Jester issue 68

Issue 68 September

Hi Dear reader.

Well a another day another dollar as they say. I can not believe I am writing this page again so soon. It seems like I was writing it only last week. Having said that quite a lot has happened in the last 30 days that can’t happen again.

We lost dear old Cilla (page 37), George Cole, Christopher Lee James Last, Omar Sharif, and Blakey of “On the buses”, just to name a few.

I wonder how many of them smoked, or had to endure passive smoking. The reason I bring up this point is the new law they are thinking of introducing in health and safety controlled Britain.

They are now trying to get smoking in beer gardens banned. Now, let me say that I do not smoke, I used to, but chose to stop. And I agree with certain laws in regard to smoking in restaurants or in cars if children are passengers. But this no smoking in beer gardens is just ridiculous. To my knowledge beer gardens are out doors so the smoke will waft up into the air. And what will this ban achieve? I will tell you shall I. It will close even more Pubs (and no I don’t own a pub) and more people will stay at home dinking and smoking in front of their Children. What a fucking great idea, lets kill a few kids with indoor passive smoke hey! It is

another case of fucking do-gooder’s having nothing better to do than interfere in everybody else’s lives because they have fuck all going on in their own. This lot will only be happy when the a only place people will be able to smoke is at the crematorium (in the kiln).

Another thing in the news recently is the campaign to allow Black Americans into the UK on asylum seekers status because they fear being killed by the Police in the good ol USA. What the fuck is going on? Now, so that I don’t get accused of being a racist, I will say don’t let any Americans in not just the black ones. I also believe that if we started shooting a few people ourselves then the ones across the channel tunnel would think twice about wanting to come here.

Anyway that is my bitching over for this month. I already know what I am going to complain about next month, just not enough time or space this month.

Take care.

Ed. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT GRAEME IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH “THE JESTER” AND DOES NOT REPRESENT IT IN ANY WAY.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

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Dear Editor, The date is getting nearer that Oscar Pistorius will be released after spending 10 months in prison. That's ten months he has gone without sex. So guys, lock up your daughters. Not in the bathroom though.

Callum. Dublin.

Oh shit, another truck load of legless jokes coming our way.

Ed. Dear Editor, In response to ze jibes that ve Germans haf no humour. Here iz von fo you. Ze fuhrer vas in a restaurant, ze waiter asks do you want wein or juice? Ze fuhrer answers; "Wein. Ze juice have been exterminated!" Hahahahaha!

Heinz. Villa Martin.

Thank you Heinz, very funny.

Ed. P.S Love your Baked Beans.

Dear Editor.

I don't know how you can make jokes about people dying or who are about to die. My brother died on 9/11, when the twin towers were attacked, he left behind two little girls and a boy.

You lot have no idea of the pain his family goes through every time you mention that date. Even if people don't read this sick magazine,

the jokes still continue and are passed around by text, so don't give me that "you shouldn't be reading the magazine which is for depraved people like us", it doesn't lessen the grief. My brother was a good man, it's such a shame that he got caught up in it all and that the FBI didn't question why he was taking flying lessons in the first place.

Ahmed. Bradford.

Dear Ahmed, so our little magazine offends you. Well all I can say is “I don’t care dickhead”.

Ed.

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Debbie: 693542762 or

Julia: 608084795 or Paul: 664 10 60 10 Please send your letter s, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

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PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT GRAEME OF CANAL PRINT IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH “THE JESTER” MAGAZINE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT IT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM..

The Editor.

After it was announced that Women's World Cup winner, Alex Morgan, was to feature on the US cover of FIFA 16 they have released some of her stats on the game: Passing: 35 Shooting: 55 Emotions: 99

two when you work at the Benefits office. I'm now fluent in Polish.

getting some money changed. The lady behind the counter asked if I'd like to have it in sterling.

Just got back to shitty I said, "Well, he's good English weather after looking for a footballer, two weeks all inclusive in but I'm not gay".

Benidorm, now I look like I saw a 40 year old an African child. Brown Muslim man walking down and depressed with a the street hand in hand swollen stomach. with a 9 year old girl.

I’m not saying my wife's a Whilst in America, my "That's disgusting!" I greedy cow.. But she can son and I went shopping shouted. "How could hear next door's fridge in Wal-mart. I asked the you?" "His dad can't get it light come on. cashier if they had any up any more," she replied.

The Amazon's last lost Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, tribe: Never-before-seen we don't sell them in the I just watching the Peruvian nomads who are States - they are a health Paralympics Anniversary untouched by civilization I hazard!" "Okay," I replied. Games, and the Olympic Stadium is about two bet one has fucking Man "I'll just take these two thirds empty. We may Utd shirt. assault rifles then." as well get used to seeing The wife and I have When my wife enters a it like that for when West had so much money from room, everyone stares.

Ham United move in there Government benefits we Usually because she has next season. decided to call our son the door frame attached "2b or not 2b?"

Grant. to her.

Either way, I think you've You can learn a thing or I was at the post office got small tits.

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I'm not saying my wife's fat, but when we go to Spain the rain mainly falls on her.

I once slept through a burglary, which was a shock. As the owners came down and saw me snoring with their TV on my lap.

One way to make illegal immigrants think twice about coming here, divert the euro star from dover to Blackpool.

I told my wife today that she had the memory of a goldfish. She was fuming!!

For about 3 seconds.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

"Yeah, but I haven't had of course." I replied, a shower since Granddad "Well, tell that to those came round at the bloody immigrants!" weekend."

If I ever see my wife

I've been given one of those tablets that helps you get an erection. You go on the internet and watch porn films on it.

My wife came home with a load of decorating gear. Not every Muslim is a "Not tonight dear, " I said, terrorist. But let's be fair, "I've got a headache." he is at least trying.

My daughter said she David Cameron has would like a nice bird vowed to cut down on tattoo on her shoulder. internet porn. Great "From what I've heard news, now if he stops down the pub, a swallow playing with himself all would seem appropriate." day, he may find time I said to her. to address some of the myriad of problems we If God didn't want us to are facing in the UK. eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of I went on to the African food.

'Trip Advisor'. Britain gets some good reviews.

I was taking a girl home when she said, "I'd better I asked David Cameron, warn you, there might be "If you had the choice a grey hair or two down between death or going there." "Surely you're home, which would you much too young?" I said. choose?" He said, "Home, 5

asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis‌ And then I have sex with her sister.

"Dad, today at school we learnt that milk comes from a cow." Said my 4 year old. "Your mother may fetch it son, but I pay for it." I replied.

My wife said the semen all over the bed was mine.

But it certainly didn't taste like it.

Say what you want about how McDonalds has made a lot of kids fat but it's also reduced kidnapping, child abuse, rape and even murder. I mean... who wants fat kids?

End Political Correctness.

Flash a Muslim!

have a problem." "You’re right," he replied, after a quick examination. You've got Alzheimers."

"What do you love most about me?" asked my wife.

"Your personality," I told her. "Aww, that's sweet," she replied, "well, what do you hate most about me?"

