Issue 54 July
Hi my little Spanish friends. How is it over there in sunny Spain? It is the summer here in the UK. I know this, not because the weather man tells me on my 52 inch TV. But, because it is pissing down and has been most days for the past two weeks. Well I was hoping by the time you read this England were not on there way home from Brazil. But alas they are. And for those of you, the Scottish, Irish and Welsh. Don’t be smug. At least they got to Brazil. I can never understand why all the home nations have it in for England. I am Welsh and proud of it. But when England or any of the home nation sides play any other nation in the world, there is no question in my mind, who I want to win. I want them to be British. And those of you saying what if they are playing Spain? How many Spanish people living in the UK, do you think will cheer for England or any team over the Spanish entrant. I think we some times forget, that we all stood side by side in the war. So if England play Germany or Argentina. You should be bloody ashamed of yourself if you are not flying an English flag. I stated earlier I am Welsh. Actually I
am BRITISH and proud of it. So now we are all going to be cheering for Andy Murray and any other British Man, Woman or Team Playing a bunch FORIEGNERS aren’t we. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS GREAT LITTLE FLAG?
After saying all that, we at “the jester” are still going to take the piss out of a bunch of second rate over paid tossers. But hey, we’re allowed to. I'd like to finish on a good note. For all of you lot who purchased a Spain or England to win the World Cup top. You should still be able to get your money back, under the 14 day returns guarantee. Until issue 55 . Take care. Ed. Oh.by the way. I am still not dead!!
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Dear Editor, My wife insists that all her clothes are shrinking. But when I say, "They're making condoms bigger these days," she laughs in my face. Bitch. Tony. Los Dolses. They can be so cruel sometimes. Makes me wonder why I bother to feed mine. Ed. Dear Editor, Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a super-power. Tyrone. Belfast. Dear Editor, I walked past a shop today that had a sign in the window which read. EVERYTHING MUST GO!' So I went back home to get the wife. Bill. Murcia. Good thinking Batman. Ed. Dear Editor, As I am sure you are aware, there are ladies out there that like dildos that are made from natural wood. Apparently these dildos are worth there weight in Gold. But they are like Gold dust to get hold of. I however make such dildos and wish to advertise it. To this end, I wondered what it would cost to advertise in your
really brilliant magazine? Edwood Woodwood. My Missus is one of the very woman you mention. Can we do a deal on advertising? My coffee table leg really needs a rest. Ed. Dear Editor, People used to laugh at me for being too naive. They'll wish they hadn't when they find out I've won the Nigerian lottery twice in one week. Neil. Los Alcazarez. So are you going to open up that Unicorn sanctuary now? (Dimwit). Ed.
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ren: 622 033 582. Please send your letter s, comments, jokes, funny stor ies, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3
Ka-
Everybody knows Abu Hamza definitely had a hand in terrorism.
the man doesn't know when to shut up. I bet he gets that from his German wife.
like to sit through an ad break without hearing Nicole Scherzinger faking an Orgasm.
"Emergency Services, how may I direct your call?" "There are two girls fighting over me." My wife only sings one said the caller. "OK, and note all the time. why is that a problem?" Me,me,me,me. asked the woman at the Fuck you, you fat bitch. other end. "The fat ugly You ripped my still-beating one is winning!" heart from my chest and My wife slipped on a pissed on it. I hate you, cheese slice this morning you fanny battered slut and broke her hip. It was monger. Oops, silly hilarious. Even the cow on autocorrect, I meant the front of the packet "Yeah sure, I'd love to was laughing. still be friends xxx".
I'm already bored with my time machine, and I've only had it a year. Probably won't bother getting it.
I don't have a racist bone in my body. However one of my kidneys is anti semitic.
My wife never plays hard-to-get. No need, she's hard-to-want. I'm getting sick and tired of Nigel Farage's constant racist, sexist stereotyping;
I saw a show on BBC where unemployed black guys get sold at auction. It's called 'Homies under the hammer. Once, JUST ONCE. I'd 4
As I got older I noticed hair growing in places that it never had before. Like on my girlfriend's pussy. My wife didn't need expensive plastic surgery to change her body Shape. She just ate cake and crisps! My wife went for a full body massage last week. The fat cow she’s still there. My daughter uses one of those talking cash machines. Me.
I was rather shocked when I woke up with a dick in my mouth this morning. It's not as bad as it sounds though, it was mine. If I was a tramp I would still make sure I had a wallet or a coin purse. I couldn't be arsed to carry a guitar case around with me everyday. My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl. So we converted to Islam. I was talking to a bird in a bar last night and I asked, what does she do for living. "I'm a scientist." I was really impressed. Most women can't do sarcasm. How many black men does it take to change a light bulb...... I'll let you know when it gets switched back on.
seeing a sign saying' part ex accepted'. The sods called the police, all I took was her head and left leg. As I opened wide for the dentist he said to me did you have oral sex last night' why I said have I got a pubic hair in my teeth' no he said you've got shit on your nose. I bumped into my ex today. I said, "Hey, Sara, it's been ages. You look way better than you did when we were dating." "Are you trying to mock me?" she said. "No, why?"
What did the Englishman do when he overheard his neighbours talking? He logged on to Google translate. I've never smoked a cigarette after sex. But I always carry a packet and some matches with me just in case. I went to buy a car after 5
"Because I'm wearing a Burkka," she replied. I was devastated to find a lump in my wife's chest. Luckily, the doctor assured me that it will develop into a proper tit, when she reaches puberty! I had my identity stolen by the Irish Mafia who took out a series of loans in my name. Six months later and my credit rating has improved dramatically as they haven't missed a single payment.
welcome them to the area, it must be hard living in a foreign country. So I did what all good neighbours should do with a lovely welcome hamper. You know the hampers with everything just right for moving in a new house, air fresheners, soap, deodorant, washing powder, shampoo, shower gel. I went into our local coffee shop yesterday and saw they were selling Fair-Trade Coffee. "What's this then?" I asked. "Well, it's a way of ensuring that the producers get a fair price for their produce," the guy replied. "It's a bit pricey at £4.50 a cup, have you anything else?" The guy thought about it and said, "Well, our fuck the black bastards blend is quite popular at £1.50 per cup." I've been studying properties in Manchester for weeks now, looking for just the right place to get on the ladder. And at last, I've found the perfect house. The bathroom window is open and the owner is on holiday.
