“The price of democracy is the ongoing pursuit of the common good by all of the people.” – Saul Alinsky Issue #343
November, 2020
The News, in Cartoon Form! ®
‘World’s Funniest News Source!’ Featuring the Finest Editorial Cartoonists in the World!
Mere l $2.98 y
Advertise in the
Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!
Call 916-758-8255 or email info@humortimes.com. Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816
2
OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3
Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 HUMOR TIMES
Available at the Artists Collaborative Gallery 129 K St. Old Sacramento www.johnreigerpottery.com November, 2020
Editor’s Letter
Please support our wonderful advertisers who have stuck with us through the lockdown!
Here’s Hoping for a Good Outcome, America! We went to press before Election Day. We fervently hope, for the sake of democracy itself – not only here, but around the world – that voters did the right thing, and that the election results were honored – and not hijacked by an out-of-control, authoritarian-leaning, vote suppressing, increasingly illegitimate Republican Party. As the New York Times stated in a stunning editorial section on October 16th (www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/10/16/opinion/donald-trump-worst- president.html):
Happy Holidays from Vic’s Ice Cream!
Mr. Trump stands without any real rivals as the worst American president in modern history. In 2016, his bitter account of the nation’s ailments struck a chord with many voters. But the lesson of the last four years is that he cannot solve the nation’s pressing problems because he is the nation’s most pressing problem. He is a racist demagogue presiding over an increasingly diverse country; an isolationist in an interconnected world; a showman forever boasting about things he has never done, and promising to do things he never will. He has shown no aptitude for building, but he has managed to do a great deal of damage.
Come on in and enjoy our Pumpkin, Eggnog, Spumoni, Irish Coffee, Pistachio, Peppermint Stick Ice Creams or a Fresh Cranberry Sherbet!
So, if post-election, the world can celebrate that justice has been done, and the wannabee dictator has been ousted, it will be a great day... but it will only be a start. We will have a lot of work to do. Not only must our democratic institutions be repaired and strengthened, but Congress must pass laws codifying the centuries-old norms Trump plowed through without a second thought. (Naturally, this can only happen with the Senate in Democratic hands.) It must not only restrain the excesses of a rogue executive, but of the Supreme Court, which has grown much more powerful than our founders ever intended (www.robgagnon.net/JeffersonOn JudicialTyranny.htm), and which has been packed by Republicans with hard-right judges who are totally out of step with the citizenry. Term limits should be set for the Court, along with other common sense reforms, such as those proposed here: readersupportednews.org/opinion2/ 277-75/65688-rsn-the-supreme-court-think-big-or-go-without-democracy. (The above links may be easily accessed by viewing this editorial as posted on our website at www.humortimes.com/topics/blogs/editors-rant/.) In short, I hope and pray that we can now begin the good work that a sane government could and should be made to do – by we, the citizens of this democratic republic. – James Israel, Editor
Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.
3199 Riverside Blvd.
448-0892 Also Available at
P.S. As always, we remind you that we need your support! As a small publication in a bad economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon.com/humortimes. Thank you so much!
WILLIE’S 5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 29, Issue 343, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2020. No part may be reproduced without permission.
