Humor Times, Feb. 2020

Impeachment is “indispensable ... for defending the Community [against] the incapacity, negligence or perfidy of the chief Magistrate.” – James Madison Issue #334

February, 2020

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Editor’s Letter

Trumpian Dystopia Consumes the Media and its Cartoons!

Since his election, Trump news has consumed the media in all its varied forms. Especially now, with the impeachment and trial, this is what gets addressed by the nation’s news outlets, and that includes its editorial cartoonists.

We realize the monotony of this singular subject may be getting a little old for many of you.

We try to break up the publication into different topics as much as we can – Republicans in general, Democrats, the upcoming Election, Media, Foreign Affairs, Environment, Economy, etc. But even within those subjects, Trump’s actions can weasel their way in and somehow take over. It’s like he’s messing with the national psyche, saying, “I’m the greatest news maker ever, just try and ignore me! You can’t!”

We hope that all our readers will soldier through this Trumpian dystopia along with the rest of us! Hopefully, the 2020 election will release us from this interminable hell.

Meanwhile, as we go to press with this February issue, the so-called “trial” in the so-called “most deliberative body in the world” has just begun. It was, naturally, a disappointing commencement, with a party-line vote of 53-47 against including witnesses and documents at the start of the proceedings. The Democrats appear determined to bring it up again, and if you believe in miracles, it’s still possible four Republican Senators will go along and vote for a real trial – that is, one with witnesses and documentary evidence. Don’t hold your breath.

Republicans are marching in lock-step to try and rush through an acquittal of Trump’s abuse of power, with their lawyers – all “TV-ready” former Clinton impeachment lawyers, it seems – arguing that impeachment itself is somehow unconstitutional. Of course, it is as constitutional as anything can be, a remedy instituted by the framers precisely to protect our republic from a wannabee monarch with unchecked power. It is, in fact, what separates us from the European systems of government from which we came.

Trump’s hand-picked lawyers, as well as his wholly-owned “jurors” (Moscow Mitch McConnell et al), who are breaking their oaths to “do impartial justice” publicly and without remorse, are also trying to assert that there was no “crime” committed. This is a completely vacuous argument on so many levels.

For one thing, when the Constitution was adopted, there weren’t even any federal statutes for anyone to violate. For another, in the Federalist papers and elsewhere, the Founders made it quite clear that abuse of power and dereliction of duty was enough to impeach.

According to preeminent Alexander Hamilton biographer Ron Chernow, Hamilton was trying to protect the country from someone with demagogic tendencies. “From the outset, Hamilton feared an unholy trinity of traits in a future president – ambition, avarice and vanity,” Chernow wrote last month in The Washington Post. Sound like any one you know?

Hamilton is also quoted as saying that impeachment should be used as a remedy for “the misconduct of public men, or, in other words, from the abuse or violation of some public trust.”

James Madison saw the Impeachment Clause as “indispensable ... for defending the Community [against] the incapacity, negligence or perfidy of the chief Magistrate.”

Constitutional scholars Neil J. Kinkopf and Keith E. Whittington have said that, “The Framers meant for the phrase ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ to signify only conduct that seriously harms the public and seriously compromises the officer’s ability to continue.”

In any case, it’s clear that we are in largely uncharted waters here, a grave time in the history of our nation. Our role, here at the Humor Times, is to provide a little comic relief to such seriousness. We hope you will continue to support us in our endeavor, and keep your subscription current. While you’re at it, why not give subscriptions, that others may discover a way to keep their sense of humor through these crazy times too?

We thank you!

– James Israel, Editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 29, Issue 334, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)

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Contributors: Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2020. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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February, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

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President Senate on Trial: A Cartoon Odyssey Continues It was a solemn occasion...

and Republicans did their best to make it go smoothly.

The president insisted he’d done nothing wrong...

They swore an oath to be impartial...

and his party’s leadership agreed.

but history may judge them more harshly than the president.

even finding a new gear to rush things along. (continued) Mitch McConnell has been predictable...

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

The prez assembled a TV-ready “Dream Team”...

as the head juror got prepared to “do impartial justice.”

They complained about a sham impeachment...

saying there was nothing to see here.

Sure, he’s a little eccentric, they said...

but let the poor guy do his thing.

Let him get back to work, they said...

