Issue 69 October
Here we go again Dear reader. Another month down and more fun things going on in the world. We have more Celeb’s offering their support to refugees. I do not understand it. With all their wealth why don’t they club together and buy Greece for all of the poor refugees and give it to them. Problem solved. Then again perhaps they should look at all the poor homeless people already in the UK and offer them some help. That wouldn’t get the celeb’s much news coverage though Would it? Mr. (put your hands in your pockets) Geldof is a master at self promotion. I think he should try taking better care of his own family. The Conservatives must think it’s Christmas already with Jeremy Corbyn being elected as the Labour leader. It has to be the biggest mistake the labour party have made in almost 5 years. From a Miliband to this in such a short time. At least it wasn’t that looney Diane Abbot. If Corbyn ever gets elected to be Prime minister we can all kiss our homes goodbye. We will probably all have to pay extra room tax for not housing an overseas family. And before I get told it was the torries that imposed bedroom tax, I know ok. Another thing in the news was the drone killings. What’s the problem? Two
blokes who hold British passports are blown up by a drone plane attack. If the little fuckers had not been where they were training to be our attackers, they would still be alive today. They gave up being British the day they decided that they wanted to become terrorists, so ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’. Right then, back to bitching. Elderly divers. Gender is not the issue here, us lads know that woman drivers are hopeless, but they are experts when it comes to people aged 80 plus. If you are unlucky enough to get stuck behind one of them on a narrow road with poor overtaking places or at a fairly busy roundabout you are buggered. If they have a passenger too then you can kiss your day away. You would think they have all the time in the world and they don’t. Lets face it at that age the place they are going to get to soon enough they will not need a bloody car. A harp or pitch fork will be required. Until November all the best. Take care. Ed. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT GRAEME IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH “THE JESTER” AND DOES NOT REPRESENT IT IN ANY WAY.
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.
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Dear Editor, Here's a tip for you: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back. Dan. Torrevieja. Apparently Crack Cocaine has the same effect. Ed. Dear Editor, I bought a penis-casting kit and made my wife a chocolate dildo version of my dick for her birthday. When she opened her present, the first thing she asked was, "Where is the other one?" I said, "What the fuck are you on about?" She replied, "Don't Twix come in twos?" Alan. Basingstoke.
party is now run by Tom & Jerry. Jim. London. With Diane Abbot as the maid. Ed.
Dear Editor, I thought those red cords in disabled toilets were for when people need help. Turns out it actually just calls a man who smashes down the door then calls you a 'time wasting prick'. So that was you fucking about when I was having my Angiogram was it? Ed.
Yes Alan, they can be a cruel and an uncaring lot. But you mention how their arse looks like a Double Decker and watch the reaction. Ed. Dear Editor, Now that Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader, it's official: The Labour To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Debbie: 693542762 or
Julia: 608084795 or Paul: 664 10 60 10 Please send your letter s, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.
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I was trying to explain “the jester” to a friend the other day. And I described it as being 'black humour'. He said, "Oh, you mean quite dark and gritty?" I replied "No, all the jokes have been stolen."
decided to offer my spare room out to a Syrian in need. Providing she's under 21 with big tits and nice arse! I believe that we should all welcome immigrants with open arms. Firearms. The wife asked me if I My wife just called me. would like fellatio and She said, "The two kids cunnilingus tonight. "Fuck want you to take them that foreign food, give me Bowling on Saturday, then fish and chips" I told her. afterwards they want you to take them to the cineSyrian meal times. The men provide for the table ma." "It's either one or the other," I said, "otherwise and the women do the cooking. Leaving the kids it's too expensive." Okay," she replied. "Which one to wash up. do you prefer?" I said, Bob Geldof has offered 4 "David." families of Syrians, refuge Me and my son were in his 2 homes. There has arguing for a good hour been no takers as they whether the light stays have been through enough on in the fridge when you already. close the door... My son Following Bob Geldof's said it doesn't, I said it shinning example, I've does… In the end I took 4
his word for it and let him out. Sunbathing just gets harder and harder on holiday. If it's not Germans putting towels on the sun beds round the pool, it's Syrian kids taking the best spots on the beach. Judging by the state of the UK, Eastern Europe must be "closed for refurbishment." Is it Racist for a white person to smell?. Sat on the settee with my fat wife earlier, watching footage of the Syrian dinghies coming over and really sympathised with those poor souls. I didn't have much fucking room, either. Do you reckon Gerry and Kate McCann are grandparents yet?
You know you're a good rapist when she offers to get on top. I saw a spastic down the arcade today, Of course, that's not what we call them nowadays. I should have said "shopping mall." As I staggered in from the pub last night, I was faced with the usual "you are drunk again, have you no shame?" 'Fuck you' I thought, 'I don't have to take this shit from a table lamp'. I'm so ugly I have to rape my hand. My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?" "It’s Because it saw your mother naked." I replied. "Do know why you've been arrested?" asked the cop. "Because my girlfriend is a bitch," I replied. "Yes," he said, as he patted her and called the RSPCA. Two Paki women were talking in the corner shop when one said proudly to the other, "I've only been here in England six weeks and I can already speak Polish." I could tell the wife didn't want me to have sex with her tonight. She left the light on.
Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. I walked into the house money recently, There's and said, "Hello gorgeous," just something about the gave her a big kiss and queen's face that really started rubbing my hands turns me on. all over her body. "Oh, for On my wife's insistence, God's sake, give it a rest!" I went out and got one yelled my wife. "Shut up," of those penis enlargers... I replied, "you'll frighten She's 22, blonde and her the new puppy." name's Kim.
I came home tonight with a cut lip, bloody nose, and two black eyes. I can't believe the butcher just throws this stuff away. I've made a fortune people smuggling recently. These illegal immigrants who found their way to Hull can't wait to get back to Africa. Peppa Pig. Combine either of those elements into a spray and you've got a handy weapon for warding off Muslims.
