Issue 70 November
Hello my little perverted ones. ‘Try to remember the 5th of November’, I think the saying or song goes. Well I struggle to remember what day it is these days, let alone events. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I now find myself making lists about lists. Oh to be young again. The Rugby World cup may be over by the time you read this. But. now that all the home nations are out I want South Africa to win it. That is probably because I is Black. As a Brit I am disappointed that none of our lads made the final, but have to say that I thought Wales and Scotland did us proud and I think in both their games they were robbed. As for England and Ireland, better luck next time. Congratulations must go out to the home nation teams that have reached the Euro finals. At least we will more than one team to cheer for this time. That’s if some of you racists even cheered for England the last time.
Right people, I want to see who is going to rise to the challenge. We at “the jester” will be buying and wearing our Poppies with pride. Every person that sends us a photo of themselves wearing their Poppy will get their photo in the magazine. Let’s show our support on this one. Don’t worry about your photo being seen by any radicals, they prefer to read ‘Girls in Burkas revealed’. I will even pixilate your face if you request it. Have a great November. How many sleeps til Christmas? Take care. Ed.
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.
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Dear Editor, Looks like we might at last get some new jokes in this crappy magazine now that Mock The Week and 8 out of 10 Cats have both got a new series. Trev. Playa Flamenca. I don’t what you mean, all the jokes in this magazine are originals. Ed. Dear Editor, My new next-door neighbour's a black Jewish Polish Muslim. HELP! Roy. Wigan. At least he’s not a feminist as well. Ed. Dear Editor, Having been an adolescent in the 70's I can never get over how easy it is to store pornography nowadays. For example, I just worked out that my hard drive could hold the entire contents of over 370,000 porn magazines. Do you have a scanner I could borrow? Allan. Denia. No. Ed. Dear Editor, True Story. I work at a McDonald's and a woman came in and ordered... 2
Big Mac Meals Extra Large, for herself, but asked the attendant to hold the mayo because she was on a diet. Fat Bitch. Callum. Belfast. You working at McDonalds does not allow you to judge people. Now be a good boy and go somewhere quite and squeeze some spots. Ed. Dear Editor, I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London. Paul. London.
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I hate bonfire night just as much as the next Guy.
amnesia or insomnia.
My mates are all calling Girls: If you get a message me lazy because I hired from your boyfriend saying a golf cart. Their choice, that he wants to "kick they can just keep walking your puppy", don't call back and forward to the the RSPCA.. He's just not dart board. very good at predictive I've created a new way text. of seeing how strong your
I bought a brand new BMW today and, I must say, I was quite surprised.
A woman jogged past my wife and I as we walked along the street today. "I saw you starring at her tits," she remarked, "Do you think mine would bounce like hers?" "I have You know your sex life girlfriend's period is. All is on the slide when your you do is put a picture of no idea," I replied. "You're girlfriend shags like your your ex in a frame by your too fat to run." wife. bedside, and you'll be able I saw a sign when we On my way home tonight, to tell based on how far visited Chester Zoo she inserts it up your arse. today. "Do Not Feed I called in at the shop to buy a cigar to smoke after My wife is like a luxury The Animals "It's £10 for the wife gives me a blow German car. She emits a burger," I said to my job. I've put it with the gases then denies it. wife. "I'm not even feeding rest. the kids." Excuses are like cakes. Fat people are full of them. 'You can lead a horse to The Scots have 421 words for snow. But none My wife said to me, "If water' But it's faster if you for "qualifying rounds of ride it. you go to the pub again football" or "it's my turn tonight you can forget “the jester” doesn't to pay". about sex with me". The do beer, but if they Stayed up all night trying hard part is saving the fist did, it would probably to remember if I have pump until I'm outside. have rohypnol in it. 4
My wife says that no man could truly understand the meaning of nausea without experiencing morning sickness. I reminded her that I was the one who had to get her pregnant in the first place. It was a pleasure taking the kids to school, and having a cigarette. Then even better passing the police in our horse and cart. Say what you like about Jeremy Corbyn but he's come a long way since the rag and bone business with his son Harold. I went into the library today, "Have you got any books on how to show compassion?" I asked. "I'm sorry," She sobbed. "You'll have to bare with me, I've just had some terrible news." "I see," I replied. "Well, when you're ready, I haven’t got all day." "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. there yet? Are we there she snapped 'that's still yet?" "No dad were not, pretty cheap for a blow but please stop for a fag, job' you're driving us mad." I've just suffocated my "Come on help, children wife. Best 5p I've ever spent. are trapped in that car." "Are you stupid? can't The best thing about the you see? I'm smoking." 5p plastic bag charge, is the cupboard under my On the plus side for kitchen sink is now worth charging for plastic bags, £46,555.003.2 Katie Price is now only For I went out as the worth 5p. England Rugby team for 'That'll be 5p' said Doris Halloween. I didn’t dress the 57 year shop assistant up, I just went out early. at my local Spar. 'Blimey' What does a black frog I replied 'well I never say? Robbit. thought I'd see the day you'd start charging for I've got one leg bigger those' 'Don't complain' than the other two!
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kids, I'm great at housework and I've got a cracking set of tits. If there's no smoking in a car with children. How am I going to get them to school? I own a VW Golf.
