Jester issue 51 by Jester Mag

Issue 51 April

Hello my precious one’s, how are you this month? I must start this issue by thanking John Brown (See Front cover). His email read: “The Jester” was given to Harold Wilson by me. I placed it there outside the train station St George's Square Huddersfield”. This man is a true Jester supporter. It has also given us an idea. Seeing as you lot out there, seem to be too shy (or scared) of showing your face in “the jester”. (The only Brave one so far being Natalie from Pembrokeshire). How about this. Do what John has done. Take a picture of someone else (dead or alive) holding the mag. All photo’s will appear in “the jester” at the earliest opportunity after receiving them. Come on now, that’s not too difficult, is it? I may very well reward you with one of our key ring sets too. Thank you to Ferrari John of Quesada, for pointing out a repeated joke in the March issue. And although his wording was gracious, by saying “I have spotted the deliberate mistake”. We both know it was not deliberate and you were pointing out that I was a dick head. This month sees St Georges day on the 23rd. I hope all our English readers have a great day.

Last month saw Steak and Blow Job Day (March 14th). How do I keep missing it. I love bloody both of those things. But it is never gets advertised. Yet Easter is non-stop advertising and I think that’s a load of bollocks. Enjoy your Easter Holidays. Take care. Ed. P.S. Please go to the jester facebook page and like and share the picture below. Thank you.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

Dear Editor, Even though we're not together any longer, My ex wife loves my company. She took it off me when we divorced. Bitter and twisted. Algorfa. Stay calm and hire a hitman. Ed. Dear Editor, Hypertrichosis is an abnormal amount of hair growth over the body; extensive cases of hypertrichosis have informally been called werewolf syndrome, because the appearance is similar to that of the werewolf. This awful affliction is ruining the lives of many children across South America. For just £3, we can help them turn their lives around. Act now. Yours thankfully... Shave The Children. Dear Editor, The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester. Debbie. Quesada. Go to the top of the class you clever girl you. Ed. Dear Editor, I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a

long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started… Russ. San Luis. Yep, that’ll do it nearly every time and as for, how big her arse is. That is an absolute fight starter. Ed. Dear Editor, hear all, see all say nowt, tak all keep all, gie nowt, and if tha does owt, do it forthsen. A Northerner. Quesada. Thanks, but I'm not sure many Clingons read "the jester" mag. Ed.

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul on: 664 10 60 10

Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3

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Watching a can on the floor of a bus is like watching Harvey Price getting out of a stranger's house.

Tickle her whilst your doing it. It isn't rape if she's laughing the whole time. I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job. She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall. My next door neighbour recently won the lottery. She always had gender issues and felt she was a man trapped in a woman's body, so the first thing she did was have a sex change. Who said money can't buy a penis?

was probably you, the dog's generally don't smell as bad as that." I had laser vision corrective surgery recently. Twenty-four hours later, I was driving a car to work. Bloody brilliant. I'd never been in one before. First Bob Crow, now Tony Benn. I'll bet Arthur Scargill is shitting himself. I was in a bar with my wife, last night, and we met Mike Tyson. Short

After being woken by a loud fart my wife said, Oh, for Christ's sake! It's me or that bloody dog, time to decide!" I replied, "It 4

stocky twat, with a neck like a rhino, and hands like shovels. But that's enough about the wife. What's the difference between a light bulb and a Muslim? You can change a light bulb. I know that alcohol can't solve my problems. But on the plus side, I no longer give a fuck about them. "High Visibility Lycra Cycling Jacket, Leggings and Helmet." So that even in the dark, people can still see that you're a bender on a bike. I was working in the morgue today, and I have to say, the smell was unbearable. That's the last time I take the wife to work. What inspired this Easter rhyme? Was two parts vodka, one part lime.

My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week. My mate asked, "How's she getting on?" I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane." I think I'm allergic to condoms. I've been scratching my arsehole for days. What have Michael Schumacher and Tom Daley got in common? Skid marks on their helmets. The porn websites keep saying someone in my town wants to fuck me. I know. She's my wife's sister. Since I was young I always wanted to be a musician. Unfortunately I'm tone deaf and can't play an instrument to save my life. So I've joined a Jazz band. I couldn't believe it when I heard my neighbour had beaten his wife to death with a sand wedge. It must have been a really fucking stale one. I went to the Doctors the other day because I discovered that air discharges from my penis every time I ejaculate. It doesn't bother me, but it really puts the wind up the wife!!

My wife just asked me "how many beers can you drink and still successfully drive?" "Into what?" I replied.

thought it was hysterical. Until I told him I was driving his car and the bonnet was now the shape of her arse.

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

My wife wants me to have a vasectomy. I don't know who the fuck she thinks I'm having sex with.

Hah! I was the twin that got the massive penis. Although to be fair, she did get the tits. I ran my boyfriend's ex-wife over today, he

Bond? This is M. I want you to go down and see Q. He has some new equipment for you. He got it from that place he runs with his partner B. I'm just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker. Tata.

don't jump you're going to get this baby right up your arse.". Mick says, 'Did you jump?' Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.' You know you've got bad breath when your rape victim suggests you do her doggy style instead. Text from daughter to mum: "Hello Mum, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?" Text from mum to daughter: "It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out." Daughter back to mum: "Oh my God, Mum sorry, I meant to put GUM!"

The names of the pilots of the missing Air Malaysia jet are called Fariq Abdul Hamid and Zaharie Ahmad Shah. Given this information I think I know where the plane is. On route to the White House.

You should always make the best of a bad situation. For example Oscar Pistorius now has a glory hole in the comfort of his own bathroom.

I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me, "Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down." "Why the fuck should I? " I replied, "I've paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home." I had an appointment with my dentist today. I said, "I've decided that I don't want my baby, so my wife will be here in the morning." He said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not that kind of doctor." I replied, "I know, but you have the steepest stairs." Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, 'when I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you 6

My wife came back from a shopping excursion to Harrods and started preparing a meal with some of the food she had bought. "This is some of the finest food money can buy," she said. "It is at the moment," I replied.

