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June, 2020
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HUMOR TIMES
Free your mind and the rest will follow www.aofonline.org 916-304-3796 3
Long, Hard Slog After two long months, it was almost a relief...
but things are getting crazy.
From working at home...
to home schooling...
to missing out on driving while gas is cheap...
to the lack of sports...
to the over-abundance of hair...
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no one was spared the angst. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2020
Meanwhile, the gov’t response was terrible in every way...
including loopholes you could drive a boardroom through.
The hoped-for bounce-back could land like a thud... and the food chain is threatened.
The Senate Leader says he’s happy to help...
until it’s time to put up or shut up.
Meanwhile, needed surveillance is a slippery slope... so staying vigilant is a must. (continued)
June, 2020
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The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Coronavirus Task Force By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I have in s tu dio m e m b e r s o f th e n e wl y fo rmed Coronavirus Task Force. They are President Donald Trump, Vice President Mike Pence, Dr. Deborah Birx and comedian Pee-wee Herman. PEE-WEE HERMAN: (laughs) We’re 6 feet apa rt. HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. JERRY: President Donald Trump. DONALD TRUMP: No collusion. No obstruction. Fake news. JERRY: Vice President Mike Pence. MIKE PENCE: Let me quote the Bible. “And Balaam rose up in the morning and saddled his ass.” TRUMP: Sounds like the day after a wild night at Mar-a-Lago. DR. DEBORAH BIRX: We need to quarantine Balaam for 14 days. He tested positive for
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coronavirus. JERRY: Lots there to digest. But let’s start with testing. There are not enough tests to reopen the entire economy. TRUMP: Not everybody needs to be tested. Waste of money. Waste of money. The coronavirus will disappear. PENCE: No, Mr. President. We need testing. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. TRUMP: Good point. Love my Veep. Love my Veep. BIRX: We can use thermometers. JERRY: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? BIRX: The taste. HERMAN: (laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. JERRY: Pee-wee. I understand you have an announcement to make. HERMAN: Yeah. The Pee-wee line of clothing is discounted now in stores. In fact, my pants are half off. JERRY: Dr. Birx. What is your Task Force doing to get rid of the coronavirus? BIRX: We’re going to have social distancing
for the next 8 months. Everyone will be 6 feet apart. Also, face masks must be worn indefinitely at grocery stores, restaurants, hair salons, nail salons and barber shops. HERMAN: What if I want to rob a bank? BIRX: You need to wear a face mask. TRUMP: I won’t wear one. It makes me look like I care about the virus instead of the economy. People need to go back to work. Meat packers especially, so I can have McDonald’s cheeseburgers and KFC chicken. Meat packing plants are essential. JERRY: You aren’t, Trumpster. TRUMP: I agree. Furloughed myself so I can watch Fox News. Virus out of Wuhan lab, Dr. Fauci is a dictator, coronavirus goes away with Lysol in jec tion. Bril liant minds. Bril liant minds. JERRY: No proof. TRUMP: Okay. Coronavirus was from a fortune cookie at Panda Express. JERRY: No. TRUMP: A 500 pound bat hanging upside down in a cave somewhere in Wisconsin. BIRX: Mr. Vice President. This question is for you.
HUMOR TIMES
Coronavirus Task Force.
PENCE: Sure. BIRX: Why is working at McDonald’s like being an archeologist in Athens? PENCE: I don’t know. BIRX: You end up smelling like ancient grease. HERMAN: (laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. I’m going to steal that joke for a sequel to Pee-wee’s Playhouse. PENCE: Thou shall not steal, Pee-wee. HERMAN: Veep. I’m not the one that works in the White House. (laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. JERRY: See you tomorrow everyone. (c) Dean B. Kaner
June, 2020
Slog (conclusion)
Earth Century
Urgent warnings came early...
Earth Day was celebrated in isolation this year...
and the administration says it made the best use of them. and someone keeps turning up the heat.
Now it’s come home to roost...
Think of it as an Earth virus, if that’s what it takes...
and we’re back to square one. to get people to change their ways.