I think my girlfriend has some weird fetishes, like tears, screaming nicknames, TEL: 966 189 599 and inflicting pain. I'm pretty sure because when I'm having I just got an email from TripAdvisor sex with her she cries, yells "rape," and entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will throws things at me. you do to help? So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review, maybe "Jamaica demands compensation for that way they'll all fuck off back. Britain's involvement in the slave trade" Just been chatting to my new neighbour That's a bit rich, we already paid for them once. and she told me that she's a fighter. I intend to find out how true it is, when A Muslim colleague came running into she walks through the park tonight. work almost an hour late today, without her burka‌ "Morning," I smiled. "Nice of At the pub quiz last night, a question you to show your face." came up: "Define the meaning of the word 'Niggling'." Whatever the correct What's brown with a short fuse? answer was, it wasn't, "A Niggling is a A suicide bomber. young Nigger." I was asked to leave. I think my teenage daughter would make a great librarian. She likes books, but she likes telling people to shut up even more. I suffered from schizophrenia when I was two. On rare occasions, I was even three. I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night. I've never run so far in all my life. Due to an unfortunate genetic defect, I have been told that I can't drive. It has left me with a lack of spatial awareness, an inability to think logically and terrible mood swings. On the upside, I can have 6
having regular sex?" asks the counsellor. "Absolutely," they reply. "So," laughs the counsellor, "What is the problem?" "Well, our partners don't really approve."
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The European Space Agency's ExoMars vehicle will either land at Oxia Planum, Aram Dorsum or Mawrth Vallis. I don't recommend the last landing site as I Holiday home cleans, domestic weekly stopped at a B&B there once, and found cleaning, key holding and much more. the Welsh to be rather inhospitable. A scrubber a day keeps the dust away! I don't have sex with my sister because We will beat most quotes! it's unacceptable and gross. I have sex What's red on top and black below? with her because it's kinky. Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott 30 I bet there's one thing in 2015 the years ago. Michael J Fox of 1985 could never have Feminist's can perform magic. They predicted: How much he would need turn men into misogynists. those auto lacing runners. I recently purchased the McCann's My Nan hates me playing video games, book while on holiday... Ironically, I left she's all like "you should grow up and it in my hotel room in Portugal. act your age, video games are for I tried to hide it from the lads in the children". Which is funny considering pub that my wife had taken the kids and she's the one in nappies. left, but they knew as soon as I walked Islamic State: a bit like the Nazis but in... My shirt wasn't ironed. shit at engineering, architecture and A man goes into a library and asks the personal hygiene. librarian where she keeps the books I went to see simple minds last night. on conspiracy theories. "They're behind It was a rally for feminists. you," she says. "Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me 'Lamar was in a coma after a weekend in..." "Fuck off David, not after what of blow and hookers? Fucking amateur'. happened last time". -Keith Richards. What do you call a feminist on her Tony and Jane go to see a marriage period? A bloody nuisance. counsellor. The counsellor says, "So, you two are married, correct?" I embraced Islam today. Or more to Correct," they reply. "And you are the point, I strangled a Paki. 7
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Feminist agenda: 1) Gender inequality is something that needs to be fixed in society, there are peaceful and easy ways of doing this. Equality over superiority. 2) Both genders need to support each other, all the hard work should be distributed evenly between both men and women. 3) Anyone can become a feminist, and we deeply encourage everyone to become one. Top-secret feminist agenda: 1) Men are such fucking pigs. They are all the same: Stupid, hungry, and only want sex. Good for nothing, that's what men are. Destroy all men. 2) Oh? Don't want to hold a door for a lady? You fucking pig. What, you're holding the door open for me? Fuck you, do you think I'm helpless or something? Fucking men, we need to destroy them all. 3) What? You are a man and are calling yourself a feminist? Go fuck yourself, you pig. All men must die.
Dreadful diarrhoea. Don't think I cooked him properly. Well our worst fears have been confirmed this morning, my wife is allergic to our Springer Spaniel. I know this isn't a re homing site, but could somebody please find it in their heart to help her out? Her name is Claire and she is 40!!
It's terrible watching these Syrian refugees queue for six hours a day in the summer heat just to be checked into their camps. I know what they're going through. I've been to Alton Towers in August. One of my neighbours is Muslim, he's called Ateef… My other neighbour is black, he's also a teif. Whenever I cross the road my four year old daughter insists on holding my hand. It's so embarrassing. I'm thirty six. I don't need anyone to hold my hand.
14.50: The time according to my watch. 1450: The time according to an Islamic calander My dog kept me awake all night. 8
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your grandad, you know." People warned me about the dangers of using sunbeds, but I never listened. Now nobody will sit next to me on the tube. Every time I stare at myself in the mirror, I can see I'm becoming more and more like my father. He was a vain bugger, too. I got a call from head office to tell me that two members of staff have accused me of sexism. They didn't name names, but I bet it was 'Jenny Shit Tits' and 'Buffalo fanny'.
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. I saw Gilbert O'Sullivan and, wondering "Have some respect for the dead!" he where he'd spent his usual Irish holiday, said. "Okay," I replied. "Is that all lower case without spaces?" called out, "Athlone again?" "Nah, Tralee," he replied. I woke up from my anaesthetic and saw In my experience, nothing screws with my doctor standing over me, smoking a fag. "Blimey!" I said. "You smoke, doc?" a woman’s mind more than stopping "Yes..." he replied with a smile, "...but mid-rape, apologising and telling her only after I've had sex." that you just aren't that into her. I fucking hate going round to my Nan's My wife felt all guilty when I found her using a vibrator. She said she was for tea, we have the same thing every denying me my pleasure. Too right. She's week. Four hours of, "Oh, I do miss using the batteries from my Sky remote. your grandad, you know." People warned me about the dangers of using sunbeds, but I never listened. Now nobody will sit next to me on the tube. In my experience, nothing screws with a woman’s mind more than stopping mid-rape, apologising and telling her that you just aren't that into her. I fucking hate going round to my Nan's for tea, we have the same thing every week. Four hours of, "Oh, I do miss 9
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I asked my cockney girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "I wouldn't mind a Pandora bracelet." So I'll give her a pound. Let us not forget the terrible event that occurred 56 years ago on this very day. Simon Cowell was born. I've often thought of myself as a women trapped in a man's body, and was considering having a sex change operation. However, having spoken to a specialist I decided against it. Having genital surgery, breast implants and hormone replacement therapy didn't bother me, but having my brain removed made me a little bit apprehensive. A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly
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I'm currently on an alcohol and vegetable diet. I drink alcohol till I behave like a vegetable. The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened. Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin. Getting a job working for the Samaritans really turned my life around. My funeral business is doing a roaring trade.
