Issue 52 May
Gooday You sexy things. How’s it or they hanging? Well this month I am putting the magazine together whilst sitting in sunny UK. I tell you this for a few of reasons. One. To quash any rumours you may have heard. No I am not dead, I am very much a live. I just have to be in the UK for a little while. I’m not sure for how long I will be here. But I am here for a while. But thanks to technology, friends and family, “the jester” goes on and will continue to go on. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads about that. Two. To explain and apologise, to the advertisers and readers of our little monthly piece of depravity. I flew out of Spain just as issue 51 was about to be delivered to me. So I did not get the chance to deliver it personally (a part of the job I love the most). It also meant that I had to arrange for it to be received and delivered by someone else's fair hand. Unfortunately that is easier said than done. As the delivery part can be quite taxing. By the time I had arranged a suitable, honest and reliable person, the first two weeks of April had almost passed us by. Thankfully, then in stepped Karen. A true friend, and honest person.
She set about the deliveries like a Jehovah’s witness on a recruitment mission. I can assure all the advertisers. I did try and contact you to explain why “the jester” would be late. But not all of you were reachable. I am sorry if you were one of the ones I could not reach. Also, thank you for trusting in Karen and continuing to advertise with us. It means an awful lot to me. I have had a word with big G (you know him upstairs) and you will all be going to Heaven. Also, the readers that didn’t complain too much and give their supplier a hard time. You’re going up there too. And finally. I will find out who has been spreading rumours about me (you horrible bastards) and I don’t care what the rumour. If it is a negative one, that person is for the high jump. That is not a threat. It is a cast iron promise. I hope it won’t be long before I see you all again. Take care. Ed. I wonder if they would like “the jester” over here. I think I will drop a few copies off at my local Church and Mosque. What do you think? For your copy of “the jester” or to advertise in “the jester” please contact Karen on: 622 033 582
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.
2
Dear Editor, I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this. In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me, I do this as a public service and for the advancement of education. Roy. Swansea. Your from Wales and ewe are trying to cast aspersions on Arabic Muslims and their use of goats. Kettle calling pot black, me thinks. Ed. Dear Editor, I was watching TV with my wife on Saturday night and I realised the exact moment I didn't want to be with her anymore. "Those numbers again, in numerical order are 6, 10, 26, 32, 35 and 48." Rich. UK. Totally understandable. Good luck keeping it from her and her lawyers though. Ed.
Dear Editor, Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around. Now I feel depressed and miserable. Paul. La Florida. I know the feeling mate. Ed. Dear Editor, I think I've figured out why fat women are bigger slags than thin women. I accidentally put a pair of the wife's knickers on the other morning, and they spent half the day round my fucking ankles. Steve. Torrevieja.
Dear Editor, My sex life is like a roller coaster ride. Lots of waiting and then it's all over in 30 seconds. Graham. El Raso.
To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or
Karen: 622 033 582. Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3
around, I wonder what they start dropping like? I recently read a book about a guy who travelled through India for 6 months. It was written so well, that I got diarrhoea while reading it!
A quick prayer.... Dear God of the gaps, please make my wife's pussy tighter AMEN How do cripples make love? They rub their crutches together. We went to the natural history museum today. We were having a great day until people started giving me donations to have a look around my wife. What’s the best thing about Line Dancing? One grenade gets them all. A 70 year old with a vajazzle? Would be like sprinkling seasoning on road kill. The truth is, nobody excels at everything. Case in point, I may not be able to drive as fast as Michael Schumacher but I sure as hell wake up faster than he does.
They say 'may the best man win'. There's no 'may' about it, he's not the one getting fucking married. The vicar looked at her then turned to me and said, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" I said, "I do." He looked her up and down again, then said to me, "I'll ask you one more time..." A competition has been held to see who the biggest pussy in the world belongs to. Kim Kardashian came first and second. Just saw the stroke advert on the TV‌ Now I know exactly what to do now if I see someone with their forehead on fire. Stopping people from repeat offending, starts with not re-electing them. When a load of flies get sick and are unable to fly 4
Girl. My new boyfriend is hung like a donkey.... unfortunately it's a donkey with a very small penis. Why do I like masochism? Beats me. Being in South Africa it wouldn't surprise me if they convict Oscar Pistorius's legs, because they're black.
The man that invented ties was trying to kill himself, but halfway through thought "actually, they look nice". Two sharks are eyeing up a scuba diver. One turns to the other and says: "Don't eat the hard bit on his back. It makes you fart!" If there was such thing as karma then I would be earning billions and Justin Bieber would be dead.
still alive. The wife put my glasses on earlier and asked, "Do these suit me?" "How the Americans are a lot like fuck would I know?" Internet Explorer. They How do you know when don't run well and no a girl is too skinny? Your one really likes them. jealous fat wife tells you. I said to my wife, "You My neighbour's bisexual. remind me of a hippo." That's a bit gay. She yelled, "Are you calling me fat?" "No, no!" I'm more than happy to I said, "It's just that you've let Mr Muscle fuck the wife. After all he got a huge mouth, but loves the jobs I only got four teeth." hate. My old gym coach used to tell me that I need to, Some people call them people "grab life by the balls". of African Yes, Mr. Life had a great impact on me when I was ethnicity. Me, I like to call a a child. spade a spade. "We believe up to 1000 Testing "Just horses may have been For Men" on molested last year." In a small animals. statement by Operation Is a bit of a Aintree. grey area. I see Vladimir Putin says his divorce was amicable. "I'm only with you because It must have been. She's 5
you have big tits". My Siamese twin can be such a twat. The wife scared the fuck out of me today, waking me up by screaming in my ear. I'm not surprised we fucking crashed. An Indian woman started work at our place today ' nice lady' looks like she enjoys a bit of paint balling as well.
all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally I paid for my girlfriend to have a boob farts. At first she is really embarrassed job. Sometimes I just like to treat myself. but then realises there is no way the I can never understand people walking salesman will know it was her who around with a Bluetooth headset on all vented to the atmosphere. The man day long. They are like: Maybe someone rings up the sale and says, "That will be will ring me. It is like wearing a condom £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you all day hoping that someone will fuck tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you. you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but my boss started moaning at me: "Where the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait the fuck have you been?" "On a course" is £3.50." I replied. "Fair enough" he said , "how A Policeman stops a car for reckless did you get on?" "Not bad", I smiled "3 driving. He goes up to the windows and under par." says "Aha, just as I thought." "What?" A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. said the driver "I'm not drunk." "I know" replied the policeman "I meant you're a She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the woman." counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It’s a good 6
The wife and I had courtroom sex yesterday. She took me to court and I got fucked.
Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3 Every Friday Daniel Firth Cabaret artist and karaoke one of the Costa Blanca's Top Entertainers Every Saturday Fun Darts from 8pm Every Sunday Joyce's Quiz starting at 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here!