Statement of Ownership, Management and Circulation: Humor Times; Publication Number 025-465; Filing Date 10/5/20; Issue Frequency: Once a month; No. of Issues Published Annually: 12; Annual Subscription Price: $26.95. Complete Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication (same as Headquarters, as well as Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor and Owner): 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, Sacramento Co., CA 95828; Contact Person, Editor: James Israel; Telephone: 916-758-8255; Managing Editor, Owner, Publisher: James LeDoux; Known Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders: none; The purpose, function, and nonprofit status of this organization and the exempt status for federal income tax purposes: Has Not Changed During Preceding 12 Months; Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: Oct 1, 2020; Extent and Nature of Circulation: General, 12x/year. Col. 1* Col. 2** a. Total Number of Copies (Net press run) .......................................................................................................1283 1300 b. Paid Circulation (1) Mailed Outside-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541 ...................655 673 (By Mail & Outside (2) Mailed In-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541 ..............................28 28 the Mail): (3) Paid Distribution Outside the Mails ............................................................................4 3 (4) Paid Distribution by Other Classes of Mail ................................................................3 2 c. Total Paid Dist: .....................................................................................................................................690 706 d. Free or Nominal (1) Free or Nominal Rate Outside-County Copies included on PS Form 3541............414 417 Rate Distribution: (2) Free or Nominal Rate In-County Copies Included on PS Form 3541.........................0 0 (3) Free or Nominal Rate Copies Mailed at Other Classes Through the USPS...............0 0 (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail .................................................33 0 Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution .............................................................................................................447 417 Total Distribution: ....................................................................................................................................1137 1123 Copies not Distributed: .....................................................................................................................................139 177 Total: ...................................................................................................................................1276 1300 Percent Paid: ..................................................................................................................................60.69 62.87 Electronic Copy a. Paid Electronic Copies ...............................................................................................74 81 Circulation: b. Total Paid Print Copies .............................................................................................764 787 c. Total Print Distribution.............................................................................................1211 1204 d. Percent Paid..........................................................................................................63.09 65.37
The e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” contains 99 stories by Barry Fiegel which is available for $9.99 on Amazon Kindle and other e-book publishers.
Ninety-Nine Stories by Barry Fiegel
“ Read 'Em—You'll Like 'Em. ”
*Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months. **No. Copies of Single Issue Published Nearest to Filing Date.
$2 • SAVE $2 by ordering your subscription online at subs.humortimes.com! • $2 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $26.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $53.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $50.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $82.95 Trial Sub (3 issues) . . . . . $7.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): __________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a
Or use your: p Discover
p Visa
p Mastercard
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________
Become a Humor Times Patron! It isn’t easy these days producing any periodical, particularly when you are a small publication without any corporate backing. If you believe in the cause of political humor, please consider joining the growing ranks of Humor Times Patrons, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you! Become a Sustaining Supporter and Get Your Name in the Funny Papers! Here are a few of our current generous supporters: Bruce Gordon • Randolf Krbechek • Josephine Decaro Rutigliano • Frank Franklin • and YOU?
Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (OR include all this info on a sheet of paper. Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
www.patreon.com/humortimes 3
A Republic, If You Can Keep It It was a contentious campaign season...
with some people finding it hard to choose.
Trump declared that he could not lose...
causing many to recoil in horror.
He somehow normalized Russian interference...
with “America’s Insane Mayor” as his willing Putin stooge.
Trump accused Dems of the oldest trick in the book...
4
HUMOR TIMES
and blamed everything on his opponent. (continued)
November, 2020
The first debate went about as expected...
so Joe felt quite relaxed going into the next one.
Trump’s strategy was to destroy the country to save it...
In GOP-run states, lines were much too long for minorities...
but Republicans were afraid democracy might survive.
as the party did all it could to protect the election from voters.
and by late October, things were looking bad. (continued) Trump ran incredibly deceptive ads...
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
5
The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris By Dean Kaner ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris to talk about the 2020 Presidential race. Hi, Senator Harris. SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS: Hello, Jerry. JERRY: Welcome back to the show, Mr. Vice President. VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE: Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger. JERRY: Hold on there, Pat Robertson. Some people say I have a quick temper. But I think it’s a quick reaction to bullshit, Penster. PENCE: The world is flat. It is firmly established that it cannot be moved. Chronicles 16:30. HARRIS: The world is round. Like your balls. Wait a second…you don’t have any balls. PENCE: I’m confused. HARRIS: Let me explain. Do you know why women rub their eyes when they wake up? PENCE: Have no idea. HARRIS: Because they don’t have balls to scratch. PENCE: Let me ask Mother Wife and get back to you. JERRY: Last week Donald Trump got the coronavirus. And yet he left the hospital without testing negative. The Trumpster can spread the disease to everyone in the White House. What kind of communication will you have with him, Veep? PENCE: I will be wearing a mask and social distancing the recommended 15 feet. JERRY: I thought it was 6 feet. PENCE: I’m allowing an extra 9 in case he has a gasser. Redesivir and KFC with baked beans is toxic. HARRIS: I’m worried Republican members of Congress will spread the disease to every member. These Trumpsters are determined to carry their baby to full term. PENCE: Our president saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China last January. Donald Trump was on top of it. HARRIS: The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels. He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February, not January. The flights weren’t banned until June. By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19. Big lie, Penster.