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The Malaysian transport minister has moved to deny reports that crew members homes have been searched He said " We would have done but we can't find where they live". I Woke up to the news Tony Benn has passed away. I’m reallydistraught. His fights with Chris Eubank were two of the best I’ve ever seen. The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asked anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened." A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation. She didn't receive your email." John makes £15,000 per year and has £500 in his bank account. Chris makes £25,000 per year and has £1000 in his bank account. The bank makes £2.73 billion per year and has £837million in its bank account. Who pays less taxes?

The families of the missing passengers should be thankful that the flight wasn't with Ryan air. They would have been invoiced for the plane and possibly charged a finders fee. 7

I think it's great they've made a Lego movie. Now retarded kids can enjoy Lego without sticking it up their arse. I hate people at the cinema, talking loudly, eating loudly, laughing loudly. Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to film a movie here! Took the wife to Paris and was amazed at all the tables and chairs outside the restaurants. We've got that in Birmingham... We call it eviction. How can you tell if a Women will do anal? She'll be the one drinking the rohypnol.

Yesterday a girl at work asked me if I fancied going clubbing. I said â&#x20AC;&#x153;okayâ&#x20AC;?. Now I'm in Canada staring at a seal. My mate asked, "Do you like crazy golf?" I asked, "What that?" He replied, "It's just like normal golf, except you're with your wife." I don't understand celibacy at all. If you don't want priests to have sex, just allow them to get married. They slipped behind the barn and quickly removed each others harness. There, with nothing to rein them in, it was going 8

to be a night of unbridled passion... Fifty Shades of Hay. "Winners Don't DO Drugs". David Moyes must be completely off his tits. Chinese woman have it easy. If they cheat and get pregnant their husbands will never know. I spent all my money down the casino on the 'one arm bandit'. Say what you want about Big Jill, but for an amputee ex-con, she does give the best hand jobs.

I hate people who have no feet. I'm lack toes intolerant.

a massive row. "I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man." "Yes," I replied, "and so did all my friends." I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! Me and five mates screwed a girl from Norfolk, all of us in her pussy at the same time. "How's that feel?" I asked. She replied, "Fits like a glove.â&#x20AC;?

Four people have died in a helicopter crash in Norfolk. The bodies were so horribly disfigured the locals thought they were still alive.

My sister gave me her mate's number, saying that if I texted her I could get a date. So I texted: "Hi, Sarah gave me your number. My name's Jim. Would you like to come out for a drink sometime?" She texted back: "OMG! I neva fort ud txt! Yes id like tht!"So I texted back: "Sorry, better forget it. Sarah didn't tell me you were a spastic."

People say that us folk in Norfolk are stupid. They can say what they like, at least we found that crashed helicopter straight away.

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not stupid. For instance, when I robbed the bank this morning I just ask the cashier to put the money straight into my account. It saved me running down the high street with a big heavy sports bag over my shoulder.

Norfolk has the fastest piano players in the UK. I can see why. They've got more fingers than the rest of us. Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment. Good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, their luggage has made it safely to Bermuda.

There's a really interesting documentary on TV about girls who work as lap dancers. It intersperses footage of them dancing with interviews, to give an insight into the real women and their personalities, motives, hopes and dreams. Anyway, I'm watching it on mute and wanking myself daft. The wife and I were having 9

There was a woman on The Jeremy Kyle Show today, in tears because the NHS won't provide funding for her to have a sex change. I recon she should grow a pair. I went around to the doctors as I was worried about my prostrate, but I was given the all-clear after the doctor gave me the thumbs up. I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website. I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.

As soon as people find out my wife is Polish, they automatically think she's a slut. But I can assure you, it's purely coincidental. The best ways to get rid of a hangover are rest and water. So I thought why not combine the two and sleep in a river. My wife has a cold today, which reminded me that the only thing she blows these days is her nose.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach I promised my wife him to fish and it's not the earth today. But going to be much gave her the live instead. fucking use in Africa, is it?! Fuck she jumped.

Job interviews are so silly, they always ask the same mundane questions. Like "Why are you naked?" The new girl in my office called me a 'fucking pervert' today. "I can explain," I said, "I just dropped my pen on the floor." She said, "Let go of my breasts." If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine 10

was made, bring me one from 2024.... I've just moved in with an immigrant, disabled, single mother of three. There are a few drawbacks but the benefits are amazing. Destiny, Faith and Karma. Spiritual concepts, or strippers in Liverpool? The scariest thing about this world war 3 starting is that we are on the Germans side. And you know their track record. I must have the power to heal. My girlfriend's nymphomania was cured the instant I married her. Carrots may be good for your eyes. But alcohol will double your vision.

As I approached the teller in the bank yesterday, she asked me if I wouldn't mind removing my motorcycle helmet. " Not bloody likely ", I said, " Next thing you'll be asking me to drop this sawn-off shotgun."

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get a break. 14. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you're sick of sharing. 15. You've been washing the same load of washing for three days because you 20 signs you're a Wife and forgot to take it out. Mother 16. You realize you've been watching 1. Instead of running from projectile CBBC, even though your kids have been vomit, you run towards it. in bed for over 30 minutes. 2. You do more in seven minutes than 17. You can cook dinner, breastfeed, most people do all day. talk on the phone and shout at the kids, 3. Happy hour has become the 60 all without breaking stride or missing any minutes between your kids going to of the TV programme you are watching. bed and you going to bed. 18. You find yourself using phrases you 4. A glass of wine counts as a serving never thought you would. 'Don't lick of fruit. the dog', 'don't put your sister in the 5. You have mini-therapy sessions all washing machine'. day long with anyone who will listen. 19. By the end of the day, brushing your 6. Going to the supermarket by yourself teeth feels like a huge accomplishment. is a holiday. 20. Smelling another human beings 7. You think of physical pain on bottom is not only acceptable but three levels: pain, excruciating pain necessary. and stepping on a Lego barefoot. 8. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your husband snores next to you. 9. You'd rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it. 10. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa. 11. Weeing with an audience is part of the daily routine. 12. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dashboard of your car. 13. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhoea just to 12

I was having a conversation with my religious friend, 'the problem is, there is no proof that god exists or that he watches over us and protects us, so its impossible for me to believe. She then replied, 'yes, but can you disprove that god is watching over me, and protecting me?' So I smacked her in the mouth. As I held my newborn in my arms after the wife gave birth, she smiled at me. "So, what will you call him?" I said, "I like Joseph." "Aww, that's the name of our doctor," she said. "I know, he's taking me to dinner tonight," I replied, "Don't wait up." Ah, I was just remembering being at school - smoking with the 5th year lads behind the bike sheds, trying to cop off with all the girls, throwing stink bombs in through the staff room window..... The headmaster said I was the worst substitute teacher they'd ever had.

