Humor Times, July 2020

“Those who won our independence believed liberty to be the secret of happiness.” – Louis D. Brandeis, Supreme Court Justice,1916-1939 Issue #339

July, 2020

EXTRA! EXTRA! Laugh All About It! Mere l $2.98 y ®

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ The News, Told in Cartoon Form, by the Best Editorial Cartoonists in the World!

Become a Humor Times Patron!

It isn’t easy these days producing any periodical, particularly when you are a small publication without any corporate backing. If you believe in the cause of political humor, please consider joining the growing ranks of Humor Times Patrons, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you!

A Complete Internet Solution

Become a Sustaining Supporter and Get Your Name in the Funny Papers! Here are a few of our current generous supporters: Bruce Gordon • Randolf Krbechek • Josephine Decaro Rutigliano • Frank Franklin • and YOU?

www.patreon.com/humortimes 2

OMNETWORKS

HUMOR TIMES

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 July, 2020

Editor’s Letter

Please support the wonderful advertisers who have stuck with us through the shutdown!

I respect conservatives.

Yes, I respect conservatives. I even have civil discussions with them, though we disagree on most things.

The heart of the Republican Party of 2020 is far, far from conservative. It is far-right radical.

Today’s GOP is a party that works hardest for the very very rich; a party that willingly sells more and more of its soul each election cycle to the captains of plutocracy, and which is now leaning so hard into authoritarianism that it finds itself inches from fascism's maw. That's not conservativatism, that's far-right radicalism.

The Republican Party has put an incompetent, proudly ignorant, vindictive, inane, whiny psychopath into the White House, and they refuse to check his madness, putting the nation itself at risk. That's not conservative.

I repeat, I respect conservatives.

Real conservatives are producing ads to help take out this terrible mistake of a president.

They know what’s up. These folks have produced a series of ads warning in no uncertain terms that we have a pathological liar in the White House who is a danger to our republic.

Called the “Lincoln Project” – aptly named to further enrage Trump, who is always comparing himself, favorably, of course, to Abraham Lincoln – the group is actually a political action committee formed in late 2019 by several prominent Republicans. It includes people like George Conway (husband of Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway), Steve Schmidt, John Weaver, Rick Wilson, Jennifer Horn, Ron Steslow, Reed Galen and Mike Madrid.

These are people who put country before party, as all of us should.

This Fourth of July, let’s remember that while patriotism can indeed be the last refuge of a scoundrel (as with the current, failed president), its genuine expression precludes party affiliation.

And this November, let’s give the party that supports this heartless scoundrel – the same party doing all it can to inhibit democracy by drastically and criminally reducing polling places in areas they figure will vote against them, as well as employing many other nefarious schemes – its just rewards. Let’s vote them out of the Senate, and force them to make some badly-needed, deep, structural changes.

– James Israel, Editor

It’s Spring! Enjoy Some Ice Cream!

Vic’s Ice Cream Celebrate with the Best Ice Cream Around!

Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors, including Fresh Peach & Fresh Banana Ice Cream, Fresh Boysenberry Sherbet and either the Fresh Strawberry Sherbet or Ice Cream!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

P.S. We’re doing our best to help America through this crisis period, by delivering the best in political satire for folks to snuggle up with while sheltering in place! Give the gift of intelligent humor – give Humor Times subscriptions!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through a company like magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us a lot if instead you renewed directly with us.

To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after it. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent.

Please get in touch with the company you used and tell them you do not wish to renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) and let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you’re set to auto-renew (as you likely are with them), or if you renew online (we give the link in the renewal letter). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue Due number – when your subscription comes due. You can see the current issue number on the front cover, upper left.

Also Available at

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

WILLIE’S 5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Vic’s Café is now open next door!

Humor Times “Viral Humor” Sale! $5.00 OFF* subscriptions through the end of July, 2020!

Just write “Fight the virus with viral humor from the Humor Times!” on a piece of paper or on the form below, and send it in. Or, subscribe online and use the Discount Code “Viral Humor” for an EXTRA TWO BUCKS off!

See the ad, back cover, for more details. Good for gift subscscriptions. *Discount good for U.S. addresses only. Offer expires July 31, 2020.

The e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” contains 99 stories by Barry Fiegel which is available for $9.99 on Amazon Kindle and other e-book publishers.

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 29, Issue 339, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)

Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com.

Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com.

Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632.