JERRY: The Trumpster told reporter Bob Wood w a rd he kne w how dea dl y COVID-19 was in early January, but did nothing about it. PENCE: Mother Wife and I prayed it would go away. I had no idea God was on vacation. JERRY: You don’t know a lot of things. For instance, if God sneezes when you meet him, what do you say? PENCE: For God sake, cover your mouth. Don’t you know about the coronavirus? HARRIS: Let me ask you. How much is Trump’s life insurance payout? PENCE: I don’t know. HARRIS: One pence. JERRY: How will things change if you and Joe Biden are elected? HARRIS: Number one. We will have Donald Trump arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters in Guantanamo Bay. Number two. We will force Attorney General Barr to participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes. Number three. We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley. JERRY: That sounds reasonable. Same question to you, Penster. Penster? PENCE: I’m worried I might enjoy it. HARRIS: Absolutely you will. Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox. PENCE: What will I tell Mother Wife? JERRY: How about, “Do you want me to move out of the house?” How will things change if you and Donald Trump are re-elected? PENCE: Number one. If the president and I are re-elected, we will build a wall around blue states. Number two. Fox News will be the only TV network. Number three. The president and I will invite Putin and Kim to join our cabinet. JERRY: Hey, Penster. Trump, Putin and Kim jump off a cliff. Who wins? PENCE: No clue. JERRY: Mankind. Just a minute, I have a text message. The fly that was on top of Penster’s head during the Vice Presidential debate is in studio. FLY: Hi Penster. Remember me? I was trying to lay eggs on your head during the debate. PENCE: I’m flattered that you were attracted to me. FLY: Don’t let it go to your head. Most women find you disturbing. JERRY: Hey, Fly. Two flies are sitting on dog poo… FLY: My favorite meal. JERRY: One farts. The other says, “Do you mind? I’m eating my dinner.” FLY: I like you, Duncan. I’m homeless. Can I live with you? HARRIS: Don’t let her, Jerry. I know about flies. When I was a little girl, we were so poor my mother asked a fly for money. He turned her down, so I killed him and ended up in jail. FLY: Rough childhood. HARRIS: Yeah. We didn’t eat healthy and I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Do you have more time so I can tell you other childhood horror stories? JERRY: Sorry. I’m not allowed to leave the planet. See you tomorrow everyone. The Jerry Duncan Show, (c) Dean B. Kaner
Jefferson on the Supreme Court Thomas Jefferson pointedly observed in the first decade of the nineteenth century that treating the Supreme Court as “the citadel of the law” would encourage those losing power by democratic means to “retreat into the judiciary as into a stronghold.” Jefferson all but sketched McConnell’s quest for judicial power centuries in advance. Thomas Jefferson on the unchecked judiciary (http://www .robgagnon.net/JeffersonOnJudici alTyranny.htm): “Nothing in the Constitution has given them [the federal judges] a right to decide for the Executive, more than to the Executive to decide for them... The opinion which gives to the judges the right to decide what laws are constitutional and what not, not only for themselves, in their own sphere of action, but for the Legislature and Executive also in their spheres, would make the Judiciary a despotic branch.” (Letter to Abigail Adams, September 11, 1804)
6
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2020
Republic (conclusion...?)
Temperature Rising
The entire spectacle was not worthy of America...
The Gulf Coast got hammered again...
and revealed just how fragile a democracy can be.
and the West experienced their worst fire season ever.
We went to press before election day...
Some like to over-simplify, fairytale-like...
but here’s hoping the story had a fitting ending! but the reality is undeniable.
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
7
Supreme Hypocrisy RGB helped women break through more than just the glass ceiling... she helped free a generation.
Her seat should not have been filled before the election.
But Republicans used twisted logic...
to try and justify their rank hypocrisy.
suddenly found a new gear...
8
Sen. McConnell, not known for speed...
but could not lift a finger for desperate citizens. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2020
Court-packing is wrong, insist Republicans...
and should never even be considered...