Shortest essay ever This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World's Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour…Here it is… Shortest Essay: An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion. 2. Royalty. 3. Physical Disability. 4. Racism. 5. Homosexuality. The prize-winner wrote: 'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter’.

I'm going to make a film about one of my old gardening tools and see if I can make a shitload of money with it. Twelve years a spade.

12 A

"What, one of those dating sites?" She enquired. "Yeah, sort of" I mumbled. "Aww that's sweet, so what's her name?" She asked me. "DorsetSlut69" I said. A woman knocked on my door last night. She held up a photograph and said, "Have you seen this dog?" I said, "No." "Are you sure?" she asked. "Of course I'm sure," I replied, "I'm not wearing my glasses."

My mate asked, "So, where's your wife tonight?" I said, "Probably out getting some chocolate in her." Laughing, he said, "Bit of a sweet tooth, has she?" I replied, "No!" I found a receipt for a bottle of pills that would make you forget the last thing that you did. What a faulty product. The pills just seem to disappear as soon as I open the bottle and I found a receipt for a bottle of pills that would make you forget the last thing that you did.

I bumped into my mate the other day, coming out of a beauty salon. 'Hello Dave' I said, 'what were you up to in there then?' 'Oh' he replied, 'itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really embarrassing, I've just booked a back, crack, and sack wax'. 'That's nothing to be ashamed of' I said, 'most men do stuff like that nowadays'. 'I know' he replied 'but I've booked this for the wife'. The secret to a happy marriage is compromise. For instance, my wife wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised. We started seeing other people.

I got chatting to a fat bird at the club last night. "I know what will do you good," I winked. "Walking back to my place." Smiling, she purred, "Oh, and why is that?" I replied, "You could do with the exercise." A guy was killed in the alley behind where I work last night, I went and had a look at the scene just as the cops were leaving. Apparently the deceased was an alien with four arms and three legs, or he wasn't quite dead when the chalk outline guy got there. As I was getting ready for my date my mum asked "So where did you meet her?" "On the internet" I told her.

I was reading an article about this young woman from New Zealand who travels the world sightseeing, while earning thousands online. I thought to myself, "I'd love to do that." And her lifestyle looks good too. I went to the doctors office today to get the news about the stomach cramps I'd been having. Unfortunately, he couldn't find out what had been causing them, but at least the magazines in the waiting room tasted okay. While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that." "Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical." "Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?" "Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about the pig with the apple in its mouth." My neighbour reckons he can hear me masturbating to internet porn late at night, I told him it was just my dog scratching its ear with its foot. I don't know why I find that a turn on though. I walked into the church and said to the priest, "You may want to light a few candles, father." He asked, "Why? Who died, my son?" "Nobody," I replied, handing him his electric bill. "I'm cutting your power off."

The missus has been banned from driving. Don't feel sorry for the Malaysian plane passengers who've died in the Pacific Ocean.. Feel sorry for the sharks who haven't got a tin opener. A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But they can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

The assistant in Ann Summers came up to me and said, "Can I help you?" I said, "I want some underwear for my wife, but I'm not sure what size to get." She said, "Is she anything like me?" I said, "No, she's nothing like you, for a start she's not black." My local area is about to experience one whole year of road improvements. 15

my back pocket'. The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the fuck up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' 'Only when he's pissed.' she replied.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 100mph, sir.' The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 70, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Fuck it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's a ÂŁ60 fixed penalty fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of

I was in the bookies earlier and the poster on the all said "Try a perm for better odds" I thought fuck it, why not, and went straight round to the hairdressers next door. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They'd rather sit in the dark than ask a man to do it for them. I was shocked when my neighbour gave birth to a snowman today. I told her it was a bad idea using her late husbands frozen sperm to get pregnant. On the flight to Melbourne, Mick Jagger calls over his PA. "You've got the bag with the passports?" "Yes. Relax," she tells him, "it's in the overhead locker." Five minutes later, he calls her over again. "The yellow jacket I'm wearing for tomorrow night's show. That got packed, didn't it?" "Mick. I've personally checked all the clothes for the tour. This isn't like you. What's wrong?" "I don't know. I've just got this nagging feeling I left something hanging on the back of the door at the apartment." Say what you will about Ryan air, but their tight fuel reserve policy guarantees a search radius of not more than 50 miles if one of their planes goes missing. 16

out of the way just in time." How many immature people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ha ha!! Screw! The manager in my local just said, "Poker in the pub tonight, Dave." I said, "Poke who?" If you're looking for me to be more tender and tasteful, you'll need to marinate me with a few pints of beer first.

'keep calm, carry on posters' for instance' They're making me wish we'd never fucking won the war.

You know your pissed when you've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to take your contact lenses out, and your not even wearing them.

Imagine my disgust at buying a copy of The Sun to read all about Kelly Brook's "love split", only to find it's actually an article on the state of her relationship!

The woman at the job centre said she had 3 openings for me. "Well, that's 2 more than the missus...", I thought to myself as I started taking off my trousers.

I said to my friend, "I saw my ex-wife whilst crossing the road today." "Did she recognise you?" he asked. "Yes," I replied, "but luckily I managed to jump

So Crimea has devised an independence referendum, voted, counted the votes and ratified the results ... all within 48 hours. Makes the Scots' performance look pretty piss-poor. What do you call a bear that hasn't got a mum or dad? Rupert the bastard. Advertising is a very powerful tool. Take those 17

I'm not a big fan of frozen vegetables. That's why I won't be watching the Winter Paralympics. My wife and I are going to try a bit of bondage in the bedroom. Whether she wants to or not.

Malaysian Air Search and Rescue service. About as useful as Bob Crow's pension.

World Cup 2014: Germany 2-1 England That isn't a prediction. It's the number of Benders in each squad.