Smart underwear for women will soon be available. I’ll probably smell of dolphin. How do you kill one hundred flies all at once? Hit an African kid with a shovel! A Young Cardiff man fighting for ISIS killed by drone attac From being brought up by the UK taxpayer to being blown up by the UK taxpayer.
Roses are black, Violets are black, Porn has ruined my life. My boiler has gone and I'm Everything is black. scared to call the plumber. Stevie Wonder. Aged 4. I've come into a lot of 5
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and she texts all her friends saying, "He's such a bastard, he's just blown me out at short notice, I think he's seeing someone else." A woman tells her boyfriend at the last minute that she can't see him that night and he texts all his friends saying "Pub?"
What's black and sleeps with my daughter? Nothing, You could easily think my wife must be a because I'm a good father. lot lighter than she actually is, the shape Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, of her. Balloon-shaped. he's mainly black and brown with a My son asked me recently, "Where do small white patch, so I've named him babies come from Dad" "Out of Mum's England ... tummy," I explained. "How do they get 'Celebrity Big Brother' For when your out," He then asked. "Mummy has a special hole between her legs," I said to career is more washed up than a Syrian refugee. him. "Well she must be having another one, I saw her feeding it a whole Latest update to the dictionary cucumber," he replied. PRECIPITATION To fall from the sky. Sex is made extremely difficult when See also; Rain, Snow, Vintage your disabled, by pepper spray and a and Malaysian airplanes. kick in the nuts. "Where were you yesterday?" asked a woman at work. "It was my wife's birthday." I replied. "Oh." she smiled, "What did you get her, anything nice?" "Just some Marigolds. "I replied. "Oh, how sweet." She swooned, "I do love flowers." "So does she," I replied, "but I thought washing-up gloves would be more useful." Just brought the missus a new Volvo with an automatic safety braking system. Waste of money. It won't let her off the fucking drive. A man tells his girlfriend at the last minute that he can't meet her that night 6
randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, Your Friendly "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow Home Cleaning Service. morning, put â‚Ź10,000 in a paper bag We are a Reliable, Trustworthy and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the Cleaning Service. playground. Signed, A blonde." The Call me on: 608 08 47 95 then pinned the note to the or contact me through my blonde kid's shirt and sent him home to show facebook page for a quote! it to his parents. The next morning, the http://m.facebook. blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple com/scrubberz38?_rdr Holiday home cleans, domestic weekly tree. The blonde looked in the bag and cleaning, key holding and much more. found the â‚Ź10,000 with a note that said, A scrubber a day keeps the dust away! "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? We will beat most quotes! The Wife has been moaning at me a My mate died during an orgy in his lot recently, saying that we have nothing home city of Norwich. I'm just glad his in common. Well I beg to differ, we've final moments were spent with family. both been inside her mother's vagina. Every time I throw the ball for the dog I'm not saying marriage is a bad idea for he goes and gets it but won't give it back everyone, but the filthiest thing I've seen to me. I just figure it's his way of saying: my wife do with a cucumber since we "You had the last two, you're not getting wed is leave it in the fridge until it's this one." reached its sell by date. My wife is trying to spice things up in Kate McCann said her heart stopped the bedroom by dressing up for me. when she heard a small child had been The last time she wore fishnets she washed up on a Mediterranean beach. had just been harpooned by some Not as much as Gerry's. Japanese fishermen. I hate being bipolar, It's awesome! I had another argument with my wife about her weight. Apparently it wasn't her blocking my phone signal, I had just run out of credit. A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid 7
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too." He replied. "Well I didn't want to say so, Abdul." I said. "But yeah, you and kippers." 1st September 1939, Hitler invades Poland, Polish flee to UK. 1st September 2015, Time to tell the Polish WW2 is over.
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.. After going upstairs, I slowly The EU has said more needs to be done removed my clothes and climbed under to help the Syrian refugees, especially the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," the children. Swimming lessons might I whispered, "My mum and dad are be a start. asleep." "I can see that," she said, I've just bought a Rolex watch for £50 "Haven’t you got your own bed?" off an immigrant. I reckon it came off You autocomplete me. Let's duck. the back of a lorry. He was bleeding quite badly and was clutching a French number plate. I walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," then showed him a photo. Confused, he said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair." "I know, mate," I replied. "I just told you she's fucking missing!" I've just been knocked over on a pedestrian crossing. The guy apologised then helped me flip my Smart Car. A man walks into a library covered in bruises, cuts everywhere and strangle marks around his neck. He slams a book down on the counter and says, "This is fucking useless." ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ "If there's anything I can't stand.." I told my workmate, "it's the smell of kippers. Fucking hate the smell of kippers." "Me S.R.S. “Senior Stylist City ‘n’ Guilds London
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The wife's cat has just spilt my large single malt on the carpet, so now I'll have to get up and get another one. But I'm too drunk to drive to the pet shop...
me. "If that's all you have to worry about, I feel sorry for you. I'm dying of cancer, you know!" "In that case," I snapped, "you of all people should understand the need to get a fucking move on." 12.6 Earlier today my mate came out and confessed that he was gay. Although he didn't put it in so many words, I knew what he meant when he told me ... He had muesli for breakfast. 81.4 Muslim asylum seekers are claiming they've converted to Christianity to increase their chances of gaining asylum. Immigration are rolling out their new Muslim detection kits: A pint and a bacon sandwich. Technically, aren't we all pre-op transsexuals?
I've just come to Pontins with the wife and kids and as they were joyfully running round in the fun filled child friendly site we thought, where would we be without these children.....The Bahamas probably. I've worked out that if I leave a note on What do you call an underwater my wife's pillow, I am more likely to get conservative child molester? sex that night. But the kind of sex I get A Torypedo. depends on whether I leave a £20 or a £50. I asked my movie buff Doctor to recommend films to see before I die. He said if I started when I got home, Citizen Kane and then anything under 90 minutes.
