“The day Richard Nixon failed to answer that subpoena is the day that he was subject to impeachment because he took the power of Congress away...” – Sen. Lindsey Graham, 1998
Issue #331
November, 2019
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November, 2019
Editor’s Letter Don’t Despair, Things Can Get Much Better It’s easy to get discouraged at the slow pace of change, especially when things actually go backwards – as they are now under the current corrupt and inept White House occupant and his enablers in Congress. Lord knows, progress was too slow already, before this huge setback. But things can change, sometimes quickly. And the one good thing this otherwise disastrous presidential term has done, perhaps, is to cause large numbers of concerned citizens to awake from their political slumber and spring into action. A new administration and a new Congress could and must accomplish many important things. Millions of jobs could be created simply by doing what must be done: beginning the challenging work of launching a green economy. Constructing a renewable energy network, rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure, planting massive amounts of carbon-soaking trees, transforming the way we manufacture and recycle – it won’t be easy, but these projects could solve lots of other problems, besides the obvious environmental ones that need urgent addressing. We could create full employment, end homelessness, and transform our sick politics by creating new hope in our ability to create a just and vibrant society. Don’t underestimate our spirit as a nation. We’ve faced tough obstacles before and overcome them: with the original New Deal, with women’s suffrage, criminal justice reform, the civil and gay rights movements, and so on. These reforms seemed nearly impossible at one time, yet great progress has been made. Change can happen, and it must. It starts by getting serious about educating ourselves and each other on the issues and about the importance of electing dedicated, competent candidates. Don’t just complain. Believe – and contribute toward the change. – James Israel, Editor
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 28, Issue 331, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2019. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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Three local theater stars, Richard Winters, Richard Broadhurst and Matt Miller (L-R above), have teamed up to produce a festival of original comedy – three oneperson plays – or three zany looks at life in our times. The writers work under the title of SAC/ SOLO/SIX because it is the sixth time the company has attempted to support writers who think they can act and actors who think that they can write. What a delight to discover that they all can act and write! The shows are: Dancing Naked in the Universe by Richard Winters; Cock Tales by Richard Broadhurst; An Evening with Sir Twaddle Dreck by Matt Miller.
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November, 2019
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HUMOR TIMES
In the R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or CalStage.org 3
Repeal & Replace The best- (and worst-) laid plans often go awry...
but stable geniuses know how to get to the bottom of it.
Trump says he’s just fighting corruption...
so Congress should stop fighting his corruption.
He’s taking it to a whole new level...
by getting help wherever he can.
No one knows why he abandoned the Kurds...
4
except him. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2019
Apparently, the Kurds just weren’t helping enough...
but Turkey’s authoritarian prez is a “great guy.”
Our forefathers provided a remedy for dealing with tyrants...
that the president swore an oath to uphold.
and they wrote it all down in a document...
Now he’s threatening a new civil war...
to restore order. (continued, pg. 7) or whatever it takes...
November, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
5
You Can’t Do That All of Washington is vibrating like the foam on a latte in the cup holder of a convertible jeep riding railroad tracks over a bridge. Republicans are scrambling to hold together their diverse coalition of rich white men frightened about the next election and well-to-do white men worried about the next election. Democrats also seem mildly engaged, which to them borders on a frenzy. It’s all due to the substantial evidence that Donald Trump conspired to withhold military aid to Ukraine unless President Volodomyr Zelensky agreed to assist in the upcoming election by digging up dirt on Joe Biden’s family. A great way to resolve this would be to launch an investigation into corruption activities by all family members of the executive branch of government, past and present, but that’s probably not going to happen. The proof of Mr. Trump’s malfeasance consists of texts, emails, depositions, multiple whistleblowers and a little thing called Trump’s own admission. Either he doesn’t believe he can commit a crime, doesn’t think anybody cares, or considers himself untouchable (stemming from the fact that lately, nobody wants to touch him). The problem with swimming with Trump is he’s constantly pooping in the pool and expecting everyone to pretend not to notice while smiling at the honor. Then he pees from the high board and calls it liquid gold. And still his enablers are surprised when they get out and no one will lend them a towel. It was bound to happen: you cut enough corners, eventually all you’re left holding is a hole, hopefully big enough to hide in. Which is what all of his staffers and appointees are looking for right now as the investigation spreads like basement mold. He then didn’t just double down, he quintupled down by publicly threatening to ask China to do the same thing. First he leverages Ukraine, then China, who’s next; Wakanda? Ruritania? Fredonia? He’s already got Absurdistan’s support, aka: Fox News. Why does Trump have to dig up dirt on anybody when he has plenty Trump branded dirt in his own back yard? Obviously, he’s not going to give away his extremely valuable dirt for free, but couldn’t he lend Biden a couple of wheel barrels full at 10 percent interest? The man has never heard the words, “You can’t do that.” From anybody. Ever. Whether it concerned legal, ethical, moral or strategic matters. He’s Billy Mumy in that Twilight Zone episode. Either you agree with what he wants or suffer the consequences. Hopefully he’ll hear “No, I’m sorry, you can’t betray your oath of office, you’re fired” from the American people soon. But right now, the president is double-dog daring Congress: “Yeah, I did it, and I’ll do it again,
and who’s going to stop me? WILL DURST You? Right, you and what army?” Even though he’s under intense fire for abuse of power, the House of Representatives – controlled by Democrats – decides this information is so critical, they immediately spring into action… and take a two- week recess. But in the middle of October, when they get back, Congress is expected to buy a one-way ticket on the Impeachment Train without any idea of where it’s going, when it’ll get there or how much it’s going to cost. And as usual, checked bags are extra.