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look big in those jeans". A black lie: "I They say the best way to get rid of an unwanted erection is to think about your didn't steal no mother fuckin' car". parents. Unless you're from Norfolk. I've just bought myself one of those relaxation CDs with the whale noises The difference between America and the UK. You hear a series of loud bangs on. I can't say it's worked but, for some reason, the missus is really fucking horny. in the UK, you think 'a car's backfiring' and casually continue walking. In My wife phoned me at work and said, America, you think 'a school's being "I'm not wearing any knickers" I said, "I'll massacred' and casually continue walking. tell the boss I'm feeling sick" She said, "So A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn't you can come home early and fuck me?" I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick". This tramp and his girlfriend were arguing like fuck in the park. All of a sudden he poured his meths over a bench and set fire to it. "What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled at him. "She can leave me if she wants," he said, "but I'll be fucked if she's getting our home." Seeing my Gran fall down the stairs and knock herself unconscious really challenged me. What could I do in the 4-5 minutes until she came to? It's fine that Jamaica want reparations for enduring slavery. They can take it out of what Rome owes us. Thank god it is winter! I can now leave my dog in the car with the windows up while I go to Asda!! 11
A recent study has found that wives who carry a little extra weight live longer than the husbands who mention it. "Well Miss that's the cleanest vagina I have ever seen". Said the gynaecologist. "Well thank you doctor, "I replied, "It's my boyfriend who does it. He has downs syndrome, and I don't have a window in my bedroom." HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me? WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart. HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears? WIFE: Absolutely honey. HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair? WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions? HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....
This is Just for you Ladies. No need to thank me. Ed.
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My house was repossessed at the weekend but I don't blame the building society. It's that fucking priest not doing the exorcism properly in the first place.
My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other. I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work.
Shocking scenes today, when a female BBC News reporter was the victim of sexual harassment, during a report about sexual harassment. I was disgusted; if she was in front of the camera, who was making the sandwiches?
Jeremy Kyle's wife has been having an affair. I wonder when she’ll be on the show? How do you know when a Muslim has been in your bath? Yeah, just kidding. I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think that some members complained about my inappropriate bingo lingo. In particular "If there's hair on the muff, then she’s old enough, 15."
I went into a pub yesterday there was an African, a Muslim and a homosexual. I didn't stay long. My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets… She'll be back when she gets hungry.
Ants love sugar, not as much as Fat people but close.
Irony is the NHS drug helpline saying, "for help With cannabis, press 2 followed by hash".
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But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is The official Spurs supporters bar more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably All live sport shown hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll worse, he brings his big fucking dog to try to sum it up by first telling you work. Every fucking day I have to look about the folks I work with: First, there at this huge Great Dane walk around is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, half-stoned from the second-hand okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's completely useless. The girl is constantly trying to talk with its constant bellowing. fixing her hair or putting on make-up. Also, both of them are constantly She is extremely self-centred and has hungry, requiring multiple stops to never once considered the needs or McDonald's and Burger King, every wants of anyone but herself. She is as single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it fucktards around in my van and we solve surprising that she has enough brain mysteries and shit. power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
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I hate the washing machine when it's on spin cycle. You should listen to it trying to justify the Iraq war. "Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?" Wife, “would you please call our children by their names."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's 'White Men Can't Jump' But we can get your occupation?” "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat a taxi at three in the morning. taken aback and says, "Let's try to I have a bit of an on-off relationship rephrase that.” The woman says, "OK, with my wife. I try and climb on her, I'm a high-end call girl”. "No, that still and she tells me to get off!! won't work. Try again.” They both think I turned to my colleague and asked, for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm "Can you smell burning?" 23 years we've an elite poultry farmer.” The accountant worked together at the Crematorium asks, "What does poultry farming have and that joke never gets old. to do with being a prostitute?” "Well, I I swallowed some cat medicine today, raised a thousand cocks last year.” "Poultry Farmer it is." don't ask MEOW. The steel industry suffered a big setback "What a filthy, blasphemous, depraved with the closure of the works in Redcar bastard that David Cameron is," said a earlier this week. However police have Muslim to his pal. "Totally," replied his pal. "Now hurry up with that goat, it's advised it is still thriving in Liverpool. my turn next." If you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered, then you've got another thing coming. probability. The teacher asked, "If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?" The girl sitting next to me replied, "Just for a penny? Not very bright."
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care of the neighbour's cat. They aren't on holiday, they're just really lazy. Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and ALL CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED. CARS URGENTLY REQUIRED FOR CASH. was bleeding heavily. I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove I was shocked to discover that alcohol me to the hospital. I crawled into the was illegal in Saudi Arabia. That means waiting room, and two nurses ran over they fuck camels while sober. to me. "Oh my God, are you alright?" I hate it when people say 'You don't one of them shouted. I said, "I'm need alcohol to have fun.' You don't absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before need trainers to run, but it fucking helps. passing out. After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a I long to break out of here and never time and a place for sarcasm. have to worry about being sodomised again. I'm not in prison. I'm a sheep on Great, another Sunday. I've been to a farm in Wales. the gym, had a nice hot shower and At any given moment, my urge to sing I've just picked up a bottle of home "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim brew off a neighbour for this afternoon. away, a whim away, a whim away, a I've got a few spliffs rolled up for the whim away... XBox tournament with the lads, after which I'll muck about online with some I was a Guinea pig in a new drug trial porn and gambling sites. I love prison, recently‌ Then it wore off and I was me. a boring old human again. WE BUY, SELL AND EXCHANGE QUALITY RHD & LHD CARS. OVER 70 CARS ON TWO SITES. FINANCE AVAILABLE (SUBJECT TO STATUS).