There's a picture in today's paper of a Geep, a rare crossbreed animal that results from a sheep mating with a goat. Big deal. I once saw a Shelshman. A primary school teacher in Blackburn has been arrested and charged with sex offences, after he allegedly sniffed and licked his pupils' feet. It's political correctness gone mad. "What's a good looking guy like you doing stood on your own?" A girl said to me in a nightclub. "I'm not very good at meeting women," I replied, "I grew up on a council estate, so I learned all I know about dating from watching the stray dogs in the street." "I don't mind a bit of doggy fashion." She chuckled. She soon stop smiling however, when got an erection. I started sniffing her arse and
I called 999 for an ambulance today. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator. "I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied. "And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed. I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed." 3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of a drunk me. In the UK, women are usually more educated than men and get stoned less often. Whereas in the Middle East, women have no education and get stoned on a regular basis. I told the doctor that my wife was self harming. "That's bad" he said. "Exactly what is she doing?" "Well, it started with small things like not having any dinner ready, but now she's moved onto turning the TV over when the football is on" 7
I just came back from Mexico. They have these Pinatas. You hang them up and beat them with sticks until they break. We have that in the UK too. It's called helping the police with their enquiries.
I can't help but feel Kleenex have missed a trick not sponsoring Oscar Pistorius during his trial. My wife can never make her mind up. It’s not her fault. I think it's due to a genetic defect. She was born a woman.
Lately there has been all this talk about the black box, Until today, I thought they were referring to Kim Kardashian. How do you confuse a fat nymphomaniac? Buy her a big chocolate dildo.
own French themed perfume. Body Amour. According to the police, Apparently Argentina public masturbation is are complaining that the not considered a "street UK is "provoking" them in performance". Even if you the Falklands. They never have a hat on the ground fucking learn, do they? in front of you. I've worked out a way to Today is my daughter's save money on textured tenth birthday, and doesn't condoms. I got genital time fly? I can't believe it's warts. ten years ago today that I met an Essex girl on a her mum was lying on the night out in Leicester bed, legs apart, screaming Square. At the end of the for someone to help her. evening, I invited her back Sorry, ten years nine to my flat in Wimbledon months ago. for a night of rough anal It was quite unfortunate sex, but she said she wouldn't go that far on a Reeva Steenkamp was first date. In the end we killed. She was only days got a hotel in Waterloo. away from releasing her 8
Last night I hired a rent boy who had been badly beaten up by his pimp. I got a good discount, for a bruised fruit though. I saw George Osborne on the beach so I sprinted over, pulled out my dick and started pissing all over him. "You idiot!" he shouted. "It's David Cameron who's been stung by a jellyfish." I said, "Jellyfish?" People say black dicks are much bigger, which is bullshit. I've rubbed half a tin of shoe polish on mine and it's still tiny.
Breaking News: After nearly seven years, experts fear that Madeleine McCann may have stopped pinging.
Scotland for independence. Because every twat I've ever tried paying with a Scottish note seemed to be under the impression it happened years ago!. I'm considering becoming an international athlete... But as yet I can't decide which limb to have amputated. I was watching the news today and they My wife of twenty years was killed were talking about the Malaysian plane. during a violent mugging while we were I thought to myself... Why? What's the on holiday in the Dominican Republic point anymore. They're all dead and for our 'china' anniversary. The suspect it's never going to fly again. Move on was caught and as a witness, I stayed for with your lives. Stop spending time and the trial which saw him jailed for life. I money on a pointless endeavour that'll remained composed throughout, keeping never bear fruit. Then I realised England a dignified solemnity for the two months still compete in the World Cup every it took the Dominican government to time. allow repatriation of my wife's body back I recently had a throbbing toothache, to England. It wasn't until I eventually so my mate suggested to try whisky as arrived back at home, to the house we it will numb it. What a waste of time bought together, where we raised our that was, I was in hospital for 4 days children and believed we would spend with severe alcohol poisoning. our golden years, that I broke down Keepers at Edinburgh zoo are hoping into inconsolable floods of tears. their giant pandas will mate within the I hadn't cancelled the fucking milk. next two weeks. There is only a thirty I'm disgusted when I see some old guy six hour window every year this could with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman...Just happen, apparently. I didn't couples...Or groups...Any person really. realise they were married. "I can see feck all!" said my mate Paddy, as he tested out his new telescope. I said, "Take the cap off, you stupid prick!" "I can still see feck all!" he replied, "And now my head is getting cold." I think it's great that there is lots of coverage on the news about the upcoming vote in 9
things in life are free. But I would happily pay £50 to see Justin Bieber mauled to death by a tiger. I got home from work and said to my wife, "What's this shit you're watching Want know what it's like and who is that miserable being married? Chain prick in the tuxedo?" "It's yourself to a wild animal. you, "she replied, "and it's Now kick the animal. our wedding video." I'm not saying my wife "I get paid enough per eats a lot.. But the only week," my mate said last cake she doesn't like is night in the pub "to pay stomach ache. my rent for a full month. “Wow!" I replied, "good I once dated a darts wage?" "No, shit flat." player. I know what you're thinking, some fat, I went to a wedding fair ugly, hairy person. Well today and there wasn't you’re right, she was. one decent fucking ride. Typical. They say the best
I uploaded a photograph of my wife in a bikini on holiday. So far it's got 23 yikes on Facebook.
My wife loves to eat melted chocolate off my penis. But, in all fairness, it doesn't even have to be on my penis. Or melted. Call the wife beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That's because elephants never forget.
I didn't realise just how down-on-his-luck my neighbour was until I saw the sign on his car window. For sale. Apply within. Having your photo taken steals part of your soul, Unless it's a selfie, then the damage has already been done. My efforts to set up a business called "Cooking With Flavours" have failed. The bank has called in the Bayleafs.
If the best things in life are free, how come I had to pay for my divorce? How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark. I oink, therefore I ham. 10
A woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery. I have a black belt in karate, but my sensei told me to use my skills for self-defence only. That's why I have a t-shirt that has 'I hate Pakis' written on it.
UPVC WINDOWS DOORS & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, ALICANTE, SPAIN. TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com
"Dad, I'm thirteen now, and people are starting to point and laugh. I think it's time I got a bra." "Fuck off, Son. Try eating a salad once in a while." Saying that electronic cigarettes may be a gateway to children smoking tobacco is like saying that lollypops might be a gateway to them sucking dick.
I’ve got it good. I'm always getting complimented on how youthful I look at 23 when I'm at bars and how mature I am for a 13 year old when I'm pulling schoolgirls.
Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. The great thing about spring is now we get to see birds that are neither flappy or angry.
What's yellow and lies at the bottom of the Indian Ocean? Sand, you heartless bastards.
