Humor Times, Sept 2013

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Issue #261

September, 2013

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

Editor’s Letter

OMNETWORKS

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst performed his new one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” at the 24th Street Theatre in Sacramento on August 23rd, presented by the Humor Times, and had the full house of nearly 300 rockin’. The show is a real hoot, and for all the Boomers present, he told the story of our lives and our generation, and had us in hysterics.

Heck, even those young whippersnappers under 40 had a great time!

We want to thank all the volunteers who helped the event run smoothly, the Sierra II Center for being such gracious hosts, the Sacramento media who covered the event well, and last but not least, thanks to all who showed up!

If you haven’t caught Mr. Durst’s new show, you must, if you get the chance, no matter your age. After all, we all get older — if we’re lucky. As he reminded us, the alternative is worse.

The show is all about the travails of what he calls being “chronologically gifted” or “what happens when acid flashbacks meet dementia.”

Will Durst is a true professional, a comedian who, through his 30-plus year career, has honed and perfected his craft into a real art form. He’s been called the “thinking man’s comic,” performing comedy “for those who read, or know someone who does.”

Or, as I introduced him, “the sage of satire, the comic polemic, the learned lampooner – the potentate of political humor.”

There will be a condensed version of the show broadcast on the local Sacramento cable channel, Access Sacramento, and in nine other communities around the country in the near future. A crew including Michael Stavros and Randy Van Dalsen filmed it for their show, Media Edge – a very good series that you may want to check out.

Thanks to Will for another stellar performance, and to Sacramento, for making him welcome and the show a great success!

Stay tuned to this publication and our website, www.humortimes.com, for more great political comedy events in the future. To subscribe to our event mailing list, go to http://list.omsoft.com/mailman/listinfo/humort- foht.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Nothing to Hide Anthony Weiner lets it all hang out...

and he believes in naked honesty with the public.

He runs a creative campaign...

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one that is hard to ignore.

His strategy may have backfired, however...

as even old friends start acting strange.

But he’s nothing, if not determined...

and he wants to connect, badly.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

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HUMOR TIMES

5

Party Purity Pricks Pragmatism And now, this week’s freshly updated, highly speculative, oddly prescient, extremely long-range, totally indispensable, magically delicious, 2016 Presidential Campaign Alert. Pay no attention to that bilious sensation you are experiencing. It is simply sweet anticipation swelling into full-bloat boogie as the race for the White House floats tantalizingly around the corner. Admittedly, a wide corner. Multiple lanes. Many laps to come. Think Talladega, baby.

Putatively premature perhaps, but hey, it’s the only game in town. What else you got inked on your critical political calendar?

The upcoming Arkansas gubernatorial election? And come on, Arkansas guber? How redundant is that? Like saying Hollywood fa cade? Or New York at ti tude. North Da kota drowsy.

Congressional disappointment.

Part of our fascination with the upcoming presidential replacement process is a termed-out incumbent ensures competitive action on both sides of the aisle will be crazier than Norman Bates on peyote riddled with corn fungus. Exactly why for the next 38 months we can count on machinations wilder than a singles bar rest room during the zombie apocalypse. Motives more convoluted than press releases from Alex Rodriguez.

Democrats seem intent and content to hurtle headlong, arms

akimbo, down the path of least resistance, envisioning some sort of loosely recollected Clintonian squishy soft landing. While over on the GOP side, the road promises to be just a tad rockier with immense and immovable internal obstacles to be negotiated.

And no, we’re not talking about Chris Christie.

At least a baker’s dozen GOPers have had their names bandied about as prospective suitors for the top slot of their party’s ticket.

Rand Paul, Christie, Bobby Jindal, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Paul Ryan, Mike Beebe. Then don’t forget the old standbys — Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. And it would be most unwise to write off a possible spontaneous Cheney incursion.

This particular nomination process is primed to probe identity: party purity pricking the pragmatists. The true believers versus the moderates. Ideologues taking up arms against those who do whatever it takes to assist their constituents, even if it means consorting with Democrats. You know, traitorous toads.

Threats of boycotts and arguments over government shutdowns and distractions involving dual citizenships have already filled the air like Syrian shrapnel, making it impossible for any individual candidate to gain traction.