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At long last they're going to be able to explain what happened just before the Big Bang. Not before time either. Jurgen Klopp, "I'll have people climbing all over each other to come and watch Liverpool..." Too soon, Jurgen, too soon. I've been asked to take
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Jesus gets credit for feeding five thousand people with a few fishes and loaves of bread. But Walkers Crisps manage to spread one potato across five thousand packets. What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out? Oven gloves. Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for.
I don't see all the fuss about Boris Johnson taking out a 10-year-old Japanese school boy playing rugby. Wouldn't be the first time an M.P's tackle has hurt an underage child. Manaus was the first city in Brazil to have trams and second to have electricity. The trams worked better after that.
Me and the wife have just been to the cinema "Daddy, what's wrong to see that new film with Mr Mohammed Suffragette. Two hours next door?" said my of a woman's struggle... little girl. "Well sweetheart," I replied, Full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger "his wife has died and has gone to and frustration. Anyway, after she finally heaven." With this she started crying. managed to park the car in the cinema "It's not fair daddy," she sobbed, "who am I going to sit next to in history now." car park we rushed in and caught the credits. My Grandad was a kleptomaniac with I was walking around Knightsbridge arthritis. One day he just couldn't take yesterday and I saw Didier Drogba it anymore. coming out of Harrods. Although I can't '1st World Poor'. You have a £600 fucking stand the bloke, I thought here's smart phone and a £900 laptop so you a good opportunity to make a few quid can go online and check that you don't on eBay. So I ran up to him and asked have any money in the bank. him for his autograph and he was kind British Police are trying to track down enough to oblige. I never realised his a Muslim family from Bradford they fear real name was Venus Williams. has fled to Syria. Isn't that a bit like I remember when I was 7 years old trying to talk Hitler out of shooting and being surprised to see that medicine himself. came in bottles too. Up until then I Lost my watch at a party last night. thought it only came direct from Uncle Then saw a guy stepping on it while Brian's knob. sexually harassing a girl. I walked over to this guy, and punched him straight in Girls are like universities. I spend hours the jaw. No one does that to a girl… looking at them, only to realise I can't Not on my watch. get into any of them. 17
'When I was a child I was afraid to go the dentist, ' said Paddy. ' Was it the drill you were afraid of? 'asked Mick. ' No, ' said Paddy, ' he was a paedophile.
I've just shot two black guys in the balls and thrown them in the back of my van. Although I still don't understand how my wife thinks a pair of crotch -less niggers are going to spice up our marriage. They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave. So the uk supreme court has ruled in favour of some divorce shit or whatever. Oh yes divorce settlement appeal. Judging by the picture of the women who won, the only reason they want more money is to buy more pies... I got chatting to a bird outside Subway. She seemed up for it, so I asked her if she fancied coming back to mine for a shag. "It depends," she replied. "I don't do little dicks. Let's see how big
you are compared to that," she said, pointing at my 6 inch sub. I was already horny and erect, so I unwrapped my sandwich, whipped my dick out, and shoved it in. "There you go," I said, smugly. "My bell end's popping out." She said, "Yeah, but I meant lengthways." I'm going to start taking feminists more seriously from now on.... For years they've been telling us that men are fucking pigs.
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Last night my wife said she wanted to find a secluded spot and have sex in the back seat of my car. I drove her and this other guy around for hours. 17 is too young to get married. You can't even buy booze. If you can't drink, how do you expect to make your marriage work? Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard. When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write." I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"
I found myself hiding behind my sofa today… It isn't much fun playing hide and seek on your own. I've invented a new sexual position. All you do is lie back to back with your partner leaving a gap, wait till they fall asleep and then quietly masturbate. I call it "marriage."
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"Fucking Muslims," I muttered under my breath. As I searched for a bit of Muslim porn on the internet.
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Last night I met Lois Lane's morbidly obese sister. Bus Lane. My wife farted herself awake last night. She even managed to wake a few other coma patients. A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for €100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies
and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for €1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, €10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go to the alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you going to bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much”.
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said, "There wasn't a single woman in the place." He said, "So what did you do?" "I fucked a married one," I replied.
Buckingham Palace has confirmed that Prince All alternative sports shown. Philip personally oversaw Hot pies available on match days arrangements for the State Mon - Fri 3pm til late Banquet in honour of Sat - Sun 12pm til late. Chinese Premier Xi Jinping. A spokesman said; 'The I would always cry at the end of the film Prince has been stalking the corridors Watership Down when I was a child. all day announcing; "If that slitty eyed My uncle Keith used to have sex with Fu Manchu turns up with his own wok, me. make sure you hide the Corgi's pronto!". Oscar Pistorius will be celebrating My ugly neighbour just walked past his release to home arrest by getting as I was trying to put out the fire I'd legless and doing some shots in the accidentally started in my wheelie bin... bathroom. She said, "Bonfire night isn't for another The Germans are embroiled in another few weeks." "Neither is Halloween," I scandal as they plan to change the replied. That shut the fucker up. alphabet to be ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQ You know your girlfriend's had a heavy RSTUXYZ. It's the VW omissions period when after sex, the walls look like scandal. the works of Jackson Pollock. I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run Dear Jim over by a boat in Venice. My deepest Please could you fix it for me to have gondolences. my TV fixed as I've not seen the news As it was my 86th birthday today, I for ages. Anything interesting going on? decided to wash my hair. DESIGN-FABRICATE-INSTALL-VALUE-RELIABILITY-CREATIVITY I'll wash the other one tomorrow. "So then, kids, there's the bell! And that's about all we have time for.. Join me tomorrow, when I'll show you the rest of my penis." "How was the club last night?" my friend asked. I
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Rugby is like anal. Dirty, Painful, But everyone wants a try. It's not often the case, but today I wish I was a Welshman. It would be so much easier for me to explain to the daughter what I was doing with her pet lamb. What do you call a gay Muslim? Homohammed. Why do woman always ask me the same questions? Especially after sex‌ Where am I? Who are you?