February, 2020

there’s lots left to do. (conclusion pg. 7)

HUMOR TIMES

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An Update on Our Good Friend Will Durst We do not have a new Will Durst column for you this month, as Mr. Durst was hospitalized after suffering a stroke backstage before a scheduled performance at the Presidio Theatre in San Francisco on Oct. 7th. He is currently in a skilled nursing facility getting rehab. The beloved comedian has postponed all appearances for the first time in his long career.

As the S.F. Chronicle reported, “On the night he was stricken, Durst was waiting to take the stage as part of the 60th anniversary celebration for the San Francisco Mime Troupe. Another performer noticed Durst having trouble moving and suggested he go to the emergency room. ‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘I need to tell my jokes.’”

Shortly after, an ambulance took him to the hospital.

His wife, Debi Durst, herself a longtime standup comedian, told the Humor Times on January 20th that Will is now doing much better, saying, “He’s out of the hospital and in a skilled nursing facility to get rehab. He’s getting PT, OT and speech therapy every day and is progressing, albeit slowly. He’s got some work to do to get the left

6

side of his body working WILL DURST again, but I’ve started some acupuncture therapy as well.”

Debi said that Will’s spirits are good, adding, “He never lost the ability to speak, and his sense of humor is intact.”

“He is upset for sure about not being able to be onstage right now during all this political mess,” she said. “But I’m bringing his laptop to him daily and he’s beginning to make notes on what’s going on. To say nothing of the fact that he’ll probably have an entirely new one-man show about this whole experience.”

That’s our Will! Heal up soon – the world needs your unequaled wit and sharp-as-a-tack political satire, now, more than ever! – Ed.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

Senate on Trial (conclusion) The prez lives in his own world...

and distraction is his middle name.

Things are looking up, he says...

and it seems he just can’t lose.

Supreme Court Justice Roberts is presiding...

and it’s not just the president who’s on trial.

February, 2020

but in the end, the people will judge...

Whatever happens, Trump now joins a very exclusive club.

HUMOR TIMES

7

Toasty The new year may have started in the dead of winter...

Australia continues to burn...

but it already feels quite warm.

and even denialists are feeling the heat.

Scientists keep warning us...

but fossil fools continue business as usual.

For them, if there’s money to be made... everything else is secondary.

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

Lefties Dems were ecstatic...

but they only won a battle, not the war.

They rushed the articles over...

but knew they had much more to do.

Unfortunately, things are looking up...

yet hope springs eternal.

They must first pick a nominee...

February, 2020

and try not to blow it.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

‘Wheel of Fortune’ Host Pat Sajak Snubs Blond

By Dave Richards BURBANK, CA — In a move that shocked the television viewing world, “Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak flirted with a hideously ugly contestant, and in the process, snubbed a gorgeous blond contestant.

An audible gasp could be heard coming from the television studio audience as they witnessed history in the making. The strange behavior from America’s favorite game show host even had the show’s producers puzzled. “We knew something was seriously wrong. Pat never flirts with any-

one but the blond bombshells,” said Amy Wheeler, one of the show’s long-time producers. “We really didn’t know what to do at the moment, so we quickly cut to commercial.”

The bombshell in question, Rose Cook of Falls Church, Virginia, was visibly distraught. “I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. Do you know how many Facebook likes I get when I change my profile picture? Well, do you?” Sajak didn’t have much to say to Cook during the taping either. When Cook failed to make the bonus round, Sajak said to Cook, “Here’s some party gifts now hit the bricks.”

An explanation of the horrifying event was given in a press release by Sajak’s publicist: “Mr. Sajak wasn’t feeling well and took a little too much cold medicine.

Pat would like to apologize to his many adoring fans. He is at home resting and promises to be back to his old self soon.”

Despite the melee, “Wheel of Fortune” had their best ratings ever with a .76 share, slightly edging out HGTV’s “Love It Or List It.”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

FTC Threatens Fox News with Heavy Fines

By Rick Blum In a surprise press conference, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) accused Fox News of consumer fraud, and ordered it to remedy the illegal practice or face substantial fines.

FTC Chairman Joseph J. Simons stated, “The FTC has completed an extensive review of Fox News broadcasts from January through December 2019 and found that having the word ‘News’ in its name is misleading consumers.