Blow That Whistle This White House breathes chaos. They’re like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates come crashing down to the ground. The attraction consists of the cast kicking through the detritus, which is always loud and cacophonous. But even given that standard, the current state of disarray is breathtaking. Staffers are quitting, subpoenas are being issued; terms like “treason,” “civil war” and “like a spy” are being bandied about. This is more than your run of the mill ordinary pandemonium; this is super-exceptional pandemonium, like a monkey in a tuxedo juggling bayonets. On a unicycle. In hell. This latest chapter in mayhem and bedlam occurred in the wake of a whistleblower coming forward to claim Donald Trump attempted to shake down a foreign leader to interfere on his behalf in the next election, which is so illegal, even Vladimir Putin was impressed. Holding hostage an arms shipment that Congress had already approved, the President first asked a favor of Vlodomyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president; not-so-slyly intimating the arms would be released only if the Ukrainians were able to dig up some dirt with an investigation of Joe Biden’s son, Hunter. And Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris: whoever you got. Marianne Williamson, not so much. Trump also threatened to keep Vice President Pence from making a state visit unless ball was played, which is a weird form of intimidation. Keeping Mike Pence from coming to your country does n’t sound very men ac ing. More like a reward. As a matter of fact, next time the stable genius might want to prom ise Rudy Giuliani and William Barr would stay equally far away. Might provide more leverage. De spite pre vi ous con fu sion, Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, was listening in on the very phone call, records of which were diverted to a super secret server that stores other calls and documents that make the president look bad. So, it must be one hell of a server. Maybe a warehouse in Bethesda? The pres i dent re sponded by saying the whistleblower was like a spy, and in the old days, they knew how to deal with spies. Suggesting we execute witnesses to h i s c r i me s ; i s n ’t t h a t a n impeachable offense as well? He’s stacking ‘em up like 747s circling O’Hare after a surprise blizzard the day before Thanksgiving. Trump doesn’t deny the call with Zelensky and released a transcript maintaining that the conversation was “perfect and beautiful.” And because we’ve gone through this process for 33 months, we all know how the rest is going to play out. He’ll say even if he did it, many people are saying there was nothing wrong with it. There will be stonewalling. He’ll say plenty of other people did the same thing, especially Obama. He’ll increasingly attack the accuser, threaten lawsuits and call the scandal just another partisan witch-hunt, which further exempli fies the larger con spir acy against he, the best president in the history of ever. And during all these predictable machinations, he’ll continue to distract the public by offering up other tantalizing mor sels for public and media consumption. Maybe he’ll finally release his tax returns or leak photos from the night he spent with Stormy Daniels or start a war. But we all know how it’ll turn out. He’ll blame Hillary. And then break more plates. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former usher at the Pix Theater in Waukesha Wis con sin. For past col umns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com. “A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
6
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2019
Repeal & Replace (conclusion) Trump’s woes seem mostly self-inflicted...
being his own worst enemy.
He won’t give up easily...
but his obstruction is itself impeachable.
He said impeachment would fortify his position...
and dared the Democrats to try it.
being more than happy to oblige. So Nancy decided to launch...
November, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
7
All the President’s Men Republicans in Congress have followed Trump everywhere...
but it’s taken a lot out of them.
They say he’s a real kidder...
no matter what.
but deserves their loyalty...
They’ve changed their tune from the Clinton years...
and are sticking by their leader...
8
to the very end. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2019
White House Blues It can be hard to see clearly when you’re so smitten...
Trump can rely on his helpers...
especially if you believe in divine intervention.
to keep the opposition occupied.