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Subscribed to a website, 'Shaved Asian babes'. It was just a load of Paki women without beards. My friends call me a 'Man's man'. But my enemies call me a 'poofy prick'. Just given my girlfriend a major hint on
her hygiene by getting the 'shake and vac' logo printed on her knickers.. 'when your carpet smells fresh your room does too!' Is there anything more pointless than an autobiography having an 'About the Author' section? An Imam in Birmingham has said the 800 Muslim deaths near Mecca is gods will. I'm starting to warm to this Allah bloke, even though he is a paedophile. I love the taste of a good old fashioned Granny Smith. Her family however, were less than accommodating. I just bought my wife a hover board... sorry, a hoover and ironing board. I'm so loyal and committed that even without a girlfriend I still don't have sex with other women. "I've just bought a new lorry," said my neighbour, Abdul. "How big is it?" I asked. "Thirteen illegal immigrants long by six wide," he replied. 21
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Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 47 letters spell a Mother Theresa quotation. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
Toys R Us faces race row over children's dolls after selling white family for ÂŁ3 more than its black alternative. This is misleading, because when you purchase the black family, it costs ÂŁ3 extra for the white social worker.
details. Well I was terrified, so I did as I was told. Still on the plus side, at least I have Sky TV for twelve months.
They say children can pick things up from a very early age. Bollocks. All my three year-old did was cry when I tried I Woke up on the right side of the bed to make her shift some dog shit in the today! I had no choice, the wife takes up garden. all of the left side. Briana Banks. If you know the name, I know what you've been doing. My dad told me to make sure I use
protection with my girlfriend. She gave him herpes last week.
Tried to get the wife a hoverboard today, but couldn't find one anywhere. So I got her the next best thing, An Ironing board. The best sex I've ever had was when I was on a camping trip. It really was in tents. I was walking down a country lane when this bloke dressed as a highway man pointed a gun at me and demanded I sign some papers and give him my bank 23
This smoking ban in cars is a disgrace. Having a pint without a cigarette just isn't the same. Hi. I'm new to mumsnet. Does anyone know a good way to attach two child seats to a roof rack? I woke up this morning with a huge stiffy. My obese wife had died in her sleep. After months and months of trying I finally got the phone number of the hot girl who lives opposite my house. I was quite lucky really because at one point she almost caught me rummaging through her wheelie bin. When it comes to masturbation, there are many ways of getting yourself off. I use most of them from time to time, but my favourite is called the "Abraham
Lincoln." That's when I shoot a load into the back of an unsuspecting person's head and then try to run out of the theatre before anyone can catch me. If I ever saw an alien, I'd probably freak out and throw rocks at it until it died. Which is the same reaction Muslims have when they see a woman thinking. I sparked up in the car on the way to school this morning my daughter tutted and said, "Don't you know that's illegal now, daddy?" "Of course I do, sweetheart," I replied. "We all have to break the law sometimes. If everyone always abided by the law all of the time, then you wouldn't be here today." "How so?" She asked. "Well," I replied. "Let's just say, the night you were conceived mummy wasn't in the mood." 24
"What would you like?" says the barman. "What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife." "No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I don't care." "You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy." My wife accused me of being unromantic the other day. I said, "Do you remember when I proposed to you? You said it was the happiest day of your life!" "That's because you asked me the day I won the lottery," she replied.
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "Daddy Longlegs" the father replied "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Elton John shit in our garden." "Mummy, Mummy! Can I have this plesaseeeeeeee?" "No Damien, put it back I've told you before comics are a waste of money". "Will there be anything else miss?" "Errr two lucky dips on the Euro and 4 scratch cards please". My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?" "It was," replied the
local, "But that all changed with the war." "How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired. The local replied, "Land mines." I approached a girl at a nightclub and said, "Let's head to my place! I'm going to fuck you with my eight inch dick!" Disgusted, she said, "I'm not that easy. It's going to take more than that!" "Alright," I replied, "My brother lives with me, he's nine and a half inches." If we're okay with Saudi Arabia's record of beheading, stoning, flogging and crucifixion, what exactly is it that we don't like about ISIS? 27
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Only 14% of Americans own a passport. That's because the other 86% can't fit on the plane. My wife told me my son was being bullied by a boy called Edward so I went over to his house and kicked seven bells of shit out of him. Sore Ted.
I saw that video of the childless female gorilla who was given two kittens on her 44th birthday, and is now looking after them I've just been to the seat. "We asked Dave if he as pets. They were actually hospital where the doctor has had sexual intercourse meant to be her special told me my DNA was with any other woman birthday dinner, but what backwards. since you got married... the hell, pets is good too. AND? He said No!" Jeremy said, looking at my wife.. "This Just given my Nan a I honestly don't mind test says he's telling the cream-pie. And this hearing people openly truth." "That's bollocks!" proves that porn has using the word Gypo‌ I shouted. "I want to take damaged your mind It means there's none in it again!" forever. the vicinity. My wife took me on the Jeremy Kyle show to see if I was cheating. As Jeremy got out the lie detector results he said, "Your wife says that she's leaving you if you fail this, do you know that?" "Did she?" I asked, sitting up in my 28
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Tracey & Nigel Tel: +34 638 097 421 Email: thefirestationlazeia@outlook.com My girlfriend had just finished typing up her English paper, when she said, "I think there's something wrong with your printer." I asked, "Oh, why's that?" She replied, "It's not printing the red squiggly lines under all the words." I live in a mainly Muslim community and I'm really fed up with the politically correct bollocks around here. My local pub had to change its name from The Flying Pig, nobody speaks English in any shop you go in and you can barely cook a bacon sarnie without upsetting some Pakistani or another! So I was so happy to see my local swimming pool fighting back, and ruining their fun for a change. It had big sign on the wall stating: STRICTLY NO BOMBING. A scouser started working at my office this morning. It's about time, he's been here two fucking years. 29
I didn't think 'being caught napping' was that serious, but apparently people view cat-napping differently to dog-napping and kid-napping. Apparently it was the wrong time to tell my wife that she needs to shift the baby weight. But It was a long drive home following the miscarriage results. How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass? Irresistible. My girlfriend says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.