June, 2020
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Crisis Actor As the country suffered, Trump bragged...
but now he’s just running up the score.
He’s got a really big brain, he likes to say...
and it really shines.
He’s not shy about spouting anything that comes to mind...
but he probably should be.
but the admiration isn’t mutual. (continued) Doctors and scientists are impressed, he says...
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2020
He tried to warn us...
and distract us...
relying on his V.P...
and on the “best people.”
We’re lucky to have him, he says...
and we should throw him a parade.
but some things are best forgotten. Meanwhile, the invisible enemy is always on his mind...
June, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
After 33 Years, Waldo Hunter Triumphant By David Suter If anything good could possibly result from the Coronavirus pandemic currently holding the world hostage, it was this. After an exhaustive 33 year search, social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream.
“I try a different book every day,” the 52-year-old unemployed French fry chef in a MAGA hat said, from the basement of his parents’ home in Creighton, Kentucky. “I’ve been through all of them a million times. Then yesterday I opened up my Where’s Waldo NOW, for the ten-millionth time, and BAM! All of a sudden there he was, plain as day right there in ‘Waldo Goes Downtown!’ It was like a miracle!” “I even found the naked lady once,” he continued, referring to the famous topless sunbather in the 1987 edition that got the book banned by a school library on Long Island. “But I was beginning to think Waldo was just made up by the liberals, like the Crayolavirus, except that my mom has found him in almost every single picture ever. So I just kept looking.” The self-styled “King of Wally Watchers” went on to explain his ultimate success as a result of social distancing. “Really it’s easier now because all of the people in the pictures have to stay six feet apart because of the fake virus” Mr. Thromb said he has written President Trump asking him to issue an executive order declaring him “The Official Waldo King of the World.” President Trump tweeted later in the day, “My 96% approval rating is protecting Americans from Sleepy Joe Biden’s fake CHINESE Waldos!” He also tweeted: “LIBERATE THROMB!” and “MAKE WALDO GREAT AGAIN!”
Trump Orders Manufacture of Bidets: Big TP Furious By Evan Helmlinger President Trump on Thursday invoked the Defense Production Act to order the nation’s manufacturers to begin making bidets for the public. The toilet paper industry has condemned the move, saying it threatens business. A spokesperson commented, “It’s an American tradition to roll up your sleeves and do the work yourself. Our proud industry reflects that.” Buying toilet paper has become extremely difficult for many households due to the outbreak of the coronavirus. The bidets are thought to be a solution to the issue. Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams has supported the move and urged the American people to use the bidets in order to “prevent another public health crisis on our hands.” He continued, “Let me assure everyone right now by saying, hey, using a bidet is not that bad. You get used to it and it feels kinda nice.” Support for the bidet subsidies has not been universal, with many supporting the toilet paper lobby. According to Jerry Whype, a hardware store owner from Indiana, “This is another attempt by elites to turn the US into the EU!” President Trump is expected to sign the order on an accelerated schedule. The reason, an anonymous source says: “The White House has been unable to procure toilet paper for weeks. Their supply is running dangerously low.”
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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Battle for a Female Running Mate for Joe Biden to ‘Dr. Seuss Prophecies’ be Settled on Upcoming Episode of AEW Dynamite Revealed for First Time By Ted Holland Already signed up In an exclusive are top competitors report, our Washington Kamala Harris, Stacey political correspondent Abrams, Elizabeth WarLance Gutter reveals ren, Amy Klobuchar, that the heated battle to Keisha Lance Bottoms, select a dynamic and Val Demings, Gretchen viable female running Whitmer and Catherine mate for Democratic Cortez Masto. Presidential candidate Oprah Winfrey was Joe Biden will be setinvited to compete, but tled on an upcoming declined, stating that episode of the profes- “Handsy Joe” has reportedly volunteered to “rub because of her Weight the shoulders” of contestants between rounds. sional wrestling proWatchers diet she gram “All Elite Wrestling Dynamite.” couldn’t make fighting weight. The leading candidates for the position will Michelle Obama also declined, stating that compete in a “Mississippi Double Mud Battle since her husband was out of work and she Royale.” The match will be held in steel cage, in could not take the pay cut. a ring filled with mud. Hillary Clinton also opted out after Biden To be eliminated, a competitor must be would not agree to the stipulation that if she thrown over the top ring rope, then out of the won, she would become co-President. steel cage and into a surrounding mud moat. The event is to be refereed by Sarah Palin.