My friend had a heart attack the other day, unfortunately after a few hours he died on the table. I probably should have taken him to hospital. Putin claims he invaded Crimea because it was made up mostly of Russians. Pakistan are now said to be drawing up plans to annex Bradford. "What the fuck is this bottle of chloroform doing in your drawer?" Said my sister. "It's not chloroform," I said, "It's actually perfume." "Go ahead, "I said, "Smell it.." .and score. According to an Irish statistic, Irish people who were born in England are less likely to have come from Ireland. The UK Government has said that 11
When God created Adam and Eve, He said: I only have two gifts: One is the art of peeing standing ‌ Adam stepped forward and shouted: ME!, ME!, ME!, I would love it please ... Lord, please, please! Look, it will make my life substantially easier. Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her. Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy. He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ‌ Well, he would not stop showing off. God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God: What is the other gift?' God answered: Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
You Know It's Time to Diet When... You dance and it makes the band skip. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." You disappear and they have to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. Your blood type is Ragu. You need an appointment to attend an "open house".
As I snuggled up to my boyfriend on the sofa, I whispered in his ear that I wanted to marry him. He shot through the door quicker than Oscar Pistorius.
12
So after leaving Man Utd, David Moyes has signed a new contract‌ With Sky... To supply TV, Line Rental & Broadband.... What's the difference between David Moyes and Primark? Anything put together by Primark usual lasts more than a season. This is what it must feel like to leave your Mrs for a better woman, to then not be able to fulfil the new woman’s needs, to then be dumped by the new woman, to then see your ex Mrs has found herself a young Spanish bloke that's working wonders with her and is going to take all around Europe next year whilst your at home in your pants watching Jeremy Kyle! I did feel sorry for David Moyes, replacing Sir Alex Ferguson as Man United boss, must be like going to an orgy and finding out you are following the porn star. David Moyes shouldn't worry about getting another job. After receiving 4 million for being a complete failure, he'll be running a bank in no time. I don't understand the fuss about Moyes being terrible. Why does no one give him credit for his consistency as a manager which is an important attribute... After all he always guided Everton to 6th-7th place in the league. Manchester United have announced Ryan Giggs will look after the team till the end of the season. Ryan Giggs said in an interview with Sky Sports "It's great to follow in the footsteps of legends like
Tommy Docherty". "Surely you mean Sir Alex and Sir Matt?" the reporter asked. "No," replied Giggs "Docherty shagged the physio's wife when he was manager here". After the sacking of David Moyes. Ryan Giggs was heard to say, that he will have a more "hands-on" approach if asked to be manager. First order of business would be a "bring your wife to work" day. Dwight Yorke today said that David Moyes was unfairly sacked and did a good job. Come on mate, I've heard Harvey talk more sense. Man United have sacked David Moyes and placed Ryan Giggs in charge of team affairs for the remainder of the season' Well if ever there was an expert on affairs....... What's the difference between David Moyes and the captain of the South Korean ferry? The ferry captain knew when the time was right to jump ship. Give me one reason why I would not like to be in David Moyes shoes right now and I will give you 4 million reasons why I would.
Ryan Giggs is Man.Utd.'s into rim manager, with his sister-in-law in the No.2 position. Following the sacking of David Moyes, Ryan Giggs has been installed as Caretaker Manager as he is the longest serving member of staff. As second longest serving member, Howard Webb has been lined up as his assistant. 12 A
think they're so tough! Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. And then I wait for the next bus. I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said; "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of I came home from the pub really pissed last night and ended up dropping children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary my phone in the toilet. This may not O'Donoghue has more." Gary, sound to unusual, but it was my land line that was hanging on my kitchen wall. you filthy bastard!! Old South African saying: To maintain a Nick Griffin often gets criticised for perfect relationship, a woman should be supposedly promoting racist, bigoted views. In a recent interview, he clarified a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living his own take on the matter: "How could room, a whore in the bedroom.. and a target in the bathroom. I possibly be a racist? I'd love to own a black person or two". In court today, Oscar Pistorius said that if Reeva Steenkamp had spoken, One thing that pisses me off about he wouldn't have shot her. Odd that society today is the amount of twats her screams sounded like those of a that wear sunglasses outside when it black man though. isn't sunny. Especially when they're walking their Labrador. Those fuckers A 51 year old woman was murdered in Glasgow yesterday by an intruder in her home and her 85 year old husband is said to be devastated. He said she had been his lover since he was 40. I went deer stalking with my wife today and I was really happy when she shouted she'd found some tracks. Because 2 minutes later when I caught up with her, she'd been killed by the oncoming train. When it comes to fucking up simple sayings, I've been there, done that, got the tea bag. 14
Two blokes in the pub are arguing about who's the biggest liar. One says to the other, "I went over the Niagara falls in a wheelbarrow last week." The other says, "I know, I saw you." My wife thinks I'm an unsupportive father that doesn't understand childbirth. All because I wasn't there that time our baby came out of her arse.
I had to leave my church after I discovered just how much they condemned masturbating. It's not like I had anything else to do while the Vicar was rattling on. The US Military has cancelled its multi- billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect. William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk from Star Trek, has announced that his new line in women's underwear has been a resounding failure. He said that in hindsight, "Shatner Knickers" maybe wasn't the best name for the venture.
accidental damage, fire, theft, flood and faults in the manufacturing process." "No, if it breaks I'll just buy another one," I said. "It's only a fucking pencil after all." I was shagging my wife and she said she thinks I'm a latent homosexual. I said look just because you have a moustache doesn't make you a man.
Paddy and Mick are waiting at the first tee on the golf course when another two golfers arrive behind. "Fancy making up a foursome?", asks one of the golfers. "No it's alright", replies Paddy, "were both married". Just passed my local pizza shop and saw a sign in the window "50% off all 18 inch pizzas". Surely that's just a nine inch pizza? "Would you like an extended warranty with that?" asked the guy in Staples. "For only ÂŁ12.99 we can insure your purchase for three extra years against 15
"No, I'm always drunk shagging you."
For years my mate has been taking credit for my accomplishments. After taking too much, I confronted him and told him that if he ever did it again, I'd kill him. He was doing well for a few years, but then yesterday he phoned me and told me his wife was finally pregnant. Where's my gun?
Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember not to French kiss her. My girlfriend works part-time to finance her clockwork egg collection. She doesn't earn that much, but enough to keep her ticking ova. The natural reaction to finding a naked women in the bathroom with her legs spread is to fuck her senseless. Apparently, if I'd called an ambulance earlier my Gran may have survived her fall.
I was emailed a petition asking me to boycott Nestle products. The reason being that they source their 'Pure' brand of bottled water from impoverished areas of Pakistan, leaving the locals without enough clean water to drink. So I'm boycotting them from now on. I'm not buying anything that's been in Pakistan. My wife said to me, 'have you noticed that all the sparkle, the excitement and even the sex has gone out of our marriage ?' 'Can we talk about this at half time, ' I replied. The police in Bermuda are investigating the national orchestra. After a third triangle player has disappeared in mysterious circumstances. It's ok me throwing money into collections for disabled people all the time but when I tried to sneak a lift on the back of an electric wheelchair outside Asda this morning.... oh... that's all wrong. I looked out of my window this morning and there were some Pansies in my garden. They soon fucked off when I threw a bucket of cold water over them.