"Mummy, mummy, uncle Jeremy has got a willy like a peanut!" "Do you mean it's small?" "No, it's salty!" I was in the queue in Tesco and the woman in front was joined by her mum with another basket of shopping. "Fuck's sake," I muttered under my breath, "take all day, why don't you?" She turned on 9
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian? The day I proposed to my wife was the best day of my life. Her mother died of a heart attack after hearing the news. "Oh come on you ignorant prick!" my wife scoffed, at the pub quiz last night, "Surely you must know who Stephen Hawking is!" "I've never heard of him," I said, "If he came walking in here now I wouldn't have a clue who he was".
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Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! I don't have a problem with black people, as long as they do it in the privacy of their own home. One day, a farmer was out mending fences and at some point along the way he lost his Bible. A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him clutching the Bible between its teeth. "Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you Lord, it's a miracle!" "Not really," says the sheep, "Your name is inside the cover, you daft twat." I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget. "You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked. "Looking a good time, are you?" she said, smiling. "No," I said. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that could fit through my cat flap." Went on a date with a librarian last night, she cost me a fucking fortune. My own fault really, keeping her out too long.
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A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction "85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the UPVC WINDOWS DOORS dentist replied. "85 quid! Huv & CONSERVATORIES ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, didnae use any anaesthetic?" ALICANTE, SPAIN. "That's unusual, sir, but I could TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 do it and would knock 15 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye still without any anaesthetic?" "I can't confirm an appointment for the wife guarantee their professionalism and it'll next Tuesday then?" be painful. But the price could drop by After seven years of research I can 20 pounds." "How aboot if ye make it a confirm that masturbating to porn leads trainin' session, ave yer student do the to an unrealistic perception of women. extraction with the other students I discovered that in the first afternoon, watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for but it's best to be sure. the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll Arrived in Bradford today and thought, charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! "What a kind city, to let so many refugees from Syria come and stay." Then I realised they were the locals. I asked a girl I was chatting to on the Internet if she fancied meeting up. She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I never even seen you!" "Wierdo? Don’t be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town...at say 7?" "Oh... Go on then!" She said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me." "Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels." What did the disgruntled archaeologist say to his colleague? "I've got a bone to pick with you" I'll never forget when I discovered my Mum was a porn star. It was one of the most confusing wanks I've ever had. 11
could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he 12
'I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Every time I'm tempted to buy cigarettes, I put ÂŁ6 in my baby's piggy bank. That'll probably pay for the abortion. When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother: "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: "You're a boy, you daft twat. Now get out of your sister's clothes and fuck off to school!"
"According this app, walking the dog four miles burned 500 calories" my wife puffed as she staggered through the door, "That's twice as much as us having sex!" I replied, "Yeah, and it's much less likely he'll bite you". I have recently been wearing my girlfriend's knickers, back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys. Why do women sound like they're having an orgasm when they play tennis? And why does my wife sound like she's playing tennis in the bathroom? Apparently a large number of Britain's teenagers are suffering from low self-esteem and body image issues. Not all of them, though; it's just the fat and ugly ones.
I was standing in the centre of Newcastle after a night out, eating my chips, when a local bird came staggering over, "Hey, handsome." she smiled, "Fancy taking me back to mine and giving me one?" I said, "Not really, you fat cow, buy your own." My mate told me he was afraid of spiders. I said, "You must be an arachnophobe" "No", he said, "I'm okay with anoraks."
My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'. "I found mine years ago, "I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..." My mates tipped a bucket of water based paint over my head for my birthday surprise. It brought tears to my eyes. I was overcome with Emulsion. I've grown to hate low ceilings. 12 A
What's black and risky to cut through? The line at KFC. Whilst in bed last night I said to the wife, "After twenty years of marriage you remind me of your mother." She asked, "Do you mean I'm looking old and wrinkly?" I replied, "No, you've started to become a good fuck." Homosexuals have been allocated their own Patron Saint; St Francis of the Sissies. I was pissed off when my dog destroyed his new chew toy in a couple of minutes. Kittens are fucking expensive. I'm wondering if porn-stars should be filmed smoking during sex. After all, children might be watching.
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I was staring at this beautiful girl down the pub. She had a milky white cleavage and a slightly open 'I'll suck you off' mouth. She caught me staring and said "Take a picture, It'll last longer". So I did. Turns out she was right. I've been wanking over it all week. I think I've worked out why only nine people have made donations to the National Sperm Bank‌ It's probably because these days most people do their banking online.
There are two kinds of people in life. Those who need a gentle nudge from time to time, and those who need to be thrown off a cliff.
I said to my wife, "I've bought 2 tickets for the cinema tonight." "But what about the kids?" She asked. I said, "I've ordered that baby sitter from number 76 to come round." She said, "Is that the young, pretty, blonde one with the big boobs?" "Yes," I replied. "Your sister is picking you up at 7."
I got pulled over for speeding earlier. As the policeman approached our car I said to my wife, "You're gonna have to show him your fanny. 2 more points on my license and I'm banned." She said, "I'm not showing my bits to bribe a police officer." "I mean to scare him away," I replied.
I jumped in a taxi with my date back to my place last night. I said to her, "What would you say to a blow job when we get back to my place?" She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... So why not, ok!" "Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that ok with you mate? I'm fucking skint."
"Who wants to feed the hippos?" I excitedly asked my children on a day trip. "Can you please leave?" said Doreen, the Weight Watchers meeting leader. I’ve just sniffed a scented candle that smells of pussy. I found it in my wife's underwear drawer.
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I'm so homophobic, I devised a way of wanking without touching my own knob. My mate Dave does it for me. As the British Muslims want to go to Syria to fight with ISIS, and the Syrians want to come to Europe. Why don't they just house swap? "Do you have any superstitions?". My mate asked me. "None. Touch wood". My mate found a stunning Syrian lady on a dating site but then she stopped messaging him. He was devastated. Told him not to worry, there’s Plenty more Refugees in the Sea.