Then you factor in further slippage on all the mud being tossed

WILL DURST

at each other by Christie and Paul, the party’s version of the Battling Bickersons. Added onto the slippery slope created by absolutely everyone tarring absolutely everyone else as a RINO, and it’s a miracle any conservative is still standing.

Desperate to throw a positive spin onto things, Reince Priebus, chair of the RNC, said these “debates” are good for the party.

Yeah. “Good,” which is national party chairman code for “you’re killing us here.” Also, to call these barbed attacks “debates” is like calling a sledgehammer a finger massage.

So, put on your Kevlar aprons, kiddies, because it’s only going to get hotter in the GOP kitchen. This war is just beginning and looks destined to culminate in nothing less than a fight for the very heart and soul of the Republican Party. Although, many folks would be willing to debate whether either of those objects actually exist.

Let the Pantsuit Dance It’s time to address the burning question singeing the lips of every American this summer: What will happen to Bryan Cranston’s pork pie hat after “Breaking Bad” ends its run?

Okay, maybe that’s No. 2. The big one is who’s going to be the Democratic presidential candidate in November of 2016? Thirty-eight months and counting.

Having gone almost a year without the least meager of Presidential Race morsels to munch on, journos are doing whatever it takes to jump-start a tasty plate of appetizers.

Also, it’s August, which means politically, there’s less going on in Washington than a vacuum in a crater at the southernmost base of Neptune’s thirteenth moon.

If you suspect this might all be a bit premature. YES. INDEED. YOU BET. Your instincts are correct, sir. This sort of speculation normally doesn’t kick into gear until a year and a half out; two years, tops, but the accelerated pace is today’s norm. Rapid is the new sauntering. Welcome to Extreme Campaigning. 24/7.

Of course, they do have a point. President Barack Obama’s second term has already entered its seventh month.

It is more than an eighth over. The guy is history. Spent. Taking up space. Got the “How Can We Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” Blues. Way beyond lame duck, he’s a differently-bled turducken. A quadriplegic platypus. His goose is undergoing severe cookage.

Barack could nip the suspense in the bud by stepping down and giving Joe Biden a leg up. Because the job will not be Biden’s for the taking. He’s going to need a crowbar the size of Idaho to pry the nomination from a certain someone who’s already spent eight years in the White House. Albeit, in the East Wing. And not baking cookies, thank you very much.

Even the GOP considers that former tenant their major threat since they’ve launched a couple preemptive strikes against the Clinton of Hillary. And isn’t it refreshing to see them get past their internal squabbles to concentrate on what’s really important to the party?

They’ve threatened to boycott NBC and CNN if the networks run planned specials on the former first lady, and have taken to calling her… too old. That’s right. Republicans. The party of Reagan. Same guys who ran Bob Dole, whose campaign slogan was, “Hey you punks, get off my lawn.” Can’t wait for them to charge her with being too white as well. And too rich.

Last time Hillary was the front-runner it didn’t turn out too well, and other names being bandied about are: Andrew Cuomo, Rahm Emanuel and Cory Booker, who just locked up the Democratic slot for the New Jersey Senate special election to fill the seat vacated by the late Frank Lautenberg.

Booker may be the biggest wild card. Imagine Ms. Hill is sweating like a squad of Sumos in a sauna just thinking about a young charismatic fast-track black guy serving less than one full term in the Senate hijacking her coronation ceremony. Again.

His staff encouraged Bill Clinton to be Bill Clinton, with “Let the Big Dawg Eat.” This time, it’s more of a “Let the Pantsuit Dance.” And everyone better start paying attention or the handicapping of the 2020 race will begin as well. My money’s on Chelsea.

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

Land of the Free They watch us for our own good, say officials...

and it is far from glamorous work.

It’s a brave new world...

and you should count your blessings.

but they’re just keeping us safe...

There may be a way to get things to change, however.

Meanwhile, the irony of Snowden seeking refuge in Russia is not lost on him.

September, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

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The Hightower Lowdown Forget Student Loans: Make Higher Ed Free Well, finally! Hard-right congressional leaders and the Obama White House have agreed that interest rates on student loans should not double to nearly 7 percent, as they let happen early in July. Instead, college students will be billed at a rate that will steadily rise higher than 8 percent. This is progress?

Temporarily, yes, because the new law drops this year’s rates for student loans to 3.8 percent.