Once nominated, it was time for some tough questions... at least, not by the other party.
but nothing actually relevant could be asked...
nor answered.
They’ve gamed the system to thwart the people’s will…
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
forcing Dems to consider the previously unthinkable.
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’ The Ballot Counters By JC Wade President Trump has been making his opposition to mail-in voting a major theme in the 2020 election, insisting it will lead to widespread fraud. He has also asserted that the results won’t be known on election night. “You won’t know the election results for weeks, months, maybe years after. Maybe you’ll never know the election outcome unless I take decisive action,” he claimed.
There appears to be little that the President can do to stop states from allowing people to mail in their ballots, but he has developed a plan to speed up the counting of them. In a hastily called news conference, Trump stunned reporters by announcing that he would be signing an executive order naming the accounting firm, Mazars USA LLP, as the official ballot counters for all mail-in votes. Mazars USA has been in the news lately as they are the accounting firm that has been preparing the Trump Organization tax returns that the failing New York Times has recently reported on. “We will be using Mazars,” the president declared, “because they said very strongly and powerfully that they can do a beautiful count. And they are fast ballot counters. That I can tell you. Mazars has big, beautiful numbers and they also have unbelievably beautiful small numbers, as you have seen on my tax returns.” “They will be counting the ballots, including the Black, LGBT, Muslim and Hispanic ones, who love me, by the way.” Trump then explained that even with a big-league accounting firm like Mazars doing the tallying, he will have the figures audited by another accounting firm to further ensure that the election results are accurate and free of fraud. Trump went on to state that, of course, the election results couldn’t be released while they were under audit. He estimates that the audit should be completed by no later than November 2024.
By David Martin In what some are calling a surprise move, the oldest continuously published magazine in the US has, for the first time, endorsed a presidential candidate. Typically, the lamestream media have given prominence to a left wing, science-based periodical and completely ignored the many other magazines that have endorsed Donald Trump. Here are just a few: Conspiracy Theory Digest: The wealth of conspiracy theories promoted by the President made it almost imperative that Conspiracy Theory Digest give its full editorial support to him. From “Thugs on a plane” to “George Soros-funded Antifa terrorists” to “Widespread voter fraud” to “Crazy coronavirus cures,” Trump has done more than any other person to fill the pages of this magazine which reportedly is now touting a new conspiracy theory that Trump will serve for at least 8 more years. Porno Monthly: A prestigious news-based magazine that carries the latest reports on the adult film industry. Never before has it endorsed a presidential candidate, although it did come close in 1992 and 1996 when Bill Clinton was running. However, despite Clinton’s much-deserved reputation, there was no evidence that he slept with any porn stars. COVID-19 Quarterly: This new scientific journal has already established itself as one of
By David Martin Since Donald Trump refused to participate in the second debate, the commission scrambled to find someone to substitute for Trump, should he bow out of the third as well. Already, it has received the following replies: Mike Pence: Of course I would be willing to step in for the President. After all, I’ve just spent the last four years with my head so far up his butt that I can now clearly see through his open mouth. Whatever he wants me to say, I’ll say it. All I ask is that I don’t have to debate any more women. caption: Lot’s of buzz about this possible Trump debate replacement. Mike Pence’s fly: Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I was under consideration to sub for President Trump. I’ve been told that I received a lot of buzz after my two-minute performance at the vice presidential debate, and I’m
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba’s claim she had a bad experience on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ set ... and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby’s. 13 charged in plot to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer So, it looks like those white supremacists in Michigan who wanted to kidnap the Governor are going from being Incels to being in cells! ‘The Masked Singer’ reveals the identity of Baby Alien... former QB Mark Sanchez The giveaway was when he dropped the mic and the Crocodile picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown.