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I realised I have a road rage problem Cheapest on the strip. when my five year old daughter shouted, bar. "Careful," said the barman. "You're "Pick a fucking lane, wanker," while heading for a broken nose and cracked sitting in my grocery trolley. ribs." "Is he the jealous type?" I asked. I reported my neighbour to the police "Not at all," he replied, "but she likes it when I caught him having sex with an on top." Alsatian dog. See how he likes having The thing I like most about being a his collar felt. plumber is when a woman phones me You can burn up to 150 calories up and asks if I can service her manhole. through one vigorous session of Why did the two lesbians fall out? masturbation. Still got kicked out of Because one had a strop on. my Weight Watchers meeting though. I got stopped by the police in Bradford Got a real shock when looking at my today, for driving the wrong way down arsehole in the mirror this morning. Those paparazzi must have the mother a one way street. "Didn't you see the arrows sir?" The copper asked. "Arrows? of all zoom lenses. I didn't even see any Indians." I laughed. I really do feel sorry for green eyed He said, "Are you joking sir, there's monsters who aren't the jealous type. fucking thousands of them around My wife has lost her voice... No wait, here." she was just yawning! Apple's Find my Friends location based My wife wanted something big for her app is superb. I can see how far away my 40th Birthday. So I bought the fat bitch wife is away from the house before I can a belt. have a wank. At the end of the night I was chatting up this fat bird in front of her bloke at the
Try as I may, I can't see how Homosexuality can be inherited. 15
AND JUMP OFF." The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO FUCK YOURSELF, Sir." The Officer turns around to the American and says, "Now THAT'S fucking bravery."
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Looking at how old the queen is. I think I will start buying my stamps individually. I don't want to be left with a book of useless stamps..... Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip. "Oh great," I thought. "Where the fuck are we going to keep a horse?" 200 ISIS jihadists are walking through the desert heading towards Syria. "I'm not looking forward to this," said Abdul "Why not?" asked Muhammad "Those Syrians, they're an aggressive lot. And there's millions of them! They'll risk their lives and stop at nothing to get what they want! Got a bad feeling about this. We must be insane going against that lot, they're like the perfect fighting machine!" "Don’t worry!" laughed Muhammad. "Haven't you heard? Europe is giving away free money, homes, clothes, food etcetera! They've all fucked off to Europe!" "Phew!" said Abdul. "I was getting worried. Hey, wait a minute... Why are we going to Syria then?" "To buy a dinghy!" A £10million drone has killed two British jihadis whilst being controlled from 3,000 miles away by RAF pilots in Lincolnshire. At that rate, it would cost £5trillion to clean up Bradford. I think it's a great idea that David Cameron has pledged in all of our 17
name, to let thousands of Syrians into Great Britain. I also think that the first family coming here should be given the keys to number 8, Downing Street. See how he likes that. The teacher pulled me up in front of the class today.. "This is the worst English test result ever been handed in." She sneered. "Have you anything to say about it?" "Just two words, Miss." I replied. "Go fuck yourself." I'm shit at maths, too. Personally I've had enough of these women coming onto my TV at night telling me how much they want to talk to me. Fucking ring me then. I think Paula Radcliffe must have been a doper, the only other people I've ever heard of taking a huge dump while running and wiping their arse on some bushes have been off their tits. I have loads of facebook friends who have studied at, 'The university of life'. So I have sent them links for colleges doing basic reading, writing, and maths courses.
Prophet Muhammad and it's been featured in a magazine. I won't have Muslims after me though. His nine-year-old wife is depicted sat on his face.
Americans don't have drills or screwdrivers. They just put the screw in and expect the whole fucking world to revolve around them. What does a Welsh Muslim shag until he gets his 72 virgins? 'Is lamb. My ex sneezed so I said bless you. Now I can't move because she's just standing staring at the bush with a confused look on her face. I've adopted a black kid and named him "Google." I mean, it makes sense, he is going to get searched constantly anyway.
I like to think that I am the perfect gentleman and would never suggest having sex on our first date… Said my new prison cellmate.
the same day that I won the lottery. It's champagne I ran a Paki over the and cigars from here on other day. I was going in. to go back and see if he As part of my sentence was O.K, but I was having for sexual assault, I was way too much fun in my made to attend a Rape speedboat. Victims' Empathy Course. My mate makes crockery I had no choice and I didn't enjoy it. disappear. I said are you a Some women don't like wizard? He said no I'm a to be told that they have saucerer. an incredible arse. Today, I met a girl with 12 for example, she just nipples… Sounds funny wanted to get back to dozen tit? reporting the rape.
People say it's immoral to….. 1) Lie 2) Cheat 3) Murder Having gay parents must be fucking horrible. I 4) Steal mean, either you get twice 5) Rape 6) Be Racist the amount of awful dad I agree, and if everyone jokes or get stuck in an obeyed the first 5 then infinite loop of "Go ask there would be none of your mum!" the 6th. By a quirk of fate, I gave up cigarettes and beer on I drew a picture of the 18
An old couple were sitting in the snug bar of the local pub when the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very pub where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Pete, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most energetic sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me,
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I couldn't help noticing but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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Deep down, he's still one of us!
Just seen Mike and the Mechanics' tour bus broken down at the side of the road. Lying twats. In at number 3) it's Blair. New at number 2) it's Ritchie. And a new entry at number 1) we have Messi. It's the Lionel countdown.
BBC News... Clinic leaks patients' HIV status. "Well I hope they've mopped it up, I don't want to catch it?" I Typed "Bi Curious" into Google maps It advised I continue straight. My frigid wife put in more effort than usual in bed last night for our monthly shag, and it shows. I've been on cloud six and a half all day. I found a rucksack under my sons bed today. It contained four wank socks and a copy of the Q'ran. I think he's involved in terrorjism. I got in trouble for taking the piss out of a couple of hipsters today. Apparently, the politically correct term is 'conjoined twins'. There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout. "Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?" "Killed a cyclist," I replied.