Biden to Run on Mediocrity By David Suter In the 1920 presidential election following the end of WWI, Warren G. Harding ran on the slogan “Return to Normalcy.” “America’s present need,” Mr. Harding urged, “is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums, but normalcy… not the dramatic, but the dispassionate.” 2020 presumptive democratic presidential nominee and steadfast advocate of dispassion, Joe Biden, is following in Harding’s footsteps with a contemporary twist of his own, today unveiling his campaign slogan, “Return to Mediocrity.” “I know I’m no hot shakes,” Mr. Biden said from his home in Wilmington, DE. “But mediocrity is so astronomically far above the current president that I really don’t see any reason to do any heavy lifting, like striving for excellence in this campaign. Let Trump be Trump and let me be me and this one’s in the bag.” Most political strategists contacted by the Humor Times agree. “Do you own a television?” former presidential policy advisor Merle Love asked. “Just watch Trump. The Lunatic-in-Chief is beating himself to death with a podium and a cell phone and those incoherent late night Twitter rants and his Dr. Dumbass medical advice. Just setting the bar at mediocre puts this thing well out of
Trump’s reach.” Marcus Pressman, known in political circles as “The Touch of Electoral Death” for never having worked on a winning campaign in a career spanning more than 30 years, laughed. “Sounds like something I’d come up with, but this year it’s perfect. “ “It’s a mathematical fact that half the people in this country are below average,” he explained. “That is Trump’s base. The president is the foundation of that base. The foundation, of course, is at the very bottom, below the base. A rise to presidential mediocrity would be an absolute Godsend for this country.” The Trump campaign issued this statement: “Mr. Trump will not rise to this bait and adopt mediocrity as a personal aspiration. This is obviously a democratic ploy to make him seem snobbish and elitist.” The president tweeted, “RESIST THE RISE TO MEDIOCRENESS. TRUMP 2020! MAKE AMERICA MINE AGAIN!!!”
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Judge rules strip club workers qualify for PPP payment … but the payments will all have to be made in one-dollar bills. Bigamy no longer a felony in Utah Looking forward to The Bachelor: Utah’ where the Bachelor just gives everyone a rose in the first ep i sode and then marries all the women contestants.
COSTCO limiting how much meat you can buy as food shortage looms So instead of dinner for 137 you can now only buy enough for dinner for 84.
By Ralph Lombard A never-before-seen compilation of Dr. Seuss poetry and prose, “The Dr. Seuss Prophecies,” has recently been unearthed by literary detective Noah “Scoop” Hunter.
The journalist, who had spent years tracking the collection down, finally located it lodged deeply between a rock and a hard place on Mulberry Street in Seuss’s whometown of Whoville. Excerpts from some of the most uncanny predictions in this remarkable poetic anthology are given here. Trump the Grump “Do you dump upon the chumps?” “I do, I do, I’m Trump the Grump! I like to dump and thump and hump!” “And what of Pence upon the fence? Will he commence his ignorance And do a dance to all your rants?” “He will, he will, yes he will jump! Until he falls upon his rump Into the clump of all my chumps. They do, they do, I’m Trump the Grump!” We Didn’t Think We didn’t think, we didn’t mind, The more on TV, the more he whined. We couldn’t look, we didn’t like, But still we chose a crazy psyche. You panic, Ironic, We all manic for moronic! Fat Cat in the Hat Fat cat in the hat, What fun he will bring, While slinging his mud Around the West Wing! Fat cat in the hat, In heat and in hate, F**ks everything up And then calls it “Great!”