But, for the longer run, obviously not. Even capping the interest rate at 8.25 percent, as the White House demanded, is too high, for it still saddles students with a crushing debt of some $20,000 to $40,000 for a four-year degree, just as they’re starting out on their economic path.

But worse, lawmakers are playing small ball again, avoiding the big issue they should be addressing. Bickering over interest-rate percentages shrivels the public debate to its most pic a yune and mean est point, which our so-called leaders seem to specialize in these days. They focus on the price of everything, without grasping the value of anything. And the value of a college education — not only to

America’s youth, but most significantly to our whole so ci ety’s eco nomic and dem o cratic future — is clearly established.

So the big question to be asking is this: Why isn’t higher education free? Les Leopold, director of the Labor Institute, notes in a July 2nd Alternet piece, “For over 150 years, our nation has recognized that tuition-free primary and secondary schools were absolutely vital to the growth and functioning of our commonwealth.”

Providing free education, from kindergarten through high school, paid off big for us. Today, though, that’s not enough, for open access to a college degree or other advanced training is as vital to America as a high school diploma has been in our past.

Forget interest rates, young people should not be blocked by a massive debt-load from getting the education that they need to succeed — and all of America needs them to have for our mutual prosperity and democratic strength.

Let me frame the question in terms of a real-life choice: Is making higher education available to every American more important to our national interest than letting Wall Street profiteers make a few more billions of dollars

each year?

Answer: Of course. Yet, our political leaders — pushed by Wall Street lobbyists — have been making the opposite choice for years. As a result, banksters have loaded students down with a mountain of high-interest loans, rising from just over $2 billion in total debt a decade ago to nearly a trillion last year.

Worse, this has made the financiers — either banks or government lenders — the de facto gatekeepers of advanced education and training, shutting out thousands of young people each year who want to get ahead, but are not able to hurdle the price barrier.

This is enormously costly to America. And it’s completely unnecessary.

The smart choice would be to make college and professional training free — as we learned from the GI Bill after World War II. Under this 1944 law, about 7.8 million veterans were trained, including some 2.2 million who went to college; 3.5 million who went to trade, technical or other schools; 1.4 million who got on-the-job training; and 700,000 who got farm training.

The total cost of the program was $14.5 billion — $1,860 per vet. A 1988 congressional study found that every public dollar invested in the GI Bill produced a $7 increase in our nation’s economic output.

JIM HIGHTOWER Likewise, a similar investment today in universal access — i.e., free access — to higher learning and training would not only more than pay for itself, but it would also produce a widely shared prosperity and deliver the priceless return of a broadly educated citizenry.

Of course, an upfront in vest ment in a smarter, more productive, more democratic civilization is pricey. So where do we get the money to do what America needs? Get it from where it went.

Wall Street’s super-rich speculators are now making millions of super-fast, robotic financial transactions per second, generating trillions of dollars a year for them — but producing nothing of real value for us, while distorting and endangering markets. Put a tiny tax on each of those transactions, affecting only the automated gambles made by speculators, and more than enough money will come into the public coffers to free up higher-ed for all.

Unhealthy Relationship Turns out people like Obamacare...

well, most people.

But Repubs are determined to prove their point...

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even if it kills them.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

Holding Pattern The Republican Party is in a tough spot...

so they’re trying to reach out.

The Teapublicans keep them drifting...

farther and farther off the deep end.

And they’re looking pretty silly at this point.

Party strategists are doing all they can...

to keep things in order...

September, 2013

and keep their fans happy.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

The Day the Twitterverse Stood Still Millions of extremely important tweets lost to ether as twitter goes down momentarily A Humor Times Exclusive Report Millions of astute, insightful, earth-shaking and otherwise irreplaceable tweets were wasted today — lost forever to the recesses of the universe — as Twitter went down momentarily.

“How can I transmit timely tweets twixt Tweesha and Twyla when twitter goes twang?” asked Twiggy Twyford. “I feel like a twit.”

Some of the more significant pearls of wisdom lost to humanity on this fateful day include: • “Eww! Aw Naw! Just nasty! How can you get out of the shower and put on the same draws?!” — Attempted tweet by Sammy Samba, com plain ing to the twitterverse, yet again, about his roommate.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Inconvenient Truth: Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space Spectacular new images of Earth were re- “Not only has he eloquently explained to us what leased by NASA yesterday detailing various as- not to do in regards to greenhouse gas emissions, pects of our magnificent Al Gore has ef fec tively blue and green marble. shown it as well.”