If the population of China was to walk past you in single file, the line would never end due to the rate of reproduction. To be honest, I'd be fooled with a line of 20, they could just keep re-joining the back. "This isn't something I'd normally do," I mumbled to the high class prostitute. "Only, last week my wife left me..." "It's okay," she interrupted. "I understand you must miss her very much." "...five thousand pounds in her will," I continued saying. The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard too, I would think, considering it's your phone number! My wife makes a lot of noise in bed. She chews with her mouth open.
My wife had been seriously ill in hospital for twelve months and our teenage daughter was in absolute hysterics when she died. Hardly surprising, I'd had a whole year to work on the jokes. 20
BBC News: Three Welshmen not making the Rugby World Cup, after an ankle strike, a knee strike and a drone Saturday 31st Halloween Fancy strike ruled each of them out Dress Party 9pm. respectfully. Live Music With Chloe Leigh´s The wife asked me to get that Cher Tribute & More. spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. So I bought her some Also Rugby World Cup Final. femfresh. Monday Closed. The wife never nags me about Wednesday 8:30pm Quiz Night my drinking, smoking weed, going Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm with prostitutes, watching porn, or leaving the house in a mess. That's because we haven't spoken since she left, 15 years ago. I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching in a above your weight there aren't you, pal? drawer. Suddenly that childhood Where did you find her?" "I met her in memory of an alien abduction that I Thailand," thought was a dream just got a whole I replied. "We're due to get married lot scarier. next month." "You don't want to get Porn is a great teacher, I'm not even married," he said. "That's when the scared to get pulled up for speeding blowjobs stop." "I don't mind that," I anymore. replied. "I hate giving her them anyway." The wife's livid with me right now, as it My girlfriend had just passed her driving looks like we're going to be late for her test so she drove me to town. It was packed but we managed to find a space chemo appointment. But SOME of us but she was nervous about doing a have fucking hair to do. parallel park. "I'm confident in you babe I just walked in to find my sister's black just do what you did in the test" I said girl friend playing Mario Kart on my So she slowly started unbuttoning my Nintendo Wii, "Fancy a game?" she flies. asked. "Why not." I replied grabbing the other controller. "What race do you fancy?" she asked. "The white one usually." I replied, "but, beggers can't be choosers." I Went round to my uncle Frank's house and found an alien mask, some Vaseline and a long metal tube 21
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licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in. I said, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?" He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?" "Yeah I am" I replied, "I just don't have any money."
My wife was doing a crossword when I said, "Fancy sucking my dick when you've finished that?" "Is the Pope Catholic?" She replied. "Yes, yes he is." I said rubbing my hands together. "I thought so." she smiled as she continued to fill out her puzzle. Bitch!
"What's up?" Asked the barman. "You look miserable." "That's an understatement," I admitted. "Despite medical advice, my wife insisted on giving birth to our twins naturally and now her fanny's ruined." "Cheer up," he replied. "My missus gave birth to twins too. Admittedly it took a while, but hers is back to normal now." "Really? I bet your twins weren't conjoined at the head though, were they?" Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full if Pakis? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Selling a pair of jeans on ebay and the buyer asks if they're pet and smoke free. I told her if the dog was able to walk around in jeans and smoke I wouldn't need to sell shit on ebay. I'm proud to say that I've opened my front door to refugees. Only to say, "Fuck off!" If Muslims think theirs is the true religion. Why are they flocking to Christian countries for sanctuary. I was standing outside the off 23
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night when she whispered in my ear, "Talk dirty to me." I said, "Ooh, okay, fuck off back to your own country you slag." "Hey Velma, why don't you go with Scooby and Shaggy and look for the ghost while Daphne and I fuck in the van?" What Fred should've said on every single episode. Angry birds is clearly a commentary on the middle East conflict. The white birds drop bombs on primitive structures while the black ones blow themselves up.
I just met the girl of my dreams... and, typically, she turned into a troupe of dancing hedgehogs and sang Bohemian Rhapsody through a megaphone. Elton John wants to meet the Russian president to discuss the ban on gay rights. I reckon he's just hoping he'll be Putin his dick up his arse. I was having sex with a Polish bird last
Nobody has ever seen the invisible man. And if that doesn't prove he's real I don't know what will. Cameron has promised to take 20,000 refugees in the next 5 years. That's a lot less than the 300,000 that sneaked into the UK this year. My wife said that she was at that age, where she needed panty liners. I told her, "The size of your knickers, you need ocean liners."
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On Thanksgiving day, a little boy hears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, Mum, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Dad, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "Fuck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey." At a gig last night Harry Styles had a Coke can hit him in the face. Still, it must make a nice change from Louis Walsh’s balls.
I was chatting up this girl at the club last night in front of her boyfriend. I was saying, "Come home with me for some I saw a sign in the doctor's surgery good night loving!" "Um HELLO," said today saying I was "welcome to her bloke, "I'm standing right here, you breastfeed". Apparently I'm not. know!" "Sorry mate, you're not really And now my wife wants a divorce. my type," I replied. It's nice that Germany have learnt from My parents gave me a really cheap their past humanitarian mistakes and are dictionary for my birthday yesterday. helping sort out this Syrian refugee crisis. I couldn't find the words to thank them. Turns out the German police are If sex with two people is called a rounding them up onto trains and twosome and sex involving three concentrating them into camps...hmm.... people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome! As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself, "This is the weirdest fucking Whoever stole my trainers whilst I birthday present ever." was on the bouncy castle, just grow up! 27
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"What is his name?" I said to my Neighbour Mr Chung pointing at his new dog. "Main course" he replied. Failing my gynaecology exam is something I'll always regret. I could have been a cunt tender. I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle. Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo! I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof! I got a new Jack Russell
pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England. Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls! The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?" "It's not just any wand." 28
I replied, "It's a magic wand!" "Really?" she said, "What's it do?" "Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words. "Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!" "Fuck me love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this." "What is it?" she asked all excitedly. I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!" Bradford council have said they will take 10,000 refugees, but only on the condition they learn to speak Punjabi first. I said to a woman last night, "One good turn deserves another, right?" "No, you prick!" she screamed. "It's still gang rape!"