“In truth, we found that an overwhelming number of stories aired by the network have little relationship to what is actually happening in the real world. We suggest a more appropriate name for the network might be Fox Fantasies or Fox Fabrications or, even, Fox Fictions.”

Fox News quickly broadcast a story that described the FTC as having issued a “glowing report” of the station’s operations, amidst a stream of dubious stories promulgated by competitors known collectively as the “fakestream” media.

Less than five minutes after this story was aired, President Trump tweeted, “FTC praise of Fox News is SUPER GREAT! However, its

threat to fine them IS BIGLY BAD!!! As such, I have just called Chairman Simons and said to him ‘YOUR FIRED!!!’ I have appointed Kelley Ann Conway as acting chairman based on her extensive experience with DECEPTIVE practices that the FTC protects US against.”

Ten minutes later, Ms. Conway appeared on the White House lawn before a phalanx of reporters to deliver the following statement. “As acting commissioner of the FTC, I have rescinded the threatened fine in favor of a proclamation praising Fox News for its unerring efforts to bring the real news to its loyal audience.

“Furthermore, I have determined that CNN is actually the broadcaster guilty of the charges unfairly leveled at Fox News, and thus must immediately be renamed FNN – the Fake News Network.”

A flustered CNN correspondent Jim Acosta then demanded an explanation as to why CNN was singled out.

Ms. Conway smiled widely and said, “Sorry Jim, but I can’t answer your question until you get a White House press pass under your new employer, FNN.”

Businessman Trump: Putin Paying $1 Billion to Bomb Ukraine

By Michael Egan WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump announced today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles, or one billion dollars American, to bomb Ukraine. Most of the money, he noted, will go towards building his “great wall” between the US and Mexico.

“Listen, a gig’s a gig,” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn, “and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles, even at current exchange rates! We have the finest military in the world, thanks to our taxpayers, and at the moment, most of it is just lying there useless and idle, apart from in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, northern Africa, western Europe, south-east Asia and Venezuela. Oops, scratch that last one, I never said that. Fake news!”

Trump revealed that he was approached by Putin soon after announcing that the US had hired out its “unused troops and tanks” to Saudi Arabia for “our standard going fee, a billion dollars plus tax.”

He went on: “Why not hire out the military to the highest bidder?

That’s one of the ways you run a country like a business, believe me.”

Responding to a question, the President said that Putin’s payment was “currently in a bank in the Caymans or maybe Panama,” which he refused to name because of “national security concerns.” He noted that he himself would “of course” be deducting a “modest but perfectly normal, ethical and appropriate finder’s fee,” though he declined to say how much because of “executive privilege.”

As he boarded Marine One Trump shouted: “But tell Zelensky that if he suddenly finds something on Biden or maybe Sanders I’ll call off the bombing. Some things are more important than money, you know!”

Kim Jong-Un Demands Restraining Order on Trump

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Michael Egan HAGUE — North Korean strongman Kim Jong-Un announced at a press conference today that he was filing for a restraining order against “temporary US President” Donald Trump.

Trump immediately responded on Twitter by calling Kim a traitor and “Little Rocket Man.” “When I dumped Trump last June,” the Dear Leader explained, “the meongcheongh an olaedoen tadeu (stupid old dotard) flushed 10 or 15 times. He begged me not to do it.”

He laughed without moving his lips. Attending officers tittered, then quickly grew silent.

“Every other day it’s this phone call and that phone call, when can I see you, I’ve been missing you so much, I’m sure if we could just look into each other’s eyes we’d fall in love all over again, beulla beulla (blah blah).”

Kim added bitterly: “But I know he doesn’t really love me. I’m just another pussy for him to grab, just another sleazy international distraction, like Iran, from his main squeeze.”

“No, not Melania, you fool!” Kim snapped at a reporter who immediately apologized. “I mean Vladimir, who else? Trump’s fascinated by his wealth and power, not to mention his bare chest. I suppose you realize they’re plotting to take over the world together, right? Well, you suckers will soon find out.”

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles that smell like her vagina I’m tempted to say “that’s nuts” but, apparently, that’s her husband’s line of candles!

The Pope apologized for slapping a woman on the wrist at an event Damn, I thought a slap on the wrist was something re se rved f or pedophile priests.

Happy 39th birthday, Pitbull Or, 273 in Pitbull years.