A l G or e , c a r b o n In a little more than a defootprintOne photo in parcade, the former vice presiticular stood out above the dent’s car bon/green house rest: a crystal clear shot of gas out put has ex ceeded billions of carbon molewhat most people can only cules in the form of a giant hope to achieve in a lifetime. footprint covering most of “It wasn’t easy,” Al Gore North America. revealed. “But eventually, Scientists would have with the aid of multiple large been com pletely in the homes, zinc mines, private dark as to the owner of the jets, limousines, and a hearty footprint if not for the letcarnivorous diet, I showed ters “GORE” on the botthe world what one man can tom of the foot. do to affect our climate.”

A p p ar ent ly, wha t Fortunately, Mr. Gore’s started out as a tiny dot not historic accomplishment has Al Gore: Inconvenient Footprint. worth men tion ing has not gone un no ticed and, turned into one of the greatest marvels in all of therefore, will not be forgotten here on Earth. It is human history. And, according to scientists currently being recommended by the IPCC to remonitoring this man-made phenomena affect- place the Pyramids or the Taj Mahal as one of the ing our ozone, Mr. Gore deserves all of the Seven Wonders of the World. credit.

By Humor Times Senior Footprint Correspon“It’s amazing really,” said one climatologist. dent, Jeff Boldt.

A Performance Enhanced Candidate One of the millions of bits of lost wisdom.

• “Don’t eat ‘flam ing hot’ mon ster munchies…they stink!” — This warning sadly will never be seen, condemning untold multitudes to stinky Monster Munch hell. (Double warning: Never eat while wearing a hoodie!)

• “The web would gust not let me post a sinjle J — jood Jod! My keyboard is gammed. Gust WTF is joing on here?

Jotta assume #twittersilence is still in effect for Js.” — Attempted post by a man who later found out his “G” and “J” keys got swapped in a prank by his office buddies.

• “Twitter is down! I repeat, DOWN!” — Attempted warning to the twitterverse from a concerned twit.

Thank the internet gods, Twitter came back on within ten minutes. But the world has lost more than it could know.

“This is all Obama’s fault!” said Senator Orrin Hatch, age 79. “And what in tarnation is ‘twitter’?”

Exactly.

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, MD, warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to se ri ous bouts of belly-laugh ter, up set ting weaker stomachs.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America,” she cautioned.

In a move that promises to shake up the already quaking New York City mayoral race, suspended Yan kees slug ger Alex Ro dri guez announced that he was throwing his batting helmet into the ring.

“I’ve proven that I am shameless enough to be a great politician,” Mr. Rodriguez said in a Youtube video announcing his candidacy. “I want to take my performance enhanced talents where they will be appreciated.”

Although new to mud-slinging, the performance enhanced A-Rod is accustomed to pie-slinging.

Embattled Democratic candidate Anthony Weiner immediately jumped on Mr. Rodriguez’s alleged steroid use, calling him a cheater. “A-Fraud has lost the trust of New Yorkers by trying to get a special advantage over his opponents,” Mr. Weiner said. “I am willing to take a drug test to prove that I am not taking PEDs, including Viagra.”

A Rodriguez campaign spokesperson, Lance Armstrong, shot back at Mr. Weiner. “Anthony is the real phony in this race,” Mr. Braun said. “It is obvious that the images of his lower extremities he’s been Twittering are photoshopped.”

But Democratic strategist James Carville wonders if Mr. Rodriguez’s status as a single male will hurt his appeal. “Given that he’s unmarried, he’s going to have a hard time coming up with a sex scandal that keeps his name recognition high,” Mr. Carville told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.

The media’s focus on Mr. Rodriguez could ben e fit City Comp trol ler can di date Elliot Spitzer, by taking attention away from the former governor’s sexual peccadilloes. But in an appearance on The Howard Stern Show, Mr. Spitzer told listeners that he wanted the press to cover the issues.

“I hope that journalists resist adding to the distraction created by A-Rod and instead focus on what average New Yorkers care about, such as the number, timing and content of Anthony Weiner’s tweets,” Spitzer said.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg issued a statement

which seemed aimed at the field of candidates trying to succeed him. “I have instructed the Board of Elections to draw up regulations which would ban over-sized egos from politics,” the statement read, which was issued from Mr. Bloomberg’s vacation home atop Mount Olympus in Greece. “Political scientists have proven that excessive chutzpah is dangerous to the electorate’s health.”