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boring desk job and that’s a nice word for the people I work with. My wife wants outdoor sex but I don't. But marriage is all about compromise so I'm going to fuck her through the letterbox.
I asked my wife what she'd like me to get her for our Email: thefirestationlazeia@outlook.com 25th wedding anniversary 9 out of 10 men prefer large boobs. and she said, "Darling, nothing would The other man prefers the 9 men. please me more than a World Cruise." The double standards in society today So, I got her nothing. piss me off...Little Mix say all over the Customer: "Would you like to know radio. "Take a sip of my secret potion, how you can sell a lot more coffee?" I'll make you fall in love. For a spell that Starbucks Owner: "Yes of course. can't be broken," They get applause and How?" Customer: "By selling a lot a hit record. I follow the same rule with less froth". my dates and I am labelled a dangerous I used to get over excited. But I'm woman drugging rapist and ordered to WAHEY calmer now. sign a register for 8 years. "Why do you always treat me like a kid?" asked my wife. "Good question, love," I said, "but next time raise your hand before you ask me something." I've got two of the most fundamental things it takes to make it on The X-Factor‌ My nan's just died, and I dress like a right nob. If watching the Americans in Celebrity Big Brother has taught me anything, It's that only the good ones get shot in schools. "Whatever you do," I advised my mate. "Do NOT ask your wife for anal sex." "Why not?" he asked. "Because she slapped my face when I did." I get paid to stare at vagina's all day. I'm not a gynaecologist, I just have a 29
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Got a cold call the other night asking if I vase, after I tried to pick out a Smartie had wi-fi at the property. Yes, I told him from the bottom using just my teeth. but she's too stoned to come to phone. I've told my son to ring the fire brigade, My Uncle came round the other day and but apparently, he doesn't know the asked me to help him with a jump start. number. I don't know where that Luckily the Ambulance crew had already dumb little fucker gets his brains from, sometimes. arrived by the time I got there and my Auntie Jean was fine in the end.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But letters threatening his kids also works.
'Life's a bitch, then you marry four'. Old Mormon saying.
Tonight's OCD meeting is on, off, on, off, on.
I asked my girlfriend if she fancied watching '3 men and a little lady".. She said "Is that the film with Tom Selleck and Ted Danson?" "No it's a documentary about Muslim taxi drivers in Rotherham".
Incredibly, my wife being so fat that she had to buy two seats wasn't the most embarrassing thing about our flight... She didn't even notice the armrest in the middle.
Cost of calling babestation t.v on Sky ÂŁ1.50. The look on the bird's face when you say "Fuck me you've let yourself go" then hanging up.. Priceless.
My sex life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name too Seldom Bin Laid!
I had a row with my wife last night, she My mum didn't half look shocked, when threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at out of nowhere I asked how she liked to me and it only just missed my head. It masturbate. "Alone, if you don't mind." must have been Lenor because it was a She replied. bit too close for Comfort.
My 12 year old daughter told me she wants to become a Vegan. Fuck that, no child of mine is running around with big ears giving people Death Grips. I've currently got my head stuck in a
My wife said, "Can we make love like Elvis" and I said " what, "A little less conversation and a little more action!" When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster. 31
My boss told me that I had to ship 3 lions from France to Chester Zoo in the back my wagon yesterday. So I decided to pick up a bunch of asylum seekers along the way. Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?" "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it. I decided to do some clandestine research on the basic mistakes murderers made before actually killing my wife. "What kind of thing would lead you to suspect the husband?" I asked. "Well," the desk sergeant pondered. "Turning up at a police situation and asking suspicious questions whilst wearing a Groucho Marx glasses and false nose disguise would probably be a bit of a giveaway."
A Pro's Advice: A man goes to a golf pro for some advice. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood." The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I My girlfriend is so kinky, yesterday she can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or tied me to the bed, smothered me in glue, and stuck cotton wool all over me. you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting She then untied me and begged me to fuck her hard. I tried so much, but I just on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom." "Wisdom is yours," says the couldn't get an erection. She made me angel, disappearing in another puff. feel really sheepish. The smoke is barely clear before the Once I beat up the school bully with man thinks, "Fuck, I should have taken a baseball bat. Both his arms were the money." completely broken. Which is what I remember when we first got gave me the courage to do it. married, the wife use to give me a I got banned from Waterstones today tit wank by kneeling down. Now we're for moving all the 'Caution Wet Floor' older, she stands and I kneel down... signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' aisle. Down Syndrome girls give the best I said to my wife, "I'll make the tea." the Oral. They can't tell the difference She said, "Fucking hell, that's a first." between a dick and an Ice cream on a Four hours later I shouted from the hot summers day. kitchen, "Tea's ready." She walked in There are around 3.5 billion penises mumbling, "About fucking time, I'm in the world. So who saw the need to starving." I said, "Do you want milk invent the dildo? and sugar in yours?" 33
This No Smoking in public places has gotten ridiculous.
My wife accused me of not being not involved enough in our son's life. "How dare you?" I snapped. "Paul wants for nothing." "Wait" she tried to interrupt. "No", I continued, "I'm not having it. I work 60 hours a week so he can have everything he wants." "But" "Just because I don't get home for bedtime doesn't mean I don't love him." I asserted. My wife stared at me silently. "What?" I asked. "His name is Dylan."