Contributors: Steve Benson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Diane de Anda, Larry Dell, Will Durst, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman & others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2020. No part may be reproduced without permission.

Ninety-Nine Stories

by Barry Fiegel

“ Read 'Em—You'll Like 'Em. ”

$2 • SAVE $2 by ordering your subscription online at subs.humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $26.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $53.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $50.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $82.95 Trial Sub (3 issues) . . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): __________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (OR include all this info on a sheet of paper. Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

July, 2020

Available at the Artists Collaborative Gallery 129 K St. Old Sacramento www.johnreigerpottery.com

HUMOR TIMES

Free your mind and the rest will follow www.aofonline.org 916-304-3796 3

Not Just Protests: A Movement It was finally all too much...

and the people rose up as one...

that some healing is needed.

as they began to understand...

but most realize it is systematic.

Some said it was an isolated problem...

It’s time to listen and learn...

4

as we begin to turn things around. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2020

When protests broke out, police response was heavy-handed...

taking their cues from on high.

Some greedy types took advantage of the situation, but... instead of dealing with them, police attacked peaceful citizens.

Trump cowered in the White House for a while...

but then his authoritarian instincts kicked in.

He feigned strength by attempting to “dominate�...

July, 2020

and applying a false veneer of piousness. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

5

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General

By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews “Teletubby” William Barr, Attorney General.

ANNOUNCER: From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY: Good morning listeners nationwide.

Is it a good morning? You bet it is. Today on the show my guest is Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General.

WILLIAM BARR: I’m Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby. I’m the biggest of the four. I dine on McDonald’s Triple Cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump. We call him Noo-Noo, because he is orange.

JERRY: You’ve been accused of being the president’s attorney, not the people’s attorney for which you were chosen.

BARR: I believe myself and Donald Trump have authority over the executive branch. We are overturning the constitution one law at a time. In fact, Trump is going to deport all illegal aliens before the next election.

JERRY: No exceptions?

BARR: Well. I live in constant fear that he

6

will deport Jeb Bush’s mother in law who lives at 824 Mulberry Street in Miami. She gets home at 6.

JERRY: What’s the difference between a tick and you?

BARR: I have no idea.

JERRY: The tick falls off when you are dead.

Let’s go over your rap sheet. In 1982 when you worked for President Reagan, you omitted findings from your own summary document encouraging the FBI to enter foreign soil without permission to apprehend fugitives.

BARR: I don’t recall.

JERRY: In 1992, you authorized the report The Case For More Incarceration.

BARR: Let them eat cake!

JERRY: Looks like you’ve had quit a few slices, fella.

BARR: Is that it?

JERRY: In May 2020, you tried to get the Justice Department to drop charges against ex-Trump advisor Michael Flynn despite an earlier guilty plea for “willfully and knowingly” making false statements to the FBI. BARR: He wasn’t aware Russian Ambassa-

dor Kislyak knew Vladimir Putin. An innocent mistake.

JERRY: Where does Michael Flynn do his grocery shopping?

BARR: No clue.

JERRY: Traitor Joe’s.

BARR: Why so many questions?

JERRY: I’m writing a book. How about June 2 when you gave orders for the authorities to clear peaceful demonstrators forcibly, so the Trumpster could have a photo-op at St. John’s Episcopal Church in DC.?

BARR: The police believed protesters were gathering rocks to throw at law enforcement.

JERRY: I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch fire.

JERRY: Man, you have a big stomach.

BARR: I try to avoid things that make me fat like scales, mirrors and photographs. I would like to go on a diet, but I’m afraid my brain will get thinner and I’ll become even more narrow-minded. I dropped the idea.

JERRY: I understand you have a hobby of playing bagpipes.

BARR: Let me correct you. I am the bag-

HUMOR TIMES

pipe.

JERRY: Full of hot air.

BARR: I thought you were going to say something else.

JERRY: Full of shit? Definitely yes!

BARR: Right now, I’m focused on getting Trump re-elected in 2020. We want to put a halt to mail in ballots, so less people can vote. Could use help from Russia. Little things like that.

JERRY: It’s called cheating.

BARR: It’s not honesty that shapes me, it’s my fridge.

JERRY: See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner

July, 2020

Movement (conclusion)

Defunding, Explained

Trump relishes any opportunity to act like a dictator...

The idea scares a lot of people...

but the people are standing up to defend democracy...

but it’s really just about restoring balance...

heroically bearing the burden of freedom...

and putting an end to the abuse.

as they begin to turn the tables on racism and inequality.