Mar-a-Lago’s hometown newspaper endorsed Joe Biden In fairness, they probably have an ax to grind with Trump not paying his subscription... Huge Everglades python sets new record So, that’s where John Cleese’s been. US trade deficit rises 5.9% to $67.1 billion in August, highest since 2006 Shouldn’t that be ‘bigliest?’ Lindsey Vonn’s butt and back look so toned in a new bikini Instagram photo … proving it’s not all downhill from here for him. Mike Pompeo: Clinton emails could be released before election Looks like Pompeo didn’t wait until Nov 1 and set his clocks back to 2016. Kim Kardashian wore a bikini and sat inside a giant birthday cake to announce her latest makeup collection Shocking the hell out of people at Gelson’s bakery section... Perdue Chicken scrambles to clarify after Sen. Perdue mocks Harris’ name at Trump rally Thinking Sen Perdue has anything to do with the chicken people is like thinking Sen. Rand Paul’s mom is the frozen fish sticks lady.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
12
the top publications in virology. Though its board seldom agrees with President Trump, they greatly appreciate his efforts in making it the world’s most famous virus and their publication #1 among virus-related periodicals. Racist Weekly: Once considered the leading race-baiting weekly in America, Racist Weekly’s circulation numbers had declined markedly in recent years. However, the President’s tacit endorsement of white power groups and his frequent racial dog whistling have helped tripled its circulation. Toupees & Tiaras: This oddball publication has historically enjoyed a fairly limited readership. But Mr. Trump is the first president to combine the art of hair replacement with the exploitation of female beauty pageants. This matches well with articles on hairpieces coupled with titillating exposes of Mr. Trump’s beauty pageant shenanigans.
Donald Trump’s Debate Replacement
By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump, Biden dueling town halls gave voters a different view of the candidates Could Biden be any more boring? I mean it, can he please be even more boring? I’m all in for that.
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Magazines That Have Endorsed Trump
Ripping the Headlines Today
Mnuchin says if Trump wins he plans to stay on as Treasury secretary. Adds that he will not stay on if asked by Biden Re minds me of Chris Rock saying “that’s like me saying I’m boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.”
Headline News Section
honored just to be considered as a stand-in or fly-in for Mr. Trump. Donald Trump’s wife: I am always willing to take on any task that could help my dear husband remain in his separate quarters in the White House. Although my debate skills are a bit rusty, I do know how to deal with cantankerous old men in their 70s and thus I suspect that I will have little trouble keeping Joe Biden in his place. In short, I will “Be Best.” Donald Trump’s hair: Well, it’s about time I got the recognition I deserve. If it weren’t for me, clearly the President would not be where he is today. As unhinged as the man is, imagine what he’d be like if I didn’t spend countless hours maintaining my impeccable appearance. I have demonstrated consistency and equanimity as First Hair and therefore would be more than a match for that senile ex-Veep.
God Denies Being Hurt by Joe Biden By Dennis Wobber In a rare interview, God appeared on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox and vehemently denied being hurt by Joe Biden, as President Trump had suggested in a rally-style speech on an airport tarmac recently. God also denied that Biden hurt the Bible. But Hannity raised some doubts about God’s story. A partial transcript of this remarkable interview follows: Hannity: Today I have a guest who claims to be God. Welcome to my show. G o d : Thank you. Hannity: F i r s t of all, I have t o s a y, y ou ar e about 9 feet tall, a woman, and may I say a very striking looking African-American – God: Correction, I am African. Hannity: Okay, so not even a U.S. citizen. So why should we believe you are God? You don’t look anything like what I expect. Is there any proof that you are actually God? God: Certainly. Here is my identity card, valid anywhere in the universe. (A glowing blue card materializes in front of “God” and floats over to Hannity.) Hannity: Well, it certainly looks authentic. It says, “Title: God, aka Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, Jehovah, etc.” And it is signed, “Carolyn.” What’s this about Carolyn? God: Those other names are just my job titles. My actual name is Carolyn. But my friends call me Carol. Hannity: Fair enough, Carol, I’m honored. Carolyn/God: Call me Carolyn. Hannity: Um, okay. So did you talk to President Trump? Carolyn: Actually, that’s why I’m on your show. Hannity: I see. Mr. President, you heard it here. Now that you’ve cleared that up, Carolyn, can we be friends? Can we hang out in the afterlife? Carolyn: Let’s just say, give my greetings to my nephew, the devil, Lucifer, aka Satan, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, etc., his job titles. His name is Henry. But you can call him Hank. Hannity: (sweating profusely) Could I take another look at that identity card?