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Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won ÂŁ50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?' "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Trophy Odinga, African, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken". Replies the Coroner. After checking my new girlfriend's phone, I found out she'd been seeing her old boyfriends. I thought to myself, "Two can play at that game." So I phoned my old boyfriends. A bloke was standing at the bar in a pub, when he heard coming from the public bar. One Thousand Three Hundred and Twelve, A minute later, One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Six. And then One Thousand Two Hundred and Nineteen. He said to the barman, what are they playing in there? Darts he said You can't get scores like that in darts, he replied. The barman said, You can if you use hedgehogs! A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking

washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying bastard" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot". "No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team". My wife has always stayed current on what is new and trendy in the fashion world. Take her beard for example.

It's not rocket science to suss out the feminists, in fact the equation is pretty simple. Underarm hair + Fringe = Militant knob dodger. My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart, that from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified. "Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right, nurse?" "Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father." I phoned the police station to tell them that a gang fight had broken out near the town hall. "Thanks for letting us know," said the sergeant. "I'll tell the lads to avoid it on their way back to the station." So this Eskimo child grows up hating the cold until the day he gets his license. He decides to strap snow- shoes to the roof of his car and keep driving until someone asks him what they are, then

he will know they have never seen snow and it will never get cold and that is where he will live. So he says goodbye to his people and off he goes. He drives for many months and he ends up in Zimbabwe. He writes home regularly about how warm it is and he's so happy but one day the letters stop coming. So his worried dad books a ticket to Zimbabwe to find his child. He eventually tracks down the kids ex boss and asks him what happened. The boss says "I have no idea. he was so happy here and he was such a good worker, but one day he strapped a black man to the roof of his car and just took off". My girlfriend just asked me, "would you ever want a baby?" "I'm sorry, I replied, "but I'm unable to have a child." "I'm so sorry" she replied with a tear in her eye, "do you have a medical condition?" "No" I said, "I have a court order." Are Mosquitoes that bite Muslims when they are praying in their holy building just known as itos?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman. It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so fuck him. Bishops are blaming David Cameron for the food bank crisis. Bit hypocritical of them isn't it? The other day I was starving and the church only gave me a sip of wine and 1 tiny fucking crisp. I caught the horrific stench of the putrefying, decomposing bodies as soon as I opened the door. "I would guess they have been dead for days, not just a few hours", I said. "Detective," my partner whispered, "the crime scene is next door. Leave the Singh's alone." "It's sodomy. It isn't gay love, it isn't natural, it isn't acceptable in the eyes of the lord, it isn't right." Preached the priest from the pulpit. "And it isn't my turn this week," shouted a choirboy from the back of the church. Sean Lock and Michael McIntyre were stranded on a desert island when the were captured and eaten by cannibals. As the cannibals began to eat them, one said, this one with the glasses tastes a bit funny, how's yours? He replied "Mine is okay' I wanted to surprise my girlfriend for her birthday, so while she was sleeping I snuck out with her medical bracelet and had my initials engraved on them. That way she would always carry a reminder of our love, for the rest of her life. You're welcome to use the idea, just make sure you give me the credit: David Norman Rogers.

complaining of a bad back. "I know how you feel. Being a big breasted woman I often suffer from lower back pain..." she sympathised as she signalled me over to lie on the bed. "Can I just ask you to remove your top so I can take a good look?" "No, you most certainly canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t," she replied. My wife lost 5 pounds today. She washed off her make-up.

I went to the doctor's this morning 21

ARCHERS ARMOR ARROWS AXE BARD BLACKSMITH BOW COURT CRYSTAL BALL DRAGON

DWARF ELF EVIL FAERIES GOBLET GOLD COINS GOOD HEADSMAN KING KNIGHT

LORDS MAGIC MARKET MINOTAUR MOUNTAINS PALACE POTION PRINCESS SHIELD SILVER

SPELL SWORD THRONE TROLL UNICORN VILLAGE WAGON WAND WIZARD WRAITH

Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 29 letters spell the name of a popular fantasy book. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win a set of jester key rings. Good Luck. 22

thorough job. Twice I've come home in the past month to find him cleaning the inside of our bedroom window, whilst embarrassingly my wife is still in bed.

"Would you mind if I nicked some milk and sugar?" I asked my neighbour this morning. "Of course I'd mind," he replied, "I've only had this security job at Tesco for two days." I'm going to start a business in India, but have the call centres in Scotland. See how those fuckers like it. I was out Shopping with the Wife earlier. A Woman came out of Iceland, and a Box of Frozen Fish fell out of her Bag and dropped onto the Floor. So I picked it up and put it into our Shopping Bag. The wife said "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady". "Findus Kippers", I replied. I was in the middle of a wank when my friend decided to finally confront me about my sex addiction. "I'm sorry" I replied "but masturbation is perfectly normal sexual activity." â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yes" he snapped back. "But not in the middle of a fucking super market." Our window cleaner doesn't half do a

I wish my wife would stop calling herself "A victim of breast cancer." I'm the one whose married to a woman with no tits. There was a sale on at my wife's favourite clothes shop today and I was amazed when she came home managing to carry 15 different bags. Whenever we go on holiday she's always moaning one suitcase is too fucking heavy for her to carry.

I had my first bus driving lesson today. So far I've learned how to drive straight past a crowded bus-stop when it's raining, pull out when I see a cyclist trying to pass and how to do an emergency stop when old people are trying to walk down the aisle.

The mysteries of life. How is it that we put Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in the account to pay it? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up Every two hours? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "able" people at the Paralympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes Out of it's arse." Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your 24

Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're Both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on....... Do you wonder why you ever picked up this magazine in the first place?

New Words for 2014 SWAMP DONKEY. TESTICULATING. A deeply unattractive Waving your arms person.. around and talking AEROPLANE bollocks. BLONDE. BLAMESTORMING. One who has bleached Sitting round in a dyed her hair but still group, discussing why has a 'black box'. a deadline was missed PERCUSSIVE or a project failed and MAINTENANCE. who was responsible. The fine art of whacking SEAGULL the crap out of an MANAGER. electronic device to get A manager who flies it to work again. in, makes a lot of noise, MILLENNIUM craps on everything and DOMES. then leaves. The contents of a PICASSO BUM. Wonder bra, i.e. A woman whose extremely impressive knickers are too small when viewed from the for her, so she looks outside when there's like she's got 4 buttocks. actually nothing in there SALAD DODGER. worth seeing. An excellent phrase for OH-NO SECOND. an overweight person. That minuscule fraction 25

of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. e.g. You've hit 'reply all. MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

DILEMMA A YOUNG MAN ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?". THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT". "IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING ON A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER". "WHICH ONE ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON ?"