Besides, stepping out of line can be dangerous... But now that they’re surrounded...
so most opt to stand pat. he may have to bring in outside help.
November, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Huge Celebration as Champagne Factory Christened with Cruise Ship EPERNAY – Yesterday, tens of thousands of visitors attended a factory opening that appealed to the audience in quite a special way. The champagne manufacturer invited visitors and VIPs to the grand inauguration. The highlight of the ceremony was the cruise ship, which is traditionally thrown against the walls of the factory.
Factory owner Jean-Pierre Eisinger (59) is very proud: “Unlike most sparkling wine manufacturers, we did not want to use a cheap cruise ship. It had to be something more like the QE2. In the end, though, we de cided on a Nor wegian Cruise Line ship since they are very fashionable at the moment.” There were no concerns about spilling the ship’s heavy fuel oil. After all, the crashing and splattering are exactly what people look forward to when attending such ceremonies. Christening champagne and sparkling wine factories in this way is a longstanding tradition. In many parts of the world, it is also customary to crush a cruise liner on the factory hull as well as smashing one against the side. A further part of the custom states that the crane used to swing the ship into the side of the factory must be operated by a woman – a male crane operator would bring bad luck. The attendees at the inauguration in Epernay were equipped with champagne flutes and delighted in drinking the exquisite bubbly (Extra Brut) spilling out of a gaping crack in the wall of the factory once the ceremony was over. Reported by The-Postillon.com.
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Trump Given Toy Telephone to Stop Him Getting into Any More Trouble WASHINGTON – Pres i dent Don ald Trump’s team today subtly switched out the Oval Office telephone for a brightly colored toy telephone from Fisher Price. It is hoped that the swap will prevent the Presid en t from getting himself into hot wa ter on calls to other Heads of Government. T h e P r e s ident seems to be tak ing well to the new phone so far. He has spent the last few hours pressing different buttons on his telephone and amusing himself with the fun noises on the key pad and the ring tones. At intervals, he has been shouting, “You really have to investigate Sleepy Joe Biden! Do you hear me? You really want the USA to stay friends with you!” So far, the President has not noticed that he is receiving no reply from the other end of the line.
After all, he prefers to do the talking himself and is not interested in what the other party has to say. President Trump’s advisers would rather play it safe, though, so they intend to record some automatic responses in the nea r fu t ur e. These will include, “Yes, Mr President!”, “Of course, Mr President!”, “This is the greatest idea of all time, Mr President!” and “You are a much better president than Obama, sir!” The plan seems to be working. It has been four hours since President Trump seriously violated any legislation or put American national security at risk. Experts say that may be a new record. Reported by The-Postillon.com.
Seldom Reliable Sources Reveal Yet More of Trump’s Telephone Tag Game With the latest revelation of an inappropriate request by President Trump during a recent telephone discussion with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison, it appears that a Pandora’s Box of similar telephone tag conversations has been opened. Seldom reliable sources have referred to these additional interactions: North Korea While the public has been aware of various conversations between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un over the last few years, they were not privy to a recent phone call in which Trump made several requests of the Supreme Leader. According to White House insiders who have seen the transcript, the President asked for Kim’s favorite recipe for kimchi, a basketball autographed by Dennis Rodman and a long term prison camp stay for Joe Biden. France French President Emmanuel Macron received a call from Donald Trump asking for some Brie and a little dirt on Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and/or Kamala Harris. Trump
apparently was hoping for some video evidence of financial wrongdoing or a possible Democratic three-way. Macron misunderstood the latter re quest at which point the call was terminated.
Mexico Donald Trump has apparently made it a monthly habit in his ongoing telephone tag game to call Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador to remind him that he’s still on the hook to pay for Trump’s new border wall. This month, however, he told Obrador that he
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Lady Gaga shows off new pink hair as she celebrates one-year anniversary of ‘A Star Is Born’ Ap par ently, “a star is bored.” Trump abandons Kurds in Syria In fairness, Trump’s proba b ly ab an don in g the Kurds for younger, hotter, Eastern European resistance fighters. Happy Birthday, Yo Yo Ma Imag ine how differ ent your life would’ve been if you’d been named Yo Ma Ma.
Lucifer for Congress: Anthology #1 Available at Lulu.com Long-shot liberal congressional candidate Lucifer Sims launches a quixotic campaign in this hilarious anthology of the newspaper comic strip.