Despite the push-back against Mr. Rodriguez’s candidacy, polls show that 90 percent of Yankees fans intend to vote for the former all star.

One respondent to the poll, Wilfredo Suarez of the Bronx, summed up the sentiment of these voters. “I figure that voting A-Rod in as mayor is the only way to make sure that he never wears a Yankees uniform again.”

By Ben Krull A version of this article first ran in the amNewYork newspaper. This performance-enhanced version is reprinted with permission.

Man Suffers Hernia Carrying Supersized Meals, Sues Fast Food Chain

Breaking Bad Candy Store Offers Build-YourOwn Meth Lab Play Set You can watch your own kids “breaking bad” NEW MEXICO — Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery is “breaking bad.” Again.

The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to announce the Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Game (expansion kit available — for ages 6 and up).

The store’s name is The Candy Lady, and it’s owner, Debbie Hall, is the original supplier of “blue meth” to AMC’s hit show Breaking Bad. Not only is she more than pleased with the recognition provided by the show, Debbie is very excited about the impact her expanding business is having on local youth.

“My goal isn’t just money,” Ms. Hall said quite matter-of-factly. “I hope to educate kids — not only on the business side of methamphe tamines but on the compl ex pr ocesses as well. The show does a great job with some of this but they don’t really give ki ds t he Breaking Bad Candy Store how-to on the production side. All you Chemistry and Econ teachers out there can thank me later.”

The Meth Lab Kit for Kids is an exact replica of the top-of-the-line laboratory used by the main characters, Walter White and Jesse Pinkman (only on a miniature scale). And it comes with detailed instructions on both how to assemble the lab and, eventually, on how to make your very own “crystal blue”.

“And the fun doesn’t stop there!” effused Ms. Hall. “The kit also shows them how to set up a business model for the sale of their candy; everything from the division of labor to distribution to laundering money — it basically takes your kid all the way from chemist to kingpin.”

Though Debbie started out small, she continues to dream big. In the coming months, she hopes to partner with a costume shop in town and offer child-sized hazmat suits.

“Safety first, definitely. The kids should be learning that safety is key — especially in this line of business. We don’t want them growing up being called Phosphine Gas Face do we?”

By Humor Times Senior Candy Store Meth Lab Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

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Supersized meal: Eyes were bigger than his back Jason Dimples, a 27-year old iron worker from Youngstown, Ohio, has recently filed a complaint for injuries he re ceived several months ago while dining with his family at a local fast food restaurant. In his complaint, Dimples alleges he was carrying a tray of supersized meals to the table where his wife and two young sons were seated when he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the area of his abdomen.

“I almost passed out from the pain,” says Dimples as he met with reporters outside the courthouse where his suit was filed.

Apparently, the competition among other fast food restaurants induced this restaurant to up the ante and offer supersized portions for a mere $.25 per item.

The “Giganti-Size Your Meal Deal™” meant that the Dimples family could stretch their food budget simply by spending less than $2.00 more

12

on a complete meal for four.

In response to the complaint, the fast food restaurant claims that it took Mr. Dimples three times to try and lift the tray before finally getting it balanced to where he could maneuver it to his table. Because of this, the restaurant alleges he should have reasonably known the dangers of carrying such a heavy load, therefore assuming a percentage of the risk for his injuries.

The fast food restaurant also claims that it was merely giving Mr. Dimples what he and others in this depressed area wanted, i.e. more bang for their buck. The restaurant seemed to imply that if anything, by having to offer more food for a smaller profit margin, they, not Mr. Dimples should be suing for damages.

Speaking of which, Mr. Dimples’ lawsuit listed as damages his medical bills, lost wages,

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com.

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816

Supersized Giant Burger.

and loss of consortium (his sex life was affected by the hernia). It goes without saying Mr. Dimples was also asking the Plaintiff to refund the cost of the supersized meal for four which was never consumed, totaling roughly $12.85.

By P. Beckert, Humor Times Senior Fast Food Correspondent.

HUMOR TIMES

RECYCLE This Publication By giving it to someone, or leaving it somewhere for others to discover!