When I received a letter from the Government informing me I was to be given a flat I was over the moon. This quickly turned to absolute fucking horror when I realised it was in Brixton. Immediately I got on the phone, and unleashed hell. "Am I fuck moving to that shithole!" I screamed. "Where I am now is nicer than that place, full of scrounging druggy black bastards!, I'm staying right here!" "Sorry Mr Brown" the guy began, "That really isn't an option". "Oh really?, and why the fuck not!?" I retaliated...... "Well", he replied......"You have served your whole prison sentence". An elderly golfer comes in after his round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar and restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swing doors he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: £ 3.50 HAMBURGER: £ 7.00 CHEESEBURGER: £ 8.50 CHICKEN ROLL £ 8.50 HAND JOB: £ 35.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the

exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a broad smile. “May I help you, Sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his eyes and with an even wider smile, purrs, “Yes sir, I certainly am.”The old golfer leans in even closer and whispers into her left ear, “Well, then, be sure to wash your hands real good because I want a chicken Roll.” 27

I sympathised. "Not as bad as it got!" he said. "De last one stripped me naked and raped moi ass!" "Why would he do that?" I asked. "Because he was de turd burglar." So Russia invades Ukraine, years after they broke away from them, Be warned Scotland, be warned. My Granddad has Parkinson's. When we have a family meal at a restaurant and he orders soup, we're the only ones who get to eat it. I was getting in my car at the Asda car park and this sexy hot girl caught my eye, she approached me and said "You look like the kind of guy I could have an afternoon session with". Turns out she was a personal trainer and just thought I looked a bit of a fat fucker. I hate needing to go at work, the toilets stink, there's piss all over the seat and it's hard enough trying to get an erection let alone having a wank.

It was the morning of my wife's birthday and she came down stairs I smiled at her,. "Would you like to try a spin in your birthday present? " I asked. She was flabbergasted,. "You're joking with me, of course I do, where is it?" "Follow me, " I said, and there it was in the kitchen, a brand new Hotpoint washer/dryer.

I'm going to have to get BT to fix my phone line the connection is awful. Last week I called a company and order a Mini Digger. 2 Days later a Black Midget knocks on my door.

When I told my wife I wanted to get one of those "naked couple holding the baby" photo shoots done, she seemed really excited. But so far she has acted like a right bitch to every girl I've auditioned. My mate Paddy was telling me about the I couldn't believe it when I looked through the dictionary today. It turns time three men broke into his house out chicken comes first. while he was asleep. "De first burglar woke me and toid me up," he said. Trusting a bank during an economic crisis is like trusting a fart whilst having "Den de next one slapped me around and demanded money." "Oh, that's bad," diarrhoea. I asked my mate, "Can I quickly borrow your iPhone to look at something on the internet?" "Sure," he replied, handing it to me, "What's wrong with your iPhone?" I said, "Nothing, I just have a massive bogey on my finger."

I dated a girl who was obsessed with Lego. She kept screaming it as I dragged her in the bushes. I've just come across FORMENTERA - Tel: 966 845 555 my great, great, great Kevin: 634 323 462 Ricky: 634 340 708 granddad's ownership Email: graniteautos@gmail.com papers for his black slave. All makes of vehicle serviced & repaired Must be the wog book. An Ethiopian farmer Find us behind the British Indoor Market walks into a bar. The There's a couple of them weren't all looking with barman says, "Long time, on this train I'm on, and squinted eyes. no seeds?" they've just started yelling Just a thought, but with Not telling me something something about Admiral Malaysia's capital city because you "don't want Akbar. having their very own to piss me off" is probably "Hi honey, I'm home." Twin Towers has anyone the best way to piss me Said the ginger. He then checked to see if there is off. also greeted the Marmite a plane sticking out of it. After suffering years of and the apricot jam. My doctor told me I had abuse from me over how If men wear Jock straps. dodged a major cancer stupid she is, my wife tried Should Women wear Fan bullet. Unfortunately, it to shoot herself. She belts? hit the wife in the tits. almost fucking drowned. The ironic thing about I haven't taught my dog I was pissed off when eating toast in bed is that how to sit. Because I my blind date agreed to it soon turns into a crumb know for a fact that he sex the first time we met. pit. never wipes his arse. I wasted ÂŁ20 on that knife. Those Chinese might find Midwife For Sale: My Japanese girlfriend has that plane quicker if they Will deliver. just found out the number of calories in sperm. So she's not eating whales anymore. I picked up some vaseline and started lubricating my penis with it. And I hadn't even got in the queue to pay for it. I was quite surprised to learn that Muslims are really into Star Wars. 29

How many Paralympians does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure, but I know one who'll take a shot at it. If we've to wait much longer for the Oscar Pistorius verdict, I'll forget who's supposed to have killed him. The Oscars show how far we have come over the last century, with all the technological advances and wonderful plotlines. That said, you still can't beat whipping niggers for entertainment.

If convicted Oscar Pistorius may have his prosthetic legs taken away leaving him just 4 ft tall, the ideal height for a prison cocksucker. After two days of evidence in the Pistorius trial, the prosecution's case appears to have more holes in it than Reeva Steenkamp's face. Say what you like about Oscar Pistorius , but if he ever lost both arms he'd make a fucking brilliant Swiss Army Knife .

I'm a bit disappointed that 12 Years a Slave didn't get an Oscar for best comedy.

The recent Oscar ceremony prompted me to think that they ought to have a category for the person LEAST deserving of an Oscar. And this year's winner is, Reeva Steenkamp.

I don't think any guy would blame Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend. When I'm bursting for a crap and my wife's locked in the bog messing about with her makeup, I've often wished I had a gun on me.

Oscar news, celebrity shots, red carpet... I'm sick of hearing about the Pistorius trial.

Apparently Oscar Pistorius was surfing porn sites on the night he shot and killed Reeva Steenkamp. Is there any sport this fella can't do? I was surprised not to see Oscar Pistorius taking any medals at the Winter Olympics. After all, no disabled athlete has gone downhill faster. As part of his defence, Oscar Pistorius' attorney has claimed he screams like a girl. Well he will once he's down on his knees in prison.