"Your other ten fucking personalities."

There's no black characters in Cluedo.

A girl on a bus said she would suck me But if there was, the game would be off for ÂŁ5. When she finished, she wiped over in one turn. her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What Apparently casual sex can increase is the world coming to? I mean who sells your chances of getting a STI, so I think cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"

I'll stick to hardcore from now on.

I'm writing a New Children's book Traditionally, men get down on one that's fun and educational. It's called knee to ask a woman for marriage.

Curious George gets Ebola.

And two knees to beg for a divorce.

Because of all the weight she's put on My wife was attacked last night and lately, I'm only able to have sex with the barely got away with her life. "Did he wife doggy style now. It's just regular try to cut your throat?" I asked, all upset. sex, but I have to give the fat cow a "No, he didn't have a knife," she replied. treat afterwards.

Well, if that useless bastard thinks he's England and France have pleaded with getting the other half of his money he UNICEF's Angelina Jolie to tackle the can think again. immigration problem by visiting Calais I'm applying government policies to my and adopting them all. house. I'm going to cut my kids pocket I phoned my doctor's practice today. money and pay myself more.

I said, "A pig just flew over my house."

"My family help Gary Barlow pay less "Sorry," replied the receptionist. "Did tax." "How? Are you accountants?" you say a pig?" I said, "Yes, a big fat "No, we just don't buy any of his pig!" She asked, "How?" I replied, records."

"Because you finally answered the fucking phone!"

"Every Friday night after work I go out for a few drinks," I told my doctor. "Love, can you put the radiators on "One thing leads to another and the please? I'm freezing to death up here," next morning I invariably wake up in a my wife shouted down three hours ago. strange bed next to some woman whose Couldn't have been that cold, she hasn't name I can't remember. I think I might asked me again.

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I was with the missus in Tesco and saw polish remover. Couldn't help thinking, "Finally, a solution for those bastards next door."

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American military intelligence is shit.

If they looked at the news, they would find that most of the Muslims are hiding in Calais.

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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

Why is everyone offended by Muslim Holiday home cleans, domestic weekly women wearing the burka? At least it cleaning, key holding and much more. blocks the smell.

A scrubber a day keeps the dust away!

I hate when people ask me what I'll be We will beat most quotes! doing in 5 years time.. I don't have 2020 vision.

I wouldn't say my wife is flat chested but she accidently put her bra on back Seems funny that they are investigating to front and it was a better fit. whether Ted Heath abused anyone.

When it was Tony Blair and Gordon I just saw an insect crawling down my Brown who fucked the whole country. fat mate's chest. It was a preying man tits.

I phoned 999 in a panic. "I've snapped my penis wanking!" I screamed in agony.

"We'll have an ambulance there in three minutes," the call handler replied. "Make it ten," I said. "I'll grit my teeth and try to finish."

I was lying on the sofa watching the football when my wife knelt beside me, unzipped my jeans, and took my dick in her mouth. Anyway, one thing led to another ... and it went into extra time and we won on penalties.

In the shit remake of the Karate Kid, Jaden Smith moves to China where he is bullied by some local kids. Why the fuck wasn't he sent to live with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air? 7

I had an argument with my wife in the pub and she stormed out. A woman came over, put her hand on my arm and said, "She doesn't understand you."

"And you think you do?," I grinned.

"No," she replied, "it's just that I was at school with her and she's fucking thick."

I got an erection whilst I was on the bus today. So I casually put my hand in my pocket and pulled my cock to the side so nobody would notice, then I got off the bus. I just stood at the bus stop for about 20 minutes waiting for my cock to go soft. People on the bus must have been thinking, "What the fuck is this driver up to?"

If Facebook has taught me anything thing it’s that Europe cares more about African lions than African people.

I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian.

I like the idea of taking an innocent seed and planting it in organic soil, and then nurturing it and watering it, and caring for it, until one day when it reaches its maturity I can finally kill it and eat it.

Walter Palmer has been offered a part in the remake of the Wizard Of Oz. The cowardly lion is shitting himself.

I took my son to school for the first time today and was amazed at the amount of mums turning up in 4 x 4's.

I thought to myself, they will never use those for off-roading. Then I saw them trying to park.

I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

It is believed the reason so many migrants from poor African countries are trying to get to the UK is because they see it as the land of "milk and

honey". As a lot of them are Muslims, surely all we need to do is let them know it's a land of bacon sandwiches and fat slags wearing skimpy clothes.

That should make the fuckers think twice.

I've just got up from having a lie down.

The rest is history..

Sometimes, I feel like killing myself.

But that's just typical when you're a black American police officer.

I wanted to do something to remember those that lost their lives in the Tianjin chemical explosion. So I've given all my colleagues a Chinese Burn.

I went for a job interview today. I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?" I said, "I'll blame someone else." Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

Thai police have confirmed 20 died in the Bangkok blast yesterday, the dismembered corpses of 10 male and 10 females were found at the scene along with 14 penises.

Caitlyn Jenner could face Vehicular Manslaughter charges... A woman for three months and already can't fucking drive!

Just tried doing a load of washing but fucking washing machine wouldn't work.

Then I noticed the wife had set it to coloureds. Reset to whites and it works great.

News: Man sets world record by kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. The previous record was zero.

My mum didn’t believe me when I told her I made a car out of spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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What's black and screams like fuck?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A vicar asked me yesterday if I believe there's a God. "I fucking hope not," I replied, "I've read the bible and he sounds like a right twat." As it turns out, I'll not be getting married at that Church now.

The United States military is now allowing Women in combat. Must be really confusing for the ones bleeding before they even get shot.

My son's become best friends with the new Muslim boy from next door.

Today he came in and said, "Dad, you need to be a bit more respectful of Muhammed's religion." I said, "Sure son, I will be from now on." Let's see the little fucker change his tune when he finds out I'm cancelling Christmas.

As I walked towards the train station, I was stopped by a guy who offered to tell my future for £5. "Fuck off" I shouted back at him. "You're going to hell" He shouted out. For a second I thought "Wow this guy knows his stuff" But then it dawned on me, he must have seen my ticket to Glasgow in my hand, the con artist.

I always thought that "Meals on Wheels" was for the elderly . . .

I stand corrected!

Because of the bad press, the US dentist who killed Cecil the lion is probably going to lose his business.

I expect the cruel prick will be at home now, crying into his new rug.

A young black American boy has double hand transplant to replace the ones he'd lost. He may regret that when he's older when he tries to squeeze out of the hand-cuffs.

I just sung my gran to sleep. I even used the beeps on her life support machine as a rhythm. It was great, although I had to go a bit acappella at the end and the doctor's kept asking me to leave.

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The doctor came out of the maternity ward and said, "Mr Smith, I'm afraid your baby was still born." I asked, "What, STILL, after all the shit I did to kill it?!"

Wichita, Kansas - a 9-year-old bat boy, who played for the Liberal Bee Jays, passed away after he was accidentally hit in the head by a swinging baseball bat.