A masked man came into my shop today. He handed me a briefcase and said, "Fill this!" "Oh wow," I replied, stroking the handle, "Is it real leather?" The wife and I are going to the doctors to find out why she doesn't want sex anymore. I think it's the big C. She thinks it's my little C. I went to my local Welsh Restaurant today and ordered lunch. "How would you like your lamb Sir"? "Rare please". Took them 4 hours to find a virgin one. Yesterday my friend Jamal dropped by and my 3 year old son suddenly called him a nigger. I was extremely ashamed and rebuked him. "For God's sake Jimmy he's a paki not a nigger". It will be a double injustice if Oscar Pistorius is ruled to be mentally defective by the court doctors. He will get away with murder and Appear on Britain's Got Talent. My mate Dave came around last night. "How long has your wife been dead now?" he asked. "About six months," I replied, "Why do you ask?" "Because she’s starting to smell" he said. We've just had new Pakie neighbours move in, my wife said be nice and 6
I always wish that I had spent more time with Granddad. Instead of going out playing football with my mates I should have spent some quality time visiting him and listening to him reminisce about the old days. Instead of spending hours playing on my computer I could have gone to the shop for him, bought his favourite newspaper and brought him back some sweets. Sadly, last month, the old prick won the lottery. Fucked off to Spain and didn’t give me a penny.
Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3 Every Friday Daniel Firth Cabaret artist and karaoke one of the Costa Blanca's Top Entertainers Every Saturday Bingo from 2pm Every Sunday Joyce's Quiz starting at 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here!
I saw a study that said "One out of every ten people are gay". I've had sex with ten people. That really creeps me out, because, statistically, that means that one of those blokes was probably gay.
able to fix it?" The mechanic said, "Is the pipe a catalytic?" "Great," I said, "I'll bring it round this afternoon."
I turned on my hearing aid, picked up the phone and said, "There's a hole in my car's exhaust pipe. Would you be
How many busty teenage prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? None, according to my accountant.
Because I don't eat a lot my wife says I might have an eating disorder and I should go and see someone about it. If only she'd see someone about her cooking disorder then I may not have a problem. Just checked wikipedia and apparently the suffix "Stan" is a Persian meaning for "land of". So Kazakhstan is land of the Kazakhs. Tajikistan is land of the Tajiki's and Pakistan is. Oh no wait. Even the ancient Persians were racist. One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes, maybe masturbate, and then leave. 7
High school. The age at which some guys try to prove they have the biggest dicks by being the biggest dicks.
hang gliding over a village. The doorbell went earlier. They’ll nick anything in Liverpool.
I've just been for a haircut, "It looks like you're losing your hair, mate!" the barber said, cockily. "Well get a fucking move on then!" I replied.
My wife is like a freshly picked lettuce. She has to be washed Before I eat her.
If a muslim blows up and nobody's around to hear it, does anyone give a fuck? I've started drinking my own pee as a form of alternative therapy. You don't half get some funny looks kneeling at the urinal. I'm pretty certain that my roommate is gay because of the shit stains in his boxer shorts. They're on the front. I just got kicked out of the swimming baths for breaststroking. My wife carries a can of pepper spray in case she gets attacked by a rapist. Which is a bit like me carrying a flag in case England win the world cup. Me and my dad have a
love/hate relationship. I love him, and he hates the fact the condom snapped. After several years of fighting, dirt-slinging, spending thousands upon thousands on lawyers and private investigators, I finally became one of the few fathers to WIN the custody battle. Kids are off to live with their mother. According to a recent study 45% of all British people are racist. Not me, I'm all British and 100% racist. I was in the loft earlier. Last fucking time I go 8
My five year old son walked to school all by himself last week. I can't wait until he returns home so I can tell him how proud I am. When I was a child we were so poor my parents couldn't afford to buy me any socks. I had to masturbate into my shoe. I've been grooming horses all day today. Those fuckers can't half eat a lot of Haribo. Sewing. It's not always what it seams. I'm really terrible at writing greetings cards. The last one I sent said‌ Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to cum all over you... Happy Birthday Love Dad xxx
rappin' wiv me bro innit?" I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it.
"So Paddy, How did you get on at the job interview?" Asked Mick. "I was doing fine until the last question." Replied Paddy. "What was that then?" queried Mick. "What do you think you would bring to the role?" "And what did you say, Paddy?" "Butter."
My cat came in with a dead bird in it's mouth earlier. The neighbour's daughter in fact. I should've known keeping a lion as a pet was going to come back and bite me in the arse someday.
I was imbibing a pint of ale in a beautiful country public house when I started conversing with an attractive young lady who turned out to be the daughter of a local Earl. Anyhow, one thing led to another and I ended up A policeman pulled me over last night. inviting her to stay on my estate for the He said, "You've got no tax, your rear weekend and maybe do some shooting tyre is completely flat, you've got a can on the Sunday, which is a traditional of lager in your hand and you're not pastime in my area. She agreed most wearing a seatbelt!" I said, "I'll see you enthusiastically. Just goes to show, a tomorrow then." "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked. I said, "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone." As I sat down opposite my new date in a restaurant last night, she stared at me and said, "You look nothing like you do in your photo." "That's because I'm not wearing a gimp mask." I replied. "So why are you wearing one now?" she asked. "Dad, a group of niggers just ran past the house." "What was wrong with that sentence son?" "Oh sorry dad. I meant, TROOP of niggers." That’s better son." This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear. "Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation." "Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' 9
I gave my wife ÂŁ50 and told her to go out on Thursday and not come back until the football was finished. "I won't need that much," she laughed. "You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks."
me getting a taxi to the pub!
Extensive coverage of the world cup starts on ITV and BBC. Viewers in Scotland and Wales will have their own programming.
I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match. I've got San Miguel for when Spain are playing because it's Spanish, Beck's for when Germany are playing because it's German and Carling for when England are playing because it's shit.
The last time I saw England get fucked over this bad, I had to learn what the word 'Coalition' Meant.
The England camp have asked Spain if they wouldn't mind dropping them off on their way home.
A woman's period last's up to a week usually. I get the feeling the next one is going to last 4.... Happy world cup girls.
Watching England play is a bit like having sex with my wife. I do it whilst looking through my fingers and by the end I wish I was dead.
An advert for the world cup came on when my wife turned to me and said, "You needn't think you're sitting here for the next month watching fucking football!" "Of course not, babe," I replied. "I'll be watching it in the pub."
After watching England tonight I wouldn't fancy England's chances against Costa Coffee never mind Costa Rica.