Exclusive: Trump to Nominate Security Blanket as DHS Secretary In a stunning reversal, President Trump is set to nominate his favorite security blanket as Homeland Security chief. By Evan Helmlinger their confidence in Trump’s pick. Chairman of President Trump is expected to nominate his the House Homeland Security Committee security blanket as the Secretary of Homeland Bennie Thompson told reporters after hearing Security, according to multiple sources familiar the news, “We of course have to let the confirwith the matter. Trump had previously nomi- mation process take its course, but I’m pleased nated Acting Secrethat we may finally tary of Homeland have someone – Security Chad Wolf something rather – but in a surprise move with relevant experirescinded his nominaence heading the detion. Wolf had been partment.” facing scrutiny over Other Democrats, heading the departhowever, have quesment while still in an tioned the blanket’s acting role. When background. Chuck pressed about the reSchumer asked, “How port, Trump remarked can we determine if Trump’s nominee for DHS Secretary. that “Chad has done a the blanket is fit for great — absolutely fantastic — job, but we need the office if we don’t even know its thread someone the country can rely on and wipe its count? The last thing the American people want nose in after a good cry.” at DHS is itchy skin or worse: a rash.” Trump’s blanket – which he calls “Mr. SnugSenator Mitt Romney, who has grappled gles” – has had a long career at the president’s with the president in the past, agreed with side. It was reported that after winning the elec- Schumer’s assessment: “We need to know more tion, Trump was found hiding under the blanket about the blanket. My biggest concern is how and wouldn’t come out until Vice President often it’s washed. There are rumors circulating Pence brought in a Happy Meal. More recently, that it is never washed, which if true is an obvithe blanket accompanied the president as he was ous concern.” moved to the White House bunker during racial Currently, the confirmation hearings are justice protests in Washington, D.C. (That in- scheduled to open early next week, with openstance, too, ended with a Happy Meal.) ing statements slated for “after naptime,” acMost Republicans have applauded the move cording to a congressional press release. Juice and even several Democrats have expressed boxes will be provided.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2020
Last Days Trump imagines himself a great leader...
and takes his cues from what he considers other “great leaders.”
He’s finding it harder to fool anyone but himself, though...
He’s proud of his consistency...
besides his loyal cult members, of course.
and of his vision for America...
And that is surely how he’ll be remembered. which he’s been implementing with reckless abandon.
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
13
Infectious Personality Trump lost his head over the news...
but had the luxury of being airlifted to Walter Reed...
where doctors could give an accurate diagnosis.
He kept himself in good spirits...
Soon, a new hotspot was identified...
but supporters had to do a double-take.
so, back from the hospital, Trump sprang into action...
14
HUMOR TIMES
and his campaign went into spin mode. (continued)
November, 2020
Naturally, Trump thinks he’s Superman for surviving...
but the reality is more mundane.
He still insists COVID-19 is no big deal...
but desperately sells himself as the cure anyway.
He resorted to “doctoring” some tapes... because he has no real answers.
Meanwhile, Americans keep dying in record numbers...
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
overcrowding hospitals... and more.
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Deadbeat
Sabotaging Democracy Trump played a business tycoon on TV...
but it turns out he’s not very good at it.
Now he plays a president on TV...