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I always wanted to sugar coat my wife's road accident death to protect our daughter, so I told her that she died after being hit by a rainbow‌ It worked quite well. Until one day, while walking home from school, my daughter swerved out of the way of a rainbow and got hit by a bus.
Unless it means you can't see them properly.
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair". "Never hit somebody wearing glasses."
"Fucking hell, I've only been in prison a short while and look how much my grass has grown." "Stop dicking around, Oscar, put your legs back on."
My wife said, "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" "You," I replied. "Do you like having sex with me when I wear something sexy or when I'm totally naked?" asked my wife. "No," I replied.
I was just having a piss up a wall when an old lady rode past me on her bike and shouted, "Grow up! You look like a child." I would have chased after her but by the time I'd pulled my trousers and pants up she'd long gone. Tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'. Came up with a message "disabled because of copyright claim." Bit fucking harsh. I've just booked a one way flight to Syria. I'm not joining IS. I'm going to walk back and get a free house.
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heard that, everyone ran out of the plane except one professor, Bob, who sat comfortably. Everyone was surprised and went to his seat to ask him why he did not run out of the plane like others did. He smiled and replied, "There is no need to run out because if it is true that this plane was made by our students then, with what we taught them, I am very sure the plane will not even move."
Lecturers from a University in Leeds Faculty of Engineering boarded a plane. When the plane was ready to take off, the pilot said, "Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen. May I please inform you that this plane was manufactured by your own students in the university and this is the first time of flying?" Immediately they
Once, when I was unemployed and had no spare money, I couldn't find any women who would sleep with me. So I got a job, saved some money up and now I get to sleep with plenty of women. Best thing I ever bought was that gun. I was told today that my 18 year old sister was actually adopted. I've never gone through a box of tissues so quickly. This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!" "Will you eat my bacon roll if I pull you up?" I asked, "Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said. So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast. My wife went into hysterics when I bought her a puppy after her recent miscarriage. I should probably have put air holes in the box. What a load of rubbish those so called guide dogs are. I've just seen one in London. It didn't have a clue where Big Ben was. Oscar Pistorius to be moved from prison to house arrest. He shouldn't be able to get into too much trouble there.
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Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates. Snow White says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land." Tom thumb says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land." Quasimodo says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land." Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off. A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says, "It's official...I'm the fairest in the land!" Some time afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts, "It's official.. I'm the smallest in the land!" Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows, "Who the fuck is Wayne Rooney?" Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" said the police officer altzhiemers. After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of
men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief. The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday. Good to see that the UK still has solidarity, as witnessed in the Rugby World Cup. One out, all out... Cameron reveals plan to have extremists 'treated like sex offenders'. "Two birds with one stone" springs to mind.
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Open Times Tues to Thurs 10:00am to 6:00pm Friday 10:00am to 6:00pm Saturday 9:30am to 1:30pm I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I asked him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit". After yesterday's rugby, you have to feel sorry for the Scottish; being largely ginger and frequently sleeping with their sisters.... They say that you should never put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear‌ I hear Katie Price has the same rule regarding her fanny. I was approaching the first tee at the golf course today when I noticed the people in front of me didn't have any balls‌ Fucking great! I thought to
myself. Who told women they were allowed play golf? My black neighbour had to quit his job yesterday because he was being subjected to racial abuse. Shocking really, just when you think you understand the world, you find out a black person actually had a job.
Given that necessity is the mother of invention, is anyone else wondering if the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the first animal to engage in mutual masturbation? When I moved in with my girlfriend I asked her to show me how she folds her underwear. That way, when I take it off and put them back in her drawer she'll be none the wiser. Stephen Hawking's currently having his lunch. Or, if you like, "recharging".
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I’m very close to my identical twin brother. Opening hours 12 - 11pm We even finish each other’s sentences. Which TRADITIONAL FISH & CHIPS is nice as he’s now serving Scientists in Sweden have discovered 30 years for that rape I committed. that the taller you are, the more chance you have of developing cancer. I think it's Why is it that it is socially acceptable for a woman to masturbate with a safe to say that’s the jolly green giant fake penis, made of rubber and plastic, fucked then. powered by batteries with rotating Stoptober in October where people balls on the shaft and an additional 'clit don't drink alcohol for a month followed stimulator', but if a man has a wank by Movember in November where then he's some sort of pervert? people grow facial hair for a month. It's It sat on my shelf with thoughtless poralmost like society is trying to turn us into Muslims by forcing their beliefs onto celain eyes, and in the prettiest us. Well, that's fine with me. Can't wait pink doll's dress I could find. I'm proud of my attempts of making something for Paedouary! good of a stillborn. This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none, And this little piggy is violently retching and sobbing under a hot shower in a vain attempt to scrub off the everlasting shame of it all. I'm not allowed to smoke in the car with my 8 year old son anymore, but it will do his long term health the world of good. Now the fat bastard has got to walk to school. Advertising hearing aids on the radio is like asking a blind man to read the following sentence.... 35
THIS WAS SENT BY A VERY BITTER ENGLISH RUGBY FAN.