Liverpool are looking good value for money for next season. The link-up play According to latest FIFA rankings, USA between Suarez and Gerrard tonight is in 13th place. Weird for a nation who was unreal! don't even know the name of the game. Well at least Gerrard can say he has After the fiasco against Italy, Wayne done the double...fucked Liverpool and Rooney has been practicing his corners. England's chance of any success... And circles. And colouring. And doodles. Now the England game is over the team The World Cup hosts are like my wife's can get back to doing what they do best fanny waxing. Brazilian and nowhere Cheating on their girlfriends and making near as good as I hoped. hair shampoo adverts. A ball boy has been sacked from Dear Wayne. the world cup after saying to Wayne On your way home, be a dear and have Rooney, "You can fuck off if you think a look out the window at 38,000ft and I'm going looking for that one. " see if you can see our fucking ball. With Nigeria and Ghana both playing tonight. There's not a fucking hope of
Yours sincerely FIFA. 10
My new girlfriend offered me a wank. I said, "No fucking way!" She said, "Why not?" I said, "I've just seen your toothpaste tube in the bathroom!" Sylvester Stallone has converted to Islam, he is now known as Ramadambo. I've started drinking my own pee as a form of alternative therapy. You don't half get some funny looks kneeling at the urinal.
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After several years of fighting, dirt-slinging, spending thousands upon thousands on lawyers and private investigators, I finally became one of the few fathers to WIN the custody battle. Kids are off to live with their mother.
My dad always used to cut the crusts off my sandwiches. Well, my mum had to eat something. I overheard my 13 year old step daughter tell her friend she dreamt she lost her virginity last night. Thank fuck she's a deep sleeper. I like it when I call the tech support and it's a black guy, it's such a relief knowing that there's at least one of them not out raping someone. It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn't real. I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, "It's actually our parents who do it!" My daughter said, "But I can't believe dad would do that?!" Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike: "It's not dad, it can't be. Mum's the only one fat enough, with a beard." Sky News: Jacques Cousteau's grandson is aiming to set a new record by spending a month living underwater. You're too late, you French twat, 600 people did it last year in Somerset !! The king of Spain has abdicated. Another Juan bites the dust. 11
The latest finding by scientists is that rats are capable of feeling regret. My husband could have told them that five years ago; he's still regretting cheating on me with that blonde bimbo across the road. After I trashed his Motor Bike. I strongly suggest that you don't criticise your wife, if she were perfect she would have married someone better than you.
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change my baby?" She said, "I'm not sure, has he a dirty nappy?" I replied, "No, I was just hoping he'd be white." Wife is fucking furious with me since she caught me having sex with our child. I don't know what surprised her more, the fact I was having sex with it, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep it.
I was absolutely sickened when I read about the existence of an underage sex trade in Britain.... I've been shelling out thousands on flights to Thailand these past few years.
When I was at school, I was once caught fingering a girl in the disabled toilet. Which is why I am no longer allowed to be a teacher.
My wife carries a can of pepper spray in case she gets attacked by a rapist. Which is a bit like me carrying a flag in case England win the world cup. The police knocked on my door. An officer said, "We'd just like to inform you Sir that whilst you were at work, a black male was apprehended trying to break into your property." "Golly!" I exclaimed. The officer cautioned, "We understand your anger Sir but let’s just stick to referring to him as a black male." My local takeaway are running a deal where you get your meal free if it doesn't arrive within 45 minutes. Was quite a chase but managed to outrun the delivery man for 20 minutes in my motorhome.
Last night I said to my 16-year-old son, "So, you'll be leaving school in the summer. What are your plans for the future?" He said, "I'm going to apply to get into university in the autumn. If all goes to plan I'll do my Honours, then my Masters, and go on to get a full PhD." I replied, "That's great, son, wish I'd had such ambition at your age. So, what are you applying to study?" He said, "Oh, whatever. I just want to put off getting a job for another seven years." My wife was pleasantly surprised when I told her I'd spent the afternoon studying royalty. I didn't want to disappoint her, so I neglected to mention that I was wanking over the new pictures of Kate Middleton's bare arse.
The Kanye West wedding overran by 2 hours after Kim stalled on an answer to.. For richer or poorer?. I walked up to a woman in the shopping centre and asked, "Is there anywhere in here I can 14
A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's. The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair. "Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying. Two hours later, the little lad's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you". he little lad says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut". I read on a health website that you should wash your sheets every week to prevent dust mites breeding in them. So apparently, insects are getting laid in my bed and I'm not?
30 quid to get in. So, I took him to the benefit office instead. I saw some Ethiopians performing I was asked during a job interview, their traditional rain dance on You "Is there anything about you we should tube. They're clearly not very good at it. know about?" "Yes," I said, "Coons really The eldest asked me to take him to piss me off." "For God's sake, mind your the city aquarium today, as he needed language!" Said the interviewer. "Oh to find out about sponges for his biology sorry," I replied, "Coons really 'make homework. When we got there, I was me angry'." I didn't get the job. shocked to find that it would cost us Sherlock Holmes and Watson are at the beach. Watson said ''Where have all the rocks gone, they were here the other day?'' Sherlock replied ''That’s Sedimentary my dear Watson'' As my blind date and I settled down in our cinema seats, I worried that I wasn't going to get laid afterwards. "I really hope this has a happy ending," she whispered. "Glad we're on the same page," I thought. Talk about irony! I've just been out to a restaurant with some friends, only to come back and find my Madeline McCann joke gone.
What's the thinnest white line in the world? British immigration control. 15
So Justin Bieber has apologised for the racist joke he told? So he fucking should, it was shit!
It's amazing how quickly my girlfriend's headache disappears when I utter the words, "Let's make a baby." Gibraltar, famous for its Barbary apes‌ Essex, famous for its Burberry version. I just saw a white corner shop owner! Poor paki must have seen a ghost. My wife says she hates it when I put her on a pedestal. Selfish bitch. How else is she going to dust the corners of the ceiling? One of the pakis in the neighbourhood's got loads of shattered windows. He only lives a stone's throw away. My neighbour suffers from very sensitive skin. His skin is brown and, fuck me, is he sensitive about it.
"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 fucking hours!" I said to my neighbour this morning, "I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some that England are preparing sleep!" "It would probably for World Cup penalty help if you got out of his shootouts by practising kennel." she replied. shaking their heads while I really hope that girl looking dejected. I think it's time we stop from that ''let me take a selfie'' song gets some using the word 'Nigger' good shots of herself. and start calling black With a fucking shotgun. people by the proper term: Coon. I went to a feminist meeting last night and I was very disappointed. At no point did any of them go down on each other out. So, after millions spent on investigations, travel, posters, news interviews, private detectives and reconstructions the Police finally think they will find Madeleine McCann. Using a spade.
Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's." Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse. At least I don't have cancer."