I never knew Rohypnol actually My wife found out that I'd been shagging worked. But here I am, with a sore some girl behind her back. She asked, arse and not a clue what happened... "So then, was she better than me?" Inset Days. I said, "See to be honest, I can never For teachers who think 10 weeks remember." She said, "So you were holiday a year simply isn't enough. always drunk shagging her?" I replied, 16
are usually 2 for a tenner at Tesco. I bought a French Army Knife today. It has 12 corkscrews and a white flag.
I see they still haven't found the missing Malaysian plane, I know a few people who could find it within a few hours: DVLA Child Support Agency Any Debt Collection Company My Ex Wife "You've landed yourself a real trophy wife" I told my mate, "She's tattooed with all the names of the previous winners." I’m not saying my wife's teeth are bad. But if she had a white one she'd have a snooker set. If cookery shows have taught me anything, its that the best wines
How many Scousers are called 'Batman'. None, they're all Robin. The wife wants me to be more creative in bed, but I have a hard time thinking outside the box. Russia wants to join Europe. Whether we like it or not. 3 deaths in the grenade shop yesterday after the shopkeeper asked: "Can I have your PIN please?" I have a problem with alcohol abuse. This morning I called a bottle of vodka a twat. I asked the bookshop owner for the new book
17
by Nick Clegg. "I think I've sold out," he replied. "That's the one." I said. My wife is into oral sex. She loves talking about how she's not going to suck my dick. It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a special surprise I've slipped a ÂŁ20 note into his nan's purse. I was beginning to think my astronomy professor might be a little racist, shortly after he told the class, "All black holes look the same." If you want to know how successful police are at catching prostitutes, here are some statistics: 86% of prostitutes are still on the streets. The other 14% are in people's cars.
Is female genital mutilation just for ugly twats?
at least thats what my eight brothers and twelve sisters keep telling me. As I went up to bed my disabled wife shouted up, "I want to be fucked tonight." So I unplugged her stair lift.
I spotted the ex-missus at the bank today. It was bad news. I was hoping she'd wash further down the river... I shaved my wife's pubes to look like a map of Australia. I can’t wait to do my bush tucker trial. The reason so many people in Africa get AIDS is because international organizations are keep sending it to them.
The judge has just adjourned the case once again as he Oscar Pistorius became upset, she told him to compose himself, and get his feet back on the ground and not on the desk in front of him.
I was in the pub last night and there was a bloke on the piano playing the same tune over and over again. whispered in her ear "Time to wake up Love." I went up to him and said, "Do you know you're a My wife told me she fucking annoying twat?" had been having suicidal He replied, "Is that an thoughts this morning but Eminem song?" had no rope. I replied I'm not buying you something I told my girlfriend that her new bra made her you’re only going to use look like a 14 year old. only once. 8 year olds love I'm not saying my wife's compliments like that. fat. But the last time she wore a skirt, people tried One thing that pizza delivery drivers and to board her for Calais. gynecologists have in Since getting a water bed, common, is that they me and my girlfriend have both get to smell the been drifting apart... one thing they work with What's all this fuss about while not being able to scientists creating vaginas taste it during their shift. in the laboratory? Brian For sale: Cox has been around for Man's dress, only ages. £19:99. My dads a milkman 'well As seen on TV.
My girlfriend said she'd like a rape alarm. So, at 7am this morning I tied her hands up, put tape over her mouth, shagged her up the arse and then 18
My wife went through my mobile phone without me knowing last night. "Who the hell is Gemma?" she yelled. As I paused for a moment, I suddenly realised that If I told her the truth, then she would probably leave me. "Gemma?" I said, taking a swig of my beer, "She's just some fit bird who I fucked on Dave's stag do." I'll always remember the words of wisdom my father spoke to me on his death bed. "Michael, never forget your family." "Michael? Who the fuck is Michael" I replied. I’ve just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge. When challenged at a press conference earlier today about their being no people of ethnic minorities in management at the 92 membership clubs the FA spokes person said "this is simply not true, We have had paddy's, sweaty's, Taff,s frogs, spics and kraut's working in the league for years, and any suggestion of racism is simply untrue" My wife was so upset when she saw our daughter in a boob tube, short skirt just covering her arse, and stilettos. She turned to me and said, "that's the last time I let you dress her for nursery". "You're a useless parent Dave." "Says who?" "Says Tom and Suzanne" "Who the hell are Tom and Suzanne?" "Your son and your daughter, Dave." I don't think muslims really want the whole world to become Islamic. Who would they hate?
I've been in a lot of pain due to domestic violence and so rang the Domestic Violence helpline for some much needed advice. Apparently, I should keep my thumb on the outside of my fist. "Babe, it's crawling along the floor!" I yelled to my wife, as I jumped up onto the sofa, "Kill it before I do." "Calm down," she replied, taking the newspaper out of my hand, "You really need to spend more time with our children."
19
it went that well, I think he said something like "wife laughed." I'm right at the average penis length. Or I was before all of these Asians began fucking drowning. Falklands hero Simon Weston was recently chosen to have his portrait painted by Nicky Philips, and hung in The National Gallery as Britain's most inspirational figure. I think they should've chosen a more careful artist though. I've seen the finished painting and it looks all fucking smudged to me. David Cameron has brushed off being stung by a jellyfish on holiday. 'I work I was lying on the sofa when my son had closely with Nick Clegg, so I know just come in with a fat minger. "Ooo, how to handle spineless creatures she’s a wrong un son, if I've ever seen with no brain,' he added. one," I said, peering over my glasses. What's all the fuss with Oscar "You're a twat dad!", he frothed. "I wish Pistorius? He's not the first guy who sometimes you would keep your small got legless and shot a load into his minded opinions to yourself and actually Mrs thinking she was someone else. try to get to know her, then you'll know North Korea admits pulls the plug on that she's kind, funny and caring. And no matter what you think, she'll always South Korea’s ferry service. be my mum!" South Korea's latest submarine joins the hunt for the missing Malaysian plane. It must have been such a confusing scene for the Korean emergency crews trying to calculate missing passengers at the ship sinking, as the pictures of the missing, perfectly match the people who were rescued. If Oscar Pistorius is holding a cricket bat and he's standing on his stumps, is he out? My Korean friend booked a ferry trip for his honeymoon in his home country, he was pretty excited to fuck his wife for the first time. So the day after I gave him a call to see how things had gone. The line was a bit noisy but I don't think 20
How can you tell when your wife is on her period? She stops getting headaches. My disabled son wants to do a parachute jump for charity. Thick sod, you’d think he would have learned his lesson after the last time. I was extremely shocked when I saw a Scouse man dressed as Hitler at the checkout in Tesco. I'd never seen a Scouser pay for something before. As he took my statement the officer said, "Sir, you know you should never leave anything of value visible in your car." I replied, "I didn't. They were only my daughters' One Direction tickets." My opinion about immigrants changed after I caught a Polish bloke fucking my wife. It's true, we really do need them for all the shit jobs. As a bomb disposal officer I'd just like
to say a massive thank you to the health and safety conscious bomb makers out there for colour coding the wires on your bombs.