After all, we know they won’t “police” themselves.

July, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

7

Up on a Pedestal

Biden His Time

It’s been a long time coming...

Some Democrats are excited...

while others are reluctantly tolerant.

but finally, monuments to racists are coming down...

as well as symbols of racism everywhere.

They’ve launched the next phase of the campaign...

Now, to finish the job. but perhaps a little too soon.

8

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2020

Re-Opening The grand re-opening was finally here...

and it was cheered as a super idea.

and people were ready to party.

The pent-up urge to get out was undeniable...

and celebrated a milestone.

Trump bravely led the charge...

He continued to reassure a worried public...

July, 2020

saying he wasn’t worried at all. (continued on pg. 13)

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Great Black Shark Union Files Discrimination Suit Against News Outlets

By Ted Holland At the onset of the worldwide tourist and vacation season, The International Brotherhood of Great Black Sharks has filed a discrimination suit against such international

The much-maligned “Great Pink.”

news outlets as CBS News, CNN, The New York Times, The London Times and MSNBC. The suit claims that over the past four decades the news media has given over-abundant coverage to the rival Great White Shark while totally ignoring the Great Black Shark.

The union has hired the legendary Slobovian Social Injustice law firm of Monkey, Hipps and Rice to handle the case.

Firm spokesman and lead attorney Shoodooht N. Shoobydooh spoke at a recent news conference and summed up the case this way: “Over the past several decades, the international news media has run amuck covering the actions of the much publicized Great White Shark. There have been films, books, documentaries, exclusive news stories about The Great White Shark… all while our clients labor in a realm of the ignored.”

Miss Shoobydooh also stated that the lawsuit is inclusive of other shark brands such as The Great Orange, The Great Chartruese, The Great Mauve and The Great Texas Red Shark, none of whom get news coverage.

She stated that she also represents the much maligned and joked about Great Pink Shark, which recently has become the butt of crass jokes such as, “What does a Great Pink shark say when it grabs you in the water? ”Bitesy Witesy.”

Trump Makes Contingency Plans in Case of Election Loss

By Diane de Anda Leaked documents regarding Trump’s contingency plans in case he loses the 2020 Presidential election have surfaced.

By Evan Helmlinger New cases of the Russian coronavirus have fallen to zero following President Vladimir Putin’s victory over the virus in a judo match. According to trusted Russian state media sources, as confirmed cases exceeded half a million, President Putin – a known expert judo practitioner – popped off his suit, popped on his judogi, and challenged the coronavirus to a match, saying only, “Let’s dance.”

Russians have embraced the news, and Putin has enjoyed a renewal of enthusiasm and support. Other countries are jealous, especially in the US, where an incompetent nincompoop – a weakling with tiny hands – has no answers.

Putin’s actions have garnered attention from the international medical community. Researchers have begun looking at judo as an effective treatment against the coronavirus. “We knew the virus was an expert in karate and jujitsu,”

12

one British epidemiologist commented. “Now that we know it lacks expertise in judo, and we are the most hopeful we’ve been in months.”

President Trump has praised Putin’s victory and announced the creation of the United States Judo Agency within the Department of Health and Human Services. To head the new agency, the president has tapped former child star Ralph Macchio. Macchio, having first heard of the news through the media, was shocked, saying to reporters, “But I’m the ‘karate kid.’ Doesn’t he know there’s a difference between judo and karate?”

It’s unclear what effect this will have on the treatment of other viruses, but scientists are hopeful that judo or one of its related martial arts could be used to combat illnesses like Ebola and the seasonal flu. Despite global optimism, however, there are fears of a second epidemic, this one of broken noses and hurt feelings.

Leaked: Trump Experiencing Burning Palms Since Holding Bible

By Diane de Anda A neurologist and a dermatologist have been seen entering and leaving the White House several times daily since the afternoon of Trump’s infamous bible photo-op, when the police violently cleared the streets of peaceful protesters for the president.

There are reports that President Trump has been experiencing a burning sensation on the palms of his hands.

It began as a mild irritation as he held the bible while the photographers’ snapped away. Because the bible had been wiped with a solvent prior to the photo op to make sure it was free of Covid-19 infectious material, it was thought that his burning palms were a reaction to solvent residue.

However, a skin scraping found no evidence of residue, and despite various medications applied to his hands, the burning sensation has only increased. He retires to the bunker several times a day where he can cry, scream and swear in privacy.