Steven Gerrard reveals 16
that married couples share similar DNA. Mind you, the study was done in Norfolk.
honour. So I see Germany is also celebrating the D-Day landings today...awkward.
Say what you like about Muslims but those long beards really tickle your balls when they're sucking your dick... and that's just the women!
My doctor told me I should be getting more greens. So I've hired a golf coach and bought a new set of clubs.
A joke’s a joke, but it is really wrong to The wife's been banging hold a parent evening at on about getting a dog, so an orphanage.. I threw battery acid in her No wonder Rooney's eyes. Now she gets a free been scoring in training, one. as Hogson claims. He's Woman say “they always been playing against find out everything in the England's defence. end" find that missing My wife suggested plane then you smart spicing up our sex life arses. by adding a little role My wife just caught me play. "I'll be a prostitute" smoking, "Fags kill." she she said excitedly. "Good said as she snatched it idea". I replied. "I'll be out of my hand. "So do Peter Sutcliffe." husbands." I replied as I
‘Baby death all down to a contaminated drip' that'll be Dr Patel then.
"There's a new Sawyers Bar and Grill opening in If a tree falls in a town," I told my wife. forest and no one is "Is that part of a chain?" around to hear it, She asked. "Yes," I replied, would the feminists before smashing her round blame the men for it? the head with it.
snatched back.
My wife and I have decided that we only want two children. Now we need to choose one to get rid of. Scientists have found
"My, your breasts look really heavy. Let me hold them for you" is the exact words I used. Your 17
So Gary Glitter is facing charges under Yewtree plus others. It's ok he's got a date for his release already. She's fourteen.
There's no pleasing my wife sometimes. She's just spent the last 3 hours telling me that we never talk. Definition of pressure: A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.
do her"? "You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" claims the advert. Imagine my confusion as I was lead away in handcuffs from one of their jets.
Police searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have suffered a setback. A spokesman said "We only popped The BBC are going to saw a gorilla in my bed. out for a bit of supper stream World Cup Turns out it was just and some bastard has matches in 4K‌ Great, Lenny Henry shooting now we'll be able to see another ridiculous advert. nicked our shovels". the disappointment on the A Premier League referee BBC NEWS England's players faces in has died after stepping A flotilla of ships have ultra high definition. started their journey out in front of a double from the UK across My wife and I sat in the decker bus. In fairness, the channel to France garden, under the old oak he probably didn't see it. tree, watching our young I wonder if Prince Philip to mark tomorrows son swinging. "Isn't life 70th anniversary of has ever watched 'The perfect?," she smiled. D-Day in France. Queen' starring Helen "Yes," I replied, "but I French news reports Mirren and thought "I'd wonder who taught him how to make a noose?" I was telling a mate of mine, "I'm so sick of Muslims, I'm going to build a time machine and go back in time as far as I have to till when there weren't any, In fact, I'll go back to the big bang if I have to." “And who do you think caused that?" He replied. I walked into my hotel room earlier and nearly got a heart attack when I 18
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." "Can you throw my ball over the fence?" asked the little Paki kid next door today. "Sure," I replied, "There you go." "Thanks," he said, "But I meant the fence between your garden and mine."
British police are disappointed after there digging efforts in Praia da Luz, However local residents are pleased with the Olympic size swimming pool and 3 Jacuzzis. As an experienced Paralympic diver, I get really annoyed when people fail to appreciate the high level of skill required in my sport. You have to throw yourself off the diving board like a walrus that's been shot in the head. My boss told me to put up a road sign immediately to warn people of the work ahead. An hour later he asked why it hadn't been done. I replied "I couldn't find any with a picture of a dozen managers in brand new high visibility coats watching one bloke work." It's funny how different people have a different idea of what 'passion killers' are. For my girlfriend, it's my flesh coloured pants. For me, it's her face 19
time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life. True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore. "The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead." I'm not saying the wife's mother is old. But, when she was born, vitamins only went up to C.
The sergeant called me into his office. "I've received several complaints about the way you deal with coloured suspects." "I'm genuinely shocked sarge," I replied. "I've never knowingly been anything other than courteous and polite to the people we pull in. I'm a great believer in innocent until proven guilty regardless of race, creed or colour." "Exactly," he said. "And it's starting to piss off a lot of your colleagues." I can not believe how many Scousers are in the England squad. Are we going to Brazil to try and win the world cup, or just nick it? People are always saying a business 'name' gets you going more than starting a business from scratch and that people will actually pay for the name. Well my business - Fred West's Home Improvements - would disagree. While waiting to finalise their Australian residential status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years
Susan Boyle's had a bit of a scare. She called the police after an intruder broke into her house. That must be terrifying. Imagine walking into a dark living room in the middle of the night and bumping into Susan Boyle. I arrived in Benidorm and on a bus to my hotel when I saw a billboard saying, "All of our doctors speak fluent English." I thought, 'Don't even fucking get that at home!'
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When my wife gave me the option of vagina or anus it got me thinking. She really doesn't waste any part of the roast chicken. Good luck getting Hodgson to get England to 'play like Liverpool'. He couldn't even get Liverpool to play like Liverpool. Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday. She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch. I went to see my friend earlier and as usual let myself in without knocking. As soon as I heard him I knew something was wrong so quickly ran up behind him and gave him the Heimlich manoeuvre, assuming he was choking on something. The stupid twat hadn't told me he was learning welsh so how was I to know?
Apparently the McCann's are assisting the police manhunt for Madeleine through a live video link to the search site. So basically it's Gerry muttering "Cold....colder.....warm.......old......warmer .......hotter!". My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism." I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cow." My girlfriend just told me she can't have sex because she's on her monthly period‌ I asked which one, menstrual, miserable or frigid? I was chatting to my mate, about his midget girlfriend. I said, "I can see how it would be handy for blow jobs, but how do you have sex with her, she's tiny?" "I just pick her up, get her on it and move her up and down." He replied. "Isn't that just like having a wank though?" I asked. "I suppose so,
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(ADMIRAL BENBOW INN) APPLE BARREL ASHORE BEACH BEN GUNN BILLY BONES BLACK DOG BUCCANEER BURIED GOLD CABIN BOY CANNON BALLS CANNONS
CAPE CAPTAIN FLINT (CAPTAIN SMOLLETT) CHEST COAST COMPASS COVE CREW CUTLASS DR. LIVESEY GUINEAS HISPANIOLA
ISLAND ISRAEL HANDS JIM HAWKINS JOLLY ROGER LOGBOOK (LONG JOHN SILVER) MAROONED MUSKET MUTINY PARROT PIRATES PISTOL
QUARTERMASTER SAIL SCHOONER SEAFARING SEAMEN SHIP SKELETON SPY-GLASS (SQUIRE TRELAWNEY) THE BLACK SPOT TREASURE WALRUS
Find and circle all of the words and names from the book Treasure Island. The remaining 46 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
Yaya released a statement saying "That'll teach the fucker for forgetting my Birthday!"