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Nobody looked impressed when I went 'Oink! Oink!' when I saw David Cameron standing outside number 10 today‌ I really need a more manly sounding horn on my car.
at some point. After asking David Cameron for his autograph, he asked me if I had a pen he could borrow. Blimey, he's really into it, isn't he?
David Cameron is not the only politician to have interfered with a pig. Tony Blair married one.
David Cameron would have got away with it if the pig hadn't squealed.
The reason behind Ed Miliband pulling a face while eating a bacon sandwich, is somebody had just told him what Cameron had added to it. David Cameron has earned a brand new respect from me. What better way of saying 'Fuck you' to the Muslim population. So, David Cameron is alleged to have fucked a pig. "It was the most degrading thing I've ever done, and I'd rather forget all about it", the pig said today. Who is David Cameron's favourite jockey? Molester Piggot. "It's so funny how we don't pork anymore" sang Samantha Cameron to David in the bedroom. I wish the tabloids would keep out of David Cameron's private life. 'Snout to do with them.
I told David Cameron that I'd heard he might be in trouble with the police. He said, "Fucking pigs!" I said, "That's right." "I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David." "On what grounds?" "Pigamy." Apparently, David Cameron is still devastated after all these years. The pig never swallowed. So what if David Cameron once put his dick into a pigs mouth. Tony Blair's been fucking a moose for years. What do David Cameron and Kermit the frog have in common? They're both muppets.
Vegetarianism: For people who want to be 100% sure David Cameron wasn't balls deep in their dinner. 37
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professionals, when you score you pull your shirt over your heads," I said. "But coach, we haven't scored all season and we go through this routine every training session," came a reply. "Samantha," I said, "That's not the spirit I'm looking for in the Girls under 14's." At a party today I spotted the sexiest, most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. After what felt like an eternity I finally got up the courage to approach her. "Would you like to dance?" I asked. "Yes, I'd love to!" she beamed. “Great,� I replied, as I whipped out my dick, "I'll just sit here and watch."
My wife is in top shape again. Top shaped, pear shaped. Same difference. There are some sick, twisted people out there, believe me. All you have to do is look through their cupboards and drawers when they're away on holiday. A report this week reveals more people die in accidents while taking selfies than are killed by sharks. Well it's a start. My wife picked up the plates and started for the kitchen, then let out a huge fart. "Oops, sorry, "she grinned. "Still, better out than in, eh?" "...as I was saying," I told our guests, "she likes to retain her feminine mystery." Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time. Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant. I was so confident that we'd win our next match, I decided we'd practice our goal celebrations. "Right, just like the
I used to drive a bus taking spastics to a day centre. Only I don't call them that anymore because I've had the correct training. Now they're Multi Passenger Service Vehicles. There is a play-off for fifth place in the Rugby World Cup. It is called the Six Nations. I used to think I had a lot of bulimic friends. Turns out I have halitosis.
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Why did Oscar Pistorius cross the road? Because they don't really mind Sports - Tapas - Café Bar murder in South Africa. Early bird full English breakfast I've got the license to Only 1.95€ before 10.00am!!! kill. I've been granted All sports shown Open 9am til Late. American citizenship. Come on down & join us! I hate it when people call Located on urb Blue lagoon 2 mins away from me a bastard - my parents The Villamartin plaza. are married. I know they are because I went to Call Trev: 865 774 850 their wedding. I walked in on my wife pleasuring I decided that I'm indecisive… Now I herself earlier. I watched her grunt, scream, gasp with satisfaction, and there don't know if I am or not. was excitement all over her face. In the My girlfriend's dog came running up to end, she finished eating her large Big Mac us for a cuddle. "I love you, Freddy," she meal. said, stroking his fur. "I love him more than you," I replied. She said, "I don't My wife came home from work upset today.. "Everyone at the factory's calling think so, I definitely love him most." I said, "You misunderstood me." me a thick cow." She sobbed. "Just because of a little misunderstanding." On hearing that Newcastle United's tea "Really?" I asked. "What was that about?" lady Kath Cassidy was retiring after 52 "About quarter to one." She said. years of service, I decided to calculate "That's alright, I will shit in the garden, how many cups she would have seen in that time. None. thanks." - The next Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend he brings home.
Tadpole: A small Polish person.
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how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the Above the GAMMA Supermarket, DoĂąa Pepa. surface in a cauldron of bubbles. "That's FRENCH CHEESE & WINE PARTY odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks." WEDNESDAY
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As I sat in the backseat while the Paki bloke drove me, he got on his phone and started talking with someone. Naturally I wasn't having it, so I said, "Oi, prick, can you stop that; I don't tolerate calling and driving." Will you believe this twat turned back at me and replied, "Shut up, or I'll shove this up your arse." The coppers in their police cars these days are quite rude.
I went into the bathroom and my wife was shaving her fanny. "Wow, after all these years you've decided to shave your pussy for me. I'm impressed." "It's not for you," she replied. "I'm asking for a pay rise tomorrow." Scientists have discovered that your fingerprints can indicate whether you're white or black. More specifically, if they're found at a crime scene you're probably black. I went to the doctor and told him I was having trouble getting my foreskin back. He told me he would have a word with the rabbi. NASA have found running water on Mars. Those Native Americans get fucking everywhere. Damn these Chinese workers! Staying in their country, still steeling our jobs.