First, I got a tattoo on my cervical that said "5". Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4". Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3". After that, I got one on my sacrum that said "2". And now, I'm getting one I went to a flower shop on my way to on my coccyx that says "1" It's the spinal the hospice and asked for a dozen roses. countdown. "I'm sorry sir," said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of day’s life left in them. " "No problem, "I replied, "That's more than enough time." So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling. But child obesity is rising. Just goes to prove no one wants to fuck a fatty. "I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?" "Not at all," I told her. "Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?" "Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that fucking size attached to it." Got my kids Frozen yesterday. And the sperm bank paid me £50 for doing it. My girlfriend's HIV test came back positive. But I fucked her again just to make sure. 34
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to the doctors with severe thrush. This afternoon my dog was rushed to the vets with a lactose intolerance problem. My wife was told to apply yogurt to the infected area. Still no idea what sparked off the dogs allergy. My daughter asked for a tarantula for her birthday. I went down the pet shop and they wanted £100 for one! "Bugger that", I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web".
Number one pick-up line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform or is it just me?" In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly. The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand. When I was a trainee plastic surgeon, I made some big boobs.
Alice in Wonderland is the perfect example of optimism. Where else can a young girl follow a stranger deep underground, drink a magical liquid and have an adventure that doesn't end with being dumped in a river in a sack full of bricks? These days it seems that the only thing my wife and I have in common is that we're spending an increasing amount of time with her sister. While waiting to finalise their Australian resident status, two 35
My wife came in out of the garden and said, "Three pairs of my knickers are missing off the line." I said, "I know, the kids from next door have them." She said, "Why have they got them?" I said, "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon." Yesterday was National Dog Day, today is National Burger Day. Except in Korea, where they cut through the bullshit and combine the two. A guy asks his blonde girlfriend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car a Lamborghini she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it. One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better
than Beckham." The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football anymore." The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon." The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket anymore." She begins to cry. "Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, "Six months." "So what's the date?" asks the woman. "April 1st," says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking all along then, were you?" Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact." Celtic supporters have received letters over their personal hygiene. It stated, they have no issue with them wearing clothes from the 70s, but still expected them to wash them from time to time. What type of ants ruin a coastguard's bank holiday? Migrants. 36
Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became 1. Man-Flu is more painful than so ill that her head literally fell off. childbirth. This is an irrefutable 9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful scientific fact. than He-Man, The Thundercats and 2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a The A-Team combined. They are too condition so severe that the germs strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady from a single Man-Flu sneeze could medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother wipe out entire tribes of people living trying to force them on a victim of in the rainforest. And probably loads Man-Flu. of monkeys too. 10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu 3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At sufferer is just lying around enjoying worst they suffer from what is medically 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, recognised medical fact that the exact if a man caught, he would still be able to pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in voice has remarkable soothing powers. half and compete in all other kinds of Every minute in this country one man is manly activities. struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we 4. Men do not 'moan' when they have ask is that each of you offers them a cup Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of tea, some kind words and your undiof agony that are entirely in proportion vided attention and care. Then maybe, to the unbearable pain they are in. just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous 5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will disease together. take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it 6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast). 7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and go to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. 37
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thought I'd go and help. "Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death." We've got a Muslim at work that we call ISIS Abdul. Nothing to do with terrorism, he's just In Saturdays In Sundays... Don't hope for someone to sweep you off your feet because sweeping is what people do to clean up a mess. 32 ISIS members killed in an American drone strike. Good result, but what were the Americans doing attacking Bradford?
Two of my children have committed suicide over their weight disorders. My anorexic daughter shot herself in the chest, but my obese son shot himself in the wardrobe.
As a doctor I find it funny how grown women still refuse to have injections. It's all 'who the hell are you?' 'How did you get in my house?' 'where is my husband?' The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected. Only women came.
After taking a photo of my dad with the I was mortified when my dog bit a fish he just caught, he told me to throw traffic warden for no reason. He was it in the river. Totally ruined his camera. only supposed to do that if I was being given a ticket. The UK welcomes coloured people with open arms. The USA deals with coloured people with firearms. When attempting to rob a bank always focus on the part of the bank where the money is locked away. Just to be on the safe side. Why does it take 7 days to refund money into my account when it took just 7 fucking seconds to withdraw it? I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I 39
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' ’Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on
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a plane in the War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.
I saw my wife jogging today and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse..." Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van. The Doctor asked me why I kept on beating my wife, so I told him the truth. I've got a longer reach and better footwork... It's clear to see from this refugee crisis. Syrian schools don't do swimming lessons.
brain surgeon, Sue, but I think not liking dick played more of a part. According to new research, it is actually possible to catch Alzheimer's. Above the GAMMA Supermarket, Doña Pepa. Well I'm going to stop fucking my gran FRENCH CHEESE & WINE PARTY then. It'd be a shame if we both couldn't WEDNESDAY remember me doing it.
2nd September (6/7pm) Roule, Morbier, St Agur & Comte ONLY 6€ Includes glass of Beaujolais per PRE-PAID person plus free small house drink to anyone wearing French costume! OO LA LA!! NEXT PARTY: WEDNESDAY 7th OCTOBER
Politicians are like women's moods. It's everyone else who has to pay for them. I think I can see what the problem is, Muslims can’t live with Jews - Palestine Muslims can’t live with Muslims- Iraq Iran Syria. Muslims can’t live with Christians -Nigeria and other African states. It’s the hot weather!!!