Little-known fact: In more and more races, the GOP doesn’t have broad enough appeal to fairly produce an election majority, so it has resorted to sabotaging democracy — rigging the system so a minority prevails. As far-right tactician Paul Weyrich once bluntly put it: “I don’t want everybody to vote. … Our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.” Thus, the right’s electioneering strategy is to shrink turnout by blocking its opponents’ core supporters — particularly African Americans, Latinx people, Native Americans, union members and young people — from even entering polling places. This scheme is more than voter suppression; it’s straight-out election sabotage. Leave it to sour Republican leader Mitch McConnell to flat-out deny the existence of that elephant in America’s voting space: “There’s very little tangible evidence of this whole voter suppression nonsense that the Democrats are promoting,” he recently grumbled. Well, yeah — if, like Mitch, you squeeze your eyes shut real tight and plug your ears with corporate campaign cash, you’ll see, hear and speak no evil of the corrupt practices occurring right in front of us. Otherwise, it’s easy to see how hyperpartisan Republicans have intensified their efforts to steal targeted peoples’ right to vote: Over the past decade, half the states have erected hundreds of new barriers. In a crass perversion of language, they couch their theft as “protecting the integrity of the ballot,” but — to re-aim McConnell’s dismissive word — that’s nonsense … and morally abominable. To get his way in business, with women, etc., President Donald Trump has always been fiercely litigious, and now he’s counting on his legal fixers to rig the system for his reelection. As of August, his campaign and the Republican Party had amassed a $20 million war chest for voting-related lawsuits, with many already filed in the battlegrounds of Colorado, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. In Florida, for example, they’ve sued to stop postage-paid return envelopes. In Pennsylvania, they’ve sued all 67 counties to allow GOP-hired, out-of-county “poll watchers” who, it is feared, will castigate and challenge voters. And they’ve sued California and Nevada to keep them from mailing ballots to all eligible voters. Trump himself sees these courtroom efforts
JIM HIGHTOWER to restrict access to the polls as crucial. He told Politico in June: “We have many lawsuits going all over. And if we don’t win those lawsuits … I think it puts the election at risk.” Funding this Republican legal attack on voters is a who’s who of billionaires, bankers, coal moguls and corporate barons including Johnson & Johnson heir Woody Johnson, money manager Charles Schwab and the Ricketts family of TD Ameritrade, Rolling Stone reported in July. By suppressing our voting rights, these oligarchs hope to keep Trump & Co. lining their pockets. Election officials need to periodically tidy up their voting rolls by removing the names of people who’ve died or moved out of jurisdiction. Recently, though, GOP governors, judges and election officials have turned this simple feather-dusting chore into a supersonic leaf-blower blasting masses of living, eligible voters out of the system. They’re targeting precincts with lots of young, poor, immigrant and other Democrat-inclined constituents. If these people, for whatever reason, miss several election cycles, they are no longer considered voters and can be purged from the rolls. Another insidious tactic is to eliminate people whose voter registration cards do not exactly match the spelling, address, etc. on other state records. Under these “no match, no vote” laws, a missing comma, middle initial or hyphen can cancel your voting rights. In 2018, less than a month before the midterm election, Georgia’s GOP secretary of state, Brian Kemp, used this exact-match pretense to place a hold on 53,000 voters, 80% of whom were in minority groups. By the way, Kemp was at the same time running for governor against Democrat Stacey Abrams, and his “winning” margin closely matched the number of would-be voters he nullified. Talk about sabotaging democracy! Nationwide, states have removed 17 million Americans from voter rolls since the 2016 election, an unusually high number, with no accounting of how many were living, legitimate voters.
and is soon to have a lead role in “The Fugitive.”
16
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2020
Dead Party
MAGAlitia
Sen. Lindsey Graham’s career has gone to the dogs...
They love that Trump celebrates their hate...
and McConnell is, as his hero likes to say, a disaster.
and are the best and the brightest of Trump followers.
They continue to “stand back and stand by” for orders... Together, Republicans have lifted up an incompetent fool...
with a philosophy that sounds eerily familiar. which may end up dragging the whole party down.
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2020
November, 2020
HUMOR TIMES
19
Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing. Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
Advertise in the The e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” contains 99 stories by Barry Fiegel which is available for $9.99 on Amazon Kindle and other e-book publishers.
Ninety-Nine Stories by Barry Fiegel
“ Read 'Em—You'll Like 'Em. ”
Reach an intelligent, goodhumored (and good-looking!) audience with money to spend! Our advertisers tell us that our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!
All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice! Call 916-758-8255 or email info@humortimes.com for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding.
®
Humor Times PO Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816
We’ve Got Your “Unique Holiday Gift Idea” Right Here! Gift Subscriptions to the Humor Times will keep ’em laughing ALL YEAR long! Great for students, family, friends and co-workers. They’ll LOVE you for it! Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at subs.HumorTimes.com and get up to $4 off!