If you're playing for a club called the "Liberal Bee Jays", you should expect to get some wood in the face sooner or later.

I told my wife that I heard a Chinese man sing Hero at karaoke tonight.

"The Mariah Carey song?" she asked.

"No, Lionel Ritchie".

North Korea is establishing their own time zone. Not that big of a deal for tourists really, since they'll need to set their watch back 40 years when they land, what's another 30 minutes?

My mate Gary asked me "Fancy coming to reincarnation convention with me later?" "Why not" I said "You only live once".

I just bought some wrinkle cream. It's cheaper than an iron.

Blonde: "Why do you keep turning off the lights?" Dave: "I'm trying to reduce our carbon footprint." Blonde: "Can't we just wear smaller shoes?"

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How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to call a cheap Polish electrician and the other to complain about foreigners taking our jobs.

The Bin Laden family really should have remembered that they never taught their pilots how to actually land planes.

A man with no driving licence who is paralysed from the waist down was caught driving at 80mph in un-adapted vehicle while over the drink-drive limit.

He pressed his left leg with his left hand to brake and the right hand on the other Jenson button and his wife were gassed leg to accelerate. Hey, be fair! I'd have to be pissed to attempt it too. then robbed at a villa in France, police are looking for a gang of Germans My girlfriend is very insecure about her weight. So much so that I'm thinking of Looks like the only Ashes in Australia detaching the reversing alarm. this month will be Neville Neville's.

'Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, she's 'God's Cilla' now. So expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks.

More people die on Britain's roads each year than drowned when The Titanic sank. Yet you still can't buy a car with a lifeboat.

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They say there's always light at the end of the tunnel. And a shitload of immigrants.

UPVC WINDOWS DOORS My daughter phoned to tell me & CONSERVATORIES she'd met a new guy, then she ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS started screaming and I heard UNDERTAKEN gunshots before the line went CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 dead. He sounds American.

URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, I Went for a lovely meal ALICANTE, SPAIN. `at the weekend in London. I TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com ordered everything in English which was a surprise as no one girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that spoke it! she doesn't get any money from it, which I said to a mate at work, "My son is so is every Jew's worst nightmare. fucking stupid. Yesterday he stole my Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? next door neighbour's phone and got Yeah, he tried to jump 100 niggers with caught." He said, "Did the police do a a steamroller! trace on it?" I said, "No, they followed Grass isn't always greener on the other the cable to my house." side of the fence. Although it does Cecil the Lion taught me two things. usually have nicer tits.

The internet loves cats, and people My girlfriend bought a home waxing fucking hate dentists. kit the other day. She asked me if she As a man I am lucky to live the fantasy should just do the sides or leave a strip of having a threesome whenever I want. down the middle. I said I would prefer I mean my mates Adam and Dave are it if she didn't have a moustache at all. always up for it! Horny bastards.

You hear a lot about the Chinese Just watching the news about these population explosion. But it's not until 'sexual allegations'. When I was young, you see mobile phone videos on the I was touched in inappropriate places. news that you realise how impressive Mainly Swindon. it is.

After driving down the high street, my My daughter's boyfriend brought her wife was trying to fit into a tight space. home drunk. "Quick, call an ambulance," People were waiting, getting impatient as I shouted. "She's only a bit pissed," she went back and forth, sweat dripping he said. "It's not for her dickhead," off her forehead. Eventually though, the I replied. shopkeeper opened the other door.

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me My grandfather was on The Titanic. And of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt as far as I know, he still is. the other day during our lunch break I feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she when she said, "Remember, you have gets her diary published, which is every a wife."

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pieces. After that, I ripped up all the pictures of him. Finally, I put it all in a pile in the middle of the living room, and I lit it on fire. Then I got the hell out of his house!

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier.

The cold climate puts off any "Fuck these flying ants!" I said to my potential visitors. wife as I walked in from the garden, Between 66 and 70, a woman is like "With what you've got, you probably Mongolia : a glorious past, great could," she sneered. conquests, but without a future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan I had a terrible break up. My friends or the north pole: many know its told me that if I want to get over my ex-boyfriend, I should get rid of anything whereabouts, but no-one dares to that reminded me of him. So what I did, venture there...

MALE GEOGRAPHY is I took the pillows that smelled like him, and cut them up. Then, anything Between 15 and 90, a man is like we bought together, I smashed into tiny Zimbabwe or America: Ruled by a dick...

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What do you call a Genie's dog? A Labracadabrador.

aggressive," I said, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

I told a joke about schizophrenia the other day but no one thought it was funny. It sounded a lot better in my head.

I saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood.

What do feminists and Duracell have in common? They go on and on and on and on and‌.

I put my years of watching porn to good use tonight and had sex in an amazing new way.

With another person.

I love my wife and I'd do anything for her. Although with her IBS, probably not anal.

My boss called me. "Why are you late?!" he asked angrily. "I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he said.

"But they look

Why the fuck are the government thinking about getting involved in more wars?

We have our own battles to win, like finally defeating that naughty 0.1% of bacteria that eludes our Daz every day.

I heard Stephen Hawking's son wants to be a scientist, he wants to follow in his father's wheel tracks.

The police took my book about sex with underage girls while searching my house. It's really pissed me off, diaries are meant to be personal.

My mate asked, "Why is it always good looking women that seem go missing?"

I replied, "Because I have standards."

What do you call a Muslim in a shower? Lost.

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he smashed my headlight unit, dented my bonnet to fuck and came crashing through the windscreen to end up on my passenger seat. Luckily, I'd just picked up an air freshener.

Funny how attractive women always drive cute little cars. That reminds me, the wife's Panzer needs an MOT. What's the difference between in and out? I don't fantasise about watching lesbians making in.

My girlfriend called me apathetic and left I was just about to run after her and ask 'a pathetic what..' Then I realised I don't care.

I think I drank too much last night.....

I was more wasted than an Australian batsman's sun cream.

After watching Game of a Thrones me and the wife have really got into the Our dog trainer said a finger in the anus fantasy genre so much so that we've would calm him down when he's angry. started to play dungeons and dragons.

Or I could just pay him the ÂŁ50 I owe I now keep her locked in the basement him. with the mother-in-law.

Last night my wife stormed into the I sat down in the dentist's chair. "If you living room and shouted, "Why the fuck could just open up for me then," said the is there lipstick on your collar!?" Turns woman. I said, "Well, I don't think my out our Labrador is a bit of a slut. parents love me anymore."

BBC News: F1 Driver Jensen Button burgled! It must have been a genuine burglary, since his girlfriend is still alive.

I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke: What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing.

The guy behind us leaned over and said, "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. As the guy got up to get off , "He hoked on a sock." he said.

Leaving Halfords' car park today a little too fast, I hit a Paki on the corner and 14

So the Tories want to cut benefits to overweight people or those with alcohol or drug addictions. Or the Scottish, as they're more commonly referred to.

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"I had to stop wanking at the window" I said to my friend. "Did the neighbours complain?" he asked "No but the cashier wasn't very happy about it" I replied.