Video footage has been released of Oscar Pistorius firing the gun he used to kill Reeva Steenkamp. Unusual to see bathroom doors at a shooting range but invaluable practice nevertheless. The Oscar Pistorius trial is to be televised and shown on revolutionary 4D TV screens. That way you can smell the bullshit coming out of his mouth.

AND FINALLY Great Numbers in Comedy History: 2 - the number of Ronnies. 3 - the number of Stooges. Oscar Pistorius has been accused of firing a gun in a Johannesburg restaurant, 12 - the number of episodes of "Fawlty he claims it was an accident. To be fair, Towers". 1730 - the number of times this month if I were married to a blonde FHM I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't model I'd constantly be saying, "Sorry, got a leg to stand on" joke. it went off in my hand." too. 30

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no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife". Chickens got into my garden earlier and were eating my plants. I was screaming and shouting at them "Fuck off you little twats, piss off, get out of my garden!" just then Father O'Brien came past. "Really young man, such language in public is not acceptable. All you need to do is say 'SHOO SHOO' and you'll find the little twats will fuck off on their own". The stunning blonde dressed in nothing My wife came in acting strange. "Where more than a thong and negligee, let the have you been?" I asked "I've been to get plumber in. "Hello, is your husband not in?" He asked. "Does it look like he is a new bag" she replied sheepishly "You and your fucking bags" I shouted "What in?" She replied opening her negligee, "will I not do?" "No, not really," he said, have you got this time? Prada? Gucci? "I need your car reversing out of the Fucking Ralph Lauren? I bet its another fucking Ralph Lauren" "Colostomy" she drive." cried. I admit, I cried at my own wedding. Just seeing my future wife being escorted down the aisle by her father in her wedding gown, committing herself to me for the rest of her life. I thought to myself, "What the fuck am I doing?!" A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can 32

Next time you're feeling pissed off and some smart ass tells you you're not allowed to feel that way as there's always someone worse off. Remind them that that being the case then they're not allowed to feel happy as there's always someone happier. Wankers. My sister claims that she has one of the biggest twats in the country. It's her own fault for marrying a politician. "Is it wrong if I masturbate by staring at the Mona Lisa?" I asked my friend. "Of course not," he replied, "everyone has their own fetishes." "Indeed," I murmured. "Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I don't understand why the people were bitching about it at the museum." I threw a fat feminist into a cell at my police station last night. "You've left the laces in my Doctor Martin boots you prick!" She screamed, "I'm going to kill myself!" "Don't worry," I said to the desk sergeant, "There's no way those laces will take her weight." "You really loved that dick, didn't you?" I said to my horny girlfriend after rampant sex one night. "Yes I did," she replied, sluttishly. "Well then," I said, "Why on earth did you have it cut off?" My wife and I were driving along the road when she asked, "If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would it be?" "A dog!" I yelled. "Aw, come on," she laughed. "You can do better than that." "To late!" I replied. I was horrified when the plane burst into flames on

the runway, right before my very eyes! If only we'd arrived 20 minutes earlier, my wife would have been on it. I was listening to a radio talk show about the gay community when a text was sent in from someone saying. "I'm a gay man and I hate the phrase lgbt, I'm not transsexual and should not be grouped with them just because I'm gay". Fucking Homophobe! I don't know what bothers negroes more, the fact that they were once slaves or the fact that they are still black. Apparently homosexuality isn't a choice. Good.

I went to my cat's funeral today. Hopefully for the last time. I called my boss this morning and said, "Boss, I'm not feeling too clever." "You can say that again," he replied, "You've got the wrong number."

speaks in a higher pitch than normal. That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman.

I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night. "Are you going commando tonight?" I asked. "Yes," she giggled, I needed to get hold of my sister in an "How could you tell?" I replied, "Because emergency but I lost her phone number. you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger." Good job there's a public toilet down I went to America recently and bought the road. a mobile Chapel. It came with a full service history. I had just finished clearing away the barbeque when I saw on the news that researchers claim there is a link to Alzheimer's from barbeques and fry-ups. What a load of nonsense! I couldn't watch the news for long though, I had a barbeque to get started.

I dropped my trousers and said to the Doctor, "My penis has turned pink, what should I do?" "Do you have a younger sister?" He asked "Yes, she's 8. Why?" "Well stop using her wet sock to masturbate into."

I tried to teach my daughter geometry using Doritos, but it didn't help. Now she's fat and shit at maths. The Malaysian government are seeking the advice of Kate and Gerry McCann because of their expertise at hiding things near the sea.

The gay England International is obviously Ashley Cole. No straight man would cheat on Cheryl Cole for fuck sake. A new study reveals that when a women is attracted to a man, she 34

"She didn't die” I said “she just got fat." I walked into my mate's house, "Got any grass Dave? I'm dying for a smoke," I said. "Err, my brother-in-law's here," he whispered. "He's a policeman." "Okay." I said. "Does that mean none or lots?" I had an inspection on my rented house due, so I asked my mate for some advice: "I've got loads of little chips and dirty marks on my white paint, what should I do?" "Put a bit of toothpaste on it" he said, "they'll never know." I tried it, but wish I hadn't. If anything the red and blue stripes made it look worse I reached the front of the queue for a trendy club. "I'm sorry Sir but you can't I got to the bar last night and said, "A pint of lager and what ever that fit little, come in," the bouncer said, "we have a strict over 21 policy." "I'm in my forties!" tight arsed blonde is having sat over there." "She's with me!" The bloke next I protested. "I can see that, so fuck off to her shouted, jumping to his feet. granddad." I said, "Really?" You look old enough We sweated and held hands as we to be her Dad." "I am, she's 6 years stared at the Clearblue pregnancy test. old you fucking pervert," he replied. Negative. "Oh, thank fuck," she sighed I was playing snooker with a friend with relief. "How could I ever have when I managed to chip the white ball explained that to my husband? He had into a couple of balls that were resting his vasectomy years ago." "There are on the top cushion. Looking at him two lessons to be learned here" I said, rolling around on the floor, it's fair to wiping my brow. "Number one: you say my mate won't be trying that party aren't menopausal after all. And number trick again. two: we're going to start using condoms, mum." I bumped into an old friend today. He said, "It’s been a long time. Are you married now?" "How about your wife?" he smiled, "I imagine she is a beauty." I hung my head low, a tear running down my cheek, and said, "She was..." "Oh dear, when did she die?" 35