Tiffany Haddish is studying for her Bat Mitzvah No word if she will then change her name to Tiffany Kaddish. Minneapolis wants Trump to pay for police security in advance of his rally there Or, at least to in voice Mexico. Jane Fonda’s plan to move to Washington, D.C to get arrested was a success I’m shocked, shocked any actress her age can still get herself arrested…
Tulsi Gabbard threatened to boycott Dem debate Tulsi Gabbard is the Hawaiian word for Jill Stein…
Geraldo Rivera: Trump “Surrounded by backstabbers, vipers, rats, snitches” That’s less of a statement and more of job application from Geraldo.
Charlize Theron sports an all-nude look as she rocks a thumb brace while heading inside to Jimmy Kimmel It can’t be all nude if she has on a thumb brace.
Trump tweeted about his “great and unmatched wisdom” Dude sounds like the Wizard of Oz, if the Wizard had grabbed Dorothy “by the pussy!”
There’s a claim Elizabeth Warren had sex with a 24-year-old, body builder, ex-Marine with a Vin Diesel Triple X tattoo on his back Or, as Lindsey Graham probably calls her “lucky.”
Hailey Bieber reacts to Taylor Swift fan slamming her and Justin: “I’m not worth the energy” No word yet if there’s been a response back from Selena Gomez.
Putin is behind so-called peace deal in Ukraine Makes sense he wants peace… a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Slovakia, a piece of Finland!
JWoww dumps boyfriend Zack After he flirted with Angelina Could be worse… could be the makings of a spinoff ‘Jersey Sores.’
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
12
HUMOR TIMES
State Lottery Taps Opioid Maker to Develop SuperAddictive Lottery Ticket CHICAGO — In an effort to rid the state of the proletariat and boost state revenue, the Illinois Lottery has hired Purdue Pharma to produce a super-ad dic tive scratch-off lot tery ticket. In a press release issued yesterday afternoon, the Illinois Lottery cited the opioid maker’s sheer effectiveness at wiping out so many bottom feeders so quickly.
“Where the lot tery has failed, Purdue Pharma has exceeded expectations beyond anyone’s wildest dreams,” the release stated. “Homeowners need tax breaks, and those lowly peasants have been sucking this state dry for years, so this is truly a win-win for the State of Illinois,” said a lottery insider. The Illinois Lottery plans to launch the super-addictive lottery ticket next Tuesday. Lottery officials believe it should only take a matter of weeks to completely wipe out the lower class. Reported by Jason Stapelmann. could forget about any wall payments so long as he could arrange for the “disappearance” of any two of the top five Democratic presidential candidates. Cuba Never a big fan of Cuba, Donald Trump nevertheless did call Cuban President Miguel Diaz-Canel. Trump reportedly asked for a couple of boxes of premium cigars and promised to build a new hotel in Havana if Diaz-Canel could confer honorary Cuban citizenship on Bernie Sanders and/or Elizabeth Warren. China Trump recently called President Xi to congratulate him on the 70th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China. At the same time, he also ordered six spring rolls and a gen er ous serv ing of Gen eral Tso’s chicken. The phone line connection was apparently weak since the transcript is incomplete but it looks like President Trump offered to remove all of the American tariffs on Chinese goods if Xi agreed to do everything he could to secretly support the presidential candidacy of Bill de Blasio. United Kingdom There were two phone calls to the U. K., the first being to Donald Trump’s new best friend, Prime Minister Boris Johnson. The record of that call reveals that the President promised to send military aid to assist in the hard Brexit campaign on condition that Johnson fabricate video evidence of a sexual liason between any two Democratic presidential candidates. The second call was to the Queen but apparently Her Majesty would not accept the charges. Canada Hard on the heels of Justin Trudeau’s blackface/brownface scan dal, Pres i dent Trump called him to commiserate and to offer a bit of friendly advice. The transcript of that call apparently details a bit of quid pro quo wherein Trump offered to do something really outrageous in order to take the media spotlight off Trudeau if the Canadian prime minister would promise to kidnap Joe Biden and place him on an Arctic ice floe. Reported by David Martin.
Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)
November, 2019
Dem Dems
November, 2019
Democrats are averse to risk...
and don’t want to be seen as too radical...
or as bullies.
Joe is still comparing himself to Obama...
but is suddenly facing an uphill climb...
having had quite a fright.
Bernie survived his own scare...
as Dems continue to campaign.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Fossil Fools A movement has arisen to save our world...
like Jesus from the tomb.
It’s led by children...
who are raising the alarm...
as they try to get us going in the right direction. It’s clear who is opposing change...
and it won’t be easy to break free.
14
Maybe it matters little, in the larger scheme of things.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2019
The Donald Trump retreated to his castle...
to do what geniuses do.