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I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.

As I left Liverpool after my annual visit to the in-laws, I started to really miss certain things. Namely my watch, phone and wallet.

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour. Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

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Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Tough question. Which came first, that ugly bloke's lottery win or his fit girlfriend? Not so tough.

My gay lover's annoyed that I swapped his haemorrhoid cream with lemon juice. I was telling my mate who works with me at the chloroform factory that I was Talk about sour grapes. going through an amazing patch with the To prove to the wife I could be a ladies lately, they just weren't saying no responsible parent, I volunteered to to sex at all. However I did miss out the babysit our four year old while she had fact they weren't actually saying yes a night at bingo. When she returned she either. was quizzing me like mad.. "Did you put I said to my mate, "I can't remember him to bed by eight?" "Yes." "Did you the name of the movie company that give him supper?" "Yes." "Did he finish has a mountain in its logo." He said, "Is it all and drink his cup of milk?" "Yes." it paramount?" I said, "Not really, it's "Did you take him to the toilet before just really annoying me." bed?" "Yes." "Did you help him brush his teeth properly?" *sigh* "Yes." "Even My girlfriend and I broke up due to his bottom teeth?" "Oh shit, no, sorry religious differences... She failed to love." I said. "To be honest, I didn't worship me. know there was any up there."

The top six words that women hate Breaking News: men saying are - 1. Moist 2. Squirt 3.

Chinese factory worker with singed Panties 4. Chunky 5. Curd 6. Flap. The pants and smoking a cigarette, found words they like to hear are - 1. Take clinging on to the MIA Space Station. 2. My 3. Bankcard.

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that she injected her with Botox to try and win beauty pageants. The child didn't look surprised.

Given the opportunity, I would fuck Holly Willoughby in a heartbeat. Seriously.

That's how long it would take me.

I've just ordered 200 black mannequins from France.

This should be fun.

I was banging the fuck out of this Swedish lass when her 86 year old father walked in. Wait till my mates found out I've had a threesome.

Immigrants trying to get to England said the conditions in Calais were truly horrific, smelly and disgusting. "You'd think the French would at least shower occasionally," said Abdellahi from Ethiopia.

There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day. One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?" The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are really painful, but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."

Mo Farah has definitely been taking drugs. I've just seen him on telly saying that Quorn is tasty.

An American police spokesman admitted to the media that 5% of his officers had slight discrepancies in their attitude towards black people. But at least the other 95% were totally committed and were willing to shoot blacks.

I told my wife that there are three types of women. slags, whores, bitches and argumentative cows… She said that's four types… I said yeah… there you fucking go again!

Illegal immigrants are apparently now being advised to say they are gay in order to claim asylum in the UK. Which is quite appropriate really, because the British will bend over and take it up the arse from just about anyone.

My girlfriend asked if I wanted her to dress up as a schoolgirl for me: "There's no rush" I said, "let's just enjoy you being in nursery for a while."

Customs officers arrested a number of Irishmen today at Tilbury Docks A mother has lost custody of her eight after discovering 2000 tins of peaches year old daughter after it was revealed concealed in 500 kilograms of cocaine.

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I'm sending my blow up doll back. I filled it with Nitrous Oxide and she laughed her tits off.

My wife phoned me from the hospital.. "You must come," she cried. "My mother's taken a turn for the worse, she may only have a few hours left!"

"But Arsenal are playing Chelsea live on Sky," I replied. "You can record it," she said. You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with my camera and tripod.

My girlfriend made me a thick winter jacket that can be worn inside out.

Typical woman, makes a terrible reverse parker.

There's a couple of things I don't like about my girlfriend.

1. Her lack of tits.

2. Her name, Dave.

To be honest I don't really care whether or not you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven.

Just show me why you got kicked out of there.

My diabetic Grandad's feet really smell. Perhaps we should have had them incinerated after they were amputated.

I stopped by a set of traffic lights and stared

What drives Muslims to suicide bombing? Usually a 12 year old transit van packed to the fucking roof with explosives.

17

at the guy next to me. I looked ahead, then back at him again. I could see the fear in his eyes, he knew I was faster. Then we crossed the road.

I found a kangaroo in the bin today. I call him Skippy.

I recently bought a surround-sound system for my TV - it is so crisp, clear and lifelike. My neighbours now think I have the most incredible sex life and can speak eight different languages...

I'm starting to get selfconscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

NEVER have the balls to leave the house dressed like that.

Myra 'Ling Ling' Forde, a brothel madam, says Sir Edward Heath liked his male escorts to be slim, dark, foreign and in their twenties. We had to join the fucking EU for that?!.

Flowers and cards were being placed by the lamp post where 12 months ago a car accident claimed the lives of my Children. I was deeply distressed and tearful. My wife and her mother should have been with them that day as well.

A black guy left his laptop open in Starbucks earlier so I had a quick snoop while he was in the toilet and it was full of child pornography! I wanted to call the police but I had to wait for the black guy to come back first so I could find out who he’d nicked the laptop from.

I took my daughter down Everybody has their own the park this morning to feed the ducks. Ungrateful circle of friends. Yet the bastards spat her out. police still want to refer to mine as a 'ring'.

So Nicole Scherzinger has A Hong Kong woman has gone from Lewis Hamilton been sentenced to prison to Ed Sheeran... I guess for assaulting a policeman orange really is the new with her breast. The judge black. ruled she used it as a I support all refugees weapon. The officer said and illegal immigrants that all he recalls about the come to the UK. I pay incident was feeling a tax and national insurance right tit. to support the fuckers.

I sometimes I look at My friends keep calling tramps wandering round me a pedantic. I just point our town and wish I had out there's no need for their self confidence. I'd the "a".

"My wife is my rock."

"Because she's reliable?"

"No." "Dependable?"

"Not really."

"Trustworthy then?"

"Nah." "Well, why then?"

"Because she looks like Dwayne Johnson."

18

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she came by the five dollars. The little girl replied, WHAT’S ON IN SEPTEMBER "Tommy down the street gave me five KITCHEN OPEN DAILY dollars for doing a cartwheel while he 10am til 10.30pm sat in the tree." The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy Great Meal Deals is just trying to see your panties?" “Ooh” From 5€ said the little girl. The next day the little Entertainment 7 nights a week girl came running into the house yelling, Karaoke Tuesdays.

"Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..." Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I Went to visit my wife's Gran in hospital didn't wear any panties today." yesterday. There was a sign on the bed A very tall man walks into a bar, and a saying nil by mouth so we had to do anal lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. instead.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

My 6 year old's a genius.. I asked him, "What's 5, 12 and 16?" He replied, "Channel 5, Dave and QVC." I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

There's a stunning little Thai girl works at the ice cream parlour I go to, always wearing skimpy little tops and mini skirts. I love it when she leans right over to scoop me out some banana sorbet flavour, I can see right down her top and have a good look at her lovely little tits.

I never get raspberry ripple though. If she leans over that far, her dick falls in the Neapolitan.