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You know you're a bit a of a stud when the girl you're raping comes before you do.
Located directly at La Zenia roundabout.
I don't really understand why Islam requires that girls begin wearing a headscarf at the age of pu-
Open Monday - Friday 10.00 - 17.00 Saturday 10.00 - 14.00
A Lloyds bank customer has been given an award by the Metropolitan Police for bravery after foiling an armed robbery and apprehending the suspect. Lloyds have rejected his mortgage application.
berty to protect their modesty. By that time, most Muslim blokes will have lost interest anyway.
Ibrahim Toure, the younger brother of The government recently released a Premier League-based Ivory Coast duo report announcing that benefit fraud Yaya and Kolo Toure, has died aged 28 costs the average UK household ÂŁ80 a
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Ponderisms: Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your arse? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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I don't understand all these people posting about the world cup on Facebook because according to the North Korean News Agency they won it last week 10-0 and South Korea failed to qualify...
Theresa May says that the passport backlog will be cleared by fast-tracking urgent cases. So, if you're actually British, tough shit.
My wife couldn't go on holiday with me and our daughter due to illness. When we got home, my wife asked, "Did you have a good time." I said, "She did nothing but moan the whole time." "Really?" she said, surprised. "Why?" I replied, "Because I'm a cracking shag. I just can’t get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low. But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow. 25
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I was wanking to two porn stars 69'ing each other last night, when my wife walked in. "You are disgusting!" she spat. "Well, it's not cheating if you're watching other people have sex, is it?" I said. "I don't care, just get them out my bloody house!" she replied. After telling a nigger joke Justin Bieber's career in ruins. Proving once and for all that racism can be a good thing. I've just seen a Norwich version of "Back To The Future". Unlike the original, Marty McFly can't resist the advances of his mother, so he ends up shagging her. Then he travels back in time. Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off
with a gallon of prune juice." Ray asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc? " Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your fucking' arse is for." Mr Patel and Mr Jones live next door to each other in identical houses. Their homes are valued by an estate agent. Mr Patel's house is worth ÂŁ200,000, while Mr Jones' is worth ÂŁ150,000. Mr Jones asks the estate agent, "Why this is?" The estate agent replies, "Simple: Mr Patel doesn't have a Paki living next door." 27
through so much. But I think it's time we brought it to an end, we aren't compatible, we aren't going to work. I wish you good luck in the future. Goodbye." Then my Xbox froze and I lost all my unsaved progress, I was heartbroken. When my son came out the closet, I bought him a brand new jacket to show my support. "Fuck off dad!" He screamed. "Don't you like the colour or what?" I asked. "What do you think?" he snapped, "It's a fucking straight jacket you moron".
I went into the doctor's surgery and said, "Help! I need urgent medical attention! I've got a horrific skin condition which means people ignore me and won't be near me on account of the increased sweating and body odour. It's got to the point where I can't even go to work any more". "Sir, being a Paki is not a condition".
"You stink of alcohol, you have lipstick all over your clothes and you're not wearing your wedding ring!" screamed my wife as I strolled in at 3 o'clock this morning, "I'd like to see you try and get out of this one!" "Easy," I replied, "I was mugged by a gang of drunken drag queens." Police searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have widened the search area. A spokesman said they will soon be moving on to the Bahamas and hope to include Las Vegas before the end of the holiday season.
I pulled a fat bird in a club last night and she invited me back to her place. Among mammals, bats have the highest rates of homosexuality.... I guess As she started taking her clothes off in the bedroom she said, "I hope you will that explains Robin and all the leather. still respect me in the morning?" "You Alex 'The Ox' Oxlade-Chamberlain, don't need to worry about that," I why? Because he's lightning fast? replied soothingly, "There's no fucking Because he's crazily agile? No. Because way I'll still be here in the morning." he's the colour of a stock cube. Robert Stewart was put on probation I'll never forget my first heart break. after being caught having sex with his There I was sitting on my Xbox and I bike. I want to know if it was just a got a call from my girlfriend at the time. handle-bar job or did she take it up She said, "I'm sorry Tom, we've been the saddle. 28
In Britain it's illegal to become a prostitute until you are 18; In Brazil , that's retirement age. The wife told me she wanted something sexy for her birthday.. So I got her a secretary. After buying Escort magazine for 3 years it suddenly occurred to me. Ford literally don't give a shit. After going to the pub three nights this week my wife said I need to get my priorities in order, and I think she's right. I could easily make it five. I'd be in trouble if my belly button could get pregnant
through the car wash for their annual shower.....
said the words, "I do," she slapped me‌ It suppose it wasn't the reply she wanted to, "Do you think my bum looks big in this?"
They say it's chivalrous to help a lady into a car yet when I said I'd give my fat girlfriend a hand The new Michael Jackson and pulled out a shoehorn album has been released all I got were dirty looks despite his death five years ago. Just because he was The Bible tells us to 'Love both black and white Thy Neighbour'. I tried doesn't mean it's okay that and have a black eye for his record company and a restraining order to to milk him like a fucking go with it. cow.
Indian Police use water cannons to disperse women's rights protesters. As I looked my soon to be wife up and down in I bet that pleased them, her wedding dress and saved them from going
I have a mental problem. Or a wife, as she prefers to be called. What do you call 22 people sitting around a TV watching the World Cup Final? The England World Cup Squad. Where do bees go to vote in the elections? The pollen station. Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature'. Being born with a dick seems to have done the trick for me.