He likes to work on his own...
making promises he never intends to keep.
He continues work on pet projects...
much like a certain predecessor...
Mainly, he’s keeping up the family business. but with key differences.
November, 2019
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Whistleblowing Brave whistleblowers have come forward...
alerting America to danger...
like real patriots.
The Gloppy Mess of Merger Mania Here’s a recipe for you: Chop up 6 Oscar Meyer wieners, stir in 1 cup of Heinz ketchup, blend with 1/2 cup of Cool Whip and Maxwell House Coffee, sprinkle a 1/2 cup of Planters peanuts over the mixture, add 3 spoonfuls of A.1. Steak Sauce and then top it off with a jar of Cheez Whiz and blast it in the microwave. Sound like a gloppy mess? It would be if anyone could stomach the idea of making it, but an even messier version of the glop was cooked up in 2015 by corporate profiteers. That’s when Kraft Foods Group was merged with H. J. Heinz in a bit of merger mania, thus conglomerating more than 200 brand-name food products — including all of the above — into one $28 billion-a-year behemoth. The combine was hailed at the time as a whiz-bang deal, a product of sheer corporate and financial genius that would generate extraordinary efficiencies, growth and profits, proving that bigger is always better. Um … apparently not. Four years later, Kraft Heinz’s sales have slumped, profits are tumbling, its stock price has plummeted by half in the last year, investors are bailing out, its products are losing market share, shareholders are suing, regulators are investigating, employees are increasingly dispirited, and … well, as some business journalists have put it, the megamerger is a megamess. This is not the work of inexperienced, incompetent corporate managers inside Kraft or Heinz but of a couple of highly touted Wall Street “geniuses” who’ve amassed personal fortunes in the global corporate merger game. The Kraft Heinz consolidation was engineered from outside by a Brazilian corporate takeover outfit named 3G, in cahoots with U.S. buyout buccaneer Warren Buffett. They are ideological disciples of the old or tho doxy that the sole responsibility of corporate executives is to jack up the stock price and profits for big shareholders — in this case, themselves. Their self-serving approach to increasing Kraft Heinz’s profits was to squeeze “costs,” meaning squeezing out experienced managers, workers, product development and the vibrancy of the corporation itself — which has steadily squeezed out their own profits. This old model of self-enrichment through corporate takeover, consolidation and contraction turns out to be not just bad morals but bad business. It’s time for us, the media and public officials to start saying “NO!” to merger mania. Last spring, a lawn care company advertised a special deal: “$50 OFF.” Off of what? In small print, the ad explained: “Off of free services.” I think of that twisted advertising hustle when I see yet another corporate megamerger being announced with great hoopla. The grin-
JIM HIGHTOWER ning CEOs of the merging giants promise everything, but — as we’ve learned from promises made by merging airlines, banks, drugmakers, etc. — they’ll most likely deliver less than nothing. Four years after the Kraft Heinz colossus merged, it has become a shamble, far less than either had been separately. What happened? Greed and Wall Street’s cost-cutting BS took over the executive suite. 3G had been the primary driver of the Kraft Heinz merger, and its top honchos quickly replaced the previous managerial teams with their own financial hotshots, who imposed a rigid bit of busi ness school hum bug gery called “zero-based budgeting.” It amounted to the practice of corporate thuggery — cut employees, slash expenses, divert revenues to the new owners, buy up other corporations … and repeat the plunder. Suddenly, instead of focusing on improving products and customer satisfaction, Kraft Heinz employ ees were riv eted on the minutia of cost-cutting. (The regime’s miserliness was exemplified by its removal of company-made nut and cheese snacks that had been offered for free a t e m p l o y e e m e e t i n g s ). R e s e a r c h a nd new-prod uct de vel op ment bud gets were whacked, seven processing plants were closed, thousands of workers were offed, and employee morale plummeted. Also, 3G’s money manipulators had no clue about sweeping changes that were remaking the packaged food industry, especially the rise of smaller, more innovative companies that were de liv er ing the health ier, less pro cessed, better-tasting products consumers wanted. So Kraft Heinz’s “iconic” brands soon became perceived as simply old, losing consumer appeal, market share and profits. Adding insult to injury, last month, 3G started bailing out of its disastrous corporate creation, selling 25 million of its shares at a loss. In June, 3G installed a new CEO, promising to right the ship, but he seems to be offering more of the same old corporate BS. “To truly change the direction of a business like ours,” he recently babbled, “we need to understand the future.” Hey, chief. First look to your past and try to learn that you don’t build by mindlessly destroying.
Meanwhile, Rudy blows too.
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Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing. Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.