19

like most of mine do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in June.

As I was walking down the street today I bumped into a school teacher that I had a huge crush on when I was younger. "Tom?" she stopped, "Is that you?" "That's me!" I smiled. She said, "You look great! Where are you off to?" "The tattoo parlour," I nervously replied. "Sounds exciting," she winked, "What are you getting?" I said, "An erection."

My son asked, "Dad, where do animals Some experts say that dumb people go when they die?" I said, "It depends, are fascinated by shiny things. Well, son." He asked, "On whether they that explains why woman love jewellery were good or bad?" I replied, "No, I took my wife to have and to hold, for on whether they taste good or not." richer for poorer, in sickness and in I've had to sack Peter Parker. I only health. But this "I want a new kitchen" sent him out to pick a peck of pickled every five years, I didn't sign up for. peppers. And how many pecks of pickled I wake up every morning bright and peppers did Peter Parker pick? Fuck all. breezy and looking forward to the day He came back with a stupid story about ahead. Which fucked up my Blues Singer radioactive spiders. dream.

Food always tastes nicer when it's free.

I guess our first date went pretty much Like breast milk.

20

I woke up this morning having a wet dream and shitting myself. I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Apple should start selling Apple Vibrators because they are good at putting things in nice boxes "I've got a confession" explained my wife, "I was raped just before we got together, and I quite liked it" "I also have a confession" I said, "I know."

All Rugby World Cup Games Shown Monday Closed.

Wednesday 8:30pm Quiz Night Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm

Two men got chatting and one complained he had lost his job and the Benefits office had only awarded him £ 128.00 per week to support his wife and child. The other man said he gets £980.00 a week from the Benefits office, was single and did fuck all work. How come you get so much and I don't said the first man.

Because I am the manager there, he replied.

Four Chelsea fans have been banned from football matches for a combined total of 18 years for a racist attack against a black man on a Paris Metro train. In summing up, District Judge Gareth Branston described their behaviour as, 'abhorrent, nasty, offensive, arrogant and utterly unacceptable.' Oh well, at least they embraced French culture.

I sent a text to a girl saying, "Want to go out sometime?" She replied, "What?

Ew...no thanks." I said, "Sorry, damn autocorrect. I meant to say, 'You're an uppity bitch.'"

A fit blonde walked up to me in the street yesterday and slipped a piece of paper in my hand with an address

on it and the instruction to be there at 8pm tomorrow. "Fuck yes" I thought earlier today as I splashed on my Brute aftershave, "I'm getting laid tonight" I waited outside for 15 minutes and she hadn't turned up., so I popped in and it was a Weight Watchers meeting. Poor girl must have been so hungry, she wrote down the wrong address.

I was out shopping for clothes today when the staff and customers were all busy taking photos of themselves as usual. Fucking hate Selfieridges.

I've decided not to quit on learning to juggle chainsaws. Although, it's going to be more difficult now doing it with one hand.

Lynx have released a new deodorant for Muslims, But after a Court Case they have had to take off the "Danger of Explosive, and Flammable Signs" from the Can. Dickinson doesn't sound that bad a name. Provided you say it quick enough.

21

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Find and circle all of the Old West words that are hidden in the grid.

The remaining 25 letters spell a George Eliot quotation. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

Londoners from the Thames flooding, the people of Chelsea would go in four by fours.

After killing Cecil The Lion, Walter Palmer from Minnesota wondered if he'd ever get off the news headlines Well Walter....Surprise Surprise!!

I went to buy a second hand car that was advertised by a private seller in the paper today. I said, "What is it like on diesel, mate?" "It skids everywhere," he replied.

What's the difference between the Australia Cricket team and Cilla Black?

Cilla managed to get to 72.

My missus told me to go down The Range and look for a bargain. I did, came back and she said "what did you get then?"

I said "a bucket of 100 balls and a pint for 6 quid".

A major fire that broke out in the centre of Birmingham has now been put out. Local residents say that the city centre hasn’t looked this good since the Luftwaffe made a visit 70 years ago.

I have lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.

Two good half centuries today, one from Joe Root and the other from Australia.

Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around the house.

Whenever he barks the kids shit themselves.

Scientists have apparently discovered a link between takeaway food and Alzheimer's. I can certainly believe this. I got another vindaloo last night, forgetting the state they leave my fucking arse in.

If Noah built an ark to protect 23

postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view. When will the madness end?

This is not a joke.

This is for real.

Mustapha Whippee has lost his ice cream round due to his links with 'so called' ices.

A terrorist attack in a public swimming pool would be disastrous, experts have warned. As it's against the rules to run away.

Woke up with a sore arse again this morning. Slept right through my rape alarm.

My wife's set to dive in a competition soon. Everyone reckons she'll be the worst there by a mile but I reckon she's got a massive advantage. If she goes first, everyone else will be diving into an empty pool.

Channel 5; The Boy with Giant Hands.

What I used to call myself, until reality

A lollipop lady in Birmingham.

Controversy has struck the Islamic world- The legendary "Missing First Page" of the Koran has been found. It reads (after translation) "This book is dedicated to my loving wife Candy.

All characters and events in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental. Some of the actions and events in this book may be dangerous, please do not try them at home."

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have 24

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A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

Justin Beiber is feeling exhausted by working far too hard recently. Might I suggest a few lines of coke followed by a nice hot bath.

I was in the doctor’s surgery for a routine check-up when he decided to ask me some questions. "Now don't worry Mr Smith, we do not judge our patients just answer as honestly as possible and we can quickly move on so let's begin..." "Are you sexually Active Mr Smith?" Yes I am. "Good... left or right handed?" Now hang on a minute‌ It was last night when I realised my wife and my dog have a lot in common.

They're both Bitches.

horrible." Republican's reaction: "Typical nigger." Feminist's reaction: "Typical man." Liberal's reaction: "How can we blame white people for this?"

Yvette Cooper says Jeremy Corbyn is set to take us all back to the 1970's.

If that means getting rid of the X factor and bringing back Top of the Pops, count me in.

My dad came home with a bloody crowbar. "What happened?" I asked, My childhood sucked. The only time my surprised. "I just saw a man..." he dad played with me was when I was still stuttered, his face still in shock, "He in his balls. was...violently abusing a woman." "Did Black man murders family of eight in you sort him out?" I said. He said, "No, Texas. Normal person's reaction: "That's but he gave me his crowbar."

27

do that in front of your child," exclaimed a man.

"Technically, he's not my child," I replied. "What..." said my son.

I was told in school that there is safety in number's however I get nasty looks when I point how 6 million Jews contradict that statement.

They've upgraded our The conductor of my It was a fantastic night office for wheelchair wife's lie detector test until I went to walk her access. Which means I revealed that my wife had home. I took her hand been unfaithful. "How and found my wallet in it. now go everywhere on my swivel chair. reliable are these results?" Many people have been I sat down with my son I asked him. "Very," he quick to criticise Lord chatting last night and said replied, "She sucked me Sewel for consorting with "you’re in your late teen's off in the car park earlier." prostitutes but look at it now and still no girlfriend Study: Exercise may help this way: At least it's a how come"? He replied "I treat Alzheimers. It's true. step up from the company need a girl with good No one forgets to tell you he usually keeps. looks and personality" they just exercised.

