand with us in the fight against… well, against them.

Wall Street banksters, Big Oil polluters, anti-union extremists and a myriad of other profiteers grouped into a prestigious collective called Business Roundtable, issued a “grito” in August, trumpeting their future intentions to serve not just themselves but every “stakeholder” (which is what they call employees, customers, supplies, et al.).

Nice of them, of course, but vague proclamations are cheap, and it’s worth noting that these new champions of the common good propose no specifics — no actual sacrifices by them or benefits for us. Excuse me, but their grandiose promise of corporate beneficence is what West Texas cowboys would call “bovine excrement.”

Yes, we’ve now been joined in the trenches of class struggle by the CEOs of JPMorgan Chase, Walmart, Amazon and nearly 200 other gi ant cor po ra tions. Well, not quite in the trenches, for you can get your Guccis dirty in there. Still, on the battleground of public relations, Business Roundtable (the chief lobbing front for America’s biggest corporations) has declared its solidarity with all of us who seek economic fairness and equal opportunity.

Their opening volley was fired in August in a grand declaration titled “Statement on the Purpose of a Corporation.” For 50 years, that purpose has been ruthlessly clear: maximize their investors’ profits, no matter who or what they have to run over. But now, the barons of big business are putting on a softer face, proclaiming that their “fundamental commitment” is not merely to serve shareholder greed but also to benefit workers, reduce inequality, protect the environment and serve the whole community.

It’s corporate kumbaya, y’all — solidarity forever!

Alex Gorsky, CEO of Johnson & Johnson, was designated to write the Roundtable’s new

JIM HIGHTOWER declaration of concern for the common people.

He later expressed a historic sense of pride in the task: “There were times when I felt like Thomas Jefferson,” Gorsky gushed.

Really? This is the same guy who presided over Johnson & Johnson’s profiteering roll in spreading deadly opioids throughout America.

Even as he was pos ing as Jef fer son, an Oklahoma jury was assessing a $572 million fine on his corporation for foisting the opioid horror on the common people he now professes to love.

So forgive me for not believing for a moment that there’s one iota of sincerity in this sudden assertion of egalitarian sentiment by the soulless organizers of today’s corporate plunder.

These plutocrats are still going to plunder your unions, paychecks, jobs, health, environment and overall well-being. The only difference is that they now want you to think they feel bad about it.

A few media observers have been mildly skep ti cal, say ing it’s “an open ques tion” whether any of the corporate proclaimers will change how they do business. But it’s not an open question at all. They won’t. They won’t support full collective bargaining power for workers, won’t join the public’s push to get Medicare for All, won’t stop using monopoly power to squeeze out small competitors and gouge consumers, won’t support measures to stop climate change, won’t back reforms to get their corrupt corporate money out of our politics … won’t embrace any of the big structural changes necessary to reverse the raw economic and political inequality that has enthroned their plutocratic rule and made them richer than royalty.

In fact, their empty proclamation is nothing but a cynical ploy to soften people’s anger at their rampant greed in hopes of fending off the actual changes that real reformers are advancing. Corporate elites won’t fix inequality for us; they’re the ones doing it to us.

but they were the real victims.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

Scorched Earth Policy The problem has been studied to death...

but just keeps getting worse.

Experts agree something must be done...

and the administration says it’s on it.

and requires drastic action.

The Amazon is burning up...

and the proof is in the pudding.

“Drastic is what I’m all about,” said Trump...

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2019

October, 2019

HUMOR TIMES

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