JUST SOME OF THE COMMENTS ABOUT FLABéLOS. I have much more energy, lost 3kg Great atmosphere with Emma and the music! Very Relaxing – Carol Sykes I have lost a lot of weight since coming here. I am very pleased with the weight lost. I was OVER 117kg now I am 104.9kg to date! – June Baker Was a little dubious when I first came two weeks ago but WOW! I have already lost 1 inch on every measurement I have taken of my body – I am now totally committed and very impressed. Would recommend to everyone – Lynn Loved FLABeLOS, will be back next time – have been inspired by Emma and my new tighter figure — Helen Heil Week 1, lost 2 kilos – Unknown More Comments in the next issue. Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to circus.... I sang as my divorce was finalised.

Did you hear about the two gay lads who started a cycle repair business. They called it Broke Bike Mounting.

As I stared at the stripper, I gently massaged my penis. "Get out of my hardware store," said the manager.

The wife and I fancy a romantic night in tonight so we are dropping the kids at their Gran and Grandpa's. They hate it there since my parents died.

birthday. So I'm flying to Brazil to start a new life. To ensure it's still there upon my return, I always leave dentures in my pint when I go for a piss at the pub. The wife doesn't need them at home anyway.

Police say motorists should drive carefully past schools. Easy for them to say, you try I blame the demise of those cute little red public driving carefully with toilets, that used to be on only one hand on the almost every street, on wheel. "I haven't taken an mobile phones. I remember changing my Acid trip in years." I said. My wife said I could do first nappy. I was a very Giving the tab to my self dependent baby. whatever I liked on my guide dog.

When my wife was murdered I made sure it was an open casket funeral. As a warning to my next one.

I love playing mind games with my wife. Today I bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong. I watched a directors cut of a porn movie last night. At the end of the film the guy actually fixes the washing machine. There's a young woman in your town. She walks the streets; she's scared, vulnerable, hungry. Please spare her a thought. Then call me, she's free after nine. Well, taking in what I've seen on the news today, Ukraine aren't going to give Russia fuck all in the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest!

12 years a slave. And an eternity to bitch about it. I've just counted 144 boils on my arse. Gross! I've just got back from watching wheelchair curling, It isn't as fun as it sounds. Bob Crow RMT Union leader died today. As a mark of respect all staff have to observe an unofficial 1 minute strike at 3 pm this afternoon. It's no wonder the police arrested me after my wife was shot. My prints were all over the harpoon.

I've been trying to turn my wife on for about an hour, but it just isn't happening. I'd better go and find a nurse who knows how to work the life support machine.

keep Andy Murray? Lenny Henry whinging about there not being enough Blacks or Ethnic Minorities on TV has quite clearly never seen Crime Watch. I'm not saying I'm tired... But there's more chance of Schumacher getting up for work in the morning.

Shame the little guy from Fantasy Island isn't around Rescuers have found anymore, he was shit hot at finding planes. a woman survivor from the Malaysian What do you call a black missing plane. Flo girl named Courtney? Ting is said to be Adopted. doing fine. America has astronauts. If Scotland does split Russia has cosmonauts. China has taikonauts. from the rest of the Jamaica has coconauts. UK , who gets to 37

What's the worst thing about sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina? Knowing you only put in 11. I said to my mate, "The Malaysian air disaster wouldn't have happened if my wife had been on it." He laughed and said, What is she some kind of superhero?" I said, "No, I'm just not that fucking lucky." What do you get if you cross a man with two planks of wood? A fairy tale that lasts 2000 years. For all those who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry. Paracrufts starts in 2 weeks. Bob Crow "There is no way there will be driverless trains in my lifetime". Well that's sorted then'. "Schumacher showing signs of recovery". BBC news Reports say that while being transported to another room he tried to ram the bed in front out of the way. "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me. "Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Really?â&#x20AC;? he asked. "No." I said.

DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER? Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right. A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a Famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my friends list.

BBC News "Searchers advised to look in wide area for missing airliner?" Have they tried Katie Price's Vagina?

investigate 'Yellow object' spotted floating in Vietnamese waters. Slightly racist, I think the technical term for them is 'Chinese person'. I asked my blonde girlfriend if she had ever tried lesbianism. "I've never been interested in politics," she replied. My mum came into my bedroom and caught me wanking. "I see you take after your dad," she said. "Why? Has he got a big dick as well?" I replied without batting an eyelid. "No," she answered, "he's a useless sarcastic wanker too."

When I first met my girlfriend she showed me a photo of her from when she weighed a whopping fourteen stone. I couldn't believe how fat she looked. Now, five years later, same picture, I can't get over how fucking thin she was. Sex with someone that doesn't want to is rape. I thought that was marriage? "I got rid of my snobby moaning neighbours who were forever giving me a hard time." "Oh, yeah, what did you do? Bury them under the patio or something?" "No, far worse for them, I adopted a black kid." After 10 years of marriage, I've learned an important lesson. Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing. Isn't it lovely to see all the daffodils out now that spring is finally here. For those of you in Somerset I hope you are enjoying your pondweed.

I bought a trampoline but there's absolutely no bounciness to it. Plus the legs are on the wrong way round. M&S have brought out a new dine in for two for ten pounds for all their Glasgow outlets. You get six cans of Stella and a steak for the wife's black eye.

"Do you like Llamas?" I asked my wife. "Yes I do," she replied. "Then good news," I said, "We're going to South America." "Great, did we win a competition?" she asked. "No," I replied, "I've just murdered your Mother." Rich kids have silver spoons. Poor ones have Wetherspoons.