In desperation, the president sent a secret letter of apology to the local bishop, who returned a letter of acceptance. To make sure he covered

all bases, Trump ordered an aide to go to a local Catholic church and fill a bottle with holy water.

Meaning to put just a few drops of holy water on his hands, Trump tipped and lost grip on the bottle, spilling the entire contents on his hands and the rug. As the bottle slipped, Trump in exasperation yelled, “Goddamn it!” Immediately, the water on his palms appeared to boil and the burning on his palms intensified, which he described as “Hot as the fires of hell!” Others suggest that maybe it was as hot as the burn of tear gas.

As of this writing, there are reports that the two doctors have returned to the White House along with a shaman and an exorcist.

Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Britney Spears debuts new bangs in sexy bikini photo: ‘I Did It!’ Shouldn’t that be “Oooops I did it, again?”

Apparently, upon his death, Trump purchased Epstein’s private island under an assumed name, as a potential refuge from justice.

Besides redecorating it in as much gold leaf gilding as possible, he has begun construction on a perimeter wall for the island. He is reportedly thrilled to finally be building a wall, any wall. It will have multiple gun towers to fight off law enforcement.

It is also now clear why Hope Hicks has returned to the White House. She has been busy interviewing young women to staff the island.

Trump appears to have learned from Jeffrey Epstein that this is best left to a female confidant.

Melania has been informed about his plans and has indicated that she will not be joining Trump, because she must “stay behind to make sure that Baron completes his education.” It has been rumored, however, that a woman with a Slovenian accent has been making large anonymous cash donations to the Biden campaign from the White House.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Putin Wrestles Virus: Coronavirus Cases Cease

Ted Cruz and Ron Perlman have Twitter beef It’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’… you decide which is which!

Trump’s contingency plans reportedly include what was once Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

Headline News Section

Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know using private email for government business was illegal And she’s the smart one…

A Dolly Parton statue may replace KKK leaders’ Memorial at Tennessee Capitol … makes sense replacing a giant boob with giant boobs…

Judge clears way for John Bolton to publish his book, rejecting Trump administration effort to block it To re ally em bar rass Trump, John Bolton should’ve had his new book repeat Chapter 11 six times.

NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli will quit because they banned the Confederate flag … to become the world’s fastest Uber driver…

24/7 Fitness to declare bankruptcy In order to avoid paying their debt ,look for them to join the 24/7 Fitness Protection Program.

Alan Dershowitz complains he’s being shunned

by Martha’s Vineyard residents In fact, Martha’s Vineyard res i dents have made it clear to Alan Dershowitz that they’re not practicing social distancing, they just don’t want to be anywhere near him!

Turnout at Trump’s Tulsa Rally was just under 6,200 – a fraction of the venue’s 19,200 capacity: Forbes So, Tulsa welcomed Trump by staging a re-enactment of his inaugural crowd.

Protesters topple statue of Jefferson Davis in Virginia Capitol If it helps folks deal with it, instead of saying the statue was torn down, just say it tripped and fell.

‘Miss Hitler’ beauty pageant entrant and three others jailed for neo-Nazi group membership … wasn’t this a deleted scene from ‘The Producers?’

Lady Gaga forgoes pants for an iced coffee date with Michael Polansky To paraphrase Chris Farley: “Latte friggin. Da.” Lady Antebellum changes name to Lady A, to denounce former name’s association to slavery They were going to change it to Lady J, but Lindsey Graham already took that one.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

HUMOR TIMES

China Creating Military Base Out of Great Pacific Garbage Patch, Calls it an ‘Amusement Park’

By Roger Freed China, always eager to better its position both economically and militarily in the world, has taken the Great Pacific Garbage Patch trash pile swirling about the currents of the Pacific Ocean and made an “amusement park” out of it.

Starting by netting all the floating debris together using fishing boats, then making it more buoyant using giant floating buoys, they then added light-weight, floatable concrete and eventually even soil, plants and small trees.

They succeeded in making a floating island, forming it into what some believe is actually a military base.

When questioned about their intent for the man-made island, Chinese authorities insisted that its purposes were civil – that the island would be made into a giant theme park made available to all people. “We are going to put a giant roller coaster with a dinosaur section and a haunted house and all sorts of wonderful rides for people from all over the world to came and participate in,” stated Chinese Minister Of Screwing With Other Countries Wry Sun Of Gunn. “The best part of it is we can float up to other countries to make it easier for them.”