Willie Nelson gave up smoking weed ... but I, for one, I’m betting he’ll forget.

They’re bringing back Thirtysomething Which now refers to the amount of times the characters get up in the middle of the night to pee.

Putin criticizes Democrats for impeaching Trump – WSJ Apparently, he didn’t take an extended warranty on his purchase.

Meghan and Harry waxworks removed from Royal family display at Madame Tussaud’s While Prince Andrew’s snuck off to the Spice Girls exhibit.

KellyAnne Conway’s husband, George Conway, is going after Trump again So, it’s Conway versus Twitty!

Trump reaches out to North Korea in bid to resume nuclear talks Makes sense, Trump does have a weakness for the Jung Uns.

One of America’s oldest and largest milk producers files for bankruptcy … udderly speechless …

Iranian official tells Trump not to ‘dishonor’ Persian language by tweeting in Farsi While the Brits ought to tell him the same thing about English.

Manuel Sanchez, a Spanish reporter working for Sputnik News, has reportedly died after falling out of a window in Moscow … so, natural causes …

New research finds Jupiter is flinging asteroids at Earth Hey, Earth, get on it, the only way to stop a bad planet flinging asteroids is with a good planet flinging asteroids.

No women nominated for Best Director … unless they’re hiding in Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

Trump Orders Movie Version of ‘Unreadable’ Constitution

By Michael Egan WASHINGTON DC — President Trump said today that the US Constitution is “unreadable, like it’s written in a foreign language.” He added: “Donald J Trump is calling for a movie version of the U.S. Constitution until we can figure out what the hell is going on!”

“All those ‘thuses’ and ‘wherefores’ and ‘whatsoevers,’” he grumbled.

The President insisted that what America and the world really needs is a sexy movie version of the Constitution “with lots of jokes and action so viewers don’t get bored. I’m especially looking forward to the 2nd Amendment scene, bang, bang you’re dead on Fifth Avenue, ha! ha!”

Trump noted that the movie he envisioned would of course have no impeachment clause — “Impeachment! There’s another liberal hack word!” — and an “expanded” version of Article II, showing clearly how it does indeed allow any Republican president to do whatever he wants.

“After my acquittal in the Senate, Fox News has promised it will be shown daily, all the way through the election and into January 2021.

That way the American people will finally understand what Jesus and our great Constitution have ultimately given unto us: Moi, Don Jr and Ivanka — the Father, the Son and… well, I’ve gotta have some fun too, haven’t I?”

A Legal Dream Team?

By John C. Wade Breaking News: In a surprising reversal, President Trump announced today that he had fired his “Legal Dream Team” of Alan Dershowitz, the Harvard law professor emeritus, and Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S solicitor general best known for heading up the investigation of the Clinton Administration.

The move was completely unexpected, since the president had just added them to his team.

The president had been looking for some high profile lawyers with name recognition, and since the impeachment proceedings are to be televised, he felt he needed TV-ready players.

However, Trump changed his mind shortly after meeting with the two lawyers in the Oval Office.

The president announced that he had fired Dershowitz because he didn’t want him to be the face of his legal team. “Look at that face.

Dershowitz looks like the crypt keeper,” he reportedly said.

Trump went on to declare that he was also firing Starr who he had decided was a schmuck.

He indicated was looking to obtain lawyers whose judicial accomplishments were so great that they had been documented in film.

One candidate was flamboyant fellow New Yorker Vinni Gambini, aka Jerry Gallo, aka Jerry Callo. “My good friend Judge Chamberlain Haller down in Alabama said that Mr. Gambini is one helluva lawyer, which is true.”

The president had also been eying the Harvard trained defense lawyer Elle Woods, because “she’s in such good shape. Beautiful.

Definitely a ten.”

Trump then further shocked the press by when he mentioned Atticus Finch. “Finch got that guy off for killing a mockingbird,” the president said. “He won the case bigly.”

Trump said he’d discuss it with his trusted advisors, Rudy Giuliani and Vladimir Putin.

February, 2020

The Enablers Congressional Republicans know their place...

On Screen Gervais tore Tinsel Town a new one at the Golden Globes...

but Oscars are reserved for the very best performers. and they know genius when they see it.

Meanwhile, the media keeps evolving...

So they’re all doing their part...

and we’d better, too. to keep the party going.

February, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

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The Prez Evangelicals continue to express their devotion...

and pray about Trump.

The prez never misses a promotional opportunity...

His followers believe he’s the best ever...

and so does he.

But there is a limit to their patience...

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and always keeps his promises.

and to his.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

Trumpoleon The stable genius tried his hand at warmongering...

and he nailed it, says his dutiful Secretary of State.

He may have provoked a dangerous enemy...

but said he had good reasons.

His advisors tried to warn him... and Pompeo agreed the strategy was sound.

Much like previous U.S. efforts at gamesmanship...

February, 2020

it will no doubt end well. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

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The Hightower Lowdown The president has always been anti-war...

except when he’s not.

Doing the Tax Dodge Tap Dance Sen. Russell Long, the powerful Senate Finance Committee chair from 1966 to 1981 from the great state of Louisiana, liked to recite a little jingle highlighting the thorny political process of tax dodge reform: “Don’t tax you. Don’t tax me. Tax that man behind the tree.”

Yes, let’s do just that! Today, our nominee for “that man behind the tree” is the superrich — the 0.1%. Over the past 40 years or so, these plutocratic elites have used their political clout to create a radical level of wealth inequality that is tearing our country apart. The gap has become a chasm, separating the lavish fortunes of a privileged few from the well-being of the many. Currently, this small fraction of our country now owns the same amount of wealth as the bottom 90% of our country — a statistic that has not been seen in our country since prior to World War II. This wealth gap is antithetical to our people’s democratic ideals, fundamentally unjust and socially destructive — in a word, un-American.

In large part, the fortunate few have amassed and expanded their vast fortunes by hiding in the forest of tax policies that let them avoid paying their fair share. Of course, doing the tax dodge tap dance is complicated, requiring sophisticated techniques and tricky maneuvers perpetrated by a large but secretive industry of pricy tax lawyers, lobbyists, wealth managers and other fixers to exploit special exemptions, convoluted loopholes and arcane breaks. This avoidance industry also provides uberrich clients with a wide selection of underground channels ranging from exotic offshore tax shelters to the ultimate dodge: renouncing U.S. citizenship.

For a lesson on how to tap-dance around one’s tax obligation, follow the lead of Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and White House senior adviser. A 2018 New York Times investigation reveals that a few years prior to becoming a Trump operative, Kushner and his family’s real estate corporation spent billions buying up properties, quintupling Kushner’s net worth to almost $324 million.

Yet, according to financial documents, the lucky lad appears to have paid little or no federal income tax from 2009 through 2016!

JIM HIGHTOWER Why? Largely because a special tax break allows big-time developers to take depreciation deductions for losses caused by wear and tear on their properties. But — watch the fancy footwork here — various buildings owned by Kushner appear to have suffered no actual losses and, in fact, have likely increased in value. The trick is that the depreciation provision assumes such properties decline in value every year, even when they clearly do not.

Then came a spectacular buck-and-wing dance move: The law allows developers themselves to calculate depreciation — and the IRS almost never audits those claims. In 2015, for example, Kushner pocketed $1.7 million in income but claimed $8.3 million in losses from “significant depreciation” in his real estate holdings. Another break allows developers to dodge capital gains taxes when they make a profit selling property. That income, if used within a short time to buy other properties, is not taxed. So — voila! — tax law subsidizes them to accumulate yet more wealth and do the tax-dodge dance on an even bigger scale. The Times found that this break helped the Kushners profit from more than $2 billion in real estate sales yet helped Jared Kushner avoid taxes on that income.

Once ensconced in the White House, Kushner promptly helped his daddy-in-law pass a big package of new corporate tax breaks. Surprisingly, there were real reforms that eliminated some of the capital gains flimflam from which both he and Trump had long profited.

Unsurprisingly, the Kushner-Trump “reform” included an exception that allows one particular business group to keep profiting from the flimflam: real estate developers.

And that, children, is how the rich become superrich.

But leave it all to the stable genius...

he has a plan.

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

Holidaze

MegHarexit

The holidays came and went...

The British media really know how to keep the heat on...

and we met the new year, same as the old year.

and they’ve really done it this time...

But somehow, the anticipation seemed muted.

though the change could be short lived.

After all the partying, MLK always brings us back to earth.

February, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

Or… if we’re lucky, it could spread!

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2020

February, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

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