My Korean girlfriend has just bought me a little puppy. I don't know whether to stroke it or marinate it. The police are getting really close to identifying the masked rapist who's been terrorising women in my town for the last six months. They're next door at the moment. I was in town today when a man came up to me and said, "Hello, do you remember me? We went to school together." "Hi," I replied, "sorry but I'm terrible with names." "I'm Steve." He said. I said, "No, I meant what's mine." MasterChef. Because I never get tired of hearing: "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do", from twats who are trying to cook some tea. 21
AMUSED ANNOYED ANTSY ANXIOUS CARING CONTEMPT CONTENT CONTRITE DELIGHT DESPAIR
DISLIKE DOUBT EMPATHY ENVY EUPHORIA GLUM GREED GROUCHY GUILT HATRED
HORROR INFATUATED JOYOUS LEERY PRIDE RAGE SAD SATISFIED SERENITY SHAME
SHOCK SULKY SULLEN TERRIFIED TRANQUIL UNCERTAIN UNHAPPY WARY
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 11 letters spell an additional word. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
year where the most talented person in Britain was a dog‌ Although in fairness, Subo does have a lovely singing voice.
+ NEW +++ NEW +++ In stock: Refurbished Laptops
Somewhere there is a parallel universe where Oscar Shootorius is in trouble for pissing on his girlfriend.
Located directly at La Zenia roundabout. Open Monday - Friday 10.00 - 17.00 Saturday 10.00 - 14.00
I'm absolutely disgusted, Easter over and I can't yet find Christmas cards or decorations on sale anywhere.
'David Cameron stung by jellyfish' "I felt the slimy spineless creature come into contact with me before feeling a sickening pain" said the jellyfish. My mate asked today, "What's the possibility of Oscar Pistorius being found innocent?" I said, "There's more chance of him getting athletes foot." I thought they would have stopped doing Britain's Got Talent, after that
"Wild leopard bites Paki man on bottom". Fortunately Vets managed to resuscitate the Leopard. I confronted the new specialist after he found a mole and insisted on examining my wife's breasts for lumps. "We have to take these things seriously," he said. "What did you expect me to do?" "Well," I said. "Our old landscape gardener would have whacked it on the head with a spade." Homosexuality seems like a win-win for straight men. It usually takes two good looking men and two ugly women off the market.
23
LETTERS FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic. Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP. Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies. Dear iPhone, Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User. Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant. Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.
Dear 2013, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985 Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin colour. Sincerely, Black people Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear America , You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada. Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying... Sincerely, Google. 24
26
SEX ON MARS The year is 2224, and Charlie and Mary land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and get to talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers and how they make money etc.!! Finally, Mary brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it' asks Mary. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Mary and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. I don't think this is going to work says Mary.. Why he asks, What's the matter?? Well, she replies, it's just not long enough to reach me. No problem he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. Well, she says, that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow. No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Wow, she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their Separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, Well, was it any good??? I hate to say it, says Maureen, but it was wonderful, How about you??? It was horrible, he replies. All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
All those lies they try to make you believe as you're growing up: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy. The biggest one of all is that the person you see in the mirror is you‌ Nice try! For starters, the bloke in my mirror wanks with his left hand!
My expecting girlfriend loves to talk to her mate about their bumps. I just wish she'd pay as much attention to the ones on the road. After hearing Rooney died I was over the moon. A little less so after seeing the first name. 27
As I stared at a naked elderly lady, she asked "what's the matter, never seen a beaver before?" "Not with a distinctive tongue like that." I replied. I've just read that Women love confidence in a man. So don't give up after you've been Pepper Sprayed. I went to the barbers today and he asked, "What can I do for you today sir?" "Cut both short." I replied. "Both what?" He asked. I said, "The hair and the fucking conversation." I think it's about time those fucking Africans did a benefit concert in aid of Bob Geldof.
I went to see the doctor today for the third time this week. He said to me, "Look, there's nothing physically wrong with you. It's hypochondria." "So then doctor." I replied, "Give it to me straight, how long haven't I got?" So it appears as though a medical expert has carefully examined Max Clifford's penis and declared it of normal size for a man of his age. He was silent on the fact that it is situated on his shoulders though. My wife told me women were better at multi tasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what, she couldn't do either. Oscar Pistorius has told the court at his trail that he sometimes hides in the bathroom because he gets scared. He needs to be careful, you can get shot in there.
As we undressed for bed, my wife looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She said "With all this weight I've put on lately, I feel a bit sorry for you." I stood next to her, and looked myself up and down. "To be honest," I admitted, "I could say exactly the same thing." "Really?" she smiled. "Yes," I replied. "I feel sorry for me as well." Women can be so sensitive. My wife said that she was off to get her hair cut. For a laugh I asked which one, then she kicked off. Fuck me, it's only cancer. My wife asked me if there was anything she could do to improve my pleasure when we do it doggy style. I said yeah learn to wipe your arse properly! You can always tell how much a person cares about a gift they receive by how quickly they look it up on eBay. I saw the weather girl Sian Lloyd shopping in Boots today, she was buying Ambre Solaire and a pack of Tampax. Apparently she's expecting sunny periods...... 28
I've only met my wife's twin sister once. I caught her shagging some fella in my bed then I never saw her again. I love taking my young blind sister out for a drive. Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog. My parents were really great, they taught me to never give up, no matter what. So that's bad news for the police and the hostages. My friend opened a new store. I went for the big opening, but all he had on the shelves was giggling dolls? It was a laughing stock...
Did you hear about the girl with 3 fannies?. She got shagged left, right and centre. Why don't Mexico have an Olympic team? All the ones who can run, jump, or swim have already crossed the border.
I was once offered a hundred pounds to have gay sex. I took it, in the end. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. What did two raindrops say to another raindrop? Two's company, three's a cloud.
disgustingly big she was down there, I was violently sick. Luckily, there was something the size of a bucket handy.
My wife called me procrastinator today. I'm going to punch her face in, next week, maybe.
An apple a day used to keep the Doctor away. Who needs apples when we have receptionists.
I think my neighbour might be a paedophile. My young niece came home today and said she thinks he's got a bigger dick than me.
When I went down on my new girlfriend for the first time and saw how
I take drink driving extremely seriously. You could say I'm almost a pro.
The girls in my local strip club are so ugly, punters are kicked out if they don't touch them. When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought. "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."
Never in all my years at School did I use any of these buttons. 29
David Feherty CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER QUOTES: If you watch golf on TV, he's often the announcer with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colorful way of putting things,. . . . so to speak. "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group." "Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body." "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon." "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife." Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree." Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin." "That's a great shot with that swing." "It's OK - the bunker stopped it." "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it." "That was a great shot, if they'd have put the pin there today." "Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff." "That green appears smaller than a Pygmies’ nipple".
Just walked past the fruit shop, and there were some boxed Peaches in the window. I thought, "Bob Geldof is quick with the funeral arrangements..."