The island, which they have now named “The Island of Peaceful Purpose,” has been worked into a round shape to enhance maneuverability. It has about a fifteen mile circumference, with a seawall twelve feet high made of high density plastic, reinforced by super strong aluminum girders to keep out high waves and roving submarinal eyes. It also contains a number of two-story high buildings suspected by some of being barracks, repair shops and intelligence gathering facilities. Several three-mile long airstrips dot the middle of the island.

Concerns have been expressed regarding the proximity of the island to the United States.

West-coasters and Hawaiians are especially anxious, as they are closest to this modern day Armada. Californians are concerned not so much about an attack on their state, but about a loss of revenue if the ‘Oriental Theme Park’ is for real and draws revenue away from their world-renowned Disneyland and Universal Studios Parks.

Hawaiians are worried that they could have a second Pearl Harbor attack roll right up to their door. “With the amount of man made garbage floating around in the sea they could make this island bigger than any of ours,” said Hawaiian governor David Ige. U.S. military authorities are keeping a close watch on this development, as are those of other Pacific Rim nations. “It is really worrisome,” said the president of Indonesia, Joko Widodo.

“But then on the other hand, it would be cool to have a floating entertainment park that can pull right up to your door!”

President Duerte of the Philippines also commented, asking, “Isn’t it odd that their version of Pirates of the Caribbean has modern, long range cannons on the pirate ships instead of ones from the 1800’s?”

Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times, today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic.

“Sure, we all like to laugh, but at what price?

We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine, but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America,” the official cautioned.

(Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)

July, 2020

Re-Opening (continued) The great mask debate raged on...

but anyone with any sense complied...

though some held out...

to the very end.

Many see it as a religious rights issue...

while others are more practical.

The president insists he’s handled it better than anyone...

July, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

saying his numbers are impressive. (continued)

13

Re-Opening (conclusion)

The Supremes

As Senate Republicans dawdled...

The Supreme Court surprised a lot of people...

ruling that sex discrimination laws apply to everyone.

profiteers took advantage.

They also gave hope to “Dreamers�...

But the real heroes remain under-appreciated...

all while reining in a certain over-reaching executive.

and under-financed.

14

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2020

Election The Trump campaign could barely contain itself...

expecting huge rally numbers, health considerations be damned.

for a guy who’d “never seen an empty seat.”

But it turned out to be quite a blow...

nor the kind of momentum he’d been bragging about.

It wasn’t quite the glorious party he’d imagined...

Trump isn’t a big fan of Bolton’s book, either... but it is inspiring to many. (continued)

July, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

15

The Hightower Lowdown

Election (conclusion) So, Republicans gear up for the election...

and Trump says China may be involved.

He’s warning about massive voter fraud...

COVID-19 Is Prompting a Societywide Recalculation Laissez-faire ideologue Ronald Reagan used to delight in mocking the very idea that government should provide health protection, food aid, income support or other public assistance to people in need. The Gipper derided “big government” as both a hopeless bungler and an insatiable beast that devours individual freedom, quipping that, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.” The line was a sure-fire crowd pleaser, winning applause and guffaws from those who bought into his demagogic warnings about “creeping socialism.”

However, then came COVID-19, and those guffawing at stale jokes about big, bad government have suddenly been drowned out by anxious and angry cries bursting out of practically every ZIP code in our land: “Where the hell is our government?!” It turns out that the right-wing’s socialist boogeyman is far less terrifying, even to right-wingers, than the absence of actual socialism when you need it.

An unexpected and profound impact of today’s horrific coronavirus crisis is that it is quietly prompting a societywide recalibration of the rocky road our nation’s power elites have put us on. Here we are — a fantastically rich, ostensibly democratic country filled with masses of smart, creative people who, together, have unlimited potential. Yet, our leaders are so small-minded, incompetent, out of touch and uncaring that they were wholly unprepared for and discombobulated by an inert infectious agent that scientists had specifically warned months ago could spawn a disastrous pandemic.

Mass death and wholesale economic collapse have a way of focusing public attention, not only prompting anger but also leading people to rethink assumptions and start questioning the morality and efficacy of the system itself.

Those in charge cannot simply gloss over the societal breakdown they’re presiding over, engaging in political blame shifting and butt-covering tweets. Nor can the obvious failure of today’s plutocratic policies (social, economic and political) be covered up by ideological assurances that the old free-market magic will soon restore normalcy. Indeed, it’s the flagrant ineptitude and inequality of business-as-usual “normal” that people are questioning!