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From the mouth of Rodney Dangerfield.
handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played I went to a massage parlor. It was in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me self-service. up. My wife only has sex with me for a I was such an ugly baby that my purpose. Last night she used me to mother never breast fed me. She told time an egg. me that she only liked me as a friend. Last night my wife met me at the front I'm so ugly my father carried around door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. a picture of the kid who came with his The only trouble was, she was coming wallet. home. When I was born, the doctor came into A hooker once told me she had a the waiting room and said to my father, headache. "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no but he pulled through anyway." sex life at all. I'm so ugly my mother had morning I was making love to this girl and she sickness...AFTER I was born. started crying. I said, 'Are you going to I remember the time that I was hate yourself in the morning?' She said, kidnapped and they sent a piece of 'No, I hate myself now.' my finger to my father. He said he I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in wanted more proof. prisons to cure sex offenders. Once when I was lost, I saw a My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave policeman, and asked him to help dental floss in the kitchen the roaches me find my parents. I said to him, hang themselves. "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the many places they can hide." window and got arrested for mooning. My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. for Alka-Seltzer. My doctor told me to have a few My wife is such a bad cook, in my house drinks and get some rest. we pray after the meal. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt My wife likes to talk to me during sex; because in every room he leaves a last night she called me from a hotel. pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. My family was so poor that if I hadn't Last night he went on the paper four been born a boy, I wouldn't have had times - three of those times I was anything to play with. reading it. It's been a rough day. I got up this There was a girl banging on my hotel morning ... put a shirt on and a button door all night last night...I finally had to fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the let her out. 30
I touched my neighbour's kid six months ago and whenever his mum sees me, she gets right in my face and calls me a "sick twat who should be fucking locked up." To be honest, I'm surprised she's still talking to me.
reporter. "Yes, it was awful, they beat him with sticks, and kicked him in the head, threw bricks at him, and one of them even sodomised him!" cried the witness. "That’s terrible!" said the reporter "I know, but that wasn't Police have closed the M25 southbound, the worst thing" cried the witness. after a lorry driver dropped his load on "What was the worst thing?" asked the reporter. "It wasn't that fucker the carriageway. Dirty bastard, but I Kanye West!" cried the witness. think the police are over-reacting. I organised a game of monopoly with Teachers at the Birmingham school Tyrone at work yesterday lunch break, accused of extremism have hit out at but as I handed him the terrier playing the allegations saying that the school is piece.. "Fuck you man!" He snapped, not under achieving, but better than it throwing it back in the box. "I'm not has ever been with high examples of no filthy dog, innit!?" "Sorry mate." I pupils learning more and more new said, passing him the top hat. "Here, things such as hijacking airliners, have this one then." "Suck my dick, you terrorism, suicide bombings, bomb fucking oppressor." He snarled, grabbing making and firearms training. a different piece, "No white honky gon' I was walking down the road yesterday tell Tyrone what he can, can't be, you evening when I met a gang of hoodies. black-hating fuck." Typical nigger, always One of the big black teenagers waved playing the racecar. his arms like Ali G and said to me, "Dis I heard that Ian Wright's flown back is our 'hood and these are our streets, home after a robbery at his family home. innit." Apparently, "If these are your I was waiting to hear that his wife, who streets then fix those potholes, you lazy was held at knifepoint, had been raped black bastard," was the wrong reply. by the same criminals. Then I googled An attack on a black man left him in her. critical condition in hospital. A TV What's the difference between Pakis news crew managed to find a witness. and spiders? There's a bigger chance "So, you saw the attack?" asked the of finding a spider in the bath. 31
with. For example, David Cameron is a carrier for Tourette's. Paddy's in bed, when he hears a knock on the door. Standing on the doorstep is a man with a rosette and pamphlets. "Ukip!" announced the man enthusiastically. "Bejaysus!" said Paddy, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I was that. How did you know?" My wife asked me for scented candles for her birthday, but said I was so stupid, I would probably fuck it up. Well, do I have a surprise for her, not only did I manage to buy her candles, but I brought When asked what the prison conditions them home myself and saved on the were like for US soldier Sergeant Bowe postage. Bergdahl following his release from five My girlfriend bought herself a puppy years of captivity in Afghanistan, He and the last few days it's been pissing replied " It was terrible......It pissed it and shitting everywhere. It's our puppy down the first two weeks". now apparently. I just bought some barbecue flavoured What does a Paralympian fear crisps, They taste like bricks and wire the most? mesh. Testing positive for WD-40. A foreign lady at the market held two pineapples up to me yesterday and said "I give you two for one sir". It seemed like a fair swap, but I didn't have a pineapple on me unfortunately. A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time." The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?" "I keep veering to the left, then to the right." "I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor. "Those are just side effects." A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of an illness but can pass it to people they come into contact 32
I was looking at my account balance yesterday. It said ÂŁ400 DR. Holy shit! Not only am I now a doctor, but they've given me free money! American rappers love the word motherfucker; I always thought that was the most disgusting word in the music lexicon. Until I heard the Egyptian version: mummyfucker. As an Irishman living in England, I can't complain about the Muslims. Now whenever a car bomb goes off, I don't have to go into hiding. My mate said his bike is custom made and there's no other exactly like it. What a bloody lair. I just saw some black fella speed out of his driveway with exactly the same one.
twat. Can't you read?!." I snapped. "My social skills."
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green I walked into my doctor's room for my lights 'til I feel better about myself. appointment.. "Hello mister Parker." He Animal rights groups have called for said, glancing at his notes. "I believe a statue to be erected at the side of you're having problems with your motor he road, where 1500 chickens were skills?" "No, you fucking thick, four-eyed tragically killed yesterday. Well, the other side. How does a Paki drown in a puddle? No really! How am I going to explain this one to the police. I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home. "If at first you don't succeed, don't even fucking think about moving back in here." I'm up in court tomorrow. I'm going to be using the defence that, while surfing for porn, I just got 'amateur' and 'immature' mixed up.
The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is: don't talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub. 33
of Birmingham schools I was stopped in the street by a young Muslim man this morning who mockingly said, "This is OUR Country now." "You're welcome to it, mate" I replied "It's gone downhill since all the Pakis moved in." I read an article that if you get bitten by a snake it is sometimes possible to suck the venom out, I showed this article to my blonde girlfriend. So far this week she is proud of the fact that she's saved my life 7 times, each time successfully sucking the venom out. Although she has suggested I be more careful to protect my penis from snakebites. Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through" said the first man, emphatically "Enough is enough". He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God" he said to his friend "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress". The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat". He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said "Small world!"
A recent text exchange with my girlfriend: Girlfriend: "Where do I rank in the history of your love life?" Me: "I consider you a milestone." Girlfriend: "Really? That means so much babe. x" Me: "Sorry, I meant millstone. Fucking predictive text."
Following on from the Islamic takeover 34
I went for an interview today and the boss said, "You're the perfect candidate for the job. You can name your own salary." I said, "Can I name it Fred?" My wife left me because she thinks I'm old fashioned. I'll wager a shilling she's courting a coloured chap. I Can't wait to ask Angelina Jolie at that Rape Summit some important questions, like where can I get a cotton balaclava. Rik Mayall has died only a few days after returning from filming in Portugal. Lucky he died over here. If he'd died in Portugal it'd have taken the police a decade to find his body.
Ordered a sixteen inch ham and mushroom from the new pizza shop last night, but the one that arrived was actually tuna and mushroom. I could tell the wife didn't like it.. It took her a full eight minutes to eat it.