Following the death of Peaches Geldof. She leaves behind 2 children and a stone. Is it too soon to start telling everybody that Peaches Geldof interfered with me, sexually, when I was younger?
Apparently there was no evidence of drugs at the home where Peaches Geldof was found. She'd taken them all then. I'm already sick of seeing Bob Geldof blubbering on the news following the death of his daughter, Peaches. I really think it's time he grew a Pear.
I could never decide whether Peaches Geldof looked more like her mum or her dad. I guess that's settled now. Perhaps Peaches Geldof would have had a longer shelf life if Bob and Paula had named her Pickles.
It's hard to put into words what a useless, spoilt, drug addled non entity Peaches Geldof was. But if I don't get the eulogy written by Friday, Bob's going to ask for another vicar. Peaches Geldof's funeral was on Easter Monday. Because there's nothing like adding a big funeral procession to Bank Holiday traffic for making a person less popular than they already were.
Do you think Peaches will be buried, cremated or tinned? 30
31
My wife called my mobile last night "Where the hell are you? you're two hours late coming home" "I went for a drink with one of my work mates and one thing led to another" I replied. "Are you with that mental Dave?" she asked "No," I replied "Busty Sandra".
If you want to say how you really feel to a woman, you should say it with flowers. So I handed my wife a bunch of roses and told her I hated her and wanted to fuck her sister. I see Tom Daley is fronting a new TV show. He's going round the world back passaging. Sorry, my mistake. Backpacking. At a checkpoint in the Middle East: "Excuse me, I'm trying to get to Pakistan." "Turn right after about five miles, and after that just follow your nose." What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record. I shed a tear as my murdered wife was put in a body bag. Finally, something her bum didn't look big in. It's not much fun being colour-blind, but there is one consolation; The grass is always redder on the other side.
I just phoned the BBC about that Call Center TV program. I don’t know how it happened the guy on the end of the phone managed to sell me double glazing, some loft insulation, he got me to change my energy supplier and take out life insurance. I only phoned up to tell them that their program was shit. My 8-month-old son has developed a nasty cough and the doctor believes it's because I smoke in the house while he's there. So as from tomorrow, when I want a cigarette, I'll be putting him in the garden. 32
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have To show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!" After I married my new mail
order Thai bride, I was concerned about how she would adapt to life in England. I needn't have worried though. She's already joined the local women's soccer team and was awarded man of the match in her very first game. On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my Karate club at the pavement edge struggling to get to his feet. He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm. I helped him up and said, "Wow mate I thought you were a black belt." he said "I am but it doesn't work against cars."
33
I was offered a great job abroad for three months and my wife pleaded with me to not go, saying she couldn't live with the loneliness, but I had to. When I finally arrived back home, I walked in the door and immediately felt something was wrong. I raced up the stairs and kicked the bedroom door down to find my wife on all-fours in the middle of the bed with our Muslim neighbour Rashid fucking her violently up the arse, and his brother Samir forcing his cock down her throat. "Oh thank fuck for that!!" I gasped loudly. "What? You're not mad?" She said. "Jesus Christ, no." I told her, "I'm relieved." "For a minute there, I thought I could smell a corpse up here."
So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate. If Oscar Pistorius is convicted of murdering his girlfriend he'll probably find out what it like to be done in the shitter himself. All I keep hearing during the Pistorious trial is "yes m'lady, no m’lady." Who's in the fucking dock, Oscar Pistorius or Parker from thunderbirds?
I've just heard the 'Breaking News' that the search team looking for missing flight MH370 are going to deploy a submersible underwater search vehicle. Now let me get this straight, only now, 5 weeks after a heavy metal object plunged into the sea, they are going to look underwater for it. The BBC website describes "Who Do You Think You Are?" As: "Series in which celebrities trace their ancestry, discovering secrets and surprises from their past." I dare you, Prince Harry. I just dare you. 34
A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods when they are attacked by a bear. They take off running, and naturally the black man outruns the Czechoslovakian man. The bear tears the Czechoslovakian man apart and devours him. The black man frantically sprints all the way to the nearest ranger station for help. He and the ranger head back out with a rifle to the exact spot where the Czechoslovakian was eaten and find not one, but two bears. A male and a female. The black man tells the park ranger that the male bear ate his friend, so the ranger shoots it and cuts open it's stomach, but finds nothing. Lesson learned. You never trust a black man who says the Czech is in the male. Why the fuck are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night. I said, "I'm checking out the hair." "But, I'm completely bald." he replied. I said, "I'm talking about mine." I stopped the first bloke that I saw in Glasgow this morning. "I'm a Colgate representative," I said, "Do you mind if
I ask you a quick question?" "Go on." he replied, staring at my clipboard. I said, "How often do you brush your tooth?" A Vicar was walking down the street when he meets this young lad and asks him. "Can you tell me where the post office is". The young lad says and points "Its down there second turning on the left". The vicar thanks him and says. "I am knew to the district and have taken over the local church if you come to church on Sunday I will show you the way to heaven" "Show me the way to heaven" says the boy "You can't even find your way to the fucking post office". I Got arrested today for my cock in a sock picture. Didn't know the foot had to be out of the sock and that it had to me my own sock.
It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding Your Honour. You see my Chinese neighbour was telling me she couldn't afford the bedroom tax. While I now understand she was trying to tell me she needed to get a good lodger in...
35
I had to have my pet centipede put to sleep this week after he lost 84 of his limbs. The vet said he was on his last legs.
I am all in favour of female astronauts. Food doesn't cook itself.
How do you know Jesus was a Scouser. "Why do we always end Two thousand years up playing 'Monopoly'?" on, and people are asked my scouse girlfriend. still going on about how I had to admit that I didn't badly he was treated. have a cluedo. Experts say that the I Just bought some grade female Panda at Edinburgh ’A’ Cocaine from money zoo isn't that interested in super market .com. and mating and seems happier now I feel epic. just sitting around eating. As their aren't any doors That sounds just like my or stalls covering prison missus. toilets. It should make Me and a few friends have just invented the Oscar Pistorius's bunk mate's daily crap less worrying. Pistorius drinking game 36
whilst watching the trial. Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots. Loving my new South African Cluedo. You know who did it, where, and the weapon. You just have to work out why. During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable. But a couple of beer mats should sort that out.
South Korea ferry: Scores missing as ship sinks. It didn’t happen to hit a plane did it?
I got the results of my oceanography exam. I only got a sea.
So apparently she's never seen a girl with tits.
What do you call a fat Who was the psychic? A four-chin teller. best-smelling I always prefer red haired Musketeer? None, women. Rusty roof means they were French. I went into a book the cellar is wet as well. store today, and Watching the Oscar asked for a book Pistorious trial on T.V has on how to make left me both shocked and tasteless gravy. appalled with what I have "It's out of stock." heard. What a shit accent. Said the owner. I went to a meeting of the "That's the one." I world's most prominent replied. mathematicians in Greece. If I were a movie I got chills when they were villain I'd make a multiplying. bomb where the wires My wife said the only are all one colour. difference between men I'm tired of explaining and women is what they to my retard son what a have between their legs. front door is. We have to go through it every day. My mate Dave went back to his house after a drinking session and shot his girlfriend five times whilst she was on the bog. He said he had too much to drink and thought she was a burglar. . I don't think he was that drunk though, he was just acting Pist. If the bookies had taken my bet I would have won, but they 37
kicked me out. All said was can I put 100 quid on the coon to win the London marathon. A woman has claimed she was raped in a toilet at the House of Commons two years ago. Police have confirmed they are not investigating Nigel Evans.