For about a decade now, America’s zeitgeist has steadily been shifting away from resigned acceptance of the anti-democratic corporate order, and now comes the abject failure of that system to cope with (and, initially, even address) the deadly pandemic. The aloof arrogance of the system’s profiteers has jolted open the minds of a huge swath of the general public to the reality that “We don’t matter.” Need respirators? Compete against each other to pay the

JIM HIGHTOWER highest market price. That’s how America works, says the present president of the United States. But the times, they are a-changing.

Start with public perception of the social safety net, which has long been belittled by anti-government ideologues as an extravagant giveaway of tax-funded benefits to undeserving layabouts. But now, people who never before needed food stamps, Medicaid, unemployment checks, etc., are finding themselves in need and in line, personally experiencing the “extravagance” of the system and learning that these programs are an essential investment in the common good.

The concept of dependency has also been liberated from the right-wing canard that diabolical government programs victimize participants, hooking them on “free things” and stealing their self-reliance and moral strength.

Instead, the contagion has revealed that we’re a species of completely interdependent beings — all of us dependent on a collectivist ethos that at the very least (1) strives to keep everyone whom each of us might encounter disease-free and (2) recognizes that, on any given day, the most valuable people in society are not haughty CEOs or billionaire Wall Street financiers but low-paid grocery clerks, EMS responders, food bank staffers, home health aides, delivery workers, immigrant laborers and others on society’s front lines. When you can’t breathe or you run out of food for your family, you don’t call your broker.

And consider the meaning of big, as in “big government.” Practically overnight, it has been elevated from the contemptuous corporate connotation of an oozing bureaucratic blob to a meritorious adjective signifying “big enough to do the job at hand.” Yes, governments at all levels frequently do grow too big, too intrusive and abusive. This spring, though, we found out what too small looks like.

Constant cutbacks in public resources; the rigid, small-minded mentality; and the corporate establishment’s determination to keep the status quo have needlessly boxed us into this full-blown coronavirus catastrophe. Those same forces of policy meekness are already pulling back on Washington’s inadequate initial steps to stem the people’s economic and health crises — even though the clear and present need is to think bigger, be bolder and do more.

because cheaters, he says, will stop at nothing.

16

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2020

Presidential The president was rudely interrupted on Twitter...

on matters of utmost importance.

while trying to educate the public...

Leaders of his party continue to look the other way...

who loves the flag. saying he’s just an eccentric president...

and as independent A.G., is always ready to serve.

Bill Barr is ever-helpful as well...

July, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2020

July, 2020

HUMOR TIMES

19

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

California Stage Theater Creations “Social Distance Theater”

The e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” contains 99 stories by Barry Fiegel which is available for $9.99 on Amazon Kindle and other e-book publishers.

Ninety-Nine Stories

by Barry Fiegel

“ Read 'Em—You'll Like 'Em. ”

presents Poetry, Music, Theater and Stories LIVE in an open-air courtyard (seating limited) Chill out for ten Saturdays at 8:00PM! Ten local performing arts companies will present bits and pieces of plays, stirring stories, poems and Broadway songs for a limited, sociallydistanced audience.

Each resident company will contribute their own Saturday night line-up.

Opening night is Saturday July 4th, with singer/songwriter Jessica Malone accompanied by Giorgi Khokhobashvili.

At 7:30 PM, the Courtyard Theater gates will open to safe-spaced outdoor seating. Masks are optional, but there is a mask design contest!

Tickets are available for couples and individuals.

The Courtyard Theater is located 1725 25th Street at California Stage Arts Center in midtown Sacramento.

Ticket prices are $15.00 for general admission.

More information & reservations at CalStage.org

In the R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking Reservations & Info: CalStage.org

$

®

00

VIRAL HUMOR SALE! 5 OFF!* Doctors** say the Best Way to Fight the Novel Coronavirus is with some “novel viral humor” from the Humor Times!

Sheltering in place? Going a little stir crazy? Not to worry, the Humor Times is here to save the day! Snuggle up with each issue and let the laughs wash away the boredom and scare away the virus. Use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $21.95 per subscription (which is $5 off the regular price. *Discount available on U.S. subscriptions only, through July 31, 2020. **Fake doctors, like the president!) Send to: Miss me yet?

Humor Times • P. O. Box 162429 • Sacramento, CA 95816 • HumorTimes.com