David Beckham says striker Wayne Rooney is essential to England's chances at the World Cup because he "scares" opposition teams. That's not nice, he can't help being ugly.
Rik Mayall, star of Bottom, has died at the age of 56. That's pretty good considering when I smashed my brother in the face with a frying pan he died immediately at the age of 2.
Erectile dysfunction treatment: It won't let you down!
Police fear rise in domestic violence during World Cup.. Too fucking right, The Wife throws all sorts of things at me shouting "you're not watching that crap I'm watching the soaps". As I was licking out my secretary today I suddenly stopped and said, "Susan, I can't do this to my wife." "Because you love her?" she asked. I said, "No, because her fanny stinks." My wife keeps complaining about how I sit around on my arse all day doing fuck all and how I only empty the bin once a month. I don't care though, I love working for the council. 35
putting lighted fireworks in his arse and filling his coffin with shaving foam. It's what he would have wanted.
My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her. Can't believe Rik Mayall has died. Poor B'stard. You've got to hand it to short people. Well they can't reach a lot of things, can they? What's the difference between terrorism and democracy? Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked. I bet Jimmy Savile gets a hard on when he finds out a young one has died! My son told me he was gay today. I put my arm around him, and said, "Don't worry, son. I’m sure your mum still loves you."
lap; he was in the electric chair at the time.
My Chinese neighbour said to me, "Lik Mayall no Bought some aftershave more." "True! We've had self-adhesive stamps for with a credit card last week. Now there's lots of some time now." I replied. dodgy transactions on my Whenever someone account Seems like my calls my wife fat she gets card's been cologned. depressed and cuts Play a real life version of herself... A piece of cake Guess who by asking your BBC Sport: Algeria's wife if she wears glasses Islam Slimani says that before pushing her over. he and his teammates are looking to leave a Hope at the funeral mark in Brazil. Oh shit parlour they're whacking they're going to blow Rik Mayall's corpse over the fucking stadium up. the head with a plank,
My self harming, cannibal friend recently tried his hand at cooking. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his 36
With civil wars raging in Iraq, Syria and Egypt you know what we really need ... A Middle East Peace Envoy. Lidl really do need a separate checkout for people who have their shit together. I think Bill Oddie will be the next old celebrity to be arrested. I hear he spies on birds and is especially interested in their young tits. What do Chinese people say after they eat dog's balls? Wely teste! 2 cockroaches are in a mosque. One turns to the other and says, "Don't look now, but I think this place is infested with Muslims."
this we are in again? What's got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England's return flight. Coleen Rooney has flown out to Rio with her 2 sons to film An Idiot Abroad. Pele was right when he said an African team would win the World Cup before the year 2000. France, in 1998. Just watching the news and seeing all the bloodshed and killings in Iraq between Muslim factions and I couldn't help noticing how happy the flies were.
Does anyone else find cucumber makes them burp a lot? Or am I just shoving mine up too far? Apparently, black men are hung like horses. I was in town shopping Scientists who were Since when did anyone today and I didn't see any against genetic engineering hang horses from trees? Christmas decorations, or have managed to cross a If FIFA carry on in this fireworks, or love hearts. seagull with a sheep, which style: Russia 2018, Qatar What fucking month is is a massive ewe tern. 2022, Iran 2026, North Korea 2030, Hell 2034, Stoke 2038. Despite us all having been inoculated against TB, Tony Blair keeps coming back. Tony Blair: For fucks sake, someone give him and his son a rifle and helmet. And let the man prove his point. 37
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A Tesco Metro store in Slough is offering shoppers HIV tests and complimentary condoms. In related news a hospital in Bracknell is offering chlamydia patients cashback and 2 for 1 on Walls Lincolnshire Sausages.
“How about Off?" I asked. "Eh?" She said, "You want to call it Off?" "Yup." I said, grabbing my coat. "Take me to your dealer," Said the Dyslexic Alien. "I bought my stupid five year old his first bike." Said Paddy to Mick. "And can he ride it?" Asked Mick. "Ride it?" Replied Paddy, "He doesn't even know how to start the bloody thing."
I bought my wife some digital bathroom scales today. I had to make sure they were in widescreen format. My missus had a go at me the other day for criticising Muslims. I said, 'listen, we'll go and live in an Islamic state for a while shall we?! Where there's extremism, terrorism, segregation, rape, brainwashing, Sharia law?! See how you like it?! So I packed our cases, booked flights, and took her back to Britain for two weeks.
I was walking along the beach earlier when I saw this massive whale washing up. You should've seen the size of the dishes.
Christians say that even though the Old Testament bans pork, they can still eat it because in the New Testament Jesus said that "what enters your body can not make it impure". Does that cancel the Old Testament's banning of homosexuality as well?
Although they say were inspired by Matalan founders Mathew and Alan, I don't think my mates' new company will be so successful. As I said to Nigel and Gerry this morning. "Get thinking of some names, baby." Said my new girlfriend. "I'm pregnant." 39
at least I imagine that's what she and her hot roommate talk about in the shower. Looks like I'm in the doghouse again but I don't know why. All I said to the Wife was "Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts". I approached a girl at a nightclub and said, "Let's head to my place! I'm going to fuck you with my eight inch dick." Laughing, she said, "I'm not that easy. It's going to take more than that." "Alright," I replied, "My mate can join in too, if you like, he's nine and a half inches."
I found a dating profile of my wife on her laptop and she had received interest from lots of men, even talk of running away with one, an Eric from Cheltenham. I can't believe she's done this to me, I'm so fucking happy.
Alex Salmond says independence will make Scottish homes £2000 richer. Result!! That's over 100 tins of Stella a week..... As European leaders dined on salmon Carpaccio, roast beef and artichokes on Tuesday night, The Prime Minister David Cameron enjoyed his Halal meat sandwich......
I said to the newest employee at work today, "If you lose any of your items, you must report it to Jamal from Accounting." "Alright," she I see that Alitalia, the national airline of replied, "Does he help find it?" "No, Italy, is going to be bought out by British he just probably has it," I replied. energy firm Powergen. Fantastic! Now Stupidity is not a disability. It's a choice they can be rebranded as Genitalia. made usually by the lazy and religious. If the creators of Gameover Zeus think they can take over my computer, empty my bank Printer Cartridges, account and make my life Cartridge Refills & miserable then they are too Stationery Store late. My wife beat them to it. Tel: 965 715 625 I asked the genie to make my forwardfirst1@gmail.com Calle Jóse Hurtado Romero N° 15 - 03181 - Torrevieja.
teeth look whiter. The bastard turned me into a black man. My girlfriend says I watch so much lesbian porn that it's becoming an obsession. Or
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A new study says that only 12 percent of 14-year-old girls in the UK today get the recommended amount of physical exercise. Well, I'm off down the park with my balaclava to do my bit to help.
sitting next to them. Another survey found that 73 percent of airline passengers can't take a fucking hint.