I am fed up having arguments with my wife about the toilet seat. I’m using the sink from now on. What's the difference between a politician and a thief? We only pay one of them to rob us.
I doubt that alcohol kills more people than it creates.
38
I hear the Black Box Recorder has stopped working. So that's why they called it black. The stress of his murder trial must really be getting to Oscar Pistorius, as he looked rather low in court last week. Either that, or his legs have been confiscated. The Duchess of Cambridge was asked in New Zealand whether she wanted her second baby to be a boy or a girl. " I don't mind " , she said , "As long as it doesn't have ginger hair " I was reading some graffiti in a public toilet today. "For the best £20 fuck of your life, ring this number and ask for Emily." Hurriedly, I rang the number and waited until a man picked up. I said, "Hello, can I speak to Emily, please?" "No, you can't," he sobbed. "She's dead." "You should've said that in the advert," I replied. "If you’ll do it for tenner, I'll fuck her anyway." Surely Oscar Pistorius, needs to think about using his 'mitigation' card soon. The bitch told me to put the toilet seat down, once too often. Even the Judge wouldn’t convict on that evidence. Wife: You used to shower me with gifts before marriage, but rarely now. Me: Yes. Wife: Why? Me: Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to fish after catching them? And that's when the fight started...
My first day working in an office didn't go well. My boss asked me for a hole punch so I shoved my fist up his arse. What's the best thing for getting chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer. I was in town when I came across a guy sitting on the side of the road, begging. Poor fucker had an arm and a leg missing, and his clothes had seen better days. He had a sign in front of him which read: 'FALKLANDS WAR VETERAN'. I thought to myself, " What a fucking disgrace! A Falklands War Veteran begging on the street. What's this country coming to?" Feeling guilty, I chucked £20 in his pot. He said "MUNCHAS GRACIAS, SENOR."
39
the factory?"
William and Kate said they wanted to give baby George 'the full Kiwi kid experience' while he was in New Zealand. So they've left him in the car, while they spend the day at the pub. A secondary school in Birmingham is being investigated over claims it has been infiltrated by Muslim extremist preachers. "I believe it is a witch-hunt based on all sorts of false allegations which have been repeated over many weeks," said headmaster Mohammed Abdul Alim. I ran into the emergency ward with a large severed penis in hand, and yelled at the nurse, "Please, can you help?" "Yes," she said. "Have you stopped the bleeding?" "No, I just left him there," I replied. "Now, can you replace mine with this?"
There is a picture in today's paper of David Cameron sunbathing in Lanzarote next to three topless women. It's really weird that if you look closely, you can actually count all seven individual tits.
South Korean rescuers have said that two are dead and over three hundred are missing after a ferry has sunk. They have stated that the death toll will probably rise when they search the next cabin.
Plans to demolish Glasgow tower blocks in the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony have been scrapped If Oscar Pistorius is found innocent after an online petition. Instead they in court then I'm going shopping for will now be deep fried. a new bathroom door within the month. I've got a Great Dane that loves coming swimming with me. He's also an accomplished Printer Cartridges, Scooby diver. Cartridge Refills & I was walking along the High Stationery Store Street and bumped into my Tel: 965 715 625 ex-girlfriend with her dad. forwardfirst1@gmail.com It had been a long time since Calle J贸se Hurtado Romero we last met so I thought it N掳 15 - 03181 - Torrevieja. would be good to catch up. I said, "Hi mate, long time no see. Are you still working at 40
sounds like they might not have the $2 million. Today on Embarrassing Bodies, a man who feels nothing but shame about the body he sees every time he looks in the bathroom mirror. Oscar Pistorius. I met my wife outside her Weight Watchers class to walk her home this evening, but within minutes, a spaceship I was pumping away on my new appeared from above and kidnapped girlfriend last night, when I looked at the fat bitch. I immediately called the her face, she looked really surprised. government's UFO hotline. "Ok then So I stopped pumping, deflated her and sir" said the operator', "can you describe put her back in the box. I'll take her back the alien vessel that abducted your today, I want one that looks scared. wife?" "Yes." I replied. "Typical saucer At least we now know why Oscar shaped, metallic blue in colour and a Pistorius didn't take up wheelchair shower of sparks emitting from the basketball. He starts crying every time rear." "Sparks?" He asked. "Yeah, from he enters the court. dragging along the fucking ground." I don't like people saying I have a It's true what they say that things superiority complex. I think I'm better seem a lot bigger when you’re a kid. than that. For example my uncle's dick seems smaller than it used to be, Maybe it’s Conservative Councillor Barbara just my bum hole has stretched. Driver has caused a storm with her comment about rape. “when it is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it”. At 77, all she can do is lie back and hope it happens to her. Question on a TV quiz: How many children did Queen Victoria and Prince Albert have? Now I think this is carrying operation Yew tree a bit too far. I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch. Now I'm not an accountant, but it 41
homework and said she just couldn't get her head around pi. Funny, she has no problem getting her mouth around it. What do you call a Russian wanker? Jack'in'ov. Only joking, it's Putin.
when they get married, the husband can scratch it off to see if he's won a corner shop or a call centre job. What's black and white and red all over? The Pistorius bathroom tiles.
I'd never date anyone that is picky. Or fat, or skinny, or annoying, or stupid, or The sadist who hammered the two random or intrusive.. sisters at a London My wife was pulling the hotel probably just car out of the driveway misunderstood the earlier. "Quit being such saying of "nailing a wuss for fuck sake," I two sisters." said, "Get in the car and The lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most. This is going to sting....
I wasn't able to find a single picture locating the female clitoris in my anatomy book. What does that tell you?
My wife's mouth is like a cheap teacup. It's always got a fucking chip in it. It’s so appropriate Luis Suarez plays his football in Liverpool. He claims for everything. Why do Indian women have a red dot on their forehead? It’s so that
71 killed in Nigeria as a result of a bus explosion. What are the chances all on board are millionaires with no family and have my surname? Everywhere I look now there's bunches of women speed walking.. They're fucking up to something! My wife was helping our son with his maths 42
drive it out like a normal person."
My friend just asked me: "If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said "Cold War Russia." Lucky for Pistorius, if he drops the soap in the shower. He doesn't need to bend over to pick it up.
As a single man, nothing depresses me more than the thought that even Hitler had a girlfriend.