What's the difference between a shovel How did feminism start? Someone and a spade? Nobody's ever hit a shovel forgot to lock the kitchen door. round the head with a spade. David Cameron got caught with his dick in a pig. He's not as brave as John Major, he stuck his in a curry. Syrian leader allowed to go on killing his own people, so long as he says he'll help the fight against ISIS? That's Assad price. A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby 41
speech at my wedding. What do you do when Painting & Decorating your Muslim wife won't face the right way for Services prayers? You Mecca. Water found on Mars. Complete House Decorating Specialists Scotsmen are baffled as Carl they expect Mars covered in batter. Tel: 688 200 979 or 634 308 886 "Would it be too much Email: baillie.carl@gmail.com to ask you to be a bit nicer to my mother?" My next door neighbour did he make so many my wife complained. called me a grass! The drawings of my uncle "The family are starting cheek of it! So I phoned molesting me? the police on him. I have a very weak heart to talk about your lack and I have to remain calm of respect." I just smiled Every now and then I and carried on pissing on like to learn a new swear without getting excited. her grave. word. So I park in front of In fact, I may not live my neighbour's driveway. through the next Muslim If I was to wake with Beyonce in my bed I tragedy. Vet: "She's in a lot of pain would assume Jay Z was and she doesn't have much Flowing water has been downstairs stealing my TV. time left. We must put her found on Mars. They could tell it was flowing because "Talk dirty to me," she down, it's the right thing five Syrians were spotted begged. "Alright," he said, to do." leaning closer, Volkswagen on a dinghy. Doctor: "She's in a lot of diesel�. pain and she doesn't have They say a dog is a man's much time left. We must best friend. I'm undecided I've just had sex with a lesbian. Well, she is now, after the mess my keep her alive, it's the now. Jack Russell made of his right thing to do." Study: Monkeys enjoy movies and can follow plot lines. So that's monkeys one, my wife: zero. I went to see psychiatrist for the first time today but it was a complete waste of time. I left with more questions than I came in with. Who's this Rorschach guy? And why 42
St
James gate located in Torretas II
Christmas day dinner 3 course Turkey or Beef and all the trimmings cooked by owner, Martin Tallis!
Only 19.95â‚Ź!!! Bookings being taken now, be quick! Tel: 865 778 433 I was having a threesome when the woman I was on top of shouted, "I think I can hear my husband coming." "You're right," I replied, "I can feel him." I went into a pharmacy. I said, "Have you got anything for irritation?" She said, "Yes. But where exactly?" "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop." I replied. I've just picked up a smart tv. He's got lovely tits, really tight arse and a degree in physics. Pakis don't be scared of experiencing anal rape while serving a stretch. I mean you don't pick up the soap or even go anyway near your showers at home in your council benefit houses, so why would you start in fucking prison? My father used to always encourage me to call a spade a spade.................... Well thanks dad here I am laying in hospital after walking down Peckham high street. What do you find hanging on the end of a banana tree? Your arms get tired.
"Yes. But where exactly?" "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop." I replied. Just when you thought those anger management sessions were working... Windows 10. I'm glad my parents always encouraged me to call a spade a spade‌ Saved loads of time when I was in B&Q buying one.
I walked passed my bosses office today and he called me in ' the tosser knows my names Peter. As we pulled into the driveway, my daughter exclaimed "God, I need a shit!" "Can't you speak in a more ladylike manner?", I said. "Like what?" "Well, make a list ... 'There are a few things I need to do when I get in: No.1: a number 2 ...'" What did the rich Arab say to his lazy son? Come on, Sheikh Aleg. I whispered to a guy in the comic book store, "I know a place where there's a girl that will let you stick your fingers in her vagina." He said, "Where's that?" I said, "It's in between her legs."
draining
If I had a pound for every time I came across a stray dog.. I'd throw them all in it. I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night. "Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now." "Fair enough" I went into a pharmacy. I said, "Have you got anything for irritation?" She said, she said. 43
Syrian prez Assad has vowed not to bow out under pressure, following more calls for his resignation. Apparently he's holding out for the next election, when he'll be the only fucker there.
Thanks to Volkswagen I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story. VW apologises for their cars spewing out noxious gases in the US. They stated the cars were meant to go to Israel. Raunchy novelist, Jackie Collins, has died. Out of respect, her family want her Well one good thing has come from coffin to be gently eased into moist soil, this I suppose. Americans will now and then taken out and rammed in again. have a great rebuttal to childish British Say what you like about Jackie Collins. comments about how their people eat like pigs. At least they don't fuck them. She had a killer pair of tits. (At least not in the North anyway). So, it looks like Jeremy Corybn's not Around eight hundred Muslims have the only one who has fucked a pig then. been killed in a stampede. The rest of Fucking disgusting pervert politicians. the family escaped unharmed. You can't open a paper without reading Saudi Arabia are addressing the housing about some new low depravity. How I crisis in Mecca with over 700 new flats. wish for the old days when all they did It seems highly dangerous for Muslims was fuck kids. visiting Mecca. Muslims would be much After the VW scandal Inspectors have safer if they came to Europe. Oh wait. tested Angela Merkel's emissions to 717 people have been killed and 863 prove that she is full of shit. people were injured in a stampede near the Islamic holy city of Mecca when So Volkswagen have been found to be making cars that produce more pollution somebody shouted "SOAP!" than is legal. Then again keeping a lid on Investigators in Mecca are saying that toxic gases never was the German's the cause of the stampede happened strong point. when someone dropped a UK passport and over 700 Pakis rushed forward to I just got a Volkswagen, saw the news pick it up. when I got home. I am fucking fuming. After the events at the Hajj pilgrimage VW admits 11 million cars have a in Mecca a good old fashioned British pollution cheating device. Germans queue doesn't seem so silly now does it? putting millions at risk with gasses. I've heard this one before. An explosive storage depot has caught fire in Morden, London. Or a mosque, Jeremy Corbyn has given his first as the Muslims prefer to call it. statement following revelations that he had sex with Dianne Abbott. He told reporters - 'Look, I was young, half pissed and couldn't find a pig...'
Shame the French the were beaten so easily. The Rugby world cup without the French will be like - well, Paris in 1942.
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In case you didn't know, it's Happy Snapper Month! Here are some of “the jester” readers who got into the spirit of things.
Thanks Ladies. Happy Snapper Month... ; -) Please note, none of these ladies work for “the jester”. 47