My wife called me while That's it a bachelor for Choose Coke Original, I was at work. "Honey, life then.

Life, zero, or Diet? Thanks I'm getting contractions," Cosmologists believe for the offer but I prefer she grunted. "I need you that if aliens exist, they are Coke White off a hookers to drive to the hospital." likely to weigh 600 pounds a tits.

When I got there I called or more. What are the her back and said, "What odds they would look just Really upset by the death do you want me to do like Americans? of Bobbi Kristina Brown. I now?" will now have to have sex I told my neighbour, with my wife when I finish What's the difference "Your dog is driving me my shift at the Alberta between a High Court crazy!" "But we don't have General hospital.

Judge and a black toilet a dog..." she replied. I said, attendant? One is a Big "See what I mean."

I went on a date with a Wig, the other is a Bog black girl last night, and I'm not sure what will Wog. she paid for everything. upset the Americans more All the drinks, entry to I was casually minding my When they find out that the nightclub and even business while smoking a Jesus wasn't Christian or the kebab afterwards. cigarette. "You shouldn't wasn't a white American.

28

I swapped my library for a small root vegetable. I thought: Well there's a turnip for the books.

people she works in a poundshop. But, I think it sounds so much nicer than saying she works in a brothel.

A man has been found guilty today You wouldn't see me having a job as a of murdering a woman by inserting a bouncer. I hate trampolines. shampoo too far into a woman via her The 'Bunsen burner' was named after its vagina, how far is too far? Head and inventor, Robert Bunsen. When it gave shoulders perhaps. him a very nasty burn.

I honestly couldn't decide which of my I went for a job interview today. The mates from the Rugby Club to have as interviewer said, "According to your CV, the best man for my wedding; all 100% you're too sarcastic." "That's correct," I top friends. So I let the love of my life replied. "And why would you write such decide. She chose Carl, apparently he a thing on your CV?" he asked. I said, has the biggest dick.

"Because it's a document that provides a summary of one's experience and skills." I was driving my car today, when a banging and grinding noise started Voting Conservative is like wiping your coming from the engine. Fortunately, ass with a sock. You're just making the it stopped as soon as I turned the radio best of a bad situation. up louder.

Last night I found out my wife had Playing doctors and nurses with the used my 'missing' credit card to buy wife in the bedroom last night didn't go ÂŁ600 Armani sunglasses. Let's just say I very well. Especially when I diagnosed gave her a good reason to wear them her as clinically obese. today.

Why is the internet going crazy about I was disgusted at what was on the TV Harper Beckham being pictured with a last night, so I got my pistol and put a dummy? She can't choose her father. bullet through it. Fucking cat.

I was trying to reassure the wife last night that she would be fine doing the emergency stop on her driving test. Apparently though, 'pretend you've seen a cake shop' was not the right thing to say.

"It's not working!" I said to my wife. "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" "Piss off, Dave!" she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake bringing you to the hospital to see my mum on her life support."

My wife gets annoyed when I tell 29

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An Arab had spent many days in the desert without finding a source of water.

It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst. He crawled on, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie was a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis. 'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You get tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!' 'Vott you got to lose? Look you're a goner anyvay!' The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with wonderful food and drink.' P O O F! The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?' 'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.' P O O F! The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests

filled with rare old coins and precious gems. 'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a gut vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!' P O O F! He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jew, there's bound to be a string attached.

Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he meets a little girl. He asks the girl how old she is and she says, "I'm turning 10 tomorrow." to which Hitler responds, "No you're not.

I was very reluctant to leave the house when I had an Black Italian handyman round to do some work called Nick Matelli. I was sure it was tempting fate.

So you can imagine how relieved I was to come back and find he'd only raped the wife.

My Chinese girlfriend got so annoyed when I told her I thought all Chinese people looked the same. Or it could have been her mum who was annoyed, or her sister or her best friend. I really couldn't tell.

I visited a Mandarin Library yesterday.

It was full of Chinese whispers.

31

inspiration to me. I often sat there wondering where I would have been if it wasn't for her. Until my dad said "Dribbling down Monica from number 26's tits, as she wasn't as easy as your mum".

I visited a mate in hospital who'd been viciously beaten up in the pub a few nights earlier. "What happened?" I asked.

"It was just after you left," he explained.

"Some cunt told that group of rugby players that I'd been calling them wankers and they all piled into me."

"Shit. Why would someone tell them that?" I said, shaking my head. "Beats "I never get to see my mother," sobbed me," he replied. "Anyway, thanks for my wife. "I suppose you can see her for a coming to visit. I was worried you might bit today," I sighed. So I put my drink be still be mad at me for chatting up that down, went to the sideboard and turned girl you'd spent all evening trying to get the old bitch's picture around. off with."

My girlfriend and her gay best friend My fat wife has epilepsy. She weighs have the best sense of humour. I just herself on the Richter scale. found them in bed together naked, with a used condom on the floor. Comedy gold.

The zoo animals next door to my place have escaped, and one's made its way onto my playground. I'll let it slide...this time.

The situation with all these desperate African immigrants fleeing persecution is getting a bit ridiculous now. I've just got back from Calais to find a family of lions from Hwange National Park hiding in my boot.

"Don't lie to me I know you are having an affair with the gardener" I said to my wife. "What made you suspect it?" she asked. "Because we live in a flat" I replied.

My mum has always been such an 32

At a family dinner-party last night, my dotty old grandad came in from the shed, carrying his toolbox. "Watch this trick, son." He said, taking out a saw and hacking away through his trousers at his wooden leg. "Bet you've never seen anyone do this before, have you!?" "Of course I have, grandad."

I told him. "That's the reason you've GOT the fucking thing."

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start to reminisce. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other. "And

this is my second son Khalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ...." says the other. "And this is my third son.

My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

My wife came home today and said "You'll never believe what happened to Mary from the cafĂŠ." "She badly burned both her hands." I'm not surprised." I told her. "Probably friction, from rubbing them together when you walked in.

33

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.

So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he would not fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it any more, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell

over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a fridge..."

I just took a Chameleon into a Rubik's cube factory. Your move, Nature.

34

Kent. Would it not be better to use it for containing the immigrants, after all it's land that we can legally test our weapons.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Jesus turned water into wine. Typical fucking Jew, they'll do anything to avoid actually paying for a round.

UK Headline: Black man nearly drowns in local river. US Headline: Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.

Why are there no Jews in the ghetto?

'Because if you're circumcised you don't cum from the hood.

My granddad died yesterday, but he had "I wish I had a jumper like you have," I a good innings. Well, until the cricket said. Monday nights are always so boring ball hit him. at the Samaritans.