September, 2013

Schooling the NRA

Old School Media

The NRA may have to rethink its talking points...

Everyone read the shocking news...

but any talk of gun control is radical.

but Bezos remained cool.

Meanwhile, paranoia strikes deep...

He’s bound to shake things up...

as soon as he gets the hang of it.

and is not conducive to learning.

September, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

13

In a Hole Millions are falling out of the middle class...

but they’re out of sight, out of mind.

The minimum wage has not kept pace with inflation...

14

But how can we get Congress to listen?

Meanwhile, Detroit went off its own fiscal cliff.

It will take a lot of work...

and a lot of money to fix.

It’s not a formula for success.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

Argus Sez

Enforcing Democracy The Egyptian army says it knows how to run a democracy...

Chevrolet introduced its new Corvette in Monterey, California, which boasts a four hundred sixty-five horsepower engine. They’re unapologetically advertising the Corvette’s brute power and speed. It doesn’t run on gasoline, it runs on ground-up Priuses.

McDonald’s employees announced plans to walk off the job on Labor Day to demand fifteen dollars an hour. It would put a damper on the weekend. Labor Day is a holiday when everyone celebrates a great American tradition, immigrants working on your day off .

The Nixon Library released tapes of Richard Nixon reacting to Watergate forty years ago. It was a burglary at the Watergate led by GOP operative G. Gordon Liddy looking for dirt on political opponents. The NSA refers to G. Gordon Liddy as the Father of Our Country.

Al Gore likened global warming skeptics to racists, homophobes and supporters of apartheid recently. He’s bitter. Al Gore won the Nobe l Pe a c e Priz e for his wo rk on t he environment, then in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George W. Bush.

and that some old-fashioned discipline is needed.

Egyp tian tele vi sion re ported Pres i dent Obama’s half brother Malik Obama in Kenya directs financial investments for the Muslim Brotherhood. It’s big news. If the ability to direct an economy runs in the family, Israel will win the next war before a shot is fired.

President Obama embarks on a two-day bus tour of upstate New York and northeast Pennsylvania to promote ways of lowering the costs of college. The president really connects well with college students. They’re both in their fifth year and hopelessly in debt.

The White House announced the First Family has added a second Portuguese Water Dog as a family pet and named her Sunny. They make great pets. The president’s first Water Dog was a gift from Ted Kennedy, who discovered the breed at Chappaquiddick.

The New York Post reported statistics showing the U.S. leads the world in number of porn websites with five hundred million of them.

ARGUS HAMILTON Kids have it so easy today. It’s so much easier to close a porn page than it is to sprint across the room, eject a VHS tape, and hide it.

Seattle held Hempfest in a local park in August, where two hundred thousand pot smokers celebrated legalization. The cops can tell the difference between a drunk and a stoner. A drunk drives through a stop sign while the stoner waits for it to turn green.

Private Bradley Manning was sentenced to thirty-five years in prison for leaking U.S. secrets to WikiLeaks. It’s partisan. Your own outlook is the judge of whether he is a traitor to his country or the clever recipient of thirty-five years of affordable health care.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he will renounce the Canadian half of his dual U.S.-Canadian citizenship. He faces a real dilemma in his career goals. Ted Cruz was born in a country that’s next to the United States and he represents a state that might secede from the United States and none of this helps him to become president of the United States.

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder refused to change the team's nickname this week.

It's about doing the right thing. The Atlanta Braves just removed the screaming Indian from the team uniform and replaced it with an Asian kid being accepted to Harvard.

Chevrolet introduced its seventh-generation Corvette Tuesday which is designed for young drivers They said the average age of a Corvette driver is sixty. However that averages out to forty-five, if you factor in the thirty-year-old stripper in the passenger seat.

The White House released video of the First Family's new dog Sunny on Monday. She will undergo the usual training. Sunny will stay in the White House Press Room until sitting up and begging and rolling over and humping the president's leg are second nature.

but time is slipping away...

and they just won’t listen.

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HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

September, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

Parting Shots: Scrubbing Voter Rolls White Everyone agrees...

on the need for high ideals.

And in the wake of the Supreme Court decision...

Things have changed, they say...

since the old days...

and it’s no time to be lax.

18

some states are going back to their principals.

Besides, rules are rules.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2013

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Issue #261

September, 2013

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