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up "Dad, I am suffering a lot of blackheads your girlfriend's arse! recently." "Wash more and use facial scrub in your teen’s son." "No dad, the I went for a job interview the other niggers at school keep head butting me." day. One of the questions I was asked was "what is your motto?" "Whatever I bought a big, multi coloured kaftan. you do, never quit" I replied. Today I "It's for my wife," I explained to the received a letter. assistant. "Hippy?" she asked. "Yes," "Dear Sir, unfortunately your application I said, "and stomachy and arsey". for the position of manager of the Stop My 2 year old son was sitting between Smoking campaign was unsuccessful." me and my wife watching TV. "Who's that?" "Who's that?" "Who's that?" I wish the wife would shut up and let us watch Celebrity Big Brother. (FIRST WEDNESDAY EVERY MONTH)
I recently auditioned for the main part in a new musical about Cuba. I got a call back saying they want me to be the understudy. I had to turn it down. I refuse to play second Fidel. The Great British Bake-Off host, Sue Perkins, has suffered with a brain tumour for the last eight years which has "stopped me having a baby." I'm no 41
threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic. Q. Who invented the gear? A. It was a Swiss guy! Q. Who invented Yodeling? A. Same Swiss guy when he stuck his finger in the gear! I went to the doctor's this morning with a really I sat my thirteen year old been having violent bowel angry looking red scab son down at the kitchen movements. It's my day on my bell-end. "Ooh," table the other day "Look off, but I still like to keep he said, after a quick son" I said "Have you him informed. examination. "It's caused started masturbating" He My neighbours' little girl by your lack of personal went bright red then said came up to me yesterday hygiene." "Fuck off. I keep he had. "Well can you wait and announced she was myself extremely clean," I a minute please" I said "I'm getting some puppies for snapped. "What on earth trying to talk to you about her birthday. She'll only makes you think it's that?" what you want for fucking be nine though, so I'm "It's a bit of tomato skin." dinner. not getting my hopes up. I just don't understand I wanted to request If you have sex with a my wife. To be fair she installing a suggestion prostitute without her only arrived last week and box at work, but I had permission, is it rape... I haven't learnt Thai yet. no way of doing it. or shoplifting? All ships can be Been to check my car At this point in life, my submarines... tyre pressures today and greatest chance of having a Once. was gobsmacked when I noticed it's gone up from 20p to 50p. After storming into the shop to give the what for, I was told it's all down to inflation. I'd like to find out who stole my trainers while I was on the bouncy castle. They need to grow up. I phoned my boss this morning and told him I've 42
St
James gate
Harder!" My fault for being there while her hubby was on night shift.
Me and my wife were asked by our located in Torretas II marriage councillor to Daily specials from 4.99₏ write a list from Live entertainment Tue 5 - 8 Thur, A to Z of what a relationship should be. Sat & Sunday from 9pm My wife did it on her own Contact Mark Tallis (owner) 865 778 433 and she was asked to read it during our session. She I could tell you I really dislike Jennifer started "A - appreciation, B - belonging, Aniston in "Friends", but I don't want to C - caring" "No no no" I said "A - anal incite Rachel hatred. sex, B - blow jobs, C - cum gargling" I said to my son, "Sometimes in life you "What's wrong with u?" Screamed the have to make sacrifices if you want nice councillor. "We'll get to u in a second! things like cars, holidays or the latest D - dry bumming, E ‌ Playstation." "But, dad..." he replied. I arrived in Benidorm and on a bus to I said, "Look, there's no buts about it. my hotel when I saw a billboard saying, We're selling your kidney whether you "All of our doctors speak fluent English." like it or not." I thought, 'Don't even fucking get that at I don't mind fucking illegally trafficked home!' prostitutes from Eastern Europe, but Jeremy Corbyn is on record as it's the crying and the need for cuddling supporting female-only train carriages afterwards that really gets to me. Ingrid to protect women from dangerous men from Slovakia said I really need to man on trains. Using that same logic, I look up and to stop being such a soft twat. forward to the day he declares his I often tell women I'm old school, like a support for male-only motorways. vinyl record. If you want me to play nice, blow me. The girlfriend messaged me last night, calling me a twat. I couldn't believe it. I thought ouija boards were bullshit. Carol Vorderman has severe burns after falling while running naked on a treadmill. She has two big ones at the top and four small ones on her bottom. I was kept awake all last night by my next door neighbour's wife shouting, "Harder! Harder! Come on, faster! 43
It's FAR too soon to be making jokes about the immigrants found dead in a chilled food lorry. For god's sake, the poor buggers aren't even fucking warm yet.
I cried my eyes out when I read the news that One Direction will be disbanding in March. Seven more months of the pricks. The bin lorry driver from Glasgow David Cameron has surfed on a beach has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax which may have had sewage in the water. Well if it didn't then, it certainly and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows. has now. It's nice to hear some good news The Champions League draw has caused coming from Sunderland for a change. a lot of interesting matches. Mourinho is Defoe scores and Adam Johnson's girlfriend doing really well in her GCSEs going back to Porto. Di Maria is going back to Real Madrid. Memphis Depay is have really lifted the dark clouds that were gathering. going back to PSV. Liverpool are going back to watching Emmerdale. It’s been 18 years to the day since the death of Princess Diana. I still grieve and To put Britain’s immigration crisis into the images of the scene still haunt me. perspective in order for Cameron to Sleek, elegant, a vision of sheer beauty keep his promise to cut net migration And a tragic loss and a terrible waste..... to the tens of thousands he is going to Of a Mercedes 600. need 3,240 refrigerated lorries. It is eighteen years to the day that Celtic fans are cancelling BT Sports quicker than the Catholic priests wiped Princess Diana died. You can say what you like about Prince Philip, but at least their hard drives! he was considerate enough to have it Seventy people have been found done on a bank holiday so we could all suffocated in the back of a Hungarian watch it on TV. lorry. Breaking the record held by the After the fiasco with David De Gea, Germans since 1942. Real Madrid know exactly how I feel Cilla Black dead and One Direction when turning up to McDonald's for splitting up. Somewhere there is a breakfast at 10.31am. music fan with one wish left. Police are searching for a man who The 'A' level exam results for carried a drunk woman across a road today's teenagers are truly outstanding. before he raped her. He should be easy Although I can remember when they to track down. There aren't many of us were called 'O' levels. gentlemen left nowadays. Some more sad news about the plane A casualty of the Rochdale bus crash onto the A27 in Shoreham, near crash was asked how he felt about the Brighton. Local resident Katie Price accident today. "I was fucking safer in wasn't on the road. Syria," he said. 44
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Mum always had several catch phrases that she used when we were kids to warn us of impending danger. I can still hear my Mum now, I expect your Mum was the same. "Don't play with those things, you know you could put somebody's eye out!"
DEFINITELY WORTH THE RISK !!! 47