I’ve Just got back from the future... You How many black men does it take to wouldn't believe how many blades they change a lightbulb? 20,000 - one to steal have on razors. the first bulb and get shot by police by pretending to be armed, and 19,999 to loot and riot for weeks while claiming it's the white man's responsibility to change the bulb in the first place.

I witnessed a man raping a pig the other day and I have to admit I was pretty turned on. But this morning I was arrested. Apparently its illegal to not come to the assistance of a police officer in trouble.

My neighbour called me from Brighton to ask if I'd spend a week there with him.

He must be away with the fairies.

Politicians are very concerned about the situation in Calais. It's slowing down their supply of prostitutes and cocaine.

M.O.D to offer land for easing traffic in 35

See if you can solve this one. Facial expression interpretations are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each one is experiencing:

They are all about to sneeze! You sick Sod! I was reading a porno magazine which was advertising a brothel service finishing the advert with 'Experience counts'. I thought, 'That has to be a typo'.

My wife says she doesn't like the taste of semen. Well, she doesn't seem to mind it in her coffee.

My mates and I got pissed and decided to see who could ejaculate the farthest.

I think I won, I didn't even get a hard-on 'til I was past Glasgow.

The wife's finally been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Just my luck to have to go all the way to the Antartic for a threesome.

My neighbour knocked on my door. She said, "I've called the police." "Why?" I asked. "Your behaviour scares me." she replied, "Just this morning you were watching me through the window." "So what?!" I laughed. "I couldn't see where I was fucking driving!"

36

My wife phoned me to say me that the ginger bird with the big teeth had died.

I was fucking gutted when I found out it wasn't Janet Street Porter.

To protect Cilla Black's grandchildren from the stress of her funeral, the decision was made for them to stay away. Understandable, considering Cliff Richard would be there.

Cliff Richard is to sing at Cilla Black's funeral. It's the least he could do, after her keeping her mouth shut all these years.

Jimmy Tarbuck: Cilla was Liverpool's Cinderella. With Paul O'Grady and Christopher Biggins attending, someone had to be.

Cilla Black's Scouse funeral got off to a slow but traditional start when the hearse stopped at a red light. By the time the lights changed the hearse was up on bricks and Cilla's coffin was halfway to the nearest Cash Converters.

Congratulations to mediocre crooner, bachelor Sir Cliff, who for old time sake, today knocked-out a couple for Cilla's boys at her funeral!?

When someone told me that a popular flame haired singer had died, I couldn't believe it. Imagine my disappointment to discover that ginger prick Mick Hucknall is still alive and well.

Thanks to Cilla Black, my mother will get a new kidney as she was an exact match. After a quick word with the surgeon they are going to drop her teeth off too so I can tile my whole bathroom.

A successful recording career and numerous television appearances made

Cilla Black. It's expected that cremation will have a similar effect!

Liverpool born Cilla Black has died from natural causes. So was it a drugs overdose, stabbing, or shooting then?

After it's procession through Liverpool, Cilla Black's hearse received a much-deserved round of applause as it arrived at the church. With all four wheels still attached.

My mate at Liverpool town hall told me they've now had to put out the nineteenth book of condolence for Cilla Black. "Have they filled them up that quickly?" I asked. "No�, he replied “fucking nicked them."

It has been reported that before her death, Cilla knew that Bobby would be waiting for her. Surely a poignant message to all Blacks that there's a Bobby waiting for them all.

What's Black, Orange and dead?

My Duracell battery.

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here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

Called Childline yesterday. Apparently, they don't do deliveries.

I pulled over on the motorway earlier to let a fire engine past, but the wanker in the car in front didn't. The firemen had the last laugh though, they cut the roof of off his car and all bundled him into a big sack, that'll teach the prick.

Diego Maradona has taken his ex-wife to court over allegations of her stealing 9 Millions Euros of his money. It’s a good job us Brits don't hold grudges, otherwise we'd be saying that the cheating, fat, Argentinian, hand-using, world cup ruining wanker deserved it.

I told my wife I've been having sex with our babysitter. "I had my suspicions," she said. "Like when?" I asked. She said, "Like when I went to dinner by myself."

My young daughter came home the other day visibly upset, and told me the local muslims are trying to groom her.

I don’t know what the big deal it, her hair is shit, she should be grateful for the tips.

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out 39

BBC NEWS: Greece is now at its richest since it was declared bankrupt.

Our reports say that a British man crossed the border carrying a £10 note.

I was about to go into the bookies to place my weekly footie bet when I noticed a young girl sat in an empty shop doorway nearby. She couldn't have been much older than my teenage daughter Syria has appealed for international and I was struck by how forlorn she assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life. looked, gazing blankly out to the street with a filthy blanket wrapped around her What are the first three letters of the and a small cardboard sign that simply Greek alphabet? I.O.U. read, "homeless". I looked at the £10 note in my hand and immediately turned I'm investing in a new currency… The away from the bookies and headed George Foreman Euro. Same as the toward where was sat, thinking… "State other Euro but no Greece. she's in, I reckon she's desperate enough Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will to give a blowjob for this down that side "Bounce back". Just like its cheques. alley."

My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his Joe public: "isn’t it true that there are pocket money off him. compelling leads pointing to the fact that a former prime minister may well have You know that Greece is bankrupt when their President travels around on been a serial paedophile and that this country appears to have serious 'Skateboard One'. institutionalised issues concerning child abuse?"

The establishment: oh…errr ...what?

Look over there at that conveniently ailing charity filling the headlines!

Joe public: but you'll investigate won’t you?

The Establishment: Yeah I know, poor Cilla, what a shame!

Sports bras are meant to stop women's tits from jiggling up and down when they are jogging. They ought to re-name them 'Spoil Sport Bras.'

I've spent the past 6 months dieting and exercising intensely in the hopes that I would one day be able to look down and see my penis again. Now I'm in the best shape of my life, light as a feather and sporting a nice firm six pack. Still can't see my dick though.

40

Eventually, after 45 minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt.

The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the Above the GAMMA Supermarket, DoĂąa Pepa. sweating Englishman and shoves the FRENCH CHEESE & WINE PARTY mic in his face. "Holy Goddam shit boy!

WEDNESDAY You done broke the World Record by 2nd September (6/7pm) a clear 15 minutes! How'd you do that?"

Roule, Morbier, St Agur & Comte The Englishman replies, "Easy. My wife's ONLY 6â‚Ź an epileptic. And if I can ride her bare Includes glass of Beaujolais per back for 5 minutes, I can ride this thing PRE-PAID person plus for an hour!"

free small house drink to anyone wearing French costume!

OO LA LA!!

NEXT PARTY: WEDNESDAY 7th OCTOBER (FIRST WEDNESDAY EVERY MONTH)

An Englishman on holiday in Texas, wanders into a local shit kickers bar and has a good few beers. After a while, he notices there's one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.

The barman not only says yes but grabs a mic and proceeds to make a big show out of it. Englishman on a good ol' Texan bull, etc. The Englishman climbs on and the bull starts moving. "No one's ever made it past 5 minutes on their first try, Limey!" someone shouts.