Kim Jong Un: 7-Up Endorsement Deal By Ralph Lombard To add to all of the swirling rumors and growing confusion concerning Kim Jong Un’s current state of health and whereabouts, it has now been reported that he has recently entered into a commercial endorsement deal for the popular soft drink, 7-up.
Pence press secretary and Stephen Miller’s wife, Katie Miller, tested positive for coronavirus Miller’s not wor ried. The only things that can kill him are garlic, sunlight and piñatas.
Lamborghini to showcase a new car because of the coronavirus It goes from zero to never leaving your garage in no seconds flat.
Fauci: No scientific evidence the coronavirus was made in a Chinese lab … speaking of ‘Made in China’ anyone seen Ivanka?
Nicholas Cage slated to play Joe Exotic in ‘Tiger King’ flick So, if Cage plays Exotic, he’ll have to turn down the crazy from just being himself.
New Trump slogan: ‘Transition to Greatness’ Ok, I can’t be only one who thinks ‘Transition to Greatness’ sounds less like a campaign slogan and more like a reality show for Caitlyn Jenner.
“It’s no different than a swimsuit”: Jessie James Decker defends wearing her underwear in front of her kids it also explains all those Amazon deliveries showing up when she didn’t order anything.
Are you ready for the Murder Hornets? And, what’s Trump going do about the them, tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent?
Evidence casts doubt on Tara Reade’s sexual assault allegations of Joe Biden It’s starting to look like Tara Reade is Russian for Jussie Smollett…
New poll finds 29% of Americans believe a vaccine already exists to prevent COVID-19 These are the same people who believe you can’t put on weight if you eat off someone else’s plate…
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
HUMOR TIMES
The agreement, according to unnamed sources, will feature the North Korean leader in several thirty-second spots touting the lemon-lime soda as the “Kim Jong Un-Cola,” with the slogan: “Thermonuclear thirst demands thermonuclear refreshment!” Some experts see this as yet another indication of North Korea‘s desire to become more “westernized,” while others believe that Kim Jong Un has now gone completely mad, and intends to name the soda as his successor. President Trump, not to be outdone, is now seeking his own soft drink endorsement. According to presidential aides, they may have already found the perfect fit for Trump in Fanta Orange.
June, 2020
Sweetest November The options may be limited...
but they’re plowing ahead with the election anyway.
Trump is confident he’s made a great impression...
and is preparing his campaign...
planning to run on his record.
Voters will have the final say...
if they can stay healthy...
June, 2020
and have their votes counted.
HUMOR TIMES
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Grand Re-Opening Protesters were adamant...
that they had rights.
They had important stuff to do...
so they pressed their case.
Governors listened, saying reopening was a good bet...
and that the time was now...
to start the celebration...
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no matter what. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2020
The main point seemed to be getting missed...
in the rush to get it over with.
Trump embraced the cheerleader role...
when what we needed was a real leader.
and it was final. The Wisconsin Supreme Court made a life and death decision...
with the rest of the country ready to jump in. So, Wisconsin is ahead of the curve...
June, 2020
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The Hightower Lowdown
Hunted
Trump’s ‘Plan’ to ‘Rescue’ the Public Postal Service What kind of country is this?
When racists are free to kill without fear of arrest?
It’s a kind of America white folks can hardly imagine...