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not cause trouble. Thanks to the Budget, if I buy 320 pints of beer, I get one free. Daily Mail online: "Youthful grandmother, 67, claims sperm facials are her anti-ageing secret." Doesn't seem to be working for Jordan.. I saw my wife taking a selfie with no make up on. I asked, I leave the toilet seat down when I have "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm a piss just to annoy my wife. If I really doing it for people with cancer." I said, want to get on her nerves then I leave "I think they're sick enough already." the lid down too. We were talking about dicks in the pub The checkout assistant in Tesco said, last night when my mate announced "I've "Would you like any carriers?" I said, got a freaky big dick." "Yeah, whatever." "No. Me and my wife adopted a couple I laughed. "How big?" "Very nearly six of African kids for that, but thanks for inches." He told me. "Eh? What? That's the offer." not very big." I said, puzzled. "What's The government have cut 1p off a pint freaky about that?" "It's on my back." of beer, which I think is a great idea, I went to the doctors yesterday about because it means northern men will my poor hearing and he said I had OCD. save roughly about ÂŁ6.94 per week. But when I got home and looked in my Women everywhere are posting selfies record collection I couldn't find anything by them. of themselves with no makeup on to raise awareness of breast cancer. Would it not make more sense to post pictures of their tits? That would get my attention. I was a bit sceptical when I saw these no make-up selfies for cancer awareness, But as soon as I saw Holly Willoughby doing one I found myself checking my bollocks. That's what I told the wife anyway. Living in Bradford, it sickens me when I hear people tar minorities with the same brush as criminals and rapists. Us white people are here to work, 41

Russia declared war tomorrow, we are still at least three years away from the States joining in. My mate shagged my sister and I wasn't happy about it. I hate sloppy seconds. My daughter came up to me today and said the four words every father fears, "Dad, this is Silas". We couldn't get into a club, so I got my wife to show her vagina to the bouncer. Then we sneaked in while he was being sick. The MOD are worried about Chinese spies infiltrating the UK. Border guards are now on Yellow alert.

I find it very difficult to stay in long term relationships. Even my mother dumped me after nine months. A new report out today says that up to 44% of women in the UK have been subjected to domestic or sexual abuse Just got a note saying that at one point in their lives. my hot beverage was okay It's just not good enough! I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out. Never saw my BMW again though. I don't know why people in the US are so afraid of World War III. Even if 42

to drink. It was a safe tea message. Just caught my reflection in a shop window as I was queuing to enter a strip club. I looked just like a fat bird in line at KFC. I uploaded a photograph of my new Chinese girlfriend. So far she's got 1.3 billion alikes on Face book. My blind date asked, "Do you visit astrologers?" I replied, "No, I'm too busy feeding my Lochness monster."

I said to my wife, "How come you always get confused and muddle things up?" She said, "Talk about the pot calling the toaster black." What do you call a lesbian that can use The Force? A Jedyke. What does a prostitute do? Fuck all.

Twelve years a slave was too much for me. It was my own fault though for taking that job at Amazon. 'Who's hungry?' Great thing to say when you want to order a pizza. Horrible thing to say when you're visiting an Ethiopian village. According to a survey 64% of U.S. students can't find Ukraine on the world map. The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

I'm not saying my wife is old, But her birthday cake this year looked like a porcupine. Women accuse men of not listening to them, but it's actually because female voices are a higher pitch, and are harder for men to hear...when they're not horny.

It's very difficult to get a lift back home I disagree when I hear from the middle of people say that black the motorway. people are lazy. Being Especially if you're holding caused flight MH370 to chased by the police a chainsaw. crash based on the items must be really energetic. they find floating in the A Penis has a sad life. To get over my obsession, sea. My money's on a I threw away all the books His hair is a mess; his turban. family is nuts; his next I'd collected on Dusty door neighbour is an My wife came home today Springfield. Now I just arsehole; his best friend and said, "You'll be sorry, don't know what to do is a pussy and his owner I'm going to leave you." with my shelf. beats him habitually. I replied. "Make your mind "How low can you get?" up, which one is it going to Authorities say they I said to the man whose be." can gain clues as to who ex-girlfriend found a video showing him having sex with her dog. "Well, I have done it with a Daschund but it hurt my knees." Jellyfish have survived for more than 500 million years without a brain. Now that's some really good news for the wife and religious people. 43

The fellow inmates have said that they will respect Adebolajo's religious beliefs in prison. They will help him in his daily requirement of being bent over with his arse in the air 5 times a day, while he screams for Allah to help him.

reason to... Wait a minute... I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring. Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window. My flatmate came home from work So its pancake day today, the day when early to find me masturbating to the we stuff our face with loads of fatty Curling. "Oh my god, you're scraping pancakes filled with honey chocolate the barrel, aren't you?" He said covering and syrup, or as it's known in America, his eyes. "Come on, now," I replied, Tuesday. "Can you honestly say you've never Putin persecutes homosexuals in his had a cheeky wank while watching the own country, then goes and enters Curling?" "Not the men's." He replied. another country through the back Shouting, constantly rearranging stuff door. Very mixed messages from Russia. and sweeping. No wonder women are After Wales 3-1 victory over Iceland so good at curling!! tonight, delighted manager Chris Curling: training Scotland's finest Coleman said they are looking forward road sweepers since 1541. to playing Farm Foods next week. Over 150 hurt and 35 killed in terrorist I'm looking forward to watching knife attacks in China. They kind of make Formula 1 racing next season now you suicide bombers look a bit like soft Susie Wolff is going to be driving. I'm expecting her to break several records. twats, don't they? Like slowest pit stop when she takes half Pancake day is in the same week as an hour to park up and put on her lippy. international woman's day. They don't I've been looking forward to Steak and exactly help themselves, do they? Blowjob day for around three months Say what you will about George W now, since I put a nice looking one in Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for my freezer. Just hope I can still prise Russian aggression in Ukraine. He'd her mouth open. have invaded New Zealand by now. Today is Steak and Blow-job day! So My lazy fat cow of a wife was getting being single I decided to treat myself to All excited about the curling in the a meal down at the local pub. When I winter Olympics. But when I bought got there a young waitress came over her a brush to do a bit of sweeping to take my order and I asked for a steak. with, all fucking hell broke loose. "And what size is it?" She asked. "About 6 and a half inches" was my reply. It's great to see that Russia has Happy Ask and Never Hear The evolved from a country where Fucking End Of it Day, everybody. Cossacks attack you for no good 44

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EYE TEST... Did you notice? What?!?! You didn't notice? Are you blind or what? She has 12 toes! Focus, people, focus!!!