But the Englishman sails through the 5-minute mark. He blasts past 10 and 15 and even 20 minutes, still holding on just fine. The crowd is awestruck.

He's fast approaching the World Record. The barman cranks the bull up to 11 and it goes fucking ape shit. But the plucky Englishman hangs on in there.

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I was walking in the town centre today when a random girl shouted "oi oi sexy I wouldn't kick you out of bed for a packet crisps." Well considering she had 3 necks, I bet she would.

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but when she wears red and approaches a bus stop, the bitch gets hailed.

I came home tonight with a tube of Durex strawberry flavoured pleasure gel. The wife said, "what's that for?"

"It's for your pleasure," I replied with a grin She used it on a pint of vanilla ice cream.

How can Severn Trent charge me so much for water? They could have made millions with all of the sperm I've sent them over the years.

My wife came back from the doctors really upset today. "He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed. "How come?" I said, looking really concerned. "Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied.

What's the difference between extortion and rape? The spelling of blackmail.

"My missus found out about my affair and now she's making my life hell," I told the barman. "Want's a divorce does she?" He asked. "Far worse than that," I replied. "Now she knows I'm not really impotent, she's making me have sex with her again."

My wife told me it's not only about the great Supermarkets are now in captivity, they can train sex, it's also about the selling complete school someone to stand by their conversation afterwards. uniforms for ÂŁ3.50. What pool and give them a fish. Turns out she's right. I a fucking rip off. For that Women serving in the went and humped her price, I could buy the kid United States military Sister, came home and that made it. are now being allowed we talked about the Syrian A 6' 2" skinhead knocked in combat. This could crisis. It was a nice night. on my door today. When save many British soldiers My mate died during an I answered it he said, lives. Finally there will be orgy in his home city of "I'm your new neighbour, somebody in the tank Norwich. I'm just glad his so you don't have to who will stop and ask final moments were spent worry about the Pakis for directions. with family. and Muslims living around Splashed out on some Porn is a great teacher, here anymore." I said, "I'm lacy knickers the other I'm not even scared to not worried, I haven't got day, I didn't realise I'd get pulled up for speeding any underage daughters." have to pay for them! anymore.

It's estimated that there is approximately 680000 Poles now living in the UK. I think that figure is wrong, as there's approximately 678000 of them living down our street.

People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to believe it's true.

Within a week of being 42

I was down the pub last night when I spotted a cute Jewish girl and started chatting her up. It was going great so I decided to try my luck, but it suddenly went down hill… In hindsight trying to write my number on her arm wasn't the best idea.

intrusive and disgusting is that to a happily married man..... When I clicked on it, I found out she was playing off an 8 handicap, far too good for me.

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent I was down the pub last night when I was checking the books, he turned to spotted a cute Jewish girl and started the executive of the hospital and said I chatting her up. It was going great so I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What decided to try my luck, but it suddenly do you do with the end of the roll when went down hill… In hindsight trying to there's too little left to be of any use?" write my number on her arm wasn't the "Good question," noted the executive. best idea.

"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once A man who got the first prize at in a while, they send us a free roll." the world French language scrabble Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat championship can't speak French. disappointed that his unusual question That's nothing. Thousands of people had a practical answer. But on he went, who get jobs in UK can't speak English. in his obnoxious way. What about all My wife was feeling horny earlier, she these plaster purchases? What do you said: "Do you fancy a bit of role play? do with what's left over after setting a Anything you want, anything you've cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied tried" she winked. "Brilliant. I'll be me, the executive, realising that the inspector you be your mate Gemma" I replied. was trying to trap him with an a question "Get off me you fucking bastard" she that was unanswerable. "We save it and screamed. "That's brilliant love, that's send it back to the manufacturer and exactly what she said, now don't forget every so often they send us a free bag to cry when I get my knife out." of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, Watching all of these migrants in Calais thinking hard about how he could fluster desperately trying to get to the UK, it the know-it-all executive. "Well, what makes you wonder. Don’t they not know do you do with all the remains from the the booze is much cheaper over there? circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

I am a happily married man and I am getting really cheesed off with Facebook "What we do is save all the little sponsored links. This morning I spotted foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they one with a heading "Golf Partners", it read; 'Play Golf with someone you fancy, send us a complete prick." have good times on the golf course and My neighbour just left me hanging on afterwards.' The picture by the wording a high five. Made me look like a right was of a young lady showing off a low prick. I'm glad his wife died. 5 minutes cut bra with massive tits. Now, how ago.

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The oldest remains of the Koran in existence have been found in a Birmingham library in the fiction section!

After the discovery of the oldest fragments of the Koran there has already been calls for it to be returned to its spiritual home. We want it back in Bradford said a spokesman.

Prince George's second birthday, and the official photo has been released.

Tomorrow the Sun newspaper will show pictures of the Queen pointing at the birthday balloons on the ceiling.

sex is illegal. Well, it would reduce the risk of children born with AIDS. Following the Eurotunnel's four hour interruptions, passenger and freight services hit delays and an African family of four.

Deputy Speaker of The House of Lords took advantage of his position, snorting cocaine from a prostitute's breasts. I disagree, the best position would have been doggy, with a line of coke across the small of her back.

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being 50 Cent, the first rapper to be named caught masturbating and smoking joints after their bank balance. in his office. No name was given but he Brighton is thinking of banning smoking was a high wanking officer. in public areas does this mean no fags on President Obama whilst visiting Kenya the beach? has said that Africa is a continent on the Women's cricket on sky sports move. Which after watching the news I news?!?! The only time I want to see a believe to be true, as most of them are woman at a crease is when she's doing camping in Calais trying to reach the UK. the ironing!!

Lord Sewel Snorting Coke through a £5 Muslim scholars are delighted at the note. Shocking sign of austerity having to discovery of the oldest ever version use a fiver. of the Quran. However, they said the I read today that the Police are writing is a bit small so they may need investigating a House of Lords drug and to blow it up. prostitute claim. Is there anything these After finding the world's oldest piece of bastards won't put through expenses? the Koran, scientists have discovered it was in fact Muhammad's wank cloth.

So the farmers are complaining about not getting enough money to milk a few Taylor Swift names her new world cows. They should think themselves tour: 'TS 1989'. That’s going to be lucky: Liverpudlians will be milking Cilla an awkward stop off in Beijing…

Black's death for the next 5 years and Barack Obama Calls For Gay Rights they won't get a penny.

In Africa. The US President had been Happy birthday Prince George. warned not to bring up the issue Zwei today. during his trip to Kenya, where gay 44

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IF ONLY . . . . . If only more workers could be like this outstanding young bloke.

I am told he hasn't taken a single day of his annual leave entitlement nor even a sickie!! I understand he arrives at work on time and is happy to work overtime whenever necessary. And he doesn't even claim for the extra hours on his time sheet!! If only others in the work force were as keen, Australia might not be in as much debt as it is! One day others might realise this and then, maybe then, they'll follow this guy's example.

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