Of all the things the brooding madman in the White House might focus on during a pandemic, hijacking our public postal service has become his priority. One thing we’ve learned for sure this year is that no national crisis is too awful to keep Trump & Company from exploiting it for their plutocratic political purposes. Obviously, COVID-19 is a god-awful crisis, having killed more than 55,000 Americans so far while also killing most of the U.S. economy. It couldn’t be worse. But late one night, deep inside the White House, a dim bulb flickered in our present president’s head: “Eureka,” Donald Trump exclaimed, “here’s our chance to kill the U.S. post office!” Yes, of all the things this brooding madman might focus on during a devastating pandemic, hijacking our public postal service, bankrupting it and then privatizing its profitable functions has become a top priority for him. Bizarrely, Trump has long been fixated on and flustered by matters of postal management. Specifically, he rants that the post office should charge higher prices for us customers to ship packages, and he bemoans the fact that postal workers are unionized and earn middle-class wages. In February, with our economy collapsing under the weight of COVID-19, Trump struck. Like nearly every business, the Postal Service had suffered a crushing loss of customers and needed emergency funding to keep America’s mail moving. Congress quickly proposed a bipartisan $13 billion postal lifeline as part of its $2 trillion national rescue package. But that gave our personally piqued president the rope he needed to throttle the agency. No, he said, threatening to kill the whole bill if it included a grant to save the public post office. The U.S. mail service, however, is enormously popular and an essential part of our nation’s economic and social infrastructure, so Trump can’t just blatantly choke off its survival funds. Instead, he’s taking the agency hostage, offering to provide a $10 billion “loan” from the Treasury Department — contingent on the public entity agreeing to his draconian demands that it raise postal prices, gut postal unions and cut postal services. Trump’s provisos are postal poison pills, for they would destroy the agency’s morale and service, undermine popular support, and clear the political path for profiteering corporations to seize, privatize and plunder this public treasure. Here’s how I feel about the value of our na-
JIM HIGHTOWER tion’s postal service: “The humble Post Office is a community fixture, a civic inheritance, a rural lifeline, and one of the last vestiges of a shared civic culture in America. Tolerate it, treasure it, and don’t let the vicissitudes of global capitalism, contempt for government, or a viral outbreak take it away.” Those are my sentiments but not my words. They’re from an April 17 article in The American Conservative magazine that calls on people of all political persuasions to save this vital public institution. The men and women of the postal service have been steadfast in their duties, especially in times of national emergencies such as wars, financial crashes and plagues, literally delivering for the American people. In today’s terrible pandemic, as corporate executives and government officials shut their doors, some 600,000 of these workers have kept communication and commerce flowing. No matter who you are, how rich or poor, living in teeming inner cities or isolated rural reaches, postal employees are on the job so you and I can get our mail, medicine, food, household necessities, election ballots and other basics brought right to our doors. A stamp is cheap, yet the wear, tear and cost of the postal workforce can be high — for example, about 1,200 of them have been infected by COVID-19, and at least 44 have died. Yet, the entire public system is now under direct attack by an outbreak of Trumpista vitriolitus, an inexplicable form of personal animosity emanating from the White House. By controlling a $10 billion line of credit the post office must have to get through the current coronavirus depression, Trump is demanding cuts in wages, benefits and rights from our stalwart postal workers; authority over hiring top postal officials; and the right to raise postal rates. To help stop Trump’s power play to set himself up as America’s postal potentate and privatizer in chief, get information and campaign resources from the American Postal Workers Union and visit USMailNotFor Sale.org.
and one that no one should have to live in any more.
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2020
Laying Low
Media Follies It’s been a desert for reliable information out there...
The presumptive nominee has been safely tucked away...
and you’re liable to hear all kinds of things... allowing his opponent to be the one making gaffes...
much of it nonsensical... until he had to go on the defensive.
At least there’s one “scandal” he doesn’t have to worry about.
June, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
or just plain deceptive.
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Still the Prez Trump relies on his son-in-law to keep him rooted...
on Mitch McConnell to keep him puffed up...
He loves to think history will treat him “bigly”... and on his personal lawyer, er, Atty General to keep him safe.
but says Lincoln had it easy compared to him.
He’s not crowing about the economy so much anymore...
but is pretty sure the Supreme Court is on his side...
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HUMOR TIMES
and that he’ll get an extension on his reality show.
June, 2020
June, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
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Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.
We will see you on the other side of this crisis – stay safe and healthy! Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing. Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
California Stage Theater Creations
The e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” contains 99 stories by Barry Fiegel which is available for $9.99 on Amazon Kindle and other e-book publishers.
Ninety-Nine Stories by Barry Fiegel
“ Read 'Em—You'll Like 'Em. ”
Unfortunately, Coronavirus has taken center stage. Take care of yourselves and each other, and we will see you on the other side. Watch this space! In the R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or CalStage.org
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