My boss called me into his office this morning. "One of your team has made I was throwing up after dinner last night a complaint about your racist attitude," when my wife said, "Oh, so you think my he told me. "Which one?" I asked, "No cooking is shit?" "I don't want to talk wait, don't tell me. I bet it was Chocco about it." I said. "Well, you brought it wasn’t it" up." She replied. Since going to see the West End Don't be an ignorant racist prick, just be production I've called my wife "Little horrible to everyone. Especially to blacks Voice." Because that was the day she and Pakis. was diagnosed with throat cancer. I can't believe how radically my 13-year old daughter changed her diet. One year ago she wouldn't eat vegetables and now I found a cucumber in her bedroom. Looks like Kate & Gerry McCann have been looking after the Portuguese defense this world cup campaign They've disappeared too!
Michael Schumacher has regained consciousness and been discharged from hospital. When asked if he has any plans to return to Formula One he replied, "Timmy!" Looks like it's time to start pretending Andy Murray isn't Scottish again...
They say that domestic violence increases sharply if England lose. Well I'm single, so if anybody can lend me their wife..... Everyone at work is viewing these naked pictures of my step daughter. The big question is: who nicked my phone? I was reading a survey which found that 27 percent of airline passengers don't like making small talk with the person 41
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
"Waiting until he's born". My mum went mental when I pushed my little sister into the swimming pool. She probably doesn’t want the wheelchair to rust. Best way to freak out a car salesman: "Do you think this would make a good getaway vehicle?"
I wife is so ugly, she once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big she'd get.
"Chemicals in toothpaste and soap could be behind drop in male fertility" No wonder the pakis are outbreeding us 6 to 1.
I was once asked to be a poster boy - for birth control.
My girlfriend runs her own very successful hairdressing business. They say that sex relieves She's not short of a bob stress. Not true. I had sex or two. last week and the police I host the breakfast show have been after me ever since. My mum said I'm not allowed to hang out with my black friends anymore, she thinks it's dangerous to climb trees. So, there I was tickling my little brother's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful. Something about 42
on a radio station aimed at unemployed people. I'm on between 2 and 4 in the afternoon. He can shout, scream and swear as much as he wants in order to try and butch up but the fact of the matter is, Gordon Ramsay is still doing a woman's job. My mate asked me how I got on at the golf course. I said, "Terrible! Sliced my ball at the 1st tee." He said, "Wrong choice of club?" "No mate! Left a fucking Stanley knife in my pocket." Earlier today I watched Black Adder ... or Mr Williams, as the other students refer to our West Indian maths teacher.
I felt so down today that I think I actually gained an extra chromosome.
stuff." "That's as maybe." I replied. "But every one starts with, "Take a clean dish..." I was walking through town today and a woman stopped me and said, "Hi, I'm from the spastics society and we're having a collection today. Could you help us?" "I am sorry," I said, "I don't actually have any spastics!" I've never been called a twat by a charity worker before.
Ryan Air have started serving grasshoppers as a cheap in-flight meal. That's the trouble with locust airlines.
I was out for a drive with the missus when the car filled with a repugnant odour. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and said "Some type of road kill... Skunk maybe?" To which I replied: "You need more vegetables in your diet, whatever it was."
When my wife started choking in the restaurant, three of the waiters rushed over and joined hands. "Never mind praying!" I shouted, "Do something!" "We are," one of them said, "But it's going to take at least three of us to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre on the fat cow." I feel like I'm the Karate Kid when help my girlfriend with a Brazilian. Wax on, whack off. Never mind the Brazilians. I can't wait for Qatar and the camel toes.
I've just read a fascinating article about sexbots. Apparently robots are becoming so sophisticated and so inexpensive that at some point they will be in every home. The latest female surrogate is called Roxxxy; unfortunately it's far too lifelike, it not only looks like a woman but talks like one.
My wife was always saying how useless I am about the house. So, she bought me a simple cook book to encourage me to be more useful in the kitchen. But, after looking all through it, I said, "I can't cook anything from this book." She was a bit surprised and said, "all those are very basic recipes, simple 43
I am very proud to say that I voted UKIP in the European elections last week. Well, when I say I did, I paid some Romanian £20 to do it for me.
with a tin of paint instead.
23 UKIP members are now MEPs at the Parliament in Brussels. Going over there and taking all the jobs... Police are investigating match-fixing claims over the friendly between Nigeria and Scotland. In exchange for conceding a penalty, the Scots are getting twenty schoolgirls each. BNP leader Nick Griffin has lost his seat in the European Parliament. He said, "In the good old days I'd have been able to just tell a nigger to get up and give me his."
£200,000,000 to rebuild the squad.
A new survey shows that there are more racist people living in Britain than there were 30 years ago. I blame After seeing those revealing pictures all those fucking foreigners who have today, I don't know why Princes William moved here. and Harry are part of the armed forces. Malcom Glazer, the owner of Man It's clear now that it's Kate who's the United, has died. This is what happens true commando. when you tell a Jew it'll cost him
BBC News: David Cameron has said that Brussels is too big. That would make it a cabbage then. Those scientists proclaiming grapheme to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners. Or Heard Lenny Henry’s stand up routine. That's two Glazers gone from United now... if you include the one who used to build their trophy cabinets. I felt very disappointed to read that Macaulay Culkin was forced off stage by people throwing pint glasses at him. They should have shown the little prick what it's like to be smashed in the face
Oscar Pistorius has been told he must stay in a psychiatric ward every week day for 30 days. Because apparently at weekends unicorns become real. Now that the Richard Scudamore/sexist email saga has passed, I think there are two important lessons we can take away from this sorry episode: 1) The upper echelons of our national game are dominated by unreconstructed male chauvinists, and their very presence precludes true gender equality in football. 2) There's one too many stuck-up bitches working for the FA. Prince Charles has apologised to the Russian ambassador for comparing Putin to Hitler, whilst on a state visit to Canada. He said that in future he would try to remember he's representing the Queen and not Prince Philip.
I see a man in Arizona accidentally shot himself in the leg while standing in queue at Wal-Mart. Or as they call that in America, 'a selfie'. A woman has been stoned in Pakistan after getting married; In western civilisation, we normally throw confetti. 44
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