inspiration
Living on Purpose a life that matters with Jennie Allen
just between us S P R I N G 2 0 2 0
Visit my sites! jennieallen.com ifgathering.com
10
You Were Made for Community Just before my husband Zac and I adopted our son Cooper, we went through “adoption training.” We had never adopted a child, so we eagerly drank in every lecture, compelled to get this right. All these years later, one lesson wound itself around my heart so tightly that I’ll remember it forever: “If you want your child to thrive, then make him or her feel seen and loved.” When that’s missing, everything around us seems to crumble into pointlessness and despair. We were built to be seen and loved. God Himself exists in community, the Trinity relating as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Three persons, one God. Perfect community. If God Himself lives in community, I would say we need it too. Yet we tend to regard it as a suggestion. When things get tough, we push it aside. Community is essential. The apostle Paul beautifully described this way of living: “If there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Phil. 2:1-4, ESV). You and I need to be able to seek out wisdom and insight when our own brains can’t sort out the an-
swers. Here are a few encouragements that may push you out of your comfort zone and help you find your people. 1. Seek Out Healthy People. Here is Paul’s advice on the subject: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” Follow me as I follow Christ. If you want to know whom to connect with in community, look for someone who is following hard after Jesus, and then ask that person to coffee. I didn’t say to seek out perfect people. Whole people. Healthy people. Does this potential friend of yours seem to be in touch with her strengths and weaknesses? Is she clear on the values that guide her life? Do you feel seen and valued when you interact with her? Does she listen well? Nobody is going to get this stuff right 100 percent of the time. What I’m asking you to look for is a pattern of progress here. When you’re looking for intimate friendships, you’ve got to start with emotionally intelligent friends. 2. Just Ask. Once you find a whole, healthy person, ask whether she’d like to connect. “Do you want to get a cup of coffee tomorrow afternoon?” “Have you ever checked out the hiking trail up behind our neighborhood?” “Do you and your husband like to play board games?” “Would you like to meet up for dinner before Bible study next week?” • Ask for creative input. • Ask for help unloading your car. • Ask for an afternoon walk. • Ask for advice about a problem. • Ask until asking no longer makes you cringe. That advice might just save your life someday, so I’ll repeat it for you
here: ask until asking no longer makes you cringe. 3. Say Yes. Even if you’re an introverted homebody, you can do this: every so often, say yes. If somewhere along the way you’ve become a decliner, then just for today, might you try on a yes for size? 4. Be All of You, Fast. Our spiraling thoughts of isolation threaten to keep us trapped in a place of self-sufficiency and shame, but vulnerability brings those to a screeching halt. So, be all of you right away, so that your friends get you—the real you. 5 . B o t h e r O t h e r s , a n d L e t Others Bother You. As acquaintances deepen and broaden into friendships, the asks can feel tougher. The stakes are higher now, and fear of rejection is a real thing. My counsel: go for broke. Likewise, to experience true community, you’ve got to be botherable yourself. Take the risk to trust someone with the truth of your life today. Yes, you might get hurt. Yes, you might feel embarrassed. Yes, it might be uncomfortable. But better the discomfort of a friend holding your hand and your truth than the discomfort of thinking you’re alone. If we want to approach life fully in the way that Jesus Himself encouraged, then do life together instead of choosing to go it alone. We weren’t made to celebrate victory or suffer hardship alone. We weren’t made to walk through the dailyness of life alone. We were made to reach out, to connect, to stay tethered. We were made to live together in the light. Excerpted from Jennie Allen’s new book Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts, released Jan. 2020.