So I'm a minor in possession of alcohol and an adult in possession of child I see Porsche are releasing pornography. God I hate this country. a car called the Macan. I guess there's only room Maria Miller has for two kids in the back resigned after then. claiming over a million pounds in At my funeral there will be a pi単ata, you know, to expenses. I think they mean retired, make people happy. But not resigned. it will be filled with bees, you know, to make me The imam of our happy too. local mosque is It's sad to see that Oscar successfully selling Pistorius had to do it the Islam. He puts up banners which say, hard way. Whereas he "Convert to Islam for could have done it the guaranteed sex after easy way by converting marriage." to Islam and accusing his girlfriend of adultery. I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night. It went I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK all over her tits and her face. are racist. Every week at our meetings there's I really need to start taking always loads of black better care of my stuff. My people hanging around. phone has more scratches "You know me, " said my on it that a rapists' chest. wife, "if something needs saying I won't keep my gob shut." In all honesty, even if something doesn't need saying she won't keep her gob shut. I was disgusted and disappointed with my Thai bride. I got one of those fucking weirdo's, you know, one without a dick. 43
What do you do if you are being charged by an angry rhino? I'd pay what he's charging. Zimbabwean Monopoly: the only version of the game where real money is used. Toyota is to recall 6.4 million vehicles. What a pain in the Yaris.
It was reported that some of the passengers from the missing aircraft have been found in Wales. The rest were found in sharks.
be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt.
The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat. To
will never be filled. We'll never know what could have been. Please don't retire Bruce.
The half marathon has been cancelled in Sheffield due to a lack of water. Seems a bit of an over reaction, most of the top Gay marriage legalised in England and Wales. For those of you confused about runners are from places where they run 13 miles every morning just to get to a the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments stream. about who left the toilet seat up. I was really upset when I read the I wrote down a joke about a Malaysian headline: 'No more Peaches.' I'm going to have to buy Apricots now, plane earlier but now I've lost it. and they're twice as fucking expensive. Two sharks are swimming in the Indian Ocean. One says "Fancy seal for dinner?" After the debate on TV, the nation "No thanks, I've just had a Chinese." The wish to congratulate Mr Clegg on his resounding victory in the stammering other replies. competition................ It was a scene of utter chaos in Iquique, Military experts in South Korea are Chile: cars crashing and overturning, huge cracks running the entire length examining a North Korean spy drone of the road, people running in fear, dead which crashed yesterday. A South bodies by the roadside, fallen masonry Korean spokesman said: "We believe these spy drones have been secretly and broken glass everywhere. And sold to the North from Western then the earthquake struck. Europe. In particular, we want to I don't see why the papers are making speak to a company known as Air fix". such a fuss about the smog in London, My wife's argument that the windows partly caused by dust blowing in from are so filthy because of the Sahara dust the Sahara. It's hardly news that an has a slight flaw in it. All the dirt is on African influx is ruining the city for the fucking inside. everyone. Of course homosexuality is a type of Anelka: "If doing a quenelle is mental illness. Why else would they anti-Semitic, all Muslims are terrorists" have fought so hard for the right to So, there we have it. It was anti-sematic. get married? The Boat Race this weekend! Typical It's so sad when someone goes so metaphor for UK politics...A two horse young, when they still have so much race with no poor people invited. to give. They leave a huge hole that
44
AN SIBIN. PLAYA FLAMENCA. BAR DOMINO. LOS ALTOS. BAR STUDZ. BENIMAR. BREAKAWAYS. PUEBLO PRINCIPE. BELUSHI’S BAR. VIA PARK V. BUDDIES BAR. VIA PARK II. C & G FABRICATIONS. LOS DOLSES. CARLS BAR. LOS MONTESINOS. COMPURED. LA ZENIA. CROESO INN. LA FLORIDA. DATE UNA ALEGRIA. JACARILLA. DRIVERS BAR. VILLAMARTIN. EL ALMACEN. TORRETAS III. EL MIRADOR. EAGLES NEST. ELITE PROPERTIES. PLAYA FLAMENCA. EMY CAFE BAR. REDOVAN. EXPRESS INTERNET. TORREVIEJA. FORWARD 1st. TORREVIEJA. GRANITE AUTOS. FORMENTERA. G.T AUTOS. LOS DOLSES. HARRYS BAR. QUESADA. HOWELLS REMOVALS. FORMENTERA. IBERTECH. QUESADA. JAKES BARBERSHOP. QUESADA. JOE’S PUB. QUESADA. LA MARINA LAVANDERIA. LA MARINA. LEMON TREE CAFE. EL LIMONAS. KELLYS KUTZ. EL LIMONAS. KENNEDY’S SUPERMARKET. LOS MONTESINOS. MACEY’S. C.C. FLAMENCA BEACH. MACKLINS WELCOME INN. LOS ALTOS.
MARTIN & THE CUTTING CREW. QUESADA AND CAMPOSOL. MIRROR IMAGE UNISEX SALON.. PUEBLO BRAVO, QUESADA. MONTGOMERY’S BAR. FORMENTERA. MORGANS BAR. EAGLES NEST. MR SMITHS. QUESADA. NEWS EXPRESS. PUNTA PRIMA. OPEN ALL HOURS. LA ZENIA. PABLO’S. PLAYA FLAMENCA. PEPAS BAR. QUESADA. RAYZ. BAR ELRASO. READY MADE CURTAIN OUTLET. LOS DOLSES. RT’S INTERNET CAFÉ. LA RONDA. SPANISH PROPERTY CONSULTANTS. LA SIESTA. STUDIO 6. MONTEBELLO ALGORFA. TABERNA EL NARANJO. VISTA BELLA GOLF. THE CURTAIN OUTLET. LOS DOLSES. THE FRIENDLY BAR. URB HORIZONTE. THE NEW TAVERN. SAN MIGUEL. THE PHOENIX CAFÉ BAR. VIA PARK V. THE SPORTING LIFE. LOS DOLSES. TRACY’S BAR AND GRILL. ALTOS DEL LIMONAR. VIBRA GYM. LOS BALCONES. WASHINGTON BAR. LA SIESTA.
You can now read “The Jester”. On line. Just go to our web page
www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in “The Jester” due to size or the fact it contains moving images. Enjoy. 45
If you have a Charity and you wish to appear in “The Jester “ (F.O.C.) Please contact the editor on: 664 10 60 10 or e-mail: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk.
46
I AM FORTUNATE TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT LIVES IN COPACABANA BEACH IN RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL. HE WAS ABLE TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF THE VERY RARE BRAZILIAN OCTOPUS, THE TEMPLAMOSLO DURO MAN IT IS NOT ONLY RARE BUT IT IS THE LARGEST OCTOPUS IN THE WATERS THAT BORDER SOUTH AMERICA. IT IS ALSO A DELICACY FOR THOSE OF US THAT ENJOY AN OCCASIONAL TREAT OF “SUSHI”. (ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT IS AN ACQUIRED TASTE.) I HOPE THAT YOU CAN APPRECIATE THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THIS RARE CREATURE.
47
Believe it or don't believe it! BUT it's True.
These sunglasses are only £9.99 at SpecSavers. Unbelievable!